Survivor: No Time for Beach Yoga

Welcome to this week's Survivor update!  And, in case you were looking, there was no update last week.  I felt like, in the end, there was enough cyber ink spilled over the Jeff Varner expose and I couldn't add anything more to it other than more outrage.

As Zeke himself says this week, "let's just get back into the game".  Which is not to say that the whole trans-outing isn't now going to be a giant elephant sitting in the middle of the game this season as of now, people seem to be defensive and supportive of Zeke.  We'll see how long that lasts!

Bang, it's a challenge OR IS IT??  There's a table of food and everyone is all antsy that IT'S THE MERGE!!!  Jeff has to ask everyone, "how important is food???"  Yea, about as important as sex at the Pottstown Motel 6 is to you, Jeff.  They're all like kids when you walk in the door after work and are all up in your face with I'M STAAAAAARRRRRRVVVVVVIIIIINNNNNGGGGG.  

Jeff gets to play with the catnip a bit more because there's one final tribal decision they have to make first.  One member of each tribe has to VOLUNTEER to not eat or everyone gets a Ritz cracker and a piece of cheese.  Which, lemme point out there are starving children in Africa that would kill for that high society party snack.  Brad is the first to volunteer.  Zeke, who did not volunteer, says it's because he didn't look great last time he played, and showing off is the Colpepper brand.  Tai, of course, also volunteers because Tai is honest and pure and lives on the farts of unicorns in real life.  

And they merge into Maku Maku.  Cirie, who also did not volunteer to not eat, thinks Tai and Brad are just doing it for brownie points.  Cirie also predicts that "thinks are gonna start happening".  

Tai and Brad sit on a log and bond, while everyone else eats and drinks.  Debbie pretends to be drunk. She also, while not pretending to be drunk. apologizes to him.  Zeke tells the Varner story about being outed as trans and everyone appears to be upset for him all over again.  

The bro's meet (Troy, Oz and Brad) and hammer out their alliance and their desire to get rid of Hali or Michaela.  And then literally everyone runs around telling each other it's Michaela.  Sierra keeps getting mad because Michaela keeps turning up while she's being talked about.  Sierra thinks she has no tact.  LOL!!  Like she should have a fucking bell around her neck or walk up yelling yooooowoooooo, I'm nearby!  Michaela asks Zeke what he told people about her and he says, "you're good at challenges".  

Zeke, Cirie and Andrea have an alliance and decide they need Michaela.  "We have to be first to strike because this is the last day people are going to pretend to get along".  

Hali, who is kinda strange and doesn't really join in the reindeer games, wants to work with Micheala.  She tells Micheala that she's heard her name at least once.  Micheala gets pissed off but fortunately talks to momma Cirie for some guidance.  Cirie tells her basically to not act like an angry black woman.  Says she used to be like Michaela but has learned to control her emotions can chillout.  Cirie decides to nurture Michaela a bit to get her on her side.  

Immunity Challenge.  Oooh, a new necklace.  They have to stand on their toes with a block wedged between their heads and the stand.  Andrea wins immunity.  

Sierra declares she is now in charge.  Decides Hali is playing way too confident and wonders if she has an idol.  Let's split the vote between Hali and Michaela.  They decide to tell everyone else it's Zeke.  When they tell Michaela she says, "I'm feeling like my name is being written down".  

Cirie doesn't like the decision.  Why not just go with Hali?  She wonders where that leaves them since they need Michaela.  

Zeke asks Sierra, laying in her hammock, why Michaela?  Sierra says something about her coming back and causing havoc.  Sierra asks what Zeke's problem is, says there's a new sherrif in town.  

Cirie tells Micheala to stay with voting for Zeke.  

Tribal:

Cirie gets to light her torch and Jeff gets to do his song and dance about fire being your life and I'm like STOP ALREADY!!!

Zeke says it's insanity because there are too many people to watch

Andrea says the lines are being drawn and that this vote sets the tone

Debbie says there is no shock coming tonight.  

Hali goes on this lovely scenario about being in the dark with people with rifles and she and a few others are blindfolded waiting to be shot.  It's like, ooooookay you crazy bitch!

Michaela says she is worried because no one has talked to her.  She says people need to look at who has the control and what's guiding their votes.

Tai says people are looking 2-3 votes down the road. 

Ozzy says his criteria are who is risky and who might have an idol

Jeff asks what roles idols play at tribal.  Literally chapter one from SURVIVOR FOR DUMMIES

Debbie says she loves tribal, it's like the Coliseum, and it's always time to flush out an idol.

Cirie says something about the person who everyone thinks might have an idol might not know they are accused of having an idol.

Hali says anyone who wants to ask can come and shake her down and look through her stuff.  She's not volunteering or anything but if anyone asks they can strip search her.  I'm guessing after the whole terrorist fantasy she just explained, no one is really into the strip search.

Andrea says it's a good strategy to volunteer info like that

Hali then goes zen and asks, are the blindfolded people really the targets?  Ooooh.  Maybe we are all just wandering in dark rooms full of snipers in life, Hali.  

Time to vote.  Zeke 2, Michaela 4 and Hali 6.  

Shit, and then there was another episode!  I hate these double week write ups!!

This is clearly not a season of doing yoga on the beach!  

Next morning Micheala says she slept very well last night.  Cirie tells her no one can know that she has anything to do with orchestrating the vote to be more Hali's than Michaela's.  

Cirie tells Zeke that she has her own ideas about how the game should go.  Zeke says that Sierra is like the Godfather, and Brad is under her controlling Troy.  Zeke thinks that everyone would be on board with disrupting the Sierra-Brad show.  Aubry feels like she's in the middle of a giant italian family brawl, but she's currently find with team Cirie.  

Zeke and Andrea lay in the hammock of power and discuss getting rid of Brad and Sierra.  She tells Zeke, WE CANNOT TELL DEBBIE AND TAI ABOUT IT.  And, bing, Debbie comes up.  

