Survivor Update: Flaming Balls of Anxiety

Welcome to this week's Survivor update!  Thank you for letting me skip last week, since you all know I spend Holy Week in church.  All week.  Every day.  8 hours.  In prayer.  For your gambling sins. 

So, now onto the recap.  Ok, so during Holy Week's episode the new alliance with Kass were all 'woohoo we're strong 6'.  Yet everyone scrambled to find the idol.  Spencer found the regular one but not the SPECIAL SUPER POWER one.  God, I hope it doesn't come with xray vision.  At tribal, Tony got 4 votes, and Morgan got 6 making her the next person on the jury. 

Tony says he almost pooped his pants when he saw his name, so he confronts Spencer as to why he was targeted.  Really?  You're that clueless??  He says Morgan wasn't worthy of winning and wants to know why he was a threat??  He rants to Tasha and Spencer, who tell him "we'd have gladly voted for Morgan with you if you had asked".  Tony says, "well I didn't need you then".  He admits that even with 3 sitting ducks it isn't easy. 

LJ and Trish talk about what a freaking whack job Tony is when he's pissed.  He is in scramble mode, which is never good.  Trish correctly diagnoses him with paranoia and OCD. 

Tony is afraid of LJ now.  Says (in one of his MANY MANY close-ups this episode) that LJ is sharp.  I want him to die but I need him to make a mistake.  He talks to LJ and basically corners him to say "if Woo has an idol he has to get blindsided".  That's all Tony needs to run off half cracked to say that LJ has targeted Woo, and to get everyone against LJ. 

Reward Challenge:  It's for a spa trip plus lunch of chicken wraps and egg rolls.  I guess they've totally given respecting the local culture these days.

Tony knows strategizing gets done on this break away trips so he is hell bent to win.  It's a throw a rope through a loop to open a box of sandbags, which have to be thrown/worked down a net tunnel, and then bounced into baskets.  It's a fun challenge and I think I will set it up in my back yard the next time I have a bunch of 4 year olds over. 

Tony is in a group with Spencer and Jeremiah.  Bottom line, they nail it with an easy win. 

At camp, LJ and Trish discuss how crazy Tony is.  LJ tells Trish that Tony is paranoid and wants Woo off.  They both decide they need to "put out Tony's fire".

On the reward, we never actually see if Tony gets a shower but I certainly hope so because even without smell-a-vision he stinks.  Spencer sees a chance to life one more day and he asks Tony if he wants to talk a little strategy.  Jeremiah asks Tony if he's comfortable in the game, and he says no.  He tells them that when the time comes he will approach them.  Spencer asks if that will be before or after they are gone. Spencer and Jeremiah tell Tony they're ready.  "I need you guys to help me stay...I have your back".  Jeremiah says they have no choice but to believe him. 

Tasha admits that it's a 3 vs 6 person game and she's probably done.  She approaches LJ to see if he'd talk to her.  Asks him to meet her at the water but he doesn't show up.  LJ: "Tony is a flaming ball of anxiety" and is watching everyone like a hawk.  Tasha knows that Tony is running the show. 

Immunity Challenge.  It's one of those 'you're so hungry let's fuck with your memory" challenges.  Remember sequences of colored tiles.  Tasha wins immunity!!! 

LJ: I say we split the vote in case Spencer or Jeremiah has the idol. 

Tony still thinks Woo might have an idol.  He decides to pin it all on Woo,  He tells Woo that LJ is shady and wants to blindside him.  Woo totally buys it 100%, further proving to me that Woo really isn't as smart as I thought he would be. 

Tony tells Spencer that Woo wants LJ out.  You are safe, just don't vote for me.  Spencer says it's like a BIG CHRISTMAS present.  Considers if it's a lie or not, but tells Jeremiah. 

Tony talks to Trish.  She's trying to calm him down but says LJ says you want to get rid of Woo??  No, LJ is the one who wants Woo.  I'm not proposing anything like that.  LJ is the problem, he's sneaky.  He tells her it's him, her and Woo as final 3.  Totally works her over to be against LJ.  Trish talks to Kass, who thinks it's totally crazy to make a blindside then.  Tony says he has to decide whether it's time to kick ass or kiss ass. 

Tribal.

Jeremiah admits the 3 are in trouble as there is a strong 6 alliance.
Kass is asked if she gives a shit about the 3.  It's a game, Jeff.  There are lots of moves yet to come and it's gonna get dirty.
Tony: It's confusion out there!  That's why I brought my bag of tricks that make me more confident.  He holds up his bag hinting he has an idol. 

Jeff asks, "if it's a strong 6 why be nervous?"

Tasha: There may be fractures
LJ says she's just HOPING there are fractures.  Says he was approached but there's no need.  Loyalty is huge in this game. 
Jeff asks Tony what he does for a living and he says "construction".  Sarah's head whips around on the jury.  He says loyalty is important in his work because of people stealing tools...or something.
Kass says that loyalty is fine at home but she checked that at the door. 
Woo says the 6 are strong but there will be a time for moves.
Spencer: I don't know who's on the bottom of the 6 but if you think that 6 is strong, it might be you.....

