Yo, Day 16 and some of these girls are getting kind of mangy looking. Like, a couple of them have the dreaded "thighs don't touch at the top of the leg" disease. Nasty. What man is going to for that look?
Galout is without their leader, GoodRussell. The men do the math and figure out they would be better off with Shamwow on their side. They rig a vote for a new leader, and before the girls can figure out what happened, Shamwow is chosen as the new leader. She gives a really heartwarming speech, about the military, apple pie and not making 90210 get up before 9am. The boys are happy but Dave says, "Shamwow is so dim, she could still screw it up."
Over of F2, Etroll is all happy cause 5 people is almost the same as 8...
Challenge: It's a memory game. 13 pairs of matching items are on little tables with cute little straw hats on them. Teams have to match the items, uncovering 2 at a time. You either get to keep the item or you get a point. Etroll goes, John, Jaison and then Laura gets the first match which is a Romco Fire Starter Kit, wrapped in a tarp. Galout keeps the item. The keep going along. and it's so friggin boring even Survivor has to speed it up. Etroll is getting all confused. End of the day, Galout wins reward, a sail and lunch. Shamwow sends Laura to F2.
Cut to Kelly for the best line of the season: "It's like Sham was raised in a trailor park, married the rich guy in town and is now driving around in a jaguar". Hmmmm, which of course makes me thing Kelly was raised in a trailor park and has a little bit of experience with jealousy.
On F2, everyone is all friendly to Laura. Etroll invites her into his web, I mean to go get crabs (god, I was really scared for a minute here). Laura says to him, "so you have twins" , which is the first I have heard it. Etroll goes on to tell her his daddy is a minister and, GOSH Laura is a theology student, although she doesn't believe in "women being ministers". She does apparently believe in lady ministers walking around half naked on cbs. Etroll offers her an alliance when the two tribes join, cause they are both "good christians". He also lies to her about Ben finding and then hiding the idol, just like any good christian would do.
Galout goes off to their reward, and OMFG, it's the ship from Pirate Master, Jesus, please tell me no one is gonna be put on the black spot today and have to prove why they should not walk the lame ass plank. They get beef stew, bread and, according to Dave who I SWEAR is light in the loafers, "some really lovely scones".
On F2, Liz is trying to look busy but has to listen to Laura and Natalie discuss inspirational christian literature. Liz doesn't like the spiritual book of the month club and tells Etroll all about it.
Immunity Challenge: Jeff is in blue of course but his pants either got wet or he has a bladder condition. Hmmmm. Don't know if I could go with a man who wears depends, no matter how cute the dimples. Paddle out in the water, "fish" for wooden fish (dude, is this like a Child Learning Center game??) and then, wait for it, DO A PUZZLE.
Ok, so first of all F2 has no leadership necklace on, and Jeff asks about it cause his mom gets paid $50K a season to craft this shit up. They left it back at the tribe because they think it has bad juju. Then the fish are in such shallow water that both teams just walk their boats out to them instead of paddling. Lame ass. F2 gets all of their "fish" first and paddle in. Galout is following behind but kicking ass on the paddling. Jaison basically gives up.
It's rainbow fish! And, oh how FRIGGIN cute, their tails form a little pattern. Dave must be wetting himself. Galout wins immunity AGAIN. This time under Shamwow's steady leadership.
Back on F2, Etroll's giddy happy spirit of the morning has left him. "These idiots are gonna cost me $1 million." He wants Jaison gone, until Liz wants Jaison gone, then he apparently changes his mind. Liz is feeling pretty safe,
Tribal, Jeff is in medium blue.
Jeff: you have lost 8 out of 10 challenges making you the worst overall team in Survivor history (which I disagree with cause wasn't there a tribe that went down to 2 members before a merge??).
Natalie: no use getting negative Jeff
Etroll: "Do you still wake up thinking today's the day"? Oh yea, Jeff, we're just waiting for the merge to start kicking ass
Liz: "Do you trust these aholes?" Of course Jeff, cause I am one of them
Mick: "You stupid too?" Oh yes, Jeff, I loves me my team
Etroll;" Is it hard to vote someone off if you are all so tight?" Oh yes, Jeff, we're very tight. And we're gonna be an tighter 4.
Jaison: "Wassup? You look like you think these people are aholes" Why yes, Jeff, I secretely cannot stand these aholes, and in fact,I lame assed it in the challenge hoping they would vote me out of this hell.
Time to vote. Liz is out. SURPRISE!!
F2
Jaison Kim
Mick Wendy
Russell Donna
Natalie Carolyn
Galout
Brett Pam
Dave Amy
Erik Terri
John Joanne
Kelly Kevin and Matt
Laura Kelly
Monica Stacey
Shamwow Jeff and Eileen
Gone:
Marisa Ginnie
Mike Karen and John
Betsy Becky and Mary
Ben Nancy D
Yasmin Elayne
Ashley Tess
Russell S Lori
Elizabeth Leslie
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Survivor Samoa Week 6
Yo, today's update is brought to you by DayQuil. Let's see if it is funnier than usual!
Usual rehash, Ashley is gone. It's raining, and to prove it's wet, let's show some skank wrinkled feet. Niiiice. Everyone has hut fever.
Jaison is miserable. Man, this dude better suck it up. He would die in the hood. ETroll loves the weather, loves everyone being miserable. Loves loves loves it. I think if I were there I would kill Etroll, skin him and everyone could stay nice and cozy under his skin. Mmmm, lots of whale blubber for the oil lamps too.
Awww, thanks Jeff!!! He included pictures of our snorkeling trip. God, y'all should have seen Jeff in his Speedo. Yowza!!
Galout: So, now 90210 wishes they had that Eddie Bauer tarp instead of these wet nasty pillows and blankets. Damn that GoodRussell for thinking of us! And, why is GoodRussell out there doing all the work? He's making us look bad. "It's a bit unnecessary". Yea, cause the fire will keep itself lit, kids.
FF: Mick is basically laying inside the Keebler idol tree to stay dry. Etroll, who loves the rain, calls his whole team "worthless". "Where they from, NY City??" Lots o' misery.
Cue Maureen McGovern, "there's got to be a morning aaaaaaaafter". Galout wakes up to a double rainbow. They all stumble out onto the beach as the clouds part, and sunshine shoots out of their asses. It's really moving,
Challenge: Jeff is in baby blue. Today's challenge: one member of the tribe will be strapped into a bamboo gerbil ball, while 2 other members are blindfolded and roll the ball down towards...shit, a game board. The seeing person gets to yell directions. Wanna know what you're playing for? OOOH, THE NEW LEOPARD SNUGGIE??? Nope, hot pizza. Hot cause there are freakin brick ovens in the jungles of Samoa. Um, Jeff, can one of those be veggie? No, damnit. And, there is gonna be a double elimination tonight, with the winning team watching the losing team's tribal therapy session while eating their HOT pizza. (Note: the HOT is just another of our little secret messages. So cute).
For Galout, Laura is in the ball, with Erik and GoodRussell rollin'. FF has Liz the crafty Asian in the ball with Etroll and Jaison rollin'. Ok, so they are rolling. It's kinda interesting but I would have barfed long ago. FF is doing really well, they get lost once but cut in front of Galout. Galout gets to the gay table maze first but Liz is upside down.
Galout gets kinda lost in the weeds, and finally they get Laura in place but GoodRussell is totally exhausted. He's weaving. In fact, he has lays his head on the game board before falling down.
Game stops. Medical! GoodRussell is down with that dreaded low blood pressure. Probster declares the challenge over with no winner (cause they now have to give the pizza to Medical as payment) but both tribes still have to go to tribal. Everyone leaves. Russell lays there kinda out of it while Jeff, my love, eulogizes him. It was kinda sweet and kinda freaky actually. But, still hot.
It's Home Alone over on Galout without Russell there to tell them to breathe in and out.
Oooh, more underwater shots. This time of circling sharks. Da dum...da dum...
Natalie and Liz decide they should both pack their bags. Etroll wants Liz gone. Not so sure on how this is gonna come out.
Galout: Shamwow is trying to hang with the cool girls and they treat her like the cootie ridden hag she is. She asks them not to write her name down and they are like, "um, yea, haven't really thought that through yet". She goes on and on about how she made the fire for the first 8 days, which does nothing for these biatches. Monica's all torqued cause Shamwow wrote her name down last time.
