Amazing Race Week 10

Woohooo! Final 3, baby.

This week's episode started and stayed in Moscow. Teams had to find a nuclear sub and "find the actor from The Hunt for Red October". Seriously, show of hands now, who thought it was gonna be Sean Connery? Nope. Some no name actor that the Race didn't even have enough respect to give a name to.

Ok, so first let me go back and state for the record, that I honestly don't believe for an American TV show that you should be able to cavort on a nuclear sub. There is NO FRIGGIN WAY that this was a real nuclear sub. Maybe a Bush/Palin "NUCULAR" sub, but those aren't real anyway. I so hope the Amazing Race never comes out to Limerick and has people scale the cooling towers.

Anywhoo, everyone jumps into taxi's (again, with the Russian KGB-spy drivers) and draws a stick figure of sub. Me? I'd of had rays shooting off of it just so the driver knew I wanted the RADIOACTIVE sub.

Everyone gets to the sub at the same time and all rush in, and run around the sub saying, "clue? clue?" Finally, they find the heavily made up ACTOR captain, who is on the phone with his agent trying to find out what this gig is paying. He gives them their next clues: take a taxi to the graveyard of fallen monuments. Which is not grammatically correct because, from what I saw, all of the monuments were right side up, but were of fallen HEROES.

The Cheaters jump in the spy-taxi with GPS. MASSIVE TRAFFIC. Maybe the big 3 automakers should go there to sell their cars?

Roadblock. One teammate had to be "good at solving mysteries...literally". For the roadblock, one teammate had to count the number of Lenin and Stalin statues (6 and 2) , put the separate numbers together, then take a cab to a store where, if their numbers were correct, a shopkeeper would give them a book by the a mystery writer; at the book's page with the same number as the statue total, there would be a clue to an address where the teammate's partner would be waiting. Phew. In case you didn't guess I cut and pasted that sentence from the cbs website. Seriously, it was really confusing. Give me Survivor where all I have to do is tell ya that the unwashed have to lob a ball onto a sheet with circles on it, and get closest to the middle circle. Now, I didn't hear this part in the reading of the clue but everyone gives this member of the team their passport and all their money. This should have been accompanied by dramatic music, since we'd all seen the promos and know some tool loses their passport and $$.

The Frats go to the wrong park.

Nick gets to the park, counts the monuments, goes to the bookstore and gets the right answer. bada-bing. He's off to the famous author's house where their partners are all waiting. The Cheaters argue the whole way in the cab to the cemetery. Tina Cheater wants Ken to tell the KGB agent to put out his cigarette. Ken refuses, just to piss her off. She close her eyes and puts her finger on her forehead to press Ken's image out of her head. As a result, storm clouds gather over the cab and by the time they get to the Roadblock it is raining. Tina doesn't want to chance having her eyebrows wash off, so she takes her time getting a raincoat out of her bag. This exasperates Ken. Tina counts the dead heads, and heads off.

Dallas goes into the park to count the Lenins and Stalins. Cut to mom who is waiting at the author's house and saying, "I paid a lot of money for his education, but I'm not sure he's gonna know how to tell the difference" . LOL. The funniest part is that she paid money to educate this monkey.

Dallas gets to the bookstore and gives the wrong answer, getting a 10 minute penalty. He counted 6 Stalins and 3 Lenins (but one was John), so he's never gonna get this combination right. Tina Cheater counts 5 Stalin and 2 Lenins, but she's not sure of the Stalins. She gets it wrong and gets a penalty. I lost track how many times Dallas got this wrong, but he and Tina Cheater compare notes and they figure out the right numbers. Tina helps Dallas with the higher math and, when she tells Ken Cheater, he gets all pissed off that she helped him. Seriously, these two needs meds.

Meanwhile, Nick and Starr get their next clue: find a lady in the park with a pony. LOL. Sounds like something illicit on an internet chat sight. I didn't realize Shetland ponies are Russian. Detour: take the rails or the lines. I gotta copy this one too cause it's so ridiculously complex:

In Ride the Rails, teams had to make their way on foot to the Sokol’niky Metro Station, where they had to catch the metro to Ulitsa 1905 and find a marked snack shop to receive a traditional pastry known as a samsa. The wrapper of the samsa would direct them to another train to Kitay-Gorod Station in order to find the statue dedicated to the man who created the Cyrillic alphabet (seriously, this is ridiculous and gratuitous information). In exchange for the pastry, a nearby babushka would hand teams a postcard with the name and picture of their final location, VNDKh Park Station.
In Ride the Lines, teams made their way on foot to a bus stop near Sokol’niky Park and hop on a trolley bus to a station called Krasndsel’skaya. Then, they had to find a key maker who would give them a storage locker key, before hopping on another trolleybus to a station called Rizhskaya. When they arrived, they had to search the station for a locker that matched their key, open it, and also retrieve a postcard with the name and picture of their final destination, VNDKh Park Station.

Got it? Ok, right about now Frats get to the right park and wisely get a real live Russian to help them figure out the monuments. They come up with 6 Stalins and 1 Lenins. He gets it wrong the first time.