Time to vote.  No idol is played.  Jeremiah gets 3 votes, Spencer 1 and LJ is blindsided with the help of Tony and Woo. 

Bang.  Lots of happy faces on the jury!

Survivor: It's a Math Problem, Stupid

If X=11, then 1/2X+1> 1/2X. 

It's basic MATH people. 

Welcome to this week's AMAZING Survivor Update.  I personally am still scratching my head about whether Kass is a total idiot or not. 

As the episode starts, we are again, as we have been since day 1, ALL OBSESSED WITH THE MERGE.  It's all merge, all the time.  Will there be a merge?  Is it better to go into a merge with 6 people of 5 VERY TIGHT PEOPLE??  Will there be a basket of food AND WINE?? 

Spencer is all TOP 6 BABY!!!  We're in CONTROL of the game!  Let's all decide who our first 2 picks to go from the other tribe are RIGHT NOW!  Kass: If we stay strong we can win!!  It sounds so simple!!"  Yes, Kass, it sounds so simple because I am almost convinced that was on the script you were given last night when the cameras were off and the chinese take out arrived, 

And just like that, it starts to fall apart.  Kass and Sarah are strolling on the beach.  Kass tells Sarah she's worried about her and Jeremiah flipping.  Which apparently is totally an irrational thought since they weren't original parts of the brains tribe. Sarah gets all pissed off.  The demise of our tribe is gonna be in not trusting each other.  They shake. 

(Question, has it rained more than one day this season???)

Kass feels like Sarah hasn't really proven herself with one easy vote.  "Show me the blood on your hands from a former teammate and I'll believe her". 

Tony is bored because there's no drama to stir up.  Hang on Tony.  It's merge time.  Pack up and head over to the other beach.  Cue about 10 minutes of discussing 6/5, 5/6, 6/5.......We gotta be strong MAN, I love you all MAN. 

Along with the food comes a note indicating there is a new idol, with SPECIAL POWERS.  Tony says he's gonna relentlessly search for it but apparently he either doesn't or has no success.  They decide the new black buffed tribe will be known as Solarrion, which I believe was the name of the linoleum we put in the kitchen in my old house. 

Tony decides that Sarah is his hope.  And he begins manic phase Tony.  Seriously, this guy carries a loaded weapon every day??  After the daily Trish pilates class, they discuss "who is the head of the snake??"  Woo tells Tony he has to smooth things over with Sarah.  Tony's version of smoothing things over is more like "Stop and Frisk". "We'd have 6, it's a no brainer, you'd be #3 (I thought she was #2 already??), SWEAR ON YOUR BADGE.  It's Spencer of Kass.......

Sarah: It's 5-me-5.  A Sarah sandwich.  I WILL DECIDE THE FATE OF THE GAME .  Seriously, Mark Burnette you need to get some new lines.  Sarah, Jeremiah and Kass talk.  Sarah assures everyone LJ does not have an idol.  Jeremiah points out that he doesn't have it so it could very well be LJs.  Sarah wants LJ or Woo voted out.  Kass says, if Woo wins immunity it has to be Trish.  Sarah is a TOTAL NO FREAKING WAY on this idea.  And don't piss me off because I CONTROL THE DESTINY OF THIS GAME.  She accuses Kass of bullying. 

Kass doesn't trust Sarah.  Thinks she's in a 1 person alliance not a 6 person alliance.  Who made her queen?? 

Trish overhears Kass and Sarah having a cat fight.  Her horse head rears up at that. 

Kass, Sarah and Tasha go off to talk.  Tasha tries to calm Sarah down and keep her in line.  Sarah tells them again that she controls everyone's fate, to which they reply, "no you control your own fate only". 

Immunity Challenge.  It's that stand on a triangular platform in the water thing.  Every 15 minutes they have to change positions.  Basically everyone but Woo and Tony fall on the last transition.  A strong breeze blows fat Tony off his perch and Woo wins immunity. 

Sarah is still running around yelling ME ME ME ME ME, I GET TO DECIDE!!!!! 

Spencer wants Jefra.  Sarah again insists no one has an idol.  She wants Tony of LJ.  Kass thinks that if Sarah is about to destroy the game, she should do it first. 

Trish and Tony talk.  They decide Sarah is in charge.  She tells Tony he shouldn't trust her.  Trish wants to talk to Kass.  Tony wants one more chance to beat some sense into Sarah.  He starts beating her up again, all panicky and manicky.  Totally hard sell.  YOU GOT NOBODY ON YOUR SIDE.  SWEAR ON YOUR BADGE.  DO YOU LOVE ME, WILL YOU LOVE ME FOREVER, WILL YOU NEVER LEAVE ME, WILL YOU MAKE ME SO HAPPY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.....I GOTTA KNOW RIGHT NOW.....  LET ME SLEEP ON IT, BABY BABY, LET ME SLEEP ON IT......