Over on the boys side, they think Monica is the weakest girl. Plus, no one really wants to do her (cause you know that's what they really mean). They like Shamwow cause she's manly. Plus she has no alliances and no power. The men are gunning for Monica to break up the Monica-Laura relationship. Shamwow asks them how to vote. They don't trust her but tell her to wink wink vote consistently with your last vote. She asks them all and finally gets it that she should vote for Monica. "But, lock it up, Sham".
Joint Tribal! Jeff is still in the blue. He explains that GoodRussell will not be coming back. Jeff says he was very scared by Russell. POOR JEFF. Everyone is SAAAAAD about Russell. Just SAAAADDD on and on with the damn SAAAAADDDD. Christ.
Shamwow: why not quit? I am not a quitter, Jeff
Dave: What's the status? Well, Jeff, Galout is clearly ahead
EvilTroll: What's the attitude on FF? Fine, we're ready now to start kicking ass
Mick: Does today's challenge feel like a moral victory? (me: MORAL VICTORY??? are we overblowing the importance of Survivor just a bit, honey??) Yes, we are back
Erik: Does it concern you that they think they won today? No, still a bunch of p(bleeeeep)sies
Psych! No vote, no one else is going home tonight. Etroll: "This is the turning point of the game". GAME ON!
Foa Foa
Jaison Kim
Mick Wendy
Russell H Donna
Marisa Ginnie
Elizabeth Leslie
Natalie Carolyn
Galu
Brett Pam
Dave Amy
Erik Terri
John Joanne
Kelly Kevin and Matt
Laura Kelly
Monica Stacey
Shamwow Jeff and Eileen
Gone:
Marisa Ginnie
Mike Karen and John
Betsy Becky and Mary
Ben Nancy D
Yasmin Elayne
Ashley Tess
Russell S Lori
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Survivor Samoa Week 4
Yo, did you hear there was another earthquake on Samoa, during next season's filming of Survivor 20?? Anyone else notice I was away then?? Baby, if this island is a rocking, don't bother knocking.
Ok, so last week Jaison was just wrung out about the tribal council. He's also hungry and tired and thinks going on Survivor was "the worst decision of my life". He vents to E-troll, who tries to cheer him up (as if...), but when Jaison fails to respond to his lucky charms, E-troll wants him gone. Hmmm, anger management problem or what?? E-troll: "Whoever I want to go it gone. It's all under my dwarf like thumb".
Shamwow goes back to camp 90210, wishing she were over at Foa squared. Man, she really is a military girl if she would rather be in that war zone! She and Erik talk about the idol on F2, and decide if there's one on F2 there might be one in the same location of Galout. John gets in on it too and she shares all of her info with them.
Tree mail: send 2 members of each tribe for a quest. E-troll, Mick and Natalie go for F2, GoodRussell, Dave and Shamwow for Galout. WTF??? They get there and there is NO JEFF. waaaaaahhhhhhhh. So, no Probster but a cage of chickens and a pirate chest. Holy shit, they found the beach where Pirate Master was filmed. I just had a seizure thinking about how MOST OF YOU PEOPLE BAILED AND MADE ME FINISH WATCHING THAT DOG. Shamwow, thinking out loud, says, I wonder if we are supposed to just go ahead without Jeff? I don't know, Shamwow, how about we ask the cameramen and the entire fricken crew?? Shamwow runs to the chickens, while everyone else runs for the pirate chest. While Shamwow is busy petting the FOOD, everyone else finds a chest of bocce balls and a note. Hmmmm, is bocce indigenous to Samoa?? It's basically horseshoes with balls.
F2 is in the lead throughout the challenge until the balls. E-troll is all arrogant and shit. He rolls his ball closest. Dave focuses for a sec then tosses the final ball, which lands right up against the stick – Galout wins reward. “It’s so ludicrous that we can’t even pull off freakin’ bocce ball,” Mick pouts.
Back at Galout, Erik gets everyone working and goes looking for the idol. He finds it and swears to not tell a soul about it. The bocce victors return with the chickens, which Shamwow says she will take care of due to her farming experience. Yea, 5 seconds later she loses one. Everyone runs around chasing the chicken, including Erik who trips on a closeline (yes, I did laugh). The chicken flies into a tree, and Shamwow is amazed that the chickens can fly. Me too, cause the ones at Acme NEVER fly.
Storm time, and E-troll is tired of Jaison. He decides to take Natalie, aka Pharma Barbie, to the end cause she's too stupid.
Galout: the girls are all tired of Yasmean.
Immunity Challenge WITH JEFF!!!! Wooooo hooooo. In baby blue. Mmmmmmm.
Ok, the challenge is a block stacking kindergarten thingy. Tribes will race across a net run carrying wooden blocks. When they reach a platform, they stack the blocks . Then across a rope bridge to another platform with...more blocks. Stack these even higher. The first tribe to get both stacks completed wins immunity. Galout is kicking ass until Monica blows the lead at the rope bridge thingy. It's dead even until Kelly drops her last 2 blocks and Pharma Barbie gets hers stacked. Foa wins immunity!
Galout has to vote someone out. GoodRussell lobbies for Monica cause she sucked it at the challenge. Dave, Monica and Laura want Yasmean out cause she's lazy and annoying. Shamwow and Yasmean talk and Yasmean starts telling Sham that she's in trouble cause she lost the chicken. Erik joins Kelly, Dave, John and Brett, and is surprised that they want to get rid of Yasmean instead of Monica. Right before tribal, GoodRussell finds out they all want Yasmean.
Tribal:
Brett is on Yasmean about being lazy, she says she does whatever she's told. Russell says performance at challenges is how they should decide. Monica defends her performance. The vote. Yasmean is out. Damn it. I could used that money :)
Foa Foa
Jaison Kim
Mick Wendy
Russell H Donna
Marisa Ginnie
Elizabeth Leslie
Natalie Carolyn
Ashley Tess
Galu
Brett Pam
Dave Amy
Erik Terri
John Joanne
Kelly Kevin and Matt
Laura Kelly
Monica Stacey
Russell S Lori
Shamwow Jeff and Eileen
Gone:
Marisa Ginnie
Mike Karen and John
Betsy Becky and Mary
Ben Nancy D
Yasmin Elayne
Ok, so last week Jaison was just wrung out about the tribal council. He's also hungry and tired and thinks going on Survivor was "the worst decision of my life". He vents to E-troll, who tries to cheer him up (as if...), but when Jaison fails to respond to his lucky charms, E-troll wants him gone. Hmmm, anger management problem or what?? E-troll: "Whoever I want to go it gone. It's all under my dwarf like thumb".
Shamwow goes back to camp 90210, wishing she were over at Foa squared. Man, she really is a military girl if she would rather be in that war zone! She and Erik talk about the idol on F2, and decide if there's one on F2 there might be one in the same location of Galout. John gets in on it too and she shares all of her info with them.
Tree mail: send 2 members of each tribe for a quest. E-troll, Mick and Natalie go for F2, GoodRussell, Dave and Shamwow for Galout. WTF??? They get there and there is NO JEFF. waaaaaahhhhhhhh. So, no Probster but a cage of chickens and a pirate chest. Holy shit, they found the beach where Pirate Master was filmed. I just had a seizure thinking about how MOST OF YOU PEOPLE BAILED AND MADE ME FINISH WATCHING THAT DOG. Shamwow, thinking out loud, says, I wonder if we are supposed to just go ahead without Jeff? I don't know, Shamwow, how about we ask the cameramen and the entire fricken crew?? Shamwow runs to the chickens, while everyone else runs for the pirate chest. While Shamwow is busy petting the FOOD, everyone else finds a chest of bocce balls and a note. Hmmmm, is bocce indigenous to Samoa?? It's basically horseshoes with balls.
F2 is in the lead throughout the challenge until the balls. E-troll is all arrogant and shit. He rolls his ball closest. Dave focuses for a sec then tosses the final ball, which lands right up against the stick – Galout wins reward. “It’s so ludicrous that we can’t even pull off freakin’ bocce ball,” Mick pouts.
Back at Galout, Erik gets everyone working and goes looking for the idol. He finds it and swears to not tell a soul about it. The bocce victors return with the chickens, which Shamwow says she will take care of due to her farming experience. Yea, 5 seconds later she loses one. Everyone runs around chasing the chicken, including Erik who trips on a closeline (yes, I did laugh). The chicken flies into a tree, and Shamwow is amazed that the chickens can fly. Me too, cause the ones at Acme NEVER fly.