And, now the moment we've all been dreading... when Dallas gets out of the cab at the author's apartment he leaves his money and passport in the cab. Now, this kind of pissed me off and if I had these 2 as MY pool pick I would have been freaking out, cause it seemed to me he didn't do much to stop the cab. I would have screamed like a banshee (seriously, when traveling outside the US I manically check and recheck my passport about every 10 seconds), and thrown my backpack at the back window of the cab. But, I guess he figured mommy would take care of it. Deep breath. Ok, so they figure they will still try to finish the Detour, but to save money, they take the subway instead of a cab as specified in the clue. Also, they panhandle the money for the subway with ease. Apparently Russian money is totally useless since everyone is willing to give it away.

Nick and Starr ride the rails with ease, commenting about a million times how living in NYC has come in handy. They finish easily and get their next clue to proceed to the Pitt stop where they are once again first and win trips to Anguilla. They are assured a spot in the final 3. I hate them.

Toni and Dallas and the Frats get to the Shetland Pony lady at the same time, but Toni and Dallas have to go back and take a cab instead of riding the subway. The Frats get their Speedbump, and with the challenges on this leg so far, I was dreading hearing what they had to do. Speedbump: they have to perform with Russian dancers. haha. You know the producers just made this up after seeing the marching. I thought this would be the end of them given the total lack of coordination of the one dude. They have to repeat it twice but finally finish.

Toni and Dallas borrow money and go back to the author's house where they also get money to take a cab, return to the Pony lady and start panhandling to ride the rails.

The Cheaters ride the lines but get on the wrong kind of bus. Keeeeeeennnnnn. God, her voice is killing me. The Frats do either the lines or the rails. Lines I think. By this time my head was hurting. Both teams end up at the station, Tina and Ken are kind of lost and arguing. The Frats spot the clue box and head on out to meet Phil. Frats are team number 2. Cheaters cheat and just see Phil and the mat and step on it. Phil tells them that they are team # 3 buuuuut, they missed the final clue. They panic and run all around the station. Fortunately for ME, Toni and Dallas are horribly behind. Cheaters step on the mat and get the final spot. (Ginnie: how big was the drama at your house??)

Phil gets tired of waiting for Toni and Dallas, so he goes out and finds them in the street and tells them it's all over. Toni cries, they both say "I love you" over and over again. I wonder what will happen with Starr and Dallas' romance??

Survivor Week 12

Ok, I really thought I already wrote this one up. I think I dreamed one that was probably WAY funnier.

Show started with a rehash of Randy's humiliation. Man, I could watch that all day. And, continued on the road to the camp with lots of yukking it up at Randy's expense. Bob finally had enough (which I think was more guilt than anything else) and told Sugar he was "pissed off at the belittling". But, Daaaaad, it's sooooo fun.

Corrine is mad. She jumps on Sugar too. She and Sugar go at it. Sugar has taking a lot more from worse people at the pole dancing joint. She takes Corrine to task for talking behind people's back. Corrine basically says, that's the game of Survivor. Cut to Corrine, "I'm in a camp of mutants. I'm NICE to people I like". Wow, how big is that pool of humanity?

Oh, the animal shots are back.

Bob and Ken go fishing. With Ken growing a pair for the first time in his life, Bob wants to explain the facts of life to him and tell him to always carry protection. At first I thought he meant condoms but I think he means you should always have a spare immunity idol in your pocket. Kenny tells the camera-"Bob doesn't know how to play Survivor". LOL. You KNOW this is going to bite him on the ass.

Challenge time. Survivors are divided into 2 teams of 3 people. They are tied together and have to go out through a swamp to get...wait for it.... sprocket puzzle pieces. I think Mark Burnett is trying to patent the sprocket, cause Jeff says it like every week. Ok, so they get the pieces, put them together and.......YES!! Raise a flag. Second round has the 3 winners going against each other with yet another puzzle. See, with America becoming so obese, they can no longer have challenges where people actually MOVE THEIR ASSES. Wanna know what you're playing for? Video's from home. Here, take a sample look on this SAMSUNG PHONE. We have Crystal's husband and child, Kenny's sister, Corrine's family and her brother-he must have had his 3rd eye removed as well, Bob's hot wife, Mattie's girlfriend and dog, Sugar's sister and someone for Suzie. I have to admit to a little teary eyes. The didn't show the video porn Jeff's girlfriend Julie sends him daily ON THE SAMSUNG PHONE.

Suzie and Crystal are captains, and everyone but Corrine is chosen. She has no chance of winning the video-oh it comes with pizza and beer. She wah wah wah's about how nobody likes her and she doesn't know why. Maybe it's because YOU ARE BITCH.

Ok, so the get all tied up, and make their way into the swamp, which is really swampy and everyone falls down. Sugar's top falls down and gets all pixilated. Anyway, Crystal, Bob and Sugar's team figures out how to work the sprocket (I am soooo into that word) and they raise their flag first. I'm guessing Kenny was confused because it was 3D and not on a computer screen. Second round is one of those puzzles we had as kids with 8 pieces in a 9 piece square, but bigger. Bob kicks it and wins the prize.

Bob wins reward, which Jeff now says is a Sprint phone. Either Samsung pulled the placement or it is a Samsung phone with Sprint service. Anyway, since Ford is now bankrupt and no cars are gonna be given out, they gotta make up some cash in phone service product placement.