Zeke starts thinking things aren't adding up because he's getting all of his info and instructions from Andrea or Cirie.  He decides that Brad and Sierra are less of a threat than Andrea and Cirie.  Why wait to get rid of them?  

Challenge:  2 teams: swim to a net with wooden fish, untie, swim back, hook fish on a pole, carry fish, do puzzle. Wanna know??  It's a day of luxury at the Marshall's lounge.  

It's Sierra, Brad. Aubry, Michaela, Cirie and Sarah against Tai, Oz, Troy, Debbie, Zeke and Andrea.  Tai and Andrea forget a few fish and have to go back, but in the end they all win the reward.  

At camp, Cirie is very upset.  She tells Sierra that it takes her back to a time when she has 4 children and was unable to provide food for them.  This game takes you to the worst places mentally.  

OMFG, who knew Marshall's Lounge was sponsored by Marshalls??  I totally want to know if the towels matched or if they were all from different manufacturers and different die lots.  Tai decides to streak like he did in the 70s with his ex wife.  The kids are all like, what's streaking??

Zeke can't let it rest and enjoy himself so he pulls Debbie and Tai aside and says he is amassing his own army and thinks Cirie and Andrea are big threats.  Debbie doesn't trust him and is skeptical of why he is saying this to them.  

Immunity challenge:  Hug-a-Pole.  Apparently Ozzy has won this twice in his life.  It comes down to Ozzy and Tai, and grasshopper Tai out Zen's Ozzy to win immunity.  

Zeke is happy that Andrea doesn't win immunity, and he tells Sierra that Cirie and Andrea are gunning for her.  She says, "I thought you and Andrea were close".  She doesn't trust him either.  

Sierra confronts Cirie and tells her Zeke told me you wanted to vote for me.  Cirie tells Andrea and Ozzy that Sierra told her that Zeke says they want to vote for her.  Now Sarah, Andrea and Cirie are mad at Zeke.

Debbie and Sierra lay in the hammock of power and discuss.  Debbie says she would be good with Ozzy.  Sierra agrees but says it's like herding cats.  Debbie tells Troy who is thrilled.  Debbie runs around telling everyone that it's Ozzy.  Sarah feels like it's a tough decision because there are 2 competing groups, one wants Ozzy and one wants Zeke gone.  

Tribal

Ozzy says that the stakes are even higher this time as everyone is playing cut throat.

Sarah says there are no real relationships, that "we're all a bunch of singles people waiting to hook up"

Tai says immunity still matters and that it was either he or Ozzy and he wanted to win.

Ozzy says he talks and trust people, and also he is the one who feeds everyone.

Aubry says that the game is much harder this time around and she's glad Ozzy brings in the protein

Zeke says something about people asking "can I beat them or can they beat me and then making them THINK they can beat you"

Tai is as always amazed when someone puts strategy into words like that.

Zeke says it's OK that Tai thinks he's terrific 

Debbie goes on about it's who you put on the jury and then some air force crap about working together but on Survivor the people you are working with all have knives out.

Vote-Jeff, wait, I want to use this extra vote THAT I GAVE UP THE NECESSITIES OF LIFE ON EXILE for.

Andrea 1

Sierra 1

Zeke 4

Ozzie gets blindsided with 5 votes and leaves saying, "good luck eating!"  

Jeff says, a punch was just thrown.  

Survivor: Adios!!

Let's just skip the bullshit preamble this week, shall we?  DA QUEEN IS GONE.  ADIOS!!!!!

Ahhhhhhhh.  

Ok.  Now I can do the update.  After the LAST blindside of JT, Aubry says she's impressed.  Da Queen explains it had to be done because of "da betrayal".  Aubry says that clearly Sandra is running the show and she needs to learn from the master.  

It's night on the Orange beach and Tai decides that, JUST LIKE ON THE OTHER BEACH, the idol is also buried at the water well.  OH COME THE FUCK ON PROBST!!!  REALLY???  Why not just give Tai a six pack of idols in a bubble pack and make the tough part him having to chew the container open.  He goes out in the dark, with a camera crew that apparently none of the sleepers can hear or see, throws water on the well walls and HOLY SHIT WHAT AMAZEMENT!!  Finds his second idol.  His groin is gonna get chaffed from all that cheap raffia in there.  Tai says "I a game changer".  

Challenge.  Or is it???  Drop your buffs!!  They are re-divided back into 2 tribes with Debbie left to go to Exile Island.  More on that ridiculousness in a minute. When told, she tells the totally FASCINATING AND LEWD story about the time as a child that she went off alone with a pony.....  Somewhere there is a pony with a baaaaaaad story to tell.  

Let's see them in their original colors to figure this out:  

Current Mana:

Troyzan

Michaela

Sierra

Hali

Aubry

Cirie

Brad

Current Nuku

Sandra

Varner

Tai

Ozzy

Andrea

Zeke

Sarah

So Mana is pretty well split 4-3 but Brad tries to make a Troy-Brad man connection.  Troy is a bit hesitant to get into a man alliance and get his balls whacked by the ladies.  He says, "we're not connected just because we're men".   So Brad now has an alliance of 3 with Sierra and Troy but needs a 4th.

On Nuku Sandra and Jeff are the odd men out.  Sandra AINT EVEN SCARED.  She's calm and collected because DA QUEEN STAYS DA QUEEN.  Zeke and Under-the-radar Ozzie decide Sandra has to go but also that their best bet is to make them feel comfortable and safe.  Andrea thinks Tai is scary.  

Zeke talks to Tai and tells him Sandra.  Tai agrees because he's terrified of her.  Zeke is telling Sandra and Jeff that the vote is Tai and he hopes Tai doesn't find out. Fortunately he has his balls full of idols.  

