Survivor-Almost the End!

Ahhhh, and so we come to the finale of yet another season of Survivor.  Wasn't my favorite, to say the least.  And frankly the thought that I want Mike to win tells you how much I dislike so many of these people.

Shirin is now on the Jury.  I have to watch Ponderosa and see how annoying she is there.  We're down to Mike, Sierra, Carolyn, Boston Rod, Dan and.....wait, isn't there someone else?  Oh RIGHT, Will who I believe hasn't spoken in 35 days.  I cannot believe he is the same dude on that youtube video singing with his wife.  And speaking of wives, no loved one visits this season??  No disgusting food this season?  

Ok.  Mike realizes he needs an idol or immunity.  Dan hates Mike.  Thinks he is "arrogant and condescending" which is the pot calling the kettle black.  Carolyn is scrambling for options and looking towards Mike to hedge her bets.  She and Mike agree that Dan has to go.  She tells him what the advantage Dan has is. 

Challenge.  It's  obstacles, knots, a hatched, rope and......a word puzzle. Wanna know?  A helicopter ride followed by surf and turf.  Jeff has to point out that Rodney still hasn't won reward.  Jeff asks if he feels entitled to going on the reward and he AGAIN says something about his BIRT-DAY.  Jeff also points out that it's called a reward because you earn it and Mike suggests Rodney WIN ONE.  

Teams of 3 with Dan, Sierra and Rodney vs Carolyn, Mike and Will.  It comes down to the puzzle and no body can get it.  They basically look at letters for an hour until Jeff begins to give clues.  Sierra isn't listening to Jeff but Carolyn is.  "it's from the commercials.....order now....comes with everything...."  Carolyn figures it out and they win reward.  "This reward comes with all the fixins"  Rodney is a loser again.  Carolyn debates giving her spot to him.  Jeff points out it's maybe worth it for Rodney's jury vote BUT a full bellied Rodney might be stronger.  In the end she chooses not to give it to him.  

The helicopter ride is STUNNING.  And they eat.  Mike asks if they would consider these 3 as final 3.  Will says basically nope.  You are public enemy #1.  He then asks to not let Rodney beat him.  Mike isn't 100% sure about Carolyn.  

Rodney is upset.  SURF AND TURF IS MY FAVORITE THING IN THE WORLD, right after my BIRT DAY.  He says Carolyn is out after Mike.  

Dan finds a melon and they eat it.  It revives Rodney.  

Mike tries to sway Sierra, tells her "those 3 are not taking you with them to the finale".  Although she agrees she also thinks Mike has to go because he would win if he made it to the final 3.  

Immunity Challenge.  Grappling hooks, catch and drag 3 bags, use one bag on the table maze.  

LEZ DO IT.

Mike gets his balls first.  He gets a lead on the puzzle until Dan gets his balls.  Rodney keeps basically catching his foot with the hook.  Sierra also gets her balls.  It comes down to these 3.  Dan drops his ball.  "I SUCK AT LIFE".  It comes down to Sierra and Mike with balls in the inner circle, circling the drain......and MIKE. WINS.  IMMUNITY!!!  He says it feels like 4th of July in Texas!!  Which must be exciting what with all the morons shooting their many guns into the air.  

Dan says Carolyn is next up.  Will, Boston Rod and Sierra all say yep.  Although Sierra isn't totally sure.  Mike and Carolyn thinks Dan.  Mike thinks maybe he'll mess with them.  He talks to Dan and tells him that his alliance is all gunning for him.  Dan freaks out.  YOU HAVE THE UNMITIGATED GALL to tell me that???  I don't believe it.  Ok.  I gotta jump in here and say if you ever find yourself about to use the term UNMITIGATED GALL...just don't.  Please.  Nothing says asshole like that expression. Mike calls him uppity.  

Mike runs up to Sierra and Carolyn and tells them it's gonna be one of them.  He says, "look who is sleeping in the shelter".  Dan and Rodney.  "Apparently they feel that safe tonight.  Carolyn and Sierra thinks Mike is getting psycho.  Although Carolyn isn't too sure....

Tribal

Jeff asks some standard ass thing about trust.

Mike says there are some people not acting trustworthy or something.  He points out that he's the common enemy but tonight he is safe.

Rodney tries to answer the question but his brain, such as it is, is fried.  He says something about not even wanting to be near his mother 24/7 without wanting to kill her and I think once again he needs to move out of his mother's basement.

Carolyn says she wants to trust but at this point everyone is trying to save themselves.

Dan says Carolyn should be worried because she's proven herself but he also thinks he's on the chopping block

Will mentions something about the advantage Dan has

Sierra says there has been tons of talk about idols and the advantage.

Dan admits tonight might be a good time to use his advantage.....or maybe next week......

Time to vote.  Dan uses his extra vote to nail another one in Carolyn's coffin.  And then Carolyn plays the idol.  LOL!!!!!  You have gotta love surprise idols!  Carolyn gets 5 non counting votes and DAN IS ON THE JURY!!!!  

Enjoy tonight's finale!  Good luck to those of you still in it!  

Survivor Birt-Day Edition

Yea, yea, I missed last week.  It ain't like you are paying me to do this job. 

I get the sense this season will end this Sunday?  Or hopefully sometime soon?  The fact that I'm now thinking Texas Mike should win tells you all you need to know.  

So, week before last some shit happened, Dan got 2 votes at tribal and Shirin was sent to Ponderosa. 

Dan figures out Will and Tyler voted for him.  Seriously Dan, you are a bloated old man who is socially inept. You should have been voted out long ago.  

Tree mail- yada yada feed your soul.  Rodney thinks, no biggie, it's MY BIRT-DAY and everyone will want to take me on the reward challenge.  I have faith in these people.  LOL!!

It's 2 teams of 3, the black dude of course has to sit out and have no chance at eating.  Hell, he's lucky he's still there.  The challenge involves a may pole. a key, a ladder, some balls and a shooting thingy with baskets for the balls.  Team 1: Dan, Tyler and the Birt-day boy.  Team 2 is Mama C, Mike and Sierra.  Wanna know?  Our contract with the Nicaragua government says we have to give out bikes and shit to poor orphans BECAUSE OF SOCIALISM.  Or something.  And I got $20 says they picked through every orphanage in Nicaragua to find the attractive kids, and gave them new clothes that had to be returned.  Oh and FOOD.  BBQ.  Remember when they actually gave a shit about the host country and tried to get a little local culture in?  Yea, those days are long gone.  I haven't seen a fake tribal member yet.  

So, Rodney fucks up and forgets his balls and has to go back.  But it still gets tied.  Mike is shooting for his team and won't give it up when he sucks.  Dan is shooting for his gang.  Mike, Sierra and Carolyn win reward.  Rodney pitches a fit because IT'S MY BIRT-DAY.  MIke says, yea but I need food.  Carolyn is a no I am not giving up my reward, and Sierra says well, if it was an individual reward and we could chose maybe, but now?  Not so much.  

Rodney is epic mad.  IT'S MY BIRT-DAY....."BERGAZI"  (Ok, what the fuck does that mean??)  THEY TURNED ME INTO PSYCHO RODNEY

And then, orphans.  And food.  Carolyn says this is worth the beating we're gonna get.  "You're on Survivor for god sake, how bad could your BIRT-DAY be??  She also sees Mike as perhaps a new partner.  