Trish gallops over to Kass.  Kass tells her she's been replaced.  Trish feels her out on switching....asks her who she would vote for?  Kass says Sarah and WHAT A FREAKING COINCIDENCE, because that's who we are all voting for.  Oh, and would you happen to have any hay on you?? Kass thinks "maybe they're smarter than I think..."

Tribal
LJ: Yes, I am on the hot seat.
Tasha: The biggest threats need to go
Tony: Yes, there are different groups but I still think it's more important to align with who you are comfortable with not just the #s.  I'm worried tonight.
Kass: If I were LJ or Tony I would be worried.
LJ:  No idea if there are idols.  None have appeared yet...maybe it's a Survivor myth.
Tony.  I have one.  I'm gonna use it for my tribe.  He pulls it out and puts it on.  BIG MOVE TONIGHT JEFF. 
Spencer and Tasha start telling everyone "It's the other one.. vote for the other one..."

Jeff:  Hell, since I've totally lost control, let's just vote.

JEFF, JEFF, CAN YOU VALIDATE MY IDOL JEFF????????
Yes Tony, that is a legitimate idol. 
I'd like to give it to LJ.  And they're all smug!
LJ:  I'd like to do one better and give Tony MY idol!
Whaaaaaat???  LOL.

Jeff starts reading the votes, and the "other one" was in fact Jefra.  Who is all freaking out.  Smug faces are dropping.  Vote for Jefra.....vote for Sarah.....vote for Jefra......vote for Sarah......And the first person on the jury is.......SARAH. 

Whaaaaaa???  Who flipped??  Everyone thanks KASS for flipping. 

Spencer: YOU HAVE ZERO CHANGE OF WINNING THE GAME KASS.

We shall see!!

Survivor: It'

Survivor: We've Found Our Zombies

Hello!!  And welcome Spring you elusive fucker. 

So yea, I blew you all off last week.  Deal with it.  Sometimes you need to miss someone to understand how important they are to you.  On THAT week, the tribes were "merged" into 2 with a "schoolhouse" draw.  One is Apari, which means crappy old school video game in Cagayani, and the other is Solana, named after a tanning salon Jeff Probst frequents because he can go nude and not get recognized. 

Aparri, is now made up of Spencer, Kass, Latasha, Sarah, Morgan, Jeremiah and Alexi- so 3 brains, 3 beauty and Sarah.  Solana tribe, is Cliff, Woo, Tony, Trish, LJ, Jefra, Lindsey and Ton, so basically the brawn tribe plus beauties LJ and Jefra. 

The Solana tribe lost the immunity challenge, and Tony masterminded the removal of Cliff. 

And following that, upon return to camp Trish starts in on why they had to bamboozle Cliff and Lindsay wants none of it.  An epic rant follows with her telling Trish how much she disgusts her, how she has a big horse face with a horse pair of teeth.  LOL.  The two of them go at it, Trish telling Lindsay she has no chance and no alliance now.  Tony steps in and Lindsay storms off to the beach alone.  For a while.  And, then.......cue the night vision goggles and Oprah Probst who comes to sit with her while she babbles on about how she can't do this anymore, can't stand Trish and wants to leave to show her daughter how to remove yourself from a situation with dignity.  Of course, always wait until you've called someone an ugly horsehead to show dignity.  She doesn't want to flip out on Trish (OMG, Mark Burnette totally got hard at that thought), so Jeff lets her walk away.  So she can be the bigger person.  LOL.  And this woman works with sharp scissors every day??

Jeff goes to the tribe and tells them Lindsay quit.  Which causes...no real upset.  Tony: Turn the head and the body follows.  LJ, in typical beauty person, calls her a zit that was gonna be popped. 

Off to the Challenge where Jeff announces Cliff and also Lindsay are gone.  And they're totally happy.  LOL. 

It's the dropping buddha challenge.  2 people in the ring together, and first buddha to hit the ground loses.  I'll spare you the boredom.  Solana wins, meaning Woo and Tony get to go to Aparri and steal stuff. 

Ya know, I gotta say, Tony is really playing this game.  Not sure if it's gonna last (Sorry JEFF) but he is really working it.  He and Woo (who is a disappointment to me so far in his lack of wicked smart asianness). go and take comfort and fishing stuff.   There is also a clue for them to find an idol back on Solana beach, but Tony decides to mess with the tribe and they tell Jeremiah that it's a clue for one person on Aparri to an immunity idol.  Thereby placing a giant target on his back.  He reads the clue and realizes that it's the same one he had for the other beach  but Tony runs back and gets the clue so he can't prove that. 

And now everyone is suspicious of Jeremiah.  He points out that since they lost the challenge, why would there be a clue for them??  He tells them the clue is for the other island but nobody believes him. 

