Amazing Race Week 2

Welcome to Amazing Race!  It's been on long enough that Phil has finally learned to say "eliminated" in 'Merikan.  So, yea, week 1 didn't get written up.  Here's the low down.  Teams left CA to fly to Shanghai, so they are doing the race backwards this time around.  The team who comes in first on this leg has the potential to win 2 million dollars if they win the whole thang.  Unfortunately we are NOT doubling the pool winnings.  So, 2 flights to Shanghai, table tennis followed by and eating challenge where my idiot Monster trucker didn't read the clue, the search for an abacus, which no one can even pronounce anymore, the legless girl is too slow and Abby and Ryan come in first place.  Rob and Sheila come in last and are eliminated.  Got it?

Week 2 starts in Shanghai and I am starting to get a feel for these teams.  Fly to Indonesia and find the Alun Alun stadium.  Everyone SHOULD be on the same flight to Jakarta, except my asswipes Monster Truckers decide to fly through Hong Kong-never asking how long the layover is.  4 freaking hours.  Once in Jakarta there is an earlier flight but the Rockers end up being the only team on standby that gets on.  LOL someone is calling them "Long Hair-Don't Care". 

And of course, it's one of those everybody sit around until 8 am when the place opens.  Rockers get number 1, then everyone else but the truckers arrive.  Hmmmm, WHERE ARE THE TRUCKERS???  Yea, they're still on an airplane telling the cameraman that "we might be first".  Nope, you are dead last. 

But fortunately it's a pretty lame challenge where teams have to get on moterbikes and race bulls on a cart.  And I didn't zoom in but in order to get a pull to go FAST you either pull it's tail or repeatedly poke it in the butthole.  Even when you lose, you get the clue which is LAME.  So everyone finishes in the same order. 

Then it's on to a roadblock.  Who likes to Party??  Chose 4 kids and have them ride on a bicycle driven carosel while you make them balloon hats and poodles.  Apparently when Indonesian kids go to the park THEIR parent's don't STUFF them full of junk food because  no one vomited.  "Gays are naturally good at balloon animals", which is a comment I an soooooo not gonna touch, is also incorrect as the gay little goat herder falls waaaaaay behind.  And, what the hell is with the Indonesian girl in the Harry Potter glasses handing out the clues?? 

Take a taxi to the Wijaya Motor Shop (which has nothing to do with vaginas, much to my disappointment).  Nor does it have to do with Wijaya Tires, or Wijaya Brothers which are the other places dumb cab drivers chose to take people.  Apparently the Wijayas are a large mafia. 

It's a Detour (and is it me or is Phil no longer explaining the difference between a roadblock and a detour??).  Ice by the pound or Fish by the barrel.  In ice, teams have to deliver 10 65lb blocks of ice.  In fish, teams have to sort through 2 barrels of fish and set up a fish market stall.  Only the OH MY GOD SO FREAKING ANNOYING Sri Lanka girls do the fish.  Seriously, they are so goddamned annoying I cannot take it. 

Everyone else is doing the ice, while the little gay goater is still trying to make his first condom hat.  Lost are the truckers, the rockers and Amy/Daniel who have no nickname. 

The annoying Sri Lankers finish the fish first and find Phil.  They are team number 1 and Phil tells them they smell of fish, which is kinda rude.  They win the Express Pass.  One by one the teams finish the ice and make their way to the pitt stop.  The rockers finally find the ice.  Right about now the goaters finish the challenge and the little goater is all shaky and upset.  They arrive at the ice at the exact same time as the truckers, so they think it's a race to the finish.  Amy/Daniel are still lost-she asks if someone can call information and is told "there is no information in Indonesia". 

The truckers finish and it's just the goaters, who have dropped their ice and have to repack their cart.  Unbeknownst to them Amy and Daniel have arrived and are closing the gap with the ice.  CBS tries to make you think it's even close, with the big goater saying, "I'm not even going to run, let's just wonder through the market saying hi to everyone. 

They finally arrive at the pitt and Phil tells them they are only team 9, so they are all happy.  Amy and Daniel are team 10 and are sadly eliminated. 


1. Natalie and Nadiya    Jeff and Eileen
2. Trey and Lexi                Amy
3. Jaymes and James        Joanne
4. Abbie and Ryan            Ginnie
5. Josh and Brent            Susan
6. James and Mark         Betty
7. Caitlin and Brittany       Kevin and Matt
8. Rob and Kelley        Elayne
9. Gary and Will            Karen and John

Out
11. Rob and Sheila             Donna
10.Amy and Daniel        Lori

Survivor: Can I Haz a Cookie??

