Survivor Episode 1

Welcome to Survivor: why the world hates the 1%.  Season 30, 15 years OF THE GREATEST SOCIAL EXPERIMENT ON TV.  Hmmmm, here I was gonna go with the Price is Right for the win.  Tribes are composed of people with common occupations or approaches to life.

First up, in yellow with a name that sounded like Messiah but couldn't possibly be, are the smug white collar workers.  These are people who Jeff tells us like to make the rules and be "in charge".  LOL, what could be worse than an entire tribe of type A's?  

So is a very pretty Asian woman who "has made everyone who has ever worked for her cry"

Max is a former college professor who has taught a class on Survivor and now is some kind of "consultant".  AKA out of work.

Carolyn is the old 52 year old "corporate exec" who I believe.  Seriously, making it to 52 in corporate america I gotta take my hat off to her.  She must drink like a fucking fish.  She says something about WC (white collar's) being goal oriented but the problem is everyone wants the same goal.  

Joaquim, whose name I will misspell every week and I don't give a flying crap.  He's SLIMY, slick and wearing a freaking suit and tie.  

Shirin is a Yahoo executive who has applied to Survivor for 10 years.  She says nothing memorable.

Tyler is an ex-talent executive.  AKA, he's also unemployed.  He's kinda geeky and I can't read him.  

Blue collar (BC) are a rambunctious bunch who are pretty funny.  They believe they single handedly built America (did anyone tell the 1%ers??).

Lindsey is a hairdresser, single mom and a crop top girl.  She feels like she is the strongest mentally.

Mike is something with "Ooool"  which I think is Texan for oil.  He likes his hands dirrrrrty.  

Dan is the older postal employee who should be watched closely for insanity.  He wants to be remembered for....anything.

Rodney thinks people will think he's a meat head but "I'm filet mignon while these people are steakers".  

Rounding out that tribe is state trooper Kelly and Sierra who's a "barrel racer" and who totally fell off my radar screen.

Finally, the free spirited no collars.  These are kinda what you would expect.  

Jenn is a sailing  instructor and likes to work sometimes.  She believes money makes life easier

Hali is in law school because she wants to save the world and live off nothing with huge ass law school bills

Vince, featherman, is like Coach's brother, who got kicked in the head by a mule in childhood.  No idea how he's gonna survive without pot for the 39 days.  

Joe is a jewelry designer.  He's this season's eye candy.

Nina is 51, deaf with cochlear implants.  Does that mean she can hear now?  

Will, who is a "youtube" sensation.  LOL, he's the guy dancing with his wife in the gas station video.  

So those are our peeps.  Jeff is really beating the crap out of the distinctions between tribes.  Jeff,  honey, it's a freaking reality show not a graduate sociology class!  We're all hear for the drama, fighting, starvation and relief from the freaks at our own jobs.  Everyone is gunning for the WCs, and they're pretty smug about it.  

Finally, Jeff has each tribe pick someone to represent them.  Jacquin and Dan volunteer.  The beatnicks have a little fun, Will promises everyone sandwiches and he gets picked.  Jeff is like, "where are you gonna get sandwiches"?  And the WC's are all "look, the stoners can't make a decision".  But the stoners are happy.  

Now, pick a second person.  Joaquin lets his penis make the decision and he picks So.  Dan and Mike bro hug, and Will picks Jenn because 'she has a nice smile".  Can you tell I'm already loving this season??  

At camp, the two have to walk away and make a decision.  The NC's pre decide something.  I kinda lost track here.  The choice s between honesty and deceit.  Honesty gets you a big bag of beans, deceit gets you a little bag and a clue to the immunity idol.  NC goes for the honesty of course.  Dan and Mike debate for a few minutes, thinking villains usually win but ultimately go with honesty because it's too early to be a villain.  They return to camp and tell them what they did.  Sierra doesn't believe them for a minute.  

And of course,  WC picks deceit and spends their time coming up with a lie, just like most management meetings I've been in.  The tell this lame story about 3 choices,  honesty, deceit and juuuuuuust right.  So is starting to think she has made a deal with the devil.  He's totally hitting on her and he says they are now in an alliance.  He calls her honey I think?  Not enough sensitivity training??They said they took juuuuuust right because there could be consequences or something.  Seriously, they can't bluff better than this??  Carolyn isn't buying it but she says she'd have done the exact same thing.  Carolyn and Shirin bond, and bring Max into their group because they all feel like Joaguin and So are too tight.  

BC:  They find crabs to eat, make shelter and build a fire.  LIndsay and Rodney compare tats.  He tells her about the one for his sister who he found murdered.  He's working it because he wants girls  on his alliance because "they'll sit back and let me lead".  

Mike finds a scorpion (really???  Neutered to not sting I'm sure) and chops the tail off and eats it.  He's all "I'm gonna have protein in my belly", until he barfs it up and has to lie down.  Dumbass.  

NC:  OMG IT'S OUR FIRST COCONUT, LETS CELEBRATE!  If only we had some weed!  Vince, aka featherman, approaches Jenn and says they have an instant connection.  She's like ok.  He is a person who develops "instant attraction to women".  LOL!  Stalker tendencies??  Jenn immediately thinks he's a little too intense and decides to smile and nod.  LMAO-and every woman in this pool understands how this to intense thing is creepy.  Vince is off to build the shelter but Joe doesn't like his design and the two start their pissing contest.  

BC: Dan is also arguing about their structure because he is fat and it doesn't seem strong enough to him.  He has no social skills and as the oldest doesn't get the youngsters.  They are laughing and calling him "dumbledorf".  Meanwhile is on the beach in a speedo putting his pants back  on (WTF?) and his buddy Mike comes to cheer him up.  

