Whoa, tempers are flaring this week, which I like to call The Bitch Slap Episode.
Teams are in Bangkok, and the Mini Men face a 4 hour delay due to un sportsmanlike conduct and a speedbump. God I hope this isn't another lame ass speedbump.
Deafmom leave at 9:36 am and have to fly to Guilin, China via Xiandnfkdhigh, or something like that. Once in China they have to take a taxi to a hair salon. LOL how friggin funny would it be if the salon had rows of American girls doing nails?
Deafmom get the first flight at 11:20 am, but their connecting flight isn't until 8:30 pm. The Wicked Smart Asians, and, for this episode I am going to call them the Wickedly Annoying Asians, read that they are going to China and immediately refuse to speak any English. They're all yingyangchingchanging it all over the place. Seriously, They were translating what they were saying, but I doubt it was really "oh, my, how nice we are going to China". Methinks it was more like "ha, now we have those round eyes where we want them."
The Wickedly Annoying Asians and the NFLs are on the second flight to Xknfdnfandklnfl, with the same 8:30 connection. Hey, am I just noticing that the NFLs have the same BAAAD haircolor?? Like, WTF? Did they get a case of it cheap or something?
The Sistas have a 9:10 pm connection to Guilin. Mini men are just leaving at 4pm due to their delay. The first connection is delayed, so the Sistas actually get to China first. The Asians are all cocky about speaking Chinese. Seriously, I was getting a friggin headache from it. Yingyangchingchang, dongwongyinggang.
NFLs get to the hair salon first, but unfortunately don't take the time for a little color therapy. "Go to the #24 Bridge for you next clue". On the wall is also the speedbump sign.
The Asians get the clue and are off yammering away. About now the Mini men arrive in China.
And, now, the drama goes off the charts... The Sistas and Deafmom arrive at the Salon at the same time, and both stand like, right in front of the clue box saying, "where is that damn clue box". Although the Deaf kid just moans this. Both the deaf kid and one of the Sistas (I think the mean one Kisha) spot it and dive for it. Deaf shoves her out of the way and she calls him a bitch. LOL, he's lucky he didn't get cut.
In the cabs, both teams are bitching about it. Mom signs "bitch" and it's ON. OK, time for a little bashing. I'm sure it's frustrating being deaf but this kid is getting on my damn nerves. Look, you can't talk so just stop trying and sign. He is like a bomb of anger waiting to go off.
At the #24 bridge it's a Roadblock. One member has to go out in a little boat and train a Cormorant to catch 10 fish. The Asians think they have this in the bag cause she can talk to the teacher in Chinese and SHE CAN ALSO TALK TO THE BIRDS. Yeeeeaaaa. Good luck with that.
Back to the Bitches, again both the Sistas and Deafmom arrive at the bridge clue box at the same time. Deaf is soooo mad his fingers are flying off. Kisha gets to the box first and he rams her from behind, knocking her into the clue box. Mommy arrives and starts yelling at Kisha for pushing him. It's just ugly.
Jamie, Jenn, Girl-Asian and Deaf are all doing the Roadblock. Girl-Asian is yammering away in Chinese. Seriously, how those Chinese people don't go friggin INSANE listening to each other I have no idea.
The Mini's finally get to the Salon. Ooooh, Speedbump!! Wait, what?? WTF?? All they have to do is wash 2 old ladies hair? LAME. Seriously. I am steamed. They do the speedbump in like, 2 minutes, one of them telling the lady he is going to give her a 'MASSAG-EEE". Yea, that's really funny.
Jamie and Jenn finish the fish roadblock. Deaf is flailing around making noises and scaring the fish. This dude needs to chill and enjoy life a little. He gets bit on the hand by a bird, who probably didn't like what he was saying to it. In case you missed the bite, Deaf reenacts it like, 15 times over and friggin over again. Mommy translates each time. Jesus. I think next week I am watching this show with the volume down.
After the Roadblock teams have to go to the Ancient South Gate. The Girl Asian is still talking Chinese smack to the bird and it flies off. It finally comes back and she finishes.
Detour: Dancing or Calligraphy. Teams either have to learn to do Chinese Ballroom Dancing or copy Calligraphy from 4 different people and read Chinese to find the next Calligrapher. Yingyangdongwang-"haha, we didn't pay attention in Chinese school!" Uhuh.
The NFLs decide to do the dancing, They have to learn a dance routine. Their teacher is another couple and, man, are they rough manhandlers. The NFL's keep doing the dance and getting a "no" from the judge, and with a laugh. One of them gets really steamed and starts yelling. They decide to quit. While they are walking away, they wonder if they were supposed to keep doing the dance the whole time the music played. Decide to go back and give it another try and they get it right.
Everyone else does the Calligraphy. They basically follow the Wickedly Annoying Asians around doing what they do. The Asians won't shut the frig up. Telling one of the calligraphers "our parents will cry if we don't win". Jeez. By this point my head is throbbing. ChowchungHuangHong, wingwangdingdong.
Teams now need to travel to the Banyan Lake Pit stop. The Asians, Sistas and Deafmom all arrive at the same time. It's a foot race. Phil is standing there with a couple EATING CHINESE FOOD. They mumble "welcome to china" through their Kung Po chicken. The Asians say, "yingyang, what he say??"
Sistas are first-they win a trip to Barbados. Asians are second and Deafmom is third. And, just like that the fight begins again. Phil says, "seems like the competition is getting tough". Mommy tells Phil her distorted story about her poor deaf son getting roughed up by these big scary black women. The Sistas smile/laugh. Mommy goes all crazy on them, yelling and shrieking how unfair it is for them to laugh at a deaf person, especially cause they are black. What that has to do with anything, I have no idea! "You're black, you should know better".
To his credit Phil tries to talk her down off the ledge but Deaf goes all hand waving nuts. Seriously it's a total Deaf rant. The Wickedly Annoying Asians are just standing there going, "how the f&*k did we end up second??"
NFL's arrive as team #4.
The Mini's do the dancing detour. All romantic music and slow motion footage. Yep, bye bye you rule breakers. The are eliiiiiminated.