It's raining, it's pouring
Angie is whoring
She went to bed and humped his leg
And might get the boot in the morning.

Welcome back!!!  Is everyone caught up?  Jeff tells us once again that this season has DEADLY ANIMALS AND FEROCIOUS STORMS.  And a few ho bags. 

Blue has the blues.  They are Zaneless.  Now Denise will NEVER EVER get the story of the tattoos.  Russell has ONCE AGAIN decided to take a step back policy.  Angie and Malcolm have been snuggling, which is a nice term for dry humping.  Roxy is very very tired from watching them snuggle all night.  Malcolm admits when he first saw Angie's giant and fake breasts he was afraid he was gonna get bootie blind.  Roxy ain't happy, thinks it's a Booby trap.

Yellow. RC is nervous about the rice getting wet so she sticks her dirty hands into the rice bag to feel it up.  She ends up with the idol clue, which she is hiding when Abi sees her.  RC shares the clue with her but Abi is all Brazilian Getto on her.  Abi tells her she is too close to Mike.  RC says, "I think of Mike as my father, and anyway you are close to Pete".  Abi tells her "you're my friend but if you screw me over you are dead to me.  DEAD TO ME I tell ya".  LOL. I'm so glad my BFF Karen Sellman isn't Brazilian. 

Red: Jeff is struggling with his knee and the rain.  He's a freaking whiner.  Next he'll be complaining that this game is ONLY for one million.  So they are all sitting in the shelter, in the rain, and they decide to  make up a checker board.  Jonathan just wants them all to get the hell out of camp so he can find the idol.  Finally the kids all go to the cave to get dry and Jonathan goes off hunting.  Seriously, try this next week.  Close your eyes when he talks and tell me he does not sound exactly like Alan Alda.  He's crawling all over the place when someone comes back to get the flint so they can smoke a doobie in the cave, so he tells them he lost a lens and is looking for his glasses.  Question: do some of these people wear contacts??  And how unsterile is that??? 

Finally Jonathan goes back to the rice box, peels the emblem off of the top and finds it is actually the idol.  He's thrilled. 

Blue:  Malcolm and Survivor Barbie are still snuggling and Roxy is still pissed.  She tells Russell she wants her out.  She then talks to Denise about it.  Denise, who is in an alliance with Malcolm, is a little concerned that the tits will win out in the end.  Malcolm suddenly feels a weird vibe in the camp. 

It's raining on the Yellow tribe too.  Blair has a breakdown.  She's apparently shy and has had to rely on herself since she was 12 years old and went to LA for the Mickey Mouse Club.  Seriously, that mouse club is responsible for half of the drug addicts in LA.  Blair walks off to cry and all those mean people talk trash about her looking for the idol.  I'm rooting for Blair, totally. 

Blue and wet.  Roxy is having her meltdown.  Just sitting there doing nothing. "I thought being a good christian God would never let me get wet or cold".  Finally the sun comes out and she goes into her praying thing.  Denise isn't into prayer apparently.  "Is she speaking in tongues or what???"  Yea, kind of an uncomfortable  moment.  Russell and Denise are worried because she is weak. 

Challenge time.  2 people pull an apparently really heavy sled, load it up with puzzle pieces, drag it back 3 times.  One person is a caller and the other 2 do the 3 puzzles.  Wanna know what you're playing for??  Tarps and blankets for the first tribe, a tarp for the second. 

Russell asks Angie if she could run the sled thing twice.  She says no.  Roxy also says no because "I haven't had enough to drink".  Of course these 2 women can also not do puzzles so he has to use them in the sled.  And they suck it. 

After the second trip for pieces, Angie is just laying on the ground while everyone else works on the puzzle.  Lisa is a really good puzzler and does the calling.  Yellow comes in first!!  Yeah Blair!!!. and it's down to the wire but Red comes in second.  The blue team loses again and Russell freaks out, throws a puzzle piece and yells "I'm PISSED OFF.  Either go hard or go home.  These folks have to get their heads out of their butts". 

Back at camp he's still mad at both Angie and Roxy for saying they couldn't do it before they even tried.  But, he relies on Roxy for information.  Roxy goes all "gangster" on Russell about getting rid of Angie.  "She's Miss America all damn day long".  Personally I agree with her.  Malcolm and Angie watch her to gangster. 

Russell talks to the voice of reason, Denise.  "Angie isn't as innocent as she appears".  Denise is in the middle between the Russell/Roxy side and the Malcolm/Angie side, even though she has an alliance with Malcolm.  I'm hoping she takes him aside and tells him to stop thinking with his little Malcolm. 

