Survivor: Prelude to Finale Day!

Happy snowy Survivor Finale day!  Are we all ready???  Got your rice and snacks, a little east indies ice cream, couple of tasty grubs?  I'm gonna keep wearing the same pair of lounge pants (they are NOT PAJAMAS, even if I sleep in them) that I've been wearing for 39 days just to keep in the spirit of it all.

Sooooooo what's it gonna be?  Will Tina or Laura get off Redemption Island??  Will Tyson pull the idol out of his crotch?  Hmmmmm, bet Jeff will love taking that from him.  Will Gervase realize he's really not in control??

 But first, let's discuss last week.  Katie arrives at RI and it's all momma and daughter time.  (Note-not sure if you all saw the news but sadly Tina's son was killed in a car accident I think last week.) Tina says she wouldn't be opposed to letting Katie win.  Katie says, "let's both try hard".  In reality, Tina probably had a better shot at winning that million dollars. 

Back at camp, it's all  BIG FAKE HUGS and WOW, WHAT A GREAT TRIBAL.  Tyson is a little pissed at Gervase.  You never tell the person on the bottom that they're on the bottom.  Monica says she's gonna pull Ciera back in to the alliance. 

Monica is spinning her little head over what to do next.  What if Ciera has the idol?  Should we split the vote???  She's too intense.  Tyson has to tell her to shut up because he has the idol.  She keeps at it.  I can't believe she has lasted this long, except for the fact that she never wears anything other than that bikini bottom.  She's mad that he had the idol and didn't tell anyone.  Tyson and Gervase: Monica isn't great at Survivor but she comes in handy. 

Ciera is all happy with her big move.  She and Hayden plan to find the idol, win the challenge and drive a wedge between Monica and the other 2. 

RI Duel.  It's Tina, Katie and Laura.  Dr. Jeff has to explore Tina's feelings about competing against Katie. Are you capable of giving 100% against your daughter??  LOL Jeff, she'd push her off the island for a chance at another win. 

It's the old make a pole and steal the jail keys challenge.  Tina starts out barking orders at Katie on how to make the pole.  Seriously she would drive me nuts if she were my mom.  Laura, the challenge queen, makes quick work of it and gets out of jail first.  It's down to Katie and Tina, Tina sucks pretty bad but Katie drops one of her keys and can't get it up.  Jeff IS SO GOD DAMNED ANNOYING WITH THE INCESSANT MOTHER-DAUGHTER COMMENTS.  Before she kicks her daughter's ass, Tina asks Katie if she's OK with losing. 

Tina wins and Katie is out.  Tina goes on some bullshit about being adopted and having Katie was the first time she ever had a connection to someone in her life.  How quaint.  Laura gives the clue to Ciera.  Ciera looks like she's hyped out on something. 

Back at camp, Ciera shares the clue with Hayden and they go looking for the idol.  At one point Monica sees them but she just walks away.  WHICH SHOULD HAVE BEEN A CLUE that she knows who has the idol. 

Gervase talks with Monica about who she trusts in the game.  Obviously it's Gervase and Tyson.  "You guys chose me and that means a lot".  Meanwhile, Ceira is plotting working on her. 

Challenge:  It's one of the few times this season with swimming.  Swim to a stand, unwrap a buoy, swim back, untie PUZZLE PIECES and decode an expression Jeff has endlessly repeated all season.  Wanna know? Immunity and room service.  God even the rewards suck this season.  And did I miss the auction??

Ciera sucks at swimming, even worse than Gervase.  These 2 better be glad they weren't on the season where every challenge was a swim out, swim back thing.  She's the last to get her bag o' letters.  AND YET....Ciera wins reward with the catchy phrase "YOU WILL HAVE TO DIG DEEP" or something like that.  Obviously no one else listens to Jeff either.  She obviously chooses Hayden for the food reward.  I think he orders pizza and she orders a hamburger.  It's not even a big deal because THEY ARE ALL SO WELL FED. 

Tyson and the crew are all "meh, it's better that they eat".  Ciera is all in on trying to turn Monica.  She gets her aside and starts telling her about all the MAD CRAP Tyson has been saying about Monica.  You're weak, paranoid, like a puppy on a leash.  Monica-if that were the case why would he draw rocks to save me?  Duh, he took a change because without you he wouldn't have the numbers.  Monica cries.  It hurt me.  I'm now playing my game.  Whatev.

