Yo Yo Yo!!! How are y'all? Welcome back to Survivor. I'm Elayne Baker and I'm writing this while hanging out of a helicopter being just so damn cool in my lands end cargo pants and my Shore to Sea water shoes! And, of course, my BLUE SHIRT. Dayum, that shirt is gonna end up in the Smithsonian some day. And I'm going to go down and light a candle every morning for my lover.
But enough about me (as if!), 2 tribes, living together, ONE WORLD, with "no rules". Hey, do they ever say where this place is?
The 18 survivors and future hosts of The View are driven in in a truck. Come on out! Bang, here's Colton, our lime green wearing gay diva. And we have Greg who prefers to be called Tarzan. Hey, wait just a damn minute, I'm TROYzan, there can't be 2 pathetic old men on this show!
2 tribes, men vs women. Men's tribe is called Manono. Women's tribe is not called WOMANONO, but Salani which must be what the indigenous people call their whoo haaas.
Tribes now get to take all the equipment off the truck. Girls throwing their shit on one side, boys throwing shit on the other side and Michael stealing from the women. Michael is a banker, so it's just another damn day at Bank of America for him!
This season, there are hidden immunity idols but NO REDEMPTION. Thank you JESUS. Jeff sends them off in 2 different directions but they are headed to the same beach.
Kourtney is wearing a cute little whale hat. I just had to comment. We also have Greg (Tarzan) who is a plastic surgeon and a little dwarf named Leif. He's "a buff little dude".
Alicia is a tough assed special ed teacher. She assesses things and decides the 5 person alliance is herself, Kim, Chelsea, Sabrina and Kat.
Once they get to the beach, it's all just crazy time. First up, there are chickens running around so everyone takes off chasing them (how do they know there are never going to be chickens in ridiculous abundance running around)? Someone yells, "let's work together and split the chickens". Kim, who is one tough bridal shop owner grabs 2 with her bare hands. And then the women try to negotiate with the men for the chicken. Which totally misses off Matt, although I get the impression EVERYTHING is gonna piss off Matt.
The men are on a massive build shelter thing, walking around topless carrying poles and shit. Colton is just sitting on a log wishing had finished his sex change operation and could be on the girls team. He is one miserable little izod wearing man. He keeps heading over to hang with the women, Sabrina calls him Country Club Colton. Matt isn't a Colton fan. Matt is a big fan of sitting talking to the camera with his legs spread real real wide. Like there's junk in his pants that needs a LOT of room to breathe.
There is already a "frat boy alliance", consisting of Matt, Mike, "Jbird" and Bill. That whole Jbird thing is on my nerves already. Matt tells Colton if he's useful as a runner between the 2 groups he "might get to stay". Colton goes to the women and asks them for help-like sharing an idol clue or something.
The men get fire. It's still day 1 but the girls are all like nuts. They keep going over to negotiate with the men for fire and shelter help. It's pissing me off big time and it's pissing the men off. Sabrina offers fire for a chicken. Tarzan says, "we're not charmed by you". Troyzan doesn't need no chicken. Tarzan does offer to build the little women a pole for naked pole dancing. Seriously, later in the night a couple of the girls go over in their push up bras and ask if 'we can just sit by the fire and get to know y'all". That would be a no. Monica and Christina go over later and steal fire, but it dies. Finally, the next day Christina makes a deal that 2 women will weave fronds in exchange for a fire pit. This pisses Alicia off. Seriously, I think Alicia's special item is a switchblade.
Sabina finds an idol BUT, it's a boy only idol and she has to give it away before the next tribal. So much for no rules! She tells Colton who is pissing himself he's so thrilled.
Challenge: Jump off a 25 ft tower onto a new, walk across a balance beam and do something else. "It's a big drop so keep your hands in and fall on your back". I'll just skip to the chase on this one. Kourtney falls hard on her wrist, and is pretty hurt. She gets to the next stop but sits down dizzy. Jeff stops the challenge and medical comes in. They take Kourtney off for an xray. Technically the game is over and the men have won but Jeff offers then the chance to do a good will offering and finish the challenge at a later time. They say NO EFFING WAY. More bad blood between the sexes. The women are going to tribal tonight.
Sabrina talks to Colton, Tells him there is the frat boy alliance and the other 4 lesser frat boys in an alliance and he's basically the swing vote. He needs to take out the strong men first in order to save his ass. She also gives him the idol. "I love you, I love you too". GAG.
Sabrina tells the other women that even if Kourtney comes back into the game, she should go anyway. Alicia is still mad at Christina and wants her out.
Tribal. Jeff is still in Blue.
Alicia: I'm glad because I prefer the company of women.
Kat: Everyone has a role in camp. I'm in charge of fire.
Christina: I made a deal for fire
Alicia:NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO a shady deal for fire went down.
Christina: You're wrong so just shut up. (OH NO SHE DIDNT). We got fire and a better pit than we could have built.
Chelsea: Yes, Jeff, we are a totally disorganized mess of hell with no leadership. Thank you for pointing out the obvious. But, we're women so it's ok.
Monica: We have no leader. We just chase the next shiny object all day long. Oh look, SQUIRREL!!
Jeff: It's not funny! You have no structure and the guys are watching it all play out!
Jeff: So, Kourtney is OK but she has a broken wrist in a couple of places and needs surgery. She's out. No one else goes home tonight. The good news is, it's only day 3. The bad news is, there are 36 days left. Namaste.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Friday, December 16, 2011
Oh Holy Survivor
Oh FOR CHRIST SAKE. Literally. I'm starting to wonder if 1) CBS is going out of their way to chose religious nutjobs as an attempt to make this show more about religion than survival or if 2) excessive hunger and body odor makes one become a religious nut job. Either way, IT IS GOD DAMN ANNOYING.
So this week Albert wakes up a little bit to the whole Survivor game thing, and realizes just letting Coach pull him around by the short hairs might in fact NOT be a good strategy. He decides he should be worried about Sophie. Maybe so, but you should also be worried that Coach is living in some Lord of the Rings fantasy and believes he needs to beat his nemesis, Ozzy, in order to find redemption. I can't wait until the reunion show when people have seen him basically promising Oz the second spot.
Albert talks to Rick, because well, talking to Rick is like talking to the back end of a cow. Albert has his own fantasy of Oz coming back to the game and him beating him, then taking Coach and Rick to the final 3, "I feel like I have been the most aggressive player trying to garner jury votes and position myself to win one million dollars and go home the sole survivor.” Man, what season have I been watching??
Challenge: Ozzy and Edna. Yea, this is gonna be hard... it's a slide a puzzle, remove a hatched, get puzzle pieces kinda thang. Ozzy kicks ass on the puzzle even with the tribe helping out Edna. It comes down to the puzzle but of course Oz has too big of a lead on Edna and he beats her. King of the Misfits!!
So it's now every man for him or herself on the island. Albert is getting tired of the whole honor and integrity thing. Brandon tells him they're all good for it to be Brandon, Coach and Albert in the finale. Albert thinks they need to get rid of Sophie and then knock out Ozzie. Brandon just keeps mumbling "God is with us".
On the other side, the real brain trust Coach and Sophie are talking strategy. Sophie wisely realizes Ozzy needs to go. Unfortunately Coach has this whole Ring Lord thing going on. "Ozzy's pleasure dome is on it's way out". Whatever the hell that means!
Albert talks to Coach, says she's a threat. "Albert blows whichever way the wind blows. He knows Sophie is smarter than he is". Then Brandon comes up and wants to know what they are talking about, gets all paranoid. He starts trying to bully Coach. Coach is getting annoyed with Brandon, and with his Dad who also tried to bully Coach last week into taking his son to the finale. Next think you know this little idiot is asking "for a hug, man". He really is crazy ass. Coach "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree". Next thing you know Brandon is all "cheer up man, God has it under control".
What game does Brandon think he's playing that God has under control?? I mean, does he really think the Armageddon has arrived and these are the last 5 people on earth and they are playing for Eternal Salvation?? I'm getting worried he doesn't get that this is a reality show. Medic!!