Tribal:
Denise: Was Russell accusatory at the challenge?  Yes but I get it.
Roxy: What would you change about the tribe so far?  These people work to damn much.  Put too much energy into taking care of stuff. 
Denise-We need to work to be strong for the challenges
Angie: what would you change?  We could have cookies!
BLAAAAMMMM Jeff's head explodes.  WTF???
Malcolm: Um , cookies would be nice...
Jeff: Really??? In a game for a million dollars???
Russell-Jeff, she has wonderful tits but this whole thing is new to her. 
Roxy: There are friendships and somethin' somethins' going on between Angie and Malcolm.
Malcolm: WASSUP Jeff?  You know you are a playa as well.  We sleep together but we're just friends.  She's like a sister to me.
Roxy: well that's CREEPY. She's been a booby trap from the start.
Russell: whenever 2 people have a tight friendship it's dangerous. 
Angie: Well, Roxy can have her opinion.
Jeff: WAKE THE FUCK UP, TITS!!
Roxy: Even if there is only a small chance, it's dangerous.

Time to vote......and ROXY is out on her ass. 

Survivor Phillippines Week 1

Yo yo yo!!! I am loving this 3 little tribes thang. It's the first time ever I actually know who everyone is after the first week! No hiding on this season!

 

So, we're in the Philippines. I think we've been in the Philippines many times lately. Probst must like the hookers there. 

 

So, 15 AMERICANS (technically not true but I'll get there later), 3 tribes and HOLY SHIT WHAT A COINCIDENCE, they are all wearing their team colors!! What are the odds of THAT happening??? 

 

Jeff is giving his little speech about Survivor and how DANGEROUS IT IS. He asks Roxy what the worst thing she ever saw happen on Survivor and she gives this dramatic reenactment of Russell passing out and having to leave the show. Which tells me that bitch is too young to have watched season 2, because YOU KNOW the real answer is the dude who fell into the fire and had skin hanging off his hands. Ah, season 2, Australia, still the toughest season ever and the last time I believe anyone actually went hungry on Survivor. 

 

Ok. So here comes another fancy boat with the 3 returning Survivors. There's Russell from Samoa-the actual dude who fainted in the challenge, Jonathan from Fan vs Favorites who left with a cut on his leg because the australian medical lady said he COULD DIE, and Michael the burn victim from Australia. He's looking good! And HOLY FREAKING SHIT, they are all wearing the proper colors for their teams too!!! WOWZA is that a coincidence!!

So, yea Blair Warner is on this season but apparently no one is old enough to have watched The Facts of Life because she looks exactly like she did in the 80's. Only Michael recognizes her but doesn't say anything.

Yea, there are hidden idols this time around but thank you baby jesus no redemption island crap. 

 

"You have 30 seconds to grab stuff and get onto your team rafts". And of course, my damn baseball player has to freaking hurt himself jumping off the damn boat! Christ. 

 

The blue team is Matsing, which I think is a monkey. Russell is assigned to that one. He goes on and on about how the person who is the leaders is a giant target, but then takes on the roll of asshole leader. There's a blonde chick named Angie and a hot guy named Malcolm. Malcolm apparently used to live in Micronesia and knows how to start a fire. He walks Russell through it and they get fire in like the first 10 minutes of the season, which is amazing. Russell totally takes credit for it. 

 

Red team is Kalabaw, which is an ox like animal. This is Jonathan's tribe. I am starting to remember that he was an ahole last time. Jeff, the bballer, is bitching about his knee and a possible ripped MCL. Suck it up or leave now so I can get the alternate buddy. Jeff tells everyone that Jonathan is a good guy but he shouldn't win, one of the others should win. They decide to use him for info and them get rid of him. 

 

Yellow team is Tandang, which is a rooster. This is Michael's tribe full of very young and very energetic people, oh and Blair. Yea, that ain't gonna work. RC is an investment banker pretending to be an administrative assistant, mainly because everyone in the entire world hates bankers these days. She and Abi are all huggingly glad to be on the same tribe. Abi is in fact not American but Brazilian in American on one of the millions of lady-parts waxing visas. They decide they want Peter (because he's kinda dumb), and Michael in an alliance. They go to ask Peter and I SWEAR Abi's left tit was hanging out while they were talking. They don't trust "the old lady". OUCH. 

 

Apparently all the tribes forgo shelter and fire to instead instantly form alliances with complete strangers. 