1. Kisha & Jen: Matt and Kevin
2. Tammy & Victor : John
3. Margie & Luke: Maureen and Amy
4. Jaime & Cara: Terri
Off
11. Preston & Jennifer: Becky and Mary
10. Steve & Linda: Jeff and Eileen
9. Brad & Victoria: Donna
8. Amanda & Kris: Elayne
7. Christie & Jodi: Ginnie
6. Mel & Mike: Joanne
5. Mark & Michael: Karen
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Spring 09 Race: Weeks 7 and 8
Whoah. Been a while!! Anyone miss me last week? Good thing my poolster contract allows me to miss one update before it effects my grade.
Week 7 in a nutshell: Fly to Phuket, Thailand, find a giant gorilla statue in the zoo. Gays go to the beach. Have your picture taken with a tiger, get walked on by an elephant. Find a clue in an herb shop. Do not stop and smoke herb. Chose between filling barrels or riding in a rickshaw. DO NOT SABOTAGE THE EQUIPMENT. Mini's hide the pumps for the rickshaws. Bad. Gays are still at the beach. Mini-men arrive first but get bitch-slapped by Phil, get 2 30-minute penalties. Wicked Smart Asians come in first-get a trip to Oahu from Travelocity (ding). NFL's arrive second, then mini's are checked in by Phil who is still looking for an ass kicking. Deaf-N-Mom have trouble. It's really hot in Thailand. Mom faints at the pit. They are team #4. Phil is into hot mammas cause he gets her an ambulance and a bottle of water. Sistas spend a lot of the episode-surprise-lost. They are team #5. Gays decide to take their shirts off and pick up Thai men on the beach instead of playing this stupid race game. Both score. Phil finds them later that night at a public bath, tells them they are eliminated. Gets in the Bath with them and their dates, Raul and Jeffrey. Mom joins them. Ok.
Are y'all happy now? Can we go on to week 8??
So, we're at some temple in Phuket, Thailand. Teams have to fly to Bangkok, which always sounds dirty to me. One of the NFL chicks is totally PMSing. She doesn't believe the pink taxi is a taxi. Calls the police over. Yells at the driver to shut up and stop talking to the police. THEN THEY GET IN THE CAB AND LET HIM DRIVE AWAY WITH THEM. Seriously, I expected to segue right into an episode of CSI:Bangkok.
First flight on Thai air is at 7:25am. All end up on the same flight. They have to take a taxi to the boatyard (apparently there is only one). Sistas driver gets wrong directions. Big friggin shock there.
Roadblock: Who wants to propel their team forward? One person has to screw on a propeller. Once that is approved by a really CRACK overseer who, basically, looks at it and shakes his head, teams have to navigate through the canals of Bangkok with the driver using the cocktail stirrer with the propeller. AND HERE TEAMS MAKE STUPID DECISIONS.
For some reason, the Sistas and the Mini's leave their bags in the taxi thinking they are coming back. Sistas even leave their shoes and friggin fanny packs. Stupid. The canal takes them quite a ways away.
Detour. Teams have to chose between broken teeth or broken record. In broken teeth, they make their way to the "street of happy smiles", which isn't what I was thinking it was going to be, and then have to match dentures to 5 people, fishing then out of a bowl and inserting them until they find the right match. Disgusting. Teams get to wear gloves and glasses to protect them from the massive amounts of parasites and HIV particles in the mouths. Mom and Deaf chose this route.
In broken record, teams have to take a party cab with a couple of really ugly "party girls" ("how much for bang bang??") and sing Thai karaoke. Seriously, this just has hell written all over it.
Mini men are freaked out about their stuff. The better looking one wants to forget their stuff and go on. The other one wants his personal stuff. He was so adamant that I am sure he had Preparation H in his bag. They try for a water taxi but that's too far. They find a taxi from the same company, and arrange for their driver to bring them their stuff. Tweedle dee wants to go do the detour and have the cab meet them in Chinatown, but Tweedle dum wants his Prep H first. Big fight ensues. They decide to take the cab back to the other cab and get their stuff. That costs 400 rupees or whatever they use in Thailand.
The sistas decide to go ahead and do the detour and then worry about their stuff. Well, one decides that, the other is freaked out the whole way. One sista is running around Thailand barefoot. Ugh. That is nasty. Seriously, I've taken parasitology and the route of infection is like, 75% through the feet.
NFL and wicked smart Asians do the party taxi. Some of these party girls need to go over to the street of smiles. Lots of teeth missing.
Back at the dentures, Deaf dude is groaning and grunting and putting bottom plates in the top of people's mouths while his mom kicks ass and slams 4 dentures in. Seriously if they don't win the million, and Phil goes back with his wife, she has a standing offer to work in the dental mines. They finish and make their way to the pit stop -Phiya Thai Palace (I wonder if they have that coconut soup with the chicken?) where they are met by loverboy and a dude with a parrot. The parrot says hello. Phil says, "hey momma how's it hanging? You and the silent kid are team #1. You have won a trip to San Juan. We can leave the kid in an airport locker-who's he going to tell??"
The sistas are in the parteey cab. One of them is convinced the party girls are transvestites. The sistas finish and can't find their taxi. Have to get someone to take them for nothing. Fortunately, the people of Thailand are either 1) very generous or 2) scared to DEATH of two big black chicks.
NFLs are team #2. The Asians and the Sistas are in a footrace for the mat. Sistas are first followed by Asians. Sistas are team #3 BUT Phil can't check them in cause they don't have their travel documents. The Wicked Smart Asians look at them with disdain cause they ALWAYS follow the rules.
The mini men get back to the boatyard. See that there is another cab waiting. They get their stuff and take a cab back to Chinatown to do the detour. They don't have enough money and give the driver a flashlight and compass. Apparently it's bad luck in Thailand to not barter with dwarfs. MIni-men do the party taxi. They then take a cab to the pit, paying this driver with a watch. They are team #4 BUT Phil is really really mad now. Like, really. They incur 2 2-hour penalties for breaking the rule against using personal possessions. Funny, you can't trade a watch but you can sleep with the host to come in team #1.
The Sistas go back and get their bags, find their travel documents and money and make their way back to the pit. Phil checks them in as the real team #4. He then calls the mini-men over to tell them that it's not an elimination leg BUT the 4 hour penalty is added onto their departure time, and they will have a speedbump. And, if they break another rule, he will seriously f them up.
