Survivor: All Shamar, All the Time

Yes, peeps, a day early.  Or 5 days late depending on your point of view. 

So, what are we thinking of this season?  Meh.  It's really 2 shows, the celebrities that show up at challenges and then hang in their air-conditioned trailers and the FAVS who are actually trying to play the game.

Shamar, Shamar
do dooodo dooodo do do
Shamar, Shamar...

What a lazy freaking ASS.  No way he went to Iraq twice and didn't get shot by his fellow soldiers.  Last week we thought he was going since Laura promised the handsome duo, Reynolds Wrap and Eddie she could bring 2 votes.  But alas, no.  And the other "attractive" girl was sent packing.  Eddie and Wrap are feeling duped.  Laura says "you're just mad because your plan didn't work", to which Wrap yells "IT WAS YOUR PLAN!!!". 

Over on StealthRUS, Phillip has given all his alliance names: 

Cochran= The Intelligentsia Attache
Andrea = The Eliminator
Malcolm= The Enforcer
Corrine = Dominatrix
Dawn= True Grit

He then gives Brandon a name-tells him he has know earned the honor of joining his alliance.  Brandon is now The Conqueror.  Phillip is just trying to give him a sense of belonging but Brandon doesn't even realize he's being played.  "It took me 9 days to infiltrate the alliance...Phillip doesn't even know I've been lying to him-he sucks as an agent..." 

Andrea is pissed that not alliance people are getting silly names too.  What next, Brenda? Yep, she's Serenity.  Because you know, there's nothing else to bitch about other than the names Phillip gives out on Celebrity Survivor. 

Challenge:  Reward.  2 people have to be moved from platform to platform, and then everyone has to swim to another platform and do a pile on.  Wanna know what you're playing for?  A visit from a local, mostly nekked bushman. 

FAVs win, of course.  Laura can't freaking swim.  Yet Shamar stands up and yells "THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!".  I hear he also cheered for the wrong side in Iraq.  Although in his defense it is quite hard to figure out what is the right and wrong side in Iraq... 

Tata, the little 4' tall bushman comes to the celeb camp and helps them make better rice in bamboo, helps then fluff their pillows and, per Cochran, gets a little bump and grind against the women".  So, "it was like dinner and a show". 

FANS-Shamar is laying in the shelter about 19 hours a day because he is so fat that he can't move without eating.  Seriously, how much money did we waste on gourmet food in Iraq anyway?  He never went a couple days without food like most people in that part of the world??  "hey little poor Iraq child, would you bring me your rice??"   He actually tells the tribe that he'll stay but "y'all have to bring me rice once a day".  LOL.  They're all pissed off at him. 

So apparently while he was laying in the shelter scratching his balls and his ass repeatedly, he also scratched his eye.  Which swells up over the night of rain and wandering rats.  Pssssst-why not catch and freaking eat a rat?????  So Shamar is all swollen eyed, and for some reason is holding his hand strange-perhaps it's the one he uses as toilet paper.  Anyway, Jeff arrives (apparently for the second time although they didn't show that he came before when Shamar wanted to quit).  He brings the Australian Medic Jeff cheats on his wife with and she says he has 2 scratches on his cornea.  Jeff gets all serious about it (remember when he ignored the woman who could have had appendicitis??)  Since it could effect his vision he is pulled from the game.

"Shamar, do you feel like you are letting your tribe down?"  Bwahahahahaha.  He has the tribe come say goodbye.  "um, later."  "yea, sorry Shamar". 

Immunity Challenge and Jeff is wearing the blue nipple ring shirt. NOT THAT I CARE.

One by one they swim out to a platform, jump off smashing pottery (don't get me started) and retrieving a key.  There are 5 keys that unlock 3 locks on a trunk full of balls that get thrown at a  balance bean holding wooden blocks.  SO YEA NO PUZZLE AGAIN!!!!

Sherrie messes up and the FANS fall an entire key behind, even though Eddie makes up a lot of time.  Phillip is throwing and then Wrap starts nailing the blocks.  But alas, they can't catch up and FAVS win immunity again. 

Mike and Matt talk.  Matt wants to get rid of Laura and keep Eddie and Wrap.  Mike isn't sure because, well for one he's gay and prefers to hang with women but he also trusts Laura more than Eddie and Wrap.  Matt talks to Wrap who doesn't really trust him.  Tells Wrap that he and Mike are voting for Laura.  "If you don't believe me, play your idol but I'm voting for Laura". 

The girls are thinking they need to split the vote again.  Matt tells Sherrie he is voting for Laura because they need the strong people to win.  "We're not winning anyway"...  Sherrie doesn't want the 4 men to take over.