Ok, So here's the Debbie thing and I effing swear to god that they invented this on the fly to handle her.  Exile Island is basically a luxury yacht, probably where Probst actually stays during the taping with is little island niblets.  Debbie is gleefully running around the boat when another boat pulls up and.....it's Cochran.  She's awestruck because she thinks sex with Cochran JUST MIGHT be better than a pony.  He's no doubt like, "oh my god not Debbie".  He says his role is to talk strategy with her.  Debbie tells him everything is A-OK, and he's thinking, "then why did I get an emergency call OUT IN HOLLYWOOD to come handle a survivor problem??"  She tells him she's secure and he deduces that her fatal flaw was and is overconfidence.  He tells her there is no such thing as a great position and she confides she MIGHT have had a tiff with Brad before this happened.  Cochran points out to her that while she is on the yacht, Brad has time to tell people what a fucking nutter she is and push her out of the game.  He tells her she needs to go back and swallow her pride, mend fences, etc.  

He also gives her another advantage.  It's a choice of 3 options: a fake idol kit, and extra vote and a team challenge advantage.  She takes the extra vote.  She cries and he tells her "this could be a GAME CHANGER" for her.  Cochran is forced to hug her for a bit before he can get the hell out of dodge.  "You're gonna do great!!!"

Ok, I just gotta state the truth here and NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT, but Zeke and Varner have a little gay down time on the beach and "bond".  Jeff tells Zeke that he's scared and Zeke feels like he's a desperate person that he could maybe save.  He tells Jeff he's not at the bottom and that Zeke wants Tai to go home.  Jeff buys into it. "I'm in".  

Sandra asks Jeff what youse was talking about.  Jeff tells her that they are targeting Tai and she says she's in but it aint adding up.  "I'll take control.  They don't know Da Queen.  

Immunity Challenge.  Today the refrigerator magnets have lined up as follows:

Swim to a platform

Monkey bars

Lift heavy puzzle pieces

Put heavy puzzle pieces on a sled

Drag heavy sled up the beach using roller logs

Do puzzle

It's basically a blow out and Orange wins immunity sending Blue Nuku to tribal.  

At the campfire, Ozzie is sad that they lost but Zeke says they can now get rid of Sandra.  Sandra thinks it's time to work her magic.  She tells Zeke, Ozzy and Sarah that when Debbie comes back, having her, Tai and Aubry isn't going to be good for them come merge.  She tells them she could help them.  Sarah points out later that it was as if Sandra was grooming them.  Kind of like when your mom spit washed your hair down and them slapped you in the head.  That kind of grooming.  Ozzie admits he did make eye contact with her and felt for a moment his spirit begin to be sucked in the vortex, but then he woke up and remembered why she has to go.  BUT, he does think she is right about those 3.  

Tai is getting worried because everyone has disappeared. I was wondering if he was gonna look for a freaking 3rd idol for his jock.  He talks to Ozzie and Jeff and mentions that it's Sandra.  Jeff tells Sandra and she says it's all about setting Tai up and she's gonna twist it and he is GOING HOME. 

Tribal and Debbie returns.  

Andrea is all about getting rid of big threats

Ozzie says it's all about which of us returning hero's is the biggest threat

Probst points out that Ozzie was looking at Sandra when he said that.  She says, yep, it's probably me.  

Tai says it's accurate that Sandra is the target but that he is also worried because he took out Malcolm.  

Sarah indicates that she's heard a few names and says some people might be open still

Tai says that's what he's worried about because no one said any other names to him.  Says he thought it was all Sandra votes.

Sandra jumps on this and tells Tai she'll vote anyway he wants.  Tai whispers in her ear.

Sandra tells everyone he said Ozzy.  

Tai agrees that he said Ozzy because he is the biggest physical threat

Lots of craziness again ensues and people are talking about voting Tai behind his back.

Zeke points out to Tai that he constantly tells everyone he's looking for an idol.  

Varner asks if they can just vote.  So they do.  

Any idols?  Nope.

And after 94 days playing Survivor, DA QUEEN's torch is snuffed out.  ADIOS!!!

Survivor: Who ate the Sugar??

Good morning and welcome to the very sad Malcolm-less world of Survivor.  Malcolm was, of course, blindsided at the insanity tribal last week, and I agree with the comments from some of you that there will be new rules put in place next season regarding talking during tribal.  Poor Jeff didn't even get to use the psychobabble he especially looked up on the google machine.  

So, MALCOLM IS GONE.  Da Queen, Sandra, is royally pissed.  (See what I did there??)  She wants to know from JT why they went for Malcolm.  JT is majorly on the hot seat, and being in Sandra's cross hairs is not a place any human or goat ever wants to find themselves.  He SWEARS he did not tell them they were all going for Sierra.  Sandra says it's payback time.
JT decides he needs an idol and HOLY COW WHAT A FREAKING COINCIDENCE, he finds a clue after about 5 seconds of looking.  The clue tells him something about landmarks and WOW, he finds that clue in about 5 seconds.  Totally believable, doncha think??

Challenge and OMG MALCOLM IS GONE!!!  Ozzy is particularly bothered as he is now the big strong alpha dog.  The challenge is for PB&J, cookies also for team 1.  The tribe has to use a hook , and then a bow, digging for a ball, and then there is a balance beam with balls and then.....a slide puzzle.  Teams are given a few to strategize and Debbie ASKS TO DO THE BALANCE BEAM PORTION.  Troy is like, OK.

OK, so it was a really boring challenge to me, and I have notes but they are just names and arrows.  Teams had to go through the non-puzzle part of the challenge twice, and Hali did the beam the first time through and Debbie bungled her way through it the second time, dropping the ball multiple times.  And they lost.  And now do you all remember why Debbie was a psycho last time around??  Debbie goes into full crazy mode, blaming he loss on BRAD because he's such a dictator and was just "assigning jobs".

Sarah is all happy with the win but decides she needs options.  She talks to Troy, and since no one else is talking to him, she swears him to secrecy.  Sarah has decided the straight cop life isn't working for her so she's gonna play like a criminal because "they always win".  Hmmmm, someone seems a bit burned out.  Troy would love to work with Sarah (or anyone) and not have to use his idol.

