Ok, first off, I have to say that I am already disappointed in this season. Seriously, I was all hepped up expecting Survivor SOMALIA, and the excellent opportunities for the teams to camp in bombed out buildings, dodge bullets, win flak jackets in the reward challenges and, generally, ACTUALLY HAVE TO SURVIVE SOMETHING. But, alas, it's just another season of pretending they are all miserable to be on a gorgeous tropical island. YAWN.
Now, onto the good stuff. Holy crap, was it me or was that the most sexually explicit opening in Survivor history?? Seriously, Jeff standing in his eye-matching-baby blue shirt, as the waves POUNDED in the surf, and spewed huge quantities of water into the air with the sheer forcefulness of the rocking waves. MAN O'FRICKEN MAN. Seriously, I have watched that portion like, 5 times already. Man, gimme more of that Probst Porn every week.
So, the tribes are already divided and, apparently some had advanced notice cause the purple tribe had on purple and the yellow tribe had on yellow. Hmmmmm.
The 2 tribes have to chose leaders without knowing anything about each other. Foa Foa chooses Mick as their leader. Galu chooses the Good Russell. We also learn that the mullet chick likes to be called Shambo. Cause, she's as friggin fat as shamu but can kick you in the balls like Rambo. Screw that, I'm gonna call her Shamwow.
Challenge: The 2 team leaders have to make some choices. They each need to pick the best swimmer, the strongest, the most agile and the smartest.
Mick chooses Jaison as his best swimmer, followed by this long boring discussion of whether or not black dudes can swim. WTF? Cause, what, they are all from the inner city and have only swum in uncapped fire hydrants? He chooses Evil Russell as the strongest.
Ok. I gotta start this thing. Evil Russell is quite possibly my favorite person on this season. Seriously, he looks like a little fat sausage man, and is just plain evil. In his first "cameo", he discusses his plan to "make things as miserable as possible for people". Clearly that includes wearing the most disgusting pair of revealing gray underpants for most of the episode. But, more on that later...
For the most Agile, Mick chooses Marissa, who is quite attractive even if she did chose to wear a headband from her my little pony collection. For the smartest....damn, who would guess he'd go with the Asian in the white lawyer suit.
Good Russell chooses John as his swimmer, Erik as his brawns, Yasmin as most agile (cause you know thin black women are cat-like), and for smartest he goes for the obvious choice to go up against an Asian.....Mullet-wearing Shamwow. Um. Yea. She has to tell us right off the bat that she ain't got no book smarts. Or, apparently, cosmetic smarts.
Wanna know what you're playing for? I dunno, Jeff, is it gonna be maybe, FIRE??? And, is it gonna be in the form of FLINT??
So, we find out the skinny black dude is actually a WATER POLO PLAYER, at an obviously ivy league school, which cracks me up. He kicks some serious water ass. John, his co-swimmer gets his ass kicked and then has to lay on the mat and recover. Sausage man kicks his task of carrying a bunch of logs. Marissa takes off the pony headband and takes on the balance beam, until the cat-like Yasmin gets it done. It all comes down to the Asian and the Mullet who have to.....wait for it..... PUT A FRIGGIN PUZZLE TOGETHER. Argh. So, Shamwow is working it but the Asian (Liz) just looks at it and the pieces fall together. F2 wins fire.
Now onto camp. Over on F2, Ben announces he's the hillbilly and knows all about how to set up a camp. He knows where to build the latrine, so he gets everybody going to work. Which leaves sausage man to form his Dumb-Ass Alliance. According to him, he recruits the the dumb short haired blonde (Ashley) , the dumb long haired blonde (Kelly) and the dumb dark haired chick (Marissa). He also adds in the "old lady", Betsy. She's obviously too smart for him cause she doesn't trust him.
Over on Galu, Good Russell takes charge and gets things going. John, the rocket scientist, shows that he is one of the most annoying overthinkers on the history of the show. "We need to also consider the wind direction, and the rain, and inventory our actions". ahahahhahahah. And, now we know why NASA wastes so much friggin money each year. So, a little bit of camp gets built, Shamwow starts showing her "I'm military, I can't stand these kids" attitude, and everyone goes for a swim BUT Shamwow. Yea, cause, see, making yourself seem 1) mean and nasty, 2) not a part of the group, and 3) basically an outsider on day one is always a good thing. I mean, c'mom, everyone who watched Survivor knows that the big decisions are always make in waste deep water, while people are taking a whiz and rinsing the shit out of their butt cracks.
Nighttime over on F2. Time for a bedtime story, so sausage man tells his harem about being a fireman in New Orleans and surviving hurricane Katrina by sitting on his roof while his beloved dog dies. All lies. Johnny Fairplay strategy is in full motion. My Little Pony girl starts to wonder about him.
Evil Russell gets up in the middle of the night and dumps out all the canteens, burns Jaison's socks and basically sabotages his own tribe to get them at each other's throats. Oh, did I mention he is in reality an Oil Company Executive? Drill baby drill.
Immunity Challenge: 6 of each team have to run over a series of A-frames carrying rope. Once they make it to a platform, they have to use the rope to drag a crate up onto the platform, open the crate to reveal.....PUZZLE PIECES. This was pretty boring, so let me just skip to the end where Shamwow leads her team to puzzle victory over the team led by the Asian. Woohoo. Galu wins immunity, and has to start chanting "Galu is in the house" which is just so damn annoying.
F2 has to eliminate someone. "The weakest should go". It's pretty much Ashley, the dumb short haired blonde who is a spa salesperson. Sausage man is running around taking to everyone, and Marissa calls him on it. Tells him she's 'worried about him". He throws a hissy fit, revealing to me at least that he isn't long for this game, and he goes around telling everyone My Little Pony THREATENED him.
Tribal council is just....really boring. Ashley is an idiot, tells everyone she 'works out tons at home" LOL. Marissa and sausage get into it. End of the day, My Little Pony is voted off, which makes me quite sad cause I was getting into the nickname. ah well.
Foa Foa
Ben Nancy D
Jaison Kim
Mick Wendy
Russell H Donna
Mike Karen and John
Marisa Ginnie
Elizabeth Leslie
Betsy Becky and Mary
Natalie Carolyn
Ashley Tess
Galu
Brett Pam
Dave Amy
Erik Terri
John Joanne
Kelly Kevin and Matt
Laura Kelly
Monica Stacey
Russell S Lori
Shamwow Jeff and Eileen
Yasmin Elayne
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Survivor Brazil Week 9
Yo, welcome to another edition of Coach: Cock of the Walk. But, before I delve into another episode of fun, intrigue and friggin puzzles, did everyone see the report that Coach has been relieved of him coaching job because he lied about going on Survivor? Told the team he had to go into the hospital for 2 MONTHS for cancer testing. LOL. Guess he already knew there was no chance in HELL anyone on the team would want to visit or send flowers.
OK, so when we left Brandon was voted off cause the jalapeno alliance decided to go along with Coach. Sierra is now alone without her 2 person alliance, and without the immunity idol. Hmmm, didn't she have an alliance with Stephen and Taj as well? Guess not.
Sierra talks to Coach, as one does when in the presence of greatness. "Sierra, you make bad decisions in life. You pitted yourself against me. You deserve to go home." Wow. Let's judge her whole life based upon an alliance on a game show!
Coach is doing the dragon slayer bullshit. "I got rid of the stronger, younger and, let's face it WAY better looking competitor. Although, not sure about strongest cause, we were talking last week? About, like, being strong and stuff? It was right after we whipped out our peckers and measured them-you'll notice I didn't call myself better endowed-anyway, I said I could bench press 300 lbs and Brandon was all, WOW, I can't. Anyway, YYYYYEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Oh, that was an Amazonian primal yell that means, I am the dragon slayer, and victory is already mine".
Sierra continues the pity tour. Talks to Tyson. Ok, he's an ugly ass psychopath. He thinks it's funny. "She's of no worth. I guess her parents love her but her boyfriend must be a loser".
Reward Challenge: 2 teams, have to run out into the jungle, and CRAPPPPPPPPPPPP, untie 4 big swiss cheese puzzle pieces,carry them back and each one in the right puzzle stand. Then, you have to line up the swiss cheese holes so you can read a bunch of vowels that you use with letters to solve the daily word power. C'mon, this is the best we can do?????????????????? Wanna know what you are playing for? Food and some strange ass martial arts-ballet thing that Coach pretends he's all familiar with.
Red team is Tyson, Erinn, JT and Debbie. Black is Coach, Sierra, Stephen and Taj. I'll skip the boredom. The red team obliterates the black team. It's not even close.
Jeff: "Coach, you continue to lose out on these reward challenges, which is surprising with all of your life experiences".
Coach "Well, Jeff, I didn't have to move puzzle boards in the Amazon". Oh, SNAP.
Stephen is sent back to exile in case there is a re-hidden idol.