1. Margie & Luke: Maureen and Amy
2. Jaime & Cara: Terri
3. Tammy & Victor : John
4. Kisha & Jen: Matt and Kevin
5. Mark & Michael: Karen
Off
11. Preston & Jennifer: Becky and Mary
10. Steve & Linda: Jeff and Eileen
9. Brad & Victoria: Donna
8. Amanda & Kris: Elayne
7. Christie & Jodi: Ginnie
6. Mel & Mike: Joanne
Week 7 in a nutshell: Fly to Phuket, Thailand, find a giant gorilla statue in the zoo. Gays go to the beach. Have your picture taken with a tiger, get walked on by an elephant. Find a clue in an herb shop. Do not stop and smoke herb. Chose between filling barrels or riding in a rickshaw. DO NOT SABOTAGE THE EQUIPMENT. Mini's hide the pumps for the rickshaws. Bad. Gays are still at the beach. Mini-men arrive first but get bitch-slapped by Phil, get 2 30-minute penalties. Wicked Smart Asians come in first-get a trip to Oahu from Travelocity (ding). NFL's arrive second, then mini's are checked in by Phil who is still looking for an ass kicking. Deaf-N-Mom have trouble. It's really hot in Thailand. Mom faints at the pit. They are team #4. Phil is into hot mammas cause he gets her an ambulance and a bottle of water. Sistas spend a lot of the episode-surprise-lost. They are team #5. Gays decide to take their shirts off and pick up Thai men on the beach instead of playing this stupid race game. Both score. Phil finds them later that night at a public bath, tells them they are eliminated. Gets in the Bath with them and their dates, Raul and Jeffrey. Mom joins them. Ok.
Are y'all happy now? Can we go on to week 8??
So, we're at some temple in Phuket, Thailand. Teams have to fly to Bangkok, which always sounds dirty to me. One of the NFL chicks is totally PMSing. She doesn't believe the pink taxi is a taxi. Calls the police over. Yells at the driver to shut up and stop talking to the police. THEN THEY GET IN THE CAB AND LET HIM DRIVE AWAY WITH THEM. Seriously, I expected to segue right into an episode of CSI:Bangkok.
First flight on Thai air is at 7:25am. All end up on the same flight. They have to take a taxi to the boatyard (apparently there is only one). Sistas driver gets wrong directions. Big friggin shock there.
Roadblock: Who wants to propel their team forward? One person has to screw on a propeller. Once that is approved by a really CRACK overseer who, basically, looks at it and shakes his head, teams have to navigate through the canals of Bangkok with the driver using the cocktail stirrer with the propeller. AND HERE TEAMS MAKE STUPID DECISIONS.
For some reason, the Sistas and the Mini's leave their bags in the taxi thinking they are coming back. Sistas even leave their shoes and friggin fanny packs. Stupid. The canal takes them quite a ways away.
Detour. Teams have to chose between broken teeth or broken record. In broken teeth, they make their way to the "street of happy smiles", which isn't what I was thinking it was going to be, and then have to match dentures to 5 people, fishing then out of a bowl and inserting them until they find the right match. Disgusting. Teams get to wear gloves and glasses to protect them from the massive amounts of parasites and HIV particles in the mouths. Mom and Deaf chose this route.
In broken record, teams have to take a party cab with a couple of really ugly "party girls" ("how much for bang bang??") and sing Thai karaoke. Seriously, this just has hell written all over it.
Mini men are freaked out about their stuff. The better looking one wants to forget their stuff and go on. The other one wants his personal stuff. He was so adamant that I am sure he had Preparation H in his bag. They try for a water taxi but that's too far. They find a taxi from the same company, and arrange for their driver to bring them their stuff. Tweedle dee wants to go do the detour and have the cab meet them in Chinatown, but Tweedle dum wants his Prep H first. Big fight ensues. They decide to take the cab back to the other cab and get their stuff. That costs 400 rupees or whatever they use in Thailand.
The sistas decide to go ahead and do the detour and then worry about their stuff. Well, one decides that, the other is freaked out the whole way. One sista is running around Thailand barefoot. Ugh. That is nasty. Seriously, I've taken parasitology and the route of infection is like, 75% through the feet.
NFL and wicked smart Asians do the party taxi. Some of these party girls need to go over to the street of smiles. Lots of teeth missing.
Back at the dentures, Deaf dude is groaning and grunting and putting bottom plates in the top of people's mouths while his mom kicks ass and slams 4 dentures in. Seriously if they don't win the million, and Phil goes back with his wife, she has a standing offer to work in the dental mines. They finish and make their way to the pit stop -Phiya Thai Palace (I wonder if they have that coconut soup with the chicken?) where they are met by loverboy and a dude with a parrot. The parrot says hello. Phil says, "hey momma how's it hanging? You and the silent kid are team #1. You have won a trip to San Juan. We can leave the kid in an airport locker-who's he going to tell??"
The sistas are in the parteey cab. One of them is convinced the party girls are transvestites. The sistas finish and can't find their taxi. Have to get someone to take them for nothing. Fortunately, the people of Thailand are either 1) very generous or 2) scared to DEATH of two big black chicks.
NFLs are team #2. The Asians and the Sistas are in a footrace for the mat. Sistas are first followed by Asians. Sistas are team #3 BUT Phil can't check them in cause they don't have their travel documents. The Wicked Smart Asians look at them with disdain cause they ALWAYS follow the rules.
The mini men get back to the boatyard. See that there is another cab waiting. They get their stuff and take a cab back to Chinatown to do the detour. They don't have enough money and give the driver a flashlight and compass. Apparently it's bad luck in Thailand to not barter with dwarfs. MIni-men do the party taxi. They then take a cab to the pit, paying this driver with a watch. They are team #4 BUT Phil is really really mad now. Like, really. They incur 2 2-hour penalties for breaking the rule against using personal possessions. Funny, you can't trade a watch but you can sleep with the host to come in team #1.
The Sistas go back and get their bags, find their travel documents and money and make their way back to the pit. Phil checks them in as the real team #4. He then calls the mini-men over to tell them that it's not an elimination leg BUT the 4 hour penalty is added onto their departure time, and they will have a speedbump. And, if they break another rule, he will seriously f them up.