Storm time, and E-troll is tired of Jaison. He decides to take Natalie, aka Pharma Barbie, to the end cause she's too stupid.
Galout: the girls are all tired of Yasmean.
Immunity Challenge WITH JEFF!!!! Wooooo hooooo. In baby blue. Mmmmmmm.
Ok, the challenge is a block stacking kindergarten thingy. Tribes will race across a net run carrying wooden blocks. When they reach a platform, they stack the blocks . Then across a rope bridge to another platform with...more blocks. Stack these even higher. The first tribe to get both stacks completed wins immunity. Galout is kicking ass until Monica blows the lead at the rope bridge thingy. It's dead even until Kelly drops her last 2 blocks and Pharma Barbie gets hers stacked. Foa wins immunity!
Galout has to vote someone out. GoodRussell lobbies for Monica cause she sucked it at the challenge. Dave, Monica and Laura want Yasmean out cause she's lazy and annoying. Shamwow and Yasmean talk and Yasmean starts telling Sham that she's in trouble cause she lost the chicken. Erik joins Kelly, Dave, John and Brett, and is surprised that they want to get rid of Yasmean instead of Monica. Right before tribal, GoodRussell finds out they all want Yasmean.
Tribal:
Brett is on Yasmean about being lazy, she says she does whatever she's told. Russell says performance at challenges is how they should decide. Monica defends her performance. The vote. Yasmean is out. Damn it. I could used that money :)
Foa Foa
Jaison Kim
Mick Wendy
Russell H Donna
Marisa Ginnie
Elizabeth Leslie
Natalie Carolyn
Ashley Tess
Galu
Brett Pam
Dave Amy
Erik Terri
John Joanne
Kelly Kevin and Matt
Laura Kelly
Monica Stacey
Russell S Lori
Shamwow Jeff and Eileen
Gone:
Marisa Ginnie
Mike Karen and John
Betsy Becky and Mary
Ben Nancy D
Yasmin Elayne
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Survivor Samoa: Week 3
Yo, and welcome to another fine update from Survivor: Post-racial America, where a dumb ass southern cracker isn't allowed to act like a dumb ass southern cracker. Oh, apologies to those of you who live below the mason dixon line. Ima gonna type slow for ya.
Again, don't expect to read anything on Galout, cause, well, they don't have the evil sausage man on their side. Nothing funny about watching doves fly out of everyone's butt. Oh, and speaking of that, I am also not going to discuss the "did you poop" conversation. Cause this is a high brow update.
Jaison and Mick have it out for Ben from the get go. "He's a mental plague". Me thinks they are a pair of those intellectual elites we're always hearing about lately. Danger!!
The evil troll is asking his long hair blonde bimbo who she thinks should go next. She doesn't know or, could it be?? She's smart enough to keep her mouth shut? She's a hairstylist too, just like Yasmean. Snap, I'm hoping for a haircut challenge! The E-troll continues his one-on-one rants: "Ima have them all under my control like zombies". I'm guessing he didn't get enough love as a child.
Sticking with F2, Ben is making fire. He's a big fire maker. He tells everyone that he is the only one who should make fire cause they are almost out of flint. WTF?? In 19 seasons of Survivor I don't believe there was ever a time when they ran out of flint. Not even the time they actually almost starved and had to dive into a rain swollen river for a bag of rice a roni. Like, it's not like that strip on the side of the box of 25 matches that wears out after the 18th match (you can laugh but pay attention next time).
Ooooh, wait!! A glimpse of life on Galout. Oh, Christ, it's yoga time. Shamwow hates yoga. It's communism. Or socialism. Whatever, they're both the same anyway. God damn kids and their yoga. I'll show 'em what a downward dog means in the military.
Back on F2. E-troll wants Ben to stay. Cause they are soulmates and he's hoping they can exchange emails after the show. E-troll tells Ben Ashley wants him gone. E-troll want Ashley gone. Wait, is it me or did he make an alliance with all of the people he wants to eliminate first? Dude, you try to keeeeeep the people you are in an alliance with longer. That's the point of forming an alliance. Oh, E-troll loves to get people fighting, loves it. "Everybody trusts me". Famous last words as the blondes put their little blonde heads together...
Tree mail! Oh, it's from Lands End and contains their bathing suits. Shamwow is stoked cause she got her size XXL Champion Sports Bra.
Challenge (and, I'm going out on a limb and thinking water is gonna be involved). Jeff is in Light Blue. Hotter than the cheese inside a hot pocket. It's a swim/battle zone. Cause that whole beat the crap out of each other went over so well last time. But, this time, JEFF OFFERS A STERN WARNING. Two from each team "swim" out and retrieve puzzle crates (ACK!!) but, they have to get through a scrappy opponent. Expect lots of pixilation!! Wanna know what you're playing for? Actually another opportunity for the crew to watch some girl on girl actual (with Asian!!) but we're gonna tell you immunity and either useful stuff or pillows from the Ty Pennington collection at Sears (ding).
Ok, Ben sucks and can't stop anyone. Oh my god. I almost spit my vodka out as John and Dave run out holding hands in THE MOST GAY SWIMSUITS ever on Survivor. Seriously. And, they match!! I was so grossed out that I basically missed the challenge or the point of the crates. But, big surprise, Galout wins immunity!! GoodRussell gets to chose either the really useful stuff or the pillows. He takes the pillows cause he wants to "take care of his ladies". Very Marvin Gaye of him. He also sends Shamwow to F2.
Shamwow is used to visiting people's houses obviously, since she doesn't rush in like a JACKASS and offend everyone. She's just soo darn nice! Jokes with them all about the 90210 crowd doing yoga every morning. F2 is incredulous! Yoga!! Who has time with all of the backstabbing you have to get in during the day! E-troll stands off to the side and seethes hatred. Shamwow gets the clue about the immunity idol and while pretending to teach the blondes skills like, um fire building and cleaning up the yard, she looks all over the tree that used to hold the idol. Fortunately for all the rest of us, she does not look down E-troll's gray underpants for the idol.
Time for some strategerie. Jaison says, if Ben's not gone, I'm done. He won't take the racism anymore. Russell, Liz and Ben all want to get rid of Ashley. Mick isn't sure. E-troll promises Mick that after Ashley, Ben is next. He shares the idol with him to numb him to E-trolls charms. E-troll " This is what God made me for". What, Survivor?? LOL. Mick, E-troll and Jaison discuss. Jaison is adamant.
Tribal Council. Jeff is in a nice spearmint green color. Mmmm mmmm mmmmm. I could lick him like a cone of mint chocolate chip ice cream.
Jaison: Did you like Shamwow? Yes, Jeff, we would like to trade her for Ben who is negative. Bang, right outta the box.
Ben: Who's in trouble tonight? Ashley is weak, even though she works out tons at home on the gym that folds under the bed.
Ashley: Why you? Dunno cause I am sooo not weak or negative
Jaison: Ben, you are a bully. Oh, and you were a fag in the challenge.
E-Troll: What's going on? Ben said racial stuff that upset Jaison.
Jeff: Jaison, how can we heal things? How about a group hug, buddy?
Jaison: There's no million dollars worth sitting here with Ben (I beg to differ...)
Ben: What? I said she was ghetto trash. That's not racial. I purposely did NOT use the N word.
Jaison: So, southern dude, is that how you speak to a lady?
Ben: Yasmean isn't a lady like this white, southern girl sitting next to me.
Jaison: You should have some historical concept of what you are saying. If you don't get it maybe you are just ignorant. Um, he ain't never gonna get that, Jaison.
Ben: You wanna apologize? Nope
Time to vote. Ashley gets one vote. Ben is off to the klan meeting.
Foa Foa
Jaison Kim
Mick Wendy
Russell H Donna
Marisa Ginnie
Elizabeth Leslie
Natalie Carolyn
Ashley Tess
Galu
Brett Pam
Dave Amy
Erik Terri
John Joanne
Kelly Kevin and Matt
Laura Kelly
Monica Stacey
Russell S Lori
Shamwow Jeff and Eileen
Yasmin Elayne
Gone:
Marisa Ginnie
Mike Karen and John
Betsy Becky and Mary
Ben Nancy D
Again, don't expect to read anything on Galout, cause, well, they don't have the evil sausage man on their side. Nothing funny about watching doves fly out of everyone's butt. Oh, and speaking of that, I am also not going to discuss the "did you poop" conversation. Cause this is a high brow update.