Reward: Food and local dancing. Apparently the natives speak English. They eat like pigs. I saw corn, what looked like quesadillas, corn bread and WTF?? Brownies? Isn't this the second week of Duncan Hines? (Well, Duncan Hiney's if you include the Charmin challenge). Debbie is all into the kids cause she's a principle in case you missed that. After gorging themselves, Survivors are brought up to "dance" with the "natives" which includes Debbie doing a couple back flips, Tyson doing a cartwheel and Erinn kicking real high. This makes Erinn barf in the woods.
Exile: No new idol.
Back at camp, Sierra tries to talk to Debbie in front of Erinn and Coach. They treat her like a puppy that shit on the rug. Debbie is all, "you made your bed, we all have to live with the choices we make in life". Why do I think these platitudes are going to come back and bite Debbie and Coach in the ass? Erinn gets a few jabs in as well. But, in her one on one camera time, she admits that Sierra is right but Erinn wants Sierra out so she can "turn the game on it's head". LOL. As if.
Sierra works on Coach again. He acts like, poor little thing, I'd like to give you a second chance. It's kind of boring.
Immunity Challenge: It's cold and rainy. Everyone is in bathing suits shivering. Except Jeff. He is in a lovely periwinkle blue safari shirt, and he has the HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT wet shower hair. Uhuh. And, OMG, he has a little tuft of wet hair sticking just slightly peeking out of her shirt.
Ok, I'm not even sure I can type this part. I really really don't want to. Wait, let me slam back a shot of whisky...................................................... Ok. Today's Immunity challenge is.......Shuffleboard. I kid you not. A new LOW in Survivor history. Oh, but there's a catch. If you want to sit it out, you can do that and eat pizza instead. Stephen, JT and Coach sit out and eat pizza. Tyson is not happy with Coach for taking the easy way out.
Shuffleboard. It's boring. It's not even real shuffleboard. It's like the kind you find in a cocktail lounge in Florida. The kind of place old retired people in hats, Hawaiian shirts and black socks with sandals hang out. Also, the little mini board is full of water. Anyway. It's just a bad holiday nightmare. Tyson manages to get 2 chips near the star, and Sierra knocks them both out putting herself in play. She does a little dance which pisses Coach and Tyson off. Debbie is the only one left with a shot. She knocks Sierra off and wins immunity.
Jeff puts the necklace on her and then, BASTARD, keeps his arm around her shoulder for too long, in my opinion. TRAMP.
Back at camp, Tyson, Debbie and Coach huddle around the fire and complain about Sierra. In the tent, Stephen, Erinn and Taj hatch a plot to get rid of Tyson while he doesn't have immunity. Stephen talks to JT about it. JT isn't sure he wants to show his hand this early. Coach talks to JT: "I want to to into the finals with the 5 warrior alliance"JT:" You can trust me"
Tribal Council: Time for Probsting
Oh, in case I forget, Coach turns up at tribal with a feather in his hear and another in his little pony tail.
Tyson: " I'm totally comfortable tonight Jeff"
Jeff: "Sierra, do you think people are being nice to you and telling you it's your time so you'll be nice to them on the jury?"
Sierra: "Well, Jeff, blahblahblah"
Tyson: "Nobody knows what you are talking about you idiot" "I never felt a bond with her" "I gave her 5 minutes and now I'm done with her"
Sierra:" frankly, I'd vote for Tyson cause he's the strong one and will probably win all of the challenges"Jeff: "Coach: I Tyson a threat?"
Coach: "Well, Jeff, I want to walk the path of a noble warrior and go into the final battle with only the strongest. I want to win an honorable battle "
Jeff: "Hmmmm, so, is that why you got rid of Brandon, the strongest player last week??"
Coach:"Um, haha, um, I'm a ravenous wolf"
Me: "What the fuck are you talking about you crazy ass loon with feathers in your pony tail???"
Time to vote and count the votes:
Sierra gets 3 votes, Tyson gets 4. WTF????????????????????? Hey, what's that smell? That's the smell of the Smug-Birdman-Dragon-Slayer crapping himself.
Forza
Coach: Leslie
Debbie: Elayne
Sierra: Donna
Errin.Carolyn
JT: Stacey
Taj: Kelly
Stephen: Mary and Becky
Off to Carnival
Carolina: Terri
Candace: Matt and Kevin
Jerry: Karen and John
Sandy: Jeff and Eileen
Spencer: Joanne
Sydney: Ginnie
Joe: Kim
Brendan: Amy and Maureen
Tyson: Tess and Susan
OK, so when we left Brandon was voted off cause the jalapeno alliance decided to go along with Coach. Sierra is now alone without her 2 person alliance, and without the immunity idol. Hmmm, didn't she have an alliance with Stephen and Taj as well? Guess not.
Sierra talks to Coach, as one does when in the presence of greatness. "Sierra, you make bad decisions in life. You pitted yourself against me. You deserve to go home." Wow. Let's judge her whole life based upon an alliance on a game show!
Coach is doing the dragon slayer bullshit. "I got rid of the stronger, younger and, let's face it WAY better looking competitor. Although, not sure about strongest cause, we were talking last week? About, like, being strong and stuff? It was right after we whipped out our peckers and measured them-you'll notice I didn't call myself better endowed-anyway, I said I could bench press 300 lbs and Brandon was all, WOW, I can't. Anyway, YYYYYEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Oh, that was an Amazonian primal yell that means, I am the dragon slayer, and victory is already mine".
Sierra continues the pity tour. Talks to Tyson. Ok, he's an ugly ass psychopath. He thinks it's funny. "She's of no worth. I guess her parents love her but her boyfriend must be a loser".
Reward Challenge: 2 teams, have to run out into the jungle, and CRAPPPPPPPPPPPP, untie 4 big swiss cheese puzzle pieces,carry them back and each one in the right puzzle stand. Then, you have to line up the swiss cheese holes so you can read a bunch of vowels that you use with letters to solve the daily word power. C'mon, this is the best we can do?????????????????? Wanna know what you are playing for? Food and some strange ass martial arts-ballet thing that Coach pretends he's all familiar with.
Red team is Tyson, Erinn, JT and Debbie. Black is Coach, Sierra, Stephen and Taj. I'll skip the boredom. The red team obliterates the black team. It's not even close.
Jeff: "Coach, you continue to lose out on these reward challenges, which is surprising with all of your life experiences".
Coach "Well, Jeff, I didn't have to move puzzle boards in the Amazon". Oh, SNAP.
Stephen is sent back to exile in case there is a re-hidden idol.
Reward: Food and local dancing. Apparently the natives speak English. They eat like pigs. I saw corn, what looked like quesadillas, corn bread and WTF?? Brownies? Isn't this the second week of Duncan Hines? (Well, Duncan Hiney's if you include the Charmin challenge). Debbie is all into the kids cause she's a principle in case you missed that. After gorging themselves, Survivors are brought up to "dance" with the "natives" which includes Debbie doing a couple back flips, Tyson doing a cartwheel and Erinn kicking real high. This makes Erinn barf in the woods.
Exile: No new idol.
Back at camp, Sierra tries to talk to Debbie in front of Erinn and Coach. They treat her like a puppy that shit on the rug. Debbie is all, "you made your bed, we all have to live with the choices we make in life". Why do I think these platitudes are going to come back and bite Debbie and Coach in the ass? Erinn gets a few jabs in as well. But, in her one on one camera time, she admits that Sierra is right but Erinn wants Sierra out so she can "turn the game on it's head". LOL. As if.
Sierra works on Coach again. He acts like, poor little thing, I'd like to give you a second chance. It's kind of boring.
Immunity Challenge: It's cold and rainy. Everyone is in bathing suits shivering. Except Jeff. He is in a lovely periwinkle blue safari shirt, and he has the HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT wet shower hair. Uhuh. And, OMG, he has a little tuft of wet hair sticking just slightly peeking out of her shirt.
Ok, I'm not even sure I can type this part. I really really don't want to. Wait, let me slam back a shot of whisky...................................................... Ok. Today's Immunity challenge is.......Shuffleboard. I kid you not. A new LOW in Survivor history. Oh, but there's a catch. If you want to sit it out, you can do that and eat pizza instead. Stephen, JT and Coach sit out and eat pizza. Tyson is not happy with Coach for taking the easy way out.
Shuffleboard. It's boring. It's not even real shuffleboard. It's like the kind you find in a cocktail lounge in Florida. The kind of place old retired people in hats, Hawaiian shirts and black socks with sandals hang out. Also, the little mini board is full of water. Anyway. It's just a bad holiday nightmare. Tyson manages to get 2 chips near the star, and Sierra knocks them both out putting herself in play. She does a little dance which pisses Coach and Tyson off. Debbie is the only one left with a shot. She knocks Sierra off and wins immunity.
Jeff puts the necklace on her and then, BASTARD, keeps his arm around her shoulder for too long, in my opinion. TRAMP.