NC:  Finally, after 29 seasons we have someone who watched a youtube video and practiced making fire!!!!!!  Joe promptly makes fire after he and Jenn do a little back and forth with her saying stuff like 'can I blow on your wood for you, sir?"  Vince is totally jealous and calls Jenn over to ask if she likes Joe better and if she wants our of their "us".  He wants to know if she is more attracted to him and if she wants Joe more than him.  It's like Animal Kingdom "the weaker male must now roll over exposing his flaccid penis acquiescing to the alpha male, thus giving up his mate".  Jenn tries to comfort him but he's still creepy.  He is also paranoid and a LONG HUGGER.  UGH.  I utterly hate that in someone.  She's like dude, we smell bad and I don't want you armpit near my body.  I can't wait until tonight when he tries to mount her.  

WC-finally!  Tyler thinks their shelter is only average, and that they should have upgraded to the Travertine tile.  They also are surprised at how hard it is to make fire.  They joke about hiring some blue collar person to make fire.  

Carolyn is convinced So and Jacquin found an idol clue so she stalks So all afternoon.  So leads her to the spot by the well and Carolyn looks for a tree that looks like the typical IDOL HIDDEN HERE tree.  She finds it.  And, that my children, is what 52 years of experience gets ya.

Immunity Challenge!

Race down a ramp, go through an obstacle course, use knots or keys and locks to unlock a ladder, use it to up, over and down, chose a bag of puzzles, do something else with the ladder and then complete a puzzle.  Jeez, Jeff, don't shoot your challenge wad on the first night!  There are 3 bags of puzzles.  One with 5 pieces that's a tangram anagram puzzle (yes, I know that and i know that you are impressed).  The second one has 10 pieces and is that 3D tree from a couple of seasons ago.  Finally, a 50 piece basic squares with a picture puzzle.  

Wanna know?  2 teams get immunity, first place gets a firemaking kit, second gets fling and 3rd gets to have the first loser on it.  

So, out of the gate pretty even.  They get to the locks, and everyone tries the locks-it's like 20 keys 3 locks.  One by one they switch off and do the knots.  So with her origami genetically superior fingers gets the ladder opened first.  NC gets theirs second the the BCs are struggling.  NC is first up to the puzzle and choses the 10 piece one. which is spatial.  WC picks the easy 50 piece one, surprisingly and Shirin starts work on it.  Apparently you can switch out people.  BC finally gets the knots untied, gets the ladder but can't figure out how to use the ladder to get the puzzle!  Finally they do and they also pick the 10 piece tree.  

Joe steps in and finishes the puzzle and NC wins immunity!  Vince's masculinity takes another hit.  Shirin can't get anywhere with the puzzle and Max takes over.  The BC steps up and wins the second immunity, leaving the WCs in the dust.  And you know they hate that!

Everyone is decided that Shirin and Carolyn are the weakest and it has to be a girl going home for strength.  So surprisingly targets Carolyn instead of Shirin because at least Shirin stepped up.  She tells Jacquin and he doesn't care as long as he gets the hot girl.  Carolyn is suspicious that So is talking to everyone so she confronts her and Jacquin who are like, noooooo, it's not you, in their worst lying voices.  She talks to Tyler and tells him she knows that they don't have the idol because she does.  Max is wavering about his "alliance", because he doesn't want to be with the weak kids, he wants to be with the other power people.  Tyler states that someone is gonna be surprised tonight.

Tribal 

Blah blah fire is your life.  Get a new line Jeff.

Jacquin-we explained about the 3 boxes Jeff and why we chose juuuuust right.  

Shirin-there are some biiiiig holes in that story!

Max-I can't blame them because everyone of us ruthless bastards would have done the same thing and lied.

So says she is in an alliance with 4 people. which is a surprise to Carolyn.  So says, yes, me, Tyler, Max and Jacquin.  

Carolyn is like reeeeallllllty.  She tells them Max and Shirrin are with her.  

So tells Carolyn basically we're voting for you.  You don't do anything and you didn't step up.

Carolyn says you lied and you didn't trust me.  Plus all you did was open knots.

Consensus is that opening the knots was a big deal

Carolyn calls bullshit on So.

Tyler says that they need strength

Max-"I'm just thanking the Gods for the perfect Survivor tribal with a wicked downpour and a lot of drama.

Vote. Anyone have an idol???  Carolyn doesn't play it.

Carolyn II

So IIII and is the first out of Survivor: Worlds Apart!! I'll bet she still gets her bonus.  

Survivor: Outwitted and Outplayed!

Yes, I have missed a few updates!  Reed is out, as is Alec.  Natalie flipped her vote from Keith to Alec at the last tribal because she wanted to use Keith to get rid of Jon.  Following tribal she's all "I thought you said I was supposed to vote Alec not Keith".  She sells it pretty convincingly but Jon believes it's all ok.

Natalie tells Keith what she did in switching her vote, and she explains she wants to align with him and Missy/Baylor to get rid of Jon.  He's like 33 days and I finally get an offer!  He's totally down with getting rid of "Mr and Mrs Prom Queen".  

Reward challenge.  They're divided into 2 teams, belted together and for some reason it's a horse theme.  They have to crawl through hay, then go over/under a hitching post thing, grab a bucket and water and carry it over a giant mesh teeter totter, which is kinda scary.  They fill another bucket, opening a gate and , WAIT FOR IT, they have to do a puzzle.  It's Keith, Missy and Jon vs Baylor, Jac and Natalie.  Wanna know?  A spa day with spa food.  

During the challenge Missy falls a couple of time but really twists her ankle.  Keith and Jon kind of carry her through and they get behind.  The girls get to the puzzle first but don't work as well together.  Keith, Jon and Missy win the challenge. They're dancing around all happy and Jac gets mad because she lost.  And, being the giant pussy that he is, Jon says, "did I say I was going?"  He gives his spot to Baylor so they can have a mother daughter bonding experience,  Natalie gets sent to Exile, and I'm guessing the love birds have a bit of dirty sex back at camp.