Back in crazy land, Debbie is continuing to melt down.  Jesus she is so effing annoying.  And I know I am not the only one who has worked with these types of nut jobs.  Brad says she's "unpredictable" which is hilarious because SHE'S A FREAKING NUTCASE.  She's ranting, "I'm just doing what I'm told, it's Marsha, Marsha, MARSHA!!!!   I get no respect as a double naught spy!!  I've been TRAINED!!!  HALI lost us the challenge because she took too long on HER part of the balance beam.  "Brad is so far up your ass he's looking out of your eyes".  JESUS do I love a good meltdown that is not me.

Debbie rants to Tai that  Brad has NO RESPECT.  HALI LOST US PB&J!!!!!  Tai is actually scared of the crazy lady.  And she's running down the beach with her blanky during all of this.  And then she does push ups and says the reason for her six pack is all of the times she works out instead of losing it on people.  It really is EPIC.  Like all nutbags, she now has them all around her and Brad is trying to apologize.  Brad, I had your back but YOU CRUSHED MY HEAAAAAAART.

So, in other crazy news, JT does not like Michaela.  Apparently they still have coffee left over from last week, and a bit of sugar.  Michaela asks JT to make her a cup of 7 drips of coffee and a scoop of sugar.  JT is mad and apparently they are the only 2 that take sugar in their coffee, because as you know, when you are starving on Survivor you need to make sure you get your coffee the way you like it.  Sandra decides to eat the rest of the sugar so JT will blame Michaela.  And it works like a charm.  Varner is completely amused at how Sandra manipulated the situation.  Michaela is predictably mad as well.

It's mealtime at Mana.  And it's awkward.  Tai doesn't like the tension so he decides to ask the magic idol fairies for another idol and HOLY SHIT WHAT A COINCIDENCE, he finds a clue inside a tree knot.  Now, not that I'm cruel or anything but why do they always hide the clues inside tree knots??  And why, in the freaking jungle, does no one ever get stung and need emergency care from sticking their hands inside a dark tree knot??  And why in all of these seasons, has no one ever DIED from Survivor??  I mean, come on the odds are pretty good.

Challenge:

Race over a wall
Roll a giant wooden cube
Unwind keys
Chest of sandbags
Another freaking balance beam
Slingshot.

Seriously, I think they are just using refrigerator magnets to decide what to do in challenges this season.

Debbie wants balance beam again.  I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS DONE GYMNASTICS FOR 10 YEARS.  I took 2 minutes to do the balance beam and Hali took 10 minutes.  Brad wants Hali and Tai, so Debbie decides she in fact WON'T DO IT.

During the race she's all "hey Brad did you see I was first over the wall???" annoying.  Tai has some trouble with the beam and Debbie is all "I'm glad we didn't have the gymnast do it".
At the end, Brad kills the slingshot and they win.  It comes down to JT and Ozzy shooting, and Ozzy beats him to win th second immunity.  Nuku goes to tribal.

JT pleads his case that he is stronger and more pleasant than Michaela.  Aubry wants Michaela to go.  They decide to call her crime sugar napping.  Sandra, meanwhile, wants vengeance for Malcolm.  She talks to Jeff and they wonder if JT has an idol.  They realize it's going to come down to a struggle between JT and Michaela.

Tribal
Sandra says that they blamed JT for last week's tribal because someone leaked Sierra's name.
JT points out that Malcolm was the last person he wanted to go home and that the vote certainly wasn't what he wanted
Michaela dislikes JT being the boss around camp
JT says they've tried to babysit Michaela but camp is difficult right now
Sandra says that JT thinks Michaela licked the sugar container, and they all laugh.
Sandra also says they are keeping strong
Micheala is all hurt and says she's not surprised
JT again says they are all babysitting her
Michaela says she washed dishes makes food etc.
They all begin to pile on Michaela and JT starts to fluff it up, saying she's just filing space.
Aubry says she likes Michaela but it's a quality of life issue. Varner says it's complicated situation but there's too much arguing at camp.
Aubry: the vote is clear
JT: Yep
Sandra:Yep.

They vote and Sandra says the queen stays queen, adios!

Any idol?  NOPE
Jeff starts to read the votes and Michaela takes a cup and a bottle out of her bag and slowly begins to drink water all cool.

And with that, JT is voted off.
Aubry says, damn you guys are good.  Michaela says, hey who ate the sugar?  Sandra says, I did and they all laugh.  

Survivor: WHAT A TRIBAL!!

Good day for a Survivor update!  How you all doing?  

Last week Caleb was voted off, I guess with Tai's help although Hali only really got 1 vote.  Tai says it's just a game and thanks Brad for trusting him.  Debbie tells Hali that she's all glad that Hali is still there.  Hali tries to slither up and gives her loyalty, saying she'd go with Tai if asked.  Debbie is all TOTALLY! But, since she's a double naught spy she says she's just telling her what she wants to hear because Hali is OUT OF OPTIONS!  

Aaaaand Challenge.  2 people from each tribe.  They race over balance beams while balancing a ball on an increasingly higher pole.  Then someone throws sandbags at 9 targets.  All for a coffee bar with cookies for the winner, and a thermos of iced coffee for the first losers.  

Balancing is JT, Ozzie and Tai.  Tai isn't very good at it so it appears they are falling out of it until the throwing part.  Although Malcolm nails the top win and the cookies, It comes down to Troy vs Brad, who is/was a baseball player right?  Brad pulls out the come from behind win.  Ciri says that Troy's place is hanging on by a thread.  

The green tribe are the losers.  No caffeine for them.  Ozzy says losing is great for him, proves they need him.  He's a rock.  And a fish catcher.  In fact, we get to see fish porn and Ozzy gets his close up.  He brings back a big ol fish and Andrea calls him a hero.  

Everyone on blue has a coffee buzz.  Sandra is buzzed AND delusional:  "this is the best tribe EVAH!!  I'm DA QUEEN and all of my relationships are perfect.  

JT and Malcolm talk about how dangerous Sandra is,  Malcolm tells him he has his back.  

Immunity Challenge

It's the blind obstacle challenge with people yelling directions thing for the 500th time.  There's a rope, and a bucket of water, and balls, and then a ball maze but not done with blindfolds.  Apparently you can only get one ball in so after one, someone else has to play.  Sorry for those who again wanted to skate by on Malcolm.  ONLY ONE TRIBE WILL WIN IMMUNITY.  Whaaaaaaat????