Jaison and Mick have it out for Ben from the get go. "He's a mental plague". Me thinks they are a pair of those intellectual elites we're always hearing about lately. Danger!!
The evil troll is asking his long hair blonde bimbo who she thinks should go next. She doesn't know or, could it be?? She's smart enough to keep her mouth shut? She's a hairstylist too, just like Yasmean. Snap, I'm hoping for a haircut challenge! The E-troll continues his one-on-one rants: "Ima have them all under my control like zombies". I'm guessing he didn't get enough love as a child.
Sticking with F2, Ben is making fire. He's a big fire maker. He tells everyone that he is the only one who should make fire cause they are almost out of flint. WTF?? In 19 seasons of Survivor I don't believe there was ever a time when they ran out of flint. Not even the time they actually almost starved and had to dive into a rain swollen river for a bag of rice a roni. Like, it's not like that strip on the side of the box of 25 matches that wears out after the 18th match (you can laugh but pay attention next time).
Ooooh, wait!! A glimpse of life on Galout. Oh, Christ, it's yoga time. Shamwow hates yoga. It's communism. Or socialism. Whatever, they're both the same anyway. God damn kids and their yoga. I'll show 'em what a downward dog means in the military.
Back on F2. E-troll wants Ben to stay. Cause they are soulmates and he's hoping they can exchange emails after the show. E-troll tells Ben Ashley wants him gone. E-troll want Ashley gone. Wait, is it me or did he make an alliance with all of the people he wants to eliminate first? Dude, you try to keeeeeep the people you are in an alliance with longer. That's the point of forming an alliance. Oh, E-troll loves to get people fighting, loves it. "Everybody trusts me". Famous last words as the blondes put their little blonde heads together...
Tree mail! Oh, it's from Lands End and contains their bathing suits. Shamwow is stoked cause she got her size XXL Champion Sports Bra.
Challenge (and, I'm going out on a limb and thinking water is gonna be involved). Jeff is in Light Blue. Hotter than the cheese inside a hot pocket. It's a swim/battle zone. Cause that whole beat the crap out of each other went over so well last time. But, this time, JEFF OFFERS A STERN WARNING. Two from each team "swim" out and retrieve puzzle crates (ACK!!) but, they have to get through a scrappy opponent. Expect lots of pixilation!! Wanna know what you're playing for? Actually another opportunity for the crew to watch some girl on girl actual (with Asian!!) but we're gonna tell you immunity and either useful stuff or pillows from the Ty Pennington collection at Sears (ding).
Ok, Ben sucks and can't stop anyone. Oh my god. I almost spit my vodka out as John and Dave run out holding hands in THE MOST GAY SWIMSUITS ever on Survivor. Seriously. And, they match!! I was so grossed out that I basically missed the challenge or the point of the crates. But, big surprise, Galout wins immunity!! GoodRussell gets to chose either the really useful stuff or the pillows. He takes the pillows cause he wants to "take care of his ladies". Very Marvin Gaye of him. He also sends Shamwow to F2.
Shamwow is used to visiting people's houses obviously, since she doesn't rush in like a JACKASS and offend everyone. She's just soo darn nice! Jokes with them all about the 90210 crowd doing yoga every morning. F2 is incredulous! Yoga!! Who has time with all of the backstabbing you have to get in during the day! E-troll stands off to the side and seethes hatred. Shamwow gets the clue about the immunity idol and while pretending to teach the blondes skills like, um fire building and cleaning up the yard, she looks all over the tree that used to hold the idol. Fortunately for all the rest of us, she does not look down E-troll's gray underpants for the idol.
Time for some strategerie. Jaison says, if Ben's not gone, I'm done. He won't take the racism anymore. Russell, Liz and Ben all want to get rid of Ashley. Mick isn't sure. E-troll promises Mick that after Ashley, Ben is next. He shares the idol with him to numb him to E-trolls charms. E-troll " This is what God made me for". What, Survivor?? LOL. Mick, E-troll and Jaison discuss. Jaison is adamant.
Tribal Council. Jeff is in a nice spearmint green color. Mmmm mmmm mmmmm. I could lick him like a cone of mint chocolate chip ice cream.
Jaison: Did you like Shamwow? Yes, Jeff, we would like to trade her for Ben who is negative. Bang, right outta the box.
Ben: Who's in trouble tonight? Ashley is weak, even though she works out tons at home on the gym that folds under the bed.
Ashley: Why you? Dunno cause I am sooo not weak or negative
Jaison: Ben, you are a bully. Oh, and you were a fag in the challenge.
E-Troll: What's going on? Ben said racial stuff that upset Jaison.
Jeff: Jaison, how can we heal things? How about a group hug, buddy?
Jaison: There's no million dollars worth sitting here with Ben (I beg to differ...)
Ben: What? I said she was ghetto trash. That's not racial. I purposely did NOT use the N word.
Jaison: So, southern dude, is that how you speak to a lady?
Ben: Yasmean isn't a lady like this white, southern girl sitting next to me.
Jaison: You should have some historical concept of what you are saying. If you don't get it maybe you are just ignorant. Um, he ain't never gonna get that, Jaison.
Ben: You wanna apologize? Nope
Time to vote. Ashley gets one vote. Ben is off to the klan meeting.
Foa Foa
Jaison Kim
Mick Wendy
Russell H Donna
Marisa Ginnie
Elizabeth Leslie
Natalie Carolyn
Ashley Tess
Galu
Brett Pam
Dave Amy
Erik Terri
John Joanne
Kelly Kevin and Matt
Laura Kelly
Monica Stacey
Russell S Lori
Shamwow Jeff and Eileen
Yasmin Elayne
Gone:
Marisa Ginnie
Mike Karen and John
Betsy Becky and Mary
Ben Nancy D
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Survivor Samoa: Week Two
Ok, first off, this is soooo late because, when I heard about the tsunami that hit Samoa, while season 20 was being filmed, I immediately booked a flight and went in search of Jeff. Whew, were we glad to find each other again. I won't bore you with the details, but if you think make up sex is hot, you should try 'almost died in a tsunami sex'.
Soooooo, this week on Survivor starts with Evil (aka Russell) gloating about getting rid of Marisa. He and Betsy have a confrontation as well. So, you might as well get out the red marker and draw a target on her head. Jaison confronts Evil about his anger management problem. "Um, say old sausage chap, perchance do you thing you could just possible turn down the heat just a smidgeon at tribal council? Thanks sooo awfully much." Evil takes Jaison into his confidences about looking for an immunity idol. 2 seconds later, Evil pulls it out from up inside a tree, with everyone else standing around scratching their asses. He unfortunately shoves it down his gray dingy underwear. "Hey, anyone want to share this idol with me?" "Um, no, we're all good, thanks anyway."
Over on Ya Big Galoot, my girl Yasmin is singing the praises of camping. "The hood is not the wood", and I am afraid Yasmean is not gonna be the winner of Survivor Samoa.
On FF, Betsy and Mike help each other maneuver their walkers over to get the tree mail. Everyone else sits around gawking about how DAMN OLD those two are.
Challenge: Time to rumble. This appears to be something the Aztecs did to the death in Mexico, so I'm not really sure of the relevance of it is Samoa, but then again, I am geographically retarded. 3 people in the pit at a time, 3 on a platform. Ya get to kick the crap out of the other team, oh, and pass the balls to the people on the platforms so they can score baskets. It's really rough. Wanna know what you're playing for? Immunity, fishing gear and a "special surprise". oooh, lap dances!
First up, men in the pit. Shamwow shoots like a girl. Liz scores for FF
Second round, girl on girl action, which apparently a certain percentage of the population likes. Jeff: Watch the choking ladies. John scores for Galoot.
Jeff: "We're right on the line of it getting ugly. This is your only warning". Shit, as long as Jeff doesn't get hurt who cares!
Round 3: 2 men, 1 woman in the pit. It's ugly. Ben kicks Good Russell in the leg, gets ejected. Jeff: "Ben, what's it like being the biggest tool on Survivor History?" "Ima outlaw, baby" Mike gets hit really hard and just kinda wonders around stunned. Galoot wins immunity and reward.
The big twist is Good Russell gets to send one person back to the other tribe to "observe". He chooses Yasmean. Jeff wants medical to take a look at Mike. Not good, He has surprisingly low blood pressure and is out of the game. "Head back to camp cause you still need to send someone home" WTF?? I don't think they have ever done that before!