Back at camp, Tyson, Debbie and Coach huddle around the fire and complain about Sierra. In the tent, Stephen, Erinn and Taj hatch a plot to get rid of Tyson while he doesn't have immunity. Stephen talks to JT about it. JT isn't sure he wants to show his hand this early. Coach talks to JT: "I want to to into the finals with the 5 warrior alliance"JT:" You can trust me"
Tribal Council: Time for Probsting
Oh, in case I forget, Coach turns up at tribal with a feather in his hear and another in his little pony tail.
Tyson: " I'm totally comfortable tonight Jeff"
Jeff: "Sierra, do you think people are being nice to you and telling you it's your time so you'll be nice to them on the jury?"
Sierra: "Well, Jeff, blahblahblah"
Tyson: "Nobody knows what you are talking about you idiot" "I never felt a bond with her" "I gave her 5 minutes and now I'm done with her"
Sierra:" frankly, I'd vote for Tyson cause he's the strong one and will probably win all of the challenges"Jeff: "Coach: I Tyson a threat?"
Coach: "Well, Jeff, I want to walk the path of a noble warrior and go into the final battle with only the strongest. I want to win an honorable battle "
Jeff: "Hmmmm, so, is that why you got rid of Brandon, the strongest player last week??"
Coach:"Um, haha, um, I'm a ravenous wolf"
Me: "What the fuck are you talking about you crazy ass loon with feathers in your pony tail???"
Time to vote and count the votes:
Sierra gets 3 votes, Tyson gets 4. WTF????????????????????? Hey, what's that smell? That's the smell of the Smug-Birdman-Dragon-Slayer crapping himself.
Forza
Coach: Leslie
Debbie: Elayne
Sierra: Donna
Errin.Carolyn
JT: Stacey
Taj: Kelly
Stephen: Mary and Becky
Off to Carnival
Carolina: Terri
Candace: Matt and Kevin
Jerry: Karen and John
Sandy: Jeff and Eileen
Spencer: Joanne
Sydney: Ginnie
Joe: Kim
Brendan: Amy and Maureen
Tyson: Tess and Susan
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Spring 09 Amazing Race: Week 9
Whoa, tempers are flaring this week, which I like to call The Bitch Slap Episode.
Teams are in Bangkok, and the Mini Men face a 4 hour delay due to un sportsmanlike conduct and a speedbump. God I hope this isn't another lame ass speedbump.
Deafmom leave at 9:36 am and have to fly to Guilin, China via Xiandnfkdhigh, or something like that. Once in China they have to take a taxi to a hair salon. LOL how friggin funny would it be if the salon had rows of American girls doing nails?
Deafmom get the first flight at 11:20 am, but their connecting flight isn't until 8:30 pm. The Wicked Smart Asians, and, for this episode I am going to call them the Wickedly Annoying Asians, read that they are going to China and immediately refuse to speak any English. They're all yingyangchingchanging it all over the place. Seriously, They were translating what they were saying, but I doubt it was really "oh, my, how nice we are going to China". Methinks it was more like "ha, now we have those round eyes where we want them."
The Wickedly Annoying Asians and the NFLs are on the second flight to Xknfdnfandklnfl, with the same 8:30 connection. Hey, am I just noticing that the NFLs have the same BAAAD haircolor?? Like, WTF? Did they get a case of it cheap or something?
The Sistas have a 9:10 pm connection to Guilin. Mini men are just leaving at 4pm due to their delay. The first connection is delayed, so the Sistas actually get to China first. The Asians are all cocky about speaking Chinese. Seriously, I was getting a friggin headache from it. Yingyangchingchang, dongwongyinggang.
NFLs get to the hair salon first, but unfortunately don't take the time for a little color therapy. "Go to the #24 Bridge for you next clue". On the wall is also the speedbump sign.
The Asians get the clue and are off yammering away. About now the Mini men arrive in China.
And, now, the drama goes off the charts... The Sistas and Deafmom arrive at the Salon at the same time, and both stand like, right in front of the clue box saying, "where is that damn clue box". Although the Deaf kid just moans this. Both the deaf kid and one of the Sistas (I think the mean one Kisha) spot it and dive for it. Deaf shoves her out of the way and she calls him a bitch. LOL, he's lucky he didn't get cut.
In the cabs, both teams are bitching about it. Mom signs "bitch" and it's ON. OK, time for a little bashing. I'm sure it's frustrating being deaf but this kid is getting on my damn nerves. Look, you can't talk so just stop trying and sign. He is like a bomb of anger waiting to go off.
At the #24 bridge it's a Roadblock. One member has to go out in a little boat and train a Cormorant to catch 10 fish. The Asians think they have this in the bag cause she can talk to the teacher in Chinese and SHE CAN ALSO TALK TO THE BIRDS. Yeeeeaaaa. Good luck with that.
Back to the Bitches, again both the Sistas and Deafmom arrive at the bridge clue box at the same time. Deaf is soooo mad his fingers are flying off. Kisha gets to the box first and he rams her from behind, knocking her into the clue box. Mommy arrives and starts yelling at Kisha for pushing him. It's just ugly.
Jamie, Jenn, Girl-Asian and Deaf are all doing the Roadblock. Girl-Asian is yammering away in Chinese. Seriously, how those Chinese people don't go friggin INSANE listening to each other I have no idea.
The Mini's finally get to the Salon. Ooooh, Speedbump!! Wait, what?? WTF?? All they have to do is wash 2 old ladies hair? LAME. Seriously. I am steamed. They do the speedbump in like, 2 minutes, one of them telling the lady he is going to give her a 'MASSAG-EEE". Yea, that's really funny.
Jamie and Jenn finish the fish roadblock. Deaf is flailing around making noises and scaring the fish. This dude needs to chill and enjoy life a little. He gets bit on the hand by a bird, who probably didn't like what he was saying to it. In case you missed the bite, Deaf reenacts it like, 15 times over and friggin over again. Mommy translates each time. Jesus. I think next week I am watching this show with the volume down.
After the Roadblock teams have to go to the Ancient South Gate. The Girl Asian is still talking Chinese smack to the bird and it flies off. It finally comes back and she finishes.
Detour: Dancing or Calligraphy. Teams either have to learn to do Chinese Ballroom Dancing or copy Calligraphy from 4 different people and read Chinese to find the next Calligrapher. Yingyangdongwang-"haha, we didn't pay attention in Chinese school!" Uhuh.
The NFLs decide to do the dancing, They have to learn a dance routine. Their teacher is another couple and, man, are they rough manhandlers. The NFL's keep doing the dance and getting a "no" from the judge, and with a laugh. One of them gets really steamed and starts yelling. They decide to quit. While they are walking away, they wonder if they were supposed to keep doing the dance the whole time the music played. Decide to go back and give it another try and they get it right.
Everyone else does the Calligraphy. They basically follow the Wickedly Annoying Asians around doing what they do. The Asians won't shut the frig up. Telling one of the calligraphers "our parents will cry if we don't win". Jeez. By this point my head is throbbing. ChowchungHuangHong, wingwangdingdong.
Teams now need to travel to the Banyan Lake Pit stop. The Asians, Sistas and Deafmom all arrive at the same time. It's a foot race. Phil is standing there with a couple EATING CHINESE FOOD. They mumble "welcome to china" through their Kung Po chicken. The Asians say, "yingyang, what he say??"
Sistas are first-they win a trip to Barbados. Asians are second and Deafmom is third. And, just like that the fight begins again. Phil says, "seems like the competition is getting tough". Mommy tells Phil her distorted story about her poor deaf son getting roughed up by these big scary black women. The Sistas smile/laugh. Mommy goes all crazy on them, yelling and shrieking how unfair it is for them to laugh at a deaf person, especially cause they are black. What that has to do with anything, I have no idea! "You're black, you should know better".
To his credit Phil tries to talk her down off the ledge but Deaf goes all hand waving nuts. Seriously it's a total Deaf rant. The Wickedly Annoying Asians are just standing there going, "how the f&*k did we end up second??"
NFL's arrive as team #4.
The Mini's do the dancing detour. All romantic music and slow motion footage. Yep, bye bye you rule breakers. The are eliiiiiminated.
1. Kisha & Jen: Matt and Kevin
2. Tammy & Victor : John
3. Margie & Luke: Maureen and Amy
4. Jaime & Cara: Terri
Off
11. Preston & Jennifer: Becky and Mary
10. Steve & Linda: Jeff and Eileen
9. Brad & Victoria: Donna
8. Amanda & Kris: Elayne
7. Christie & Jodi: Ginnie
6. Mel & Mike: Joanne
5. Mark & Michael: Karen
Teams are in Bangkok, and the Mini Men face a 4 hour delay due to un sportsmanlike conduct and a speedbump. God I hope this isn't another lame ass speedbump.
Deafmom leave at 9:36 am and have to fly to Guilin, China via Xiandnfkdhigh, or something like that. Once in China they have to take a taxi to a hair salon. LOL how friggin funny would it be if the salon had rows of American girls doing nails?
