One more fabulous episode of this season's Survivor: The Resurrection of Christ. One more chance to see JEFF in his dark blue shirt, and one more oh my god so hot hot hot time at the Pottstown Motel 6!! And, thank you Jeff honey, for calling ahead last week and asking them for a clean bedspread. It's the little things that lets me know how much you care.
Ok. So basically there are still, what, 9 people who could win this thang?? They better get to hacking pretty quick tomorrow night.
Last week Andrea was blindsided. Like BANG blindsided. Ashley and Natalie are happy to be the last girls standing. Ashley wants a pact that they tell each other if they hear they are getting blindsided. Natalie says, uhuh, but then Rob asks her and she tells him she's with him all the way. He's getting nervous with only 7 days to prove to his wife that he is capable of winning Survivor too.
Andrea arrives at Resurrection Island. Note: is it really an island?? Because it seems like they all walk there. Hmmmmm. So, Matt isn't glad to see her. Because his bible tells him to keep your cheek turned against someone who does you wrong. They argue. You hate me...no you hate me....you threw me under the bus...no you threw me under the bus. Christ, just shag and get it over with. Time for sleep. Ralph tells her she has to sleep outside the tent. I believe he also tells her Rob used her like toilet paper and wiped his ass with her but he could have been saying, "Nice night".
Time for the Quadruel. Andrea boohooos that everyone lied to her. Yawn. FYI-Jeff is in light blue. Ahhhh, holy christ, it's a puzzle challenge. Do a table maze, smash something, do a puzzle. Whatever. Ralph kicks ASS. Andrea totally freaks out and Mike finishes his maze. Then Matt. Onto the puzzle, and Mike wins. Crap, Ralph loses the puzzle and is on the jury. OMG, what is he gonna look like all cleaned up??? Rob is done with the whole Resurrection Island thing. ME TOO, ROB. Jeff love it, so I expect it to return.
And, back at camp, the always present Rice Wars erupt. People want to eat, Ashley wants to conserve rice. Rob wants them to eat a little. Phillip goes all federal agent commando on the girls, saying the men need more calories than the women to beat whoever comes back from RI. Rob and Grant retire to the lanai to discuss getting rid of Ashley and breaking up the girls. Phillip is still in ranting mood. He points out that they never argue with Rob. "Because Rob is sane!!" OMG, DO NOT SAY THE WORD CRAZY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. The girls leave, calling Phillip PSYCHO on the way out. Hmnmmmm, Rob has to do some damage control. He's worried the girls are too close, and he's worried Phillip is getting too crazy.
Rob talks to Natalie and assures her she'll go to the end if she does what he tells her. Ashley is getting a little worried-Rob tells Natalie to keep her happy. Ashley thinks Rob would get rid of either she or Natalie to take Grant to the end, and wants something BIG to happen.
Ashley approaches Rob and tells him her plan to get rid of Grant, basically saying if Mike comes back, he and Grant would be too strong. "I figured you'd want Phillip gone". "I do, but I'm more interested in preserving you, me and Natalie." Rob thinks it over and doesn't like her plan. He tells Grant she wants him gone. They decide one of them has to win immunity. 'If Ashley doesn't win immunity, she's gone". Grant, Phillip and Rob get together and discuss Ashley's ride coming to an end. Natalie tells Rob, "it's gonna be hard to get rid of Ashley". Rob is even more paranoid about that duo. And, by that I mean TWO OF THEM.
Immunity Challenge. Jeff is in light blue. WOW, it's a puzzle challenge. Use fish hooks to make a fish puzzle, with one hand tied behind their back. Seriously, they need to hire some new challenge people, ones that don't work at Fisher Price. Wanna know what you're playing for? Immunity and a 3 course meal delivered to the camp.
Grant gets off to a big start, as do the other men. Digging their puzzle pieces up. The ladies are lagging. But Ashley kicks ass and pulls up to the boys. She then surpasses them and wins immunity. Who do you want to share the feast with? Natalie of course.
Back at camp, Ashley's happy but not Rob. "The thing I didn't want to happen, happens. Sorry Grant, you're done". Rob says he always has to do the dirty work, so he checks with Ashley and Natalie, yes Grant. He tells Phillip it's Grant, but that he's telling Grant it's Phillip. Then he goes to Grant and asks his opinion, which is meaningless. Grant goes on and on and on discussing the options before deciding on Natalie. Then he makes his swan song "When you look somebody in the eyes and shake their hand, you kind of get a vibe from that person and I get a good one from Rob. And we’re sticking to our alliance" .
I totally can't figure out how Rob is going to win by blindsiding everyone! Room service arrives and the ladies chow down on pizza, nachos, fettuccini alfredo, chocolate cake, cheesecake and ice cream. Seriously, you'd have to puke if that was the first thing you have eating in 30 days. Rob is worried about how close they are, as Ashley talks to Natalie about getting whoever comes back from Resurrection Island on their side. Natalie tells Rob, and admits she's wondering which way to go. Rob talks her off the ledge.
Tribal. About the only thing interesting is that JEFF IS IN DARK BLUE!! Otherwise, Grant is voted off the Island
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Survivor: Religious Experience
Yo yo yo! Is anyone else thinking this season is gonna come down to a laser tag bout between Resurrection Island and Ometepe? God I hope not. And, apparently GOD is all over Survivor this season.
Ok, so Ralph arrives at Resurrection Island, tells them Steve isn't doing well and has lost 40 lbs. Then Steve arrives. He does look like shit. Soooooo, the Jury is all Zepetera (or whatever it was), so if any of them manage to get back in the game and make it to the final 3 or 4, they would have the jury on their side.
Andrea is happy it's Ometepe only, because, well frankly, she's an idiot. Natalie on the other hand cries, missing everyone. Per Rob, Natalie is mature beyond her years but is still only 19. Rob wants to keep everyone happy so they don't figure out it would be wise to get rid of him. Anyone else find themselves yelling at the tv-WHY DON'T YOU IDIOTS WONDER WHERE THE IDOL IS???" God, they are all ridiculously stupid.
Tree mail: it's a total product placement for SPRINT. And, the EPIC 4G SPRINT phone at that. It's an invite to resurrection island for the duel (or 4 people) and home videos. They all watch and get all emotional. They get a phone at Resurrection too. After trying to call Baby Jesus, they realize it's an incoming phone only, and they get home videos too.
Duel of 4. Jeff is resplendent in light blue. The winner of the duel gets to see there loved one. Oh, and it's yet another game of toss a ball and break a tile. Yea, I got up to get yet another drink and Mike had won. Steve lost, and I really think he intentionally lost to get a meal. Mike gets to see his mom Jane, who comes out. Or DOES HE GET TO SEE HER??? He has a choice. He can forgo his visit with him mom and give the family visits to Ralph and Matt,OR he can let the Ometepe remnants get to see their family members. Ooooooh. Drama. Mike say, "I was just reading the bible this morning and it talked about giving the most good to the most people, so I'll give the loved one visits to the people who freaking stabbed me in the back, in hopes that they might give me a vote".
Back at Resurrection, Ralph thinks he's an idiot. He ain't going along with this gods plan thing. (Note: Do starving people become more religious? Talk amongst yourselves).
Camp visit. Phillip tells his sister "it's a social game. I'll go crazy if I have to". Hmmmmm. Rob is all teary eyed at seeing his sister and says, "I have to win for my wife and kids". Wait, did he and Amber blow through that first million like trailer park lotto winners??
Tree mail: Immunity challenge. Rob "Andrea can't win tonight".
Challenge: it's a miserable build stadium steps thingy. Seriously, it looks like hell to me. Rob is dying but manages to win, whereupon he collapses and has leg cramps, needs water and is generally dying. Hmmmm, faking it?? I actually don't think so. He was really trying to kick Andrea's ass. Phillip wasn't even working it.
They all decide it's Andrea but they tell her it's Phillip. Phillip then runs around being a total asshole. He explains it's his strategy-to be the crazy villain so periodically he has to remind them all what an ahole he is so they keep him. He says he has his oral argument speech all ready. Rob, on the other hand, is starting to have second thoughts. Is Phillip playing me??