So Bob sits down in the jungle couch (I wonder if, like in my house, he had to move the ass of an animal to sit down) and pours himself a beer. He's got the video of his wife going and she says, "wait, I have something to show you". I think Bob was thinking this was gonna get all porno but instead his wife popped out from behind a tree and surprised him. Bob is so friggin cute, although I swear he is starting to look like Tom Hanks in that movie with the volleyball. Anyway, she tells the camera that "Bob smelled sooo good (ok, she actually said smelt but I think that is a small fish)-like campfire. Yea, campfire, perspiration, 32 days of morning breath and unwashed ass. Hmmm, smells like spring in Iowa.

Bob and she go back to camp and meet everyone. Bob gives a whistle and all the other loved ones come over the hill. Aaahhhh, I'm crying now. Corrine hugs her brother-"he "gets" my sense of humor". Kenny talks strategy with his amazingly normal looking sister. Sugar and her hefty sister sit on the dock and throw some of her dad's ashes into the croc (the animal not the smelly shoes) infested water. Sugar has hobbit feet by the way. I was crying again.

Then, the dramatic music. No, not an animal kill, but Matty hugs and kisses his girlfriend Jamie (and again, I am so thinking of the socks on his teeth) and asks her to marry him. It's all romantic, what with the flies buzzing over head and all. He gives her a...wait for it..... fake immunity necklace as an engagement present. HUH, I was expecting that necklace from the Titanic movie. Like, is this the land of lucky charms and beads or what?? Man! Who knew Gabon was just one big AC Moore store. Fortunately they cut away, because the way the water buffalo looked scared and ran away, that dock was a rocking...if you know what I mean.....

Back to the game. Bob and Corrine talk about wanting to blind side Matty. The other 5 talk about getting rid of Bob. Bob tells Corrine that Marcus didn't really throw that immunity idol in the water, he hid it and Bob has it. She asks if it's real, and he tells her, alas it's not, but they should use that as a story to get some others to blind side Matty, thinking it's not worth voting for Corrine if these two have yet another idol. Yea, I'm thinking, what ahole is gonna fall for that move again??

Immunity Challenge: Gabon Questions, which you get balls for each right one that you subsequently throw at a friggin sheet with circles drawn on it.

1) Gorillas were discovered in Gabon...True. Corrine and Sugar get balls
2) The male elephant is called a bull, what is the female elephant called....a cow. Sugar, Suzie, Corrine and Bob get this
3) The gabonese viper (haha, I thought they meant Corrine) is poisonous but not to humans, true or false...False. Everyone but Suzie and Corrine get this.
4) The elephant trunk serves as it's nose, arm and mouth. False. Kenny, Matty, Sugar, Corrine and Bob get this right.

Balls are thrown. Bob wins immunity. Corrine is all wigged out that their lame ass plan is going to work.

Corrine tells Kenny about the idol. Remember, this was his idol until Matty or Marcus showed it to everyone. Kenny wants to blind side Matty, Bob and Corrine ask him to bring in Crystal. Corrine to the camera- "it just shows the level of incompetence we're dealing with". Corrine wants Matty to go, not Corrine.

Bob talks to Crystal, offers her final 4 if she takes out Matty. Kenny and Crystal rejoice in the jungle with their plan to get Matty out, AND get Corrine to use the idol. They decide to split their votes so Corrine gets 4, Matty gets 3, Corrine pulls out the idol and Matty is gone.

Tribal council. Randy is in a green shirt, not the devil costume I was expecting. Lots of blabbing about trust, when to break with your allegiance, paranoia, blah blah blah. Really Jeff, although you are in that hot hot hot dark blue shirt, and without a baseball cap, enough with the psychology. The votes are cast. Anyone want to play an immunity idol? Slowly Corrine shakes her head. Corrine is voted on to the jury of hell.

Survivor Gabon: Rehash show

In case you were in a turkey coma and missed it, I watched the Survivor reheat show. Some new footage, some stuff from their interview tapes. It's narrated by Jeff, who says "it's a true underdog story" like he's auditioning to play King Lear at the summer stock Shakespeare Festival.

Audition Tapes:

-There's some strange thing with Ace-hole in a suite on a beach.
-Randy's tape shows him sitting in front of an urn with his dead dog's remains. "I've only loved one thing in my life, my dog. Dogs rule, people suck". He's also playing with a knife and what looks like a huge steak, surrounded by pictures of his dog.
-Bob is in his school cafeteria saying how good he would be eating bugs and stuff cause he's eaten crap in the cafeteria for years. Before he finished his sentence, the lunchroom lady cracks him on the head and takes him down. Hilarious.
-Susie says that if chosen, she needs to take her tweezers so she doesn't come home with a beard and mustache. I hear ya 45 year old sister.
-Matty: "I was put on the planet for Survivor".

Hey, I never knew there was a Marcus and Jackie romance that made Corrine mad. Seriously, half of this episode is anger management, which is really what survivor is all about.