Rodney is PISSED and is WASHING DISHES ON HIS BIRT-DAY.  Seriously dude, I have done a fucking lot worse on my BIRT-DAYS.  I just see him at home, still living in his parent's Boston basement being woken up every year by his mom with a fucking cake and candles.  

Tyler says he has to cool off  but Dan argues that there is no cooling off, this is the real Rodney.  

Rodney is PISSED AT MAMA C.  Because it's his BIRT-DAY.

Dan thinks it's getting out of hand.  Rodney decides it's time for the ultimate blindside.  He is gonna pretend he's SO DONE WITH THE GAME that he wants to be voted off.  Mike will believe it and not use his idol.

Tyler thinks this is nuts.  He thinks Mike will see right through it and play his idol.  And then Tyler will be screwed.  Rodney explains that he's A GREAT ACTOR.  

 

Everyone returns and Rodney keeps hitting on the BUT IT WAS MY BIRT-DAY song and dance and Mike sees through it in like 5 seconds.  

Tyler talks to Carolyn.  She says basically he has to win immunity.  He asks what about her immunity idol.....  Carolyn thinks he's getting dangerous because he knows about her idol.  

Immunity Challenge.  It's a lean back over the water with a rope and periodically move down a knot thing.  Jeff-Rodney, you seem to be struggling?  YES JEFF I AM DONE WITH THIS GAME.  Jeff: Oh is this your birt-day bullshit again?  YES IT WAS THE WORST BIRT-DAY OF MY LIFE.  ALMOST AS BAD AS WHEN MY MOM MAKE FUCKING VANILLA CAKE WHEN I WAS EXPECTING CHOCOLATE.  OR WHEN I GOT THE WRONG COLOR HOT WHEEL. OR WHEN MY STOOPID MOTHER BOUGHT THE BATMAN PAPER PLATES WHEN EVERYONE KNEW BATMAN WAS FUCKING LAME.   OR WHEN EVERYONE AT THE BAR DIDN'T BUY ME A ROUND.   

Carolyn chimes in with "loving life Jeff.  Best adventure ever".

It comes down to Tyler an Carolyn and Tyler lets go leaving Carolyn to win immunity.  

Carolyn tries to figure out what to do .  They are still going along with the Mike fake out, but there needs to be another sacrificial lamb.  Dan thinks it's either him, Mike or Tyler.  Carolyn thinks the girls should vote Tyler and the boys Mike.  Dan wants Will on the chopping list because he voted for him but Rodney is adamant.  Will and Tyler decide on Dan to knock out the advantage.  

Mike and Carolyn decide to tell Tyler Dan but vote for Tyler.  Carolyn also has permanent eye liner.  

Tribal

Mike-you still a tight 6?  I have my idol Jeff.  Tyler and Dan should be worried. I'm enjoying this.

Dan-I got 2 votes last week and I know who they were from.  

Tyler-I touched base with my alliance.  Mike is charismatic so who knows who he conned.  

Hmmmm, the Dad advantage?

Carolyn says no one knows which is a lie since she and Tyler looked through his stuff last week.

Dan says everyone approached him for their vote.

Sierra-time for a big move?  Yes.  

Tyler-yes, Jeff, it's now time to decide which asshole you can beat.  I would be surprised if it was me.  

Vote.  Mike plays his idol.  Gets like 4 votes that DO NOT COUNT and Tyler is sent packing.  

Survivor-Twofer Update

Hello!  And welcome back to me.  I know you all missed the last 2 updates so here we go...

Last time I commented, Hali had been sent to the jury.  

Rodney is all full of himself, playing both sides and "just waiting for his time".  Shirin, the hopeless outsider is still trying to find a way to fit in.  Mike approaches her and asks her what her perfect strategy would be, and she says she'd go for Carolyn because Carolyn is part of a tight 4 within their presumed 6 alliance.  Mike is all, "I know that".  Mike asks if she would go along with him and she agrees.  However she thinks it'll be for only one vote and then "she can start taking control".  

Challenge

Merika is split into 2 teams, and it's a water obstacle course with a platform, and then they have to hook 5 rings.  Wanna know?  You're playing for a chance to go to the Chocolate Cafe PROVIDED BY MARS, MAKERS OF PEANUT M&Ms.  Blue team is Mike, Tyler, Shirin, Dan and Sierra while Red team is Rodney, Jenn, Joe, Carolyn and Will.  Carolyn falls....Shirin falls.....we're tied and then THE BLUE TEAM WINS.   Jenn is totally distraught and bummed out.  Joe says "it's still a good day to be on Survivor".  

At the chocolate cafe Mike films a snickers commercial.  

The red team thinks, fuck it, we're eating one of these chickens.  Jenn is even sadder and full of despair at the loss of another of her "friends".  Rodney amuses everyone by doing pretty good impressions of Mike and Dan.  Joe realizes that Rodney really doesn't like Mike.  

Joe and Jenn talk.  Jenn doesn't want to be there anymore.  She wants him to let her win immunity if it comes down to them, and then she'll switch it out and give him the necklace at the last minute.  Just because that would be fun to screw with the cool kids.  

Immunity Challenge:  It's the balance on your toes while holding a block on your head against the upper frame challenge.  Joe is in the final 4 but doesn't make it.  His only hope Jenn, is last up with Tyler....but Tyler wins immunity.  Booooo.  

Shirin, who endlessly runs the numbers in her noggin, sees that there could be a "numbers loophole" where by the blue team will split the vote 3 for Jenn, 3 for Joe and Shirin could actually be a swing vote to cause either a tie or a 4 vote advantage for either Jenn or Joe.  Jenn talks to Shirin and asks that she votes for her instead of Joe.  

Mike realizes one person could mess things up.  He tells Shirin who to vote for and makes it clear it's a loyalty thing.  

Joe realizes his only bet is to fake an idol.  Mike has everyone watching Joe all day so Joe takes Dan outside of camp to talk to him.  After they finish Dan returns to camp and Joe sprints away to his collection of stuff which he uses to make a fake idol (FYI-he makes jewelry for a "living" which probably means he wires shit together and sells it at tacky craft fairs.  I know because I have had the booth next to him a bazillion times).  

Mike sees Dan is like "WHERE THE HELL IS JOE".  Dan is like, oh yea I was supposed to watch him.  Mike runs off into the jungle and finds Joe.  Joe says he has an idol and he is willing to vote for Jenn in exchange for the idol if Joe gets to stay.  Mike knows he has an idol but wonders if there is another idol.  Mike wants the idol in advance but Joe doesn't want to give it to him in advance of tribal.

Tribal

Joe hands Mike his fake idol.  

Jenn admits to Jeff that she is apathetic.  " A lot of good stuff and a lot of bad stuff is happening" She tells Jeff that she was hoping to win immunity so she could give it to Joe because everyone is gunning for him.  But she says she is not quitting.

Joe points out that he wants to be there but Jenn is done emotionally

Shirin says something about it being to her advantage for Jenn to be there at the end not Joe

Mike asks Jeff to verify the idol but Jeff says he can't verify it until it's played

Vote.

Any idols?  Mike plays the fake one "for Will".  Jeff confirms it's fake.  

Aaaaaaand, Joe is voted out.  WHAAAAAAAAA.  THERE IS NO ONE TO ROOT FOR ANYMORE!!!

And the following week begins now.....

Rodney is talking to his final 4 about how now may be the time to take Mike out.  Aaaand, Mike overhears the entire thing.  