Tribal

Ciera-is there still a division?  Duh Jeff, of course there is. 
Hayden-we're on the bottom but we can still control some of the events. He starts on the Monica is being used thing.
Gervase-this is what people at the bottom always try to do. 
Monica-Ciera told me stuff that Tyson and Gervase were saying about me.  It could be true...
Tyson-meh, Ciera has been saying stuff about Monica the whole time. 
Ciera-Monica should know what has been said about her now instead of sitting with her family at home as a loser hearing it.
Gervase-if you were so concerned, why didn't anyone tell her while it was happening??
Hayden again says Tyson is controlling the game which gets Gervase all upset. 
Ciera-remember, evil, rude things were said about you. 
Monica-I'm gonna dig deep.  I feel good. I like these people, since I've lost weight my implants look even bigger.  A new side of me....blah blah....morality and ethical issues will bite you in the ass at the end.....
Jeff-are Hayden and Ciera showing you a better path to the end?  (In other words, please give me something to make this game not seem like a slam dunk for Tyson). 
Hayden-She's a strong independent woman
Ciera-Your family will be cheering if you make a big move....

Vote.  And as expected Hayden goes to RI.  Wonder if he can beat the women in the final duel.....

Gervace     Meagan     Nancy

Monica      Liz             Tess

Tyson        Chris         John S

Ciera         Leslie         Becky

Redemption Isle

Hayden     Donna/John Kelly
Laura M     Lori             Amy
Tina         Jill                Susan

OUT
Rupert Donna Mary Which means you now have Colton. 

Colton     Alt 1Donna      Alt 1Mary  Which means you now have KAT
Rachel         Cathy V    Kim  Which means you now have John.
Marissa Rachel Joanne
Candice Ron Kevin/Matt
Brad         Elayne         Carolyn
Kat         Alt 2 Donna       Alt 2 Mary
John      Cathy  V and Kim. 
Laura B     Stacy         Jeff/Eileen

Aras         AnnMarie     Stephanie

Vytas         Betty         GailCaleb         Karen         Cindy
Katie         Denise         Ginnie

Survivor Crazy Time

Wow, so since I just realized it's 2 weeks until xmas, I'm thinking the finale must be coming up!  Is it Sunday???  We're getting down but there's still a bunch of people left.  Must  be going to bring someone back from Re-education Island tonight.  That'll throw the whole thing off!

Ok, so first up, isn't this the time when they're all bitching about being hungry??  I have never seen them crying about a lack of rice or food once on this show.  And, frankly, no one is looking really skinny.  Second, if it really is 115 degrees, why are there never any sweaty pits showing???  Anyone?  Anyone?  Bueler?

So, Caleb went to RI last week.  Hayden is all "YO, I HOPE Y'ALL LIKE LOSING TO TYSON".  Y'all are all fighting for second place.  Gervase takes issue with that and claims he's really running the show.  LOL.  I doubt even Gervase' mother believes that. 

Duel time.  Tina, Laura and Caleb all come in.  Caleb won't even look at the remaining players.  " A man's word apparently doesn't mean much in Philly or Utah".  Gervase calls him a sore loser. 

So the RI challenge it the "Jan, watch your bracelet" house of cards challenge.  First to get to 8 foot or highest at the 30 minute mark.  Seriously, Laura kicks ASS on this.  She gets to 8 foot without barely losing any cards.  Jeff is his usually utterly fucking annoying self repeating "You never give up...things could change in a heartbeat.....you never give up....."  GAD, shut the hell up!!!! 

At the 2 minute mark, Caleb was ahead.  Tina was not gettin it done.  AND JUST LIKE JEFF SAID, THINGS CHANGED IN A MINUTE".  Caleb's falls over and Tina just waits the time out.  Tina survives.  And then Jeff just had to go into the whole "how do you stand Colton??  Your relationship is puzzling to me" crap.  Caleb tells him, well they are both men so they have that in common.  Frankly I thought it was rude. 

Laura gives Ciera the clue, and she decides to keep it. 

Back at camp the twit shares it with her "alliance"- Tyson, Gervase, and Monica.  They all go looking for it, and Hayden and Katie follow.  Tyson finds it again, and with dramatic epic music playing, hides it in his crotch.  Because apparently there is a lot of room down there.  Decides not to share it.

So here's the thing that always bothers me.  You see one person quit looking for an idol and then what, you all just also figure "oh well, it's too hard"???  WTF???  I'd still be out there looking. 

Hayden knows he's toast, so he tries to work Gervase on the second place angle.  Gervase either pretends to listen or is kinda interested.  He tells Hay that he needs a 100% plan with Ciera in.

Challenge.  It's an obstacle course with a balance a ball thing, followed by the bean bag toss.  Wanna know?  Immunity and an ice cream truck. 

Monica, as expected, has vast pole experience.  She just kicks ass on the balance and the obstacle course.  Gets to the bean bags in front.  Gervase is right behind, and he kicks the bean bags.  Tyson shows up and tries but Hay and Katie are in the weeds. 

Gervase wins immunity.  He choses Monica and Tyson to join him.  Hayden thinks he can work Ciera on the see??  You;re 4th angle.  She has no intention of working with him but he keeps pointing out nobody ever wins without making the big move. 

He keeps working Gervase and Ciera and finally tells Tyson that they aren't willing to go against him.  Hayden decides to blow up tribal.