 

Red tribe: Jeff is telling people he is a rancher from Texas, and that he sells motorcycles. Dawson, however, recognizes him and decides to save that info for later. Jonathan is off idol hunting while everyone else forgets about the idol. He looks everywhere and then realizes the only thing that was already on the beach was the box with rice. Inside he finds the first idol clue. 

 

Yellow: Blair is strangely shy and bad at this game. She for some strange reason is standing in the water with her jeans on and won't take them off with the other girls. She tells them she does a ministry for moms. Privately she goes on and on about the reason she is on Survivor is to "find herself" and "who she is". Jeez. Just give all of us "old ladies" a bad name! Oh, and apparently she lost all of her money in the 80's. She offers to work on the fire while everyone else runs around talking about her and scheming. RC doesn't like her. Michael can't figure out why she isn't using her fame, and asks her about it that night. She's pretty wishy washy about it. Michael is totally accident prone and keeps hurting himself. 

 

Blue tribe: Zane is a drop out with a frankNstein tattoo. Denise, the sex therapist, is intrigued by him and his tattoos, says "there's a story in them". I believe the story is he's a standard issue redneck but hell, let her look. Zane thinks he's the "perfect survivor player", which is typically said as the kiss of death. Zane goes on to form an alliance with everyone individually, and then tell Russell and Malcolm that he's in an alliance with everyone else but he's REALLY in an alliance with them. LOL. And, BANG, Denise and Malcolm form an alliance that seems interesting to me. Russell also finds the clue while making rice. He goes off to the beach to read it and Zane sees him. He asks him later about the idol and Russell says "I don't need it and if I see anyone looking for it that'll put a target on their back". 

 

Challenge. For immunity (2 of them) and fire stuff. Teams pair up into 3 pairs. The first pair run into the jungle and retrieve paddles. Second pair paddles out to unleash a giant box full of puzzle pieces which the final pair uses. "I'll give you a few minutes to strategize". Russell uses the time to be a massive dick, telling people to basically shut up and listen to his assignments. He says he sucks at puzzles, and Angie says so does she. Immediately Russell assigns her to the puzzle leg. 

 

Russell and Zane do the first leg and Zane is so out of shape Russell has to basically drag him back, but they still beat the red tribe out of the jungle. Red makes up a lot of time and they are neck and neck with the yellow tribe going into the puzzle. Red wins first place and yellow comes in second. Blue sucks it and have to go to tribal council. 

 

Back at camp, Russell is giving a "you have to dig deeper in Survivor" speech, and Zane interrupts and says, "Russell you had to pull me and I ain't built for Survivor. Let me go". Privately he says this is a giant ruse to feel them all out and make them ask him to stay. Uhuh. Or he's mentally unbalanced. 

 

Russell talks to Roxy and Angie, says it's Zane. He walks away and Angie starts bitching about Russell making her do the puzzle. She doesn't like Russell, prefers Zane because he's funny. Yea, that'll help in the upcoming comedy challenge. She tells Zane she doesn't want him to go. Malcolm also tells him to stay. Zane says he's pretty sure Russell has the idol. Malcolm tells Denise Zane thinks Russell has the idol, but she still doesn't want to get rid of the stronger Russell. 

 

Tribal, Jeff is in dark blue. Does his get a torch because that represents your life speech. 

 

Denise: I have mixed feelings about there being returning players but right now Russell is an asset to us

Zane: It's like an onion, Jeff, the more you peel it the more you cry

Jeff: What the what??

Zane: The more you uncover the layers the more Russell becomes a threat.

Russell: Yes, I blew it by being a massive asshole in the first 3 days.

Malcolm: he did come on a little strong

Russell: I would be shocked to be first to go, like a dagger in my heart

Roxy: He came on too strong

Angie: yea, he MADE ME DO A PUZZLE. And I was hoping to get through the entire freaking season of Survivor without ever seeing A PUZZLE. I mean, has there ever been A PUZZLE before on Survivor???

Rusell: She's right, I should have listened to her and NEVER EVER had her participate in anything with a puzzle.

Zane: Hey, here's a fun fact, I quit smoking the day I came onto the show! So I'm fat, slow, have no lung capacity AND I'm suffering from withdrawal. But I did say I couldn't run, and who knew anyone would have to do physical stuff on survivor! I mean, I kept meaning to quit smoking and exercise before I came here but shit, there was always a good NASCAR race to watch in my trailer.

Denise: There is a responsibility for your performance in challenges but there is also bad leadership.

Zane: I told them, I'll step aside if I'm holding them back.

 

Time to vote. Idol? Nope. Zane is voted off, proving he is in fact the perfect Survivor player. 

 

"Son of a bitch!!"