Tribal: Also in blue

Matt:  There is less tension without Shamu.  But we lost a big strong guy.
Sherrie:  I miss Shamu as part of my alliance...
Wrap:  I don't vote with them.  They have a strong 5 person alliance but they can't win without me and Eddie.
Laura:  It's about prioritizing strength vs loyalty.  We've had 10 days to build loyalty.
Wrap:  But we're losing
Sherrie: Yep, we're losing anyway.
Eddie:  With this vote we could come together and win. Laura is the weakest.  Sherrie is also weak.
Laura:  Yes, but what if there is a merge...

hmmmmm


Vote:  Wrap plays the idol and Laura is voted off and not even given a chance to get a Probst rub against. 

FAVS

Andrea      Rachel           Jeff and Eileen

Brandon    Kelly                    Kim

Brenda      Stacey              Annemarie

Corrine       Susan                John

Dawn        Karen                  Elayne  (RANDOM)

Erik            Becky                Meagan

Cochran        Kevin/Matt        Ron

Phillip           Denise              Connie

Malcolm        Ginnie            Lesley

FANS

Sherrie            Stephanie        Lori

Matt                Nancy            Joanne

Eddie            Amy A                Gail

Julia                Amy D              Donna and John

Michael         Tess                    Cindy

Shamar            Liz                    Jill

Reynold           Betty                Carolyn

OUT

Francesca    Kelly                Ron

Allie                Betty                Nikki

Hope            Rachel                Donna and John

Laura            Donna               Nikki

Fans and Favs Week 1

Yo yo yo!  Finally this bitch gets an update out!  How ya all feeling about your Survivors? Awesome, glad everyone is happy. 

Here are a few questions to consider:
1) Why are these people favs?  Erik gave away his immunity necklace, Brandon is a jackass, Phillip is totally CRAZY,  Francesca is totally annoying
2)  Would any of these people have seen the season with Malcolm air before they started on Caramoan?

Just wondering.  Ok.  So the fans arrive on a boat but the favorites arrive in military style helicopters.  Hmmmmm.  Why do I think they had better contracts?  Teams are split favs and fans, which means that there are basically 2 different games going on.  The one the newbies are playing and the ones the "reality stars" are playing. 

Right off the bat it's a challenge, and it's one of those physical get into it with each other  challenges.  Phillip is again sporting the pink underwear.  In pairs, the have to retrieve a ring and then get back to their respective poles and be the first to touch while holding onto the ring.  It gets ugly.  And then it gets AWESOME as Malcolm loses his shorts.  DAMN YOU PIXELATOR!!  Bottom line, Favs win flint and 20 pounds of beans to be used to re-enact the famous scene from Blazing Saddles on a nightly basis. 

Now go find your beaches. 

The fans, technically called GOTA are all "OMG we need to run around doing stuff before we get thirsty".  The favs are all, "hey how are you?  How are you liking your Mercedes". 

I don't know the name of the big fan but he's a US Marine Corp dude.  Which makes me wonder what we are doing in Iraq if this guy had time to watch every season.  He's annoying.  He and Matt of the strange goatee get into it a bit because USMC, while sitting on his ass, is bugging Matt that they shouldn't be building shelter they should ALL be trying to make fire.  He continues to sit on his ass watching what everyone on the fire team is doing wrong, and then he finally gets up and shows them how to really make fire.  Without actually doing any work, mind you.  Afterwards everyone is all happy and Matt and USMC share a "dude, I love you, man" moment. 

In favland, Francesca is getting A LOT of camera face time, which is never a good thing.  She's going on and on about how she isn't going to be the first out this time, no way, no how".  And then they keep showing a monkey eating a cricket. 

Which brings up another question:  WHY DOESN'T ANYONE EVER MAKE A SLINGSHOT AND GRILL ONE OF THE MONKEYS??????????????

Francesca gives a wasted attempt to make up with Phillip but he's all "she's stuck in a time warp."  I really wanted to feel sorry for her but I gotta say there is something about her that pisses me off.  Phillip, who is not stuck in a time warp, goes on and on about how he is playing by Boston Rob rules, since we all remember Phillip rode Rob's coat tails that whole season. 

Phillip is gonna be the stealth person in the background making all the decisions.  He gets Corrine and Andrea to recruit Malcolm, Dawn and Cochran into an alliance.  He tries to get Erik to join some quasi "i like you but your not really in my alliance" thing but that, plus the fact that Erik I believe is totally scared of the big black guy in pink underwear turns Erik totally off. Even though Mr. Stealth tells Erik "I'm just the messenger".