Tribal

Hayden is on fire.  It's a 4-2 split and everyone is controlled by Tyson.
Ciera insists she is not in fact controlled by Tyson.  She's comfortable about not being chosen for food. 
Gervase keeps stepping in it calling they 1,2,3,4 and Ciera is always 4.  He says, "that's because those 2 were  my original alliance". 
Hayden keeps telling then this is their chance.  He wispers "Monica" to Katie and Ciera. 

Katie makes some inane comment about not being involved in the "political whatever", which totally pisses Jeff off because THAT'S THE WHOLE GAME AND THE WHOLE REASON I GET PAID MONEY TO HOST THIS SHOW.

Monica keeps telling Ciera that 4 is better than 6, again telling her she's 4.  Hayden:  See??? You;re #4.  You could be $3 with us. 
Gervase says she should stay with them because "at least we're honest".  This gets a big laugh from the crowd.  Again, Gervase says it's 1,2,3,4 and points to Ciera as #4.  If it's 3-3 it forces the rocks to be drawn.  (when did they give up the fire challenge to break a tie?????)

Hayden says if Ciera isn't 4, Monica is.  He's trying to "rustle feathers".  Tyson takes time out to correct him that the correct word is "ruffle.  Russell is a mans name".  "It's rustle, not Russell".  LOL!! Kind of an inane interlude. 

Time to vote. Tyson tells Ciera to stick with him and Monica.

 Hayden 3, Monica 3. 

Revote: Hayden 2, Monica 2.  Deadlocked.  Per the rules of Survivor 2.7 edition, Katie, Ciera, Tyson, Gervase must come to a unanimous decision or draw rocks (not Gervase). 

Ciera: Don't bullshit me.  I'm #4, I'm doing rocks. 
And just like that, they're doing rocks.  Which is a stupid move for Tyson with an idol in his crotch. 

And.....Katie is out.  Tyson "I didn't think you had the balls to do it".

It's GAME ON.  God I hope Laura comes back and shakes it all up again!!!

 

Survivor Update: The Jeff Therapist is IN

Is anyone else looking forward to season 42 when Tina crawls once again out of her box of sawdust and plays against her grandchildren?? 

So yea, last week's update was canceled due to Thanksgiving.  Right about now last week I was in my pajamas screaming "I fucking hate this holiday" to my scared as hell husband.  My notes say "Big Ciera drama" and Laura went to redemption again.  Oh right, they made a big deal that Ciera voted her mom off.  LOL.

Ok, so now everyone's all ooooh Ciera is showing her loyalty... except Tyson now things she appears to be "playing the game" and dangerous.  Laura shows up at redemption and Tina is expecting it to be Katie.  Question: how far away from the tribe do you think the fake redemption island set is?  Like, how far do they have to walk from tribal to redemption?  Or is there a car that takes them?  It seemed to me Tina and Vytas were aware someone was coming.  I want to know if this is really spread out or if the "sets" are really right next to each other.  And, is this public land??  Or are they renting someone's farm/beach??  They'd have to be renting someone's fancy land to have access to that much space, with a production crew, etc.  Just wondering.....

Oh, so the show.  On Redemption, everyone's all "why can't they see Tyson is in charge and vote him off??" 

Duel time.  Vytas, Laura and Tina.  They have to roll cubes down a mesh tunnel thing, and then solve a puzzle with the cubes.  Tina sucks at getting the cubes out and falls behind.  Laura wins, and then tells Tina how to do the puzzle, thereby getting rid of Vytas.  This is followed by about 10 freaking minutes of Dr. Jeff going on and on about the Vytas-Aras relationship and it's SUCH PSYCHOBABBLE BULLSHIT I have to leave the room and get a drink of something strong.  Laura gives the clue to Ciera who burns it. 

Is it me or does Ciera look like a ferret? 

Tyson is determined to get rid of Katie, because he thinks she now has 3 jury votes.  I guess he's counting the people on RI. 

Hayden and Caleb, the southern braintrust, are waiting for their time to strike.  "You don't want to wait too long to get blindsided".  They decide to take out Tyson.  They tell Katie their plans and she's obviously all for it.  They then tell Ciera who listens and plays along and then runs straight to Tyson.

Ciera is upset that Hayden and Caleb are going all rogue and "it's too sketchy" for me.  She talks to Tyson, tells him she doesn't trust them and basically tells him she's totally with him.  Tyson tells Gervase, who I cannot believe is still in this game.  They're all "what happened to our 4 man alliance"?? 

Next morning, Ciera is all ridiculously obvious.  She asks Tyson to go with her to get tree mail, and won't look Caleb or Hayden in the eye.  They're like, "hmmmmmm, this is weird."  Ceira, in addition to looking like a ferret has a lazy eye, amiright?? 

Hayden has a stroke of genius.  WHAT IF CIERA TELLS TYSON??? Hayden and Katie are now nervous and need a plan B. 