1. Margie & Luke: Maureen and Amy
2. Jaime & Cara: Terri
3. Tammy & Victor : John
4. Kisha & Jen: Matt and Kevin
5. Mark & Michael: Karen
Off
11. Preston & Jennifer: Becky and Mary
10. Steve & Linda: Jeff and Eileen
9. Brad & Victoria: Donna
8. Amanda & Kris: Elayne
7. Christie & Jodi: Ginnie
6. Mel & Mike: Joanne
Spring 09 Amazing Race: Week 6
Ok, I am a lazy ass. I admit it. I now have about 50 minutes to write up last week. So, hold onto your hats:
Leaving Russia. Teams have to fly to Jaipur India. I would so hate that. All teams end up on the same flight from Moscow to The Pink City, where they have to take taxi's to a sacred tree.
The Ho's will have a speedbump in this leg of the race.
Once in India, we get the message that it's hot, dirty, smells like crap and everyone is poor. And, the taxi drivers are idiots and don't know where they are going. Which is not surprising if you have taken a cab in NYC when you think that the smart Indian drivers got out of India and are in NYC and still can't drive or find your destination. Mini men are frustrated when their driver basically disappears completely. Turns out he was just consulting mapquest and now has the directions.
Ho's get pissy when their driver stops for gas: "Do they have a hurry button". Which is funny since the driver was wondering if the blondes had an easy button he could play with.
Once at the sacred tree, there are a bunch of dudes sitting around looking sacred AND BIG ASS RED PHONES NEXT TO THEM. The wicked smart Asians get there first and quickly figure out the clue is to call one of 4 numbers on the phones. Although they can't understand the clue until their driver, Babu (seriously) listens to it, they learn they have to go to Amber Fort. While the wicked smart Asians take off, the rest of the IDIOTS keep walking around the tree saying, "I wonder where the clue box is".
Amber Fort holds a Roadblock. Camel Care. One member has to move water and food USING THE PROPER VESSELS to a camel with it's daily requirement. Asian dude is first up and at first takes the water bucket to the food but figures out the large baskets are the proper vessel for the food. By the time he finishes the food, the idiots arrive. Gaydad has trouble carrying all the water but at least he has stopped yelling "my groin, my groin" every 5 seconds. He figures out the basket for the food and starts on that.
After filling the food and water, teams must travel to a puppet store. Seriously, how do you keep a store that sells puppets open for business in the midst of that poverty?? Once at the puppet store, however, there is a detour that has nothing to do with puppets which proves my point that it probably was just an opium den with a puppet store front.
Detour: Movers or Shakers. In movers teams travel...somewhere...and have to bike a bunch of huge ass barrels to...somewhere else. Once at somewhere else, they have to unload them, and unload the hay and find a little elephant. Only the mini-men do the movers.
In shakers, teams have to dress up as prostitutes in bright colors and makeup, and pimp for 100 rupees. Seriously, do not tell me that the Amazing Race crew does not hand out the money in advance. Hmmm, we're all poor as shit and we have 10 rupees. Do we 1) eat, 2) eat some more or 3) give our money to some crazy whored up Americans playing in our country for a million dollars, which is alike a friggin BAZILLION rupees.
Speedbump: the HO's have to do paint by number on an elephant's head. YAWN. This sets them back about 5 minutes.
All the other teams do the whore thing. The gays LOVE THE PRETTY COLORS!!! Reminds them of this year's gay pride parade. Wow, still 20 minutes left of my time but alas, this was a kind of dull week and teams now have to get to the pitt stop which is Jaeger Port.
Teams arrive and are met with some Indian dude playing a nose flute. What incredibly poor people won't do for a little money!
Team1 is the wicked smart Asians! They win ocean Kayaks which no doubt will sit and gather dust in their 3 car garages while they are back at their corporate lawyer jobs.It's a race to the finish as the mini men can't find the little elephant trinket in their hay. Ooooh, who will come in last? Mini's or Ho's????? Ahh, it's the Ho's who are the next team eeeliminated.
Leaving Russia. Teams have to fly to Jaipur India. I would so hate that. All teams end up on the same flight from Moscow to The Pink City, where they have to take taxi's to a sacred tree.
The Ho's will have a speedbump in this leg of the race.
Once in India, we get the message that it's hot, dirty, smells like crap and everyone is poor. And, the taxi drivers are idiots and don't know where they are going. Which is not surprising if you have taken a cab in NYC when you think that the smart Indian drivers got out of India and are in NYC and still can't drive or find your destination. Mini men are frustrated when their driver basically disappears completely. Turns out he was just consulting mapquest and now has the directions.
Ho's get pissy when their driver stops for gas: "Do they have a hurry button". Which is funny since the driver was wondering if the blondes had an easy button he could play with.
Once at the sacred tree, there are a bunch of dudes sitting around looking sacred AND BIG ASS RED PHONES NEXT TO THEM. The wicked smart Asians get there first and quickly figure out the clue is to call one of 4 numbers on the phones. Although they can't understand the clue until their driver, Babu (seriously) listens to it, they learn they have to go to Amber Fort. While the wicked smart Asians take off, the rest of the IDIOTS keep walking around the tree saying, "I wonder where the clue box is".
Amber Fort holds a Roadblock. Camel Care. One member has to move water and food USING THE PROPER VESSELS to a camel with it's daily requirement. Asian dude is first up and at first takes the water bucket to the food but figures out the large baskets are the proper vessel for the food. By the time he finishes the food, the idiots arrive. Gaydad has trouble carrying all the water but at least he has stopped yelling "my groin, my groin" every 5 seconds. He figures out the basket for the food and starts on that.
After filling the food and water, teams must travel to a puppet store. Seriously, how do you keep a store that sells puppets open for business in the midst of that poverty?? Once at the puppet store, however, there is a detour that has nothing to do with puppets which proves my point that it probably was just an opium den with a puppet store front.
Detour: Movers or Shakers. In movers teams travel...somewhere...and have to bike a bunch of huge ass barrels to...somewhere else. Once at somewhere else, they have to unload them, and unload the hay and find a little elephant. Only the mini-men do the movers.
In shakers, teams have to dress up as prostitutes in bright colors and makeup, and pimp for 100 rupees. Seriously, do not tell me that the Amazing Race crew does not hand out the money in advance. Hmmm, we're all poor as shit and we have 10 rupees. Do we 1) eat, 2) eat some more or 3) give our money to some crazy whored up Americans playing in our country for a million dollars, which is alike a friggin BAZILLION rupees.
Speedbump: the HO's have to do paint by number on an elephant's head. YAWN. This sets them back about 5 minutes.