Challenge: Climb a wall, untie puzzle pieces, on a box. Damn it I was really hoping for a bible verse trivia challenge to prove, once and for all, that these people spewing the God shit have never actually read the bible. Wanna know what you're playing for? 72 virgins? Nope, pizza. Remember when they used to pretend to give a shit about the native people of wherever they were invading for the show? Now? Pizza. And who's the loser? Those accountants and teachers who used to get paid to dress up, put a few bones through their noses and pretend to be authentic.
I'll skip the challenge other than to say Brandon wins immunity. THANK YOU JESUS. He chooses Rick to share his reward, probably because he doesn't want to have to do any talking while eating. Hey, didn't Albert give away his reward and ask for a food one in return??
Coach: "I believe in divine intervention...it wasn't Brandon's time to go home."
Back at camp, pizza delivery. Sophie and Coach decide on Albert. Sophie says she wants to just smell the pizza and goes to sit with Brandon and Rick. Albert gets nervous. Sophie tells them she's voting for Albert, Rick says "me too". Brandon decides he has to talk to Albert. A big fight ensues. "Brandon took the lid off Pandora's Box. Everyone says, "hey Albert promised me he was taking me to the finale". LOL. Albert tries to pull Brandon back in.
Brandon "God speaks to me. I want Albert to stay and I'll give him my necklace because I am an imperfect person and I believe in forgiveness". Or some such shit. I was too busy wretching to take notes. He of COURSE wants Sophie to go because he hates women. Coach thinks Brandon is nuts. "God wants Sophie to go".
Coach goes and FREAKING prays about it. "God gave me a name..." AAAAARRRRRRHHHHHHH
Tribal:
Brandon: I want to give up my necklace to Albert
The jury is DYING.
Coach shakes his head.
Brandon goes off on some former gang shit, how they did some stupid shit, and then when there was supposed to be a fight no one else would show up with me...
Jeff: so, dude, it wasn't really a gang...
Brandon: these 2 are my best friends through Christ. My bond with Albert is real, it's spiritual. Holy Spirit of Craziness!
Sophie: I don't know what to believe, Albert is sneaky
Rick: It was great until the pack of wolves hit
Rick: I wonder if, now that he is immune, would Albert give the idol back to Brandon out of loyalty??
Albert: um, NOOOO, Brandon is safe, no need to return the idol
And, then Brandon is voted off. "It's God's will, go win God's redemption...
So this week Albert wakes up a little bit to the whole Survivor game thing, and realizes just letting Coach pull him around by the short hairs might in fact NOT be a good strategy. He decides he should be worried about Sophie. Maybe so, but you should also be worried that Coach is living in some Lord of the Rings fantasy and believes he needs to beat his nemesis, Ozzy, in order to find redemption. I can't wait until the reunion show when people have seen him basically promising Oz the second spot.
Albert talks to Rick, because well, talking to Rick is like talking to the back end of a cow. Albert has his own fantasy of Oz coming back to the game and him beating him, then taking Coach and Rick to the final 3, "I feel like I have been the most aggressive player trying to garner jury votes and position myself to win one million dollars and go home the sole survivor.” Man, what season have I been watching??
Challenge: Ozzy and Edna. Yea, this is gonna be hard... it's a slide a puzzle, remove a hatched, get puzzle pieces kinda thang. Ozzy kicks ass on the puzzle even with the tribe helping out Edna. It comes down to the puzzle but of course Oz has too big of a lead on Edna and he beats her. King of the Misfits!!
So it's now every man for him or herself on the island. Albert is getting tired of the whole honor and integrity thing. Brandon tells him they're all good for it to be Brandon, Coach and Albert in the finale. Albert thinks they need to get rid of Sophie and then knock out Ozzie. Brandon just keeps mumbling "God is with us".
On the other side, the real brain trust Coach and Sophie are talking strategy. Sophie wisely realizes Ozzy needs to go. Unfortunately Coach has this whole Ring Lord thing going on. "Ozzy's pleasure dome is on it's way out". Whatever the hell that means!
Albert talks to Coach, says she's a threat. "Albert blows whichever way the wind blows. He knows Sophie is smarter than he is". Then Brandon comes up and wants to know what they are talking about, gets all paranoid. He starts trying to bully Coach. Coach is getting annoyed with Brandon, and with his Dad who also tried to bully Coach last week into taking his son to the finale. Next think you know this little idiot is asking "for a hug, man". He really is crazy ass. Coach "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree". Next thing you know Brandon is all "cheer up man, God has it under control".
What game does Brandon think he's playing that God has under control?? I mean, does he really think the Armageddon has arrived and these are the last 5 people on earth and they are playing for Eternal Salvation?? I'm getting worried he doesn't get that this is a reality show. Medic!!
Challenge: Climb a wall, untie puzzle pieces, on a box. Damn it I was really hoping for a bible verse trivia challenge to prove, once and for all, that these people spewing the God shit have never actually read the bible. Wanna know what you're playing for? 72 virgins? Nope, pizza. Remember when they used to pretend to give a shit about the native people of wherever they were invading for the show? Now? Pizza. And who's the loser? Those accountants and teachers who used to get paid to dress up, put a few bones through their noses and pretend to be authentic.
I'll skip the challenge other than to say Brandon wins immunity. THANK YOU JESUS. He chooses Rick to share his reward, probably because he doesn't want to have to do any talking while eating. Hey, didn't Albert give away his reward and ask for a food one in return??
Coach: "I believe in divine intervention...it wasn't Brandon's time to go home."
Back at camp, pizza delivery. Sophie and Coach decide on Albert. Sophie says she wants to just smell the pizza and goes to sit with Brandon and Rick. Albert gets nervous. Sophie tells them she's voting for Albert, Rick says "me too". Brandon decides he has to talk to Albert. A big fight ensues. "Brandon took the lid off Pandora's Box. Everyone says, "hey Albert promised me he was taking me to the finale". LOL. Albert tries to pull Brandon back in.
Brandon "God speaks to me. I want Albert to stay and I'll give him my necklace because I am an imperfect person and I believe in forgiveness". Or some such shit. I was too busy wretching to take notes. He of COURSE wants Sophie to go because he hates women. Coach thinks Brandon is nuts. "God wants Sophie to go".
Coach goes and FREAKING prays about it. "God gave me a name..." AAAAARRRRRRHHHHHHH
Tribal:
Brandon: I want to give up my necklace to Albert
The jury is DYING.
Coach shakes his head.
Brandon goes off on some former gang shit, how they did some stupid shit, and then when there was supposed to be a fight no one else would show up with me...
Jeff: so, dude, it wasn't really a gang...
Brandon: these 2 are my best friends through Christ. My bond with Albert is real, it's spiritual. Holy Spirit of Craziness!
Sophie: I don't know what to believe, Albert is sneaky
Rick: It was great until the pack of wolves hit
Rick: I wonder if, now that he is immune, would Albert give the idol back to Brandon out of loyalty??
Albert: um, NOOOO, Brandon is safe, no need to return the idol
And, then Brandon is voted off. "It's God's will, go win God's redemption...
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Survivor: Do You Have Prince Albert in a Can?
Ahhhhh, tribe Savaii is totally gone. Let the cannibalism begin!
Sophie doesn't like Woody, she also thinks Brandon is obsessively devout. Because, yes, it's post tribal prayer time. I sometimes wonder if this is what America would be like if one of these fundamental Christians gets elected president. The traffic lights would have walk, don't walk and pray lights on them.
Woody calls a meeting. I made a sacrifice for you all, to get your tribe to this point, please save me for 1 tribal council, because it's my birthday in 3 days. LOL, which is a total lie.
Albert: He makes a valid point...
Coach: I'd keep him (because Coach is smart enough to know that going to the final with Woody and that hot mess of Savaii on the jury would be excellent)
Sophie: Nope.