In Fanville, Reynold and Allie form a 'secret alliance".  They're gonna be tight but ignore each other at camp.  Well, except for the nights when they will basically dry hump each other in full view of everyone.  Alliance #2 is Eddie and Hope,  because they believe they are the two best looking on the show.  These 4 form the cool lunch table clique. 

Morning after the hook up, Laura and Sherri are discussing the hook up while the lunch kids frolic in all their splendidness in the water.  Along with Julia they form an alliance and ask Michael because, hell, he's pretty feminine to join him.  He'd rather go lay in his jeans in the water with Matt, who he says he 'vibed" with earlier at camp.  Matt is kinda hesitant but they kinda decide to be the 2 person swing alliance.  Matt says, "but hell, we're never gonna git ourselves to tribal anyway". 

Immunity challenge:  Cochrain is soooo sunburned. He's laughing it off but he has big giant red hobbit feet.  

QUESTION 4:  Shouldn't they get sunscreen out there?? 

So the challenge, which is a new one thankyouverymuch, is kind of a fireman rescue thing, provided the firemen go into your house and throw your shit onto the curb.  It's 4 stores and at each level there are crates with sandbags.  In 2's they run up the stairs, throw the crates out and take the fire pole back down.  When all the crates are out they have to do a sand bag toss. 

It's pretty close all the way through until the very last crates, and the favs pull ahead.  Malcolm is throwing the sandbags and not doing so well.  Along comes the playa Reynolds who is apparently very good at getting things into holes.  Fans win immunity. 

Back at Favland, Francesca is hitting the ground running and trying to get Phillip out.  She is talking to Cochrain and Brandon joins in.  Brandon talks to Erik, who we know hates Phillip.  Brandon is thinking Francesca and tells Erik that Phillip says he has the numbers.  Then Francesca comes up with this scheme to split the votes and I can't even figure out if she's talking to people she's even aligned with.  And yes, they are showing the crazy monkeys again.

Dawn talks to Cochrain.  She doesn't really trust Francesca even though they were kind of aligned.  She wants to align with Cochrain, even though he screwed her in the past.

Suddenly the bad woman hating Brandon re-emerges and wants Andrea off.  He and Erik detect a "bad vibe" and run to Francesca.  They decide not to split the vote but to go for Andrea. 

Tribal:

Brandon tells Jeff that this time around "we're all chiefs" and they agree that the game is moving much faster since they have experience.  Jeff asks Francesca about her and Phillip's rivalry and she says he's at least learned to say her name this time around.  Phillip makes the case that she is concerning, and that she is impatient, strategizing too early.  Jeff points out that Francesca is the least experienced player since she never made it past day 1. 

Time to vote.  Andrea gets 4 votes and Francesca is the first person voted out AGAIN.  (Note:  Kelly you now have Brandon and Ron you now have Cochran). 

FAVS

Andrea      Alternate 3        Jeff and Eileen

Brandon    Kelly                  Kim

Brenda      Stacey              Annemarie

Corrine       Susan                John

Dawn        Karen                  Elayne  (RANDOM)

Erik            Becky                Meagan

Cochran        Kevin/Matt        Ron

Phillip           Denise              Connie

Malcolm        Ginnie            Lesley

FANS
Laura            Donna               Alt 2

Sherrie            Stephanie        Lori

Matt                Nancy            Joanne

Hope            Rachel                Donna and John

Eddie            Amy A                Gail

Julia                Amy D              Alt 3

Allie                Betty                Nikki

Michael         Tess                    Cindy

Shamar            Liz                    Jill

Reynold            Alt 2                Carolyn

OUT
Francesca    Kelly                Ron

Bachelor Week 1

Ahhhh, I wasn't gonna do it but you know I can't watch this shit without commenting, and Wil really doesn't want to hear it!  LOL.  Looks like we have 25 (or is it 26?  hmmmmm) ho bags HIV and Herpes tested and ready to compete!  The Bachelor is Sean, or Shawn or something like that.  Not that it really matters because week 1 is all about the women who will either get a rose or a house full of cats to begin their lives as the crazy cat ladies who were once on the Bachelor.  