At the spa, Missy's ankle is really swollen.  Keith tells her "that ain't good".  The spa food is pretty good, Keith even finds some bacon.  "Don't fill up on that rabbit food, Baylor".  Keith is pretty funny and Baylor starts to like him.  Keith gets a shower finally-30 days of funk gone.  He enjoys the massage but "I don't want the guys at the fire station to know about the extra curricular activities".  

Jon and Jac discuss Natalie's screw up.  Jon, ever concerned about the jury, plans to "make sure the jury knows".  Jac is wondering if maybe Natalie and Keith have something up their sleeve but Jon is convinced Natalie would never flip.  He'd never be outwitted by a female.  

On Exile, Natalie misses her sister.

Immunity Challenge- Keith and Baylor basically carry Missy in.  Natalie comes in and they give her a bowl of rice right away.  Missy says she isn't gonna quit but Jeff has the always Australian medical team come take a look at her ankle.  He says it might be broken but they'd have to pull her from the game for an Xray. Remind me again, did they NOT take other people out for Xrays, and then return them or pull them permanently??  Wasn't there a girl with a broken wrist on day 1?  It's totally random and it pisses me off.  Anyway, they decide to immobilize her ankle so she can stay in.   Baylor says she's a fighter.  

The challenge is to stand on little blocks on yet another teeter totter, hold on to handles and balance a vase.  AND THERE'S A LOT OF WIND.  "Out of nowhere mother nature saying hello".  Someone should write a book of stupid Probst comments.  Jac is of course first out.  She wouldn't even be this far without Jon's assistance.  She's just a useless nasty human being. It comes down to Natalie and Jon and Natalie pulls it out and wins immunity!  

Jon is convinced that Natalie winning makes up for her "mistake", and they have a clear shot at Keith now.  "God has a plan and I have to accept it".  Yea, isn't that always easy to say when you think you're getting everything you want??  

Natalie's plan is to split the votes 2 Jon, 2 Jac and then the Prom couple will vote 2 for Keith.  The re-vote will be just Nat, Baylor and Missy.  She tells Keith to act sad like he's going home.  Jac tells Jon she isn't sure that they aren't trying to blindside him but he's too much of an arrogant prick to  listen to her.  

Baylor tries to talk Missy into the plan but Missy treats Jon like her son and she swears she made him a promise to never vote him off.  She won't break her deal.  Missy is frustrated because her mom is a 3 time man loser and is once again putting a man ahead of her daughter.  "She needs to get with the program".  Missy wants to play "truthfully", a trait that bugs the shit out of me.  BUT, she admits the Jon and Jac show might need to come to an end.  

Tribal

Before he even asks the question, Keith starts saying "I can't pierce these 5, I've tried.  But I do have a vote and they could use me"

Jon mumbles again about the 5 and trust. 

Jac tells Jeff she feels strong about the 5 and that she and Jon aren't going anywhere.  

Natalie admits that she is a 3rd swing vote but the blood is thick with the 2 pairs in her alliance.  She reminds them that she hasn't been there in 2 days due to exile.  

Jon says, "yes my finale speech is prepared."  And then trust/loyalty blah blah blah

Missy agrees that yes, this would be a BIG MOVE TIME, But her foot hurts so apparently she can't think clearly.  Could Keith break the 5 up?  Maybe but I'M LOYAL.

Time to vote.  Any idols?  Nope.  Jac is looking at Jon like he's the idiot that he is.  The vote is.....Keith 2, Jac 2 and Jon 2.  Natalie is ecstatic, as is the jury.  Re-vote and Jon is off!  Jac is not gonna be a happy little Prom Queen!

Jeff:  This game is now wide open.  

2 hour finale tomorrow night!  Who's it gonna be?  I can't believe I'm actually leaning towards Natalie for the win!  Be sure to watch Jon on his first day at Ponderosa.  He still didn't realize Natalie orchestrated the whole thing until Alec tells him!  

Good luck to everyone left in the pool!!!

Survivor Flying Idols!

Sorry. bad weather, the holiday and my Dad kept me from the last update.  Basically Jeremy got the boot because he challenged Jon about having an idol.  I actually had to watch Ponderosa after that one to see how he and Josh were getting along but they seemed good, which  you could see last week with them watching that tribal...but I'm getting ahead of myself.  

Just a warning, tonight I believe there are 2 episodes back to back.  You might need to adjust your DVR.

So.  Natalie was  upset that she didn't know about the blindside.  Jon tells her he has an idol to smooth her trust issues.  She wants to give him a taste of his own medicine.

Keith says he thought Reed was going home so he was surprised.  He says Reed is all smart and knows math (which I assume is knowing how to count to 9 at this point).  Reed can't decide whether to suck up to Jon or get rid of him.  

Challenge.  2 teams with that schoolhouse pick, which I understand less than the rock paper scissor thing.  Guess I didn't play may reindeer games in elementary school.  Mostly huddled near the door waiting to go back inside and learn like a good little geek.  The reward is a half assed salute to Nicaragua and their penchant for training poor little boys for the American baseball racket.  They get to hand out gear and eat baseball food.  

Oh, it's this swim, climb a thing, jump off and grab keys, drag a puzzle and then build a puzzle statue.  

Yellow: Reed, Alec, Jac and Jon who I guess are Siamese twins.  Blue is Missy, Baylor, Natalie and Wes.  Keith isn't picked.  Ironically, they are neck and neck in the physical part and then the blue team totally falls apart trying to use a key.  Yellow wins easily.  Baylor is all upset because Missy hasn't won a challenge.  Reed offers her his spot.  And Wes goes to Exile.  

It's a cute reward, and Missy gets "recharged".  Jon gives some kid a taste of his ice cream and then goes on about how Jac can't have children due to something she was born with and how they're just gonna adopt.  I SWEAR if that shit wasn't said in the private confessional I'd think it was another example of "dude, grandma died???"  First his Dad is dying, and now they can't have kids.  