Bang, we're at the Trader Jeff's auction.  Everyone gets $500, no sharing.  First up is a covered item, which Will buys for $100.  It contains a note.....that says "bye bye your time at the auction is over".  It's quite bullshit.  Shirin buys Chicken and Waffles for $300 and says she isn't waiting for the advantage.  Jeff asks who is waiting for the advantage?  Dan, Carolyn and Mike say they aren't gonna go for any food.  

So Jeff basically sells out all of the food to those who are eating.  And then, the love letters from home. Shirin points out that in previous seasons whatever the price was for one, everyone got to purchase for that same price.  Carolyn asks the advantage 2 if they would also go for it and then have $480 for the advantage bid.  They agree but Mike welches at the last minute.  Dan is actually crying for his letter because his wife "is the love of his life and the what you read about".  LOL, she is probably also a goat.  Carolyn et al are pissed and she gives her letter back.  Finally Mike grows a pair and spends the $20.  

The advantage goes for $480 and is a 3 way tie. They draw straws and Dan gets it.  Auction is over.  Dans says that Mike broke his heart with his betrayal.  

Will walks back to camp and finds a clue for a burried box.  And, the box is actually marked so he can't miss it.  It's a box with snacks and something called electrolyte powder for his use until the end of the game.  AND THAT'S ALL.  Will decides to share the bounty because he is not a shrewd asshole.  Unfortunately he is on an island with a bunch of shrewd assholes.  

Everyone returns to camp and Will excitedly shows his stuff.  Mike talks to Shirin and tells her he was a dick because he knows Rodney has flipped and he needed the advantage.  He tells her "I'm blowing this up". 

At camp, everyone is loving their letters and Mike goes postal, says he knows the plan is for the 4 to take him out, yells how flippers never win... Shirin says this is clearly exhaustion and paranoia.  Mike ultimately apologizes for ruining the feel good time.  

Dan tells Rodney' "Mike is over the deep end.  He dogged you, man"

Dan opens his advantage and learns that he gets an extra vote at a tribal of his choosing.  He calls it his Willie Wonka Golden Ticket moment.

Mike stirs up shit by wondering if Will shared all that was in his box.  He wonders where the rest of the box is.  Will loses it and gets the box, calls Shirin Miss Greedy Ass and then proceeds to berate her about no one loving her at home.  Ok, it's probably true  but it was over the top.  Mike pulls her out of there as Will keeps up and Shirin gets to 'share' her domestic abuse family situation story.  Will tells her to leave and that Mike is her bitch.  OK, probably not wise but WHAT A FUCKING AWESOME RANT.  

Immunity Challenge

Will tells Jeff, who has already been  informed I'm sure by the camera people that he isn't doing well.  It hurt to leave the auction without the chance to get a letter from home.  He asks if he can opt out of the challenge in exchange for his letters?  Jeff puts it to the group and Shirin says NOPE.  

The challenge is a teeter totter thingy they have to walk through carrying a ping pong ball with a pair of tongs, and then place the ball on a stand.  Spoiler alert, Mike kicks ass and wins immunity.  Will says "bring the popcorn, it's gonna be the best tribal ever".  

Lots of shit at camp.  Carolyn keeps saying they are 6 strong.  Mike wants to break the 6 up by breaking the 4 up.  Asks Shirin about Tyler or Carolyn?  He's not even sure about Sierra or Dan.

Jenn is trying to work Dan but admits "my entire game is in a dumbasses hands.  

Mike talks to Dan who tells him they are a 6 person alliance not a 4.  Carolyn thinks Dan would be stupid to flip.  Mike is working him all day.  Everyone is working Dan who is like DO NOT PISS ME OFF AND DO NOT GIVE ME ANY MORE ADVICE, IT'S MY CHOICE.  MIIIIIIIINE.  

TC

Will brings up the Shirin fight, says he shared it all-all food and there was no letter.  Shirin didn't believe him so he exploded.

Shirin begs to differ.  Says he went personal bringing up that she had no family, no soul and was a loser (did he??) She explains that she is a victim of domestic abuse from her dad which is why she doesn't have family.  I think there is a lot more of this on the cutting room floor, personally. 

Sierra says that they are "worlds apart" Jeff (and gets an M&M as a treat for using the theme name).  They are just 9 starving individuals.  

Dan admits there are breaks in the blue collar alliance.  'You can't just park your emotions"

Mike points out that there is a 4some who has decided he is a threat, but he points out that Sierra and Dan are next.  

Rodney tells Jeff that they are mad that Mike almost screwed up people getting letters from love ones.  

Jeff pretends to be surprised at and tribal discontent but his botox gets in the way.

Shirin points out that is's not 6 vs 3 anymore but 4 vs 2 vs 1. 

Carolyn goes back to the we're 6 strong picking off the others meme

Dan says, it's all about how and who you get to the end vote with.

Vote

No idol played.....and Jenn is the next one out. She tells them to play nice on the way out!  

Survivor: The massive, missing updates.

So, seriously, no one called or emailed to see if I was still alive??  WTF??  LOL.  Well I am and I just did a 6 episode binge watch in order to get us all caught up.  

OK. so last time we spoke there were still 3 tribes and Nina had just gotten voted off No Collars because she used to have a collar and they could still see the marks.  

So, blah blah blah reward challenge:  It's the blindfolded people having to follow a caller to pick up shit, lift it up to a platform and probably there was a flag involved. Yes, there were flags.  Wanna know?  First place gets chickens and a rooster.  Second gets 10 eggs.  And about 5 minutes into it THERE IS BLOOD!!!  STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING THERE IS OMG BLOOOOOOOOD AND WE NEED MEDICAL But don't take your blindfolds off because it sounds more ominous like a severed limb when you are still blind.  The aussie (but this time a man) medic comes in and says, "meh, just a flesh wound".  And they go about the challenge with all kinds of blood born diseases flowing around.  No collar comes in first, and white collar second.  It's Will's birthday so they decide to eat a chicken for his birthday.  Aaaaand there is always one in the crowd that thinks meat is some magic element that grows on Styrofoam in the supermarket.  Jenn is upset about them eating her friend and she goes off.  And finds an idol.  

Blue tribe is always fighting about something. It's some man vs woman thing today.  On the white tribe Shirin is saying she learned how to kill and skin animals on youtube, and in fact practiced on a rabbit before the show.  Nothing says SOCIOPATH quite like killing animals. There is a lot of general discussion of who is crazier, Max or Shirin.

Immunity Challenge:  It's a rope obstacle to get balls, and then one of those games we had as a kid where you have to get 3 balls into a clowns orifices.  LOL.  What, only I had one of those?  Anyway, blue collars lose and go to tribal.

Dan is a ladies man. He just knows how to smile and nod and not pay any attention the broads because they don't know anything.  Mike and Kelly are the true alliance of this tribe.  They don't trust Rodney or Lindsey.  

At tribal Rodney says something about chicken paaaaahm and tuna fish.  Sierra says Rodney is a pig basically.  Rodney thinks women should hold themselves to a higher level.  

The vote is a 3 way tie between Lindsey, Rodney and Sierra.  Sierra is all WTF???  Revote and Lindsey is gone.  Back at camp Sierra is pissed off and Mike tells her "you're not one of us", while Dan piles on the charm about why she's lazy and bad at challenges and on the outs.  

Reward Challenge:  But first it's a switch up to 2 tribes.  Basically the blue tribe stays the same with the exception of Kelly who gets stuck with most of the No Collars, and Shirin, Max and Carolyn who basically wants to drown herself.  The reward is for kitchen supplies, plus whatever the white collars had won in the past.  Blue wins.