Deafmom get the first flight at 11:20 am, but their connecting flight isn't until 8:30 pm. The Wicked Smart Asians, and, for this episode I am going to call them the Wickedly Annoying Asians, read that they are going to China and immediately refuse to speak any English. They're all yingyangchingchanging it all over the place. Seriously, They were translating what they were saying, but I doubt it was really "oh, my, how nice we are going to China". Methinks it was more like "ha, now we have those round eyes where we want them."
The Wickedly Annoying Asians and the NFLs are on the second flight to Xknfdnfandklnfl, with the same 8:30 connection. Hey, am I just noticing that the NFLs have the same BAAAD haircolor?? Like, WTF? Did they get a case of it cheap or something?
The Sistas have a 9:10 pm connection to Guilin. Mini men are just leaving at 4pm due to their delay. The first connection is delayed, so the Sistas actually get to China first. The Asians are all cocky about speaking Chinese. Seriously, I was getting a friggin headache from it. Yingyangchingchang, dongwongyinggang.
NFLs get to the hair salon first, but unfortunately don't take the time for a little color therapy. "Go to the #24 Bridge for you next clue". On the wall is also the speedbump sign.
The Asians get the clue and are off yammering away. About now the Mini men arrive in China.
And, now, the drama goes off the charts... The Sistas and Deafmom arrive at the Salon at the same time, and both stand like, right in front of the clue box saying, "where is that damn clue box". Although the Deaf kid just moans this. Both the deaf kid and one of the Sistas (I think the mean one Kisha) spot it and dive for it. Deaf shoves her out of the way and she calls him a bitch. LOL, he's lucky he didn't get cut.
In the cabs, both teams are bitching about it. Mom signs "bitch" and it's ON. OK, time for a little bashing. I'm sure it's frustrating being deaf but this kid is getting on my damn nerves. Look, you can't talk so just stop trying and sign. He is like a bomb of anger waiting to go off.
At the #24 bridge it's a Roadblock. One member has to go out in a little boat and train a Cormorant to catch 10 fish. The Asians think they have this in the bag cause she can talk to the teacher in Chinese and SHE CAN ALSO TALK TO THE BIRDS. Yeeeeaaaa. Good luck with that.
Back to the Bitches, again both the Sistas and Deafmom arrive at the bridge clue box at the same time. Deaf is soooo mad his fingers are flying off. Kisha gets to the box first and he rams her from behind, knocking her into the clue box. Mommy arrives and starts yelling at Kisha for pushing him. It's just ugly.
Jamie, Jenn, Girl-Asian and Deaf are all doing the Roadblock. Girl-Asian is yammering away in Chinese. Seriously, how those Chinese people don't go friggin INSANE listening to each other I have no idea.
The Mini's finally get to the Salon. Ooooh, Speedbump!! Wait, what?? WTF?? All they have to do is wash 2 old ladies hair? LAME. Seriously. I am steamed. They do the speedbump in like, 2 minutes, one of them telling the lady he is going to give her a 'MASSAG-EEE". Yea, that's really funny.
Jamie and Jenn finish the fish roadblock. Deaf is flailing around making noises and scaring the fish. This dude needs to chill and enjoy life a little. He gets bit on the hand by a bird, who probably didn't like what he was saying to it. In case you missed the bite, Deaf reenacts it like, 15 times over and friggin over again. Mommy translates each time. Jesus. I think next week I am watching this show with the volume down.
After the Roadblock teams have to go to the Ancient South Gate. The Girl Asian is still talking Chinese smack to the bird and it flies off. It finally comes back and she finishes.
Detour: Dancing or Calligraphy. Teams either have to learn to do Chinese Ballroom Dancing or copy Calligraphy from 4 different people and read Chinese to find the next Calligrapher. Yingyangdongwang-"haha, we didn't pay attention in Chinese school!" Uhuh.
The NFLs decide to do the dancing, They have to learn a dance routine. Their teacher is another couple and, man, are they rough manhandlers. The NFL's keep doing the dance and getting a "no" from the judge, and with a laugh. One of them gets really steamed and starts yelling. They decide to quit. While they are walking away, they wonder if they were supposed to keep doing the dance the whole time the music played. Decide to go back and give it another try and they get it right.
Everyone else does the Calligraphy. They basically follow the Wickedly Annoying Asians around doing what they do. The Asians won't shut the frig up. Telling one of the calligraphers "our parents will cry if we don't win". Jeez. By this point my head is throbbing. ChowchungHuangHong, wingwangdingdong.
Teams now need to travel to the Banyan Lake Pit stop. The Asians, Sistas and Deafmom all arrive at the same time. It's a foot race. Phil is standing there with a couple EATING CHINESE FOOD. They mumble "welcome to china" through their Kung Po chicken. The Asians say, "yingyang, what he say??"
Sistas are first-they win a trip to Barbados. Asians are second and Deafmom is third. And, just like that the fight begins again. Phil says, "seems like the competition is getting tough". Mommy tells Phil her distorted story about her poor deaf son getting roughed up by these big scary black women. The Sistas smile/laugh. Mommy goes all crazy on them, yelling and shrieking how unfair it is for them to laugh at a deaf person, especially cause they are black. What that has to do with anything, I have no idea! "You're black, you should know better".
To his credit Phil tries to talk her down off the ledge but Deaf goes all hand waving nuts. Seriously it's a total Deaf rant. The Wickedly Annoying Asians are just standing there going, "how the f&*k did we end up second??"
NFL's arrive as team #4.
The Mini's do the dancing detour. All romantic music and slow motion footage. Yep, bye bye you rule breakers. The are eliiiiiminated.
1. Kisha & Jen: Matt and Kevin
2. Tammy & Victor : John
3. Margie & Luke: Maureen and Amy
4. Jaime & Cara: Terri
Off
11. Preston & Jennifer: Becky and Mary
10. Steve & Linda: Jeff and Eileen
9. Brad & Victoria: Donna
8. Amanda & Kris: Elayne
7. Christie & Jodi: Ginnie
6. Mel & Mike: Joanne
5. Mark & Michael: Karen
Spring 09 Race: Weeks 7 and 8
Whoah. Been a while!! Anyone miss me last week? Good thing my poolster contract allows me to miss one update before it effects my grade.
Week 7 in a nutshell: Fly to Phuket, Thailand, find a giant gorilla statue in the zoo. Gays go to the beach. Have your picture taken with a tiger, get walked on by an elephant. Find a clue in an herb shop. Do not stop and smoke herb. Chose between filling barrels or riding in a rickshaw. DO NOT SABOTAGE THE EQUIPMENT. Mini's hide the pumps for the rickshaws. Bad. Gays are still at the beach. Mini-men arrive first but get bitch-slapped by Phil, get 2 30-minute penalties. Wicked Smart Asians come in first-get a trip to Oahu from Travelocity (ding). NFL's arrive second, then mini's are checked in by Phil who is still looking for an ass kicking. Deaf-N-Mom have trouble. It's really hot in Thailand. Mom faints at the pit. They are team #4. Phil is into hot mammas cause he gets her an ambulance and a bottle of water. Sistas spend a lot of the episode-surprise-lost. They are team #5. Gays decide to take their shirts off and pick up Thai men on the beach instead of playing this stupid race game. Both score. Phil finds them later that night at a public bath, tells them they are eliminated. Gets in the Bath with them and their dates, Raul and Jeffrey. Mom joins them. Ok.
Are y'all happy now? Can we go on to week 8??
So, we're at some temple in Phuket, Thailand. Teams have to fly to Bangkok, which always sounds dirty to me. One of the NFL chicks is totally PMSing. She doesn't believe the pink taxi is a taxi. Calls the police over. Yells at the driver to shut up and stop talking to the police. THEN THEY GET IN THE CAB AND LET HIM DRIVE AWAY WITH THEM. Seriously, I expected to segue right into an episode of CSI:Bangkok.
First flight on Thai air is at 7:25am. All end up on the same flight. They have to take a taxi to the boatyard (apparently there is only one). Sistas driver gets wrong directions. Big friggin shock there.
Roadblock: Who wants to propel their team forward? One person has to screw on a propeller. Once that is approved by a really CRACK overseer who, basically, looks at it and shakes his head, teams have to navigate through the canals of Bangkok with the driver using the cocktail stirrer with the propeller. AND HERE TEAMS MAKE STUPID DECISIONS.
For some reason, the Sistas and the Mini's leave their bags in the taxi thinking they are coming back. Sistas even leave their shoes and friggin fanny packs. Stupid. The canal takes them quite a ways away.
Detour. Teams have to chose between broken teeth or broken record. In broken teeth, they make their way to the "street of happy smiles", which isn't what I was thinking it was going to be, and then have to match dentures to 5 people, fishing then out of a bowl and inserting them until they find the right match. Disgusting. Teams get to wear gloves and glasses to protect them from the massive amounts of parasites and HIV particles in the mouths. Mom and Deaf chose this route.