New scenes:

-Matty makes everyone stand around the campfire and sing "Jamie's a really good fellow" to celebrate his girlfriend's birthday. Afterwards, he's talking about getting engaged or something and Randy tells him he's never suffered any of the losses Randy has. Like what, Randy? Randy gets all emotional talking about how his dog (a big black dog named Johnson-you do the pop psychology on THAT one) died 5 years ago. He's gonna get another dog when he gets home so he will have someone to tell about his Survivor experience. That should send fear through the animal shelters.

Hey, did anyone ever notice that Bob wears crocs? They have crocs in Iowa?? I wonder if you can smell them all the way across Africa? (Note: anyone looking for a cheap high, go to the croc store in the Limerick outlets and inhale. There are like, 10,000 pairs of crocs in there giving off croc gasses. Seriously, my head hurt in 2 minutes)

Replay of the time Kota won reward and got helicoptered to a picnic. It's hilarious cause it's a "high end picnic" and Corrine is freaking out that no one knows what the food is. "It's a freakin gerkin, for god sake". She goes ballistic cause no one knows what pate is, or proscuitto or blue cheese. Close up: "I'd rather be serving up poison to these people". WOW. I hope her parole officer is watching this.

Answer to my question: Sugar made new clothes out of the rug in the Exile Island hut.

Not sure this is a new scene, but I must have missed the part where Sugar decided to educate Corrine on her negative outlook on life. She's telling Corrine that "everything you say is noted" and you probably don't realize what a friggin bitch you are. Corrine just sits there but later EXPLODES to Randy "I'm not going to take a lesson from a non-college educated out of work waitress who lives on the goodness of people. I hate people who live on the goodness of people" (haha-this is my favorite line cause I could see me ranting this a few years ago when I was a big fat executive). "At the least, I'll be able to control the jury and 'this is how the lesson goes, bitch'". WOW. Did I mention her audition tape has her in a bikini yammering on and on about how she went to the University of Florida (ivy league? I think not) on a full scholarship and finished in 3 years. Cause, probably, they wanted her gone too.

The episode finished up with a replay of the Randy cookie incident and his exit. Just as good the third time around.

Back to the real show Thursday night!

Survivor Week 10

First of all, if you have not watched this episode, run DO NOT WALK over to www.cbs.com and watch it. Seriously, it may be the best episode of survivor ever aired.

Nightfall over on NoBAG, Kenny, Crystal and Sugar are rejoicing in their surprise attack on Charlie, which basically ruins Corrine and Randy's alliance. Come morning and Randy and Corrine are spitting nails. They go for a walk and just keep repeating to each other, "I HATE ALL OF THEM". "Yea, me too, and I don't think we should hide our hatred anymore". "Yea, me too". Then they sit down on logs and nod their heads and bang their cymbals together. They decide their only hope is to work on Leonardo.

Hey, it just occurred to me that the animals must have gone back to the Gabon zoo cause I haven't seen many lately. Must be the smell keeping them away.

Tree mail: Auction time. Each player gets $500. Note: Jeff is wearing a blue shirt and a green baseball cap. Not doing it for me.

First item: Beer and Peanuts. Randy jumps all over this, being an alcoholic. Sugar bids it up knowing how much Randy wants it. Randy wins it and sucks the beer down. Niiiice. Always good to be drunk during a strategic auction.

Item 2 is a mystery item. Kenny and the always hungry Randy bid it up. Randy runs out of money and Kenny gets it. It's a note: send one person to Exile and take their money. Kenny sends Bob back and takes his cash.

Item 3 is a mystery as well. Randy bids again. Sugar steps in at the last minute and bids slightly more than Randy has and gets herself peanut butter and chocolate.

Item 4 is a bath and a clean set of clothes. Unfortunately Bob is off to exile cause this would have been an excellent prize for him. Suzie buys herself a bath and gets in the tub. She doesn't stay in that long, murmurs something about it being too hot but I think Randy was leering at her.

Item 5 is a hamburger and fries, which Leonardo wolfs down.

Item 6 is another mystery. Randy must have smelled alcohol cause he bids for it and wins it. Spaghetti, garlic bread and wine. I didn't see this but I think he threw the food down and just inhaled the wine.

Item 7: a sealed note in a bottle that will give a big advantage. Corrine throws her whole $500 into it cause, "nothing taste as good as $500, unless it's a million dollars". Isn't that the weight watchers slogan??

Item 8: something for the whole tribe for $20. Randy coughs up the $20 first and gets a plate of choc chip cookies. And, therein commences the great Cookie Fight. Randy: "Jeff, if I wanted to I could eat this whole plate" Jeff: "No, you ahole, I just said it's for the whole tribe". Randy offers Sugar a cookie. She demurs. everyone else gets a cookie, Corrine gets one and a half. Randy finally offers the last cookie, "his cookie" to Sugar who takes it and gives it to Leonardo. Randy HATES SUGAR. He sits on a log, nods his head and bangs his cymbals.

Back at camp, Leonardo (I SWEAR acting dumb) thanks Sugar for the cookie, "That was the most righteous gift anyone has ever given me". Man, Christmas must suck at the DiCaprio house. Randy blows himself up and makes sure Leonardo knows that THAT COOKIE CAME FROM HIM, AND HE IS THE COOKIE FAIRY, DAMMIT. Randy, "I left the auction full, broke, half drunk and pissed off. Just the way I like to live my life". He's gonna BURN THIS HOUSE DOWN IN THE NEXT DAY OR SO.