Green wins immunity meaning blue and orange will got to tribal.....but it's gonna be a GROUP tribal and only 1 person will go home.  Remember, the new Orange is composed of mainly orange with JT, but the new blue is composed of mostly blue with Hali.  The orange tribe has one more person than the new blue.  

JT tells the orange gang that he's solid with them.  Sandra says she'll kick ASS if they screw this up.  Sandra wants Sierra gone.  Malcolm asks JT who blue will target and he says Sandra.  And indeed the blue tribe is thinking Sandra, although they know Hali is a wild card.  Brad tries to work on her with the 5 strong message.  Hali knows that the tables have turned and she is now a swing vote.  

JT wants them to also go along and finally blindside Sandra. There is actually some interest in this.  

Tai decides to go find an  idol.  And, like magic on this season where clues to idols just always pop up when you need one, he finds a clue and then finds an idol.  He tells Debbie, Sierra and Tai that he has an idol.  

And then begins the most insane tribal ever.  

Macolm says something about running scenarios

Brad is all guns guns guns.  LOL, are all of your GUNS pointed in the right direction??? Says it's 6 vs 5 but there are different agendas going on, something about a mexican standoff....

Sandra says all of their guns won't switch.  

Debbie says something about JT being closer to them once

Sandra says USED TO BE

Jt says some people want him to take a shot in the dark

Brad says both Malcolm and Sandra are threats to JT

Sandra tells him he is a threat and she knows she isn't going home (trying to bluff about an idol??)

Varner says, idols?  Could be idols??

Sierra says something about BIG PICTURE

Debbie says maybe Hali or JT will flip

Brad, still trying badly to woo Hali says "if she flips she's gonna be public enemy #1

Hali says they might be in rock drawing situation

Sandra tells her they don't need her

Michaela reiterates that she's the bottom of the pack

Hali is all, 'I'm still voting based upon physical threats"

Sandra and Michaela decide this means she wants Brad out

It begins to devolve into total chaos,  Did everyone just switch who they want out?  Are there clues being said??  Someone yells STICK WITH THE PLAN!  It's crazy.  Little groups are talking, JT walks over to Brad and tells him something.

Sierra asks Hali if they are going for her and Hali says hang on I'm trying to change it.  

Jeff is alternatively loving the drama but probably sad that he isn't getting to ask his probing questions.  

Sandra says, it;s all side notes.  We're all good.  Let's vote.

Hali says she's not ready yet.  Sandra says, nope, let's vote we're all good.  Hali "ok but you might regret it....."

Time to vote.  Any idols?  Tai gets up and gives his idol to Sierra.  

Sierra gets 6 votes that do not count.  MALCOLM!!! gets 3 votes and is completely blindsided!!  As was I!!!!

Survivor: And Now There Are 3

Good Tuesday!  Welcome to the Survivor Update, week 2!  And a day early (pat on my back).  Take a look at the new Mana tribe, Tony was voted out at the last Tribal, which leaves Sandra as da Queen.  

It's time for an early oh so upsetting to alliances DROP YOUR BUFFS event.  And the 2 tribes shall become 3 with the new tribe starting out "from scratch with nothing".  Um, it's what, day 4?This goes to show how much freaking STUFF today's Survivor kids are given.  So, here's the new line up:

On the old Orange tribe:  JT, angry Michaela, da Queen Sandra, Varner, Malcolm and tryin-to-hard Aubry.  JT is basically the odd man out as the only one remaining orange.  

On Blue:  We have Caleb, Tai, Brad and Haley, secret agent Debbie and the blonde Sierra.  Caleb and Haley are out of numbers.

The new tribe, Green (yea I know they all have real tribe names but I'll bet none of you know them either): Troyzan, Ciri, Zeke, Sarah, Ozzy and Andrea.  Troy is the odd man out, and Ozzy and Ciri are once again tethered at the neck.  

They return to their new beaches and Malcolm is blown away by the luxury at the Orange tribe's digs.  They have chickens, tools and have even hung Pier 1 Import shit from the trees to decorate. Yes, Malcolm, you youngins are totally spoiled.  Ask
Australia season Jeff Varner about it.  Malcolm says it's like being at a SPA.  

JT realizes he's pretty screwed and it's time to scramble.  He takes everyone out on their ChrisCraft boat to go fishing with all their gear, making sure they are waaaaay out.  He then engineers a reason to go back to camp to get a wrench, leaving the former blue tribe adrift without any way to like, oh I don't know, FREAKING PADDLE BACK TO CAMP.  JT runs around looking for an idol long enough that even Varner knows he's out looking for an idol.  They decide he's dangerous, but agree they have the numbers.  Then they open another bottle of veuve cliquot rose, NOT CHILLED PROPERLY, because "roughing it".  

On the new Orange, Hali and Caleb are on the bottom.  Brad and Tai apparently have a relationship so Brad talks to Tai about who to get rid of.  They discuss Caleb and Debbie.
NOTE:  Can anyone tell me what BIG MOVE Tai ever was a part of?  Because he always seems to be the most clueless scrambler to me.  

Anyway, Tai wants Caleb to stay.  Shit, Tai wants everyone to stay and he wants them all to form a new family and live out their days as best friends with chickens (BFWC).  

On the Green tribe, Troy is the odd man out.  Ciri and Ozzy talk and agree they are safe now.  Ciri is really trying to calm the inner bitch and cultivate a healthy relationship with Ozzy.  

Troy is standing near a silent Andrea and asks her, do I have the plague?  She's all "oh hey, didn't see or smell you standing there".  He thinks she's a little devil but not nearly as clever as she thinks.  And normally I'd be upset about that kind of sexist talk but, hell, he's right.  

Troy decides to go idol looking, while the rest of the tribe discusses how he wouldn't have the balls to look too long for an idol, what him being odd man out and they having constant surveillance.  He finds a message in a bottle on the beach, and it's fortunately not a Nicholas Sparks novel.  It's a clue for an idol hidden at the challenge which he has to be BOLD to grab.