Challenge.  Come on in, guys.  They have to hold a bucket with 25% of their body weight in it.  But, there's a twist.....who wants to sit it out and eat?  Tyson, Gervase AND CIERA sit out and are obnoxious about eating.  Seriously, how many seasons do people have to watch before you realize you NEVER SIT IT OUT AND EAT???  I mean these 3 are being so awful.  Ciera, why not just hold up a sign saying, "I'M WITH TYSON"? 

Monica wins her 3rd immunity challenge.  Jeff is all into the psychology of why some people chose to eat, asking why they feel so secure.  Back at camp, all Tyson can do is discuss the food.  Katie thinks those 3 eating was telling.  YA THINK??? 

Plan B is to flat out ask Tyson if he's splitting with their alliance.  Tyson: "you were after ME".  They try to convince him that Ciera is wicked and is playing both sides.  Tyson doesn't trust them. 

Gervase is all, "yo, what are we doing??" 

Tribal.

Eating shows no harmony and too much confidence.  I think Jeff said that.  Anyway, he's ramped up about that again.  Hayden-my hands were totally bleeding and I held on.  I'm jealous that they feel so good today.

Caleb says he wasn't shocked about Ciera because she feels comfortable.  Ciera says, "if I don't think I can win I might as well eat". Tyson was surprised more people didn't eat. 

Now Jeff is all about TRUST.  Gervase goes on about trust looking at Hayden.  Jeff points it out to Ciera and asks her if she would be surprised if it was her.  Yes, Jeff I would. 

Vote.  Tyson plays the idol to the shock of everyone.  Caleb ends up voted off.  And Jeff is still talking about trust and blah blahblah. 

Survivor Update: How many alliances?

Yo Yo Yo!!!  Where ya all been?  I've been sending out updates for the past 3 weeks without any comments.  (hahaha).  Ok, that's a lie.  But I'm up off my ASS and just rewatched last week's episode. 

But first!  Looks like Kat bit it at her first threesome, and then Laura B went to redemption as the switch tribe of all women chose her over Vytas.  Supposedly they are all bonded for life now.  As are the men and Ciera. 

Laura B arrives at redemption and is all PISSED and think the women made a terrible mistake.  "It's ridiculous, ridiculous, it's ridiculous, ridiculous".  Apparently she thinks the vote was ridiculous. 

So, the women and Vytas talk about what happens when the teams merge.  Vytas-"I can bring Aras and Gervase into the merge with us", that would make 6.  For some reason, they tell Monica she's above Gervase but still #5.  Which pisses her off totally. 

Threesome time.  The winner re-enters the game.  Jeff goes on to explain what "winner takes all" means for about 10 minutes.  It's totally annoying. 

And hey. BTW, how come these contestants are all wearing CLEAN CLOTHES?? 

Ok.  The threeway is the big pole hug.  Who has the strongest thighs.  I'm thinking we can leave Laura B out of this one.  Ciera isn't sure she wants her mother back but LM is all "I proooomised Ciera I'd make it back". 

John is out first followed my Laura B whose heavy ASS dragged her down the pole.  Just the way Rupert likes it.  LOL. 

Tribes are now merged.  Laura M burns the clue.  And they get food. 

And, now, it gets so freaking confusing that I had to rewatch it twice.  There are apparently 3 alliances floating out there.  The original celebs and their loved ones, the switched tribes and then there's a new alliance of those with loved ones and those without. 

Aras and Vytas talk and agree that their alliance is Tina, Katie, Monica, Gervase, Tyson.  Vytas isn't sure about Tyson but Aras is all for including him.  Aras wants Laura M gone first.  Vytas is pretty sure he and Aras are already the final 2.  Monica beats Tyson's ear about her being #5 and Tyson keeps telling her it's gonna be Aras.  He also says he's like to dig his eye balls out with a rusty spoon in order to get to his brain. 

Challenge: it's a memory test. Bottom line, it comes down to Vytas and Aras and Vytas wins immunity. 

So... Aras decides that the boys will all vote for Laura and the girls will all vote for Ciera.  Not sure how or why that would be acceptable since it goes across the alliances. 

Laura and Ciera talk.  They wonder if Aras has the idol.  Laura is a total spaz.  Wants to split the vote between Aras and Tina.  I'm not even sure what alliance they think they are in. 

Tyson wants to get rid of Aras.  He considers his alliance to be him, Caleb, Gervase, Monica, Hayden, Ciera and Laura. 

Did I mention Tyson found the idol? 

Tribal

Tyson agrees that there are 3 potential alliances.
 The original tribes (Aras, Gervase, Laura, Monica, Tina, Tyson vs Vytas, Caleb, Hayden, Ciera, Katie),
the switch tribes (Aras, Gervase, Tyson, Caleb, Hayden, Katie vs Laura, Monica, Tina, Katie and Vytas)
OR the blood tribes (Aras/Vytas, Laura/Ciera, Tina/Katie vs Gervase, Monica, Tyson, Caleb, and Hayden)

Hayden agrees that there is a pairs vs individuals possible alliance but that with Laura back in, most of the combos make Laura and Ciera a swing pair.  He also points out that any of the bloods could swing. 