Back on Solana, Tony is flying on a super high.  Like CRAZY SUPER HIGH.  He tells the tribe what he and Woo did, basically says I LOVE YOU ALL, MAN.  Tells them he's really a cop and that for the first time THIS IS MY TRIBE.  So basically, as LJ points out, to prove that he's totally loyal to us he tells us he's a liar??  It apparently works on every else though.  Trish says she has a confession too, that she's really a man.  AND WHO ELSE THOUGHT JUST FOR ONE SECOND IT COULD BE TRUE????? 

Challenge.  Build a staircase, go through a maze, down a bamboo slide, untie a key to get a machete, cut a cord to get puzzle pieces, do a puzzle and use the answer to unlock your flag.  Whew. 

And they're off and you are TOTALLY GOING TO WANT TO GO BACK TO THE DVR AND WATCH THIS PART, because I SWEAR TO GOD when they all slide down the bamboo slide they leave a big long shit stain.  Collectively.  LMAO. 

Tony starts telling his tribe the numbers Aparri get, and then Aparri totally falls apart.  Solana wins immunity and Tony yells 'FINAL 5 RIGHT HERE BABY".  And......Sarah is all WTF????? 

Back at Aparri it's decision time.  And they finally give Alexis air time.  Wil and I were both like, WHO THE HELL IS THAT PERSON???" The logic is that since Tony thinks he has the numbers, he also things someone on Aparri is going to align back again with them.  Sarah has convinced everyone she is done with Tony, so strangely they don't consider her.  Since Woo and Tony gave Jeremiah the clue, they think maybe that's who they are bringing along.  Alexis thinks that and tries to lobby the brains to get rid of him.  The Brains and Sarah huddle and figure it should be one of the beauties who might be in alliance with LJ or Jefra.  It comes down to which is perceived as the biggest threat.  Kass points out that the brains have finally found the bodies to go with their brains, calling the brawns the zombies who they can manipulate to do their dirty work. 

Tribal.

Jeff asks Kass if it is safe to assume that the three Brain tribe members are together, the three Beauty tribe members are together and that Sarah is in the middle. She agrees.
Morgan chimes in that the Beauty aren't that close. 
Kass:  Apparently the pretty people weren't living such a beautiful life.
Spencer points out that the point of this vote is to fix the fractures and come up with a unified tribe
Sarah points out that she has no alliance, especially with the "final 5" comment.
Alexis keeps pointing out that there is the chance that someone will flip when they merge.  Yea, LIKE YOU PERHAPS??
She keeps pointing to the idol clue Woo and Tony gave him, insisting it was a way to woo (no pun intended) him in NOT to put a target on his back. 
Sarah is just happy that she seems to be safe.  She says again she isn't going to flip back. 

Time to vote.  And, apparently Alexis, who I knew nothing about until tonight is a big threat and so is the next person off the island.  She's probably still crying about it. 

Jeff points out that it was a big, unified vote  BUT..... he starts to sing "how deep is your looooove". 

Survivor: Ding Dong the Ding Dong is Dead

Hello, and Happy Survivor Day!  Hope you have all sobered up from your St. Paddies Day celebrations.  And by all I mean Matt.  LOL. 

Another fine episode of BBB last week.  After Brice flew off like a gay butterfly Morgan is mad at Jeremiah for turning against her.  She asks J why he voted for Brice in public, and he explains he had to stay with his original alliance. He's pissed she made him admit that, and by pissed I mean mildly confusingly not very bright annoyed.  Morgan tries to stir the pot by telling Alexis that Jeremiah originally was pushing for her because he wants to take over the tribe from LJ.  LJ hears this and perks up his little beautiful ears.  Alexis is now not trusting Jeremiah. 

Treemail. Something about "seeing" and everyone gets that it's the blindfolded challenge.  Because as we all know,  THERE ARE NO NEW CHALLENGES TO BE INVENTED.  The "Brains" tribe walks around practicing. 

Challenge: it's the caller leading blindfolded people through an obstacle course made up mainly of groin height boxes and barrels, with the added twist of the need to hoist the 5 recovered items up to the caller.  It's for reward only.  Chickens for the winners and a dozen eggs for the second tribe. 

It's a ball buster, basically.  Poor LJ gets hit in the privates so many times he's about to lose his logo "Hung like a  Horse Trainer".  The brain tribe is surprisingly doing well, basically because Jtia is kept to she sidelines and only gets to help hoist.  Beauty as usual kicks ass and ends up in first.  It looks like an easy win for Brains but they allow Brawn to come from behind in what Jeff calls AN UNBELIEVABLE AND UNPRECEDENTED RECOVERY.  Because the Brains have to rely on Jtia to hoist the flag, and she basically isn't able to lay a flag on a big giant wooden raft, the Brawn team wins the dozen eggs.  Spencer is furious. 