Da Queen wants to eat a goat.  There are a few of them "wandering" around this camp, and by wandering around I mean being periodically released by the producers for goat shots.  JT, trying to save his ass, says he can catch a goat.  He doesn't want to eat goat but whatever keeps da queen happy.  He catches a little baby goat, and then they catch the momma goat.  Sandra all but chomps into the baby goat still alive.  Nobody wants to kill the baby and momma goat, except Sandra who would kill any of the other survivors if she thought it would get her another 12 hours closer to another freaking million dollars.  Anyone else curious what tacky shit she blew the first 2 on???  Probably a trailer version of Mar-A-Logo.  

JT says, I can't eat the baby/momma goats.  Shall we try for a male?  Malcolm says this is how Sandra is in real life.  She doesn't give a damn about anyone else.  Michaela suggests they could just eat chicken, the other white meat, instead.  PETA crisis averted as Sandra releases her death grip on the baby goat she named Filet and they decide not to eat goat.  

Challenge.  Oh lord, how many freaking parts is this one gonna have before we get to the puzzle???  3 people are tied together and have to do some obstacles, then an over/under thing, then until and carry buckets over these giant net teeter-totter things to fill up another bucket and open a gate and then somehow dig? (I was getting lost already) and get puzzle pieces and another couple of people will do big board puzzles of, you guessed it, the logo.

Wanna know?  MORE LUXURY ITEMS!!!  Playing for a tarp and a choice of body comfort or tastebud comfort.  Second team gets the other luxury item.  

Blue wins first place and then Green gets second,  In the celebration Troy gets himself on the other side of the board and grabs the idol.  

Orange has to send somebody home.  Debbie declares they are rock solid and will be sending either Caleb or Hali home.  Debbie and Sierra discuss how Tai and Caleb are dangerous together.  Debbie still thinks they are strong but Sierra tells her she'd be a fool to discount that relationship.  

Brad wants Tai to decide on Caleb, so he talks to him about how merging with Tai and Caleb together is dangerous for Tai because people will assume you are together.  Tai says it makes sense but.....

Tribal-Jeff gets to do his fire is your life shit 3 times, which is probably the reason for the split.
Debbie says something about everyone assuming Tai and Caleb have a link, and Caleb rebuts that this time he's from a different tribe.

Sierra says it's a huge concern for her, that history (even though he left on day 9 last season).  She says she and Hali had no relationship,  

Hali says Caleb has more angles to work the group then she does.  It's pointed out that Hali is a law student, who happens to get lots of free time to play survivor, and this is one of her closing arguments.

Caleb says the choice is stronger and better for challenges him or manipulated easy vote Hali
Hali says, see?  That kind of statement is why he is a threat.  

Brad says, something. LOL

Tai says something in another language about looking at loyalty, trust and the long picture.
Caleb again says he's an asset and she has relationships on the other tribe.  

Hali ends her rebuttal with "and I like long walks on the beach, sunsets and am open to new relationships".  
Survivor
Time to vote.......and it's Caleb.

Survivor Game Changers: Week 1

So, it's a GAME CHANGER season.  Everyone picked is apparently capable of BIG MOVES.  Able to do "anything, anytime to anyone".  

We start out on the boat thing, with time to grab whatever you need.  Something out in the water with tools and Ozzy is the only one to swim for and get it.  There's chickens, and there's a secret advantage.  And they're off in 2 tribes to their camps.  

The orange Mana tribe is:

Aubry Bracco from SURVIVOR: KAOH RONG
Caleb Reynolds from SURVIVOR: KAOH RONG
Ciera Easton from SURVIVOR: BLOOD VS. WATER
Hali Ford from SURVIVOR: WORLDS APART
Jeff Varner from SURVIVOR: AUSTRALIA
Malcolm Freberg from SURVIVOR: PHILIPPINES
Michaela Bradshaw from SURVIVOR: MILLENNIALS VS. GEN-X
Sandra Diaz-Twine from SURVIVOR: PEARL ISLANDS
Tony Viachos from SURVIVOR: CAGAYAN
Troyzan Robertson from SURVIVOR: ONE WORLD

The blue Nuku tribe:

Andrea Boehike from SURVIVOR: REDEMPTION ISLAND
Brad Culpepper from SURVIVOR: BLOOD VS. WATER
Ciere Fields from SURVIVOR: EXILE ISLAND
Debbie Wanner from SURVIVOR: KAOH RONG
JT Thomas from SURVIVOR: TOCANTINS
Ozzy Lusth from SURVIVOR: COOK ISLANDS
Sarah Lacina from SURVIVOR: CAGAYAN
Sierra Dawn Thomas from SURVIVOR: WORLDS APART
Tai Trang from SURVIVOR: KAOH RONG
Zeke Smith from SURVIVOR: MILLENNIALS VS. GEN-X

On the orange tribe Tony starts right up being crazy.  He immediately runs off yelling "I'M LOOKING FOR THE IDOL".  He tries to play this off as a joke but it didn't go down well.  Caleb and Ciri eventually follow him and tell him they were sent to watch his crazy ass.  Caleb says he now has a target on his hairy back.  

On blue Zeke is all star struck and thinks he has the bestest tribe mates.  He wants to get dirty and change the game already.  Oh and there are goats over on the Nuku beach which some want to catch and eat.  Even the previews seem to suggest that there's gonna be goat murder and no doubt a PETA complaint filed. 

Sierra has the secret advantage which is another legacy thingy that she can will away if she gets voted off, or she an use only when there are either 13 or 6 people left.  Sierra talks to Ozzy about how Ciri is scary and Ozzy agrees she's a potential problem.  Ciri talks to Ozzy about there being a clean slate this season as apparently they have a bad history.  Ozzy goes along with her but says that Ciri is week.  Tai wants everyone to be one happy family again and doesn't want Ciri to go.  He approaches Ciri to tell her she needs to work things out with Ozzy, after she thought she had, and "the war is gonna start".  