Galoot: Shamwow insists she is a champeeeen spear fisherman, and takes off with the new equipment. Ya know how this is going to end. She finds tons of fish, catches none, decides to take a bath and loses the mouthpiece of the fishing mask. Laura has the best line, "the good news is, there's fish in the ocean if you can believe that". Otherwise, Galoot isn't really on this episode.
Sooo, Yasmean calls everyone over and starts yapping her mouth off. She introduces herself as a professional hairdresser (like, as opposed to the rest of us who do it every morning as part of our routine??) and says she's there to "help them strategize" cause kicking their ass week after week is too boring. Ooooh, Evil is pissed, as is Jaison.
Yasmean takes on Ben next for the cheap shot at the challenge. "Why would a dude tackle me? That's disrespectful". On and on and on. Ben says she's "pretty close to being a hooker. Ghetto trash". Seriously, I think we have the beginnings of a little romance! Just sayin...
Yasmean gets the clue about an idol. Says it's in a tree. She basically ignores it.
Nightfall at FF, Ben is chopping wood and making noise and generally annoying everyone. Me? I'd tell him to knock it the hell off but they all put up with it until morning, and then start pissing about it. Betsy wants him to go. She convinces swiss cheese brained Ashley, who talks to Liz. Liz is all, "are you nuts? Betsy is ooooolllllllddddd, she's like 47". Bitch. I now hate Liz. Liz runs to Evil and tells him. He's now mad at Ashley.
Tribal Council: Jeff is in white. Mmmmmm.
Liz: one big happy family? Yes, Jeff. How was Yasmean's visit? Very nice Jeff, except for when she and Ben were comparing the size of their dicks.
Ben: Do tell! Well, Jeff, she is Ghetto trash with bad grammar. And, I just can't stand bad grammar.
Jaison: Jeff, we just need to keep a stiff upper lip and win some challenges my good man.
Betsy: Um, how come I'm the only one that brought a bag to tribal??
Ben: Any regrets about being a dick in the challenge? Well, Jeff, you never said we had to play by your sissy rules. OOOOOHHHHH, NO YOU DIDNT.
They vote. Betsy is gone. Not a good day for the elderly.
Foa Foa
Ben Nancy D
Jaison Kim
Mick Wendy
Russell H Donna
Marisa Ginnie
Elizabeth Leslie
Natalie Carolyn
Ashley Tess
Galu
Brett Pam
Dave Amy
Erik Terri
John Joanne
Kelly Kevin and Matt
Laura Kelly
Monica Stacey
Russell S Lori
Shamwow Jeff and Eileen
Yasmin Elayne
Gone:
Marisa Ginnie
Mike Karen and John
Betsy Becky and Mary
Soooooo, this week on Survivor starts with Evil (aka Russell) gloating about getting rid of Marisa. He and Betsy have a confrontation as well. So, you might as well get out the red marker and draw a target on her head. Jaison confronts Evil about his anger management problem. "Um, say old sausage chap, perchance do you thing you could just possible turn down the heat just a smidgeon at tribal council? Thanks sooo awfully much." Evil takes Jaison into his confidences about looking for an immunity idol. 2 seconds later, Evil pulls it out from up inside a tree, with everyone else standing around scratching their asses. He unfortunately shoves it down his gray dingy underwear. "Hey, anyone want to share this idol with me?" "Um, no, we're all good, thanks anyway."
Over on Ya Big Galoot, my girl Yasmin is singing the praises of camping. "The hood is not the wood", and I am afraid Yasmean is not gonna be the winner of Survivor Samoa.
On FF, Betsy and Mike help each other maneuver their walkers over to get the tree mail. Everyone else sits around gawking about how DAMN OLD those two are.
Challenge: Time to rumble. This appears to be something the Aztecs did to the death in Mexico, so I'm not really sure of the relevance of it is Samoa, but then again, I am geographically retarded. 3 people in the pit at a time, 3 on a platform. Ya get to kick the crap out of the other team, oh, and pass the balls to the people on the platforms so they can score baskets. It's really rough. Wanna know what you're playing for? Immunity, fishing gear and a "special surprise". oooh, lap dances!
First up, men in the pit. Shamwow shoots like a girl. Liz scores for FF
Second round, girl on girl action, which apparently a certain percentage of the population likes. Jeff: Watch the choking ladies. John scores for Galoot.
Jeff: "We're right on the line of it getting ugly. This is your only warning". Shit, as long as Jeff doesn't get hurt who cares!
Round 3: 2 men, 1 woman in the pit. It's ugly. Ben kicks Good Russell in the leg, gets ejected. Jeff: "Ben, what's it like being the biggest tool on Survivor History?" "Ima outlaw, baby" Mike gets hit really hard and just kinda wonders around stunned. Galoot wins immunity and reward.
The big twist is Good Russell gets to send one person back to the other tribe to "observe". He chooses Yasmean. Jeff wants medical to take a look at Mike. Not good, He has surprisingly low blood pressure and is out of the game. "Head back to camp cause you still need to send someone home" WTF?? I don't think they have ever done that before!
Galoot: Shamwow insists she is a champeeeen spear fisherman, and takes off with the new equipment. Ya know how this is going to end. She finds tons of fish, catches none, decides to take a bath and loses the mouthpiece of the fishing mask. Laura has the best line, "the good news is, there's fish in the ocean if you can believe that". Otherwise, Galoot isn't really on this episode.
Sooo, Yasmean calls everyone over and starts yapping her mouth off. She introduces herself as a professional hairdresser (like, as opposed to the rest of us who do it every morning as part of our routine??) and says she's there to "help them strategize" cause kicking their ass week after week is too boring. Ooooh, Evil is pissed, as is Jaison.
Yasmean takes on Ben next for the cheap shot at the challenge. "Why would a dude tackle me? That's disrespectful". On and on and on. Ben says she's "pretty close to being a hooker. Ghetto trash". Seriously, I think we have the beginnings of a little romance! Just sayin...
Yasmean gets the clue about an idol. Says it's in a tree. She basically ignores it.
Nightfall at FF, Ben is chopping wood and making noise and generally annoying everyone. Me? I'd tell him to knock it the hell off but they all put up with it until morning, and then start pissing about it. Betsy wants him to go. She convinces swiss cheese brained Ashley, who talks to Liz. Liz is all, "are you nuts? Betsy is ooooolllllllddddd, she's like 47". Bitch. I now hate Liz. Liz runs to Evil and tells him. He's now mad at Ashley.
Tribal Council: Jeff is in white. Mmmmmm.
Liz: one big happy family? Yes, Jeff. How was Yasmean's visit? Very nice Jeff, except for when she and Ben were comparing the size of their dicks.
Ben: Do tell! Well, Jeff, she is Ghetto trash with bad grammar. And, I just can't stand bad grammar.
Jaison: Jeff, we just need to keep a stiff upper lip and win some challenges my good man.
Betsy: Um, how come I'm the only one that brought a bag to tribal??
Ben: Any regrets about being a dick in the challenge? Well, Jeff, you never said we had to play by your sissy rules. OOOOOHHHHH, NO YOU DIDNT.
They vote. Betsy is gone. Not a good day for the elderly.
Foa Foa
Ben Nancy D
Jaison Kim
Mick Wendy
Russell H Donna
Marisa Ginnie
Elizabeth Leslie
Natalie Carolyn
Ashley Tess
Galu
Brett Pam
Dave Amy
Erik Terri
John Joanne
Kelly Kevin and Matt
Laura Kelly
Monica Stacey
Russell S Lori
Shamwow Jeff and Eileen
Yasmin Elayne
Gone:
Marisa Ginnie
Mike Karen and John
Betsy Becky and Mary
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Survivor Samoa Week One
Ok, first off, I have to say that I am already disappointed in this season. Seriously, I was all hepped up expecting Survivor SOMALIA, and the excellent opportunities for the teams to camp in bombed out buildings, dodge bullets, win flak jackets in the reward challenges and, generally, ACTUALLY HAVE TO SURVIVE SOMETHING. But, alas, it's just another season of pretending they are all miserable to be on a gorgeous tropical island. YAWN.
Now, onto the good stuff. Holy crap, was it me or was that the most sexually explicit opening in Survivor history?? Seriously, Jeff standing in his eye-matching-baby blue shirt, as the waves POUNDED in the surf, and spewed huge quantities of water into the air with the sheer forcefulness of the rocking waves. MAN O'FRICKEN MAN. Seriously, I have watched that portion like, 5 times already. Man, gimme more of that Probst Porn every week.