Survivor: One Uterus

Dang, finale tomorrow night!!  Can't wait. 

Last week saw Kat get her funny blindside and man oh man was she a mad bitch at tribal this week!  LOL.  Guess it wasn't that fun after all!  And if you watch the Ponderosa clip of her arriving at camp, she had to be accompanied by the Survivor Psychologist. 

OK.  So now it's all scrambling for top 4.  Tarzan has a plan.  He talks to Kim, says take me to 4 and I will talk you up once I get onto the jury.  He badmouths Alicia to her and tells her Chelsea is basically her biggest threat. 

Then he turns around and tells Alicia if she keeps him until 4 "I'll talk you up to the jury". 

Chelsea tries to pull Christina in.  Tells her she will take her on reward if she wins because Christina is so hungry.  Christina runs right back to Alicia, Tarzan and Kim and tells "her alliance" what Chelsea said.  Kim is worried that Chelsea might blow her cover so she goes and tells Chelsea what Christina said.  Chelsea is pissed off. 

Challenge: It's a dizzying one.  Survivors have to spin around poles to unscrew disks, then use the disks to decode the 3 numbers that unlock a flag.  Wanna know what you're playing for?  A night on a luxury yacht. 

Chelsea wins reward and says she is going to use fairness to chose who goes.  Picks hungry Sabrina and then picks Kim.  Totally stiffs Christina. 

Back at camp, Alicia is totally pissed off.  As is Christina.  Says it was not in fact fair to pick Kim since she has been on 3 recent rewards.  Alicia, Tarzan and Christina are thinking that Sabrina, Chelsea and Kim might in fact be in an alliance and decide to force Kim to vote off Chelsea to prove her loyalty.  Tarzan tells them that "Kim and Chelsea are deceiving you guys". 

The yacht is wonderful, they get clean and all decide that they are final 3. 

Next morning Tarzan is crabby.  Wants to make the coconut his way which Alicia is afraid means straining it through his buff which apparently has been near his ass.  Alicia and Kim talk and Kim puts the idea in her head that Tarzan is playing them both.  Mentions what he said about the jury and Alicia says, "hey me too".  They are convinced that Tarzan is playing them  both and they would have looked like total idiots.  Alicia gets her "ghetto Puerto Rican" on, as well as her ghetto leopard bra (which is still tight as hell) and they both tell Christina what they heard. 

Challenge: it's a one hand game of barrel of monkeys to pick up puzzle pieces and then assemble a fish puzzle. 

Alicia wins immunity. 

At camp Tarzan calls her a bitch for winning the challenge and says "I should have won it wasn't even physical".  Niiiice. 

Kim talks to Sabrina and says that she conned Alicia to not trust Tarzan, but she also tells Chelsea that she might go.  Chelsea is pissed about going before Christina who "doesn't do anything".  Sabrina tells her to take it one hour at a time and Chelsea decides that Kim needs to work on Alicia. 

Tarzan and Alicia talk and Tarzan says "I sense you don't want to take me to final 3..."  She assures him that is not the case.  For some reason Tarzan wants to wear Kat's pink tank top to tribal and also her bathing suit bottoms on his head, which the ladies think is highly unsanitary. 

Tribal:  Kat is one pissed off jurist! 

Tarzan why are you still here?   Because I helped the ladies get rid of the men. 
Sabrina: He's still a man and IT'S A RISK TO TAKE HIM
Tarzan: I put Kat's panties on my head and they all freaked out. 
Sabrina: I think he is totally playing us.
Alicia: I wanna bitch about Chelsea taking Kim on reward. 
Christina: I was disappointed that she broke her word
Chelsea: You broke yours 5 minutes later...  And anyway TARZAN IS TOTALLY PLAYING US
Tarzan: I am not playing them.

Vote.  Tarzan is the last man standing but no longer!  It's a game on hormonal mess tomorrow night!!

Survivor: Ahh, young grasshopper...

So I flat out didn't get last week's update done because the Dad was back in the hospital.  He's fine for now...  I'm bummed because I had a totally awesome riff on the slip and slide challenge.  Bottom line, Troyzan is no more.  On his way out the door he leaned over and told Kat to "do it". 

Alicia is all up Christine's ass again.  Perhaps because Christine doesn't have a giant ASS?  I mean, come on Alicia, try laying off the carbs.  "Christine is stupid.  She showed that to the jury".  And you my dear have shown yourself to be a crazy ass mean girl.  Alicia is all worried about Sabrina because she can talk and make good arguments.  Alicia informs us that "I am in control".  lol.  You can't even control those boobs of yours. 