Here we go, as they come out of the limo:

1. AshLee E.  or AshLee F as the website calls her
2. Jackie, who is a cosmedic consultant (Mary Kay or Avon??).  She whips out a red lipstick and leaves a big kiss on his cheek.
3. Selma-who pulls a Kleenex out of her cleavage and wipes the lipstick off.  
4.  Leslie H who I believe is biracial.  Looks like ABC is taking it up a notch this season.  She's a poker dealer.
5. Daniella, or as I like to call her "the girl with the skank hair".  It's bad.  She does this strange "let's have out own handshake" thing.
6.  Kelly.  She "entertains" on a cruise ship.  Not a hooker at all.  LOL.  She sings a song she made up for him.  
7.  Katie is a yoga girl who doesn't wear shoes.  Probably rubs a crystal under her pits for deodorant too.  
8. Ashlee #2 (P).  She is the 50 shades of Grey freakazoid who comes with a gray tie to use on Sean.  Because as we all know, twenty-something men are totally reading that book.  
9.  Taryn-she has pretty hair braids
10. Catherine
11. Robyn, who is also african american.  She decides to do a couple of backflips on the way over to Sean and falls spectacularly on national TV.  So in case you were wondering if it was possible to be MORE humiliated that just having to go on the Bachelor to find lurve, yes it is.
12. Lacey, who comes right out and...shakes his hand.   She also gives him a lace heart to remember her.
13. Paige, who is a jumbotron operator (does that mean she knows how to use the on and off switch??).  She was on Bachelor Pad 3 but still managed to pass the STD check.
14. Tierra who is really really GLAD to meet him.  And then he says, "wait a minute", runs inside and gets a rose for her.  She has an open heart on her finger and wants him to close it for her.  She gets the first rose.  Sean: "I hope that doesn't cause tension in the house".  Nah, not at all Sean, you clueless idiot.
15. Amanda who wants to get the awkward pause out of the way in a very awkward way.
16. Leriann, who also has really bad hair.  She drove 2000 miles to be there and apparently forgot her blowdryer.
17. Desiree, who wins the first impression in my mind by bringing pennies for them to throw in the fountain (is it always the same house??)
18. Sarah 1-arm
19. Brooke who is also african american and kind of sleezy.
20. Diana
OK, my DVD crapped out and I lost 4 Ho's.
25. Lindsay arrives in a full out bridal gown and veil.  

Looks like I  missed the 3rd Ashley, H, who is AA and wearing a horrible blue dress.  Leslie, Lauren and Kristie might be the rest of the missing girls.  

Oh, and wait there's one more person who called and wanted to meet Sean.  Kacie B from Ben's season.  I love how these girls know all the other girls and what freaking season they were on!  Kasie B met Sean in the past (is that the show about the losers?) and wanted to come back.  He lets her back and of course the Ho-cats start freaking out.  

And so we begin the "party".  Desiree gets to talk to him and BANG he gives out another rose.  What??  The Ho-cats are starting to meow because a few of them can count to 2 roses.  Then all hell breaks lose as Sean just starts handing out roses.  He's apparently into "energy".  The first 3 with roses sit together and the holder of rose #3 has to bag on Tierra saying that hers wasn't really a first impression rose and all of their roses are the same.  Whatev!!  

Selma gets one, Jackie gets one, Robyn gets one.  He's just running through them!  Everyone's freaking out that some girls are having one on one time and NOT GETTING THE ROSE.  OMG!!  It's so confusing!!  

The bride is freaking OUT.  She is also drunk.  And clingy.  She thinks maybe he doesn't get the whole wearing a wedding gown thing.  No rose for her.

And now it's the SCARY 50 Shades of Gray girl who wins tonight's prize for the drunkest!  She has bad eyeliner and a bad dress and is really just BAAAAD.  She's slinking around "dancing".  She interrupts Sean and someone, they ask for 30 seconds and she stands there dancing while she waits.  Out comes the gray tie again.  "My mom is already in love with you and calls you her future son-in-law".  Uhuh, clearly insanity is genetic in that family.  No rose for her.  Sean: "I think she was 50 shades of drunk".  He walks her inside and she falls on her ass.  

Leslie H gets a rose and it's now like sharks smelling blood in the water.  They're all over him.  

Taryn is tearful.  She and Brooke are sitting together and Sean comes up AND TAKES  BROOKE AWAY.  So now the boo hooing is really starting.  "I don't fight over a guy...I can't do this for 9 weeks".  

Sarah 1 arm is nervous and working herself into hysteria.  If I don't get a rose it's because I ONLY HAVE ONE ARM.  And do you know how hard it is to open cat food cans with one arm?????  You try it next time.  Finally she gets her chance for a chat, and frankly bored me to tears.  NO ENERGY.  But, then again, she has ONE ARM and Sean gives her the pity rose.  OH GOOD!! Next week when I get the ax I can be relieved to know it was because my personality sucks, not just that I have ONLY ONE ARM.