Reed uses the time to get to Keith who he doesn't think really GETS the game.  He tells him that they are all going to split between him and Wes but he wants to blindside Jon instead using his and Alec's vote.  Keith is like dazzled by the strategy and says, "mmmmmkay".  

Natalie gets Baylor and they run off to find the idol. which Natalie finds.  Natalie wants to keep Jon for one more vote, taking another male out first so that they girls will have the numbers.  She wants Reed to go.

Immunity Challenge.  Holy shit it's LITERALLY a crucifixion challenge, only no nails!  The have to stand on a platform with their arms holding the cross until they drop.  

Jeff comes out after 7 minutes with a bowl of candy.  Which Jon jumps for.  Keith says "he must feel safe..."  

Missy falls out.  More food-milk and cookies for 2.  Baylor and Jac jump off.  

After 45 minutes, it's wings and beer.  Wes jumps off immediately to the disrespect of his Dad.  He calls it CRAZY,  Keith also tells Natalie "there's your whole team sitting over there.  You're fighting for them while the rest of us are fighting for our lives".  

Wes is using his facetime with Jeff to share all kinds of things, like how he ate 58 chicken nuggets in 5 minutes in a Eat'n Nuggets Contest.  What, what?  LOL!  He needs a reality show.  

Keith's feet are purple.  He starts to shake and is out after an hour and 45 minutes.  Alec follows him.  

Wes is now asking Jeff about the time he was on 2 Men making bacon in what totally resembles an old Saturday Night Live skit with Chris Farley playing Wes.  "Remember that time you were on 2 men?  That was great..."

It's down to Natalie and Reed.  Reed looks like he can go on forever.  Natalie asks if there's more food to come.  Jeff is like, now, after 3 hours you'd drop for food?  She says, I'm not leaving except for food.  She requests pizza, wings, cookies and water.  Jeff brings it all out and she drops.  

Reed wins immunity!!!  I'm still in the pool!!!  Neither can move.  Reed slumps into a beautiful split and Jeff has to take the necklace over to him.  

Reed is using Jon's stepping down after 7 minutes to show how overconfident he is. He talks everyone into saying they agree with the 4/3 split but he and Alec, with Wes and Keith are going to vote for Jon.  

Tribal

Jac says she doesn't know if anyone is safe.

Baylor-Josh and Jeremy thought they were safe too.

Jeff asks Keith about no idols being played, and he says "somebody feels comfortable".

Natalie says if she had an idol she would feel like it was a curse and a blessing.

Reed points out that 5 people stepped down in the challenge due to feeling comfortable. He wonders aloud if Keith and Wes have an idol?  

Keith says something and then "stick to the plan"

Jon is like, what?

Reed starts talking behind Jon's back about sticking to the plan, and everyone starts talking to each other about plans and stuff and it's TOTALLY OBVIOUS that there are multiple plans going on.

Missy says it's total chaos.  

Baylor says she feels like it's 3 different carnival mirror effects all at once and "i think I'll follow my gut when I get in to vote".  

They vote.  Natalie tells Jon, "Dude, play your idol!".  He's like, ya think I should???  

Jon ultimately plays his idol, and then Keith takes theirs out and offers it to Wes who says, "it's yours".  Keith plays his idol.   Ultimately, Jon would have gone out if he hadn't listened to Natalie, who totally picked up the drama unfolding.  Wes is unfortunately voted out. Everyone knows Reed and Alec flipped.  

Jeff:  You are playing aggressively and risky, Now that you've started you can never go back......

Survivor: Farts Matter

How on earth did we get to the point where my favorite player this season is a freaking TWINNIE?  I don't like anyone left.  So, in the lead in Jeff uses the work WRINKLE like 4 times, and then Missy discusses THE LATEST WRINKLE.  Scripted much??  

Jeremy's fate was saved last week by the quitting trail mix minx.  JonJac are taking their morning love stroll and wondering, "are we being deceitful?  They both think we're in their alliance.  But taking out Jeremy is a BIG MOVE.  

Reward Challenge:  They're split into 2 teams and have to like, load a cart thing up with heavy puzzle pieces, push it about 10 feet, unload it and build a temple thing, then unlock a statue, hoist it up and raise a flag.  Yea, I was raising the fucking white flag just listening to all of the parts of this challenge.  Wanna know what you're playing for?  The trademarked SURVIVOR TACO BAR party!  Because nothing feels better on a stomach that's only been eating rice and fish than spicy meat and chicken, with some greasy cheese!  Holy man, better grab me a big handful of leaves and go shit in the woods!  (although you know there are porta poties-you don't go twenty whatever seasons without a massive e coli infection.  I mean these people can't make fire.  You think they can dig clean latrines???)  

I'll spare you the details but Keith, troll-boy Wes, Jeremy, Reed, and Natalie win.  Jon gets sent to Exile Island.  

So basically it's a mix of people on different alliances.  Natalie asks if they should strategize like normal people do or just eat.  Wes goes with "just eat".  Keith keeps telling him to slooooow down and enjoy the food but you can't talk to a dog with a possum in his sights.  

Keith goes on this strange rant about how Julie was their pick last tribal and boy howdie were they scrambling trying to come up with SOMEONE ELSE to vote off and weeeeeehaaaaaa were they glad when tribal got canceled.  LOL!  Jeremy says "At least Keith is trying to play the game.  He sucks but he's trying".  

Wes:  "It was all fun and games until it wasn't".  He walks his bloated self off.  Keith tells us "he's a good buy, he ain't never been arrested or nothing".  Ahhh, so now we know how low the bar is in that family.  