All the other teams do the whore thing. The gays LOVE THE PRETTY COLORS!!! Reminds them of this year's gay pride parade. Wow, still 20 minutes left of my time but alas, this was a kind of dull week and teams now have to get to the pitt stop which is Jaeger Port.
Teams arrive and are met with some Indian dude playing a nose flute. What incredibly poor people won't do for a little money!
Team1 is the wicked smart Asians! They win ocean Kayaks which no doubt will sit and gather dust in their 3 car garages while they are back at their corporate lawyer jobs.It's a race to the finish as the mini men can't find the little elephant trinket in their hay. Ooooh, who will come in last? Mini's or Ho's????? Ahh, it's the Ho's who are the next team eeeliminated.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Survivor Brazil Week 8
YO, I just watched last week's episode last night. Am still laughing about what a total ASS Coach it.
It was all Coach, all the time last week. Coach thought everyone was bored sitting around the campfire, so he decided to tell some little stories of his life, just to amuse people.
If you didn't watch the show, find a teenager, but some dope and take a BIG hit while I tell ya the story.
“I want you to know that there are three people in the world that know this story,”
APPARENTLY this idiot thinks he was air lifted BY MILITARY HELICOPTERS (I have connections,,,) into the Amazon, where he was captured by six or 7 "indigenous 4 foot tall people" with arrows pointed at him. He was tied to a stake and beaten (I guess around the knees since they were all dwarf amazonians). He slipped out of the rope, slipped out the back of camp and kayak'd for 2 days to escape.
SERIOUSLY??? Are ya sure they weren't aliens? Cause, the look a lot like 4' tall amazonians. Apparently, the National Geographic wanted to go to the Amazon with him and he said, "nooo, this is all about me". Riiiiiight.
The funniest part was the other Survivors just looking at him and the sound of crickets. Man, we watched this and then went to bed and I kept waking Wil up asking him if he really said, military helicopters? Like, blackhawks?? And, was this the same trip w ith the snake or did he go back for revenge? Is it me or is this like the plot of that crappy "Captain Hook" movie-the one where Julia Roberts had that shitty short haircut after she alter-ran from FRIGGIN KIEFFER SUTHERLAND"????????
So, next morning Coach is doing his yoga-oh sorry Tai Chi, which he calls Chong Ran. I call it Douche Bag. “If you do a Google search on it, you won’t find it. It’s only passed down verbally. You have to go there to the monastery to study it,”
Time to make a bazillion alliances. JT says he has an alliance with Coach, Tyson, Stephen and I think Debbie (he was twanging pretty bad here).
Coach: I am the dragon slayer, and Brendan is the head of the dragon. Sierra is the colon. I must kill the dragon.
JT sides up to Erinn. She missed Joe. JT: "so, do y'all have an alliance out here? Hmmmmm, maybe for a little sex I can help y'all out little lady".
JT goes to his OTHER alliance and asks Taj and Stephen what they would think about an alliance with him and Erinn.
Reward Challenge: thanks god, that whole alliance shit was testing my sobriety. In yet another blatant attack on Ceramic Artists, survivors are split into teams of 3 (Coach, Taj and Tyson; Stephen, Erin and Sierra; Debbie, JT and Brendan) and take turns throwing bean bags through ceramic tiles. Seriously, I think this game was called connect 4 when I was a kid.
Wanna know what you're playing for? White water rafting and a picnic. No toilet though . You also get to send one person to exile.
Team Coach is first out. So, Coach just stands around looking bored and pissed the rest of the time. Team Stephen is out next meaning Debbie, JT and Brendan win reward. They send Stephen back to exile.
Cut to Stephen at exile. Stephen manages to build a fire which takes about 2 hours. Poor Stephen, doesn't have his brokeback mountain buddy. Apparently this time he spends 2 nights on exile.
Reward: rafting and food. While Debbie takes a walk, Brendan ask JT if anyone has approached him to be in an alliance. This guy is working the stupid hick thing like a champ. Brendan thinks his chances lie with JT.
Back at camp next morning, Brendan stayed up all night trying to figure out how to not lose. He decides he wants to bring JT into his alliance. He talks to Sierra who is a little hot for JT and wants to keep him around. Brendan lays out the plan. “Take out Tyson, Coach and Erinn,” He presents the idea to Taj who just wants to keep Jalapeno around as long as possible.
Hey, is Taj really a former pop star??
Challenge: it's some complicated rope mess. You are attached to a rope and have to navigate through a maze. There are 2 stages. It is friggin lame.
Stage 1: JT, Tyson and Brendan win. Coach, Mr I-got-out-of-the-amazon-alive comes in about last.
Stage 2: Tyson wins immunity.
Ok, Tyson kind of creeps me out. He looks like one of the lost boys from said mentioned Captain Hook movie. Coach wants to split the vote between Brendan and Sierra so if one of them plays the idol, the other goes. Which is Tyson's plan from last week...
Brendan wants Coach and talks to Sierra, JT, Taj and Stephen about it.
Tribal: Jeff has apparently been briefed by the camera crew cause he starts right off with "so, who tells the best campfire stories". LOL.
Coach has his samuri hair tonight. Jeff is in pale green. It's a good color for him.
TAJ: Coach tells the best campfire stories.
Jeff: Really?? Do tell.
Coach: I actually toned the story down to make it PG. The dwarfs really wanted to eat my ahole. LMFAO. uhuh.
Coach: I've had 6-8 life or death situations, Jeff. Been in a hurricane, attacked by a shark, and a croc, the Indian tribe capture... WOW, who knew how friggin stressful being a concert conductor could be!
Jeff: Coach, are you still confident?
Jeff: Tyson, how big is trust??
Taj: JT is a triple threat, Jeff.
Jeff: Taj-do you have the idol? Stephen? Brendan? "Yes, Jeff, I have the idol"
Time to vote.
Coach gets 2 votes (Sierra and Brendan)
Sierra gets 3 ( JT, Tyson and Erin)
Brendan gets 4 votes ( Coach, Debbie, Taj, Stephen).
Brendan is voted off. Damn, I was hoping Coach was going but, why ruin the party now??
It was all Coach, all the time last week. Coach thought everyone was bored sitting around the campfire, so he decided to tell some little stories of his life, just to amuse people.
If you didn't watch the show, find a teenager, but some dope and take a BIG hit while I tell ya the story.