So Kit tells everyone that Troy told her to "do it" but is all "I have no idea what he was talking about".  Hmmmmmm.  Great way to keep working that into everyone's brain Kit.

Treemail.  Ugh, it's the Sprint family video thing.  It is seriously boring.  Christina's dad just had a kidney transplant so he's apparently got limited time, and Tarzan's wife Terri is just a bad bottle blonde.  Not what I expected of a plastic surgeon's wife.  Sabrina is all "Tarzan needs to get time with his wife of 30 years because he is 65 and they both could drop dead at any moment".  LOL. 

Challenge, with the families.  And OMFG do they drag this on an on and on.  One by one.  And what a surprise, Alicia's sister says that they are not an "emotional" family.  Oh, so she's a freaking mean bitch too?  Tarzan's wife comes running out with her big ass artificial jugs just bouncing all over the place.  Wowza.  Oh, how weird is this?  Kat's cousin comes in and Kat like crawls on all fours like a dog and then they do some weird talking thing.  Just freaking WEIRD. 

It's a rope challenge, horizontal and the pairs have to undo the puzzle aspect of it.  Whatevs.

Skip to the chase, Kat wins reward, which is some food thing with alcohol.  She wants to hang and drink with her 2 best buddies so she takes Kim and Alicia with her. It basically pisses everyone off.  At the reward Kat is obnoxious.  "We're the top 3"!  Kim talks to her sister  and she says, yea these are  probably the 2 morons I'm going to the finale with.  Alicia is just delusional that people like her. 

Back at camp Sabrina is annoyed that Kat didn't take Tarzan and Christina.  Chelsea admits that Kat screwed up big time on that one.  Plus, she is concerned about Troy's comment and the fact that the men like her.  Because basically every woman knows that men love to fantasize about having sex with incredibly stupid women.  And do not even try to argue with me on this one. 

When they return Kim and Chelsea talk. Kim still wants Sabrina but Chelsea is leaning towards Kat.  Kim is going to flat out stop hiding her strengths and go for all the immunity wins.  And, from the look at her mustache, her testosterone levels are quite high.

Challenge. Ahhhhh, no puzzle.  It's a 50 Shades of Blue challenge where Jeff has then all on a platform with their hands behind their backs holding onto ROPE, and gets to slowly lower the ropes down so they are hanging closer and closer to the water, and in pain.  Uhuh. 

Sabrina is first out.  Alicia looks at Kat who does a little dance.  Tarzan out.  Alicia out.  Chelsea out and Christina out.  It comes down to Kat and Kim.  Kat is basically pissed that Kim is going for it because "you win everything".  Finally Kat falls in and Kim wins immunity.  Kat is not a gracious loser.  She is pissed that an old lady of 28 kicked her ass. 

Alicia is easily swayed by the fact that Sabrina fell in first.  'I could beat her even with my fat thighs".  Thinks Kat was too strong. 

Kim and Alicia talk to Sabrina and tell her Kat, but Kim still wants Sabrina.  Back and forth.

Challenge.  Blue, meh.

Kat: It was so hard for me to chose and it really hurt my feelings.  Jeff: It hurt YOUR feelings??
Sabrina: she was clearly not playing strategic.  The 22  year old wanted to play.  She'll regret it.
Kat: Yea, I am young and naive.
Chelsea: She uses that 22 year naive excuse way to much
Kat: Hey, why is tonight all about me? 
Tarzan: She is 22 and an idiot.  She didn't get why it would be important to take other people but it doesn't bother me.
Jeff: At the challenge, Sabrina was first out.  I was surprised.
Alicia: I don't know if she was acting or not but I didn't know Kat had it in her.  She was a poor sport though.
Kat: Hey, wait, why is everyone bagging on me?  Pay attention little moron...

And in the best line of the season Kat says, "A blindside would be fun and exciting!"   After which she was totally blindsided and sent packing.  Booohooooo.  "I am mortified to have left before Tarzan and Christina.  I'll beg Jeff to let me play again".  Oh please no...

Survivor: Who's NOT Pissed Off??

It's Wednesday afternoon, so it's time for me to feverishly write up the blog.  Show of hands, who noticed I never did one last week?  Yea, lazy ass.  Ok, so last week Chelsea won immunity, the girls coalesced and Troy played the idol.  Since the women split the vote between Troy and Jay, Jay was left with that always surprised stupid look on his face.  Wonder if he realizes those girls are not his alliance yet??

And can I say, GAWD I miss Colton!!!  Who knew?? 