Redemption duel of 3. It's the stack dishes anti-pottery challenge. Ozzy, Dawn and Whitney. And of course Ozzie has to win the damn thing. Shit. Oz is all excited to start beating his enemies. "Beating my enemies is what I do best" . Which for some reason reminds me of Elf..."I love Santa, Santa is the best".
And speaking of Christmas...is Woody the model for the lead in the animated movie Arthur's Christmas?? Check it out here: http://www.arthurchristmas.com/
Edna is doing the fishing, cleaning and laundry for everyone. Hmmm, wonder if she'll come to my house for $50 bucks. Albert thinks she's trying to "outclean, outgather and outorganize" everyone else. He'll just keep sitting on his fat ass and letting everyone else work.
Brandon and his new BFF Woody go fishing. Woody is terrified of holding the fish. He really is a total pussy.
Albert finally gets off his ass and tries to help with the laundry, and immediately puts the fire out my spilling water. Coach: Albert has never done a day of work in his life". Rick calls him Prince Albert. LOL. Coach is sounding like he wants Woody to stay. He even takes him out for a little Tai Chi to "give the little grasshopper hope". Woody is all "stoked" after the Coach Chi.
Challenge: Toss 3 sandbags onto crates (didn't they already do this one??) and then slingshot coconuts to break things. Wanna know what you're playing for? Immunity and a survivor spa treatment.
Albert, Rick and Sophie get through the bean bag part of the challenge, and then Prince Albert wins immunity. Bummer. He gets to chose someone else to share the spa day, and picks Coach. Can I chose someone else, Jeff? No, we've only brought in 2 Asians, unless Edna wants to give a massage. Can I give up my reward? Sure. He gives it to Woody and asks someone to give him a food reward sometime.
Coach and Woody go back to the tribe and get their massages. It's Woody's first massage: "having someone stroke the inside of my leg is something new". How OLD is this virgin?? Wonder if the swelling has gone down yet. Coach says, "I'll fight for my little warrior".
Woody talks to Albert. It's not looking good Woody, Coach isn't ready to get rid of Rick yet. Apparently Albert has heard the Prince Albert comment...
Woody and Edna talk. "Albert's mad and wants Rick to go next." Edna's on board with that.
Woody talks to Coach: Alberts wants Rick to go next. The 3 of us are all committed to that.
Coach: There is a tide that is coming... (Whattt???)
Tribal with the Angry Birds jury.
Coach: The possibilities are endless, there's a new scenario hourly
Woody: It will fill the jury with glee to know that I'm on the chopping block, But I think I'm entitled to something for getting this tribe here.
Albert: I agree with Woody
Coach: We are here because of him...
Rick: then it's one of us...
Edna: I'm emotional because I've never been an equal 6. It's sad. I've been deceived...
Brandon: Jesus told me it's Woody followed by Edna, black and white. Suck it up people
Coach: Brandon isn't malleable, it's a blessing and a curse...
Ahhhhhhhh, crazy Brandon returns..... "I'm exhausted now...I want to do wrong things (do them do them!!!!) I'm human.....I want to do good things but something inside me won't let me..." Seriously, this dude is gonna kill a president someday.
Woody-is Brandon cracking? Talking to him about alternative strategies IS LIKE TALKING TO JEFF REGARDING NON-BLUE SHIRTS. hahahahahhahahahahah.
Sophie: I'm not concerned.
Woody: What happens if Edna wins immunity next week? hahahahaha. Not unless it's an ironing challenge.
They vote....and Woody is sent off to meet the great blue Ozzie hunter. We can only pray the duel will be a Star Trek trivia contest...
Sophie doesn't like Woody, she also thinks Brandon is obsessively devout. Because, yes, it's post tribal prayer time. I sometimes wonder if this is what America would be like if one of these fundamental Christians gets elected president. The traffic lights would have walk, don't walk and pray lights on them.
Woody calls a meeting. I made a sacrifice for you all, to get your tribe to this point, please save me for 1 tribal council, because it's my birthday in 3 days. LOL, which is a total lie.
Albert: He makes a valid point...
Coach: I'd keep him (because Coach is smart enough to know that going to the final with Woody and that hot mess of Savaii on the jury would be excellent)
Sophie: Nope.
Redemption duel of 3. It's the stack dishes anti-pottery challenge. Ozzy, Dawn and Whitney. And of course Ozzie has to win the damn thing. Shit. Oz is all excited to start beating his enemies. "Beating my enemies is what I do best" . Which for some reason reminds me of Elf..."I love Santa, Santa is the best".
And speaking of Christmas...is Woody the model for the lead in the animated movie Arthur's Christmas?? Check it out here: http://www.arthurchristmas.com/
Edna is doing the fishing, cleaning and laundry for everyone. Hmmm, wonder if she'll come to my house for $50 bucks. Albert thinks she's trying to "outclean, outgather and outorganize" everyone else. He'll just keep sitting on his fat ass and letting everyone else work.
Brandon and his new BFF Woody go fishing. Woody is terrified of holding the fish. He really is a total pussy.
Albert finally gets off his ass and tries to help with the laundry, and immediately puts the fire out my spilling water. Coach: Albert has never done a day of work in his life". Rick calls him Prince Albert. LOL. Coach is sounding like he wants Woody to stay. He even takes him out for a little Tai Chi to "give the little grasshopper hope". Woody is all "stoked" after the Coach Chi.
Challenge: Toss 3 sandbags onto crates (didn't they already do this one??) and then slingshot coconuts to break things. Wanna know what you're playing for? Immunity and a survivor spa treatment.
Albert, Rick and Sophie get through the bean bag part of the challenge, and then Prince Albert wins immunity. Bummer. He gets to chose someone else to share the spa day, and picks Coach. Can I chose someone else, Jeff? No, we've only brought in 2 Asians, unless Edna wants to give a massage. Can I give up my reward? Sure. He gives it to Woody and asks someone to give him a food reward sometime.
Coach and Woody go back to the tribe and get their massages. It's Woody's first massage: "having someone stroke the inside of my leg is something new". How OLD is this virgin?? Wonder if the swelling has gone down yet. Coach says, "I'll fight for my little warrior".
Woody talks to Albert. It's not looking good Woody, Coach isn't ready to get rid of Rick yet. Apparently Albert has heard the Prince Albert comment...
Woody and Edna talk. "Albert's mad and wants Rick to go next." Edna's on board with that.
Woody talks to Coach: Alberts wants Rick to go next. The 3 of us are all committed to that.
Coach: There is a tide that is coming... (Whattt???)
Tribal with the Angry Birds jury.
Coach: The possibilities are endless, there's a new scenario hourly
Woody: It will fill the jury with glee to know that I'm on the chopping block, But I think I'm entitled to something for getting this tribe here.
Albert: I agree with Woody
Coach: We are here because of him...
Rick: then it's one of us...
Edna: I'm emotional because I've never been an equal 6. It's sad. I've been deceived...
Brandon: Jesus told me it's Woody followed by Edna, black and white. Suck it up people
Coach: Brandon isn't malleable, it's a blessing and a curse...
Ahhhhhhhh, crazy Brandon returns..... "I'm exhausted now...I want to do wrong things (do them do them!!!!) I'm human.....I want to do good things but something inside me won't let me..." Seriously, this dude is gonna kill a president someday.
Woody-is Brandon cracking? Talking to him about alternative strategies IS LIKE TALKING TO JEFF REGARDING NON-BLUE SHIRTS. hahahahahhahahahahah.
Sophie: I'm not concerned.
Woody: What happens if Edna wins immunity next week? hahahahaha. Not unless it's an ironing challenge.
They vote....and Woody is sent off to meet the great blue Ozzie hunter. We can only pray the duel will be a Star Trek trivia contest...
Sunday, November 20, 2011
So, basically I can no longer remember when I blog and when I forget. Last week, Ernie and the most annoying fiance used their Xpress pass but still got beat by the awesome snowboarders! Bro and Sis Justin and Jennifer were shown the door.