“I want you to know that there are three people in the world that know this story,”
APPARENTLY this idiot thinks he was air lifted BY MILITARY HELICOPTERS (I have connections,,,) into the Amazon, where he was captured by six or 7 "indigenous 4 foot tall people" with arrows pointed at him. He was tied to a stake and beaten (I guess around the knees since they were all dwarf amazonians). He slipped out of the rope, slipped out the back of camp and kayak'd for 2 days to escape.
SERIOUSLY??? Are ya sure they weren't aliens? Cause, the look a lot like 4' tall amazonians. Apparently, the National Geographic wanted to go to the Amazon with him and he said, "nooo, this is all about me". Riiiiiight.
The funniest part was the other Survivors just looking at him and the sound of crickets. Man, we watched this and then went to bed and I kept waking Wil up asking him if he really said, military helicopters? Like, blackhawks?? And, was this the same trip w ith the snake or did he go back for revenge? Is it me or is this like the plot of that crappy "Captain Hook" movie-the one where Julia Roberts had that shitty short haircut after she alter-ran from FRIGGIN KIEFFER SUTHERLAND"????????
So, next morning Coach is doing his yoga-oh sorry Tai Chi, which he calls Chong Ran. I call it Douche Bag. “If you do a Google search on it, you won’t find it. It’s only passed down verbally. You have to go there to the monastery to study it,”
Time to make a bazillion alliances. JT says he has an alliance with Coach, Tyson, Stephen and I think Debbie (he was twanging pretty bad here).
Coach: I am the dragon slayer, and Brendan is the head of the dragon. Sierra is the colon. I must kill the dragon.
JT sides up to Erinn. She missed Joe. JT: "so, do y'all have an alliance out here? Hmmmmm, maybe for a little sex I can help y'all out little lady".
JT goes to his OTHER alliance and asks Taj and Stephen what they would think about an alliance with him and Erinn.
Reward Challenge: thanks god, that whole alliance shit was testing my sobriety. In yet another blatant attack on Ceramic Artists, survivors are split into teams of 3 (Coach, Taj and Tyson; Stephen, Erin and Sierra; Debbie, JT and Brendan) and take turns throwing bean bags through ceramic tiles. Seriously, I think this game was called connect 4 when I was a kid.
Wanna know what you're playing for? White water rafting and a picnic. No toilet though . You also get to send one person to exile.
Team Coach is first out. So, Coach just stands around looking bored and pissed the rest of the time. Team Stephen is out next meaning Debbie, JT and Brendan win reward. They send Stephen back to exile.
Cut to Stephen at exile. Stephen manages to build a fire which takes about 2 hours. Poor Stephen, doesn't have his brokeback mountain buddy. Apparently this time he spends 2 nights on exile.
Reward: rafting and food. While Debbie takes a walk, Brendan ask JT if anyone has approached him to be in an alliance. This guy is working the stupid hick thing like a champ. Brendan thinks his chances lie with JT.
Back at camp next morning, Brendan stayed up all night trying to figure out how to not lose. He decides he wants to bring JT into his alliance. He talks to Sierra who is a little hot for JT and wants to keep him around. Brendan lays out the plan. “Take out Tyson, Coach and Erinn,” He presents the idea to Taj who just wants to keep Jalapeno around as long as possible.
Hey, is Taj really a former pop star??
Challenge: it's some complicated rope mess. You are attached to a rope and have to navigate through a maze. There are 2 stages. It is friggin lame.
Stage 1: JT, Tyson and Brendan win. Coach, Mr I-got-out-of-the-amazon-alive comes in about last.
Stage 2: Tyson wins immunity.
Ok, Tyson kind of creeps me out. He looks like one of the lost boys from said mentioned Captain Hook movie. Coach wants to split the vote between Brendan and Sierra so if one of them plays the idol, the other goes. Which is Tyson's plan from last week...
Brendan wants Coach and talks to Sierra, JT, Taj and Stephen about it.
Tribal: Jeff has apparently been briefed by the camera crew cause he starts right off with "so, who tells the best campfire stories". LOL.
Coach has his samuri hair tonight. Jeff is in pale green. It's a good color for him.
TAJ: Coach tells the best campfire stories.
Jeff: Really?? Do tell.
Coach: I actually toned the story down to make it PG. The dwarfs really wanted to eat my ahole. LMFAO. uhuh.
Coach: I've had 6-8 life or death situations, Jeff. Been in a hurricane, attacked by a shark, and a croc, the Indian tribe capture... WOW, who knew how friggin stressful being a concert conductor could be!
Jeff: Coach, are you still confident?
Jeff: Tyson, how big is trust??
Taj: JT is a triple threat, Jeff.
Jeff: Taj-do you have the idol? Stephen? Brendan? "Yes, Jeff, I have the idol"
Time to vote.
Coach gets 2 votes (Sierra and Brendan)
Sierra gets 3 ( JT, Tyson and Erin)
Brendan gets 4 votes ( Coach, Debbie, Taj, Stephen).
Brendan is voted off. Damn, I was hoping Coach was going but, why ruin the party now??
Friday, April 17, 2009
Survivor Week 7
Welcome to the I Hate Coach weekly update. Brought to you by Charmin.
This week, surprise surprise, we start with Coach. He's doing yoga down at the beach with Carl Orff's Carmina Burana playing in the background. And, yes, you all should be impressed that not only did I know the music, I knew the composer. haha, not just a pretty face with a fabulous sense of humor now, am I?? Coach and I are kindred spirits, renaissance women if you will.
So, Coach is yoga'd out and has the realization DING "this is about me now". Lol, as if this is new in his life. He decides to be Mr. Nice Guy and gives backrubs. Cut to Brendan bagging on Coach saying he "started the whole samari hair thing" with his little pony tale.
Joe has a leg infection from the nasty germs in Brazil.
Tree Mail: something about your head spinning, but really it's a merge and a feast. Coach " the merge is like getting a new girlfriend, lots of new things to explore". Yea, you don't know whether to try on her shoes or her underwear first. They eat and drink but Coach eats standing up which I think is really weird. Maybe it's from a whole 'eating standing up in the Amazon' flashback.
They all go back to Timburra's camp. JT wants to know what's up with the dog house shelter. Debbie: "do y'all want a tour", like it's a new McMansion. I thought the tour would be all, I shit there, Sierra shits here and Coach just shits wherever he wants.