So, last week.  Troy is PISSED OFF.  Like REALLY REALLY PISSED OFF.  He knows he's next in line and he is "out to win".  He tells Chelsea "I feel like I should be here longer than 3/4 or these people".  She says it's just a game and he should take it like a man.  "Girls always get their stuff and then they dump the guy". 

Treemail: Individual envelopes with cash.  It's an auction clearly.  Troy knows there is usually an "advantage" sold at the auction and decides he is going to get it. 

Jeff is in that black shirt again.  Which he never wore until he got married.  I feel like it's a cry for help. 

Item 1: 3 donuts and an iced coffee.  Kim and Chelsea vie for it and Chelsea buys it for $160.  Must be Starbucks coffee. 
Item 2: The Karen Sellman Special: Chips, Guacamole and a Margarita.  Sabrina grabs this for $400.
Item 3: Protein shake and bananas, which little monkey man Leif snags for a measly $100
Item 4: A shower, shampoo and a toothbrush.  Kim walks away with this for $40.  Seriously, I wonder if you could have bought it and made someone else use it if it would have gone higher??
Item 5: BLT, chips and an iced tea goes to Kat for $180. 
Item 6: Peanut butter and chocolate has Kim coming out of the shower to purchase this for $200.  Alicia is too cheap with the Survivor money! 

Jeff asks Tarzan why he isn't bidding on food and he says that he's saving it to buy shocks for his car.  Either that or he knows there are hookers available for the jury. 

Item 7: Letters from home.  Awwww.  Alicia spends her whole $500 for letters from her Dad.  Jeff asks if anyone else wants to buy their letters?  Tarzan is crying and decides that it puts the car repair in perspective. 

Troy is also crying because he's all alone.  Nobody likes him, he has no alliance left...

Item 8 is the advantage.  Troy and Christine start bidding.  WHY did Troy not just start at $500 if he really wanted it that bad??  Stupid.  But everyone else is pushing Christine to increase her bid.  Troy finally gets it for $420 and is all PISSED off that they all want him off that bad that they're all in for Christine to buy the advantage. 

Item 9 is covered and comes with a note.  Kat buys it for $160 and it's an entire cake for the whole tribe, although they only get 60 seconds to eat.  Not very  healthy if you ask me. 

And with that the auction is over.  I always wonder what it feels like after all these days to suddenly eat a shitload of sugar.  Kinda like Easter morning in the no chocolate during lent households I guess-although thanksgod I have never lived in one of those households!!

Back at camp, Troy reads his advantage, "move directly to the second part of the immunity challenge".  He's also crazily looking for another immunity idol "without shame".  Why would you have shame?  And why are the rest of the  idiots not looking??

Everyone is bagging on poor Christine for not buying the note.  So for once they want Christine to stay around! 

Troy is looking all over for the idol, and Kim sees him and he fakes that he has it.  Everyone's freaking out, and Kim isn't the golden girl anymore. 

Challenge: Jeff is in dark blue.  Sorry, Jeff, Nene on Real Housewives of Atlanta suggests we ladies close our legs to married men. 

For some strange reason only Leif has painted his face.  Part one of the challenge is what I like to call the jewelry box challenge, aka untangling knots.  Only 3 people plus Troy will move on to the second stage, which is the bounce coconuts at a target challenge.  Only 2 will move onto the final leg, which is the fire coconuts at a target challenge. 

Moving on with Troy are Tarzan (yes, in that damn speedo), Kim and Christina.  Moving on to the final part are Troy and Tarzan.....................and TROY WINS IMMUNITY!! On his way over to get the necklace he says "Don't eff with me".  Which surprisingly does not go over well! 

Whole lotta pissed off people back at camp!  Tarzan tells Troyzan "when you win you should be noble".  Troy is pretty much FUCK THAT. 

And with that the paranoia sets in big time.  Kim and Christina decide there's no point in voting off a girl now just to do so, so it has to be a guy, leaving Tarzan and Leif on the chopping block.  Tarzan is helping little Leif wipe the strange makeup off his little face.  They're both kinda like, well it's you or me!  Troy decides to talk to the peeps he thinks are on the bottom to upend the game.  He's working it.  Alicia tells Kim that Troy is on to something...

Tribal. 
Troy, you seem to be showing a little animosity?  It's my competitive spirit Jeff, they are all gunning for me.  Sabrina, do you think it's just competitiveness?  He is competitive but you also need to be likable.  They go back and forth in a big fight that everyone else just sits back and watches.  Troy brings up his idea that Tarzan, Leif, Christina and  Alicia long with him could vote Kim out and change the game.  He says they would have the numbers to do it. 