The beauty team arrive at camp with their 3 hens and a rooster.  Jeremiah finds the idol clue and reads it out loud, annoying LJ.  LJ has the idol but thinks it would have become a community property idol had they all found it.  I'm not even sure if anyone went looking for it!  The beauty tribe live up to their stupid stereotypes by trying to figure out how the eggs keep coming from the hens.  Do you need the rooster?  Do they need to have sex?  Are eggs asexual?  LJ solves the problem by pointing out that since dinosaurs also had eggs, the egg came before the chicken.  Jeremiah twists the head off the chicken, pretending to be a farm boy.  He's actually just a male model and none of them can figure out if they killed a hen or a rooster. 

Sarah is still obsessed with the Cliff/Lindsey story Tony told her.  She wants Cliff gone, to the point of talking to Woo about it.  Woo and she agree that he doesn't need the money, and decide it's their time for some bling.  Woo, although a good buddy of Cliff, is willing to affiliate himself with the majority.  Tony sees them talking and has a little panic attack.  He approaches Sarah who tells him Woo is with them.  So, basically it's 4 against 2 in their eyes. 

Treemail:  Sink or Swim.  They all think it has something to do with basketball.  Sarah wants to throw the challenge to get rid of Cliff.  She talks to Malnutrish, who's all whatever.  Woo isn't really into it but he has no principles apparently. 

Challenge:  floating platforms, swim down and untie 5 buoys, and then sink 5 shots in the basketball thingy. 

Sarah spends a lot of time in the water "trying" to untie one of the buoys, and she "can't get it".  Swims back. Malnutrish has the same problem.  They both lose a lot of time.  But unfortunately for their plans, the Brains team really is that bad.  Jtia, surprisingly, can't get the easy buoy.  Neither can Kass.  Or Tasha.  Basically Spencer has to get all of the buoys, totally ignoring the girls. 

Beauty is already shooting basketballs.  Still drama and slowness on the Brawn tribe.  Woo kicks it up and gets a buoy, as does Cliff.  It's a shootout between Spencer and Cliff, yet Jtia and Kass can't return the balls to Spencer very fast. Jtia even accidentally kicks it outside of the "court" area.  It's a disaster.  Cliff makes the 5 baskets and Brawn wins immunity.  Sarah points out that even TRYING to throw the game Brains suck too badly. 

Spencer feels gypped. "The girls are in the power position but all they do is run the tribe into the ground".  It's obviously between Spencer and Jtia.  Kass and Tasha talk.  "What is the logic of getting rid of Spencer??"  They both agree there is none, but they decide not to tell Spencer he is safe for fear Jtia will get nervous and lose her shit again.  They talk to Jtia to blow smoke up her ass and she's all LOYALTY.  Tasha starts to waver.  Hmmmmmm, maybe a crazy ass black woman with loyalty and nothing else really is better??? 

Kass doesn't really give a shit.  "Just make a decision and stick to it".

Tribal

Jtia:  I did my best today, but swimmin' isn't really my thang. 
Tasha:  Not sure what her thing is, she is always weak
Jtia:  I'm only weak in challenges but I got that whole outplay and outwit thing going for me
Jeff:  You kinda forgot the whole OUTLAST part there.... If you keep losing, none of you will be left.
Tasha:  blahblahblah strength or loyalty
Kass:  the rice thing was an emotional response.  I've been there,  Jtia just makes bad decisions
Spencer:  the rice thing doesn't bode well.  Unpredictability is dangerous.  I'm with them.

At this point Jeff points out that neither Kass or Tasha are listening, instead they are having a conversation about which way to vote. 

Spencer:  It's crazy and it's scary
Kass:  as someone sitting on the couch I'd be loving this.  Who knows which is the stupid move??  UM PRETTY MUCH ALL OF US WATCHING KNOW KEEPING JTIA IS A STUPID MOVE.
Spencer:  I'm loyal and I want to win challenges.

Time to vote.....  aaaaaand, leaving tonight is Jtia.  Now, I'm wondering if she left Survivor on that mysterious missing plane because some terrorist organization totally wants an insane rice burning woman with a background in nuclear engineering.....has CNN thought of THAT angle yet???

Survivor:How Do I Really Feel?

Greetings, and welcome to Survivor Wednesday!!  Yes, yes, one of these days I'll get this email sent out earlier in the week but, HEY NOT THIS TIME! 

Ok, so last time we spoke, the shit-for-brains team decided to keep a lunatic who dumped all of their rice.  Because of GIRL POWERZ or something.  Spencer is now the odd man out. Jtia (note:  I'm not even dignifying her with 2 capital letters) notes that "this tribe is a disaster".  Ya think?  And why would that be nuclear engineer??  Kass agrees to go with an all girl alliance.  Says, "YOU CAN ALWAYS REPLACE RICE",  and Jtia is loyal.  WTF???  YOU CAN ALWAYS REPLACE RICE???  With what??  Again, my major annoyance with this show lately is the total and utter lack of medically dangerous starvation.  Kass thinks because they saved Jtia, that she will somehow feel beholden to she and Kitty.  But that's the problem with psychopaths like Jtia.  The mere fact that they owe loyalty to someone else makes them infuriated.  And then dangerous. 