Coach and JT go down to the fishing hole. Coach suddenly likes fishing-fly fishing to be exact. Loves "the art of the cast". What a friggin idiot. Coach wants to bond with JT cause he's a lawyer and an intellectual. JT is smarter than his redneck image cause he right away asks Coach if it's true that Brendan is in charge? That gets up Coach's ASS which is exactly what JT wanted. JT eludes that Brendan must have the idol since he didn't share clues with Taj.
Coach goes to Tyson and tells him, "Brendan has the idol". Tyson talks to Stephen, wants help getting Brendan out. And, as quickly as that, Timbura falls apart as a tribe.
JT and Tyson are fishing. Tyson tells JT he wants Brendan out. Debbie and Tyson go for "wood". Which is more about talking smack about everyone than the porn reference I thought it meant. Not to be left out, Taj and Stephan are upset that Sierra and Brendan didn't run right over and hug them and say, "hey, immunity idol buddies". Brendan is obviously too smart for that, wants it to be low key.
Erinn and Joe talk. Seriously, I think there was something in the feast that made everyone talk a lot. She never looked for the idol after they left exhale. Joe has to show her what the clue meant, even though it is the lamest clue in Survivor history. They go to tree mail, no idol. They assume Brendan and Sierra have it.
Oh, they rename themselves Forza Tribe cause someone thinks Forza means strength or something in brazillian.
Challenge time. Whoa, maybe it's my beer goggles but Jeff is looking so freakin sexy. Seriously! I would say he looked so hot that my husband might even have gotten lucky that night but I wouldn't want to upset Becky and Mary with that visual image.
Man, he is so freakin hot that I can't remember what the challenge is. Oh yea, pole humping. Climb up onto a pole and hump it as long as possible. Or something like that. Maybe I just have humping on the brain. Stephen is first out, followed by Joe (to which I said to the TV, "Hey Jeff, you might want to get medical to look at Joe's red puss filled leg), then Brendan, Taj, Erinn, JT, Coach, and Sierra which leaves Debbie and the barefooted Tyson. Someone says something funny and Debbie is out. Tyson wins immunity.
Since Jeff and I have a special bond, he calls medical over to look at Joe's let. I think it's the same australian medical chick as before. She tells Joe that he has an infection, and if it doesn't go away he could lose everything but his head. Seriously, it was wicked scare tactic, also known as "limited liability 101".
Back on Forza, the are all standing under a huge patio umbrella which I have no idea where it came from. Man, that was bad sentence structure. Anyway, maybe they stole it after the feast.
And, now, it all goes freakin CRAZY with alliances, cross alliances, sideways alliances, and I would like to do a John Madden on the screen so I can keep track of all of the alliances going on. Somehow Stephen and JT come up with a vote split between Sierra and Brendan in case Brendan plays the idol. Are they turning against their alliance??
Coach calls himself the dragon slayer cause it's all his idea. Whatever.
Jeff shows up at camp, without his baseball hat and with just out of the shower hair. OMGZ. So freakin hot. Joe is leaving the game cause they don't have a syringe of antibiotics to shoot into his ass. Or something like that. Actually I think Joe and the medic chick are hooking up. Anyway, no tribal council.
This week, surprise surprise, we start with Coach. He's doing yoga down at the beach with Carl Orff's Carmina Burana playing in the background. And, yes, you all should be impressed that not only did I know the music, I knew the composer. haha, not just a pretty face with a fabulous sense of humor now, am I?? Coach and I are kindred spirits, renaissance women if you will.
So, Coach is yoga'd out and has the realization DING "this is about me now". Lol, as if this is new in his life. He decides to be Mr. Nice Guy and gives backrubs. Cut to Brendan bagging on Coach saying he "started the whole samari hair thing" with his little pony tale.
Joe has a leg infection from the nasty germs in Brazil.
Tree Mail: something about your head spinning, but really it's a merge and a feast. Coach " the merge is like getting a new girlfriend, lots of new things to explore". Yea, you don't know whether to try on her shoes or her underwear first. They eat and drink but Coach eats standing up which I think is really weird. Maybe it's from a whole 'eating standing up in the Amazon' flashback.
They all go back to Timburra's camp. JT wants to know what's up with the dog house shelter. Debbie: "do y'all want a tour", like it's a new McMansion. I thought the tour would be all, I shit there, Sierra shits here and Coach just shits wherever he wants.
Coach and JT go down to the fishing hole. Coach suddenly likes fishing-fly fishing to be exact. Loves "the art of the cast". What a friggin idiot. Coach wants to bond with JT cause he's a lawyer and an intellectual. JT is smarter than his redneck image cause he right away asks Coach if it's true that Brendan is in charge? That gets up Coach's ASS which is exactly what JT wanted. JT eludes that Brendan must have the idol since he didn't share clues with Taj.
Coach goes to Tyson and tells him, "Brendan has the idol". Tyson talks to Stephen, wants help getting Brendan out. And, as quickly as that, Timbura falls apart as a tribe.
JT and Tyson are fishing. Tyson tells JT he wants Brendan out. Debbie and Tyson go for "wood". Which is more about talking smack about everyone than the porn reference I thought it meant. Not to be left out, Taj and Stephan are upset that Sierra and Brendan didn't run right over and hug them and say, "hey, immunity idol buddies". Brendan is obviously too smart for that, wants it to be low key.
Erinn and Joe talk. Seriously, I think there was something in the feast that made everyone talk a lot. She never looked for the idol after they left exhale. Joe has to show her what the clue meant, even though it is the lamest clue in Survivor history. They go to tree mail, no idol. They assume Brendan and Sierra have it.
Oh, they rename themselves Forza Tribe cause someone thinks Forza means strength or something in brazillian.
Challenge time. Whoa, maybe it's my beer goggles but Jeff is looking so freakin sexy. Seriously! I would say he looked so hot that my husband might even have gotten lucky that night but I wouldn't want to upset Becky and Mary with that visual image.
Man, he is so freakin hot that I can't remember what the challenge is. Oh yea, pole humping. Climb up onto a pole and hump it as long as possible. Or something like that. Maybe I just have humping on the brain. Stephen is first out, followed by Joe (to which I said to the TV, "Hey Jeff, you might want to get medical to look at Joe's red puss filled leg), then Brendan, Taj, Erinn, JT, Coach, and Sierra which leaves Debbie and the barefooted Tyson. Someone says something funny and Debbie is out. Tyson wins immunity.