Is Laura a target as the person who spent time on redemption usually is?  Laura says she has a bond with her daughter who gives her advice.  Ciera admits she has to talk her mother down off the ledge. 

Gervase insists the "smart people" who are paying attention will still be around tomorrow. 

And, it's time to vote.  There are 2 votes Laura and 2 votes Ciera.....and Aras is blindsided.  Crap.  There's still gonna be redemption island!

 

 

Survivor Update: Caleb and his Kahunas

Hello and welcome to this week's ALMOST ON TIME update of last week's Survivor episode.  I'm really hoping I'm not the only one watching this season! 

So last week Caleb up and said, "yo, I'm voting for Brad" at tribal council and almost everyone followed.  Well, except for the rest of the Bro-alliance.  Hayden and Vytas are all "what just happened??"  "Huge move, Bro".  Yet they are both thinking "this cannot be good for us males, can it?  I mean, helllloooooooo why did we even think the gay bro wasn't gonna go all girly on us and chose the other church, as they say." 

Annnnnnd over on Redemption Island, it's time for a little coitus brad-eruptis!  "Yo!  Don't kill me!"  Brad enters with his white flag out and his tail between his legs.  "I'm sorry Candice....please don't go all Carrie on me...."  Candice: " I have no love for him....this is my island and it's kill or be killed...." 

Over on Celebrity Island, there is some really really fucking creepy shit going on in the form of a lewd backrub performed by Laura M on Aras.  I mean, he even LOOKS uncomfortable.  "How did you learn to do that Laura M..."  "I've been married for 25 years......you should see what I can do with a can of whipped cream and some nuts."  Aras thinks Laura M (LM) is trying to play him.  No, Aras, I think she is trying to screw you.  Laura B tries her hand at a little cougar action:  "Gervace.....come have some blankey space.....".  Seriously, in what universe would that work?? 

Time for the 3-way!  Brad comes in and Monica immediately asks "can I take your place".  No baby.... Brad feels the need to explain that he isn't there "because I'm a jerk". Hmmmmm.  Candice says "I was just repeating what people were telling me".   Whatever.  Jeff has to point out that she hasn't played one day at either tribe. 

So the 3 way.  It's the use planks to build a bridge, cross it and touch the table (really??  Survivor can't even spring for a freaking bell or something??)  and then use the planks  to do a....wait for it.......PUZZLE.  And don't think, Jeff, I didn't notice that the puzzle picture is exactly the same as last week's.    Anywhoooo, Brad gets a lot of cheers and assistance, and in the end Candice is a goner.  Big kiss and goodbye.  John gives Monica the clue and "THROW IT IN THE FIRE BABY, THROW IT IN THE FIRE BABY".  She throws it in the fire, baby. 

Monica has the SADZ.  Tina, who by the way is looking worse than at the end of the Australia season, thinks Brad and Monica are really tight and that could be threatening.  She thinks now that Monica no longer has her guy she's stepping up her game, which could be a threat or an asset. Or she could just get freaking annoying trying to convince everyone her professional athlete husband doesn't suffer from steroid-induced rage attacks. 

Over in non-celebrity hooterville, Ciera is showing off her bug bites and Katie is impressing people with her amazing press on toe nails.  Which are nasty but hey, I once had Susan G Komen feet and STILL had to walk another 40 miles.  Vytas is all "where am I in this game?"  There clearly is no Bro-alliance.  He tries to kiss up to Caleb by telling him HE HAS NICE SKIN.  LOLOL!  He must have read that in a "what homosexuals like to hear from straight men" book.  Caleb says he can "swing either way with his big kahunas (can't believe that wasn't bleeped)",  which I took to mean that book is right on but he was talking about aligning with the men or the women.  Keep in mind this dude is ENGAGED to Colton. Clearly he has no ability to judge people.  Vytas decides instead of working on his alliance or strategizing he's gonna go do yoga,  And talk about how much nicer this place is to dry out than his last rehab. 

Finally, the challenge.  It's brought to you by Hasbro and is available at Target nationwide.  It's the Survivor slip N slide (also known in the trade as the "jesus some of these people smell like ass so let's do something about it" challenge).  After the slip N slide, it's the old ring toss!  God.  Does anyone remember when Survivor had real challenges??  Wanna know what youre playing for, in addition to the enema?  STEAK, and spices and a WOK.  Some one actually says ooooooh a wok.  Like, you can have the steak Ima gonna lick on this wok for a while.  Or, they can chose fishing equipment, which the producers have shipped over Fed Ex and will NOT take back until the non-celeb tribe FINALLY wins it in a challenge. 