This week starts in Malawi. And if you're like me, you had no fucking idea where Malawi was because, duh!! It used to be called Nyasaland. I know, right?? These little shitty countries try to hide from me by changing their names all the time. I mean, hell yea, it DID work for Allegheny Airlines after they flew into that mountain but still. I'm wondering what happened to the pennies I collected last Halloween and mailed "To the Poor Nyasalander Children".
So anyway, teams have to exchange their Malawian kwachas (the monetary unit of Malawi) and fly to Copenhagen, Denmark, which the brain scholar "boy who sailed 'round the world" friggin mispronounced. Once in Denmark, they have to drive a FORD FOCUS (DING DING DING) to some bell tower. Yea, all the names of stuff are in denmarkian and have like, too many vowels for me to remember.
Caution: This leg of the race has a double U-turn. Cindy wipes the evil drool off her chin and says, "we're totally using it, even if we don't need to". Ernie, OPEN YOUR EYES. There is time to run from this little smeagol. Me want the precious trip for 2 from Travelocity priiiiiizzzzzzeeeeeeee.
So they're all booked on an Malawi Airlines 8:20 am arriving flight via Amsterdam but hey, if you want to be safe and fly a different airline go right ahead and find a different connection. Dad and Sailorboy decide to fly via London. Basically because he had some kind of accent that might be Londonese or might be Australian. Everyone else decides to try their luck at the Amsterday connection. Only Amani and Marcus decide to stick with the original plan, and take naps in the airport while everyone else gets into Copenhagen the night before.
But, the bell tower doesn't open until the morning. Amani and Marcus are only 1 hour behind not the 12 AR kept advertising.
So, teams climb up the tower and look for their clues. One is a banner saying "borg slot" and another is on a rooftop saying "Fredericks". But for some reason they keep folding the rooftop one up. They have to find Frederickborg Slot" which is a castle. Jeremy and Sandy manage to fight their way to the wrong castle and have to go back. They run into Amani and Marcus at the bell tower.
At the castle: it's a roadblock. Teams have to learn to dance. For some reason we are forced to learn that the Grandparents met in high school or younger and have been together for years and years, and Smeagol and Ernie met in a bar. A very very very DARK bar I am sure.
Ernie and Sailorboy get in costume and makeup (I believed Cindy made Ernie practice crossdressing for months) and learn a 3 part dance. Sairboy sucks. Ernie gets it first and they learn they have to drive the FORD FOCUS (DING DING DING) to oh, shit, I don't know but there is a postbox with the clue.
Marcus doesn't like to stop fir directions...
Sailorboy sucks at the dance.
Grandma, Snowboarders pass them. Sailorboy sucks and his loving dad is bashing him, because he could dance back in the day when he was a frontman for a rock and roll band. Yea, keep telling your stories old man... He finally gets it 4th, but Sandy is already dancing. The NFLs are lost. They get out of their car to finally ask for directions and nobody stops to help the very large black man.
Detour: All Hopped Up or All Churned Up. Teams can either make butter or make rabbits do a steeple chase. Most teams take the butter because animals are unpredictable. Which is a shame because the rabbit thing was totally adorable and easy.
Ernie and Smeagol finish the butter first. They have to head towards some Windmill where there is a U-turn. Even though they are in first, Smeagol wants the precious trip for 2 priiiiiiizzzzzzeeeeeeee. Ernie doesn't want to use the U-turn, and as every argument they are gonna have for the next 50 years of their married life ends, they use the U-turn against the Grandparents.
Teams have to drive to the Havet Ship pit stop.
The grandparents U-turn the Dad and Sailorboy. Fortunately the rabbits are easy. Right about now the NFLs get to the dance thing.
Ernie and Smeagol come in first and I was PRAYING Phil would say, here's a clue you bitch, you're still racing. But, alas, they won a trip to Fiji where they can honeymoon while he heals from the castration.
Jeremy and Sandy figure out they're going in the entirely wrong direction...at least twice. The dad and sailorboy get lost too. Dad is just ranting. It comes down to which pair of these two is less lost and hits less traffic. And.......it's Dad and Son who are OUT.
This week starts in Malawi. And if you're like me, you had no fucking idea where Malawi was because, duh!! It used to be called Nyasaland. I know, right?? These little shitty countries try to hide from me by changing their names all the time. I mean, hell yea, it DID work for Allegheny Airlines after they flew into that mountain but still. I'm wondering what happened to the pennies I collected last Halloween and mailed "To the Poor Nyasalander Children".
So anyway, teams have to exchange their Malawian kwachas (the monetary unit of Malawi) and fly to Copenhagen, Denmark, which the brain scholar "boy who sailed 'round the world" friggin mispronounced. Once in Denmark, they have to drive a FORD FOCUS (DING DING DING) to some bell tower. Yea, all the names of stuff are in denmarkian and have like, too many vowels for me to remember.
Caution: This leg of the race has a double U-turn. Cindy wipes the evil drool off her chin and says, "we're totally using it, even if we don't need to". Ernie, OPEN YOUR EYES. There is time to run from this little smeagol. Me want the precious trip for 2 from Travelocity priiiiiizzzzzzeeeeeeee.
So they're all booked on an Malawi Airlines 8:20 am arriving flight via Amsterdam but hey, if you want to be safe and fly a different airline go right ahead and find a different connection. Dad and Sailorboy decide to fly via London. Basically because he had some kind of accent that might be Londonese or might be Australian. Everyone else decides to try their luck at the Amsterday connection. Only Amani and Marcus decide to stick with the original plan, and take naps in the airport while everyone else gets into Copenhagen the night before.
But, the bell tower doesn't open until the morning. Amani and Marcus are only 1 hour behind not the 12 AR kept advertising.
So, teams climb up the tower and look for their clues. One is a banner saying "borg slot" and another is on a rooftop saying "Fredericks". But for some reason they keep folding the rooftop one up. They have to find Frederickborg Slot" which is a castle. Jeremy and Sandy manage to fight their way to the wrong castle and have to go back. They run into Amani and Marcus at the bell tower.
At the castle: it's a roadblock. Teams have to learn to dance. For some reason we are forced to learn that the Grandparents met in high school or younger and have been together for years and years, and Smeagol and Ernie met in a bar. A very very very DARK bar I am sure.
Ernie and Sailorboy get in costume and makeup (I believed Cindy made Ernie practice crossdressing for months) and learn a 3 part dance. Sairboy sucks. Ernie gets it first and they learn they have to drive the FORD FOCUS (DING DING DING) to oh, shit, I don't know but there is a postbox with the clue.
Marcus doesn't like to stop fir directions...
Sailorboy sucks at the dance.
Grandma, Snowboarders pass them. Sailorboy sucks and his loving dad is bashing him, because he could dance back in the day when he was a frontman for a rock and roll band. Yea, keep telling your stories old man... He finally gets it 4th, but Sandy is already dancing. The NFLs are lost. They get out of their car to finally ask for directions and nobody stops to help the very large black man.
Detour: All Hopped Up or All Churned Up. Teams can either make butter or make rabbits do a steeple chase. Most teams take the butter because animals are unpredictable. Which is a shame because the rabbit thing was totally adorable and easy.
Ernie and Smeagol finish the butter first. They have to head towards some Windmill where there is a U-turn. Even though they are in first, Smeagol wants the precious trip for 2 priiiiiiizzzzzzeeeeeeee. Ernie doesn't want to use the U-turn, and as every argument they are gonna have for the next 50 years of their married life ends, they use the U-turn against the Grandparents.
Teams have to drive to the Havet Ship pit stop.
The grandparents U-turn the Dad and Sailorboy. Fortunately the rabbits are easy. Right about now the NFLs get to the dance thing.
Ernie and Smeagol come in first and I was PRAYING Phil would say, here's a clue you bitch, you're still racing. But, alas, they won a trip to Fiji where they can honeymoon while he heals from the castration.