Max and Shirin are totally annoying everyone with their Survivor trivia.  Seriously they are like 2 idiots at a Survivor Fan Conference that don't realize the rest of us are laughing at what complete losers they are.  Kelly goes to talk to them to feel them out in true undercover style.  Shirin, who totally thinks she is in charge "solidified things with Kelly".  

On Blue Mike realized he, Dan and Rodney lighting into Sierra the way they did might not have been a smart move.  She cannot wait for them to take a walk so she can dump on them to her new male tribemates.  "I hate them".  Mike is nervous seeing her talk to Joe, Joaquin and Tyler.

Jenn can't stand Shirin, who announces she is going to try to poop.  "You won't poop if you don't try" which is a complete inaccuracy.  Max gets bitten by 2 stingrays on both of his feet.  Jenn tells him to put his feet in the water pot to soak.  About an hour later he lifts his foot out and he has a BIG OLD NASTY PLANTERS WART.  I seriously want Hali saying "It's discuuuusting" on repeat to use as my new ringtone.  LOL.  He is so awful and clueless that he is awful.  

Will speaks finally and says that Max is on his nerves.  Carolyn, who has been waiting for an opportunity says "welcome to my world".  

Mike tries to get Dan to apologize to Sierra, and he tries to tell him what to say and what to not say.  But Dan has talked to binders full of women in his life and he goes right ahead and pissed her off even more with a crappy "I apologize but you did the same thing to me first".  

Immunity:  Move 2 big post by pushing/pulling a sled through an obstacle course and mud, set them on little stands and then use a wrecking ball to smash 'em.  Ok, basically the red tribe suffers a humiliating defeat as the men on blue are way stronger.  

Max says he had to contain his smile because he's so happy to go to tribal and "change the dynamic of the game".  Seriously, the producers couldn't have created a bigger douchebag if they had made a douchebag robot.  Max goes on this thing about which horoscope sign wins more often and Jenn is like, WHO THE FUCK KNOWS THIS STUFF??"  

Shirin and Max, the power couple, tell Kelly that it's Will.  And they tell Carolyn as well.  Carolyn meanwhile goes to Jenn and tells her she isn't AT ALL part of those 2 nutjobs and she would love to get rid of them.   Max is SO EXCITED to be finally playing Survivor!  Anyone else think he sometimes goes 39 days without showering or changing his clothes to recreate a little Survivor in his life?  

WHO IS MOST ANNOYING???

Tribal

Shirin tells Jeff that they all jelled right from the start, and then she's all OMG JEFF WHY DID YOU MAKE A FACE AT ME???  It was painfully embarrassing.  

Kelly says it was in fact uncomfortable when they got together

Max is all "your hinting at something here Jeff that on paper we're a horrible tribe blah blah blah"

Jenn laughs about his "knowledge" of Survivor.  

Shirin tells her "Survivor has always been my dream".  

Max knows it's not healthy and admits he has to take mandatory vacations.  

Will says those 2 are always constantly talking. 

Hali says that there are loyalty votes.... and there are quality of life votes.....  I'm hoping for a more pleasant tribe.

Vote.  Any idols?  Max pretends to have one.."hey, Jeff, hold up BRO".....just because he has always wanted to say that he does.  

Will gets 2 and Max, your tribe has spoken..... LOL. Shirin is blindsided!!

Next, Shirin is all "no one wants to play with me".  Hali tells her Max was annoying, and so are you. Shirin does the whole Sandy in Grease thing about being different growing up with beautiful and rich classmates and now it's time for her solo:

Shirin, you must start anew
Don't you know, what you must do
Hold your head high, take a deep breath and sigh
Goodbye to Shirin Oskooi.

Rodney is tired of playing with the same people telling the same stories.  He's looking for a new bromance.  Rodney and Jaoq get to bonding.  We're not like Mike who goes to church and is celibate.  We're MENS.  Work haaaaaard and Paaaaaaarty haaaaaaard.  Rodney's got him some plans.  

Reward Challenge:  the required obstacle course, followed by climbing up a giant platform and launching sandbags at targets which, I swear" have people who raise flags if the target is hit.  Wanna know??  An evening trip to a sanctuary with migrating turtles laying eggs.  Oh and beef stew with mac and cheese. 

So, yea same old shit.  But strangely the last part of the course you have to climb up on barrels to shoot the sandbags, but then you can take the steps back down,  because there are steps right there.  Why not let them just go up the friggin steps???

It comes down to Tyler missing and Jenn hitting for the win.  Shirin is excited for her change to bond as the new leather wearing, teased hair Shirin.  

Joaq talks to Sierra about getting her old tribe mates out.  And then it's an easy layup.  Joac has Sierra, Tyler and he thinks Rodney as his 4 some.  Sierra hates Rodney so Joac approaches him about the plan.  He needs Rodney to suck up to Sierra.  Rodney is planning on going with these 4 and then flipping and being control of the game.  Rodney cooks up a scheme to throw the next challenge and get rid of Joe before the merge.  He gets Mike on board.  Mike 'splains that losing on purpose never really works but THIS TIME it's now no fail.  

Immunity Challenge"  Memorize a bunch of objects and their order and then recreate it.  Rodney is up against Carolyn, and Carolyn wins.  Sierra loses to Hali, Joe beats Will and Dan beats Shirin to bring it to a 2-2 tie with Mike up against Kelly.  Mike starts off trying to fake that he can't do it, and Kelly gets it wrong.  They reset and he basically tells her "I'm giving it to you", and he tells her the order they are in.  She gets it wrong again.  Again.  He finally tells her, "Just look at mine and switch the bottles in the middle".  She does and finally gets it right.  Jesus.  

Back at camp, Mike is starting to not trust Rodney because of the bromance.  Mike tells Rodney it's Joe.  Mike and Dan talk to Joe who tells them "I think Rodney and Joaq are reeling Sierra in".  Sierra is still mad at Dan.  Mike and Dan talk to Sierra about Rodney and Jaoq.  

Tribal

Joe says yes the blue tribe is one big happy family with cracks

Dan says they are dysfunctional

Sierra says, yep, I was crapped on.  Mike was marginally better to me... I feel better with these new guys might be a good opportunity for me.

Joac says lots of people come up to you...

Joe says it could all be bullshit. I have no one...

Sierra is still on the 'I was personally attacked" thing.

Mike is hopefully pushing the early trust thing.  

Time to vote.

Joe gets 3 votes but Joaq gets the majority and is off the island.  Rodney is very confused.

Next week, Rodney is PISSED OFF by the blindside.   Mike talks to him about everyone being worried he was too close to Joac.  Rodney tells Mike it was a "bergasie fake alliance" , which means nothing to me. He says he was only doing it to pull information from them before the alliance.  He wasn't falling into a bromance trap but was acting, bro.  I was putting my De Niro on.  And now he's all "disrespected".  I'm now Mike's bitch until the merge.  

Tree mail...is it a merge?  Kelly tries to sell it that she doesn't like any of her old teammates but Carolyn isn't buying it.  

They get to the beach and there's no Jeff because even his isn't digging anyone on this season.  There's a note and a box of food.  Merged.  While they are eating they discuss what everyone thought was gonna happen with the split and it's universally excepted that everyone was waiting for a Rodney.Joaquin bromance.  Carolyn and Tyler manage to whisper to each other that you can't show that you are close to anyone.  They get back and the former camp is all gone.  It's day one and time to start over.  Mike and Kelly are back together.  The Blues are 5 strong but they need 2 more for the numbers.  Jenn knows they've lost Kelly.  Hali admits they're gonna have to suck it up and put up with Shirin.  