In broken record, teams have to take a party cab with a couple of really ugly "party girls" ("how much for bang bang??") and sing Thai karaoke. Seriously, this just has hell written all over it.
Mini men are freaked out about their stuff. The better looking one wants to forget their stuff and go on. The other one wants his personal stuff. He was so adamant that I am sure he had Preparation H in his bag. They try for a water taxi but that's too far. They find a taxi from the same company, and arrange for their driver to bring them their stuff. Tweedle dee wants to go do the detour and have the cab meet them in Chinatown, but Tweedle dum wants his Prep H first. Big fight ensues. They decide to take the cab back to the other cab and get their stuff. That costs 400 rupees or whatever they use in Thailand.
The sistas decide to go ahead and do the detour and then worry about their stuff. Well, one decides that, the other is freaked out the whole way. One sista is running around Thailand barefoot. Ugh. That is nasty. Seriously, I've taken parasitology and the route of infection is like, 75% through the feet.
NFL and wicked smart Asians do the party taxi. Some of these party girls need to go over to the street of smiles. Lots of teeth missing.
Back at the dentures, Deaf dude is groaning and grunting and putting bottom plates in the top of people's mouths while his mom kicks ass and slams 4 dentures in. Seriously if they don't win the million, and Phil goes back with his wife, she has a standing offer to work in the dental mines. They finish and make their way to the pit stop -Phiya Thai Palace (I wonder if they have that coconut soup with the chicken?) where they are met by loverboy and a dude with a parrot. The parrot says hello. Phil says, "hey momma how's it hanging? You and the silent kid are team #1. You have won a trip to San Juan. We can leave the kid in an airport locker-who's he going to tell??"
The sistas are in the parteey cab. One of them is convinced the party girls are transvestites. The sistas finish and can't find their taxi. Have to get someone to take them for nothing. Fortunately, the people of Thailand are either 1) very generous or 2) scared to DEATH of two big black chicks.
NFLs are team #2. The Asians and the Sistas are in a footrace for the mat. Sistas are first followed by Asians. Sistas are team #3 BUT Phil can't check them in cause they don't have their travel documents. The Wicked Smart Asians look at them with disdain cause they ALWAYS follow the rules.
The mini men get back to the boatyard. See that there is another cab waiting. They get their stuff and take a cab back to Chinatown to do the detour. They don't have enough money and give the driver a flashlight and compass. Apparently it's bad luck in Thailand to not barter with dwarfs. MIni-men do the party taxi. They then take a cab to the pit, paying this driver with a watch. They are team #4 BUT Phil is really really mad now. Like, really. They incur 2 2-hour penalties for breaking the rule against using personal possessions. Funny, you can't trade a watch but you can sleep with the host to come in team #1.
The Sistas go back and get their bags, find their travel documents and money and make their way back to the pit. Phil checks them in as the real team #4. He then calls the mini-men over to tell them that it's not an elimination leg BUT the 4 hour penalty is added onto their departure time, and they will have a speedbump. And, if they break another rule, he will seriously f them up.
1. Margie & Luke: Maureen and Amy
2. Jaime & Cara: Terri
3. Tammy & Victor : John
4. Kisha & Jen: Matt and Kevin
5. Mark & Michael: Karen
Off
11. Preston & Jennifer: Becky and Mary
10. Steve & Linda: Jeff and Eileen
9. Brad & Victoria: Donna
8. Amanda & Kris: Elayne
7. Christie & Jodi: Ginnie
6. Mel & Mike: Joanne
Week 7 in a nutshell: Fly to Phuket, Thailand, find a giant gorilla statue in the zoo. Gays go to the beach. Have your picture taken with a tiger, get walked on by an elephant. Find a clue in an herb shop. Do not stop and smoke herb. Chose between filling barrels or riding in a rickshaw. DO NOT SABOTAGE THE EQUIPMENT. Mini's hide the pumps for the rickshaws. Bad. Gays are still at the beach. Mini-men arrive first but get bitch-slapped by Phil, get 2 30-minute penalties. Wicked Smart Asians come in first-get a trip to Oahu from Travelocity (ding). NFL's arrive second, then mini's are checked in by Phil who is still looking for an ass kicking. Deaf-N-Mom have trouble. It's really hot in Thailand. Mom faints at the pit. They are team #4. Phil is into hot mammas cause he gets her an ambulance and a bottle of water. Sistas spend a lot of the episode-surprise-lost. They are team #5. Gays decide to take their shirts off and pick up Thai men on the beach instead of playing this stupid race game. Both score. Phil finds them later that night at a public bath, tells them they are eliminated. Gets in the Bath with them and their dates, Raul and Jeffrey. Mom joins them. Ok.
Are y'all happy now? Can we go on to week 8??
So, we're at some temple in Phuket, Thailand. Teams have to fly to Bangkok, which always sounds dirty to me. One of the NFL chicks is totally PMSing. She doesn't believe the pink taxi is a taxi. Calls the police over. Yells at the driver to shut up and stop talking to the police. THEN THEY GET IN THE CAB AND LET HIM DRIVE AWAY WITH THEM. Seriously, I expected to segue right into an episode of CSI:Bangkok.
First flight on Thai air is at 7:25am. All end up on the same flight. They have to take a taxi to the boatyard (apparently there is only one). Sistas driver gets wrong directions. Big friggin shock there.
Roadblock: Who wants to propel their team forward? One person has to screw on a propeller. Once that is approved by a really CRACK overseer who, basically, looks at it and shakes his head, teams have to navigate through the canals of Bangkok with the driver using the cocktail stirrer with the propeller. AND HERE TEAMS MAKE STUPID DECISIONS.
For some reason, the Sistas and the Mini's leave their bags in the taxi thinking they are coming back. Sistas even leave their shoes and friggin fanny packs. Stupid. The canal takes them quite a ways away.
Detour. Teams have to chose between broken teeth or broken record. In broken teeth, they make their way to the "street of happy smiles", which isn't what I was thinking it was going to be, and then have to match dentures to 5 people, fishing then out of a bowl and inserting them until they find the right match. Disgusting. Teams get to wear gloves and glasses to protect them from the massive amounts of parasites and HIV particles in the mouths. Mom and Deaf chose this route.
In broken record, teams have to take a party cab with a couple of really ugly "party girls" ("how much for bang bang??") and sing Thai karaoke. Seriously, this just has hell written all over it.
Mini men are freaked out about their stuff. The better looking one wants to forget their stuff and go on. The other one wants his personal stuff. He was so adamant that I am sure he had Preparation H in his bag. They try for a water taxi but that's too far. They find a taxi from the same company, and arrange for their driver to bring them their stuff. Tweedle dee wants to go do the detour and have the cab meet them in Chinatown, but Tweedle dum wants his Prep H first. Big fight ensues. They decide to take the cab back to the other cab and get their stuff. That costs 400 rupees or whatever they use in Thailand.
The sistas decide to go ahead and do the detour and then worry about their stuff. Well, one decides that, the other is freaked out the whole way. One sista is running around Thailand barefoot. Ugh. That is nasty. Seriously, I've taken parasitology and the route of infection is like, 75% through the feet.
NFL and wicked smart Asians do the party taxi. Some of these party girls need to go over to the street of smiles. Lots of teeth missing.
Back at the dentures, Deaf dude is groaning and grunting and putting bottom plates in the top of people's mouths while his mom kicks ass and slams 4 dentures in. Seriously if they don't win the million, and Phil goes back with his wife, she has a standing offer to work in the dental mines. They finish and make their way to the pit stop -Phiya Thai Palace (I wonder if they have that coconut soup with the chicken?) where they are met by loverboy and a dude with a parrot. The parrot says hello. Phil says, "hey momma how's it hanging? You and the silent kid are team #1. You have won a trip to San Juan. We can leave the kid in an airport locker-who's he going to tell??"
The sistas are in the parteey cab. One of them is convinced the party girls are transvestites. The sistas finish and can't find their taxi. Have to get someone to take them for nothing. Fortunately, the people of Thailand are either 1) very generous or 2) scared to DEATH of two big black chicks.
NFLs are team #2. The Asians and the Sistas are in a footrace for the mat. Sistas are first followed by Asians. Sistas are team #3 BUT Phil can't check them in cause they don't have their travel documents. The Wicked Smart Asians look at them with disdain cause they ALWAYS follow the rules.
The mini men get back to the boatyard. See that there is another cab waiting. They get their stuff and take a cab back to Chinatown to do the detour. They don't have enough money and give the driver a flashlight and compass. Apparently it's bad luck in Thailand to not barter with dwarfs. MIni-men do the party taxi. They then take a cab to the pit, paying this driver with a watch. They are team #4 BUT Phil is really really mad now. Like, really. They incur 2 2-hour penalties for breaking the rule against using personal possessions. Funny, you can't trade a watch but you can sleep with the host to come in team #1.