Hold tight, wait till this party's over
Hold tight, we're in for nasty weather

Three hundred sixty five degrees
Burning down the house

Bob goes for the clue again on Exile. It's the same clue so he decides to go on his own safari. Lots of Lion King music during this respite from the evils of hell over on Nobag.

Nobag: everyone wants Randy gone. Leonardo lobbies for Bob instead. Sugar thinks Leo is really playing the game. They all agree on Bob.

Corrine and Randy hatch a plot. Randy decides to crash and burn all day, fight with everyone and make everyone vote for him. How is this a new plan?? They think that since Bob definitely is out finding the idol, the tribe will all vote for Randy, Corrine, Randy and Bob will vote for Susie, Randy pulls the idol out and Susie is gone.

Randy: "Leo, you've whored yourself out to these people". Everyone is disgusted with him and want him off. Randy is "happy with where he's sitting".

Immunity challenge: balance beam race carrying 3 bags of puzzle pieces. Enough with the damn puzzle pieces. Corrine gets to skip right to the puzzle. Arrange the puzzle blocks like dominoes and set them off. They have to go to the end and raise a flag. Leo, Kenny and Corrine in the final part. Kenny sets his blocks up from the flag end back, not the other way around. Hey, you don't think an Asian gamer is going to lose this one, do you?? This gets all bogged down and boring, but at the end of the day Kenny wins immunity.

Bob goes into the jungle with Sugar. He tells her he doesn't have the idol. She tells Bob he can vote whoever he wants but he should vote for Randy. But I have another plan.... I think there is a real Sugar/Bob alliance here that people are overlooking. Bob is just the kind of guy to fall for a pole dancer and leave his wife and children out in Iowa somewhere. Sugar tells Bob that she thinks Randy would fall for the idol. Man, Bob without his shirt on looks like a science model for the circulatory system. All veins and arteries. Ugh. Sugar on the other hand is getting fat from all the snickers bars the crew is sneaking her for lap dances. Corrine meets up with Bob out in the wild, says, " I assume you found the idol" Bob kinda nods. She goes on in rapid fire saying "the best thing to do is to give it to Randy". Bob's in the biker shorts again. He agrees, she tells him she loves him but in a "love ya, mean it" kind of way.

Bob shows Randy the idol. Um, where did he get the resin beads for the idol? Michaels?? Randy acts all cool, which is a surprise since I expected him to lunge across the hut and kill Bob for the idol. "It's your call, Bob". "Well, since you are a total a-hole and have pissed everyone off, maybe I should give it to you" " I love what you're thinking, man". This is like bad porn dialog, isn't it??

What the F is with Randy's buff head? Seriously, he has the most misshapen head. Must be the evil building up on top of his skull. God I hope his family is on the reunion show. It's like the coneheads go on reality TV. I expect a mean Jane Curtain to be his mom.

Randy unwraps the idol. "Looks like an immunity idol to me". Sugar tells Kenny and hostile looking Crystal, "tonight is going to be the funkiest night of your life. Wait for it".

Tribal. Jeff brings up the cookie incident. Randy is still pissed she took "his" cookie. Jeff is really laying it on thick. Susie, why is the cookie incident so significant? Susie " I feel sorry for Randy". Randy gets pissed again. Jeff: Corrine sounds like Randy went off. Crystal, is the tension ramping up? hahah HELL YES. Any chance Randy is playing the game? LOTS of arrogant smarmy shots of Randy looking like an evil Smurf. Randy, are you worried tonight? " 30 days is pretty good but I want to stay"

Time to vote. Everyone whispers about what a loser alcoholic bigot Randy is as they vote. Crystal does it in full voice so that everyone can hear her. Even the jury cracks up.

"If anyone has the immunity idol and wants to play it, now would be the time to do so" "Well, Jeff, I happen to have a nice piece of happiness in my pocket." Corrine looks smug. Everyone else who knows Sugar has it is dying. "The rules state that if an idol is played, that person is immune. This.....is.......not.....an.....immunity idol...... Randy's head practically swivels off. Corrine just stares at Bob. Everyone else is dying.

THE KING OF GABON IS DEAD.

Survivor Week 9

At the end of last week, Marcus had been blindsided. Kenny realizes he has power on this team, having orchestrated the last couple of surprise hits. You can almost see him growing a pair as the show progresses. Bob says, in his camera closeup, "if we don't merge, I'm history. Even though I teach science. Get it?? yuk yuk"

Day 25-another day in Fang paradise with no rice and no fire. I wonder if Crystal dropped the rice on the fire and put it out??

Tree mail (early in the show I think...): A golf flag and a slingshot. Say it with me, "hey, it's probably going to be slingshot golf". Walking to the challenge, Corrine says, "I just want to see Marcus..." da da da dum. Batten down the hatches, hurricane Corrine's about to blow. In walks the Kota tribe and the Jeffster remarks, "say hi to the new Marcus-lite Kota tribe". Corrine is pissed, says, "he didn't deserve it". Which makes people wake up and say, "wait, nobody deserves it", which Corrine thinks is purely bullshit since there's still a 47 year old woman WITH NOTHING ON HER left.