Tribal. Jeff my darling is in Dark Blue. He so reads my blog.
Andrea: are you concerned? No. I feel confident. LOL, famous last words.
Natalie-is it exciting to be just one tribe now? It's totally different and not really that much fun.
Andrea: You're very competitive, are you a threat?? HELLLOOOOO ANDREA, WAKE UP AND SMELL THE PROBSTING. No, we need a really strong tribe with someone coming back from Resurrection Island.
Phillip: Is it possible to make it to the end if you are truthful?? Hey, Jeff, shut your yap I got these people on the run. "I'm the senior statesman...no one fells secure".
Someone is about to be blindsided.
Vote.
Phillip gets one vote and Andrea is sent to Resurrection Island. Hope she's brushed up on her bible stories.
Ok, so Ralph arrives at Resurrection Island, tells them Steve isn't doing well and has lost 40 lbs. Then Steve arrives. He does look like shit. Soooooo, the Jury is all Zepetera (or whatever it was), so if any of them manage to get back in the game and make it to the final 3 or 4, they would have the jury on their side.
Andrea is happy it's Ometepe only, because, well frankly, she's an idiot. Natalie on the other hand cries, missing everyone. Per Rob, Natalie is mature beyond her years but is still only 19. Rob wants to keep everyone happy so they don't figure out it would be wise to get rid of him. Anyone else find themselves yelling at the tv-WHY DON'T YOU IDIOTS WONDER WHERE THE IDOL IS???" God, they are all ridiculously stupid.
Tree mail: it's a total product placement for SPRINT. And, the EPIC 4G SPRINT phone at that. It's an invite to resurrection island for the duel (or 4 people) and home videos. They all watch and get all emotional. They get a phone at Resurrection too. After trying to call Baby Jesus, they realize it's an incoming phone only, and they get home videos too.
Duel of 4. Jeff is resplendent in light blue. The winner of the duel gets to see there loved one. Oh, and it's yet another game of toss a ball and break a tile. Yea, I got up to get yet another drink and Mike had won. Steve lost, and I really think he intentionally lost to get a meal. Mike gets to see his mom Jane, who comes out. Or DOES HE GET TO SEE HER??? He has a choice. He can forgo his visit with him mom and give the family visits to Ralph and Matt,OR he can let the Ometepe remnants get to see their family members. Ooooooh. Drama. Mike say, "I was just reading the bible this morning and it talked about giving the most good to the most people, so I'll give the loved one visits to the people who freaking stabbed me in the back, in hopes that they might give me a vote".
Back at Resurrection, Ralph thinks he's an idiot. He ain't going along with this gods plan thing. (Note: Do starving people become more religious? Talk amongst yourselves).
Camp visit. Phillip tells his sister "it's a social game. I'll go crazy if I have to". Hmmmmm. Rob is all teary eyed at seeing his sister and says, "I have to win for my wife and kids". Wait, did he and Amber blow through that first million like trailer park lotto winners??
Tree mail: Immunity challenge. Rob "Andrea can't win tonight".
Challenge: it's a miserable build stadium steps thingy. Seriously, it looks like hell to me. Rob is dying but manages to win, whereupon he collapses and has leg cramps, needs water and is generally dying. Hmmmm, faking it?? I actually don't think so. He was really trying to kick Andrea's ass. Phillip wasn't even working it.
They all decide it's Andrea but they tell her it's Phillip. Phillip then runs around being a total asshole. He explains it's his strategy-to be the crazy villain so periodically he has to remind them all what an ahole he is so they keep him. He says he has his oral argument speech all ready. Rob, on the other hand, is starting to have second thoughts. Is Phillip playing me??
Tribal. Jeff my darling is in Dark Blue. He so reads my blog.
Andrea: are you concerned? No. I feel confident. LOL, famous last words.
Natalie-is it exciting to be just one tribe now? It's totally different and not really that much fun.
Andrea: You're very competitive, are you a threat?? HELLLOOOOO ANDREA, WAKE UP AND SMELL THE PROBSTING. No, we need a really strong tribe with someone coming back from Resurrection Island.
Phillip: Is it possible to make it to the end if you are truthful?? Hey, Jeff, shut your yap I got these people on the run. "I'm the senior statesman...no one fells secure".
Someone is about to be blindsided.
Vote.
Phillip gets one vote and Andrea is sent to Resurrection Island. Hope she's brushed up on her bible stories.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Survivor Update: And Now the Cannibalism Begins...
Yo! They are flinging people off at a fast clip! Redemption Island is getting crowded. I still say last man (or woman) left on Redemption comes back for the final vote.
So, Steve apologizes to Phillip after tribal. Phil ain't buying it. Rob "as long as Phillip keeps up the stupid antics, he'll be coming with me to the finale". Uhuh. Falling right into Phillip's trap...
Steve, the apologizer, asks "where's numb nuts" referring to Phillip. LOL. Love that expression,. Cue Phillip who is up and about in his pink panties, saying his grandfather came to him in a dream and told him to "look for your shorts near the waterhole". Damn if he doesn't find them! "Don't mess with the undercover specialist." He parades around camp. Steve: "Phillip is a crazy-freaking lunatic". Phillip can't WAIT to wear his swim trunks to the redemption challenge. I'd say, "and rub them in Julie's face" but that is just a nasty thought.
Redemption: Julie slept well. Mike thinks Matt is in a downward spiral since getting sent back to redemption. Matt: "I'm wasting away, I miss my family. God has me here for a reason. Sniff sniff, God has been carrying me....I'm over this game".
Matt, matt, matt. The name of this game is Survivor, not Savior. Let's leave the Lord out of reality TV, shall we??
Ok, so Jeff announces the Duel at redemption...it;s a duel with 3 people. Um, no. In fact a duel is a fight between 2 people honeybuns. You're cute as hell but really, not that smart. It would be a triul.
Dr. Jeff is all spiritual today. "Matt, where you at? Are you ready to go home?" Matt: I'm at peace. I think I'm ready to go home and do God's work." Don't let the cross hit you on the ass on the way out, dude.
It's a shuffleboard-off. Mike says he's a shuffleboard king, plays on a league at home. LOL. During the shuffleboard-off, Andrea gives him the look. Ya know the, "ok ok I voted you off twice but I'd still do ya" look. Matt ignores her. Ooooh, Snap!
Julie sucks at shuffleboard and, in fact, Mike is quite good at it, However Jesus gives Matt extra powers right when he needs it (wait, did Jesus pick Matt in the pool??) and he comes from behind to win. Julie is gone.
Back at camp, like, Andrea? Like she tooootally like thinks Matt?? Is like, mad at her? And, like, she feels kinda bad about it but, like really, it's just a game".
Rob and Grant chat. OK, Grant is totally flying under the radar and I cannot believe he is still there. He is gonna turn it on in the challenges pretty soon. Anyway, they both think Andrea should go first chance it comes up. But when...
Immunity challenge, and Dimples is in dark blue. Hot. The challenge is a log roll. Winner gets a chocolate cake and milk. Plus, THERE IS ANOTHER TWIST!.
Here's how it goes: 1) Grant beats Rob, 2) Ashley beats Andrea, 3) Ralph beats Steve surprisingly... and 4) Phillip beats Natalie
Round 2 Semi finals: Grant beats Ashely, Ralph beats Phillip. That sasquatch is a pretty good log roller, although that is what they do out there in the kountry on Saturday nights. Trust me on that one...
Finally....... Grant beats Ralph in a very close round. He gets to chose one person to eat cake with him. Chooses Rob. And, pick another one! He chooses Andrea to reel her in. Jeff gives Steve a package to bring to tribal.
Ooooh, what's the twist?? The package feels like a packet of cards...Andrea: "It would be silly to get rid of our own people". LOL. That cake sure worked on her. Sasquatch gives a 5 minute speech, of which I recognized about 3 words. Steve thinks he's going although he thinks Ralph is a bigger threat since he's still trying. He pushes this a little...