Back at camp, Josh is all tippytoes to line up an alliance with more numbers than his bitter rival, Jeremy has.  He decides to take another heavy handed swipe at Baylor.  "I think you owe me at least one vote for saving you".  Baylor decides to go all righteous and points out that he's a Christian, with a minister father and shouldn't expect payback for doing the right thing.  People, people, people,  SURVIVOR IS NOT A CHRISTIAN GAME, AND IS  NOT FOUND IN REVELATIONS.  Either shut up about Christianity on the show or go full out and have Survivor: Christians and Atheists.  Let's finally DUKE THIS THING OUT.  

So anyway, Baylor tells Josh she hears "people" saying that she's riding Josh's coattails.  Which Josh takes as Missy controlling her and gives up on her.  

He next talks to Jac.  "WE ARE TOTALLY VOTING WITH YOU, THAT'S A FACT".  

On Exile, Jon gets a clue to a new idol hidden on EI.  And then he finds it.  Hmmmmm.  Perhaps the cameramen are like my dog who keeps looking at me, and then at the treat jar, then at me, then at the treat jar.....

Back at camp, boys will be boys.  All the women are complaining about the men being crude and rude around them.  Even Jeremy is complaining about it.  They rush in to eat first, and make the women clean up and take out their trash.  Keith totally rags on Baylor, telling her she's lazy and making her get wood.  Alec tells them "hey, keep that fire going girls.  I know Natalie will but the rest on them? "  Jac, Nat and Baylor sit around complaining.  Jac is upset that they act like they already have her vote and don't have to work for it.  Pssst, honey, when you just hang around making out with your boyfriend no one is gonna think you have any gameplay in you.  

Keith tells the guys he's a little worried about Jac.  Nah, she'll do whatever Jon tells her to do and he's with us manly men.  

Immunity Challenge.  It's the remember a sequence of tiles thing.  Jon is out almost immediately because I guess he hasn't eaten in 2 days.  Keith, Wes, a bunch of them get out.  Like, they're not even confused about the ORDER of the symbols, they're holding up symbols THAT AREN'T EVEN BEING USED.  LOL!  It comes down, as all good well scripted dramas do, between Josh and Jeremy, and Jeremy wins immunity.  

Jeremy knows it's all about JonJac.  Josh and company are going for Baylor.  Jac tells Jon that she doesn't like the boys anymore because they were rude to her, several of them were still farting up the taco buffet, and they don't really even talk to her or treat her like they are in an alliance when he's not around.  On the one hand she's right but on the other she is so into hanging with Jon that SHE HERSELF NEVER INTERACTS WITH THE PEOPLE IN HER "ALLIANCE".   Babe, YOU AIN'T WINNING A MILLION DOLLARS.  Let me break it to you.  She also points out that they are much stronger and will win challenges, while they can totally take Baylor and Missy.  

Reed walks up and basically ignores Jac and tells them to vote for Baylor.  Goes on about how much he's missed Jon.  It's kind of awkward.  

Missy tells Keith that he's basically Jon's bitch.  He tells her Baylor is going home next.  Says she's lazy and Missy overcompensates for her and does her work.  They go back and forth about who's the worst parent.  

Jac is still holding pouting and working on Jon.  

Tribal

Jeremy: Yes, genius, I needed immunity

Josh: Whaaaa, I needed it too

Jac: John and me are swing votes.  We've also been so dumb'd down from these hicks we've lost basic grammar

Nat says something about being protective over her original tribe, which I assume means Jon.  She also points out that around camp the guys treated Jac like crap

Jac jumps on that and is PISSED.  They disrespected me, and me and Jon talk and decide things together.  

Missy goes further saying it's like a frat house with the belching, farting and spitting.

Keith says he hasn't heard Wes fart in a bit.  LOL.  Everyone here has gas!  It ain't the Hilton!

Reed says that he's been polite.  He tries to work on JonJac saying the singles will try to pull them apart by voting one of them off.  

Jon says something about abrupt changes being scary.  Or whatever.  

Vote.  

Baylor 5, Josh 6.  Josh, it's time to take your final bow.  

SURVIVOR: Dried Fruit and Nuts

So, we come to the merge!  When apparently the REAL GAMES begin.  But first, a little drama with Keith being upset that he got votes along with Dale.  Missy tells Keith he did it to protect her daughter.  He's done with them, DONE I SAY.  

As an aside, did you know Keith is 53?  Life in the south really is harder.  And is it me or is this a boring season so far?  I mean, the only drama is between a black dude and a white NYC dancer.  And most of that is just bitching about each other behind the camera.  I'm afraid someone's gonna bust out some West Side Story songs any minute!  

Ok, it's MERGE TIME.  They have to take all their gear and hike up to a nice little picnic while the crew cleans up the camps.  Josh and Reed bitch about not getting Jeremy off first. Oh, I mean not VOTING Jeremy off first.  Meanwhile, Jeremy says Josh and Reed are running the show and he wants to CRUSH them.  

Jon and Jac are thrilled for the merge because "no one dates people who don't make the merge.  So now we can keep dating"!  Yay!!!  Awww. their hobbies are both "learning about wine".  How adorable.  Here's all you need to know. Open bottle, fill glass and drink.  There's red, white and crappy pink shit.  It's a beverage people, no need to over think it.  They both talk and decide to "keep their options open" after the merge.  

So, now we will here more drivel about the SIGNIFICANCE OF HAVING OR NOT HAVING YOUR LOVED ONE WITH YOU.  Hey, does anyone know if Jeff still has that crappy talk show?  

And there's food. Question: Was trading everything for that rice wise?  Julie is sad that JR isn't there and she has to watch the other loved ones be loved ones.  Julie, honey, use the time apart to re-evaluate this relationship!  I mean, you're 34.  You've already got the fake boobs and the injected lips.  Do you really want to be known as still a long term girlfriend

 who clearly just had another skin peel?  Think about it, you're personal claim to fame is "creating my company True Glow Spray Tan."  I mean, you didn't even invent the spray tan!  