The challenge is indeed slingshot golf. 3 holes, teams use a slingshot to shoot the ball into the big hole. Wanna know what you're playing for? FINALLY!!!!! The gabonese screen actors guild was able to come up with some authentic gaboners in authentic gaboner garb, and the winners get to eat, dance and, wait-did Jeff say they also get to sleep with the gaboners??? HOLY CRAP, what a hell of a reward. Um, Jeff, any chance it also comes with condoms?? Ok, the challenge. Corrine sits out again. How come the 47 year old woman is always in the challenges but Corrine always sits out??

I was gonna go hole by hole, shot by shot, but that's too boring. It all comes down to the final shot on the final hole, with Fang up with Randy and Charlie holding the slingshot and Leonardo di Caprio (aka Matty-try to keep up people) shooting. They are about an inch outside the hole, and Randy decides to offer up an endless stream of assistance to Leonardo, which is totally friggin annoying. Leo finally just drops the ball into the hole and Fang wins immunity. Randy is still arguing about how to do it about 5 minutes after the end. Shot to Randy: " I hate Matty (he hasn't noticed he looks like Leonardo yet)". Bob gets sent to Exile.

Over at the authentic gabon village (brought to you by Scotts Miracle Village Grow), the authentic gaboners start by giving the fangers a bath. It wasn't part of the original reward but these dudes stink. Afterwards they are all decked out in gaboner clothing and are led to the table. One little girl holds Corrine's hand and Corrine states, "I can't imagine why she chose me-most kids scream 'she's a witch' and run away". Corrine, Randy and Charlie cry about losing Marcus. After dinner, it's on to the dancing. Sugar is like, "where do y'all keep the pole?" Randy thinks that one of the girls is hitting on him, which is a first in 20 years. The big scarlet KP he's required by law to wear on his forehead usually scares them away. KP=kiddie porn, in case you haven't been reading my summaries...

On Kota, Ken has the boat stuck on a piece of wood and he is paddling around and around in circles. LOL. Metaphoric? He finally gets himself out of the jam and returns to camp with fish. He's all proud of himself and thinks he has the game figured out. He is however wondering when the spaceships are going to start shooting down from above, and how to jump to the next level.

Bob is on exile. Hey, can I just say he looks kind of hot in his swimtrunks? They're kind of tight, not jams. He searches for the idol, and I'm hoping there really was a second one. But, alas, he figures Sugar already has one so he whittles himself a fake one. " “It’s sort of like when you’re holding up a bank. You don’t necessarily need a gun, but if they think you’ve got a gun, they might leave you alone.” Yea, and you get to escape the "armed robbery" charge.
Back to the camps, tree mail: "be the best firestarter you can be". Randy goes off on Crystal, calls her a sasquash (was that racist??), he hates her. Yea, her and everyone else dude. He laughs and laughs about how she can't start a fire for shit.

They get to the challenge and Jeff tells them this is for individual immunity and that they are now merged. They get blue buffs. They each get flint, steel and firemaking stuff. Gotta make a fire and burn through a string. No need to really describe this challenge cause we've seen it before. Susie is the first to get flames. She gets it going before Sugar also gets fire. NOBODY ELSE GETS A SPARK. Swagger dick Randy? All talk, no spark. Susie wins immunity relatively easily.

Back at the new Fang, there's rice, beans, coffee and other stuff. Everyone eats and then darts into the woods to start strategizing. Randy wants Crystal gone. It's basically 4-4 with Sugar as the tie breaker. Everyone works Sugar over. Sugar tells Corrine she hates Randy. Corrine says, let's get rid of Crystal first them we can get rid of Randy next. Corrine tries to be all sympathetic. Afterwards, “Sugar is so weak and naïve and gullible. I’ve been nasty to her for twenty-five days. I was nice to her one day and she’s sold. So it doesn’t make sense that she buys it ‘cause she’s such a moron.” God I hate Corrine. Crystal, Kenny, Leo and Susie want Charlie gone. Kenny is still mad about that idol he found the clue for at the last feast and Charlie shared it with everyone.

Oh, they decide to call the tribe NOBAG. Man, I could do so much with this.

Tribal: Dr. Jeff asks his probing questions. Randy cracks me up by saying, that, at the reward challenge, if everyone would have listened to his suggestions, Fang would have made each shot ten times out of ten. Dude, that long lasting OCD patch is wearing out. Crystal jumps on him and the 2 go at it. Randy says he is still mad at the way she and GC ran the original Fang tribe. Now, frankly, this is so racist I can't believe they are allowing it. Seriously, he compares the way they ran Fang like a posse and a gang. Jeff: Charlie, are the vocal people idiots? Hell yes, Jeff. Charlie even castigates Randy to stop and think before he talks. Jeff: Sugar, is there any drawback to being away having sex with me on Exile so much? Sugar, "well, aside from the bad sex, Jeff, I don't like to talk crap about people". They vote. Jeff reads the votes. Randy uses initials which totally pisses Jeff off (plus, he's tweaked about that lousy sex comment). Sugar goes along with the underdogs and votes Charlie off.