The Sistas go back and get their bags, find their travel documents and money and make their way back to the pit. Phil checks them in as the real team #4. He then calls the mini-men over to tell them that it's not an elimination leg BUT the 4 hour penalty is added onto their departure time, and they will have a speedbump. And, if they break another rule, he will seriously f them up.
1. Margie & Luke: Maureen and Amy
2. Jaime & Cara: Terri
3. Tammy & Victor : John
4. Kisha & Jen: Matt and Kevin
5. Mark & Michael: Karen
Off
11. Preston & Jennifer: Becky and Mary
10. Steve & Linda: Jeff and Eileen
9. Brad & Victoria: Donna
8. Amanda & Kris: Elayne
7. Christie & Jodi: Ginnie
6. Mel & Mike: Joanne
Spring 09 Amazing Race: Week 6
Ok, I am a lazy ass. I admit it. I now have about 50 minutes to write up last week. So, hold onto your hats:
Leaving Russia. Teams have to fly to Jaipur India. I would so hate that. All teams end up on the same flight from Moscow to The Pink City, where they have to take taxi's to a sacred tree.
The Ho's will have a speedbump in this leg of the race.
Once in India, we get the message that it's hot, dirty, smells like crap and everyone is poor. And, the taxi drivers are idiots and don't know where they are going. Which is not surprising if you have taken a cab in NYC when you think that the smart Indian drivers got out of India and are in NYC and still can't drive or find your destination. Mini men are frustrated when their driver basically disappears completely. Turns out he was just consulting mapquest and now has the directions.
Ho's get pissy when their driver stops for gas: "Do they have a hurry button". Which is funny since the driver was wondering if the blondes had an easy button he could play with.
Once at the sacred tree, there are a bunch of dudes sitting around looking sacred AND BIG ASS RED PHONES NEXT TO THEM. The wicked smart Asians get there first and quickly figure out the clue is to call one of 4 numbers on the phones. Although they can't understand the clue until their driver, Babu (seriously) listens to it, they learn they have to go to Amber Fort. While the wicked smart Asians take off, the rest of the IDIOTS keep walking around the tree saying, "I wonder where the clue box is".
Amber Fort holds a Roadblock. Camel Care. One member has to move water and food USING THE PROPER VESSELS to a camel with it's daily requirement. Asian dude is first up and at first takes the water bucket to the food but figures out the large baskets are the proper vessel for the food. By the time he finishes the food, the idiots arrive. Gaydad has trouble carrying all the water but at least he has stopped yelling "my groin, my groin" every 5 seconds. He figures out the basket for the food and starts on that.
After filling the food and water, teams must travel to a puppet store. Seriously, how do you keep a store that sells puppets open for business in the midst of that poverty?? Once at the puppet store, however, there is a detour that has nothing to do with puppets which proves my point that it probably was just an opium den with a puppet store front.
Detour: Movers or Shakers. In movers teams travel...somewhere...and have to bike a bunch of huge ass barrels to...somewhere else. Once at somewhere else, they have to unload them, and unload the hay and find a little elephant. Only the mini-men do the movers.
In shakers, teams have to dress up as prostitutes in bright colors and makeup, and pimp for 100 rupees. Seriously, do not tell me that the Amazing Race crew does not hand out the money in advance. Hmmm, we're all poor as shit and we have 10 rupees. Do we 1) eat, 2) eat some more or 3) give our money to some crazy whored up Americans playing in our country for a million dollars, which is alike a friggin BAZILLION rupees.
Speedbump: the HO's have to do paint by number on an elephant's head. YAWN. This sets them back about 5 minutes.
All the other teams do the whore thing. The gays LOVE THE PRETTY COLORS!!! Reminds them of this year's gay pride parade. Wow, still 20 minutes left of my time but alas, this was a kind of dull week and teams now have to get to the pitt stop which is Jaeger Port.
Teams arrive and are met with some Indian dude playing a nose flute. What incredibly poor people won't do for a little money!
Team1 is the wicked smart Asians! They win ocean Kayaks which no doubt will sit and gather dust in their 3 car garages while they are back at their corporate lawyer jobs.It's a race to the finish as the mini men can't find the little elephant trinket in their hay. Ooooh, who will come in last? Mini's or Ho's????? Ahh, it's the Ho's who are the next team eeeliminated.
Leaving Russia. Teams have to fly to Jaipur India. I would so hate that. All teams end up on the same flight from Moscow to The Pink City, where they have to take taxi's to a sacred tree.
The Ho's will have a speedbump in this leg of the race.
Once in India, we get the message that it's hot, dirty, smells like crap and everyone is poor. And, the taxi drivers are idiots and don't know where they are going. Which is not surprising if you have taken a cab in NYC when you think that the smart Indian drivers got out of India and are in NYC and still can't drive or find your destination. Mini men are frustrated when their driver basically disappears completely. Turns out he was just consulting mapquest and now has the directions.
Ho's get pissy when their driver stops for gas: "Do they have a hurry button". Which is funny since the driver was wondering if the blondes had an easy button he could play with.
Once at the sacred tree, there are a bunch of dudes sitting around looking sacred AND BIG ASS RED PHONES NEXT TO THEM. The wicked smart Asians get there first and quickly figure out the clue is to call one of 4 numbers on the phones. Although they can't understand the clue until their driver, Babu (seriously) listens to it, they learn they have to go to Amber Fort. While the wicked smart Asians take off, the rest of the IDIOTS keep walking around the tree saying, "I wonder where the clue box is".
Amber Fort holds a Roadblock. Camel Care. One member has to move water and food USING THE PROPER VESSELS to a camel with it's daily requirement. Asian dude is first up and at first takes the water bucket to the food but figures out the large baskets are the proper vessel for the food. By the time he finishes the food, the idiots arrive. Gaydad has trouble carrying all the water but at least he has stopped yelling "my groin, my groin" every 5 seconds. He figures out the basket for the food and starts on that.
After filling the food and water, teams must travel to a puppet store. Seriously, how do you keep a store that sells puppets open for business in the midst of that poverty?? Once at the puppet store, however, there is a detour that has nothing to do with puppets which proves my point that it probably was just an opium den with a puppet store front.
Detour: Movers or Shakers. In movers teams travel...somewhere...and have to bike a bunch of huge ass barrels to...somewhere else. Once at somewhere else, they have to unload them, and unload the hay and find a little elephant. Only the mini-men do the movers.
In shakers, teams have to dress up as prostitutes in bright colors and makeup, and pimp for 100 rupees. Seriously, do not tell me that the Amazing Race crew does not hand out the money in advance. Hmmm, we're all poor as shit and we have 10 rupees. Do we 1) eat, 2) eat some more or 3) give our money to some crazy whored up Americans playing in our country for a million dollars, which is alike a friggin BAZILLION rupees.
Speedbump: the HO's have to do paint by number on an elephant's head. YAWN. This sets them back about 5 minutes.
All the other teams do the whore thing. The gays LOVE THE PRETTY COLORS!!! Reminds them of this year's gay pride parade. Wow, still 20 minutes left of my time but alas, this was a kind of dull week and teams now have to get to the pitt stop which is Jaeger Port.
Teams arrive and are met with some Indian dude playing a nose flute. What incredibly poor people won't do for a little money!
Team1 is the wicked smart Asians! They win ocean Kayaks which no doubt will sit and gather dust in their 3 car garages while they are back at their corporate lawyer jobs.It's a race to the finish as the mini men can't find the little elephant trinket in their hay. Ooooh, who will come in last? Mini's or Ho's????? Ahh, it's the Ho's who are the next team eeeliminated.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Survivor Brazil Week 8
YO, I just watched last week's episode last night. Am still laughing about what a total ASS Coach it.
It was all Coach, all the time last week. Coach thought everyone was bored sitting around the campfire, so he decided to tell some little stories of his life, just to amuse people.
If you didn't watch the show, find a teenager, but some dope and take a BIG hit while I tell ya the story.
“I want you to know that there are three people in the world that know this story,”
APPARENTLY this idiot thinks he was air lifted BY MILITARY HELICOPTERS (I have connections,,,) into the Amazon, where he was captured by six or 7 "indigenous 4 foot tall people" with arrows pointed at him. He was tied to a stake and beaten (I guess around the knees since they were all dwarf amazonians). He slipped out of the rope, slipped out the back of camp and kayak'd for 2 days to escape.
SERIOUSLY??? Are ya sure they weren't aliens? Cause, the look a lot like 4' tall amazonians. Apparently, the National Geographic wanted to go to the Amazon with him and he said, "nooo, this is all about me". Riiiiiight.
The funniest part was the other Survivors just looking at him and the sound of crickets. Man, we watched this and then went to bed and I kept waking Wil up asking him if he really said, military helicopters? Like, blackhawks?? And, was this the same trip w ith the snake or did he go back for revenge? Is it me or is this like the plot of that crappy "Captain Hook" movie-the one where Julia Roberts had that shitty short haircut after she alter-ran from FRIGGIN KIEFFER SUTHERLAND"????????