So, the tribes are already divided and, apparently some had advanced notice cause the purple tribe had on purple and the yellow tribe had on yellow. Hmmmmm.
The 2 tribes have to chose leaders without knowing anything about each other. Foa Foa chooses Mick as their leader. Galu chooses the Good Russell. We also learn that the mullet chick likes to be called Shambo. Cause, she's as friggin fat as shamu but can kick you in the balls like Rambo. Screw that, I'm gonna call her Shamwow.
Challenge: The 2 team leaders have to make some choices. They each need to pick the best swimmer, the strongest, the most agile and the smartest.
Mick chooses Jaison as his best swimmer, followed by this long boring discussion of whether or not black dudes can swim. WTF? Cause, what, they are all from the inner city and have only swum in uncapped fire hydrants? He chooses Evil Russell as the strongest.
Ok. I gotta start this thing. Evil Russell is quite possibly my favorite person on this season. Seriously, he looks like a little fat sausage man, and is just plain evil. In his first "cameo", he discusses his plan to "make things as miserable as possible for people". Clearly that includes wearing the most disgusting pair of revealing gray underpants for most of the episode. But, more on that later...
For the most Agile, Mick chooses Marissa, who is quite attractive even if she did chose to wear a headband from her my little pony collection. For the smartest....damn, who would guess he'd go with the Asian in the white lawyer suit.
Good Russell chooses John as his swimmer, Erik as his brawns, Yasmin as most agile (cause you know thin black women are cat-like), and for smartest he goes for the obvious choice to go up against an Asian.....Mullet-wearing Shamwow. Um. Yea. She has to tell us right off the bat that she ain't got no book smarts. Or, apparently, cosmetic smarts.
Wanna know what you're playing for? I dunno, Jeff, is it gonna be maybe, FIRE??? And, is it gonna be in the form of FLINT??
So, we find out the skinny black dude is actually a WATER POLO PLAYER, at an obviously ivy league school, which cracks me up. He kicks some serious water ass. John, his co-swimmer gets his ass kicked and then has to lay on the mat and recover. Sausage man kicks his task of carrying a bunch of logs. Marissa takes off the pony headband and takes on the balance beam, until the cat-like Yasmin gets it done. It all comes down to the Asian and the Mullet who have to.....wait for it..... PUT A FRIGGIN PUZZLE TOGETHER. Argh. So, Shamwow is working it but the Asian (Liz) just looks at it and the pieces fall together. F2 wins fire.
Now onto camp. Over on F2, Ben announces he's the hillbilly and knows all about how to set up a camp. He knows where to build the latrine, so he gets everybody going to work. Which leaves sausage man to form his Dumb-Ass Alliance. According to him, he recruits the the dumb short haired blonde (Ashley) , the dumb long haired blonde (Kelly) and the dumb dark haired chick (Marissa). He also adds in the "old lady", Betsy. She's obviously too smart for him cause she doesn't trust him.
Over on Galu, Good Russell takes charge and gets things going. John, the rocket scientist, shows that he is one of the most annoying overthinkers on the history of the show. "We need to also consider the wind direction, and the rain, and inventory our actions". ahahahhahahah. And, now we know why NASA wastes so much friggin money each year. So, a little bit of camp gets built, Shamwow starts showing her "I'm military, I can't stand these kids" attitude, and everyone goes for a swim BUT Shamwow. Yea, cause, see, making yourself seem 1) mean and nasty, 2) not a part of the group, and 3) basically an outsider on day one is always a good thing. I mean, c'mom, everyone who watched Survivor knows that the big decisions are always make in waste deep water, while people are taking a whiz and rinsing the shit out of their butt cracks.
Nighttime over on F2. Time for a bedtime story, so sausage man tells his harem about being a fireman in New Orleans and surviving hurricane Katrina by sitting on his roof while his beloved dog dies. All lies. Johnny Fairplay strategy is in full motion. My Little Pony girl starts to wonder about him.
Evil Russell gets up in the middle of the night and dumps out all the canteens, burns Jaison's socks and basically sabotages his own tribe to get them at each other's throats. Oh, did I mention he is in reality an Oil Company Executive? Drill baby drill.
Immunity Challenge: 6 of each team have to run over a series of A-frames carrying rope. Once they make it to a platform, they have to use the rope to drag a crate up onto the platform, open the crate to reveal.....PUZZLE PIECES. This was pretty boring, so let me just skip to the end where Shamwow leads her team to puzzle victory over the team led by the Asian. Woohoo. Galu wins immunity, and has to start chanting "Galu is in the house" which is just so damn annoying.
F2 has to eliminate someone. "The weakest should go". It's pretty much Ashley, the dumb short haired blonde who is a spa salesperson. Sausage man is running around taking to everyone, and Marissa calls him on it. Tells him she's 'worried about him". He throws a hissy fit, revealing to me at least that he isn't long for this game, and he goes around telling everyone My Little Pony THREATENED him.
Tribal council is just....really boring. Ashley is an idiot, tells everyone she 'works out tons at home" LOL. Marissa and sausage get into it. End of the day, My Little Pony is voted off, which makes me quite sad cause I was getting into the nickname. ah well.
Foa Foa
Ben Nancy D
Jaison Kim
Mick Wendy
Russell H Donna
Mike Karen and John
Marisa Ginnie
Elizabeth Leslie
Betsy Becky and Mary
Natalie Carolyn
Ashley Tess
Galu
Brett Pam
Dave Amy
Erik Terri
John Joanne
Kelly Kevin and Matt
Laura Kelly
Monica Stacey
Russell S Lori
Shamwow Jeff and Eileen
Yasmin Elayne
Now, onto the good stuff. Holy crap, was it me or was that the most sexually explicit opening in Survivor history?? Seriously, Jeff standing in his eye-matching-baby blue shirt, as the waves POUNDED in the surf, and spewed huge quantities of water into the air with the sheer forcefulness of the rocking waves. MAN O'FRICKEN MAN. Seriously, I have watched that portion like, 5 times already. Man, gimme more of that Probst Porn every week.
So, the tribes are already divided and, apparently some had advanced notice cause the purple tribe had on purple and the yellow tribe had on yellow. Hmmmmm.
The 2 tribes have to chose leaders without knowing anything about each other. Foa Foa chooses Mick as their leader. Galu chooses the Good Russell. We also learn that the mullet chick likes to be called Shambo. Cause, she's as friggin fat as shamu but can kick you in the balls like Rambo. Screw that, I'm gonna call her Shamwow.
Challenge: The 2 team leaders have to make some choices. They each need to pick the best swimmer, the strongest, the most agile and the smartest.
Mick chooses Jaison as his best swimmer, followed by this long boring discussion of whether or not black dudes can swim. WTF? Cause, what, they are all from the inner city and have only swum in uncapped fire hydrants? He chooses Evil Russell as the strongest.
Ok. I gotta start this thing. Evil Russell is quite possibly my favorite person on this season. Seriously, he looks like a little fat sausage man, and is just plain evil. In his first "cameo", he discusses his plan to "make things as miserable as possible for people". Clearly that includes wearing the most disgusting pair of revealing gray underpants for most of the episode. But, more on that later...
For the most Agile, Mick chooses Marissa, who is quite attractive even if she did chose to wear a headband from her my little pony collection. For the smartest....damn, who would guess he'd go with the Asian in the white lawyer suit.
Good Russell chooses John as his swimmer, Erik as his brawns, Yasmin as most agile (cause you know thin black women are cat-like), and for smartest he goes for the obvious choice to go up against an Asian.....Mullet-wearing Shamwow. Um. Yea. She has to tell us right off the bat that she ain't got no book smarts. Or, apparently, cosmetic smarts.
Wanna know what you're playing for? I dunno, Jeff, is it gonna be maybe, FIRE??? And, is it gonna be in the form of FLINT??
So, we find out the skinny black dude is actually a WATER POLO PLAYER, at an obviously ivy league school, which cracks me up. He kicks some serious water ass. John, his co-swimmer gets his ass kicked and then has to lay on the mat and recover. Sausage man kicks his task of carrying a bunch of logs. Marissa takes off the pony headband and takes on the balance beam, until the cat-like Yasmin gets it done. It all comes down to the Asian and the Mullet who have to.....wait for it..... PUT A FRIGGIN PUZZLE TOGETHER. Argh. So, Shamwow is working it but the Asian (Liz) just looks at it and the pieces fall together. F2 wins fire.