Survivor Gabon, Week 8

So, I'm flying solo today with only my scribbled notes to guide me. CBS.com doesn't have the recap on it so I have to try to remember what the heck I was writing about. Which is OK, since half of you probably have already forgotten what went down in Gabon last week.

Day 22 and still no LIVE AUTHENTIC GABONERS. What's up with that?

Over at Kota, Randy is mad at Susie cause she laughed at Randy's comment about Dan going. Randy has anger management issues. Corrine and Susie continue their fight, especially since Susie told Jeff at tribal that Corrine was a lazy ass. Cut to the close up of Corrine" "What could a 47 year old possibly have over me". OOOOOOOH. Them's fighting words from this 46 year old.

Over on Fang, Matty's unhappy about Ace (cause I think their engagement is now over), and worried about trusting Crystal. All are hoping for a merge.

Back to Kota: and more of Corrine bitching. Calls herself "extremely vindictive". Really? Gosh, you hide it so well. I just love when people like this come on this game and then get all whacked out when people ACTUALLY PLAY THE GAME.

Tree mail: "brand new tribe" and a beach party. Could this be the awaited merge or another mind game?

The two tribes assemble for a big old feast. Lots of food and apparently LOTS of drink. There's a box that says, "don't open until you are totally done scarfing down the food". So, they proceed to scarf away. Kenny see a note under the box that has the words immunity clue on it and tries to be all cool about it. Charlie shares it with everyone. In what can only be drunken bravado, they all decide they don't need no stinking immunity idol and "set it adrift". Randy digs it up ("I knew when I saw that strange tree on the beach that it had an immunity idol buried under it") and they talk about it being "the apple in eden". Repeat this phrase about 10 times and you will know how ridiculous this part is.

Randy is hammered. I always think this is a good move on Survivor. Get totally hammered and then be all hung over at the next challenge. Randy is laying on the beach in his dreamed about if only they'd ask Playgirl position, wine glass in hand (and, dude, were they drinking friggin white zinfandel??? ) proclaiming himself King of Gabon. LOL. That is going to come as a big shock to the Gaboners.

Ok, so they open the magic box. It has 2 parts. One is a bag of numbered stones. The other part is a bag of new buffs and they are divided into new tribes. DAMN. Fang is now Randy, Charlie, Corrine, Sugar and Matty; Kota is now Bob, Marcus, Susie, Kenny and Crystal. Lots of endless discussion of how there are 3 of the old Kota alliance on each tribe.

So, back at camp, Marcus finds out that one of his good friends is Crystal's cousin and they do a little bonding. Had this been on abc, you would have heard "it's a small world" played in the background. Marcus now likes Crystal, cause she can't be all bad and be related to his friend. He's not sure he can vote her off now. Crystal has no problem with it.

On Fang, Corrine wants Matty out (i forget why). Anyone else notice that Matty is a friggin dead ringer for Leonardo DiCaprio? In fact, I'm going to start calling him Leonardo from now on. Charlie doesn't trust Randy. Leonardo (aka Matty-you following?) tells Sugar that Kenny and Crystal duped her into thinking Ace didn't have her best interests in hand and that Ace would have never gotten rid of her. Frankly, this is English wonk shit, but Sugar buys it and gets all teary eyed.

Susie is now in the power position. She wants top 3 and asks Marcus to promise her that. Marcus has a hard time with that since he has her at about top 6.

Tree mail. This next challenge is sponsored by Viagra. Vivaaaaaaaaa Viagra. The challenge is called "keep it up" (GET IT, HUH HUH??). Survivors have to hold their hands out palm down and have a pole on each hand that goes up to a platform. They have to stand that way until the last person is out. This apparently really hard cause Crystal, the OLYMPIAN, lasts 1 second. Sugar lasts 10. Susie, Randy and Corrine go out next. It comes down to Leonardo and Bob. Leonardo is being a total smart ass and the Probster is trying to warn him not to screw around. Lots of images of Leonardo's poles getting PERILOUSLY close to the edge of the platform. Bob shifts once and his poles fall. Leonardo and Fang win immunity!!

Kota has to go to tribal. Swagger dick that he is, Randy shoots his mouth off that he doesn't really care that they won immunity.

At Kota, Crystal works on Susie to get rid of Marcus. Susie tells her Marcus promised her final 3. Say what? Are you a crazy white lady or something? He can't deliver final 3.

Tribal. Probst begins by asking Crystal what it’s like for her and Ken to spend time with Kota. She says Kota camp is like corporate espionage – you wear the suit but don’t know what’s going on in people’s heads. But at Fang, it’s the projects. Kenny makes a plea. I guess he was the other one on the chopping block. Bob: "tonight's vote is a clear cut decision". Time to vote. Apparently Susie believed Crystal 'cause Marcus or Marc-ACE as Kenny writes it, is the next survivor to go.

Head on back to camp.

Amazing Race Week 5

Thank you, cbs.com for putting the entire episode online this year and saving my ass, since my VCR crapped out on me. This summary is being done in real time as I watch.

Where did we leave the race? Oh yeah, New Zealand with the Cheaters in first and Starr nursing an injured arm. Teams have to fly to Cambodia and find a gas pumping place for their next clue.