Ding ding ding.  Ladies, time for the final rose giveaways.  Sean has 7 left to give out.  Big drama.......

Amanda, Leslie N, Kasie B, Kristie, Skank Hair Daniella, Taryn and Lindsay get the roses which means that Sean has weeded out 2 Ashley's, Kelly and Keriann (the cruise ship hooker, who is embarassed), Paige, Lacey Underthings and Lauren.  50 shades is gone.  :( 

Survivor: Ding Dong!

Ahhhhh, I  really don't want this season to end!!!  Finale tonight and I will be watching!!  Especially because....

Ding dong
The witch is dead
Which old witch?
The fucking Brazillian one.

Sooooo, sweet little dufus Carter went last week instead of the horror. Abi thinks they believe that she has an idol.  LOL.  She has to rush off and bury it again while Malcolm and Mike laugh behind her back.  Malcolm's a little worried about Lisa saying she wanted to take people to the finale she can beat. 

Once alone with Lisa, Abi starts working on her.  "you're at the bottom and everyone can beat you".  Lisa is just planning on using her for information. 

Challenge:  Race over a slide twice, run into the ocean, get rings and do a ring toss. Wanna know what you're huffing out into the water for?  A helicopter ride, pizza and a big fish.  Spoiler alert-Mike wins from the very start.  He picks Malcolm and Lisa to go with him but promises Denise all of his food, and Lisa tells her "just leave me the dishes".  LOL, as if they are gonna go back and cook a Thanksgiving meal. 

Abi has the sadz.

Back at camp, it's Denise's worst nightmare.  "It's like a first date with the kid who used to spit on your food in grade school".  And Abi won't shut up!  She thinks Denise is a horrible person.  "I'm the swing  vote and nobody gets that...Next time is my last chance to use the immunity idol..."

Denise: "I want to hang myself".

On the reward, they are on a boat looking for whale sharks.  And eating/drinking.  Apparently Mike hasn't had sugar in 30 years but he downs a couple of "pops" and eats some cookies and is totally wasted. It's pretty funny.  Then the find the giant fish and go snorkeling around it.  Pretty cool.  Afterwards Malcolm starts talking about getting rid of Denise because nobody beats her.  Offers Lisa and Mike final 3.  I'm thinking it's an act to save his own ass. 

Next day, Denise is sick.  She has fang marks on her neck and is totally sore.  Personally, I think it was Abi.  Lisa and Mike pray with her but Abi is relieved. 

Immunity Challenge:  Use the rope bridge, get puzzle pieces and put together a puzzle maze. 

Malcolm is in the lead but at the last minute falls off the rope bridge and has to start over.  Denise is really close on the puzzle but Malcolm comes back and wins.  Oh, and Malcolm honey?  NEVER CUT THAT LONG HAIR OF YOURS.  God, if he can act, maybe Malcolm could play the dude in 50 Shades of Gray!!!  He had long hair redish brown hair.....or at least that's what I remember but I've only read it like 5 times....

So back at camp, and did I ever mention they named the tribe DANGRAYNE?  LOL.  It cracks me up every time.  Anyway, I'm starting my mantra: abiabiabiabiabiabiabiabiabiabiabi,,,,,,

They're sitting around the fire and a giant spark hits Mike. Abi's all SAD. 'I get no credit here".  She tells Mike and Lisa, "you two don't have a change against Malcolm and Denise...take me..." Mike says he'll think about it but OMG 3 more days of her??  Mike and Lisa talk about taking Abi instead of Malcolm or Denise to the finals.  Lisa wants to take Abi along BUT they  need Denise's strength to possibly keep Malcolm from winning the final immunity challenge. 

Denise asks Malcolm for his extra immunity idol, but he tells her "she won't need it".  Hmmmmm. 

At Tribal:

isa tells Jeff that Abi was totally working it today.  Jeff asks Abi if she's in trouble tonight: "you've been detested and laughed out".  LOL!  Abi still thinks they should take her to the end.

Denise: Sure, if you want someone who hasn't outwitted, outlasted or outplayed
Jeff: But she has...
Denise says she was just lucky that the yellow tribe didn't go to tribal, which gets Lisa's hackles up.  "It wasn't luck but hard work and strength that kept us out of tribal".

Malcolm says that at this point in the game, winning takes over your mind. 
Abi:  They can't beat Denise or Malcolm.  Lisa and Mike are not winning. 
Mike starts to talk but Abi interrupts to say, "No, you are an idiot, that's why you are going to lose a million dollars.
Jeff: Wow, you are a total tool.
Abi:  You are a moron, Mike. 
Mike: That's just Abi's way of communicating...
Lisa: I'd take her to the finale....
Malcolm: Keep in mind, people have used that strategy and that horrible person has won.  WHICH IS WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING ALL WEEK!!!
Abi:  It's just my strategy.  Denise is playing to be elite.  She's just here to make friends.
Denise: "Um, NO, I'm here to win a million dollars. 