So it's back to Coyopa beach.  They name the new tribe Hoyopa.  LOL.  Here's HOYOPING this season gets better!  

Jeremy is scrambling.  He has Natalie and Julie but needs to pull in 2 couples.  He talks to Jon.  "Josh is running everything.  Join us and bring Baylor and the divorcee".  

Josh thinks Jeremy is scrambling and he tells Reed they need to get the numbers before he does.  He "reminds" Baylor that he saved her life.  She tells him she'll talk to her momma and get back to him.  Missy isn't going along.  Says, I already hooked up with the single people.  LOL- of COURSE SHE DID.  Baylor feels bad and wants to tell Josh but Mom is like, SUCK IT UP.  

Josh tries working Jon/Jac.  They're in the middle again.  He tells them, "who's going to give 2 Broadway STARS a million dollars?  Jon/Jac think that because they are Broadway stars they may fuck it up.  But they do see the benefit of being with the couples.  You're guaranteed Top 5 and 6.  

Aaaaaaaaaand now the TRAIL MIX caper.  Julie, who has been much photographed laying in the sun (missing that spray tan, arentcha girlfriend) tonight, pocketed some trail mix at the merge partay and the hungry hoards are sniffing around for it.  While she's out eating a dried apricot, they decide to do a bag search (is that unethical??) and they find, steal and eat her stash.  "Selfish  bitch".  "Why does she think she's better than us??"  "Air of entitlement".  WOW!  

Immunity Challenge.  It's actually hard.  Balance a ball on a disk held with 2 ropes.  Balance for 10 minutes, then a longer rope, then another 10 minutes and a second ball is added.  OH AND THE WIND!  OMG THE WIND!  Jeff talks about the WIND for the next 10 minutes.  Hey a belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Jeff!  He turned THE SANE AGE AS KEITH on Nov 4.  Here's another interesting tidbit-he has a net worth of $40 million.  This world is fucked up.  He makes $4 million a year doing 40 days in the jungle basically.  

Jeremy is out very fast.  As is Missy and Julie.  Second round, Reed, Baylor, Alec, Jac and Natalie are out. In the final round, Josh then Jon are out leaving it a father-son competition.  Dad wins!  He still has some juice at the age of 53!  

Jeremy is pissed off at being first out.  "I was out before even JULIE!"  But at least we have the numbers.  

Alec says something snarky about the trail mix and Julie is upset.  She talks to Momma Bear, tells her "my head isn't in the game" -as if that was ever a possibility.  Missy asks her to not quit tonight because they need the numbers, which only makes Julie more upset.  "They are using me...."

Jon says he's done a 180 on the alliance. I guess he can't associate with someone who pockets trail mix.  LOL-dude, you're a financial analyst, you hang around worse criminals every damn day!!  

Hey, WHERE IS JULIE AND HER BAG????  Well, she's talking to Jeff.  "It's SOOOO HAAAAAARD".  " I can't stand being alllloooooooone.  I've had a boyfriend since 3rd grade.  JR and I have been together for 3 yeeeeeaaaaars.  We haven't been apart for more than 4 daaaaaays.  Jeff points out that kids go to summer camp for longer than Survivor.  LOL!!  "I think I'm out.  I'm judged constantly about being vain (check), about my boobs being too big (check and check).  I can't stay just because they need my vote, I can't compromise....something.  Whatever.  Frankly I think she's afraid JR is off bonking the hell out of everything that moves without her there to watch him.  

She quits.  And at camp.....Jeff arrives.  Which is never good.  I have bad news.  Julie is out.  Jeremy shits himself.  "Some of you look sad and some happy"  

Josh: It's a complicated game

Jeremy : it's ridiculous for her to quit

Alec: She had it hard

Jac: She dug herself a hole by stealing food.  Food is HUGE

Jon: She had to face the fact that she is selfish.

The good news?  No one is going home tonight...... DAMMIT!!!  

Survivor: Bye Bye Bigot

Ahhhhhhh.  Gone, gone, gone.  But we'll get there....

After almost getting voted off, Baylor says she's "finally waking up".  Always a good plan on Survivor.  JR wants to know who flipped on their vote?  Josh admits he did because he figured out Baylor was in trouble.  He's losing trust in JR.  

The blue tribe is awaiting a massive rainstorm.  They decide they need an actual roof, so they all get cracking weaving palm leaves (neatly stacked by the electronic fence by the production crew...)  Well, almost all.  Drew decides he isn't a weaver and takes a nap, snoring loudly.  Dale admits he's wup him if he were his son, because they still do that down south.  Natalie is getting all feisty this episode and she rants and rants about Drew.  Even Jeremy is getting into the anti-Drew camp.  

Challenge-Val was voted out. Jeremy is pissed.  He says "y'all need to step it up and stop letting the men over there run the game".  JR explains that he gave Jeremy his word that he'd help Val and he couldn't pull it off.  Josh is like WTF?????  

The challenge is another balance thing, this time on a moving beam while they transfer flat squares.  Wanna know?  It's the Jeff Probst collection of pillows and blankets, available at TARGET.  Or, you can chose the fishing gear from last week.  Yellow decides Keith probably isn't gonna do that well so Keith and Wes go head to head.  Oh, and rock breaks scissors apparently.  

After about 10 minutes of Jeff blathering about fathers and sons, and how the father is getting old (he's fucking my age douchebag) and the son is now ready to step into the dad pants and take over or some such crap.  Except, Jeff, this kid has some strange genetic mutation going on.  

Anyway.  Keith falls once, Wes pulls ahead and wins.  Keith gets all emotional and Jeff jumps on that.  Wes, is he like this at home?  Wes gets all emotional and says, "no, most of the time he's wupping me with a fence post".  They do the bro hug/back slapping thang.  