Over on Brawn, Tony finally tells Sarah that he is a cop.  She says she has cop-dar.  Tony works her-"imagine a 2-cop alliance".  She pledges loyalty.  And just to seal the deal he lies to her about Cliff and Lindsay wanting to get rid of her. 

STORM.  Yea, it's just rain so this snow weary girl isn't really that upset for them.  Woo is all EXCITED.  Woohoo, it's REALLY SURVIVOR BABY.  These people are worse than the "fans" -they can't WAIT for the game to get all miserable and deceitful.  Dude, it's gonna get bad enough soon enough.  Chill. 

Tony is still working Sarah.  He has an entire story concocted about Cliff and Lindsay.  They form the Blue Blood Alliance.  It's like curling up with a nice snake. 

And now over to the Beauty tribe, and thank you Mark Burnett for ACTUALLY accompanying this tribe with nice lilting background music.  Pageant girl is all upset. " It's a survivor nightmare".  NO, IT'S SURVIVOR.  LT doesn't think much of the girls.  "They don't do anything".  LT leaves the wet shelter and finds the idol.  Which is apparently not that well hidden! 

Treemail: It's a water throwing challenge.  Kitty makes everyone go into the water and "practice".  Which basically means Kass, Spencer and Jtai throw water at her cleavage. 

Challenge.  And, yes, it's the throw water into a bucket (actually throw a bucket from one to another, then throw the water to the third person), fill a cylinder up to release a ball and then complete a totally awesome vertical puzzle.  Wanna know?  Comfort and a tarp for the first team, and a tarp for the second team. 

Spoiler alert-the practice did not help the brains tribe.  They really suck.  Beauty comes out ahead and goes to the puzzle, followed by Brawn.  At this point I swear the producers just gave Brains the water because I never say them amass enough to raise an olive let alone the ball.  Brawn kills the puzzle and wins the comfort,  Fortunately Brains kept Jtia a loooong way away from the puzzle, and they come from behind to beat the beautiful people and win the tarp. 

Tony carries the goods back to camp and once again searches and finds the clue.  "These people are idiots".  They set up their Pier 1 Imports Survivor collection and the place really does look like a homey hell hole.  Sarah tries out the hammock and lands on her ass. 

And so now it's time for the beautiful people to scramble.  "The energy is about to turn dark".  It's apparently a choice between Morgan and Brice.  And now, the moment you have all been waiting for......Brice.  First up, on what criteria is Brice considered beautiful?  I just do not see it,  and puleeeaaaaze stop with the he's all fashionable.  He dresses like a character from an  80's sitcom on the CW network.  He says he is more than beautiful, he is "a social threat".  LMAO.  And he says that in his most annoying voice.  I seriously cannot stand him. 

Morgan thinks Jeremiah is with them.  They need to bring  in Jefra,  Is Jefra one of the Dugger kids?  Like once they ran out of good J for jeebus names??  Morgan talks to Jefra who is all confused.  Mostly because she thought her whole job was to be beautiful and not, like, to think.  She's all, people have alliances???  Jefra talks to Jeremiah, who tells her no, we're sticking with the original alliance, although he doesn't want to vote against Morgan.  They decide to split the vote, so it would be a 2-2-2 tie, and then to vote out Brice for the win. 

Jeremiah wants to take over the tribe.  From I guess LJ.  But he's upset because "somebody's feelings are gonna get hurt".  Awwwww.  Bless his HOT little heart.  Seriously, this dude is HOOOOOT IMO.  Like he could go 50 shades of whatever color he wants on me.  He reminds me of one of the older brothers on another 80's show-like one of those 8 is enough or something shows where there was always a hot older brother who you just KNEW was borrowing the big family station wagon and banging the HELL out of the cheerleader team, and then smiling as he drove his little brothers and sisters around in the studly sperm mobile. 

Tribal.  Jeff is in blue but, meh, I have  Jeremiah on my mind. It is perhaps the most boring tribal ever. 

ARE YOU JUST BUNCH OF BEAUTY CLICHES?  Um, probably although nobody on this tribe knows what the words cliche means. 
Brice: I'm beautiful.  I'm like a beautiful caterpillar who has turned into a beautiful butterfly, flying around being beautiful and eating plants.  LMAO-THAT is almost a direct quote. 
Jefra:  This has been like a big fraternity party, but without the keg and the group sex.  Then there was a storm.  And now there is paranoid.  And apparently there was strategery but I wasn't aware of anything because this beautiful butterfly was annoying the shit out of me.
Brice:  There were formalized groups yes.  Me and Morgan (MORGAN AND I YOU ILLITERATE SHIT) were on the outs.  Alexis has never talked to me.  And I'm, like?  Social?  Everyone should pull their weight DOT DOT DOT harumph.
Brice: TALK ON THE TOWN is there may be idols. 
Jeremiah:  Whatever happens, I'm gonna have the sadz.  But my hair is gonna look GREAT. 