Rob talks to the other girls. He tells them it's Ralph first because Steve has given up, then Andrea. Steve tells the girls he and sasquatch are voting for Rob and if the girls join them they could flip the game. Of course they run back and tell Rob this who gets pissed and realizes that in fact Steve might be a bigger threat...has to change his plan perhaps... They are now all thinking there is going to be 2 votes tonight. Hence the multiple vote plans.
Tribal, dark blue darling.
Rob: Is it between Steve or Ralph? Yep
Steve: They're unbreakable, we've tried.
Andrea: Does Steve make a good point? Yes, I feel safe.
Ralph: Odds are you or Steve...Probably me.
Steve: Yep, probably Ralph, I'm lame...
Grant: Dude's not a quitter...
Phillip: Yep, he's not really that feeble...
Steve: Don't trust Rob people. It's now or never...remember Rob was a traitor in Survivor All Stars...
Jeff tells the story of Rob stabbing people in order to help Amber, his GF
Rob: That's hard to deny but, I still have a history with Amber today!
Steve: LET'S DO IT!!!
Vote. No idol played. Ralph is voted off, starts to leave without his torch for redemption.
And now the twist...You will now compete for another immunity and vote someone off immediately.
It's a card matching thing. Jeff does a series of cards and then asks for them back in order.
Rob wins immunity, and Steve is the next person sent to Redemption.
So, Steve apologizes to Phillip after tribal. Phil ain't buying it. Rob "as long as Phillip keeps up the stupid antics, he'll be coming with me to the finale". Uhuh. Falling right into Phillip's trap...
Steve, the apologizer, asks "where's numb nuts" referring to Phillip. LOL. Love that expression,. Cue Phillip who is up and about in his pink panties, saying his grandfather came to him in a dream and told him to "look for your shorts near the waterhole". Damn if he doesn't find them! "Don't mess with the undercover specialist." He parades around camp. Steve: "Phillip is a crazy-freaking lunatic". Phillip can't WAIT to wear his swim trunks to the redemption challenge. I'd say, "and rub them in Julie's face" but that is just a nasty thought.
Redemption: Julie slept well. Mike thinks Matt is in a downward spiral since getting sent back to redemption. Matt: "I'm wasting away, I miss my family. God has me here for a reason. Sniff sniff, God has been carrying me....I'm over this game".
Matt, matt, matt. The name of this game is Survivor, not Savior. Let's leave the Lord out of reality TV, shall we??
Ok, so Jeff announces the Duel at redemption...it;s a duel with 3 people. Um, no. In fact a duel is a fight between 2 people honeybuns. You're cute as hell but really, not that smart. It would be a triul.
Dr. Jeff is all spiritual today. "Matt, where you at? Are you ready to go home?" Matt: I'm at peace. I think I'm ready to go home and do God's work." Don't let the cross hit you on the ass on the way out, dude.
It's a shuffleboard-off. Mike says he's a shuffleboard king, plays on a league at home. LOL. During the shuffleboard-off, Andrea gives him the look. Ya know the, "ok ok I voted you off twice but I'd still do ya" look. Matt ignores her. Ooooh, Snap!
Julie sucks at shuffleboard and, in fact, Mike is quite good at it, However Jesus gives Matt extra powers right when he needs it (wait, did Jesus pick Matt in the pool??) and he comes from behind to win. Julie is gone.
Back at camp, like, Andrea? Like she tooootally like thinks Matt?? Is like, mad at her? And, like, she feels kinda bad about it but, like really, it's just a game".
Rob and Grant chat. OK, Grant is totally flying under the radar and I cannot believe he is still there. He is gonna turn it on in the challenges pretty soon. Anyway, they both think Andrea should go first chance it comes up. But when...
Immunity challenge, and Dimples is in dark blue. Hot. The challenge is a log roll. Winner gets a chocolate cake and milk. Plus, THERE IS ANOTHER TWIST!.
Here's how it goes: 1) Grant beats Rob, 2) Ashley beats Andrea, 3) Ralph beats Steve surprisingly... and 4) Phillip beats Natalie
Round 2 Semi finals: Grant beats Ashely, Ralph beats Phillip. That sasquatch is a pretty good log roller, although that is what they do out there in the kountry on Saturday nights. Trust me on that one...
Finally....... Grant beats Ralph in a very close round. He gets to chose one person to eat cake with him. Chooses Rob. And, pick another one! He chooses Andrea to reel her in. Jeff gives Steve a package to bring to tribal.
Ooooh, what's the twist?? The package feels like a packet of cards...Andrea: "It would be silly to get rid of our own people". LOL. That cake sure worked on her. Sasquatch gives a 5 minute speech, of which I recognized about 3 words. Steve thinks he's going although he thinks Ralph is a bigger threat since he's still trying. He pushes this a little...
Rob talks to the other girls. He tells them it's Ralph first because Steve has given up, then Andrea. Steve tells the girls he and sasquatch are voting for Rob and if the girls join them they could flip the game. Of course they run back and tell Rob this who gets pissed and realizes that in fact Steve might be a bigger threat...has to change his plan perhaps... They are now all thinking there is going to be 2 votes tonight. Hence the multiple vote plans.
Tribal, dark blue darling.
Rob: Is it between Steve or Ralph? Yep
Steve: They're unbreakable, we've tried.
Andrea: Does Steve make a good point? Yes, I feel safe.
Ralph: Odds are you or Steve...Probably me.
Steve: Yep, probably Ralph, I'm lame...
Grant: Dude's not a quitter...
Phillip: Yep, he's not really that feeble...
Steve: Don't trust Rob people. It's now or never...remember Rob was a traitor in Survivor All Stars...
Jeff tells the story of Rob stabbing people in order to help Amber, his GF
Rob: That's hard to deny but, I still have a history with Amber today!
Steve: LET'S DO IT!!!
Vote. No idol played. Ralph is voted off, starts to leave without his torch for redemption.
And now the twist...You will now compete for another immunity and vote someone off immediately.
It's a card matching thing. Jeff does a series of cards and then asks for them back in order.
Rob wins immunity, and Steve is the next person sent to Redemption.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
A Very Cheesy Race Update
Previously on the Amazing Race...
6 teams remain...Gary and Mallory hit YET ANOTHER non elimination leg. Which makes 15 non elimination legs I believe. They face a lame azz speedbump this week.
Salzburg. Villa Trappe. Make your way to Licktenstein, which is a country apparently. Caution, double Uturn is ahead.
Train to THE COUNTRY TO Licktenstein. The globes and the sistas are flirting. Have I mentioned I love love love the train?? Boarder crossing at Shumwa or something like that. Gary and Mallory get a lame cab driver.
Roadblock. Using a motorized bicycle, a map and a measurer things, they have to measure the total length of the country. If you get it wrong, you have to do it again. Christ, my globes are gonna suck at this. This bike thing looks really dangerous.
Mallory "very quickly, fast fast fast please". Repeat this about 20 friggin annoying times. Speed bump. They need to calculate the proper ratio of gas to oil to run the bike thingy. 25 parts gas to 1 part of oil. They made it sound worse than it was. Took maybe 2 minutes. Remember the shave your head speedbump a couple years ago??
Rut Ro, the Sistas map just flew out of her pocket. Freak girl can't read a map. Justin gets it right first. Sista hears him, checks with him and she gets it right too. Jet comes up with the wrong number and has to go back and do it again.
Bus/train to the Alps. Zermat, Switzerland. Which is also a country I believe. Another beautiful European train!!!
Wow, the sistas and Zev/Justin just told flight time the answer. Flight time tells Gary too. Wow, freak girl got it right on her own!! Jet gets it right the second time.
Detour. Zermat is a ski town for rich people. Cheese fondue or Wheeze. Eat a big pot of fondue or deliver 20 pieces of luggage from at least 5 hotels. Oh, I would PAY BIG MONEY to eat the cheese.
Sistas and Zevstin chose cheese. Sista "I'm not gonna be able to poop for a while". Sistas switch to the other task. Zevstin are still eating but debating. Zev powers through the cheese! Zev is not very fondue of the fondue. I love Zev.
Globes go for luggage. As do Gary/Mallory. Freaks are doing luggage too and bitching. He's like a little girl. There's a certain number of hotels they have to hit. And, I'm not sure the freaks are doing it right.