Rodney is actually working another angle to get rid of Mike, Dan and Sierra who got rid of him date.  He's thinking  of working with the no collars with Kelly and Carolyn and chopping off the heads of the blues.  Tyler and Carolyn realize they are the swing votes.  

Dan gets a jellyfish sting.  He runs into Jenn and tells her he's already peed on it.  She tells him he needs to put it in hot water.  He walks into camp and demands hot water.

Mike decides to name the tribe MERICA, which is so redneck it made me laugh out loud. Shirin thinks it's ridiculous and that he's a red neck idiot that doesn't know his own country's name.  Even Sarah Palin knows there is an A in America.  

Mike tells Rodney they are going to get Joe out of there.  Says he has to do "Rodney Maintenance".  

Individual Immunity.  It's the tried and true pole hugging challenge.  It's pretty eventful. even with Jenn getting stung in the hoo haa.  It starts to rain even.  Finally, Carolyn falls off and Joe wins immunity.  Which leaves everyone scrambling for a new plan.  Mike is wondering, Jenn or Hali?  He needs Rodney to think he's in control.  He also wants to feel Will out so he tells him Hali.  Kelly tells Carolyn they need to split up Jenn and Hali.  

Jenn's idea is to get rid of Kelly to cripple the blue tribe.  Mike and Tyler talk.  Tyler doesn't trust him, says he has to loop him in.  Tyler has options.  

Jenn tells Hali she has an idol so they need to figure out which of them is going to get the votes.  

Tribal

Will says, yes Jeff you can feel the electricity.  Nobody is safe.  Hell, it might be you Jeff tonight!  

Joe says there are 12 strategies and everyone is holding a knife.  

Will says "this is how I have to go to show loyalty:

Mike says basically the white collars are in charge.  

Tyler says this vote will divide the tribe tonight.

Carolyn agrees that lines will be drawn.

Jenn says there has been chaos all day but there is always a bottom level rumor that never goes away.

Jeff asks about any idol play, which I think hasn't occurred to anyone.  

Dan says pleading your case won't help tonight because the tribe is going to be divided by a chainsaw.

Vote.  Any idols?  BOOM, Jenn plays hers.  No votes for Jenn count and Kelly is voted off.  

Shit just got real!  

Next week, Rodney is angry.  LOL.  He is always angry.  He's a little hustler who changes directions constantly and lies to get away with it.  He's blaming Mike-"Idiot redneck".  Rodney tells Will this is interesting stuff, and they should sit back and let Mike get rid of people and then they'll run the ship.  

Mike tells Jenn that he "respected" that play.  Jenn says No Collars are back in town and there are more games to be played.  

Rodney is being an ultimate douche.  He tells Shirin to add more rice BECAUSE I SAID SO.  And then a salami fight breaks out because he is removing the casing and Shirin doesn't want him to. He tells her that it's pointless for her because they have 7, and the game is over for them.  "We just have to weed out the garbage".  

Reward Challenge:  It's balance beams, puzzle pieces and then the top 3 do the puzzle.  Reward is a zipline trip with a pizza picnic.  

It comes down to Joe, Mike  and Hali doing the puzzle.  Joe wins reward.  He gets to pick  to join him and chooses. Tyler, Will and Carolyn.  One more.....he picks "superfan" Shirin.  Rodney is all "we're 7 strong we don't need a picnic".  Mike is concerned because he knows there will probably be a clue to an idol.  And in fact Joe sees Carolyn's bottle of soda has a clue in it and asks if there is anything left to drink.  She offers him her soda and he tries to slip the clue into his mouth.  Tyler sees it.  Tyler doesn't say anything.  

At camp, Joe knows he's busted so they take a walk, which makes Mike suspicious.  Mike follows them.  He wonders why Joe would be sharing.  He joins them and then Tyler reveals that Joe got a clue and he tells them what the clue said.  Mike runs into camp basically yelling FIND JOE!!  After a mad scramble Mike tells everyone he saw Joe find the idol.  He does a big drama about "HEY GOOD LUCK BUDDY, GLAD YOU FOUND IT",  to put a target on Joe's back.  

Dan is in the water pooping with Shirin and he's like "why can't you people do basic math?  You're one of Joe's minions.  Your game is over.  Dan want to slap her.  "There are 2 people in Survivor- those that don't do anything and those that annoy everyone.  You're annoying.  

Mike is looking for the idol, and eating termites.  He finally finds it to the hashtag #happydance.  

Immunity Challenge.  It's a set of 3 of those puzzles we used to be given for long car trips where you have to slide little tiles around to spell shit.  I hated those.  Shirin is excited because she is all into puzzles.  

Joe of course is first to the final puzzle.  Dan keeps saying he has it but he doesn't.  Finally....wait for it....Joe wins immunity!  

Rodney is mad....at Mike again.  LOL.  Shirin says everyone thinks she's weak and not a threat. Mike, Carolyn, Dan, Tyler and Sierra get together to discuss the vote. Carolyn suggests that they vote out Shirin.  Mike is afraid she might have the idol so he suggests Hali, because she is Joe's ally.  Tyler tells them that he doesn't think Shirin has the white collar idol.  Hmmmmm, how come he's so sure of that??  

Shirin tells the girls what Dan said to her.  They girls all pretend they're all girl power gonna stick together.  They decide on Dan.  Shirin tells Tyler their plan.  THEN WHAT??  Well, a blue kingpin is gone...

Tribal

Tyler admits Jenn using her idol bummed a lot of people out.  He says lines were already starting to blur.

Sierra says she can go either way.

Dan says something about flippers never win.

Shirin disagrees and points out that Tony was a flipper who won.  

Hali goes on some drug induced thing about MERICA and what would have happened if the colonists would have never flipped on the British....

Um, yea, it's time to vote.

Any idols?  No?  

Dan gets 4 votes.....But Hali is the first member of the jury.....  Joe whispers "I'm sorry".  

WHEW.  I WILL NEVER WAIT UNTIL THE END OF THE SEMESTER TO DO ALL OF MY HOMEWORK AGAIN, I PROMISE.  

  

Quick Survivor Update: Week 3

This  is gonna be a quick one, and not because of too much St Pats celebrating.  

Apparently last week's theme was "who is the biggest pain in the ass on your tribe?"  On the WC tribe, it's apparently Shirin,  We see her talking to a monkey and then watching monkey sex, but hey, WHO WOULDN'T WATCH THAT SHIT???  Her mistake apparently was running back to the cool kids and saying OMG I JUST WATCHED 2 MONKEYS HAVE SEX!!!!!  And the cool rich kids are all, "meh, I was once on a safari and watched lots of animals have sex".  Plus, being in corporate America they watch people getting screwed every damn day.  Carolyn has her cameo asking how Shirin works in Corporate America (like it's a fucking kingdom all its own) and be crazy?  Well, since Shirin actually works at Yahoo, it's probably a necessary quality.  Shirin apparently has the black X of doom on her back.