Jeff is basically out of "tough" questions.  Time to vote. It's a 3 way.  Tie that is.  Revote....and Brice gets to fly off but not before standing and staaaaring at Jeff for such a long minute I thought he was gonna go in for the tongue. 

SURVIVOR: BEAUTY, BRAWN AND......

DUMBASSES.

Welcome to week 1 (and 2) of this season's Survivor, where apparently Jeff is still gonna TALK ALL THROUGH THE CHALLENGES. 

The good news?  NO REDEMPTION AND NO RETURNING PLAYERS.  The bad news?  THESE PLAYERS.  Let me just do a little recap for ya.  We have a police officer who's a liar, a hairstylist who looks like Bob Marley on a bad day, a chick with a freaking hello kitty bow in her hair, and anorexic Pilates instructor, a gay Urkel and on and on.  OMG, the nicknames write themselves. 

So, 3 teams of 6 each which means no one can hide early.  Jeff is all,  ooooooh, it's Brains, Beauty and Brawn, think you can guess which one you are??  Choose a leader.  Beauty goes with LJ, Brawn goes with Sarah and the "Brains" go with David because he is wearing a blazer.  Now, the leaders get to pick off the weakest on their tribes.  LJ picks Morgan because in the world of beauty you can be hot or cute, and hot can't be trusted.  Sarah picks the anorexic old lady, Trish.  Blazer man David picks Garrett, who is like Stretch Armstrong with apparently a brain ( extra points if you remember Stretch).  He chooses him because he's already playing the last 2/3 of the game. 

In a twist, the weakest are the first to get helicoptered to camp.  And, of course, they get a choice of an extra bag of rice or the clue to an idol.  Garrett takes the clue, and finds the idol.  His body and head ratio is wrong is some way.  Anyone??

Trish takes the rice.  Not that she eats carbs or anything.  Morgan takes the clue and has no luck finding the idol.  She tells the tribe that she had a choice and she chose fishing gear, rice and shelter.  Which brings me to the point of complaining about how much luxury these people are starting out with.  I mean, a BOAT???  WTF??  Why do I think reward challenges are gonna be for electricity, refrigeration and a Keurik system??  LJ doesn't trust her.....

The beauty tribe bangs out fire.  Mostly by staring at the logs with all of their good looks. 

Anorexic tells everyone she took the second bag of rice instead of the idol.  Which basically tells everyone there IS an idol.  The get to work banging out a shelter. Wooo recognizes Cliff as a basketball player, which is so amazing since he's 8 feet tall and there usually are former athletes on Survivor.  Sarah and Tony have this strange conversation where she asks him if he's a cop and he repeatedly denies it.  She is a cop as well.  I think she smells the donut residue on his fingers.  She thinks he's a liar. 

On Brains, the nuclear engineer, J'Tia tells everyone she has a total plan for building shelter.  She's a bossy pain in the ASS, alienating everyone AND the shelter falls apart before any weight is put on it. 

Challenge.  It's a pull a cart, get keys, unlock chests and carry them through an obstacle course and then, DO A PUZZLE.  There are gonna be a lot of puzzles this season.  Question- I see the advantage of brawn and brains in the challenges but how are they gonna do a beauty advantage challenge?  Catwalk?? 

Bottom line, brains SUCK.  Or as Jeff says, "DISASTER....UNBELIEVABLE.....NEVER IN THE HISTORY OF SURVIVOR...." and other bullshit.    Beauty comes in first, and gets more fire, brawn comes in second and gets flint and brains gets to go to tribal. 

David wants Garrett out.  Kass wants J'Tia,  I want J'Tia out.  Kass tells her, "I think you should go".  JTia gets all hurt and shit, can't handle THE TRUTH.  Why do I get the sense the world has always been telling her how "special" she is?  She and hello kitty girl commiserate, and Garrett small head joins them.  He thinks David is a threat and sets off to orchestrate his demise.  Garrett talks to Spencer who is kind of a pussy, frankly.  He's afraid David has an idol. 

Tribal.  Get your torch because IN THIS GAME FIRE IS YOUR LIFE.

JTia is all I know you are gonna be up my ASS Jeff  because I'm in danger.  I had a big plan for the shelter and it didn't work.
David: She came out strong.  It was all going well for her.... until it was not.
JTia gets all defensive.  I had a plan.  I'm really a relationship person.  LMAO
Jeff: DAVID, YOU PICKED GARRETT AS WEAK RIGHT OFF THE BAT??
David: Yes, I'm playing my end game now.
Garrett: Yea, that sucked because as everyone can see, I'm Stretch Armstrong with a tiny head chock full of brains.
David: He ain't going anywhere tonight.
JTia: It's the first part of the game we should be playing, so David should go.
Spencer, DO YOU WANT TO SAY ANYTHING?  Yes, Jeff, it is a big vote.  Blah blah, trust. 

Vote:  David is blindsided. 

Back at camp for another hour of this.  Garrett is all THIS IS NOT FUN.  I AM NOT BEING AMUSED.  THERE  HAS NOT BEEN ANY SURVIVOR STRATEGERY YET.