Since Jeff and I have a special bond, he calls medical over to look at Joe's let. I think it's the same australian medical chick as before. She tells Joe that he has an infection, and if it doesn't go away he could lose everything but his head. Seriously, it was wicked scare tactic, also known as "limited liability 101".
Back on Forza, the are all standing under a huge patio umbrella which I have no idea where it came from. Man, that was bad sentence structure. Anyway, maybe they stole it after the feast.
And, now, it all goes freakin CRAZY with alliances, cross alliances, sideways alliances, and I would like to do a John Madden on the screen so I can keep track of all of the alliances going on. Somehow Stephen and JT come up with a vote split between Sierra and Brendan in case Brendan plays the idol. Are they turning against their alliance??
Coach calls himself the dragon slayer cause it's all his idea. Whatever.
Jeff shows up at camp, without his baseball hat and with just out of the shower hair. OMGZ. So freakin hot. Joe is leaving the game cause they don't have a syringe of antibiotics to shoot into his ass. Or something like that. Actually I think Joe and the medic chick are hooking up. Anyway, no tribal council.
Survivor Week 6
Yo, so I wasn't gonna do an update on last week's show since it was a rehash of the first 14 or so days but, as the show progressed I felt my fingers inching over to the notepad and thought I would share a few comments.
First off, I like to think of this mid season summary as the Drinking Woman's Guide to Survivor. Cause, as you all know from that damn immunity idol slip up I made the other week, I am usually only about half in the bag when this show starts. So, I do appreciate the Probster going back and talking slowly to me about what I've missed.
Some quotes that cracked me up:
Coach is "Stephen Segal's love child"Probst: the season started with an EPIC 4 hour journey to camp. Epic?? Really Jeff? According to dictionary.com "epic" means noting or pertaining to a long poetic composition, usually centered upon a hero, in which a series of great achievements or events is narrated in elevated style: Homer's Iliad is an epic poem. I mean I know Survivor is a fabulous show but I really don't think 18 strangers wondering out in Brazil looking for a camp on a reality TV show is in the Iliad's category.
JT: a well educated hillbilly. Oxymoron or what!
Taj: "I look fat but I'm really muscular" Which is funny to me cause I was just saying that to my husband.
Lots of pics of Timbura eating bugs and stuff, the men of Jalapeno trying and failing to relight the fire and Sydney getting the job done. Tyson dancing naked, dancing with a loincloth. Tyson is an 'atypical mormon". I think after this show he can drop the mormon line. Hey, lots of interesting scenes with the elusive Debbie. Is there something going on here or is this just another cougar in the jungle?
Brendan and Coach have an alpha male 'bench building contest". Is that friggin GAY or what??
Taj has a crying jag about her ugly bug bitten skin. She's never gonna be beautiful again. "I can't go home empty handed looking like this" Yea, cause my NFL or NBA hubby will replace my ass with a blonde white girl in a heartbeat. Stephen gets a hug in to console the bitten one. Stephen probably has never been that close to a big MUSCULAR woman.
LMAO-Ok, I just love Coach because he is just such a friggin ahole. Apparently he screamed "snake" in his sleep, which he attributes to a nightmare about an Amazon snake incident he once had. Uhuh, was that before or after you conducted the symphony you prissy pompous phony? I love Erin:"Who IS this Jackass??"
And, hands down, my favorite part of the rehash show was the Brazilian Brokeback Mountain scene of Brendan and Stephan 'spooning" on ecstasy island. Dude, I wish I could quit you. Seriously, Stephen must feel like he has stepped into a porno, first hugging a big MUSCULAR black woman with a groin knot, and now getting a little Brendan.
Probst: " the challenges are going to get more intense". Christ, I think that means the puzzles will now have MORE THAN 6 PIECES EACH.
Peace out. Enjoy this great weather and tonight's NEW episode.
First off, I like to think of this mid season summary as the Drinking Woman's Guide to Survivor. Cause, as you all know from that damn immunity idol slip up I made the other week, I am usually only about half in the bag when this show starts. So, I do appreciate the Probster going back and talking slowly to me about what I've missed.
Some quotes that cracked me up:
Coach is "Stephen Segal's love child"Probst: the season started with an EPIC 4 hour journey to camp. Epic?? Really Jeff? According to dictionary.com "epic" means noting or pertaining to a long poetic composition, usually centered upon a hero, in which a series of great achievements or events is narrated in elevated style: Homer's Iliad is an epic poem. I mean I know Survivor is a fabulous show but I really don't think 18 strangers wondering out in Brazil looking for a camp on a reality TV show is in the Iliad's category.
JT: a well educated hillbilly. Oxymoron or what!
Taj: "I look fat but I'm really muscular" Which is funny to me cause I was just saying that to my husband.
Lots of pics of Timbura eating bugs and stuff, the men of Jalapeno trying and failing to relight the fire and Sydney getting the job done. Tyson dancing naked, dancing with a loincloth. Tyson is an 'atypical mormon". I think after this show he can drop the mormon line. Hey, lots of interesting scenes with the elusive Debbie. Is there something going on here or is this just another cougar in the jungle?
Brendan and Coach have an alpha male 'bench building contest". Is that friggin GAY or what??
Taj has a crying jag about her ugly bug bitten skin. She's never gonna be beautiful again. "I can't go home empty handed looking like this" Yea, cause my NFL or NBA hubby will replace my ass with a blonde white girl in a heartbeat. Stephen gets a hug in to console the bitten one. Stephen probably has never been that close to a big MUSCULAR woman.
LMAO-Ok, I just love Coach because he is just such a friggin ahole. Apparently he screamed "snake" in his sleep, which he attributes to a nightmare about an Amazon snake incident he once had. Uhuh, was that before or after you conducted the symphony you prissy pompous phony? I love Erin:"Who IS this Jackass??"
And, hands down, my favorite part of the rehash show was the Brazilian Brokeback Mountain scene of Brendan and Stephan 'spooning" on ecstasy island. Dude, I wish I could quit you. Seriously, Stephen must feel like he has stepped into a porno, first hugging a big MUSCULAR black woman with a groin knot, and now getting a little Brendan.
Probst: " the challenges are going to get more intense". Christ, I think that means the puzzles will now have MORE THAN 6 PIECES EACH.
Peace out. Enjoy this great weather and tonight's NEW episode.
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