Sooo, first up Gervace and Caleb.  And with one girly underhanded toss Caleb smokes the professional athlete. Next up, Tyson in his little hair bun beats Hayden.  Katie beats Kat, Aras and Vytas go against each other and Jeff is all "ooooh, the grudge rematch".  And is it me or does Jeff have a case of the I-can't-shut-the-hell-ups this season?  Isn't it funny when you stop sleeping with someone at the Pottstown Motel 6, because someone marries a skank, that you notice how freaking annoying the really are. Who's with me on this? 

Anyway, Aras and Vytas go head to head, and because of his yoga zen, Vytas wins.  3-1 if you're counting.  Tina obviously beats Ciera, and Caleb once again proves his worth putting things on a pole and beats Tyson.  Who also throws like a girl.  It's all down to Gervace and Hayden.  HAHAHA, did anyone really think now was Gervace's time to shine? Nope.  Finally, the loved ones win a challenge!  Woo hooo!  Jeff: so you're taking this damn fishing gear right?  "Nope Jeff, we'd rather be 47%ers and take food handouts instead of learning to fish".

So it's a tough day at the celebrity camp as everyone reviews their contracts to see who is obligated to go first.  OHHHH, Laura B doesn't have a contract, let's get rid of her. Plus SHE IS GOD DAMN ANNOYING and frankly one of the least attractive women they've ever had on the show.  LB goes up to Kat and starts taking trash about "the girls" bitching about her staying in the challenge when they wanted to do it.  Kat is all, "what's your problem old woman?"  She ignores her. 

Will it be LB or LM?  LB is the safe choice because she's annoying and has no contract, plus she messed up the strategy Tina and Rupert worked out via their managers.  BUUUUUT, LM might have a better change of beating Brad, who apparently no one wants to come back into the game.  That way, they can control Monica.  Monica figures this out and starts lobbying for LB. 

Tribal.  Jeff is in green and does his  "fire is your life" thing. 
Gervace: Is it different this time?  Yes.  These people make some moves. 
Tina: It's going faster this time in terms of strategeering.  "That loved ones thing is a big twist" (thereby earning herself another spoonful of rice)
Monica: Yes, Jeff, that loved one thing is miiiiighty big of a change.  Even better than that island where people had to go spend the night in the rainstorms a couple of seasons ago.  I dread seeing Brad at the 3-ways. 
Aras: I'd like in on that "yes the loved one thing is a might twist" extra rice gambit, please.  There is loyalty in the pairs.  Not with Vytas and me, thought, noooo sireeeeee.  That yoga doing drug addict can go do a downward dog for all I care. 
Laura M:  Yea, same with me and Ciera.  Franky, I'm looking at her bug bites and thinking, "now you know how I felt when you came home all knocked up". 
Gervace-Meh, she and Ciera are still close.  I mean, she didn't even kick that pregnant little slut out the house.  That shit don't fly in Philly.
LB-do I belong here Jeff?  What the fuck kind of question is that?  What do you mean "you're not Rupert in the tie dyed shirt and ARRRRRGHHHHH"?  You aren't ARRRRGGGGG either Jeff, and there is NO WAY you could pull tie dyed off with your pansy dyed hair and your little J. Crew shirts and necklaces. 
Laura M: Jeff, LB hasn't felt the STING of being voted off Survivor like we all have.  I'm still in therapy after my dollar store torch was snuffed out.

And on that note, time to vote........Laura M you are off to redemption!  Try that backrub on Brad and Monica will scratch your eyes out.

Mini'lebs

Gervace     Meagan     Nancy

Monica      Liz             Tess

Tina         Jill                Susan

Aras         AnnMarie     Stephanie

Laura B     Stacy         Jeff/Eileen

Tyson     Amys husband John S

Kat         Alt 2 Donna       Alt 2 Mary

Love'uns

Caleb         Karen         Cindy

Katie         Denise         Ginnie

Vytas         Betty         Gail

Ciera         Leslie         Becky

Hayden     Donna/John Kelly

Redemption Isle

Colton     Alt 1Donna      Alt 1Mary  Which means you now have KAT
Rachel         Cathy V    Kim

Laura M     Lori             Amy

John      Cathy  V and Kim. 
Brad         Elayne         Carolyn

OUT
Rupert Donna Mary Which means you now have Colton. 

  Which means you now have John.
Marissa Rachel JoanneCandice Ron Kevin/Matt

Survivor Update: Mess with the bull, deal with the horns.

Buenos Dios!  I was going to do this entire update in Spanish, but since they didn't ask where the library was last week I'm kinda out of Spanish.

So where were we.....John was blindsided and sent off to 3-way island,  joining his hot little bundle of angry wife and Marissa.  Let's hope Marissa's one special item was earplugs.  And hey, do they still get one item?  Haven't heard that in a while and it appears to me they get to bring a whole suitcase of stuff these days. 

Brad's all happy with his hoodwinking.  "I hooked him from Day 1! "  Tells everyone that they need to start thinking about getting rid of people without loved ones on the other tribe so they can somehow magically increase their numbers at merge time.  Caleb is all, "well I'm fucked". 