Jeremy and Sandy figure out they're going in the entirely wrong direction...at least twice. The dad and sailorboy get lost too. Dad is just ranting. It comes down to which pair of these two is less lost and hits less traffic. And.......it's Dad and Son who are OUT.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Survivor: Revenge of the Nerds
Word up.
That return to camp after the big Woody finds his balls tribal council was a little chilly. Oz is right on his ass. "I want to talk to Woody alone". Woody "I didn't watch 11 seasons of Survivor for my fate to be decided by pulling stones out of a bag". Amen Woodman.
Brandon steps into the conversation. "I just want to check nobody's getting aggressive with him". Awwwww. He is kinda sweet for a stupid idiot. Oz "We're not gangsters... You stabbed me in the back and prevented me from taking you only so far before stabbing you in the back, damnit!" "That's how a wiener plays". Oh SNAP, I'm gonna have to use that one at the Sellmans next game night.
Whitney "You disgust me". Ah, shut up ya bitch who has been riding coattails the whole damn way. "I just lost 6 weeks of my life out here". What a bunch of wieners unable to deal with being in the middle or bottom.
Fortunately the whole Upola tribe is still embracing him.
Next morning. Coach "last night was cause for a little Tai Chi celebration. I gotta be humble to go the whole way". Coach asks Woody who is next? Woody: "Jim is the worst of them". I whole heartedly agree.
Oz "I have no strategy....wo is me..."
Challenge: 2 parts: toss coconuts into rings, then the first 4 get to crack coconuts, carry mouthfuls of juice through a maze and spit into a tube. I hate these whole spit things.
Part 1: Dawn, Whitney, Jim and Sophie move on. Oz is totally pissed. Can't stand not being the king.
ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??? In the middle of watching this on Demand my cable was totally 100% taken over by the Billy Graham Network. No FREAKING kidding you. I couldn't change the channel, couldn't do anything for about 5 minutes. WTF???
Ok, I got it back. God, that was totally scary. Second part of the challenge it comes down to Sophie and Jim, until Sophie pukes and Jim wins immunity. Then I puked.
Brandon "It's Ozzy".
Oz talks to Coach. "I don't want to go" "I appreciate this new humility. But it's too little too late".
Dawn starts working it. Gives Coach a pillow and a blanket. "I might have to flip".
Jim, Whitney and Oz are doing the group toilet thing sitting in 2 feet of water. Jim "Woody is a poor excuse for a man...maybe I will give Oz the immunity idol and make the point that only one of us so far has been disloyal..."
Totally fake shot of Oz standing on the beach looking at a rainbow. And I believe they have used this clip more than once.
Tribal
Woody: yes, the reception was chilly at best. Jim was yelling the loudest.
Jim: I said immature things
Woody: I took it all. It was personal, to take control of my destiny. Drawing rocks is not the essence of Survivor.
Jim: We saved him 4 times. No one else out here needs his battles fought for him. He isn't loyal.
Brandon: Enough is enough! The smaller people don't need to take it anymore. We're all behind Woody.
Oz: When did I ever make Woody feel small? Um, are you kidding dude???
Woody: from the first you tried to get people to vote me out due to my size and perceived weakness.
Jim: I am powerful with immunity. I might give it to Oz and turn this all into a referendum on loyalty. (which is kind of ironic since he talked of getting rid of Oz once himself...)
Coach: Or it would turn it into a message that standing up for yourself gets you screwed.
Oz: If I go to redemption I'm gonna be eating and resting and getting ready to come back.
Time to vote. Jim, you keeping immunity? Uh, Yea.
Ozzy is voted off. Interestingly, and I had to go back and rewatch this, even Dawn and Whitney voted for Oz.
"You fell for my master plan..."
Oz is out at redemption doing the Jacque CuOzzy routine. He and Keith eat a bit old fish.
BANG, another challenge. Stand on a beam and balance a ball on a bow. OR.... take your chances and eat lots of sugary stuff.
Coach: " I want to compete...but we're family". Only Jim, Whitney and Dawn compete. The 7 get chowing down on sugar and caffeine.
Jim is out. Dawn "I'll stay as long as I can so you can eat". Woohoo, Dawn is awesome!
Dawn falters and Whitney wins immunity.
Albert starts his little brain spinning. "I think we were way too inclusive with Dawn. I want to nip this in the bud now".
Woody is strutting around camp in the Dragon Slaya's black jacket and the cowboy's hat. LOL. Meanwhile Jim tries to sell Sophie on some big plan. Yea, that's going nowhere. Albert tells Sophie about his better plan to get rid of Dawn first. Sophie, who is perhaps the smartest person playing this game, says, "yea, it's Jim dude".
Coach: Is it gonna be charging Rhino Jim or serpent like Dawn??
Tribal-dark blue.
Is it fair to assume it's Jim or Dawn? Yes.
Albert: Dawn's tough and likable.
Dawn :This is what we would have done had we won. But it was hard for me to watch them eat.
Brandon. Hold on!! You told us to eat!! I am not buying this at all. They are being nice because they have to be.
Dawn: I genuinely want to get to know you...
Brandon: We're not going to stop until they are all gone.
Whitney: I feel all vilified. Boohoooooooo. They don't accept us as real people, just bullies. I when the shoe is on the other foot!!
Brandon: It's hard to see her sit there and cry but we were excluded and mocked until we got power.
Vote. 3 for Edna, 6 for Jim, who is out. I can only imagine the trash talking gonna happen at redemption when these 3 tough men have to admit they were killed by a wimpy little man. Mwahahahahaha.
That return to camp after the big Woody finds his balls tribal council was a little chilly. Oz is right on his ass. "I want to talk to Woody alone". Woody "I didn't watch 11 seasons of Survivor for my fate to be decided by pulling stones out of a bag". Amen Woodman.
Brandon steps into the conversation. "I just want to check nobody's getting aggressive with him". Awwwww. He is kinda sweet for a stupid idiot. Oz "We're not gangsters... You stabbed me in the back and prevented me from taking you only so far before stabbing you in the back, damnit!" "That's how a wiener plays". Oh SNAP, I'm gonna have to use that one at the Sellmans next game night.
Whitney "You disgust me". Ah, shut up ya bitch who has been riding coattails the whole damn way. "I just lost 6 weeks of my life out here". What a bunch of wieners unable to deal with being in the middle or bottom.
Fortunately the whole Upola tribe is still embracing him.
Next morning. Coach "last night was cause for a little Tai Chi celebration. I gotta be humble to go the whole way". Coach asks Woody who is next? Woody: "Jim is the worst of them". I whole heartedly agree.
Oz "I have no strategy....wo is me..."
Challenge: 2 parts: toss coconuts into rings, then the first 4 get to crack coconuts, carry mouthfuls of juice through a maze and spit into a tube. I hate these whole spit things.
Part 1: Dawn, Whitney, Jim and Sophie move on. Oz is totally pissed. Can't stand not being the king.
ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??? In the middle of watching this on Demand my cable was totally 100% taken over by the Billy Graham Network. No FREAKING kidding you. I couldn't change the channel, couldn't do anything for about 5 minutes. WTF???
Ok, I got it back. God, that was totally scary. Second part of the challenge it comes down to Sophie and Jim, until Sophie pukes and Jim wins immunity. Then I puked.
Brandon "It's Ozzy".
Oz talks to Coach. "I don't want to go" "I appreciate this new humility. But it's too little too late".
Dawn starts working it. Gives Coach a pillow and a blanket. "I might have to flip".
Jim, Whitney and Oz are doing the group toilet thing sitting in 2 feet of water. Jim "Woody is a poor excuse for a man...maybe I will give Oz the immunity idol and make the point that only one of us so far has been disloyal..."
Totally fake shot of Oz standing on the beach looking at a rainbow. And I believe they have used this clip more than once.
Tribal
Woody: yes, the reception was chilly at best. Jim was yelling the loudest.
Jim: I said immature things
Woody: I took it all. It was personal, to take control of my destiny. Drawing rocks is not the essence of Survivor.
Jim: We saved him 4 times. No one else out here needs his battles fought for him. He isn't loyal.