"C'mon Dad... C'mon Dad...C'mon Dad". God she is annoying.
Zevstin are dying finishing the cheese. Justin pukes. Zev looks like he's in a cheese coma. LOL. I could have eaten that in half the time. Gimme a spoon!!
Cowboys just show up and do the luggage. Zevstin finish! It took almost an hour. Next clue is to some fountain at Iderbautenbrunen. Or something like that. LOL. Zev is liking the goats. They chose to not uturn anyone. Travel to the Pitt Stop via an electric taxi. Sistas do not uturn.
Zevstin are team #1!! They keep making fondue jokes. They win a trip to the...somewhere warm. Sistas team 2.
Freaks finish. His candy ass is too tired to walk back so he sits in the luggage cart and she pulls him. Globes screw up one piece of luggage. Shit, they are also missing 2 tags.
Freaks don't uturn anyone. It's down to the cowboys and the globes... Freaks are team 3. Gallory are team 4. Little love fest between her and Phil. It's a foot race between cowboys and the globes. The globes uturn the cowboys. They eat the cheese and then are eliminated.
Bye bye Brokebacks. You will be missed.
6 teams remain...Gary and Mallory hit YET ANOTHER non elimination leg. Which makes 15 non elimination legs I believe. They face a lame azz speedbump this week.
Salzburg. Villa Trappe. Make your way to Licktenstein, which is a country apparently. Caution, double Uturn is ahead.
Train to THE COUNTRY TO Licktenstein. The globes and the sistas are flirting. Have I mentioned I love love love the train?? Boarder crossing at Shumwa or something like that. Gary and Mallory get a lame cab driver.
Roadblock. Using a motorized bicycle, a map and a measurer things, they have to measure the total length of the country. If you get it wrong, you have to do it again. Christ, my globes are gonna suck at this. This bike thing looks really dangerous.
Mallory "very quickly, fast fast fast please". Repeat this about 20 friggin annoying times. Speed bump. They need to calculate the proper ratio of gas to oil to run the bike thingy. 25 parts gas to 1 part of oil. They made it sound worse than it was. Took maybe 2 minutes. Remember the shave your head speedbump a couple years ago??
Rut Ro, the Sistas map just flew out of her pocket. Freak girl can't read a map. Justin gets it right first. Sista hears him, checks with him and she gets it right too. Jet comes up with the wrong number and has to go back and do it again.
Bus/train to the Alps. Zermat, Switzerland. Which is also a country I believe. Another beautiful European train!!!
Wow, the sistas and Zev/Justin just told flight time the answer. Flight time tells Gary too. Wow, freak girl got it right on her own!! Jet gets it right the second time.
Detour. Zermat is a ski town for rich people. Cheese fondue or Wheeze. Eat a big pot of fondue or deliver 20 pieces of luggage from at least 5 hotels. Oh, I would PAY BIG MONEY to eat the cheese.
Sistas and Zevstin chose cheese. Sista "I'm not gonna be able to poop for a while". Sistas switch to the other task. Zevstin are still eating but debating. Zev powers through the cheese! Zev is not very fondue of the fondue. I love Zev.
Globes go for luggage. As do Gary/Mallory. Freaks are doing luggage too and bitching. He's like a little girl. There's a certain number of hotels they have to hit. And, I'm not sure the freaks are doing it right.
"C'mon Dad... C'mon Dad...C'mon Dad". God she is annoying.
Zevstin are dying finishing the cheese. Justin pukes. Zev looks like he's in a cheese coma. LOL. I could have eaten that in half the time. Gimme a spoon!!
Cowboys just show up and do the luggage. Zevstin finish! It took almost an hour. Next clue is to some fountain at Iderbautenbrunen. Or something like that. LOL. Zev is liking the goats. They chose to not uturn anyone. Travel to the Pitt Stop via an electric taxi. Sistas do not uturn.
Zevstin are team #1!! They keep making fondue jokes. They win a trip to the...somewhere warm. Sistas team 2.
Freaks finish. His candy ass is too tired to walk back so he sits in the luggage cart and she pulls him. Globes screw up one piece of luggage. Shit, they are also missing 2 tags.
Freaks don't uturn anyone. It's down to the cowboys and the globes... Freaks are team 3. Gallory are team 4. Little love fest between her and Phil. It's a foot race between cowboys and the globes. The globes uturn the cowboys. They eat the cheese and then are eliminated.
Bye bye Brokebacks. You will be missed.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Survivor Update: Craftsman Tool Promotional Episode
Sooo, Russell shuffles off to Redemption Island. "My whole tribe lost the challenge to get rid of me...Liars. Matt's a rookie, Ima take him out." Idiot Matt: "Russell, you're my favorite person". Russell: "Ima take it from him...my entire tribe is gonna come here. Ima gonna make them sleep out in the mud". Show of hands, who wants to work for Russell in the real world?? LIttle men with little dicks have little brains. (Bumper stickers ARE available).
On O: Phillip is sweeping. Rob: "He's weird. Who goes on Survivor wearing pink tighty whiteys with his stuff flipping out?" Phillip: "These kids don't understand me. I'm disadvantaged by the social game. I gotta show another side". LOL. I doubt he has another side.
On Z: Stephanie and Krista are stuck with "goobers" and are laying out on the beach. Ralph, back at camp away from these two tells the other 6 that he has the idol. "I got them captured to take me farther in the game".
Who wants to go witness the duel on Redemption?? Phillip and Kristina want to go. Phillip: "With my government background I can read the situation and get some good intel". For Z, Sarita and Ralph go.
Duel: Good VS Evil. Jeff is in medium blue. It's a domino challenge. Damn, I was really hoping for a spirograph-off.
Matt finished laying his dominoes first, He falls short and has to restack. Russell gives his a try and misses. It's a restacking race. And...Matt wins!!! Oh GLORY BE TO THE GOD OF DOMINOES. The pizza AND the puzzles.
Russell goes home. Ahhhhhh. He cries. "It's hard to be a professional quarterback with peewees on the team". Ralph takes offense at Russell’s remarks says, "I found the idol in 15 seconds". Sarita tells him "Don't do it" under her breath. He then says he faked it. Hmmm, lie or not? Russell is pleased that Ralph spilled the beans about his idol in front of everyone and asks Ralph to show him the idol. He refuses but CIA man, Phillip believes he has the idol. Russell gets in his final dig: "See Jeff, I get to remain in the game through Phillip and Kristina".
O: Rob declares it a beach day, because he wants time to look for the idol. He makes up a game called Royal Treatment. Then he tells everyone he's constipated to explain his long absences. About the time they ask, "Where's Rob??" he finds the idol.
Z: "Matt won". Ding Dong. Russell is gone, but Stephanie and Kristina are still team Russell.
O: Phillip tells Kristina not tell anyone that Ralph has the idol. She thinks he's a big wind bag. "I'm gonna let him dig his own grave".
Phillip pulls Rob and Grant aside, tells him he knows who on Z has the idol and what the alliances are. "Is that valuable enough information to keep Kristina in the game?" Rob is pissed. "Hey dumb ass, aren’t you in my alliance? Don’t you work for me?” Rob agrees to Phillip's face, and Phillip spills all. Rob and Grant realize he's untrustworthy and needs to go.
Tree mail. Teamwork and ruggedness, Trust. Julie: We need to win this challenge. Karma is against us.
Challenge. Jeff is in dark blue. It's a total CRAFTSMAN (co-marketing ding ding ding) tool use challenge. Build shit, and nail nails. It's also another clay tile discrimination challenge. Here's the actual instructions: "Both tribes will make their way over a balance beam where they will use a crow bar to open a crate and retrieve a shovel. The shovel will be then be used to dig to find an axe, which will be used to chop a log that will release a rope holding two saws. The saws will be used to cut through a wall releasing planks. The planks will be used to complete a ramp that will get the entire tribe to the top of a platform where they must hammer three nails to break three tiles. The final step is to put the toolbox containing all the tools used in the challenge on top of the table on the platform." Yes, it's the Shop Class final. Wanna know what you're playing for?? A Sears BBQ set and food.