Tri-duel time!  Candace, Marissa and John are in the Coliseum.  But first! A little more Candace venom spewed at Brad.  "I'm PISSSSSSSSED......II'd rather have BRAAAAAAD here." and then, so predictably, she turns her head and spit green vomit. 

Monica: "Why is everyone hating on my maaaan?" 

Brad: "Have I shushed any women?" 

John: "Never shushed me and I'm a total ball-less abused husband"

Candace: "AAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYY"

Seriously, this woman with pms?  There's those elusive WMDs George Bush was looking for. 

Finally, Jeff grows a pair and we proceed with the ladder climb-puzzle challenge.  Jeff:"It's a real hard puzzle.....it's gonna take you a loooong time to get it......shit, I still haven't completed it in my air  conditioned trailer".  "It's a square puzzle....and and and it has a logo on top.....and it's square....." 

 Bottom line, John and then Candace win!  YAY!  More sex time!! 

Candace, after blaming  Brad for calling all the shots in their marriage bellows to John  "LETS GIVE THE CLUE TO MONICA".  Yes, Dear.  Brad tells Monica to put the clue in the fire, put the clue in the fire, put the clue in the fire.  Monica puts the clue in the fire.  Candace "JUUUUUST DOING WHAT SHE'S TOLD.  NOW GET ME SOME FISH, JOHN, I'M HUNGRY DAMMIT". 

Back at the celebrity ranch, Monica is upset.  "I'm sure Brad's just trying to provide firewood and comfort for your loved ones..."  You can almost hear the eye rolling at that one. Gervase: "Um, perhaps you don't really know Survivor Brad". 

Brad thinks everyone's hating on him!  I'm a target!  Caleb, Hayden and Vytus are rethinking that whole manly man alliance thing. 

Tyson is still resting his arm.  Well, in between running the coconut shell game with Gervase.  They steal the coconuts, crack them open a little bit and drink the juice.  The women think crabs are getting to them.  LOL.  "Operation Coconut". 

Challenge: Immunity and a choice of coffee/tea and sweets or fishing gear.  Paddle out, swim down and get big squares, paddle back, form stairs, do a puzzle, get a combination, get a key, lift the damn flag.  Tyson stays in and 2 women sit out. 

The loved ones lose their boxes in the water and the yellow team pulls ahead.  Yellow is first to get their staircase done.  And now we have us a mother-fucking puzzle off!  Once again Laura goes against the clueless Ciera, who apparently couldn't figure out that round birth control puzzle thing back in high school.  Celebs finish the puzzle, and raise their flag first.  WHO DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!

Hayden: " We just lost to a dude with one arm and 3 moms". 

Back at camp, the men go "get water" while the women "make rice" which apparently is code for discuss their votes.  Brad hangs back and tells Ciera and Katie they should all vote out Caleb.  Ciera is like suuuuuure. 

Meanwhile the men are waiting for Brad to show up.  They all want Ciera.  Brad finally shows up and tells them I've convinced the girls it's Caleb".  Caleb is all, "Say whaaaat??" 

Tribal:

Brad-no, this isn't what I was expecting on Survivor.  I thought my wife was just being a pussy about it all.  We've lost twice by Ciera and her puzzles.

Ciera-ok ,so I suck at puzzles.  I don't bitch about it at camp.

Brad-why are y'all airing dirty laundry at redemption, making crap up and telling the other tribe? Voting out people without loved ones on the other side would make my life easier at the Coliseum

Caleb-Hmmmmm, you talking about me??

Brad-Nooo, I wasn't talking about you specifically....I've never "campaigned" against anyone...that's a bad word.....

Hayden pops back up to show  he's relevant.  "Trust is hard to get back once you lose it". Thank you, Confucius.

Caleb-says something and then says "I'm just telling y'all I'm voting for Brad". 

Everyone-"Say WHAAAAT???" 

Hayden and Vytus are all "Daaaaaamn.  Who knew the little gay farmer had it in him?????"

Ciera- OMG!!! 

Brad-"I'm not writing your name down Caleb..."

Time to vote!  It's a tie-3 for Brad, 3 for Ciera.  Revote.......And as Brad heads off to join John and Candace in the nastiest 3 way EVAH, my chances for FINALLY winning this damn pool take yet another circle around the drain. 

Survivor Colton Smackdown.

Yo!  Whew, glad to be back.  Last week's update was canceled due to the gubermint shut down but fortunately SOMEONE realized these updates were ESSENTIAL to the functioning of America.

2 weeks ago:  Colton was a dick, the immunity challenge was skeeball and Rachel was voted out because the manly men believed Tyson could be enticed to take her place and come back into the game on the losers side. 

So, last week we get to meet Tyson's cupcake belt.  "Who wants a lick?"  Um, yea.  NO ONE. 

Lady parts Colton was bitching that no one wants to talk strategy.  Aras tells him, yea, you're in trouble.  He thinks Colton only likes the game when he is causing problems. 