At the Auckland airport there's a "Flight Centre" area where you can apparently check on all flights. Not sure if this really exists or if it's something Travelocity put in just for the show. Cheaters find out there are only 2 flights available, the first at 12:25 pm to Singapore. "Oooh, Terence and Sarah might not make it". Cut to Terence and Sarah driving down the highway and getting pulled over for doing 117 in a 100 zone. Sarah: "Damn, that surprises me 'cause I always thought you drove like a little old woman". T/S get to the airport and are able to make the INTERNATIONAL FLIGHT with only minutes to spare. Huh. How is that even possible and, is it me, or is there no security checkpoints OR OTHER TRAVELERS in Auckland??

Nick and Starr leave the pitt. Starr's arm is amazingly healed. Andrew and Dan leave the pitt "Where the hell is Cambodia??"

Next flight leaves at 4:55 pm. Trouble in the Flight Center as Kelly and Christy mock Dallas's hair, now calling him Teen Wolf. Man, I know I went to high school with these bitches' mothers. These 2 teams plus Nick and Starr get on the second flight. Andrew and Dan are trying to book it, Dan is dancing around all happy when they agent tells him it's doubtful. Hey, where were these oh so friggin helpful ticket agents, calling the gate and stuff, when I used to travel?? Clearly we are not using American Airlines for this leg of the race. No chance of getting on today's flights. Meanwhile, Aja and Ty are still driving to the airport.

Commercial break

Once we're back, Andrew and Dan manage to ask the ticket agent (and, again, there are no friggin people in this airport) at Emirates Airlines and lo and behold, they do make the flight. I wonder if Emirates flies to Seattle??

The second flight catches up with the first in Singapore. Aja and Ty use their time arguing about why Aja has to ask for a kiss. Well, if you have to ask...

Taxi race to wing wang road (or something like that). Kelly and Christy's driver takes them to a gas station, where they run around yelling "Clue Box" and someone points them to the restroom. So, next time you are in Cambodia and have to pee, just start yelling "Clue Box". Once at the gas station, teams have to chose a truck and use possibly the most unsafe method I have ever friggin seen to fill the gas tanks with 25 gallons of diesel. Seriously, this is whack. I think it might be safer to suck the gas up the tube with your mouth and then fill the tank.

Nick and Starr get there first and finish first, Kelly and Christie are touring all of the gas stations in Cambodia. Teams now have to go to ying yang something or other, which is SE Asia's biggest lake (haha, like we all didn't already know that!) and take some crappy looking boat to a floating restaurant.

Andrew and Dan, of course can't get their thingy to pump. Don't know why cause it looks like a damn big old keg. Ken: "dudes, it's just like pulling down the zipper and letting it fly". And, now we know why he's called the Cheater. Toni and Dallas done, Cheaters are done, Terence and Sarah done.

Aja and Ty just now arrive in Cambodia, which seems really fast to me.

Kelly and Christie, done. Frats still scratching their asses. Dan gets it going finally.

Big boat race to the restaurant, following a big flat bed truck race to the boats. Cheaters keep getting passed. Aja and Ty seem to be catching up but who knows with the editing. Ah, finally, time out for the "wow these people are living in poverty" speech, this one by Kelly/Christie. I mean, there's not even a Nordstroms for miles. God, I hope they don't have to eat anything here. Terence and Sarah's boat breaks down right near the restaurant. Terence rows. Hey, Sarah, get your fat ass back and row.

Detour: Village life or Village Work. Village life-teams have to pick up 3 items. For some reason, a pair of joke teeth from the dentist, a doll from the tailor and a basketball, which each member has to shoot into a basket. Here I thought Village life was hard! in Village work, teams wade in the muddy water to a fishing area, search among the traps for a trap with fish in it and transfer the fist into baskets back at the dock. Um, I think it's a no brainer myself.

For some reason only the cheaters do the life thing, Nick/Starr and Toni/Dallas do the work thing which is looking harder. Can I just say again, that Toni is so under the radar but so tough. Terence and Sarah do life since they stumble upon the basketball court. Kelly and Christie come upon the basketball court and see the Cheaters so they decide to start throwing baskets. "Wait, do we need to find, like a clue box or something Kelly?" Frat boys do the fishing thing. This should be good.

After the detour, teams have to go to Ankhor something and find some temple. Roadblock (big shock there). One member has to search the grounds for a room called the echo chamber and thump their chests to make the echo. Nick gets it first, and it's on to the pitt. Nick lies to Mrs. Cheater on the way out in the most religious site in Cambodia. Niiiiice. Cheater woman walks in and out of the chamber, like twice. How the heck did she catch her husband cheating if she's so blind?? She finally finds the clue (did she thump her chest??) and then can't find her way out.

Team # 1-Nick and Starr. They win a trip to St. John, USVI.

Frats arrive at the temple. "Oh, look at that, it's the original Playboy Mansion".

It comes down to a race between the frats and Aja and Ty through some other temple, and Aja and Ty are the last team to arrive and are eliminated. Phil, playing Dr. Phil, asks, "so what's next? Do you hate each other?" No, Ty is moving to be with Aja. Awwwwwww. I give it 3 months.