Oh and there are a lot of pictures of SHARKS this season.

Tony announces he's getting water and then goes idol looking.  He's also decided this season he's building a spy bunker instead of a spy shack and proceeds to dig a hole in the ground.  Which is ridiculous because how are you going to sneak up and then bury yourself in the ground without being seen.  Troy comes up on him and catches him, calls him an idol weasel.  He then tells Malcolm and everyone knows he was digging around.  

Cierra wants to teach him a lesson, says he should go OR his right hand man should go.  Malcolm tells people that Cierra is already throwing out names.  

Immunity Challenge:  Race to a raft, paddle to a platform, get keys, then there are obstacles, them of course 2 bags of puzzles, then there is a chest where the key gets you another bag of puzzles and then, THERE IS A PUZZLE like a ship wheel.  For some reason this season appears to have a New England shipwreck theme.  Oh, there's also a twist this season where a tie leads to....I dunno some vote or no vote situation and then rocks.  I think the people who were tied end up immune from rocks or something.  

Blue wins immunity.

Varner wants the vote to be about keeping the team strong.  Troy et al want to get rid of game changers (um, that would be all of you if you read your contract), they want Cierra who was stirring shit already.  Cierra walks up during this discussion and they tell her it's MIchaela, because why not the overly sensitive black girl?  They tell Michaela that it's Cierra and she's all cool, until she asks "who does Cierra thing it it?"  When she hears her name she's all mad as hell.  Aubry and Troy discuss her being a hot head and scary.  Sandra things perhaps Michaela should go.  

Tribal, and there is a New England lighthouse.  I'm so confused.

Tony says they shut his fooling down

Malcolm says 10 seconds in he was a crazy fool

Aubry says his impression from his season was correct.

Caleb admits he is a total unknown, being medevac'd out early on his season.

Michaela says she hopes she made a good impression but someone has to go

Sandra says she's an underdog because no one would give her another million dollars

Haley says that the discussions are 1) challenge weakness or 2) ruffled feathers

Cierra asks if she's the one they are eluding to with loose lips

Michaele says she'll be surprised if she gets away without a vote.

They vote and Cierra is out.  And I finally realize that Cierra looks exactly like Casey Anthony, the maybe murderer.  

And another episode follows.  On Orange Tony is bored already.  Or his bipolar meds are wearing off.  He tells Aubry they are both threats and should work together.  Says they need a strong 5 and wants Malcolm, Caleb and Sandra with them.  

Tony talks to Sandra and they agree neither of them can win unless there are 3 prior winners left at the end.  She agrees.

On blue, Tai is obsessing over the fucking chickens already.  Debbie plays mom and says, let's not get attached to the dinner.  JT is annoyed already with the chickens.  

Orange: Tony can't sleep when he's in his manic phase so he goes off to work on the spy bunker.  Sandra and Troy are also awake and decide to walk off to talk.  Tony listens in and then approaches them, saying what's up?  They lie to them about what they were doing.  He's an ass and says he has no trust.  Sandra says that Tony was acting like a cop hassling her.  CRAZY.  

Blue tribe is all who can work with who?  Ozzy and JT talk, Cirie gets all threatened, can;t figure out who she can lay with.  Sarah agrees to work with her but not really, she wants to "play like a criminal"  instead of a cop.  Cirie talks to Zeke who says OK but wants to keep his options open, things she's dangerous.  She talks to nutty Debbie who tells her she's talking too much.  Debbie is, as we know, and expert at counter intelligence from some volunteer military thing that makes no sense to me.  Civil air patrol, which may be a real thing  but sounds like those block captain during WWII that just went around checking if people's black out curtains were black out.  Anyway her bullshit detector is going off over Cirie.  

Orange:  Sandra asks Haly is Tony approached her. She says no.  Sandra says they are gonna turn the tables.  Sandra, as Varner puts it, talked to everyone and put an alliance together in 5 minutes.  Game on!

Tony and Aubry decide they are no longer with Sandra and need another for their 5.  Time for some ruthlessness.  He approaches Malcolm about getting rid of Sandra.  Malcolm isn't a huge Tony fan but thinks they need the strength a little longer.  Caleb thinks Sandra is bad but he can't trust Tony either.  Caleb thinks it would be crazy to let Sandra take out Tony and get stronger.  

Immunity Challenge:  Jesus, it's like freaking 20 stages.  6 people, in the ocean, balance bean, a cage with a giant sand filled snake to be retrieved and carried back over the balance beam, and there are tiles on the snake with numbers that are used in a combo lock, which get you rings for a ring toss that spells who knows what with oars.  Wanna now what else you are playing for?  Fishing gear.  Cirie sits out.

Varner is useless.  Orange is awful at the challenge, blue gets a humongous lead that Malcolm kills with his mad ring tossing skills.  He pulls it soooo close but then gets tired and his aim is a little off.  Michaela wants to tag in and he says no.  And then they lose to the blue tribe.  

Michaela is, as usual, mad.  She's frustrated that she had to stand by.  

Sandra says Tony has to go.  Varner says he never stops and they wonder if he has an idol. Split vote?  

Tony wants to make a BIG MOVE.  Tells Caleb Sandra is dangerous.  They decide they need another vote and wonder if Michaela can be flipped.  He tries to work on Varner and Michaela that they need to keep strong people and Sandra isn't strong.  Micheala hates losing.  Varner enjoys having 2 prior winners going at it.  

Shipwreck Tribal

Malcolm says strong players are safer

Michaela announces she's STRONG!  She agrees it doesn't make sense to get rid of strong people.

Sandra says she's worried because their strength isn't working.  

Tony says he's 50% less paranoid tonight, wonders if he has to wake up at 4 am again to see people running off.  

Sandra says Tony is paranoid.

Tony says he's working against his reputation but that he's not playing a liar or scamming anyone this season.  

Varner says he believes him. All the guys fall in line with that.

Varner says that they are a round hole and they have to get out the square peg. 