And now to the 3-way, which is called a duel. 

And just so we are all clear:

du·el

[doo-uhl, dyoo-] Show IPA noun, verb, du·eled, du·el·ing or ( especially British ) du·elled, du·el·ling.

noun

1.

a prearranged combat between two persons, fought with deadly weapons according to an accepted code of procedure, especially to settle a private quarrel.

2.any contest between two persons or parties.


Tonight's threeway is between Candace, Marissa and Rachel.  Tyson "they probably voted for her thinking I would change places with her".  Rachel "you have a better chance than me BABY".  Tyson decides not to switch and a big fight breaks out between Brad CulP, Tyson and apparently Marissa wants a little of it.  Colton starts to fucking cry.


Jeff: "Colton, what's your fucking lady parts problem?"
Colton : "I don't want to be here"
Jeff: "Well, I'd prefer to be at the Pottstown Motel 6 but Mark Burnett owns both of our asses.  Mine however only literally"
Colton: "I thought I was gonna get to have sex with my farmer fiance in an exotic location"
Jeff: "Sorry Colton.  So do you want to stay or quit AGAIN, because I can now tell the world that you TOTALLY FAKED THAT APPENDIX"
Colton" Did not. I was treated for a bacterial infection  known as syphilis"
Jeff: "Tina, you want a piece of this?"
Tina: "Hell yes!  I starved on season 2 to make this a hit show so pansies like Colton could come back and EAT RICE ALL DAMN DAY."  "He's pissed that he can't control the game.  Well that and the Caleb sex thing".
Jeff: "Is Tina right?  You're just a dick who should have stuck to your synthetic leather couch from Ikea?"
Colton: "But Jeff, everybody knows if I don't get my Caleb sex every day I become mean.  I told the producers that".
Caleb: "Yo bitch, don't be blaming me."
Booooohooooooooooooooooooo  Lemme it  on Caleb's lap before I goooooooooooooooooooooo.

Ok. So maybe I embellished that a little.  Anywho, Colton is back to redneck Alabama or wherever he hides out.  Keep your buff ya damn quitter.

Sooo, who wants to play a little dominoes?  Bottom line....Rachel is out.  Candace gives John the second clue to the immunity idol.  Which NO ONE ELSE ON EITHER TEAM has tried to find with out a clue. 

Brad thinks he is in charge but thinks everyone else thinks they are in charge.  Delusion can be caused by head injuries I hear.  He has a bit bad ass target shaped tattoo on his back.  And since he is my player he better get kicked out while there are still alternates, dammit.

John has the clue but can't find it.  He finally shares it with Brad but tells Brad that they shouldn't be seen both looking for it.  Brad gets suspicious.  Does John not trust me?  Do I trust John to be my wingman??

Immunity Challenge:  It's a sumo wrestling pillow fight.  Or as Aras likes to call it, a bully grudge match.  Aras is still apparently in therapy for the bullying his brother gave him as a child.  He's apparently blown through his first winning million dollars on the couch and now needs more money to figure out why his brother was a bully.  Or as I liked to call it, a big  brother. 

Here's the deal:
Gervase and Brad grudge match.  Brad wins
Laura and Katie, Laura wins
John and Aras, John wins
Hayden and Tyson-Hayden wins immediately because Tyson dislocates his shoulder. 
Tina kicks her daughter Katie's ASS
Aras realizes his dream and kicks Vytas's ass. 
Cierra gets her ass kicked by her mom, who has a little crying fit first. 

The mini celebs win immunity and more comfort. 

Back at loser camp, the mens quickly decide which of the women they are getting rid of.  Cierra.  But then because this episode still has 20 minutes left, Brad has to be a total DICK, risking my pool win, and he decides it's time to blindside John.  John's strong, plus if his wife comes back into the game, they will team back up and I'll lose my "guy", so he has to go.  He talks the men into it and then they talk to the girls who are like, SUUUUUUURE.  The only catch is Brad has this scheme that HE won't actually vote for John, so that if he comes back into the game he can still be buddies with him.

Yea, even the women realize what sleeze this is.  MAYBE WE SHOULD GET RID OF BRAD INSTEAD???

Tribal:
John: Yes, the men are the strong people on the tribe, Jeff.
Katie: Yes, I am aware that I suck it and have lost twice to my freaking mom.  I need now to win for the therapy money
Cierra: Yes, I let the team down because I weigh 90 lbs already
Caleb: MALES DOMINATE.  LOLOL.  (He really did say that)
Vytas: Yes there is a male alliance BUT it's not quite rudimentary.  (He learned the big words in rehab).  Trust still comes into play.
Brad: The idol could be used against you.  I'm glad I don't have it but my wing man might. Oh and I'm not the kingpin.  No sireeeee
Hayden: No one has shared the clue with me.
Brad: We can't always tell the truth in this game!

Time to tally
Vote: Cierra 1, John 4.  Enjoy the Rapture Island sex!