Screw it, Team Z wins immunity due to Sasquatch's nailing skills. The get the food. Mike, the Iraq vet: "I'm so hungry I haven't thought about sex in 2 weeks". Ladies, now we know how to get out of sex. STOP COOKING!!. Ralph is sucking stuff out of his nails. GROSS ME THE HELL OUT.
Phillip calls a pre-tribal meeting. "I thought we did good. Anyone got anything they want to discuss??" Crickets.
Phillip is a total pain in the ass. The women all hate him. Kristina sees an opening and trash talks him. Kristina talks to Natalie. Says, "there must have been a clue when we won reward so someone must have the idol by now". This surprises Natalie, that Kristina is no longer looking for the clue. Natalie talks to Rob, who is glad they don't suspect him. "Hmm, does she maybe have it??" He thinks that even though Phillip is annoying as hell, Kristina is dangerous. "Let's send her home, but split the vote just in case she has the idol".
Ashley and Grant take a walk, Ashley vents about Phillip. Grant agrees he is a total lose cannon. He talks to Rob but Rob still thinks Kristina needs to go first. "I just hope these people stay in line". Phillip talks to Rob. Rob tells him Kristina, which pissed Phillip off. He thinks Rob is not a man of his word and "I need to be prepared to make my move".
Tribal. Medium Blue. Meh.
Kristina, are you on the hotseat? Yes. I started off on the wrong side of the numbers. Hopes for a second chance.
Natalie: Second chances are great
Grant: People can get a second chance
Rob: Is it too late?
Kristina thinks people should vote the most disruptive person off
Phillip: I'm a doer. Kristina is disruptive
It's obviously Kristina vs Phillip.
Phillip goes on a rant. I have a tribe history. Says some shit about a Shephard Stamp, a dead mom...a medal...some shit. I'm better than Kristina.
Kristina: I'm a valuable member, smart and trustworthy.
She's also the next person voted off Survivor and onto Redemption Island.
On O: Phillip is sweeping. Rob: "He's weird. Who goes on Survivor wearing pink tighty whiteys with his stuff flipping out?" Phillip: "These kids don't understand me. I'm disadvantaged by the social game. I gotta show another side". LOL. I doubt he has another side.
On Z: Stephanie and Krista are stuck with "goobers" and are laying out on the beach. Ralph, back at camp away from these two tells the other 6 that he has the idol. "I got them captured to take me farther in the game".
Who wants to go witness the duel on Redemption?? Phillip and Kristina want to go. Phillip: "With my government background I can read the situation and get some good intel". For Z, Sarita and Ralph go.
Duel: Good VS Evil. Jeff is in medium blue. It's a domino challenge. Damn, I was really hoping for a spirograph-off.
Matt finished laying his dominoes first, He falls short and has to restack. Russell gives his a try and misses. It's a restacking race. And...Matt wins!!! Oh GLORY BE TO THE GOD OF DOMINOES. The pizza AND the puzzles.
Russell goes home. Ahhhhhh. He cries. "It's hard to be a professional quarterback with peewees on the team". Ralph takes offense at Russell’s remarks says, "I found the idol in 15 seconds". Sarita tells him "Don't do it" under her breath. He then says he faked it. Hmmm, lie or not? Russell is pleased that Ralph spilled the beans about his idol in front of everyone and asks Ralph to show him the idol. He refuses but CIA man, Phillip believes he has the idol. Russell gets in his final dig: "See Jeff, I get to remain in the game through Phillip and Kristina".
O: Rob declares it a beach day, because he wants time to look for the idol. He makes up a game called Royal Treatment. Then he tells everyone he's constipated to explain his long absences. About the time they ask, "Where's Rob??" he finds the idol.
Z: "Matt won". Ding Dong. Russell is gone, but Stephanie and Kristina are still team Russell.
O: Phillip tells Kristina not tell anyone that Ralph has the idol. She thinks he's a big wind bag. "I'm gonna let him dig his own grave".
Phillip pulls Rob and Grant aside, tells him he knows who on Z has the idol and what the alliances are. "Is that valuable enough information to keep Kristina in the game?" Rob is pissed. "Hey dumb ass, aren’t you in my alliance? Don’t you work for me?” Rob agrees to Phillip's face, and Phillip spills all. Rob and Grant realize he's untrustworthy and needs to go.
Tree mail. Teamwork and ruggedness, Trust. Julie: We need to win this challenge. Karma is against us.
Challenge. Jeff is in dark blue. It's a total CRAFTSMAN (co-marketing ding ding ding) tool use challenge. Build shit, and nail nails. It's also another clay tile discrimination challenge. Here's the actual instructions: "Both tribes will make their way over a balance beam where they will use a crow bar to open a crate and retrieve a shovel. The shovel will be then be used to dig to find an axe, which will be used to chop a log that will release a rope holding two saws. The saws will be used to cut through a wall releasing planks. The planks will be used to complete a ramp that will get the entire tribe to the top of a platform where they must hammer three nails to break three tiles. The final step is to put the toolbox containing all the tools used in the challenge on top of the table on the platform." Yes, it's the Shop Class final. Wanna know what you're playing for?? A Sears BBQ set and food.
Screw it, Team Z wins immunity due to Sasquatch's nailing skills. The get the food. Mike, the Iraq vet: "I'm so hungry I haven't thought about sex in 2 weeks". Ladies, now we know how to get out of sex. STOP COOKING!!. Ralph is sucking stuff out of his nails. GROSS ME THE HELL OUT.
Phillip calls a pre-tribal meeting. "I thought we did good. Anyone got anything they want to discuss??" Crickets.
Phillip is a total pain in the ass. The women all hate him. Kristina sees an opening and trash talks him. Kristina talks to Natalie. Says, "there must have been a clue when we won reward so someone must have the idol by now". This surprises Natalie, that Kristina is no longer looking for the clue. Natalie talks to Rob, who is glad they don't suspect him. "Hmm, does she maybe have it??" He thinks that even though Phillip is annoying as hell, Kristina is dangerous. "Let's send her home, but split the vote just in case she has the idol".
Ashley and Grant take a walk, Ashley vents about Phillip. Grant agrees he is a total lose cannon. He talks to Rob but Rob still thinks Kristina needs to go first. "I just hope these people stay in line". Phillip talks to Rob. Rob tells him Kristina, which pissed Phillip off. He thinks Rob is not a man of his word and "I need to be prepared to make my move".
Tribal. Medium Blue. Meh.
Kristina, are you on the hotseat? Yes. I started off on the wrong side of the numbers. Hopes for a second chance.
Natalie: Second chances are great
Grant: People can get a second chance
Rob: Is it too late?
Kristina thinks people should vote the most disruptive person off
Phillip: I'm a doer. Kristina is disruptive
It's obviously Kristina vs Phillip.
Phillip goes on a rant. I have a tribe history. Says some shit about a Shephard Stamp, a dead mom...a medal...some shit. I'm better than Kristina.
Kristina: I'm a valuable member, smart and trustworthy.
She's also the next person voted off Survivor and onto Redemption Island.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Survivor Update: Ding Dong the Witch is Dead...Maybe
Soooo, we finally get to see some action at Redemption Island. Matt shows up, with none of his stuff since he was so damn sure it wasn't gonna be him. Francesca: "Dude, what the hell are you doing here?? Why wasn't it Phillip??" "Rob is a scoundrel."
Back on O, Rob is all happy. Phillip was a good soldier and Kristina used her idol. "Phillip, you're now in the alliance". "Tomorrow I have to get Andrea back on our side..."
Redemption tree mail: Follow the path to the arena for a duel. Loser goes home for good. On Z and O, the get messages that each tribe can send 2 representatives, chosen by colored marbles. For Z, it's Steve and Dave. For, O it's Ashley and Andrea. Rob's not happy with Andrea getting to see Matt.
Redemption Duel: Jeff is in dark blue. Andrea yells out, "I didn't vote for either of you two". It's an old challenge. They're behind a "wall" of cheap Home Depot bamboo sticks, and they have to build a a pole to get 3 keys and open 3 locks.