So, next morning Coach is doing his yoga-oh sorry Tai Chi, which he calls Chong Ran. I call it Douche Bag. “If you do a Google search on it, you won’t find it. It’s only passed down verbally. You have to go there to the monastery to study it,”
Time to make a bazillion alliances. JT says he has an alliance with Coach, Tyson, Stephen and I think Debbie (he was twanging pretty bad here).
Coach: I am the dragon slayer, and Brendan is the head of the dragon. Sierra is the colon. I must kill the dragon.
JT sides up to Erinn. She missed Joe. JT: "so, do y'all have an alliance out here? Hmmmmm, maybe for a little sex I can help y'all out little lady".
JT goes to his OTHER alliance and asks Taj and Stephen what they would think about an alliance with him and Erinn.
Reward Challenge: thanks god, that whole alliance shit was testing my sobriety. In yet another blatant attack on Ceramic Artists, survivors are split into teams of 3 (Coach, Taj and Tyson; Stephen, Erin and Sierra; Debbie, JT and Brendan) and take turns throwing bean bags through ceramic tiles. Seriously, I think this game was called connect 4 when I was a kid.
Wanna know what you're playing for? White water rafting and a picnic. No toilet though . You also get to send one person to exile.
Team Coach is first out. So, Coach just stands around looking bored and pissed the rest of the time. Team Stephen is out next meaning Debbie, JT and Brendan win reward. They send Stephen back to exile.
Cut to Stephen at exile. Stephen manages to build a fire which takes about 2 hours. Poor Stephen, doesn't have his brokeback mountain buddy. Apparently this time he spends 2 nights on exile.
Reward: rafting and food. While Debbie takes a walk, Brendan ask JT if anyone has approached him to be in an alliance. This guy is working the stupid hick thing like a champ. Brendan thinks his chances lie with JT.
Back at camp next morning, Brendan stayed up all night trying to figure out how to not lose. He decides he wants to bring JT into his alliance. He talks to Sierra who is a little hot for JT and wants to keep him around. Brendan lays out the plan. “Take out Tyson, Coach and Erinn,” He presents the idea to Taj who just wants to keep Jalapeno around as long as possible.
Hey, is Taj really a former pop star??
Challenge: it's some complicated rope mess. You are attached to a rope and have to navigate through a maze. There are 2 stages. It is friggin lame.
Stage 1: JT, Tyson and Brendan win. Coach, Mr I-got-out-of-the-amazon-alive comes in about last.
Stage 2: Tyson wins immunity.
Ok, Tyson kind of creeps me out. He looks like one of the lost boys from said mentioned Captain Hook movie. Coach wants to split the vote between Brendan and Sierra so if one of them plays the idol, the other goes. Which is Tyson's plan from last week...
Brendan wants Coach and talks to Sierra, JT, Taj and Stephen about it.
Tribal: Jeff has apparently been briefed by the camera crew cause he starts right off with "so, who tells the best campfire stories". LOL.
Coach has his samuri hair tonight. Jeff is in pale green. It's a good color for him.
TAJ: Coach tells the best campfire stories.
Jeff: Really?? Do tell.
Coach: I actually toned the story down to make it PG. The dwarfs really wanted to eat my ahole. LMFAO. uhuh.
Coach: I've had 6-8 life or death situations, Jeff. Been in a hurricane, attacked by a shark, and a croc, the Indian tribe capture... WOW, who knew how friggin stressful being a concert conductor could be!
Jeff: Coach, are you still confident?
Jeff: Tyson, how big is trust??
Taj: JT is a triple threat, Jeff.
Jeff: Taj-do you have the idol? Stephen? Brendan? "Yes, Jeff, I have the idol"
Time to vote.
Coach gets 2 votes (Sierra and Brendan)
Sierra gets 3 ( JT, Tyson and Erin)
Brendan gets 4 votes ( Coach, Debbie, Taj, Stephen).
Brendan is voted off. Damn, I was hoping Coach was going but, why ruin the party now??
It was all Coach, all the time last week. Coach thought everyone was bored sitting around the campfire, so he decided to tell some little stories of his life, just to amuse people.
If you didn't watch the show, find a teenager, but some dope and take a BIG hit while I tell ya the story.
“I want you to know that there are three people in the world that know this story,”
APPARENTLY this idiot thinks he was air lifted BY MILITARY HELICOPTERS (I have connections,,,) into the Amazon, where he was captured by six or 7 "indigenous 4 foot tall people" with arrows pointed at him. He was tied to a stake and beaten (I guess around the knees since they were all dwarf amazonians). He slipped out of the rope, slipped out the back of camp and kayak'd for 2 days to escape.
SERIOUSLY??? Are ya sure they weren't aliens? Cause, the look a lot like 4' tall amazonians. Apparently, the National Geographic wanted to go to the Amazon with him and he said, "nooo, this is all about me". Riiiiiight.
The funniest part was the other Survivors just looking at him and the sound of crickets. Man, we watched this and then went to bed and I kept waking Wil up asking him if he really said, military helicopters? Like, blackhawks?? And, was this the same trip w ith the snake or did he go back for revenge? Is it me or is this like the plot of that crappy "Captain Hook" movie-the one where Julia Roberts had that shitty short haircut after she alter-ran from FRIGGIN KIEFFER SUTHERLAND"????????
So, next morning Coach is doing his yoga-oh sorry Tai Chi, which he calls Chong Ran. I call it Douche Bag. “If you do a Google search on it, you won’t find it. It’s only passed down verbally. You have to go there to the monastery to study it,”
Time to make a bazillion alliances. JT says he has an alliance with Coach, Tyson, Stephen and I think Debbie (he was twanging pretty bad here).
Coach: I am the dragon slayer, and Brendan is the head of the dragon. Sierra is the colon. I must kill the dragon.
JT sides up to Erinn. She missed Joe. JT: "so, do y'all have an alliance out here? Hmmmmm, maybe for a little sex I can help y'all out little lady".
JT goes to his OTHER alliance and asks Taj and Stephen what they would think about an alliance with him and Erinn.
Reward Challenge: thanks god, that whole alliance shit was testing my sobriety. In yet another blatant attack on Ceramic Artists, survivors are split into teams of 3 (Coach, Taj and Tyson; Stephen, Erin and Sierra; Debbie, JT and Brendan) and take turns throwing bean bags through ceramic tiles. Seriously, I think this game was called connect 4 when I was a kid.
Wanna know what you're playing for? White water rafting and a picnic. No toilet though . You also get to send one person to exile.
Team Coach is first out. So, Coach just stands around looking bored and pissed the rest of the time. Team Stephen is out next meaning Debbie, JT and Brendan win reward. They send Stephen back to exile.
Cut to Stephen at exile. Stephen manages to build a fire which takes about 2 hours. Poor Stephen, doesn't have his brokeback mountain buddy. Apparently this time he spends 2 nights on exile.
Reward: rafting and food. While Debbie takes a walk, Brendan ask JT if anyone has approached him to be in an alliance. This guy is working the stupid hick thing like a champ. Brendan thinks his chances lie with JT.
Back at camp next morning, Brendan stayed up all night trying to figure out how to not lose. He decides he wants to bring JT into his alliance. He talks to Sierra who is a little hot for JT and wants to keep him around. Brendan lays out the plan. “Take out Tyson, Coach and Erinn,” He presents the idea to Taj who just wants to keep Jalapeno around as long as possible.
Hey, is Taj really a former pop star??
Challenge: it's some complicated rope mess. You are attached to a rope and have to navigate through a maze. There are 2 stages. It is friggin lame.
Stage 1: JT, Tyson and Brendan win. Coach, Mr I-got-out-of-the-amazon-alive comes in about last.
Stage 2: Tyson wins immunity.
Ok, Tyson kind of creeps me out. He looks like one of the lost boys from said mentioned Captain Hook movie. Coach wants to split the vote between Brendan and Sierra so if one of them plays the idol, the other goes. Which is Tyson's plan from last week...
Brendan wants Coach and talks to Sierra, JT, Taj and Stephen about it.
Tribal: Jeff has apparently been briefed by the camera crew cause he starts right off with "so, who tells the best campfire stories". LOL.
Coach has his samuri hair tonight. Jeff is in pale green. It's a good color for him.
TAJ: Coach tells the best campfire stories.
Jeff: Really?? Do tell.
Coach: I actually toned the story down to make it PG. The dwarfs really wanted to eat my ahole. LMFAO. uhuh.
Coach: I've had 6-8 life or death situations, Jeff. Been in a hurricane, attacked by a shark, and a croc, the Indian tribe capture... WOW, who knew how friggin stressful being a concert conductor could be!
Jeff: Coach, are you still confident?
Jeff: Tyson, how big is trust??
Taj: JT is a triple threat, Jeff.
Jeff: Taj-do you have the idol? Stephen? Brendan? "Yes, Jeff, I have the idol"
Time to vote.
Coach gets 2 votes (Sierra and Brendan)
Sierra gets 3 ( JT, Tyson and Erin)
Brendan gets 4 votes ( Coach, Debbie, Taj, Stephen).