On the BC tribe there is actually a contest for asshole of the week.  First we get fat and old Dan Wanna know how old Dan is?  HE'S FRIGGIN 47 YEARS OLD.  Are you kidding me???  Blue collar work is apparently a killer.  He admits he has a big mouth.  Which he used to his disadvantage in a little bantering with Rodney, telling him "your mother's a %^%^$".  Rodney is a hot head himself and he gets his Boston all up.  "You're lucky you're on Survivor".  Kelly, who is a cop is all "these people are too serious".  She deals with drunks having fights all the time and knows to slow walk to the situation and give the drunks a change to kiss and make up.  Also vying and possibly winning the asshole title is Texas Mike.  Even his bathing suit is the Texas flag.  He's a type A asshole who can't stop working, because  his father-figure preacher told him to work hard.  Jeezuz, do we always have to have a crazy Christian on this show?  For the first 3 weeks I thought he had a tattoo on his back like a sports jersey but apparently it's a bible verse.  

Mike and Rodney get into it because Mike wants Rodney to get firewood RIGHT FUCKING NOW.  Rodney wants to eat his rice and then get firewood a little later.  Rodney loses it and rants to his now buddy again Dan "I don't work for nobody".  He does a pretty awesome rant on Texas and working on an ooil rig.  

And just to keep the contest on a equal opportunity basis, Mike gets into it with the girls who are also tired of him being a dick and never saying thanks or recognizing all they do.  I have a theory that the white collars get their rewards in money but the blue collars need to be recognized for their work in order to feel good.  It's very important apparently.  Lindsay loses it and says DID YOUR GOD MAKE THIS FIRE??? Yea that might have been a bit too far but Mike keeps saying over and over "then send me home".  Might get your wish dude.  

And the no collars, well they get off on doing whatever the hell they feel like.  For Hali and Jenn it was surfing this week.  Because NCs are ALL ABOUT FUN.  Nina clearly is too intense for this tribe.  She knows she is probably next going home and asks if they can just not make her feel like an outsider until then.  Joe (aka Orlando Bloom from Pirates of the Caribbean) tries to be nice to her and sweet talk her.  He's like, "you don't know you're next".  Nina says she used to be WC, in sales and management but since she lost her hearing 7 years ago she thought she was a no collar.  BUT THESE KIDS ARE JUST A BUNCH OF NUTJOBS.  I'm betting half of these kids are on their parent's healhcare plan and living in their basements.  Nina correctly understands there is such a thing as needing to EAT, needing medical care and NEEDING TO HAVE MONEY TO RETIRE ON SOMEDAY.  Part of me thinks these Peter Pan "I never want to grow up" kids resent her and see her as a mom figure.  Plus, that whole deaf thing is a total downer, man.  Will?  I can't figure him out.  His claim to fame is a youtube video of he and his wife singing and dancing at a gas station pump.  And yes, you've probably seen it.  Does he have a job?  No one seems to know.  I don't really see him as no collar either.  But he's black so I guess he wouldn't fit the white or blue collar expected narrative.  Oh, was that bad to say out loud?  

WCs spent a bit of time looking for the idol, which Carolyn has.  Carolyn sits on her ass "tending the fire".  Why not just put a giant sign on your back that says I ALREADY FOUND THE IDOL.  Shirin gets tired of looking and wants to declare a truce until the next clue.  Joaquin loses it on her telling her she's a paranoid. panicky woman.  He calls her a blood sucking leech.  Tyler knows Carolyn has the idol but when Joaquin shares the clue he doesn't say anything.  Tyler also thinks Shirin is crazy mainly due to the no pants thing, but he also thinks Joaquin is on the outs.  

Whew. Finally the Immunity Challenge.  Wanna know?  Comfort.  Ist prize is the Pier One imports Survivor collection.  Second is a tarp.  Third is a date with Jeff.  

It's carry the barrel time!  Only the barrel has holes in it that the tribe has to use their hands to plug up while they  walk through a grid thing and then dump the water into another bucket, raise the flag.  

Bottom line, Orlando Bloom makes the stupid decision of not having Nina help with the holes.  DUDE, SHE'S DEAF NOT BLIND.  Consequently they get their asses kicked.  Blue collar wins the goods, white gets the tarp and no collar gets a trip to tribal.

It's kind of a given what's gonna happen but they spend a quick couple of minutes trying to convince us that Will might also be in jeopardy because he's out of shape and screws up challenges.  Orlando takes full blame for the hole decision, an apologizes to Nina for not trusting her.  The 3 cool kids are kind of like, yea either the black guy or the deaf chick.  Whatevs.  

Tribal.

Jeff:  last time you were all about trust and then Will voted differently.  Was that a surprise?

Will: I had to explain my vote after tribal.

Orlando:  In this game you only get a few changes to screw up and to lose everyone's trust.  TRUST IS HUGE

Jeff:  Why pull Nina??

Orlando: Yea, that was my fault.  I was afraid she would fall and take the bucket down with her.  BECAUSE SHE IS DEAF

Nina:  Because of my disability they look at me as fully disabled not just unable to hear.

Jenn rolls her eyes and basically is SOOO TIRED OF THIS CAN'T HEAR SHIT.  

Will thinks it's bullshit. He says she keeps making it about her deafness, they don't

Jeff asks some philosophical bullshit about "perception becoming reality" and Orlando jumps in and says he doesn't judge.

Will is forced to admit he got winded in the challenge but he says the problem is they didn't work together.  

Nina says they's be crazy to keep Will.

Jenn tells her basically, SHUT BITCH YOU ARE EMOTIONALLY WEAK.

Hali correctly states that she thinks Nina is on the wrong tribe.  She doesn't go with the flow and probably never even surfs!  

Nina admits she used to be corporate but she does feel like she is no collar.

Hali tells her, "well if you want to be a no collar you gotta start acting like a no collar".  

Then they vote and Nina is sent home.  Probably best for all involved.  

Survivor: GONE TOO SOON

Sigh, I hate when the one most crazy person gets voted off way too soon.  I had so much more to say, so many more snarky descriptions, it's just, SAD.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.  Week 2!  Is that possible?  I love these smaller teams because I can figure out who everyone is before they merge. No hiding on a small tribe!  

Blue Collar:  And now we know.  After 30 seasons and 15 years the epic social experiment known as Survivor has answered one of life's biggest questions.  Namely, DO SURVIVORS SHIT IN THE WATER?  The answer boys and girls is a resounding yes.  Dan was out "doing his business"  with his underwear on just one ankle when the underwear undertow came and snatched it away.  He is now sans trous and is wearing a shirt diaper.  "I can't raw dog in jeans".  OR DID HE FAKE THE INCIDENT??  Lindsay thinks he might have to prove he's a funny amusing guy instead of the absolute dicknozzle he has been of late.  

White Collar are still working on fire.  Seriously, do these people outsource sex?  They finally got it on day 4 and are assuming those rough and ready blue collars have had it for days.  Max loves his some beach.  He especially loves it naked.  "Richard Hatch 2.0".  Max is a professor of Survivor (and moms and dads, doesn't that make the tuition go down that much easier??)  so the question is one of is this deliberate or is he just a kook?  From the start I didn't understand how he qualified for white collar instead of something else.  Shirin gets in on the pantless thing too.  It's nice to air out the privates as we like to say in Spring City.  She's cleaning pots on sharp rocks without the bottom half of her attire.  Poor married Tyler and Joaquin apparently can't stand it.  In fact, it makes them so uncomfortable that they stand and watch for a while.....

No collar:  Hali thinks working a tiny bit harder for a deaf tribemate to hear  you is a pain in the ass.  Girl, you are gonna love when your parents get older!  "Mom, have you seen my sweater?"  "4:30 dear".  In fact both Jenn and Hali think it's annoying.  They run off to skinny dip without asking Nina to come.  She has a meltdown over it.  Thinks they should have included her.  Jenn thinks she should just GET IT TOGETHER because there is NO CODDLING.  Ain't no Americans with Disabilities Act on Survivor!