Time to vote!  Abi, ya wanna play that "idol" of yours?  Apparently NOT. 

Ahhhhhhhh, Abi is voted off.  Mike literally dances away. 
           

Survivor Update: Full on Hating that Bitch

I can't even remember if I blogged last week or not, but bottom line is Abi is in, Penner is out and Abi is still lying about a 4th immunity idol.  And speaking of Abi, can you believe that the Pope's first tweet was"Man, that Abi is a total bitch". 

Ok, so Abi thinks her days are numbered.  She tries to work on Carter , tells him she as an idol.  He's not into her.

Lisa is all confused, as only Lisa can be totally confused every week.  She believes what Penner was saying at the last tribal that Malcolm and Denise are too strong for her to beat.  Mike tries to convince her that Penner was just saying that to get her doubting herself.

Challenge:  Oh, it's the family one.  One by one out comes family members.  Mike's son, Carter's HOT 5 ft tall mom, Denise's husband, Lisa's brother, Abi's mom and Malcolm's brother.  Ok, I'm totally not sure it really was Abi's mom or the maid from the Philippine Hilton.  She no hablo engleeees and has  NO CLUE where she is or what the show is about.  At least Abi didn't haul off and slap her.  Lisa "falls into her brother's arms" and weeps.  Jeff, who now spends his time all estrogen-ed out on the talk show, is all emotional.  GROW A PAIR, JEFF!!!

The survivors throw a muddy ball to their loved one, who in turn throws it to knock down pins.  It's amazingly close, except for Abi and the maid.  Malcolm wins  immunity.  He gets to bring his brother back to camp for the night.  He also gets to bring 2 other couples, and he picks Lisa and Mike. 

Malcolm's brother is kind of a clown, and is telling lots of stories which has Malcolm worried. 

Lisa talks to her bro about everything and he's all "why are you playing nice?"  He asks why she wouldn't vote out Malcolm, and why she, Mike, Abi and Carter don't form an alliance and pick off Denise and Malcolm.  She says "I gave them my word".  "But you tried to vote him off before and he understood".  Lisa's all excited because her brother somehow "gave her permission to play the game". 

Lisa and her bro talk to Mike and his son and they decide to ambush Malcolm.  And then they pray.  'Jesus would look like Malcolm but play like Carter". 

Malcolm's a little nervous something's going on.

Challenge:  Walk across a balance beam to a platform in the water, hook 3 bags, bring them back to shore and build a pole to poke a target. 

It's close except for Abi who is taking her sweet time.  Jeff's totally yelling at her.  I can't figure out if she is actually lame or if she is acting like, "I have an idol so I don't have to rush". 

Bottom line, Malcolm wins immunity and, with the idol he already has, is definitely in the final 4.  Back at camp Lisa is all "when god closes a door..." and "we prayed that God would tell us if this was the right thing".  She's talking to Mike and in the middle of her sermon he just says, "hey look at the huge ass ant".  LOL. 

Mike and Malcolm talk.  Abi or Carter?  Should they go with peace around the camp or strategy?  Carter comes walking up and they tell him what they were talking about. He reminds them that they have always said they didn't want to take the hated person into the finals just to win. 

Abi is at camp being a bitch, as usual.  Denise is all, "can you just give it a damn rest?"  Abi says "I guess I'll just have to play my hidden immunity idol..."  Malcolm calls her a soul sucker, while Mike says she has every psychological condition rolled into 1. 

Abi, business student and future CEO of a large bank: " If you tell a lie long enough, people start to believe it". 

Tribal:
Malcolm says he feels safe but he's glad he has the immunity necklace. 
Carter says they should pick him instead of Abi because he is "worthy"
Mike says he really likes Carter and it'd be like voting off his son.
Lisa reverses course and says that she'd rather sit next to someone she could beat.

Abi just keeps repeating like a parrot "I have the 4th immunity idol".
Denise: Yea, but no one's seen it and she isn't leveraging it.  Why relationship with Abi?  It's improved but not enough to keep her.
Abi laughs, and Jeff totally thinks she's a crackpot. He asks Denise if Abi can win, and Denise says NO but personally I'm not that sure she wouldn't get votes for hanging in. 