Francesca gets her pole going really fast and gets key #1. Matt's stick falls apart. Francesca gets key #2, Matt's stick falls apart. Francesca's stick isn't long enough to get the last key and it falls apart. Matt gets his shit together and gets key 1 and 2. One key left for each of them, and Matt wins. Matt stays alive and Francesca is the first person off this season.
The girls return to O camp telling them that Matt is really pissed off, but they didn't get to talk to him.
Rob talks to Andrea. "I'm sorry...It wasn't just me, 4 people did it. You're still in our alliance". Andrea: "It's smart for me to stay part of the alliance but I don't trust them....(she cries) they sent my only friend away". Oh jeebus.
Over on Z: "The black chick won and the blonde kid left". They want Russell to think he has to fight "the black chick" so he's surprised when he gets there an it's Matt.
Russell: It's 6-3, I gotta find the idol. Ralph, aka Sasquatch is watching him look. "This is not Russell's game no more".
They can't find the idol, so Stephanie suggests they make a fake one and pretend she has it in her bag. She's all acting like her bag is suddenly filled with gold bars, and Steve notices. Russell: "I tell them what to do and they do it for me". Ugh.
Ok, WTF. Apparently prior to Survivor Russell shaved his armpits and now he has a big old rash. God I hope he shaved his balls too. "He's just sitting in his tent all day with his concubines". Great line!! Steve wants him gone. "Would it make sense to throw a challenge and get rid of him?? Most people are good with that but Julie is torn. What if O starts getting on a roll and they just gave up a person? Steve: "If I give a thumbs up, we're throwing the challenge". Usually I am totally against this, but not this season!!
Challenge: Jeff is in Light Blue. It's the waterboarding challenge again. 3 people are strapped to a wheel, they are rotated into water where they fill up their mouths and then spit in a funnel. Once it fills up, they do a puzzle on the atrocities at Abu Graib. Wanna know what you're playing for?? Chairs, pillows, blankets, lanterns...and immunity. Z decides to throw it. Sarita and Sasquatch sit out, and Julie is not happy.
O gets to the puzzle first. You have to build a maze and run a ball through. Rob is the puzzle master. David is doing the puzzle for Z, or rather he is just staring at it like it's too hard for him to even begin it. Rob wins.
Russell: "If I didn't know any better I'd think they threw the challenge. I'm dealing with a bunch of bitches".
O. Rob thinks there is probably a clue to a re hidden idol somewhere on the new stuff. Everyone is looking for it. He looks at one of the chairs but then sees Phillip napping in the other one. "Dude, you're breaking the chair with your fat ass...get up". Phillip moves to the first chair and Rob finds the clue. "Let me go put a new screw in this chair..." Phillip just keeps napping. It's a real vague clue.
Z: Julie wants to know what the plan is. We split the votes 3-3 between Russell and Stephanie. Russell tells his concubines it is stupid to throw a challenge. They need to flip someone. He sends Stephanie to talk to Julie. Julie says, "I'd like my chances better with someone who has been here before..." Russell tells her, "I got your back. They pick Ralph to vote off. "This would be the biggest move ever".
Tribal-Jeff is in Dark Blue. YES. Be right there darling!! I'll bring the quarters for the magic fingers bed!
Ralph: Fist time at tribal? It's good and bad. There are 2 teams on our tribe
Steve: 6 solid, and 3 not solid
Sarita: I think the problem is Russell and his legacy. He came in and gave a fancy speech that he has changed, and it's not the case.
Russell: I'm not playing that game. It felt like people threw the challenge today
Mike: It's true, we didn't go 100% today. We've got some fat to trim.
Julie: I'd rather we merge with the numbers
Stephanie is just a bitch. "The majority of the tribe forget that Russell is important"
Steve: We did not throw the challenge.
On and on. Stephanie is just a crazy nasty bitch!!
They vote. What will Julie do??? She comes through and it's a 3 way tie. No idol. They revote. Russell is voted off!! Yay!!!
"I'll be back...be ready"
Stephanie to Julie: "The storms a coming."
Russell: "I'm pissed. I wanted to bitch slap every one of them".
Getting good!!!
Back on O, Rob is all happy. Phillip was a good soldier and Kristina used her idol. "Phillip, you're now in the alliance". "Tomorrow I have to get Andrea back on our side..."
Redemption tree mail: Follow the path to the arena for a duel. Loser goes home for good. On Z and O, the get messages that each tribe can send 2 representatives, chosen by colored marbles. For Z, it's Steve and Dave. For, O it's Ashley and Andrea. Rob's not happy with Andrea getting to see Matt.
Redemption Duel: Jeff is in dark blue. Andrea yells out, "I didn't vote for either of you two". It's an old challenge. They're behind a "wall" of cheap Home Depot bamboo sticks, and they have to build a a pole to get 3 keys and open 3 locks.
Francesca gets her pole going really fast and gets key #1. Matt's stick falls apart. Francesca gets key #2, Matt's stick falls apart. Francesca's stick isn't long enough to get the last key and it falls apart. Matt gets his shit together and gets key 1 and 2. One key left for each of them, and Matt wins. Matt stays alive and Francesca is the first person off this season.
The girls return to O camp telling them that Matt is really pissed off, but they didn't get to talk to him.
Rob talks to Andrea. "I'm sorry...It wasn't just me, 4 people did it. You're still in our alliance". Andrea: "It's smart for me to stay part of the alliance but I don't trust them....(she cries) they sent my only friend away". Oh jeebus.
Over on Z: "The black chick won and the blonde kid left". They want Russell to think he has to fight "the black chick" so he's surprised when he gets there an it's Matt.
Russell: It's 6-3, I gotta find the idol. Ralph, aka Sasquatch is watching him look. "This is not Russell's game no more".
They can't find the idol, so Stephanie suggests they make a fake one and pretend she has it in her bag. She's all acting like her bag is suddenly filled with gold bars, and Steve notices. Russell: "I tell them what to do and they do it for me". Ugh.
Ok, WTF. Apparently prior to Survivor Russell shaved his armpits and now he has a big old rash. God I hope he shaved his balls too. "He's just sitting in his tent all day with his concubines". Great line!! Steve wants him gone. "Would it make sense to throw a challenge and get rid of him?? Most people are good with that but Julie is torn. What if O starts getting on a roll and they just gave up a person? Steve: "If I give a thumbs up, we're throwing the challenge". Usually I am totally against this, but not this season!!
Challenge: Jeff is in Light Blue. It's the waterboarding challenge again. 3 people are strapped to a wheel, they are rotated into water where they fill up their mouths and then spit in a funnel. Once it fills up, they do a puzzle on the atrocities at Abu Graib. Wanna know what you're playing for?? Chairs, pillows, blankets, lanterns...and immunity. Z decides to throw it. Sarita and Sasquatch sit out, and Julie is not happy.
O gets to the puzzle first. You have to build a maze and run a ball through. Rob is the puzzle master. David is doing the puzzle for Z, or rather he is just staring at it like it's too hard for him to even begin it. Rob wins.
Russell: "If I didn't know any better I'd think they threw the challenge. I'm dealing with a bunch of bitches".
O. Rob thinks there is probably a clue to a re hidden idol somewhere on the new stuff. Everyone is looking for it. He looks at one of the chairs but then sees Phillip napping in the other one. "Dude, you're breaking the chair with your fat ass...get up". Phillip moves to the first chair and Rob finds the clue. "Let me go put a new screw in this chair..." Phillip just keeps napping. It's a real vague clue.
Z: Julie wants to know what the plan is. We split the votes 3-3 between Russell and Stephanie. Russell tells his concubines it is stupid to throw a challenge. They need to flip someone. He sends Stephanie to talk to Julie. Julie says, "I'd like my chances better with someone who has been here before..." Russell tells her, "I got your back. They pick Ralph to vote off. "This would be the biggest move ever".
Tribal-Jeff is in Dark Blue. YES. Be right there darling!! I'll bring the quarters for the magic fingers bed!
Ralph: Fist time at tribal? It's good and bad. There are 2 teams on our tribe
Steve: 6 solid, and 3 not solid
Sarita: I think the problem is Russell and his legacy. He came in and gave a fancy speech that he has changed, and it's not the case.