BC is playing basketball.  Well everyone but Mike who has a giant piece of firewood up his ass.  C'mon we all know this jackwad.  Hell, some of you might be anal always cleaning up jackwads.  Sit down!  Relaaaaaax.  Nobody needs to be all work and no play!  

NC: Vince-whose-eyes-are-too-close-together is also annoyed.  He's 33 and jealous of Joe.  (Oh, before I forget THIS WEEK'S TALKING POINT HAS TO BE WHO DOES JOE LOOK LIKE?? No, it's not you John Sellman but he is some actor's Doppelganger and I can't figure it out).  He needs acknowledgement and affirmation so he confronts Joe in a just such a typical animal posturing scene.  He's hanging on the shelter, arms up, chest thrown out telling Joe he's full of ego and forcing Joe to AFFIRM and ACKNOWLEDGE all of his young testosterone ills.  God, if there was ever a time for those "low T" adds!  Will's like "it's finally the alpha dog fight".  Joe thinks Vince has issues and is a loose cannon.  Hmmm, what was the first clue?  

Will, Nina and Vince are in a kind of alliance against the youngsters, Jenn, Joe and Hali.  

Challenge.  It's another water thing.  Start on a platform, dive in, swim to another platform and uncoil a vertical thingy with 5 buoys (aka balls), jump off, swim to a horizontal thingy and unwrap the ball from there and swim to the final platform.  When you get all 5 balls, you get to play basketball.  SEE MIKE, IT WAS TRAINING!

Wanna know?  FISHING EQUIPMENT!  Mmmmmm and a snorkel mask so you can swim clear of the poop.  Second winners get a spear, a line and lures.  Who's sitting out?  Dan wants to do the challenge.  Jeff is like WHAAAA?  He says "I'm gonna surprise you for a fat guy".  

Dan goes first against...I don't remember.  He actually gets through and to the platform first.  He then promptly falls to his knees clutching his heart and suffers a massive heart attack.  Ok, THAT didn't happen.  Blah blah, challenge goes on.  Will gets totally stuck in the horizontal part and loses a shit load of time.  

The white collar guys get to the basketball court first and all those long boozy nights on the corporate BBall team bonding with the other corporate sharks comes in handy.  The blue team is right there with them with Sarah I think sinking a few balls.  The NC?  Nada.  Just an epic loss.  Joaquin kills it for the white collar win, and let's see what they do with all that fishing stuff!  Second goes to the blue collars and the misfits have to go to tribal.

Vince:  Joe and I are now in a cold war with missiles pointed at each other.  They all admit they are not good with making decisions.  Some people think Will is deteriorating due to the physical limitations.  Vince tells Will that he is totally down with blindsiding Joe.  She and Vince are nervous about Will so she goes to talk to him.  

Joe is talking strategy with Jenn and Will.  Interesting.  Jenn wants her creepy ex lover gone.  Joe wants Nina because of the weakness.  They decide to split the vote 2 Vince, 2 Nina and then force a re vote.  

 Will tells Vince their plan and they decide to all stick together and take out one of the others.  Joe?  Vince is a pussy and is afraid the tribe won't be as strong.  He wants Jenn.  

Nina talks to Will, asks how he is physically.  He's surprised and says he's fine.  She tells him Vince is concerned about his health and his performance in the last challenge.  BULLSHIT!  Will is pissed because it was only one challenge....

Tribal council.  Blah blah fire is your life.....

Jeff asks about the group dynamics.  Nina says it's the young vs the old.  Hali, Jenn and Joe vs she, Vince and Will.  She expresses her frustration about not being able to hear all of the time but not wanted to be the old person who keeps asking "what??" .

Jenn says she's never been around anyone who wasn't perfect.  "I have compassion but....."  

Vince states that he's in the middle and is trying to be the glue.  

Joe says they are all feeling each other out and the person that is supposed to go home tonight will.  

Jenn points out it's a numbers game and they need their stronger players.

Will explains his performance.  "Everyone knows water is the black man's kryptonite.  We've talked 3-3 but is the trust really there?  (Shouldn't Joe be thinking his plan ain't gonna work right about now?)

Vince agrees it could be him but he's playing with his gut and not his head.

Jenn states that the original plan should go forward.  I think she's figuring out Will might not be on board. BUT OMG IT'S ALSO SURVIVOR TRIBAL COUNCIL AND IT'S JEFF PROBST!!!

Will says his plan is to go back to camp, drink some warm water, let the bugs feast on some more chocolate and see as little of Jeff as possible until the end.

Time to vote!

Nina gets one vote.....Jenn gets 2 and VINCELOT gets 3 and is leaving us.  NOOOOOOOOO!!!!  Too soon, too soon.  

Survivor Episode 1

Welcome to Survivor: why the world hates the 1%.  Season 30, 15 years OF THE GREATEST SOCIAL EXPERIMENT ON TV.  Hmmmm, here I was gonna go with the Price is Right for the win.  Tribes are composed of people with common occupations or approaches to life.

First up, in yellow with a name that sounded like Messiah but couldn't possibly be, are the smug white collar workers.  These are people who Jeff tells us like to make the rules and be "in charge".  LOL, what could be worse than an entire tribe of type A's?  

So is a very pretty Asian woman who "has made everyone who has ever worked for her cry"

Max is a former college professor who has taught a class on Survivor and now is some kind of "consultant".  AKA out of work.

Carolyn is the old 52 year old "corporate exec" who I believe.  Seriously, making it to 52 in corporate america I gotta take my hat off to her.  She must drink like a fucking fish.  She says something about WC (white collar's) being goal oriented but the problem is everyone wants the same goal.  

Joaquim, whose name I will misspell every week and I don't give a flying crap.  He's SLIMY, slick and wearing a freaking suit and tie.  

Shirin is a Yahoo executive who has applied to Survivor for 10 years.  She says nothing memorable.

Tyler is an ex-talent executive.  AKA, he's also unemployed.  He's kinda geeky and I can't read him.  

Blue collar (BC) are a rambunctious bunch who are pretty funny.  They believe they single handedly built America (did anyone tell the 1%ers??).

Lindsey is a hairdresser, single mom and a crop top girl.  She feels like she is the strongest mentally.

Mike is something with "Ooool"  which I think is Texan for oil.  He likes his hands dirrrrrty.  

Dan is the older postal employee who should be watched closely for insanity.  He wants to be remembered for....anything.

Rodney thinks people will think he's a meat head but "I'm filet mignon while these people are steakers".  

Rounding out that tribe is state trooper Kelly and Sierra who's a "barrel racer" and who totally fell off my radar screen.

Finally, the free spirited no collars.  These are kinda what you would expect.  

Jenn is a sailing  instructor and likes to work sometimes.  She believes money makes life easier

Hali is in law school because she wants to save the world and live off nothing with huge ass law school bills

Vince, featherman, is like Coach's brother, who got kicked in the head by a mule in childhood.  No idea how he's gonna survive without pot for the 39 days.  

Joe is a jewelry designer.  He's this season's eye candy.

Nina is 51, deaf with cochlear implants.  Does that mean she can hear now?  

Will, who is a "youtube" sensation.  LOL, he's the guy dancing with his wife in the gas station video.  