Now onto camp. Over on F2, Ben announces he's the hillbilly and knows all about how to set up a camp. He knows where to build the latrine, so he gets everybody going to work. Which leaves sausage man to form his Dumb-Ass Alliance. According to him, he recruits the the dumb short haired blonde (Ashley) , the dumb long haired blonde (Kelly) and the dumb dark haired chick (Marissa). He also adds in the "old lady", Betsy. She's obviously too smart for him cause she doesn't trust him.
Over on Galu, Good Russell takes charge and gets things going. John, the rocket scientist, shows that he is one of the most annoying overthinkers on the history of the show. "We need to also consider the wind direction, and the rain, and inventory our actions". ahahahhahahah. And, now we know why NASA wastes so much friggin money each year. So, a little bit of camp gets built, Shamwow starts showing her "I'm military, I can't stand these kids" attitude, and everyone goes for a swim BUT Shamwow. Yea, cause, see, making yourself seem 1) mean and nasty, 2) not a part of the group, and 3) basically an outsider on day one is always a good thing. I mean, c'mom, everyone who watched Survivor knows that the big decisions are always make in waste deep water, while people are taking a whiz and rinsing the shit out of their butt cracks.
Nighttime over on F2. Time for a bedtime story, so sausage man tells his harem about being a fireman in New Orleans and surviving hurricane Katrina by sitting on his roof while his beloved dog dies. All lies. Johnny Fairplay strategy is in full motion. My Little Pony girl starts to wonder about him.
Evil Russell gets up in the middle of the night and dumps out all the canteens, burns Jaison's socks and basically sabotages his own tribe to get them at each other's throats. Oh, did I mention he is in reality an Oil Company Executive? Drill baby drill.
Immunity Challenge: 6 of each team have to run over a series of A-frames carrying rope. Once they make it to a platform, they have to use the rope to drag a crate up onto the platform, open the crate to reveal.....PUZZLE PIECES. This was pretty boring, so let me just skip to the end where Shamwow leads her team to puzzle victory over the team led by the Asian. Woohoo. Galu wins immunity, and has to start chanting "Galu is in the house" which is just so damn annoying.
F2 has to eliminate someone. "The weakest should go". It's pretty much Ashley, the dumb short haired blonde who is a spa salesperson. Sausage man is running around taking to everyone, and Marissa calls him on it. Tells him she's 'worried about him". He throws a hissy fit, revealing to me at least that he isn't long for this game, and he goes around telling everyone My Little Pony THREATENED him.
Tribal council is just....really boring. Ashley is an idiot, tells everyone she 'works out tons at home" LOL. Marissa and sausage get into it. End of the day, My Little Pony is voted off, which makes me quite sad cause I was getting into the nickname. ah well.
Foa Foa
Ben Nancy D
Jaison Kim
Mick Wendy
Russell H Donna
Mike Karen and John
Marisa Ginnie
Elizabeth Leslie
Betsy Becky and Mary
Natalie Carolyn
Ashley Tess
Galu
Brett Pam
Dave Amy
Erik Terri
John Joanne
Kelly Kevin and Matt
Laura Kelly
Monica Stacey
Russell S Lori
Shamwow Jeff and Eileen
Yasmin Elayne
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Survivor Brazil Week 9
Yo, welcome to another edition of Coach: Cock of the Walk. But, before I delve into another episode of fun, intrigue and friggin puzzles, did everyone see the report that Coach has been relieved of him coaching job because he lied about going on Survivor? Told the team he had to go into the hospital for 2 MONTHS for cancer testing. LOL. Guess he already knew there was no chance in HELL anyone on the team would want to visit or send flowers.
OK, so when we left Brandon was voted off cause the jalapeno alliance decided to go along with Coach. Sierra is now alone without her 2 person alliance, and without the immunity idol. Hmmm, didn't she have an alliance with Stephen and Taj as well? Guess not.
Sierra talks to Coach, as one does when in the presence of greatness. "Sierra, you make bad decisions in life. You pitted yourself against me. You deserve to go home." Wow. Let's judge her whole life based upon an alliance on a game show!
Coach is doing the dragon slayer bullshit. "I got rid of the stronger, younger and, let's face it WAY better looking competitor. Although, not sure about strongest cause, we were talking last week? About, like, being strong and stuff? It was right after we whipped out our peckers and measured them-you'll notice I didn't call myself better endowed-anyway, I said I could bench press 300 lbs and Brandon was all, WOW, I can't. Anyway, YYYYYEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Oh, that was an Amazonian primal yell that means, I am the dragon slayer, and victory is already mine".
Sierra continues the pity tour. Talks to Tyson. Ok, he's an ugly ass psychopath. He thinks it's funny. "She's of no worth. I guess her parents love her but her boyfriend must be a loser".
Reward Challenge: 2 teams, have to run out into the jungle, and CRAPPPPPPPPPPPP, untie 4 big swiss cheese puzzle pieces,carry them back and each one in the right puzzle stand. Then, you have to line up the swiss cheese holes so you can read a bunch of vowels that you use with letters to solve the daily word power. C'mon, this is the best we can do?????????????????? Wanna know what you are playing for? Food and some strange ass martial arts-ballet thing that Coach pretends he's all familiar with.
Red team is Tyson, Erinn, JT and Debbie. Black is Coach, Sierra, Stephen and Taj. I'll skip the boredom. The red team obliterates the black team. It's not even close.
Jeff: "Coach, you continue to lose out on these reward challenges, which is surprising with all of your life experiences".
Coach "Well, Jeff, I didn't have to move puzzle boards in the Amazon". Oh, SNAP.
Stephen is sent back to exile in case there is a re-hidden idol.
Reward: Food and local dancing. Apparently the natives speak English. They eat like pigs. I saw corn, what looked like quesadillas, corn bread and WTF?? Brownies? Isn't this the second week of Duncan Hines? (Well, Duncan Hiney's if you include the Charmin challenge). Debbie is all into the kids cause she's a principle in case you missed that. After gorging themselves, Survivors are brought up to "dance" with the "natives" which includes Debbie doing a couple back flips, Tyson doing a cartwheel and Erinn kicking real high. This makes Erinn barf in the woods.
Exile: No new idol.
Back at camp, Sierra tries to talk to Debbie in front of Erinn and Coach. They treat her like a puppy that shit on the rug. Debbie is all, "you made your bed, we all have to live with the choices we make in life". Why do I think these platitudes are going to come back and bite Debbie and Coach in the ass? Erinn gets a few jabs in as well. But, in her one on one camera time, she admits that Sierra is right but Erinn wants Sierra out so she can "turn the game on it's head". LOL. As if.
Sierra works on Coach again. He acts like, poor little thing, I'd like to give you a second chance. It's kind of boring.
Immunity Challenge: It's cold and rainy. Everyone is in bathing suits shivering. Except Jeff. He is in a lovely periwinkle blue safari shirt, and he has the HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT wet shower hair. Uhuh. And, OMG, he has a little tuft of wet hair sticking just slightly peeking out of her shirt.
Ok, I'm not even sure I can type this part. I really really don't want to. Wait, let me slam back a shot of whisky...................................................... Ok. Today's Immunity challenge is.......Shuffleboard. I kid you not. A new LOW in Survivor history. Oh, but there's a catch. If you want to sit it out, you can do that and eat pizza instead. Stephen, JT and Coach sit out and eat pizza. Tyson is not happy with Coach for taking the easy way out.
Shuffleboard. It's boring. It's not even real shuffleboard. It's like the kind you find in a cocktail lounge in Florida. The kind of place old retired people in hats, Hawaiian shirts and black socks with sandals hang out. Also, the little mini board is full of water. Anyway. It's just a bad holiday nightmare. Tyson manages to get 2 chips near the star, and Sierra knocks them both out putting herself in play. She does a little dance which pisses Coach and Tyson off. Debbie is the only one left with a shot. She knocks Sierra off and wins immunity.
Jeff puts the necklace on her and then, BASTARD, keeps his arm around her shoulder for too long, in my opinion. TRAMP.