He sends gay Josh to partay with his father.  Personally I think it's a prelude to Wes coming out........as a broadway dancer.  

Jeremy is pissed at JR.  Julie goes off to cry.  "Y'all don't know John Rocker is!  He's a racist, bigoted ahole."  Natalie wants Julie out.  Julie is all upset about JR now having a target on his back.  The tribe Mom tells her she has to play her game not JR's.  She probably also told her about her 3 divorces and strongly suggested she GET THE HELL OUT NOW.  

And a strange clip of a bird getting knocked over by a wave.  

Over at Exile, it's BARREN AND FULL OF ROCKS.  Actually, I am going to only call it BARREN AND ROCKLESS ISLAND.  They are sharing the clue and both realize that JR and Jeremy might both have idols.  They find some snails to eat and the 2 get along surprisingly well.  "Josh is a good ol boy.  But he's not MY good ol boy.  There ain't gonna be no spooning going on.  We don't have many Josh's in Louisiana".  

JR gets on providing fish to prove his worth. Baylor is scrambling and trying to pull the young guys over to her side to get JR out.  Alec says Baylor is just trying to crawl out of last place.  

Challenge.  It is apparently brought to you by Kinex.  It's this maze thing of bamboo that, in pairs, they have to climb over/under and retrieve a basketball and then sink a basket.  

Jon and Natalie vs Josh and Baylor.  Both miss but finally Jon makes it.

Wes and Alec vs Missy and Julie.  Alec hits Julie intentionally.  Wes makes the shot

Drew and Reed vs JR and Jaclyn.  JR takes a shot at Reed but gets the basket.

Josh and Baylor vs Jeremy and Kelly.  Baylor misses, Jeremy makes the shot for a 2-2 tie.

It all comes down to Wes/Alec and Jon/Natalie.  Wes takes a shot at Natalie, then they both miss.  Jon makes the shot and the yellow tribe wins their 3rd immunity challenge.  Natalie goes full blown twinnie, yelling at JR, calling him a bigot and a racist.  "Classy Natalie".  Julie: they're saying he's a racist because of the Sports Illustrated article.  Dale says they all stand behind him.  JR yells at Natalie "If you were a man I'd knock your teeth down your throat".  Yea, uncool.  Even his GF is trying to get him to shut up.  He says, "let's take the Kinex down and fight".  

Hmmm, Josh thinks maybe JR isn't playing his best game.....

Baylor thinks she's in trouble.  She has no respect for JR.  He's all "Natalie called me a homophobe yet I'm tight with a gay guy" in that classic "some of my best friends are gay/black/whatever" excuse.  JR tries to talk the girls into getting rid of Dale, even though he's gunning for Baylor.  The girls aren't really interested in Dale.  

Josh doesn't think JR is being honest.  JR told him he has an idol but he didn't volunteer that earlier.  Wes and Josh talk, Josh tells him about the idol.  We need to blindside him.  They decide to get Alec in with them and Baylor to blindside JR.  Alec thinks JR is a big asset in the challenges.  Wes tells him JR can't know because he has an idol.  

Tribal

JR-is there fallout with Jeremy?  I promised I'd help Val but she bluffed about her idols and I couldn't save her.  

Wes-I'm not too happy about that secret agreement

Alec-Man, that Natalie was all over JR! 

JR-No idea why, it's not like I'm the leader or anything!

Jaclyn-they were all gunning for me and Baylor to get rid of JR.  It makes me feel like a target if we go into the merge.  However, I feel like there is some shifting in alliances going on...

Wes-is there a big shift happening?  I'm not worried.

Josh-You worried?  Not really but people are being told different things...

Baylor-the most important thing we need to do is GET THE DARK CLOUD OFF OF US.  

Vote.  Anyone wanna play an idol?  Nope. 

Baylor 2....JR 4 votes.  Ahhhhhhhh.  All the best jackasses leave with an idol in their pocket.  

Total blindside.  "Well Played".  Sorry Sellman, you will not be the lucky bastard this season!  

Survivor Week 2: How Many Idols??

So bang, right off the bat, Baylor is pissed at Josh for voting for her.  He convinces her that "there is a method to my madness", and that he's trying to hide their alliance.  

Over at the blue tribe, they've lost another flint.  Personally I was willing to blame the monkeys (although I am 100% sure there is an electric fence actually keeping any wild life out of camp) but Jon admits he was the last to use it, throws himself on his sword and  sucks it up like a man.  

Aaaand, right into the challenge.  Nadya is missing and Jeff has to probe that raw nerve over and over until he gets Natalie to cry.  And she apparently never cries.  

Challenge: One person from the tribe goes against their loved one to balance a bar while navigating an "obstacle course", then they get to play skeeball.  Now, knowing if you win you get to send your loved one to Exile, or if you lose you get to go, WHY WOULD ANYONE VOLUNTEER TO DO THESE CHALLENGES???  Wanna know what you win?  Cabelos Bargain Cave of fishing equipment!  Rock, paper, scissors.  Paper covers scissors.  One day I will understand this.  They must have taught it in boys gym not girls.  

John Rocker (JR) goes up against his full breasted "long term no commitment girlfriend".  Who is a dead ringer for a cheaper version of Angelina Jolie.  Or maybe they get the same lip injections.  JR is a neck cracker.  As was an old douchebag boyfriend of mine.  So, yea, I totally hate him.  

Julie totally kicks his ass.  He repeatedly drops the ball and we begin to see the oh so predictable steroid induced temper tantrums.  She wins, and is happy because "he always wins at physical  challenges, including date rape".  He's upset because "I got beat by a girl".  JULIE, HONEY, THERE IS STILL TIME FOR YOU TO GET OUTTA THIS RELATIONSHIP.