So those are our peeps.  Jeff is really beating the crap out of the distinctions between tribes.  Jeff,  honey, it's a freaking reality show not a graduate sociology class!  We're all hear for the drama, fighting, starvation and relief from the freaks at our own jobs.  Everyone is gunning for the WCs, and they're pretty smug about it.  

Finally, Jeff has each tribe pick someone to represent them.  Jacquin and Dan volunteer.  The beatnicks have a little fun, Will promises everyone sandwiches and he gets picked.  Jeff is like, "where are you gonna get sandwiches"?  And the WC's are all "look, the stoners can't make a decision".  But the stoners are happy.  

Now, pick a second person.  Joaquin lets his penis make the decision and he picks So.  Dan and Mike bro hug, and Will picks Jenn because 'she has a nice smile".  Can you tell I'm already loving this season??  

At camp, the two have to walk away and make a decision.  The NC's pre decide something.  I kinda lost track here.  The choice s between honesty and deceit.  Honesty gets you a big bag of beans, deceit gets you a little bag and a clue to the immunity idol.  NC goes for the honesty of course.  Dan and Mike debate for a few minutes, thinking villains usually win but ultimately go with honesty because it's too early to be a villain.  They return to camp and tell them what they did.  Sierra doesn't believe them for a minute.  

And of course,  WC picks deceit and spends their time coming up with a lie, just like most management meetings I've been in.  The tell this lame story about 3 choices,  honesty, deceit and juuuuuuust right.  So is starting to think she has made a deal with the devil.  He's totally hitting on her and he says they are now in an alliance.  He calls her honey I think?  Not enough sensitivity training??They said they took juuuuuust right because there could be consequences or something.  Seriously, they can't bluff better than this??  Carolyn isn't buying it but she says she'd have done the exact same thing.  Carolyn and Shirin bond, and bring Max into their group because they all feel like Joaguin and So are too tight.  

BC:  They find crabs to eat, make shelter and build a fire.  LIndsay and Rodney compare tats.  He tells her about the one for his sister who he found murdered.  He's working it because he wants girls  on his alliance because "they'll sit back and let me lead".  

Mike finds a scorpion (really???  Neutered to not sting I'm sure) and chops the tail off and eats it.  He's all "I'm gonna have protein in my belly", until he barfs it up and has to lie down.  Dumbass.  

NC:  OMG IT'S OUR FIRST COCONUT, LETS CELEBRATE!  If only we had some weed!  Vince, aka featherman, approaches Jenn and says they have an instant connection.  She's like ok.  He is a person who develops "instant attraction to women".  LOL!  Stalker tendencies??  Jenn immediately thinks he's a little too intense and decides to smile and nod.  LMAO-and every woman in this pool understands how this to intense thing is creepy.  Vince is off to build the shelter but Joe doesn't like his design and the two start their pissing contest.  

BC: Dan is also arguing about their structure because he is fat and it doesn't seem strong enough to him.  He has no social skills and as the oldest doesn't get the youngsters.  They are laughing and calling him "dumbledorf".  Meanwhile is on the beach in a speedo putting his pants back  on (WTF?) and his buddy Mike comes to cheer him up.  

NC:  Finally, after 29 seasons we have someone who watched a youtube video and practiced making fire!!!!!!  Joe promptly makes fire after he and Jenn do a little back and forth with her saying stuff like 'can I blow on your wood for you, sir?"  Vince is totally jealous and calls Jenn over to ask if she likes Joe better and if she wants our of their "us".  He wants to know if she is more attracted to him and if she wants Joe more than him.  It's like Animal Kingdom "the weaker male must now roll over exposing his flaccid penis acquiescing to the alpha male, thus giving up his mate".  Jenn tries to comfort him but he's still creepy.  He is also paranoid and a LONG HUGGER.  UGH.  I utterly hate that in someone.  She's like dude, we smell bad and I don't want you armpit near my body.  I can't wait until tonight when he tries to mount her.  

WC-finally!  Tyler thinks their shelter is only average, and that they should have upgraded to the Travertine tile.  They also are surprised at how hard it is to make fire.  They joke about hiring some blue collar person to make fire.  

Carolyn is convinced So and Jacquin found an idol clue so she stalks So all afternoon.  So leads her to the spot by the well and Carolyn looks for a tree that looks like the typical IDOL HIDDEN HERE tree.  She finds it.  And, that my children, is what 52 years of experience gets ya.

Immunity Challenge!

Race down a ramp, go through an obstacle course, use knots or keys and locks to unlock a ladder, use it to up, over and down, chose a bag of puzzles, do something else with the ladder and then complete a puzzle.  Jeez, Jeff, don't shoot your challenge wad on the first night!  There are 3 bags of puzzles.  One with 5 pieces that's a tangram anagram puzzle (yes, I know that and i know that you are impressed).  The second one has 10 pieces and is that 3D tree from a couple of seasons ago.  Finally, a 50 piece basic squares with a picture puzzle.  

Wanna know?  2 teams get immunity, first place gets a firemaking kit, second gets fling and 3rd gets to have the first loser on it.  

So, out of the gate pretty even.  They get to the locks, and everyone tries the locks-it's like 20 keys 3 locks.  One by one they switch off and do the knots.  So with her origami genetically superior fingers gets the ladder opened first.  NC gets theirs second the the BCs are struggling.  NC is first up to the puzzle and choses the 10 piece one. which is spatial.  WC picks the easy 50 piece one, surprisingly and Shirin starts work on it.  Apparently you can switch out people.  BC finally gets the knots untied, gets the ladder but can't figure out how to use the ladder to get the puzzle!  Finally they do and they also pick the 10 piece tree.  

Joe steps in and finishes the puzzle and NC wins immunity!  Vince's masculinity takes another hit.  Shirin can't get anywhere with the puzzle and Max takes over.  The BC steps up and wins the second immunity, leaving the WCs in the dust.  And you know they hate that!

Everyone is decided that Shirin and Carolyn are the weakest and it has to be a girl going home for strength.  So surprisingly targets Carolyn instead of Shirin because at least Shirin stepped up.  She tells Jacquin and he doesn't care as long as he gets the hot girl.  Carolyn is suspicious that So is talking to everyone so she confronts her and Jacquin who are like, noooooo, it's not you, in their worst lying voices.  She talks to Tyler and tells him she knows that they don't have the idol because she does.  Max is wavering about his "alliance", because he doesn't want to be with the weak kids, he wants to be with the other power people.  Tyler states that someone is gonna be surprised tonight.

Tribal 

Blah blah fire is your life.  Get a new line Jeff.

Jacquin-we explained about the 3 boxes Jeff and why we chose juuuuust right.  

Shirin-there are some biiiiig holes in that story!

Max-I can't blame them because everyone of us ruthless bastards would have done the same thing and lied.

So says she is in an alliance with 4 people. which is a surprise to Carolyn.  So says, yes, me, Tyler, Max and Jacquin.  

Carolyn is like reeeeallllllty.  She tells them Max and Shirrin are with her.  

So tells Carolyn basically we're voting for you.  You don't do anything and you didn't step up.

Carolyn says you lied and you didn't trust me.  Plus all you did was open knots.

Consensus is that opening the knots was a big deal

Carolyn calls bullshit on So.

Tyler says that they need strength

Max-"I'm just thanking the Gods for the perfect Survivor tribal with a wicked downpour and a lot of drama.

Vote. Anyone have an idol???  Carolyn doesn't play it.

Carolyn II

So IIII and is the first out of Survivor: Worlds Apart!! I'll bet she still gets her bonus.