Brandon: Enough is enough! The smaller people don't need to take it anymore. We're all behind Woody.
Oz: When did I ever make Woody feel small? Um, are you kidding dude???
Woody: from the first you tried to get people to vote me out due to my size and perceived weakness.
Jim: I am powerful with immunity. I might give it to Oz and turn this all into a referendum on loyalty. (which is kind of ironic since he talked of getting rid of Oz once himself...)
Coach: Or it would turn it into a message that standing up for yourself gets you screwed.
Oz: If I go to redemption I'm gonna be eating and resting and getting ready to come back.
Time to vote. Jim, you keeping immunity? Uh, Yea.
Ozzy is voted off. Interestingly, and I had to go back and rewatch this, even Dawn and Whitney voted for Oz.
"You fell for my master plan..."
Oz is out at redemption doing the Jacque CuOzzy routine. He and Keith eat a bit old fish.
BANG, another challenge. Stand on a beam and balance a ball on a bow. OR.... take your chances and eat lots of sugary stuff.
Coach: " I want to compete...but we're family". Only Jim, Whitney and Dawn compete. The 7 get chowing down on sugar and caffeine.
Jim is out. Dawn "I'll stay as long as I can so you can eat". Woohoo, Dawn is awesome!
Dawn falters and Whitney wins immunity.
Albert starts his little brain spinning. "I think we were way too inclusive with Dawn. I want to nip this in the bud now".
Woody is strutting around camp in the Dragon Slaya's black jacket and the cowboy's hat. LOL. Meanwhile Jim tries to sell Sophie on some big plan. Yea, that's going nowhere. Albert tells Sophie about his better plan to get rid of Dawn first. Sophie, who is perhaps the smartest person playing this game, says, "yea, it's Jim dude".
Coach: Is it gonna be charging Rhino Jim or serpent like Dawn??
Tribal-dark blue.
Is it fair to assume it's Jim or Dawn? Yes.
Albert: Dawn's tough and likable.
Dawn :This is what we would have done had we won. But it was hard for me to watch them eat.
Brandon. Hold on!! You told us to eat!! I am not buying this at all. They are being nice because they have to be.
Dawn: I genuinely want to get to know you...
Brandon: We're not going to stop until they are all gone.
Whitney: I feel all vilified. Boohoooooooo. They don't accept us as real people, just bullies. I when the shoe is on the other foot!!
Brandon: It's hard to see her sit there and cry but we were excluded and mocked until we got power.
Vote. 3 for Edna, 6 for Jim, who is out. I can only imagine the trash talking gonna happen at redemption when these 3 tough men have to admit they were killed by a wimpy little man. Mwahahahahaha.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Survivor: Man Up Woodman!!
Awwww, it looks like someone's testicles have descended! And I don't just mean Justin Bieber! The Woodman grows up!
The tribe is sure the merge is right around the corner. Their plan is for Woody to become a double agent and get info from the other tribe.
Oz arrives at Redemption Island and wakes up Christine. She's surprised to see him and asks what happened? He tells her they voted someone out and he whipped out the idol. Guess who had it? Cochrain. Yep. She seems to buy the story.
Duel time, and everyone comes to watch. Woody is in his mastermind outfit: just the pink vest, without the pink shirt. Oz puts on a big act about getting hoodwinked and voted out. "It's now everyman for himself, I want to get back for revenge..." Yea, no academy award there.
It's the tie together sticks to make a pole, get 3 keys and unlock 3 locks. Winner comes back into the game. Christine builds a sucky pole and Oz kicks her ass.
Jeff announces the merge. And Woody goes to work. He sits with Coach and complains how they treat him. Coach: "yo, our tribe is tight and I'm pretty sure you guys are trying to play us. I've been made fun of all my life...wasn't always the dragon slaya, I know what it feels like." You basically have a choice, we go tribal and have a tie, and draw rocks or you could jump ship.
Woody tells the rest of the blue tribe what Oz did and what the master plan was. I'm supposed to be gathering information. He and Brandon talk and he tells him Kieth is the meanest. Oh, Woody also gives the idol back to Oz.
Dawn has another menopause moment and asks Woody what his plan is. She knows he's been treated badly and is afraid he's gonna jump ship. She cries. "I should have stood up for him earlier..." Leaves the door open of jumping ship as well.
Challenge: dark blue. It's a one man/one woman immunity up for grabs. They have to balance on a little thing and hold a coconut between 2 rods, with ropes. Hard to explain. OH, the new tribe is called Te Tuna which is some play on some stupid south pacific legend. Supposedly.
Dawn and Oz win immunity. Oz asks everyone, "we're still solid, right"? Uhuh. They decide to play the idol and increase their odds in the random draw. They decide to give it to Whitney, who I forget is even in this game.
Woody doesn't believe Survivor should be decided by choosing rocks. He talks to Sophie, who is a little worried whether or not he is telling the truth. He tells Coach, if I do bail, they are gonna tear me apart.
Dawn asks him again his plan. "You're starting a war". She's not flipping, she decides she likes her tribe and wants to stick with them. Woody "I want to control my own choices". Dawn doesn't want him to do it but she doesn't tell anyone.
Tribal
Coach: a tie vote? I guess so!
Oz: yep, with our tribe having both idols, the odds are on our side
Edna: can you see a scenario where it makes sense to flip??
Woody: What are the odds of 2 tribes remaining this unified?? I've never seen it Jeff.
Jim: there is no chance there is a flipper on our side
Albert: we know Oz was acting at the duel, but if they pull out an idol we'll know they were lying. (lol, I don't think Oz figured that one out)
Oz: I do have the idol, you're right. Oh, I mean WE have the idol.
Coach winks at Woody.
Vote. Oz gives Whitney the idol. First vote is a tie between Keith and Rick. They revote for only Rick or Kieth.
Keith is voted off to redemption island. Woody tells Oz, "I swapped, I'll explain later". Jim keeps calling him a coward. Brandon "don't talk to him that way. That's exactly why he flipped". Brandon and Woody walk off holding hands, and Brandon says, "stay close to me little man".
Gettin' good!!!
The tribe is sure the merge is right around the corner. Their plan is for Woody to become a double agent and get info from the other tribe.
Oz arrives at Redemption Island and wakes up Christine. She's surprised to see him and asks what happened? He tells her they voted someone out and he whipped out the idol. Guess who had it? Cochrain. Yep. She seems to buy the story.
Duel time, and everyone comes to watch. Woody is in his mastermind outfit: just the pink vest, without the pink shirt. Oz puts on a big act about getting hoodwinked and voted out. "It's now everyman for himself, I want to get back for revenge..." Yea, no academy award there.
It's the tie together sticks to make a pole, get 3 keys and unlock 3 locks. Winner comes back into the game. Christine builds a sucky pole and Oz kicks her ass.
Jeff announces the merge. And Woody goes to work. He sits with Coach and complains how they treat him. Coach: "yo, our tribe is tight and I'm pretty sure you guys are trying to play us. I've been made fun of all my life...wasn't always the dragon slaya, I know what it feels like." You basically have a choice, we go tribal and have a tie, and draw rocks or you could jump ship.
Woody tells the rest of the blue tribe what Oz did and what the master plan was. I'm supposed to be gathering information. He and Brandon talk and he tells him Kieth is the meanest. Oh, Woody also gives the idol back to Oz.
Dawn has another menopause moment and asks Woody what his plan is. She knows he's been treated badly and is afraid he's gonna jump ship. She cries. "I should have stood up for him earlier..." Leaves the door open of jumping ship as well.
Challenge: dark blue. It's a one man/one woman immunity up for grabs. They have to balance on a little thing and hold a coconut between 2 rods, with ropes. Hard to explain. OH, the new tribe is called Te Tuna which is some play on some stupid south pacific legend. Supposedly.
Dawn and Oz win immunity. Oz asks everyone, "we're still solid, right"? Uhuh. They decide to play the idol and increase their odds in the random draw. They decide to give it to Whitney, who I forget is even in this game.