She decides to send Jeremy to Exile with JR.  So the blue tribe wins the fishing gear.  "Um, Jeff, we have a problem and have a little deal to make you.  We lost our flint and would like to trade a half (or almost full) a bag of beans for new flint".  Oooh, we get to see the ANGRY JEFF.  "You want to KEEP all of the fishing gear, AND GET FLINT, for a shitty bag of beans?  "  He explains he doesn't need to make a deal, and reams them for waiting until AFTER they won the fishing gear to make the deal, instead of coming in from the start and admitting it, THEN trading the only thing they had.  He's PISSED that they waited until they won the fishing gear to propose the deal.  Hey, Jeff, it is SURVIVOR.....  He wants them to trade all the fishing gear for flint, and tells them, like any good Asians selling purses on the street, "you come back, price go up"  After hemming and hawing they decide to take the flint.  

Natalie is back at camp and crying.  All of the girls comfort.  Now we get to see if both sisters are annoying bitches or it was just Nadya all along.  

Yellow:

Dale and the other guys figure out who John Rocker is.  Dale remembers most of the story of racist and bigoted comments coming out of the Sports Illustrated interview.  Josh considers whether he might have changed, but also thinks someone like that is great to take with you because he is gonna be hated.  

Oh Exile, Jeremy knows who John Rocker is.  I guess it would be like all women recognizing Tanya Harding??  And NOTE TO MARK BURNETT- WHAT IS TANYA DOING NEXT SEASON???  He's upset because there are no coconuts.  It's ok, you're apparently only going to be there for about 20 minutes.  They find the urns.  JRs is empty but Jeremy shares his clue with him with the caveat that he use it to protect Val and he will protect Julie.  

Immunity Challenge.  In comes JR and Jeremy.  It's a water challenge!  God, I remember when every challenge started with "swim out and get X".  They rarely use the water anymore!  It's a sumo wrestling challenge on a floating platform.  

First up, Jaclyn takes on Kelley.  Jac has to first adjust her breast implants.  Like in a major way.  She kick Kelley's butt.

Then the brothers go head to head.  It's kind of a grudge match.  Drew wins.

Jeremy loses to the strange little cabbage patch kid, Wes.

Natalie kicks Val's ass.  Literally.  That girl can fight.

JR, who is looking fat to me, loses to Jon.  His nose is bleeding and when asked about it he shouts a strange profanity word. 

Then it's the mother and daughter pair, Missy and Baylor.  They're all determined to have it out, picturing each other as their least favorite of the ex husbands.  Jeff apparently likes to watch mothers and daughters get down and dirty fighting.  First second of contact and Missy splits Baylor's lip.  It freaks Missy out, watching Baylor cry and she loses her drive,  Baylor for the win.

Josh goes up against Reed.  "Go Josh" "It's Reed that's on our tribe..."  LOL!  Reed kicks butt, and they enjoy it way too much.  

Keith against Dale, Dale wins

And it comes down to Dale's daughter Kelley vs boob woman, Jaclyn.  Dale is upset because it is also his daughter's birthday but he doesn't want to lose.  He chooses not to watch.  Kelley wins and the blue tribe yet again wins immunity!  

Yellow:

Val decides it's "time to make big moves".  ahhhh, that always ends well.....  Dale walks up to Jaclyn and they have a good natured "I currently hate your daughter but I'll get over it".  

Val and JR take a walk together.  He tells her that Jeremy got the clue and shared it with him.  She asks "Did you find the other idol hidden on Exile?  Because I got that one AND the one from here."  JR goes looking for the idol and finds it but doesn't question the fact that Val lied to him.  THERE IS NEVER AN IDOL HIDDEN AT CAMP UNTIL ONE IS USED PEOPLE.  He then talks to Josh and Wes, tells them about the idol she has and says they should split the vote 3 for Val and 3 for Baylor.  He's trying to save Val so Jeremy will keep his GF safe.  Val also announces to JR and Jaclyn that she has 2 idols and that she's gonna use them to save herself and Jaclyn.  I still don't understand this reasoning.  

Josh is suspicious because he's seen JR and Val walking out together and that has never happened.  Wes thinks the idol needs to be flushed out.  

JR then tells Val the plan, telling her she has GOT to play her  idol.  Val doesn't say anything about the fact that she doesn't have an idol (BTW, what the hell does Dale have??)  She decides that she and Jaclyn will just swing their votes to Baylor, who will go down 5-3.  

Josh decides to make a move: “Tonight what it ends up coming down to is what do I think is going to get me to the top.”

Tribal:

I love it when Jeff acts all pissed that they're losers again.  

Dale: You are 0-4.  Yes, Jeff we have not made good strategic decisions.  Almost every time we put loved ones together, for reasons other than strategy, they lost.

Alex:  I just wanted a chance to revenge my Teddy Bear that Drew buried in the back yard when we were 4.  He laments that they go with emotion instead of thinking in advance.  

JR:  We're gonna gel....

Jeff:  YOU DON'T HAVE TIME

Josh goes on this really strange loooooong explanation about putting on a Broadway Show, and having time to close down, redo the dance numbers and open again to success.  It's truly bizarre but I think it's about how they need to take a few weeks off at Club Med, and rework a few things.  

Val goes off in full angry black woman gear.  "There are people in camp who try to play both sides".  She's mad because she doesn't really have many social skills.  She calls out Baylor, 

Jaclyn says, "yea, Baylor flipped after she told me to vote for Dale"

Baylor: Did not

Val: Only the girls would talk to me and YOU TOLD ME TO VOTE FOR DALE

Baylor: WOW

Val: WOW IS RIGHT BITCH

Wes: Val says she has 2 idols, the impact of which is to vote for her and draw the idols out

Val: I'm not nervous......

Time to vote.  Anyone got an idol?  Crickets.  JR makes an exploding head motion

It's Val 4, Baylor 4.  Tied.  They revote KNOWING THERE IS NO IDOL, and Val is toast.  

Jeff:  SOMETHING HAS GOT TO CHANGE.......