He and Spencer are together.  They shake hands with Kass who is like, I'm everyone's #3. 

 Brawn:  Cliff and Woo go fishing.  In a giant BOAT that just happened to be in their camp.  It's ridiculous.  They tip it over and Cliff has a great laugh.  Everyone loves Cliff except Tony, in his red underwear, which have burned my eyes. 

On Beauty, purple wearing gay Urkel is droning on about, god knows what.  Jeremiah and Morgan flirt, because basically that's all the beautiful know how to do. 

Back on Brawn, Trish tells Lindsay (aka Bob Marley) to get wood.  Big cat fight ensues with Lindsay calling Trish MalnuTrisha.  LOL.  And, another nickname is born.  Trish storms off to find Tony, and they bond over their totally not cool with the youngsters vibe.  Tony is busy building a SPY SHACK.  So he can sneak up on people in the shelter and overhear them. Cliff is his target. 

Another Challenge.  Swim out to a cage, climb in, untie something, get fish traps, swim them back to shore and then....wait for it........PUZZLE TIME.  This one is a REALLY HARD FISH PUZZLE.  Wanna know?  Basically an entire fish kitchen in a basket.  You know, the kind of reward saved for the end when people are hungry?  Yea, that.

JTia is a slow swimmer but somehow they pick up time and end up getting their traps first.  IT'S AN EXHAUSTING CHALLENGE.....YOU ARE GONNA NEED TO REALLY DIG.......

The brains are back on shore first and, hey, it's a puzzle so this is gonna be a slam dunk.  Except they let JTia do the puzzle.  And, she is a freaking idiot.  They have a long advantage where she gets nothing, and then Brawn shows up and Sarah bangs out the puzzle to win.  JTia is still shuffling fish around.  LJ comes from behind and Beauty takes second place.  JTia I think still only had 1 piece.  JTai: " I let my tribe down".  Ya think???

Brawn takes the basket of Long John Silver back to camp, and then searches through the basket to find the idol clue.  No one else apparently thinks about it.  He runs to the pond and finds the idol. 

Ok, so now for the meat of this show.  The Shit for Brains tribe.  Everyone is sitting in the shelter and Garrett says, "I'm saying JTia".  Let's do this without any side conversations.  He pushes Kass to announce that she is aligned with him and she says reluctantly, "yea, probably JTia".  Spencer agrees but thinks the open forum is totally ridiculous.  Hello Kitty has a meltdown.  I WANT CONVERSATIONS.  THIS ISN'T THE SURVIVOR I SIGNED UP FOR WITH THE SIDE CONVERSATIONS AND THE MANIPULATIONS.  Yep, another smart person who always gets her way.  Kitty has the SADS because Garrett and the other ones DON'T WANT TO PLAY THE GAME THE WAY SHE DOES.  She literally cries. 

Spencer thinks Garrett is an idiot.  Now we have to babysit JTia and Kitty.  Garrett wants everyone to just sit together so no one can talk.  What a total meathead.  Kitty and Kass end up at the water and Kitty starts working on Kass.  Says they can be one and two and that if they get rid of Garrett this week she PROMISES that JTia will be next.  Garrett and Spencer wander down to the water and confront them. 

Kass:  YOU DUMB ASSES LEFT JTIA ALONE???????  JTia goes all Brandon Hantz and dumps the rice in the fire.  Kass walks up and says, "who dumped the rice, the RICE FAIRY????"  JTia:"That's what happens when you leave crazy alone".  Garrett is all, "hey, it wouldn't have happened if we had all stuck together".  And no one is really that upset that THERE IS NO RICE. 

Tribal

SO I CAN SEE FROM YOUR FACES SOMETHING IS UP
Spencer: Garrett wanted an open forum, which was not a good idea
Tasha:  I wanted to talk to JTia
Garrett:  I wanted Kass to know we were with her.
JTia:  ok, ok, ok, Jeff, I threw the rice into the fire.  Not my best moment. GET OVER IT PEOPLE
Tasha:  She's volatile which is why I didn't want them to tell her she was going.
Jeff:  THIS IS WHY BLINDSIDES WORK.
JTia:  You spanked my ass publicly Garrett
Kass:  They are all paranoid.  Garrett left her alone when we went to wash our feet.
Tasha:  I FEEL STIFLED,  STIFLED I TELL YA. 
Garrett:  Tasha was upset about our alliance, I mean our tribe.
Kass says she is not in the alliance with Garrett.
Garrett says, "we shoot hands on day 4"
Spencer:  He said it now....
Garrett tries to say Kass approached Spencer and him but Kass insists that isn't the way it went down. 

Time to vote...... Garrett is the second person voted out.  Which begs the question, HOW BAD DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO GET VOTED OUT OVER A CRAZY WOMAN WHO DUMPS YOUR RICE????????

Jeff:  It's the ODDEST TRIBE EVER.