Woody doesn't believe Survivor should be decided by choosing rocks. He talks to Sophie, who is a little worried whether or not he is telling the truth. He tells Coach, if I do bail, they are gonna tear me apart.
Dawn asks him again his plan. "You're starting a war". She's not flipping, she decides she likes her tribe and wants to stick with them. Woody "I want to control my own choices". Dawn doesn't want him to do it but she doesn't tell anyone.
Tribal
Coach: a tie vote? I guess so!
Oz: yep, with our tribe having both idols, the odds are on our side
Edna: can you see a scenario where it makes sense to flip??
Woody: What are the odds of 2 tribes remaining this unified?? I've never seen it Jeff.
Jim: there is no chance there is a flipper on our side
Albert: we know Oz was acting at the duel, but if they pull out an idol we'll know they were lying. (lol, I don't think Oz figured that one out)
Oz: I do have the idol, you're right. Oh, I mean WE have the idol.
Coach winks at Woody.
Vote. Oz gives Whitney the idol. First vote is a tie between Keith and Rick. They revote for only Rick or Kieth.
Keith is voted off to redemption island. Woody tells Oz, "I swapped, I'll explain later". Jim keeps calling him a coward. Brandon "don't talk to him that way. That's exactly why he flipped". Brandon and Woody walk off holding hands, and Brandon says, "stay close to me little man".
Gettin' good!!!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Survivor Prayer Meeting
Dear Heavenly Father,
I realize that you have just had your 7 billionth child, and many of them are National Geographically poor, and sick, and in pain, and some are even democrats, but if you wouldn't mind ignoring them all for the next 60 minutes, your poorly dressed and unwashed Upolu tribe needs your help in winning a challenge for a game called Survivor. Well, you probably knew that since you invented it through you shepherd, Mark Burnett. And I know he is your shepherd since you let him marry that chick from the Angel show. Anywhoo, even though I am lying to my tribe and hiding the idol in my pants, please help my team win today. If so, I can promise you, on your holy book, should one of us win the $1 million dollar prize, there will be an extra $20 in the plate for your son, Jesus' birthday. In the name of the father, and the of the son, and of Jeff Probst, Amen.
Ok, so I seriously felt like just letting that be the update this week, BUT all of the hullabaloo of this episode made me change my mind.
Coach and that cowboy/rancher dude who says like 2 things a week are discussing what a crazy MoFo Brandon is. And Coach goes all cowboy western quoting about sometimes you need to put a bullet in someone's head. But I'm pretty sure that was just a metaphor, because the liberal networks would NEVER allow a contestant to exercise their God given write to be armed to the teeth wherever they go.
Bang, right to the duel. It's Christine vs the temptress, Mikayla. The duel is to take apart a crate, use the pieces to build a bridge, run over the bridge and TAP THE TABLE, then run back, rip up the bridge and use the pieces to unscramble a puzzle. Albert is yelling help to Mikayla, even though Christine was also a tribe member. Apparently the red tribe is still completely clueless that Christine hates on the Upolo tribe.
Christine wins her 5th duel. Jeff: "You are becoming a legitimate force in this game". Christine: "I have always been a legitimate force, ya dumbass".
Back at the red tribe, Oz is thinking and talking about the upcoming merge. NOTE TO MARK BURNETT: if you really want to throw a new and creative wrench into the game? Don't do the merge when everyone expects it. Seriously, that would be way more interesting than Resurrection island. It might even be better than crucifixion island. But, shhhhh, I won't give next season away. Ozzie is wondering if it would be wise to send SOMEONE to RI to bump off Christine.
He tells this scheme to Woody. Now, Woody. Is his personal item sunscreen? Cause he is getting whiter by the minute. And, I just soooooo want to put a little green felt hat with a feather in it on his little head when he sits in his pink shirt and pink sweater west. It's ridiculous that his mom still dresses him. Ok, so Oz is telling his best friend Woody, ya know the dude whose name he has written down just about every time, about the get rid of Christine scheme. And Woody is trying not to piss himself with the excitement of how friggin stupid this idea is. "We need someone strong to take that old lady out...I would go, of course I'd have to give the idol to someone....and of course get it back...." hahaha "It's a big move but I might have to make it..."
Coach, coach, coach. He's out in the am doing his morning jujitsu routine. "I am not worthy father" Ain't that the truth! While he's doing his wipe on-wipe off routine, Survivor imposes a big giant yellow sun over him. LMAO. After prayer time, Coach calls everyone over. "We have to find the idol today in case of the merge". He, Albert and Sophie have decided to pretend to find it. So after lying to the tribe, Coach has them all pray for help in finding the idol. Yea, I threw up a little myself.
Brandon is sniffing around like a little dog. He and Tex are up and down all the trees on the beach. Sophie and Coach go into the woods (which I would make a sex crack about but Sophie is way way way too smart for this fool). They find tree mail, and decide to call everyone over and say, WOW IS THIS OUR LUCKY DAY! We found tree mail AND the idol. Brandon is running around yelling about how GREAT it is. "Coach and Sophie found it RIGHT AFTER WE PRAYED. GOD IS ON OUR SIDE". Ahem. Just another example of religion being manipulated if you ask me. Brandon is of course too friggin stupid to say, "hey where did you find it?? The clue said near the beach and I looked EVERYWHERE". Yep, too stupid.
The tree mail is all about twin warriors, and pairing up and painting their faces to match.
Challenge: They all come in in war paint, as twins including Brandon wearing a painted on bathing suit top to match his partner. Today's challenge is some kind of paired thing, with 3 callers and blindfolded people running around shit in the water. Wanna know what you're playing for? Eternal salvation?? No, that's next week. This week it's a 100% full on product placement whoredom reward. The winning tribe gets to go to the Survivor Cinema and watch Jack and Jill, a new Adam Sandler movie that probably sucks if it needs this much pushing.
Ok, so the challenge. Coach has Edna knock her head onto just about everything out there. "Duck, Edna".
Woody is either his usual incompetent, or trying to get them to lose and have Oz go to redemption. Not sure frankly. He can't get the ropes tied or untied right, and basically, they lose the challenge.
And, CHRIST, Coach has every one GET ON THEIR KNEES and thank the spaghetti monster. I'm thinking if Coach pulled this shit at a state run publicly financed school of learning he'd be shown the door. Well, unless it was in Texas.
They to to the movies. Yea, and eat. Coach is all family family family. I clearly needed more alcohol for this episode.
Oz is throwing another hissy fit. Kicking the walls and generally losing it. Woody things he's probably not gonna keep his plan and will be getting rid of the woodster. On their return, he tells Woody "you lost it for us". Woody's upset. Oz still wants to get rid of Woody, so he and Dawn are all, "you could totally beat Christine if you just believed in yourself". Seriously?? "It's time for you to redeem yourself". Quoting just about every BAD inspirational poster I have ever seen. Woody's all "Um, I just don't think I could pull off the I'm indestructible, you better be shakin' in your boots, stupid bitch". LOL. I love when he says bitch, I don't know why.
Fortunately for Woody, Oz has a dream about beating Christine. He goes out and gets the idol, and says "I want you all to vote me out". LOL, Jim is loving this! Keith doesn't think it's wise. "If the merge doesn't happen, we're screwed".
Let me take a moment to comment on something that I have left until WAY too late. Usually about now these men are looking all smelly and gross, and the thought of going out into the jungle with one of them is totally disgusting to me. HOWEVER.....and DO NOT TELL JEFF, but I would totally cougar on Keith and make him beg for mercy. Seriously, I'd go all Jane on that Tarzan until his loincloth burst into flames and he begged for help from the animals.
Ok. Tribal. Jeff's in blue but I'm still smoking a cigarette from Keith.
Oz, you showed a lot of emotion today, was there finger pointing? Yes, at Woody.
Woody: I panicked today.
Jim: Woody got frustrated and just threw his hands up.
Woody: Thank GOD I didn't crap myself.