Vote.  Anyone have an idol??  Apparently not...  And, Carter is voted out :(

Amazing Race: Final 4

Yo yo yo!!  Where've you all been?  I've been writing awesome updates in my head but unfortunately they haven't gotten written down in a few weeks.  So, tonight is the 2 HOUR FINALE!  Final 4, which should be final 3 but we can hope the twinnies get the ax early tonight. 

Last week started in Amsterdam, which  makes it even more amazing that the stoner goat herders even made it to the pitt stop.  I have to say, they are getting on my damn nerves!  Last week, if you remember, the had a chance to finally get ahead of Abbie and Ryan, who YET AGAIN got the shaft in Frankfurt, but they decided to "stay and work together".  ARGH!!!  Do you want to win a million or what???  Fortunately Abbie and Ryan had been double whatevered and had to do both roadblocks/detours.  I can't remember which is which without Phil telling me.  Gawd, I thought the Goats were gonna wait for them for finish!  But, alas, the bogus "this season is for 2 million dollars" marketing ploy is kapput. 

Teams have to fly from Amsterdam to Barcelona,Spain and take an OVERNIGHT ferry to the Isle of Mallorca.  Twins have a big advantage and get a 6 am flight, next team gets a 7:20 flight, followed by a 7:55 flight.  No idea what time the Goats got a flight BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER since they have ALL DAY in Spain to lay on the beach and relax.  Twins, Lexi/Trey and the Chips are all happy to be together and playing in the ocean. 

They all meet at the ferry and these 3 teams are thrilled that the Goats beat out Abbie and Ryan, since everyone knows the Goats don't have the balls to win.  Once in Mallorca they have to find a band of very strange and scary people pretending to be Devils and Demons.  Yea, it's kinda freaky.  The clue says they are to drive to Central de blah blah blah, which is a sports complex.  The 3 amigos decide to follow each other, but the one TWINNIE who was supposed to learn stick thought it was easy and skipped her lessons.  She can barely get out of the parking lot. 

Once at the tennis complex, one member has to return 20 tennis balls, in bounds, because someone from Mallorca was a big deal tennis player. 

Trey knows how to play tennis!  The ball shooter thing goes really fast, and you only get one "bucket" of balls to get to 20, or you have to start over again.  Trey does it on the first try.  Next up is James, who's not the tennis player.  It takes him 2 rounds to get to 20.  Clue:  Drive to the Cove de Campaneta.

Next to arrive are the Goats, and the tall Goat, with the bad ankle, chooses to play tennis.  He obviously sucks.  And he's lame ass, and he is such a whining moaner the little goat says he sounds just like Monica Seles.  After the first or second round he has to sit drinking Evian and breathing hard. 

Twins arrive then.  And it's all COME ON TWINNIE, MOVE YOUR ASS TWINNIE.  Apparently they skipped the tennis lessons their parents paid for as well.  Goat dude gets his shit together and he gets done first. 

At the coves, which are caves, teams have to find the music playing.  Not really difficult but there are 2 dudes playing guitar and the don't stop or say anything.  Clue:  Detour:  Spin it or Bull it.  In spin it, teams have to repair a giant windmill;  in bull it teams dress up as a bull and have to go around 8 matadors and butt a target at the end. 

Both the Chips and Lexi/Trey decide to do the bull thing, but the Chips actually drive in the wrong direction and end up at the windmills.  Lots of tawdry jokes about them dressing as construction workers in their jobs but they really did know how to put the windmill together.  They finish first and are told to head to the Pitt stop, a 14th century castle.

Trey and Lexi do the bull thing, which requires one person to be the blind half of the bull and the one in back yelling which way to go.  It's pretty easy and you have 2 minutes to get through it.  At the final part, where the bull is supposed to just touch a target to release the bullfighter, Trey tells Lexi to run towards it, to ram it, and they crash into it.  She cuts her finger and is totally PISSED OFF.  They have to do it again. 

It's a race the Pitt stop, but Trey/Lexi come in first place, followed by the Chips. 

Down to Twins and Goats. Both choose to do the windmill, and the Twins are all cocky since they they think the guys are a bunch of weaklings.  Turns out, owning a goat farm means you have to repair farm equipment all the time, and they kick ASS on it.  Twins are hopelessly stupid, attached stuff wrong and just are lame. 

Goats are team #3!!  And, here come the Twins.  PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE, Phil, give them the BOOT!!!

ACK!!!!!! Yet another non elimination leg!!!  Twins are still in the race!!!  BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Good luck to the final 4!!!!!