Ok, literally my dog ate the last page of my notes.  LOL!!!  But bottom line is, Tony is voted off.  

Survivor: Down to the finale!!

And we are down to 8 to start this recap.  Will did flip his vote, not that it mattered last week but he is now a man.  LOL.  That's the problem with these kids today having sex at 14, they then have to do stupid shit like this to become a man.  Bret isn't impressed.  Says it was like "make a big move" was on his checklist.  High school move.  Has Bret actually moved out of a seated position this season?  Talk about someone going along with the flow!  He better not win.

Bret and Sunday talk to Adam and decide Dave, Jay and Will are the biggest threats and have to be the next 3 to go.  

BANG.   Immunity Challenge.  Holy shit, was there a reward challenge that was too boring to even include??  This is kind of interesting.  Carry 10 disks on 2 ends of a horizontal pole through an obstacle course with a balance beam, then feed them into this kind of miniature golf course thing where the disks have to be rolled into the slot and out the back.  I do think there should have been a giant paper mache pirate standing over the slot thing but, whatever.  Will can't get his manly ass through the course, so Jay, who probably also spends half of his life in an arcade (do they still have arcades??), wins immunity.  Jay is actually growing on me so I would be OK if he wins the million.  

Jay wants Ken to go home because Ken can win challenges.  And totally will get all of the good months on the 2017 Survivor Calendars.  

Manly Will is CALLING THE SHOTS!!!  LOL, he can't even legally DO SHOTS.  He's all for David going home.  David is still pushing the "polishing his college application/resume" line and wants Will to go.  Adam agrees that Will is a big threat I guess to win the game, now that his voice has changed and his plea to the jury will sound more manly.  Adam doesn't want Will in control of his fate.  He tells Bret that he's voting for Will.  Adam also tells Hannah who is actually more in control of the game than any of these boys realize.  She tries to argue that it's not the best move given he just joined him and they could use him a bit longer.  

Bret and Sunday are apparently in a weak position.  That's what my notes say anyway.  I guess the fake question of the night will be, to blindside Will or Dave.  Although, c'mon, will anyone be actually blindsided at this point in this season of whiplash?  Adam says.....TIME FOR MY MOVES.......

Tribal.  C'mon who else SCREAMED LAUGHING AT ZEKE'S HAIR???

Will says his big move caused a stir at camp.  Jay thought it sucked.  

Happy David says he has "deep concerns it's me"

Hannah says that everyone left has worked with and against you so the question is who to take to the final.

Adam points out the history of this season is that good moves tend to get you kicked out.

Or as Jeff has to rephrase, "you need a resume but moves are dangerous".  Thank you Captain Obvious.  

Jay ends tribal by saying "everyone's a player".  It will either be an easy vote or another BIG MOVE.  

In the end, it's between David and Will and the MAN is voted off.  (Will).

BUT WAIT, AGAIN THERE'S MORE!!!

Jay has decided he is the black plaque and anyone who makes a move with him goes home. But Jay isn't going home.  

Jay and Adam commiserate that they have a sick love/hate relationship.  It is interesting how that has grown recently.  Jay tells Adam that David will take him out and will probably win.  David, boys and girls, has a quite the phoenix rising from the ashes story.  Adam agrees that they need an opportunity to take a stab at getting rid of David.

Bang again.  Immunity Challenge.  I know there was a reward challenge that they must have edited out.  Oh, for the good old days when by now people were freaking starving and a bite of food was important in stamina.  Now they're like, "hey Jeff, can you ask Mark Burnett if we can have something other than pizza, hamburgers or fried chicken?  How about a nice salmon.  We're worried about our cholesterol with all of the meat we've had this season.  

The challenge is another interesting one.  There's the same sets of blocks to solve the same freaking "Millennials vs Generation X" puzzle.  But this time there's like a pinball machine and if the ball falls it goes through a really slow set of ramps and they can't work on the puzzle during that time.  Jeff points out that in his psych 101 class at Game Show College that's called split focus.  Ken wins with a little help from Adam telling him when to move his balls, so to speak.  

Jay flat out states that he's voting for David and asks to stay around.  It's scramble time.  The first question is will Jay play his idol?  Adam wants Jay to play it and then for David to go home.  David talks to Ken and Hannah.  He wants Bret, but Hannah wants Sunday because she is a goat that someone might take to the end as a sure person to beat.  She is afraid at the end Adam will flip and take Sunday instead of her.  Sunday is hotter.  Kidding.  Not really...  David and Ken agree with Sunday.  

Adam tries to convince Ken and Hannah that they should vote Jay since they believe Jay, Sunday and Bret will vote for David.  He doesn't want them to go with Sunday because he wants either Jay or David gone.  Ken wants David to stay.  

Adam talks with Jay and tells him he needs to play the idol.  Why should I believe you?  They talk about how much winning would mean to each other and Adam tells him about his mom with the stage 4 cancer.  Jay gets emotional and says he understands because his mom also has an illness and he worries all the time about losing her.  Jay decides Adam isn't a weasel and is in fact a good dude.  

Hannah tells Adam she is going with Sunday.  She believes if they save David he will be more loyal.  Adam thinks this is a giant threat.  

Tribal

David tells sappy Jeff that yes, friendships and alliances still matter.  Jay agrees that alliances have currency.  But that they guy with the friends is a bigger threat.  David argues that the guy without friends can play free agent.  

Jeff asks David if he is a threat and he says yes.  Adam points out that David is in the vote majority and that his transformation from a pile of neurosis to just a regular dirty gay is something juries love.  Hannah agrees that at this point in the game it is about who it your biggest threat.  

Sunday says that she is not a physical threat and hopefully someone people will want to take to the end.  

Adam says that everyone is playing their own game and it's all about jury perception.  

Time to vote.  Any idol???????  Jay says, AAAALLLLLLRRRRIIIIIIIIIGHT  and hands it over.

Vote:  Jay 1, David 2 and Sunday gets 4 and is voted out.

And now we are 6:  3 Ms and 3 Xers.  Good luck to you lucky bastard that still have a chance!!!