Kim agrees they have the numbers but "no one knows who is at the bottom".  Oh, I'm pretty sure someone does, Kim!  Christina agrees that Troy's math works.  And Alicia says, "if someone would flip, the girls would be screwed".  Alicia isn't sure when the best time to make a move is.

And can I add, before they vote that I would be freaking PISSED off if I starved for 27 days and still had Alicia's thighs. 

Vote: Kim gets 2 votes, Tarzan gets 3 and Leif is the 4th member of the jury.  I'll miss you ya little monkey!!

The Uncola Survivor

Yo, so looks like Survivor has a new sponsor to cram down our throats.  7-up, the drink that no one really likes and only orders when it's the only non-caffeine option.  The drink you have to be stranded on a deserted Island for 23 days in order to like. 

And what a difference those 23 days have made to the women's tribe!  Who would have thought the ladies would be in charge of the game?? 

Jonas the sous chef took his chef jacket and went to jury land last week.  I mean, come on, I used to wear a lab coat to work but there is no way I would have worn it onto Survivor!  OK dude, WE GET THAT YOU ARE A COOK.  I'll have to watch to see if he wears it to tribal. 

Without Jonas, the men are a little nervous that the women are going to run the game.  Troyzan and Jay decide it has to be a girl that goes next. 

Treemail.  Yea, and a bottle of 7-up.  For today's reward challenge the tribe will be divided into 2  and will go to the Atlantis resort in the Bahamas to try out their water slide.  What?  They built a slide on Survivor?  Ok. So they have to go down the slide, run out into the water and bring back giant puzzle blocks.  When all the blocks are on the beach.....start the puzzle.  Wanna know how many times we can push 7-up?  Reward is a trip to the 7-UP oasis.  With food and stuff, and 7-UP.  Oh and here's a bottle of 7-UP for you all to swap spit on right now. 

The green tribe is made up of Jay, Troyzan, Chelsea, Alicia and Kat. The yellow tribe consists of Leif, Michael, Kim, Christina and Sabrina. Tarzan was not picked, so he sits out of this challenge and picks nits out of his chest hair.  I'll spare you the boredom of watching people do puzzles.  The yellow tribe wins the uncola reward. 


Leif does a flip into the oasis swimming pool.  I really like him, he is just like a little monkey and not at all creepy like most little people.  LOL.  Politically incorrect enough for ya, Sellman??  They grill meat and eat.  Later Kim and Sabrina sit by the pool and strategize.   Basically Kim has to decide whether to obviously break her alliance to the guys or to stick with the women.  They decide to get rid of Michael (Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo) and hatch a plan to tell Troyzan that Michael is talking smack about him. 

Back at camp the losers are talking about how they didn't really want steak anyway, and GOD KNOWS they don't want any more of that crappy soda.  Chelsea asks who they think they should vote out and the men are pretty determined it be Christina.  Kat starts pushing Michael and they guys start to get worried.  Everyone returns and they even bring a cooler of 7-up, because the crew won't even drink that shit. 

So, it apparently is stormy that night and some of the shelter blows away.  And then Tarzan gets caught taking some bamboo from the shelter to use as firewood and a little tiff occurs.  Chelsea bags him about it and Tarzan takes her aside and basically asks if she had a problem with the doctor that did her boob  job and if that is why she's mean to him.  LOL.  It was pretty amusing.  He really has some kind of personality disorder. 

Kim tells Troyzan that Michael has been conspiring against him and idiot that he is, Troyzan takes the bait. 

Immunity Challenge:  And, hey, it's a puzzle!!!  Walk along a ladder bridge unraveling a bag o' puzzles.  The first four then get to DO the puzzle.  Jay, Kim, Troyzan and Alicia get to do the puzzle.  It's a pretty hard 60 piece puzzle with different heights.  Jay wins immunity.

Will it be Christina  or Michael?  Lots of boring discussion.  Cheslea asks Jay to vote for Michael in front of Christina and Alicia which pisses Jay off since he thought Christina and Alicia were not part of their alliance, making Jay think there might be a girl alliance going on.  Everyone runs to Kim to tell her what happened and she's not happy either.  Kim goes after Jay and Michael and tells them they are voting out Christina.  It's apparently a big mess for Kim who is trying to work both sides of the street. 

Tribal is kinda boring.  No one freaks out or anything.  No one will admit to being afraid they are going home, to which Tarzan says "that means there is some big deception going on".  Michael says there are several alliances going on but he feels safe.

Vote: 2 Christina, 2 Tarzan and 5 for Michael.