Back at camp, Tyson, Debbie and Coach huddle around the fire and complain about Sierra. In the tent, Stephen, Erinn and Taj hatch a plot to get rid of Tyson while he doesn't have immunity. Stephen talks to JT about it. JT isn't sure he wants to show his hand this early. Coach talks to JT: "I want to to into the finals with the 5 warrior alliance"JT:" You can trust me"
Tribal Council: Time for Probsting
Oh, in case I forget, Coach turns up at tribal with a feather in his hear and another in his little pony tail.
Tyson: " I'm totally comfortable tonight Jeff"
Jeff: "Sierra, do you think people are being nice to you and telling you it's your time so you'll be nice to them on the jury?"
Sierra: "Well, Jeff, blahblahblah"
Tyson: "Nobody knows what you are talking about you idiot" "I never felt a bond with her" "I gave her 5 minutes and now I'm done with her"
Sierra:" frankly, I'd vote for Tyson cause he's the strong one and will probably win all of the challenges"Jeff: "Coach: I Tyson a threat?"
Coach: "Well, Jeff, I want to walk the path of a noble warrior and go into the final battle with only the strongest. I want to win an honorable battle "
Jeff: "Hmmmm, so, is that why you got rid of Brandon, the strongest player last week??"
Coach:"Um, haha, um, I'm a ravenous wolf"
Me: "What the fuck are you talking about you crazy ass loon with feathers in your pony tail???"
Time to vote and count the votes:
Sierra gets 3 votes, Tyson gets 4. WTF????????????????????? Hey, what's that smell? That's the smell of the Smug-Birdman-Dragon-Slayer crapping himself.
Forza
Coach: Leslie
Debbie: Elayne
Sierra: Donna
Errin.Carolyn
JT: Stacey
Taj: Kelly
Stephen: Mary and Becky
Off to Carnival
Carolina: Terri
Candace: Matt and Kevin
Jerry: Karen and John
Sandy: Jeff and Eileen
Spencer: Joanne
Sydney: Ginnie
Joe: Kim
Brendan: Amy and Maureen
Tyson: Tess and Susan
OK, so when we left Brandon was voted off cause the jalapeno alliance decided to go along with Coach. Sierra is now alone without her 2 person alliance, and without the immunity idol. Hmmm, didn't she have an alliance with Stephen and Taj as well? Guess not.
Sierra talks to Coach, as one does when in the presence of greatness. "Sierra, you make bad decisions in life. You pitted yourself against me. You deserve to go home." Wow. Let's judge her whole life based upon an alliance on a game show!
Coach is doing the dragon slayer bullshit. "I got rid of the stronger, younger and, let's face it WAY better looking competitor. Although, not sure about strongest cause, we were talking last week? About, like, being strong and stuff? It was right after we whipped out our peckers and measured them-you'll notice I didn't call myself better endowed-anyway, I said I could bench press 300 lbs and Brandon was all, WOW, I can't. Anyway, YYYYYEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Oh, that was an Amazonian primal yell that means, I am the dragon slayer, and victory is already mine".
Sierra continues the pity tour. Talks to Tyson. Ok, he's an ugly ass psychopath. He thinks it's funny. "She's of no worth. I guess her parents love her but her boyfriend must be a loser".
Reward Challenge: 2 teams, have to run out into the jungle, and CRAPPPPPPPPPPPP, untie 4 big swiss cheese puzzle pieces,carry them back and each one in the right puzzle stand. Then, you have to line up the swiss cheese holes so you can read a bunch of vowels that you use with letters to solve the daily word power. C'mon, this is the best we can do?????????????????? Wanna know what you are playing for? Food and some strange ass martial arts-ballet thing that Coach pretends he's all familiar with.
Red team is Tyson, Erinn, JT and Debbie. Black is Coach, Sierra, Stephen and Taj. I'll skip the boredom. The red team obliterates the black team. It's not even close.
Jeff: "Coach, you continue to lose out on these reward challenges, which is surprising with all of your life experiences".
Coach "Well, Jeff, I didn't have to move puzzle boards in the Amazon". Oh, SNAP.
Stephen is sent back to exile in case there is a re-hidden idol.
Reward: Food and local dancing. Apparently the natives speak English. They eat like pigs. I saw corn, what looked like quesadillas, corn bread and WTF?? Brownies? Isn't this the second week of Duncan Hines? (Well, Duncan Hiney's if you include the Charmin challenge). Debbie is all into the kids cause she's a principle in case you missed that. After gorging themselves, Survivors are brought up to "dance" with the "natives" which includes Debbie doing a couple back flips, Tyson doing a cartwheel and Erinn kicking real high. This makes Erinn barf in the woods.
Exile: No new idol.
Back at camp, Sierra tries to talk to Debbie in front of Erinn and Coach. They treat her like a puppy that shit on the rug. Debbie is all, "you made your bed, we all have to live with the choices we make in life". Why do I think these platitudes are going to come back and bite Debbie and Coach in the ass? Erinn gets a few jabs in as well. But, in her one on one camera time, she admits that Sierra is right but Erinn wants Sierra out so she can "turn the game on it's head". LOL. As if.
Sierra works on Coach again. He acts like, poor little thing, I'd like to give you a second chance. It's kind of boring.
Immunity Challenge: It's cold and rainy. Everyone is in bathing suits shivering. Except Jeff. He is in a lovely periwinkle blue safari shirt, and he has the HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT wet shower hair. Uhuh. And, OMG, he has a little tuft of wet hair sticking just slightly peeking out of her shirt.
Ok, I'm not even sure I can type this part. I really really don't want to. Wait, let me slam back a shot of whisky...................................................... Ok. Today's Immunity challenge is.......Shuffleboard. I kid you not. A new LOW in Survivor history. Oh, but there's a catch. If you want to sit it out, you can do that and eat pizza instead. Stephen, JT and Coach sit out and eat pizza. Tyson is not happy with Coach for taking the easy way out.
Shuffleboard. It's boring. It's not even real shuffleboard. It's like the kind you find in a cocktail lounge in Florida. The kind of place old retired people in hats, Hawaiian shirts and black socks with sandals hang out. Also, the little mini board is full of water. Anyway. It's just a bad holiday nightmare. Tyson manages to get 2 chips near the star, and Sierra knocks them both out putting herself in play. She does a little dance which pisses Coach and Tyson off. Debbie is the only one left with a shot. She knocks Sierra off and wins immunity.
Jeff puts the necklace on her and then, BASTARD, keeps his arm around her shoulder for too long, in my opinion. TRAMP.
Back at camp, Tyson, Debbie and Coach huddle around the fire and complain about Sierra. In the tent, Stephen, Erinn and Taj hatch a plot to get rid of Tyson while he doesn't have immunity. Stephen talks to JT about it. JT isn't sure he wants to show his hand this early. Coach talks to JT: "I want to to into the finals with the 5 warrior alliance"JT:" You can trust me"
Tribal Council: Time for Probsting
Oh, in case I forget, Coach turns up at tribal with a feather in his hear and another in his little pony tail.
Tyson: " I'm totally comfortable tonight Jeff"
Jeff: "Sierra, do you think people are being nice to you and telling you it's your time so you'll be nice to them on the jury?"
Sierra: "Well, Jeff, blahblahblah"
Tyson: "Nobody knows what you are talking about you idiot" "I never felt a bond with her" "I gave her 5 minutes and now I'm done with her"
Sierra:" frankly, I'd vote for Tyson cause he's the strong one and will probably win all of the challenges"Jeff: "Coach: I Tyson a threat?"
Coach: "Well, Jeff, I want to walk the path of a noble warrior and go into the final battle with only the strongest. I want to win an honorable battle "
Jeff: "Hmmmm, so, is that why you got rid of Brandon, the strongest player last week??"
Coach:"Um, haha, um, I'm a ravenous wolf"
Me: "What the fuck are you talking about you crazy ass loon with feathers in your pony tail???"
Time to vote and count the votes:
Sierra gets 3 votes, Tyson gets 4. WTF????????????????????? Hey, what's that smell? That's the smell of the Smug-Birdman-Dragon-Slayer crapping himself.
Forza
Coach: Leslie
Debbie: Elayne
Sierra: Donna
Errin.Carolyn
JT: Stacey
Taj: Kelly
Stephen: Mary and Becky
Off to Carnival
Carolina: Terri
Candace: Matt and Kevin
Jerry: Karen and John
Sandy: Jeff and Eileen
Spencer: Joanne
Sydney: Ginnie
Joe: Kim
Brendan: Amy and Maureen
Tyson: Tess and Susan
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