1. Trey and Lexi                Amy
2. Jaymes and James        Joanne
3. Josh and Brent            Susan
4. Natalie and Nadiya    Jeff and Eileen

Out
11. Rob and Sheila             Donna
10.Amy and Daniel        Lori
9. Caitlin and Brittany       Kevin and Matt
8. Gary and Will            Karen and John
7. Rob and Kelley        Elayne
6. James and Mark         Betty
5. Abbie and Ryan            Ginnie

Survivor: Lisa comes alive!

Whoah, who gave Lisa caffeine?  She's a little fighter!! 

After last week, Jonathan feels betrayed by his alliance.  He's pissed.  Jeff is thinking perhaps it wasn't a good idea to give up power to Pete.  Ya think so jackass??

Mike and Jon talk.  Mike doesn't want him to give up.  Says "there are cracks  in their alliance.  Let's just wait for them to screw themselves".  Wise advice.

Lisa has a plan...or two...or three.  First up is to get rid of Jon or Mike, then flip things so that they can get rid of Pete, Abi and Artis. 

Reward challenge-something to interrupt the constant scheming.  Split into 2 teams, swim out and get 4 buoys, get pulled back, dig up the key to the puzzle frame and then do a flag puzzle.  Wanna know?  A river cruise with ribs, cornbread, iced tea.  LOL.  I love how they gave up actually enjoying the local culture about 5 seasons ago. 

Blue team is Mike, Pete, Artis, Abi and Carter vs the Yellow team of Denise, Malcolm, Lisa, Jeff and Jonathan.  I wonder if they got to chose their own teams?  So, it's neck and neck and then Lisa sucks at swimming.  Denise makes up the time and then Mike can't find his buoy.  The blue team gets to the puzzle first but yellow crushes it and wins reward.  NOTE: the patterns on the yellow flag are MUCH EASIER TO DIFFERENTIATE. 

Back on the beach, Abi is asked who is in their alliance and she spouts off a bunch of information which pisses Pete off.  He says she's immature and just leaks information.  He'd love to get rid of her but anyone standing next to her at the end is guaranteed a million dollars.  So, we have officially entered the "let's keep the total dicks" portion of the game. 

On reward, they are all happy happy happy to be together, because Pete, Abi and Artis have a reputation as being negative complainers.  But the winners are all happy and nice!  LOL.  Jon says he doesn't want to see bullies win, so he's willing to go with any of the 4 on the reward with him. He's scrambling surely. 

Lisa's new plan is to go into the final with people who are not really well liked and nice, ie, Abi, Pete and Artis, and Mike because he is her buddy.  She tells Mike that Malcolm has the idol.  She wants Tandang to hold together. 

It all depends on immunity.

Immunity Challenge: Only 1 idol this time around.  2 phase challenge.  First is an obstacle course, second is a puzzle challenge for the 3 winners of the first round. 

First round.....Pete, Jeff and Jon.  Moving onto the snake puzzle, it's Jeff and Pete until BAM Jonathan pulls ahead and wins his first ever immunity.  NOTE: he had the yellow snake pieces which had much clearer patterns. I'm totally saying it is a conspiracy. 

Soooooo.  All plans are off now and it's time to scramble.  First it's Mike.  Jeff says, 'sorry Mike".  Then Lisa tells Pete about Malcolm and the idol.  Says they should blindside him at tribal.  Pete is totally surprised, and asks Malcolm about it.  Malcolm says he doesn't have the idol and asks where he heard it.  Lisa.  Pete tells Malcolm he can save him if they go with Jeff. 

Lisa confronts Pete about telling Malcolm and he's all wishy washy.  Suddenly there are 6 people intending to vote for Pete.  Jeff tells Carter everyone is voting for Pete and Carter says, "dude, I thought it was you...".

Total scramble!

Tribal council:
Mike, is it you?  Not sure since I heard people talking today...
Malcolm: Lisa totally there me under the bus.
Probst: Lisa???
Lisa: Yep. I did.
Abi: One of our tribe members just screwed us.
Lisa:  But you were OK with getting rid of Mike
Abi: He was always on the outside.  Our alliance is Pete, me, Artis and you. 
Malcolm: Say WHAT??
Abi:  Oh yea, I probably wasn't supposed to say that.
Lisa:  I was trying to get the idol out.  I was playing both sides but my alliance is tandang.
Malcolm: Yo, I totally have the idol and I'm totally playing it.
Probst:  Anyone else have an idol??
Abi: I do Jeff. 

What a total idiot.  So now everyone shares the various plans and it's all out in the open. 

Time to vote:
Abi 1
Pete 4
Jeff 5

And just like that I will not be winning any Survivor pool this time around!