Jeff: Does this happen a lot Woody? And do you sometimes ejaculate too early?? LOL
Dawn, how will redemption island help? If we beat Christine we have the numbers back for the merge
Oz, you plan is for someone from your tribe to beat her and return? How is Woody going to do that? With depends?? No, Jeff, I AM GOING TO DO IT. I had a dream for my own redemption
Jeff: Whaaaaaa???
Oz: We're gonna tell Christine Woody totally played me, that he's a mastermind.
Jeff: You left being an idiot last time....if you don't win the duel, you are gonna be the BIGGEST DOUCHE in Survivor history.....
Yep, they vote, Oz says, "oh I changed my mind......just kidding" and hands the idol to the mastermind. Good luck Christine!!!
I realize that you have just had your 7 billionth child, and many of them are National Geographically poor, and sick, and in pain, and some are even democrats, but if you wouldn't mind ignoring them all for the next 60 minutes, your poorly dressed and unwashed Upolu tribe needs your help in winning a challenge for a game called Survivor. Well, you probably knew that since you invented it through you shepherd, Mark Burnett. And I know he is your shepherd since you let him marry that chick from the Angel show. Anywhoo, even though I am lying to my tribe and hiding the idol in my pants, please help my team win today. If so, I can promise you, on your holy book, should one of us win the $1 million dollar prize, there will be an extra $20 in the plate for your son, Jesus' birthday. In the name of the father, and the of the son, and of Jeff Probst, Amen.
Ok, so I seriously felt like just letting that be the update this week, BUT all of the hullabaloo of this episode made me change my mind.
Coach and that cowboy/rancher dude who says like 2 things a week are discussing what a crazy MoFo Brandon is. And Coach goes all cowboy western quoting about sometimes you need to put a bullet in someone's head. But I'm pretty sure that was just a metaphor, because the liberal networks would NEVER allow a contestant to exercise their God given write to be armed to the teeth wherever they go.
Bang, right to the duel. It's Christine vs the temptress, Mikayla. The duel is to take apart a crate, use the pieces to build a bridge, run over the bridge and TAP THE TABLE, then run back, rip up the bridge and use the pieces to unscramble a puzzle. Albert is yelling help to Mikayla, even though Christine was also a tribe member. Apparently the red tribe is still completely clueless that Christine hates on the Upolo tribe.
Christine wins her 5th duel. Jeff: "You are becoming a legitimate force in this game". Christine: "I have always been a legitimate force, ya dumbass".
Back at the red tribe, Oz is thinking and talking about the upcoming merge. NOTE TO MARK BURNETT: if you really want to throw a new and creative wrench into the game? Don't do the merge when everyone expects it. Seriously, that would be way more interesting than Resurrection island. It might even be better than crucifixion island. But, shhhhh, I won't give next season away. Ozzie is wondering if it would be wise to send SOMEONE to RI to bump off Christine.
He tells this scheme to Woody. Now, Woody. Is his personal item sunscreen? Cause he is getting whiter by the minute. And, I just soooooo want to put a little green felt hat with a feather in it on his little head when he sits in his pink shirt and pink sweater west. It's ridiculous that his mom still dresses him. Ok, so Oz is telling his best friend Woody, ya know the dude whose name he has written down just about every time, about the get rid of Christine scheme. And Woody is trying not to piss himself with the excitement of how friggin stupid this idea is. "We need someone strong to take that old lady out...I would go, of course I'd have to give the idol to someone....and of course get it back...." hahaha "It's a big move but I might have to make it..."
Coach, coach, coach. He's out in the am doing his morning jujitsu routine. "I am not worthy father" Ain't that the truth! While he's doing his wipe on-wipe off routine, Survivor imposes a big giant yellow sun over him. LMAO. After prayer time, Coach calls everyone over. "We have to find the idol today in case of the merge". He, Albert and Sophie have decided to pretend to find it. So after lying to the tribe, Coach has them all pray for help in finding the idol. Yea, I threw up a little myself.
Brandon is sniffing around like a little dog. He and Tex are up and down all the trees on the beach. Sophie and Coach go into the woods (which I would make a sex crack about but Sophie is way way way too smart for this fool). They find tree mail, and decide to call everyone over and say, WOW IS THIS OUR LUCKY DAY! We found tree mail AND the idol. Brandon is running around yelling about how GREAT it is. "Coach and Sophie found it RIGHT AFTER WE PRAYED. GOD IS ON OUR SIDE". Ahem. Just another example of religion being manipulated if you ask me. Brandon is of course too friggin stupid to say, "hey where did you find it?? The clue said near the beach and I looked EVERYWHERE". Yep, too stupid.
The tree mail is all about twin warriors, and pairing up and painting their faces to match.
Challenge: They all come in in war paint, as twins including Brandon wearing a painted on bathing suit top to match his partner. Today's challenge is some kind of paired thing, with 3 callers and blindfolded people running around shit in the water. Wanna know what you're playing for? Eternal salvation?? No, that's next week. This week it's a 100% full on product placement whoredom reward. The winning tribe gets to go to the Survivor Cinema and watch Jack and Jill, a new Adam Sandler movie that probably sucks if it needs this much pushing.
Ok, so the challenge. Coach has Edna knock her head onto just about everything out there. "Duck, Edna".
Woody is either his usual incompetent, or trying to get them to lose and have Oz go to redemption. Not sure frankly. He can't get the ropes tied or untied right, and basically, they lose the challenge.
And, CHRIST, Coach has every one GET ON THEIR KNEES and thank the spaghetti monster. I'm thinking if Coach pulled this shit at a state run publicly financed school of learning he'd be shown the door. Well, unless it was in Texas.
They to to the movies. Yea, and eat. Coach is all family family family. I clearly needed more alcohol for this episode.
Oz is throwing another hissy fit. Kicking the walls and generally losing it. Woody things he's probably not gonna keep his plan and will be getting rid of the woodster. On their return, he tells Woody "you lost it for us". Woody's upset. Oz still wants to get rid of Woody, so he and Dawn are all, "you could totally beat Christine if you just believed in yourself". Seriously?? "It's time for you to redeem yourself". Quoting just about every BAD inspirational poster I have ever seen. Woody's all "Um, I just don't think I could pull off the I'm indestructible, you better be shakin' in your boots, stupid bitch". LOL. I love when he says bitch, I don't know why.
Fortunately for Woody, Oz has a dream about beating Christine. He goes out and gets the idol, and says "I want you all to vote me out". LOL, Jim is loving this! Keith doesn't think it's wise. "If the merge doesn't happen, we're screwed".
Let me take a moment to comment on something that I have left until WAY too late. Usually about now these men are looking all smelly and gross, and the thought of going out into the jungle with one of them is totally disgusting to me. HOWEVER.....and DO NOT TELL JEFF, but I would totally cougar on Keith and make him beg for mercy. Seriously, I'd go all Jane on that Tarzan until his loincloth burst into flames and he begged for help from the animals.
Ok. Tribal. Jeff's in blue but I'm still smoking a cigarette from Keith.
Oz, you showed a lot of emotion today, was there finger pointing? Yes, at Woody.
Woody: I panicked today.
Jim: Woody got frustrated and just threw his hands up.
Woody: Thank GOD I didn't crap myself.
Jeff: Does this happen a lot Woody? And do you sometimes ejaculate too early?? LOL
Dawn, how will redemption island help? If we beat Christine we have the numbers back for the merge
Oz, you plan is for someone from your tribe to beat her and return? How is Woody going to do that? With depends?? No, Jeff, I AM GOING TO DO IT. I had a dream for my own redemption
Jeff: Whaaaaaa???
Oz: We're gonna tell Christine Woody totally played me, that he's a mastermind.
Jeff: You left being an idiot last time....if you don't win the duel, you are gonna be the BIGGEST DOUCHE in Survivor history.....
Yep, they vote, Oz says, "oh I changed my mind......just kidding" and hands the idol to the mastermind. Good luck Christine!!!
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