Brendan is voted off. Damn, I was hoping Coach was going but, why ruin the party now??
Friday, April 17, 2009
Survivor Week 7
Welcome to the I Hate Coach weekly update. Brought to you by Charmin.
This week, surprise surprise, we start with Coach. He's doing yoga down at the beach with Carl Orff's Carmina Burana playing in the background. And, yes, you all should be impressed that not only did I know the music, I knew the composer. haha, not just a pretty face with a fabulous sense of humor now, am I?? Coach and I are kindred spirits, renaissance women if you will.
So, Coach is yoga'd out and has the realization DING "this is about me now". Lol, as if this is new in his life. He decides to be Mr. Nice Guy and gives backrubs. Cut to Brendan bagging on Coach saying he "started the whole samari hair thing" with his little pony tale.
Joe has a leg infection from the nasty germs in Brazil.
Tree Mail: something about your head spinning, but really it's a merge and a feast. Coach " the merge is like getting a new girlfriend, lots of new things to explore". Yea, you don't know whether to try on her shoes or her underwear first. They eat and drink but Coach eats standing up which I think is really weird. Maybe it's from a whole 'eating standing up in the Amazon' flashback.
They all go back to Timburra's camp. JT wants to know what's up with the dog house shelter. Debbie: "do y'all want a tour", like it's a new McMansion. I thought the tour would be all, I shit there, Sierra shits here and Coach just shits wherever he wants.
Coach and JT go down to the fishing hole. Coach suddenly likes fishing-fly fishing to be exact. Loves "the art of the cast". What a friggin idiot. Coach wants to bond with JT cause he's a lawyer and an intellectual. JT is smarter than his redneck image cause he right away asks Coach if it's true that Brendan is in charge? That gets up Coach's ASS which is exactly what JT wanted. JT eludes that Brendan must have the idol since he didn't share clues with Taj.
Coach goes to Tyson and tells him, "Brendan has the idol". Tyson talks to Stephen, wants help getting Brendan out. And, as quickly as that, Timbura falls apart as a tribe.
JT and Tyson are fishing. Tyson tells JT he wants Brendan out. Debbie and Tyson go for "wood". Which is more about talking smack about everyone than the porn reference I thought it meant. Not to be left out, Taj and Stephan are upset that Sierra and Brendan didn't run right over and hug them and say, "hey, immunity idol buddies". Brendan is obviously too smart for that, wants it to be low key.
Erinn and Joe talk. Seriously, I think there was something in the feast that made everyone talk a lot. She never looked for the idol after they left exhale. Joe has to show her what the clue meant, even though it is the lamest clue in Survivor history. They go to tree mail, no idol. They assume Brendan and Sierra have it.
Oh, they rename themselves Forza Tribe cause someone thinks Forza means strength or something in brazillian.
Challenge time. Whoa, maybe it's my beer goggles but Jeff is looking so freakin sexy. Seriously! I would say he looked so hot that my husband might even have gotten lucky that night but I wouldn't want to upset Becky and Mary with that visual image.
Man, he is so freakin hot that I can't remember what the challenge is. Oh yea, pole humping. Climb up onto a pole and hump it as long as possible. Or something like that. Maybe I just have humping on the brain. Stephen is first out, followed by Joe (to which I said to the TV, "Hey Jeff, you might want to get medical to look at Joe's red puss filled leg), then Brendan, Taj, Erinn, JT, Coach, and Sierra which leaves Debbie and the barefooted Tyson. Someone says something funny and Debbie is out. Tyson wins immunity.
Since Jeff and I have a special bond, he calls medical over to look at Joe's let. I think it's the same australian medical chick as before. She tells Joe that he has an infection, and if it doesn't go away he could lose everything but his head. Seriously, it was wicked scare tactic, also known as "limited liability 101".
Back on Forza, the are all standing under a huge patio umbrella which I have no idea where it came from. Man, that was bad sentence structure. Anyway, maybe they stole it after the feast.
And, now, it all goes freakin CRAZY with alliances, cross alliances, sideways alliances, and I would like to do a John Madden on the screen so I can keep track of all of the alliances going on. Somehow Stephen and JT come up with a vote split between Sierra and Brendan in case Brendan plays the idol. Are they turning against their alliance??
Coach calls himself the dragon slayer cause it's all his idea. Whatever.
Jeff shows up at camp, without his baseball hat and with just out of the shower hair. OMGZ. So freakin hot. Joe is leaving the game cause they don't have a syringe of antibiotics to shoot into his ass. Or something like that. Actually I think Joe and the medic chick are hooking up. Anyway, no tribal council.
This week, surprise surprise, we start with Coach. He's doing yoga down at the beach with Carl Orff's Carmina Burana playing in the background. And, yes, you all should be impressed that not only did I know the music, I knew the composer. haha, not just a pretty face with a fabulous sense of humor now, am I?? Coach and I are kindred spirits, renaissance women if you will.
So, Coach is yoga'd out and has the realization DING "this is about me now". Lol, as if this is new in his life. He decides to be Mr. Nice Guy and gives backrubs. Cut to Brendan bagging on Coach saying he "started the whole samari hair thing" with his little pony tale.
Joe has a leg infection from the nasty germs in Brazil.
Tree Mail: something about your head spinning, but really it's a merge and a feast. Coach " the merge is like getting a new girlfriend, lots of new things to explore". Yea, you don't know whether to try on her shoes or her underwear first. They eat and drink but Coach eats standing up which I think is really weird. Maybe it's from a whole 'eating standing up in the Amazon' flashback.
They all go back to Timburra's camp. JT wants to know what's up with the dog house shelter. Debbie: "do y'all want a tour", like it's a new McMansion. I thought the tour would be all, I shit there, Sierra shits here and Coach just shits wherever he wants.
Coach and JT go down to the fishing hole. Coach suddenly likes fishing-fly fishing to be exact. Loves "the art of the cast". What a friggin idiot. Coach wants to bond with JT cause he's a lawyer and an intellectual. JT is smarter than his redneck image cause he right away asks Coach if it's true that Brendan is in charge? That gets up Coach's ASS which is exactly what JT wanted. JT eludes that Brendan must have the idol since he didn't share clues with Taj.
Coach goes to Tyson and tells him, "Brendan has the idol". Tyson talks to Stephen, wants help getting Brendan out. And, as quickly as that, Timbura falls apart as a tribe.
JT and Tyson are fishing. Tyson tells JT he wants Brendan out. Debbie and Tyson go for "wood". Which is more about talking smack about everyone than the porn reference I thought it meant. Not to be left out, Taj and Stephan are upset that Sierra and Brendan didn't run right over and hug them and say, "hey, immunity idol buddies". Brendan is obviously too smart for that, wants it to be low key.
Erinn and Joe talk. Seriously, I think there was something in the feast that made everyone talk a lot. She never looked for the idol after they left exhale. Joe has to show her what the clue meant, even though it is the lamest clue in Survivor history. They go to tree mail, no idol. They assume Brendan and Sierra have it.
Oh, they rename themselves Forza Tribe cause someone thinks Forza means strength or something in brazillian.
Challenge time. Whoa, maybe it's my beer goggles but Jeff is looking so freakin sexy. Seriously! I would say he looked so hot that my husband might even have gotten lucky that night but I wouldn't want to upset Becky and Mary with that visual image.
Man, he is so freakin hot that I can't remember what the challenge is. Oh yea, pole humping. Climb up onto a pole and hump it as long as possible. Or something like that. Maybe I just have humping on the brain. Stephen is first out, followed by Joe (to which I said to the TV, "Hey Jeff, you might want to get medical to look at Joe's red puss filled leg), then Brendan, Taj, Erinn, JT, Coach, and Sierra which leaves Debbie and the barefooted Tyson. Someone says something funny and Debbie is out. Tyson wins immunity.
Since Jeff and I have a special bond, he calls medical over to look at Joe's let. I think it's the same australian medical chick as before. She tells Joe that he has an infection, and if it doesn't go away he could lose everything but his head. Seriously, it was wicked scare tactic, also known as "limited liability 101".
Back on Forza, the are all standing under a huge patio umbrella which I have no idea where it came from. Man, that was bad sentence structure. Anyway, maybe they stole it after the feast.
And, now, it all goes freakin CRAZY with alliances, cross alliances, sideways alliances, and I would like to do a John Madden on the screen so I can keep track of all of the alliances going on. Somehow Stephen and JT come up with a vote split between Sierra and Brendan in case Brendan plays the idol. Are they turning against their alliance??
Coach calls himself the dragon slayer cause it's all his idea. Whatever.
Jeff shows up at camp, without his baseball hat and with just out of the shower hair. OMGZ. So freakin hot. Joe is leaving the game cause they don't have a syringe of antibiotics to shoot into his ass. Or something like that. Actually I think Joe and the medic chick are hooking up. Anyway, no tribal council.
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