Russell: I'm not playing that game. It felt like people threw the challenge today
Mike: It's true, we didn't go 100% today. We've got some fat to trim.
Julie: I'd rather we merge with the numbers
Stephanie is just a bitch. "The majority of the tribe forget that Russell is important"
Steve: We did not throw the challenge.
On and on. Stephanie is just a crazy nasty bitch!!
They vote. What will Julie do??? She comes through and it's a 3 way tie. No idol. They revote. Russell is voted off!! Yay!!!
"I'll be back...be ready"
Stephanie to Julie: "The storms a coming."
Russell: "I'm pissed. I wanted to bitch slap every one of them".
Getting good!!!
Monday, March 7, 2011
Bachelor: Fear and Loathing
First up, this week is the return of the bitching Ho's. I usually don't blog that craziness BUT I would consider it for a couple of donations to my 3Day Walk. Show me some love, people!!
So, we're all in South Africa. Which is really nice, and all cute fuzzy animals. No apartheid, no Nelson Mandela, no white rule. Just cute fuzzy animals as far as Brad and the womens are concerned. Final 3: Ashley, Emily and Chantel, which rhymes with clientele and always makes me think of Fergie.
This week Brad wants to "talk" to all of the womens on an intimate level. Intimate is the word of the week. Intimate, intimate, intimate. As if Brad would know intimate if it bit him on the balls, and he sent that woman home already.
He has a "strong connection" with these 3 ladies. There is an EASE with Chantel, although their ride has been a "roller coaster" because she actually has emotions. Ashley has "so much to offer (aka a steady dentist paycheck), they are comfortable except when Ashely has questions and insecurities about me dry humping several other womens. Speedbumps, he calls them. Are speedbumps better or worse than roller coasters? Emily is "one in a million". LMFAO. Yes, dumb blondes incapable of holding even a modest conversation really are hard to find, Brad. He's a much better person with her...she makes him giddy. He wants a "sweet" woman but this one has an intimidating past.
It's overnight date week. He's excited. He's also "terrified of being alone, but I've made enough changes to not end up alone. One of these womens will be my wife". Uhuh. I got $20 says that ain't never happening.
First date is with Chantel in Sabi Sands. It's a safari date. Baby monkeys, Chantel reliving telling Brads he lurves him. They meet and hug. Get in the open air safari bus. "I'm here looking at the bush with a beautiful woman". hmmmm. Ooh, Lions! MAUL THEM, MAUL THEM!!! Brad really wanted to see lions and ABC managed to drug a couple and lay them out in the bush. Ooh, Giraffe. "That is a pretty animal...This is his home". Brad is a freaking genius. Elephants, zebra, African music playing, rhinos. Picnic time. The guide leads them to the river holding a shotgun. So you know it's dangerous. LOL. Now Brad is off on his fear/danger relationship building test bullshit. WTF??
They eat their picnic lunch with a hippo. The overcoming fear bullshit she says is a metaphore for their relationship. Brad: "I miss your family...how's their money doing?" blah blah blah. Really, it's all bullshit. "We're weeks away from something that could change our lives".
Dinner, outside. Chantel: "I want to meet your family". He gets kinda weird. "I get all intense about family. Ooh, should I say this? I'm the most comfortable around you. I like that side of me around you (didn't he say the same about Ashley 5 minutes ago??) My heart is open". Chantel: "Let's get married now" "Would you do that??" "I take the engagement seriously, and if I'm going to get engaged I mean to get married". "I like that about you, the spontenaity...I need that in my life".
The Chris Harrison date shag card arrives. She reads it, "Let's go!!" What happens in the fantasy suite stays in the fantasy suite. Theirs is a real treehouse. Out in the open with apparently no plumbing. Yea, my fantasy too. I wonder what kind of mosquito born diseases you can get in South Africa??
Date 2 is Emily. Ugh, I am dreading this one. They meet, big hug. "Hang on, I need to get something..." He leaves her and then comes riding in on an elephant. "It's my dream...it's like the lion king only better". Brad, if you marry her you will get to watch The Lion King (Disney Productions, DING) 25,000 times in the next 2 years. "Ricky would love the baby elephants". Brad: "I miss your daughter". Mostly because he is way more into the kid than her, like most gay men are. "Does she understand what it means if we spend more time together?" "I dunno, she's kind of stupid like me. I'm ready to find out. Are you?" Brad, with all the swagger of a man who has never spent 30 minutes with a child, "I'm ready". "I'd never ask you to a MOVIE unless you knew I saw you as a packaged deal".
Big hug and kiss. Brad: "The conversation was perfect." What an idiot.
Dinner. He's nervous, she's falling in lurve. Emily: "I'm focusing on my relationship with you but, the other women are bugging me." "I'm ready for this to be over. Don't question anything about me. I'm excited about you, Ricky and me".
Fantasy shag card. This is why he is nervous. "I'm a mom, and I want to set a good example for her. Like by going on this ho-bag show to find a man....BUT I want to shag you in private, but slowly so nobody at home knows I slept with you". They go to the suite. It's kinda boring after the tree house. She tells him she's falling in lurve with him. "I didn't expect that at all". He tells her he's falling in lurve with her too. "He makes me the happiest person on the world...Brad is the right person for me."
Let me say, right now, before we go to Ashley's date. If he DOES NOT chose Emily, and has been stringing her along he is going to have to move to Libya to live in a country where he is not the most hated man.
Date 3: Ashley. After meeting her family, I have questions. They meet and go to a helicopter. She freaks out. Not in a good way. She is terrified. It's her biggest fear, and we know he likes that. She's terrified but they take off in the helicopter. Hey, my husband won me by NOT making me do shit I didn't want to do. Exhibit A: camping.
"Africa is a large land filed with exotic animals". Zzzzzz. They go to God's window, which is just a rock in the mountains, and picnic. I also think he likes his women to face their fears of peeing outside.
"I love your family". Brad: "Where do you want to live?" She actually gives a real answer, not the expected "wherever you want to live daaarling. "I don't know, near people I love." He doesn't like that answer. Brad: "You are so driven. Can you allow yourself to live a life while you are trying to succeed?" Again, she gives a complex answer to the complex question, "It's a good question I ask myself. I want to be a good dentist, to keep current, I want to go to conferences." Brad tells her "You remind me of myself at your age....like becoming a dentist is totally relatable to opening a couple of bars in Texas...I wonder if I could have had more balance in my life". "We would have been in the same place 10 years ago". The date goes downhill from here. Brad:" We've never talked about meshing our lives together". Hmmm, he is looking for a reason to ditch her.
Dinner. "I have more questions than before". Jeez. She thinks they are on a path moving forward and this has been good deep conversation. Which would be a positive for anyone other than Brad, who has no interest in deep. Ashley:" It was a very cool day...you made me think. I think we want the same things but I didn't communicate to you what I meant." Brad:" We've never talked about our future together...When I asked you where you wanted to live, you never mentioned Austin". He is so not into her anymore. "Why are we spending so much time reassuring each other??" "You're looking for someone who will easily fit into your life".
She's pissed, and just eating. Brad: "I'm happy to be here." Ashley:" I had no idea you had so many concerns". Fantasy suite card. Good timing. She wants to go. "I'm glad you're here...kiss". It could not be more awkward. "We're totally off our game..."
Rose Ceremony time! Brad chats with Chris. This is the most difficult rose ceremony. Ashley and I had a difficult date. We both shut down. I know what my decision should be but I have to talk to Ashley first.
Rose ceremony. Ashely looks like she ate her way through the mini bar, and is squeezed into an awful brown dress. Brad clears his throat 10 times. "Ashley can we talk?" He walks her half way out the door. "Our date sucked, I'm sorry. I'm shocked that our relationship went so bad". "Me too, what happened?" Brad:" I came loaded with questions and I backed you into a corner." "Why do we have problems??" "I don't know if I can fit into your life."
"I need to tell you goodbye". Wow, it really is that brusque. "I'm confident in the decision, so let me walk you out". Me yelling at the teevee "YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER ASHLEY!!! LET EMILY SETTLE FOR THIS IDIOT".
