Spring 09 Race: Weeks 7 and 8

Whoah. Been a while!! Anyone miss me last week? Good thing my poolster contract allows me to miss one update before it effects my grade.

Week 7 in a nutshell: Fly to Phuket, Thailand, find a giant gorilla statue in the zoo. Gays go to the beach. Have your picture taken with a tiger, get walked on by an elephant. Find a clue in an herb shop. Do not stop and smoke herb. Chose between filling barrels or riding in a rickshaw. DO NOT SABOTAGE THE EQUIPMENT. Mini's hide the pumps for the rickshaws. Bad. Gays are still at the beach. Mini-men arrive first but get bitch-slapped by Phil, get 2 30-minute penalties. Wicked Smart Asians come in first-get a trip to Oahu from Travelocity (ding). NFL's arrive second, then mini's are checked in by Phil who is still looking for an ass kicking. Deaf-N-Mom have trouble. It's really hot in Thailand. Mom faints at the pit. They are team #4. Phil is into hot mammas cause he gets her an ambulance and a bottle of water. Sistas spend a lot of the episode-surprise-lost. They are team #5. Gays decide to take their shirts off and pick up Thai men on the beach instead of playing this stupid race game. Both score. Phil finds them later that night at a public bath, tells them they are eliminated. Gets in the Bath with them and their dates, Raul and Jeffrey. Mom joins them. Ok.

Are y'all happy now? Can we go on to week 8??

So, we're at some temple in Phuket, Thailand. Teams have to fly to Bangkok, which always sounds dirty to me. One of the NFL chicks is totally PMSing. She doesn't believe the pink taxi is a taxi. Calls the police over. Yells at the driver to shut up and stop talking to the police. THEN THEY GET IN THE CAB AND LET HIM DRIVE AWAY WITH THEM. Seriously, I expected to segue right into an episode of CSI:Bangkok.

First flight on Thai air is at 7:25am. All end up on the same flight. They have to take a taxi to the boatyard (apparently there is only one). Sistas driver gets wrong directions. Big friggin shock there.

Roadblock: Who wants to propel their team forward? One person has to screw on a propeller. Once that is approved by a really CRACK overseer who, basically, looks at it and shakes his head, teams have to navigate through the canals of Bangkok with the driver using the cocktail stirrer with the propeller. AND HERE TEAMS MAKE STUPID DECISIONS.

For some reason, the Sistas and the Mini's leave their bags in the taxi thinking they are coming back. Sistas even leave their shoes and friggin fanny packs. Stupid. The canal takes them quite a ways away.

Detour. Teams have to chose between broken teeth or broken record. In broken teeth, they make their way to the "street of happy smiles", which isn't what I was thinking it was going to be, and then have to match dentures to 5 people, fishing then out of a bowl and inserting them until they find the right match. Disgusting. Teams get to wear gloves and glasses to protect them from the massive amounts of parasites and HIV particles in the mouths. Mom and Deaf chose this route.

In broken record, teams have to take a party cab with a couple of really ugly "party girls" ("how much for bang bang??") and sing Thai karaoke. Seriously, this just has hell written all over it.

Mini men are freaked out about their stuff. The better looking one wants to forget their stuff and go on. The other one wants his personal stuff. He was so adamant that I am sure he had Preparation H in his bag. They try for a water taxi but that's too far. They find a taxi from the same company, and arrange for their driver to bring them their stuff. Tweedle dee wants to go do the detour and have the cab meet them in Chinatown, but Tweedle dum wants his Prep H first. Big fight ensues. They decide to take the cab back to the other cab and get their stuff. That costs 400 rupees or whatever they use in Thailand.

The sistas decide to go ahead and do the detour and then worry about their stuff. Well, one decides that, the other is freaked out the whole way. One sista is running around Thailand barefoot. Ugh. That is nasty. Seriously, I've taken parasitology and the route of infection is like, 75% through the feet.

NFL and wicked smart Asians do the party taxi. Some of these party girls need to go over to the street of smiles. Lots of teeth missing.

Back at the dentures, Deaf dude is groaning and grunting and putting bottom plates in the top of people's mouths while his mom kicks ass and slams 4 dentures in. Seriously if they don't win the million, and Phil goes back with his wife, she has a standing offer to work in the dental mines. They finish and make their way to the pit stop -Phiya Thai Palace (I wonder if they have that coconut soup with the chicken?) where they are met by loverboy and a dude with a parrot. The parrot says hello. Phil says, "hey momma how's it hanging? You and the silent kid are team #1. You have won a trip to San Juan. We can leave the kid in an airport locker-who's he going to tell??"

The sistas are in the parteey cab. One of them is convinced the party girls are transvestites. The sistas finish and can't find their taxi. Have to get someone to take them for nothing. Fortunately, the people of Thailand are either 1) very generous or 2) scared to DEATH of two big black chicks.

NFLs are team #2. The Asians and the Sistas are in a footrace for the mat. Sistas are first followed by Asians. Sistas are team #3 BUT Phil can't check them in cause they don't have their travel documents. The Wicked Smart Asians look at them with disdain cause they ALWAYS follow the rules.

The mini men get back to the boatyard. See that there is another cab waiting. They get their stuff and take a cab back to Chinatown to do the detour. They don't have enough money and give the driver a flashlight and compass. Apparently it's bad luck in Thailand to not barter with dwarfs. MIni-men do the party taxi. They then take a cab to the pit, paying this driver with a watch. They are team #4 BUT Phil is really really mad now. Like, really. They incur 2 2-hour penalties for breaking the rule against using personal possessions. Funny, you can't trade a watch but you can sleep with the host to come in team #1.

The Sistas go back and get their bags, find their travel documents and money and make their way back to the pit. Phil checks them in as the real team #4. He then calls the mini-men over to tell them that it's not an elimination leg BUT the 4 hour penalty is added onto their departure time, and they will have a speedbump. And, if they break another rule, he will seriously f them up.

1. Margie & Luke: Maureen and Amy
2. Jaime & Cara: Terri
3. Tammy & Victor : John
4. Kisha & Jen: Matt and Kevin
5. Mark & Michael: Karen

Off
11. Preston & Jennifer: Becky and Mary
10. Steve & Linda: Jeff and Eileen
9. Brad & Victoria: Donna
8. Amanda & Kris: Elayne
7. Christie & Jodi: Ginnie
6. Mel & Mike: Joanne