"Things can change so quickly". Not really, Brad. Not if it's real. Maybe your therapist can explain that to you.
He comes back, mumbles something about Ashley. Scratches his ear for about 5 minutes, them gives out the 2 roses. Emily is all confident and cocky.
In 2 weeks, it's off to Capetown to meet his family. They don't live in Capetown, but they insisted if they have to do this "meet Brad's possible wife" nonsense, they wanted a free trip too.
So, we're all in South Africa. Which is really nice, and all cute fuzzy animals. No apartheid, no Nelson Mandela, no white rule. Just cute fuzzy animals as far as Brad and the womens are concerned. Final 3: Ashley, Emily and Chantel, which rhymes with clientele and always makes me think of Fergie.
This week Brad wants to "talk" to all of the womens on an intimate level. Intimate is the word of the week. Intimate, intimate, intimate. As if Brad would know intimate if it bit him on the balls, and he sent that woman home already.
He has a "strong connection" with these 3 ladies. There is an EASE with Chantel, although their ride has been a "roller coaster" because she actually has emotions. Ashley has "so much to offer (aka a steady dentist paycheck), they are comfortable except when Ashely has questions and insecurities about me dry humping several other womens. Speedbumps, he calls them. Are speedbumps better or worse than roller coasters? Emily is "one in a million". LMFAO. Yes, dumb blondes incapable of holding even a modest conversation really are hard to find, Brad. He's a much better person with her...she makes him giddy. He wants a "sweet" woman but this one has an intimidating past.
It's overnight date week. He's excited. He's also "terrified of being alone, but I've made enough changes to not end up alone. One of these womens will be my wife". Uhuh. I got $20 says that ain't never happening.
First date is with Chantel in Sabi Sands. It's a safari date. Baby monkeys, Chantel reliving telling Brads he lurves him. They meet and hug. Get in the open air safari bus. "I'm here looking at the bush with a beautiful woman". hmmmm. Ooh, Lions! MAUL THEM, MAUL THEM!!! Brad really wanted to see lions and ABC managed to drug a couple and lay them out in the bush. Ooh, Giraffe. "That is a pretty animal...This is his home". Brad is a freaking genius. Elephants, zebra, African music playing, rhinos. Picnic time. The guide leads them to the river holding a shotgun. So you know it's dangerous. LOL. Now Brad is off on his fear/danger relationship building test bullshit. WTF??
They eat their picnic lunch with a hippo. The overcoming fear bullshit she says is a metaphore for their relationship. Brad: "I miss your family...how's their money doing?" blah blah blah. Really, it's all bullshit. "We're weeks away from something that could change our lives".
Dinner, outside. Chantel: "I want to meet your family". He gets kinda weird. "I get all intense about family. Ooh, should I say this? I'm the most comfortable around you. I like that side of me around you (didn't he say the same about Ashley 5 minutes ago??) My heart is open". Chantel: "Let's get married now" "Would you do that??" "I take the engagement seriously, and if I'm going to get engaged I mean to get married". "I like that about you, the spontenaity...I need that in my life".
The Chris Harrison date shag card arrives. She reads it, "Let's go!!" What happens in the fantasy suite stays in the fantasy suite. Theirs is a real treehouse. Out in the open with apparently no plumbing. Yea, my fantasy too. I wonder what kind of mosquito born diseases you can get in South Africa??
Date 2 is Emily. Ugh, I am dreading this one. They meet, big hug. "Hang on, I need to get something..." He leaves her and then comes riding in on an elephant. "It's my dream...it's like the lion king only better". Brad, if you marry her you will get to watch The Lion King (Disney Productions, DING) 25,000 times in the next 2 years. "Ricky would love the baby elephants". Brad: "I miss your daughter". Mostly because he is way more into the kid than her, like most gay men are. "Does she understand what it means if we spend more time together?" "I dunno, she's kind of stupid like me. I'm ready to find out. Are you?" Brad, with all the swagger of a man who has never spent 30 minutes with a child, "I'm ready". "I'd never ask you to a MOVIE unless you knew I saw you as a packaged deal".
Big hug and kiss. Brad: "The conversation was perfect." What an idiot.
Dinner. He's nervous, she's falling in lurve. Emily: "I'm focusing on my relationship with you but, the other women are bugging me." "I'm ready for this to be over. Don't question anything about me. I'm excited about you, Ricky and me".
Fantasy shag card. This is why he is nervous. "I'm a mom, and I want to set a good example for her. Like by going on this ho-bag show to find a man....BUT I want to shag you in private, but slowly so nobody at home knows I slept with you". They go to the suite. It's kinda boring after the tree house. She tells him she's falling in lurve with him. "I didn't expect that at all". He tells her he's falling in lurve with her too. "He makes me the happiest person on the world...Brad is the right person for me."
Let me say, right now, before we go to Ashley's date. If he DOES NOT chose Emily, and has been stringing her along he is going to have to move to Libya to live in a country where he is not the most hated man.
Date 3: Ashley. After meeting her family, I have questions. They meet and go to a helicopter. She freaks out. Not in a good way. She is terrified. It's her biggest fear, and we know he likes that. She's terrified but they take off in the helicopter. Hey, my husband won me by NOT making me do shit I didn't want to do. Exhibit A: camping.
"Africa is a large land filed with exotic animals". Zzzzzz. They go to God's window, which is just a rock in the mountains, and picnic. I also think he likes his women to face their fears of peeing outside.
"I love your family". Brad: "Where do you want to live?" She actually gives a real answer, not the expected "wherever you want to live daaarling. "I don't know, near people I love." He doesn't like that answer. Brad: "You are so driven. Can you allow yourself to live a life while you are trying to succeed?" Again, she gives a complex answer to the complex question, "It's a good question I ask myself. I want to be a good dentist, to keep current, I want to go to conferences." Brad tells her "You remind me of myself at your age....like becoming a dentist is totally relatable to opening a couple of bars in Texas...I wonder if I could have had more balance in my life". "We would have been in the same place 10 years ago". The date goes downhill from here. Brad:" We've never talked about meshing our lives together". Hmmm, he is looking for a reason to ditch her.
Dinner. "I have more questions than before". Jeez. She thinks they are on a path moving forward and this has been good deep conversation. Which would be a positive for anyone other than Brad, who has no interest in deep. Ashley:" It was a very cool day...you made me think. I think we want the same things but I didn't communicate to you what I meant." Brad:" We've never talked about our future together...When I asked you where you wanted to live, you never mentioned Austin". He is so not into her anymore. "Why are we spending so much time reassuring each other??" "You're looking for someone who will easily fit into your life".
She's pissed, and just eating. Brad: "I'm happy to be here." Ashley:" I had no idea you had so many concerns". Fantasy suite card. Good timing. She wants to go. "I'm glad you're here...kiss". It could not be more awkward. "We're totally off our game..."
Rose Ceremony time! Brad chats with Chris. This is the most difficult rose ceremony. Ashley and I had a difficult date. We both shut down. I know what my decision should be but I have to talk to Ashley first.
Rose ceremony. Ashely looks like she ate her way through the mini bar, and is squeezed into an awful brown dress. Brad clears his throat 10 times. "Ashley can we talk?" He walks her half way out the door. "Our date sucked, I'm sorry. I'm shocked that our relationship went so bad". "Me too, what happened?" Brad:" I came loaded with questions and I backed you into a corner." "Why do we have problems??" "I don't know if I can fit into your life."
"I need to tell you goodbye". Wow, it really is that brusque. "I'm confident in the decision, so let me walk you out". Me yelling at the teevee "YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER ASHLEY!!! LET EMILY SETTLE FOR THIS IDIOT".
"Things can change so quickly". Not really, Brad. Not if it's real. Maybe your therapist can explain that to you.
He comes back, mumbles something about Ashley. Scratches his ear for about 5 minutes, them gives out the 2 roses. Emily is all confident and cocky.
In 2 weeks, it's off to Capetown to meet his family. They don't live in Capetown, but they insisted if they have to do this "meet Brad's possible wife" nonsense, they wanted a free trip too.
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