Survivor BEST EVAH Finale

WOOOOO FUCKING HOOOOOOO!!!!!  Wasn't that the BEST season of Survivor EVAH???  Holy crap, epic, and has there EVER been a more worthy winner than Sarah.  Seriously, they should JUST STOP FILMING the show because NO ONE WILL EVER BE MORE DESERVING as a winner!!!!!

On a totally unrelated note, congrats to Stacy and MOI for winning the pool this season!!!!  

My summary for the last show basically looks like this:

Bang. Immunity Challenge.  Brad wins.  Fuck.

Tribal

Basically EVERYONE plays some kind of idol, and only Cirie is left without one and goes home with loving remarks from Jeff.  

Commercial

BANG.  Immunity Challenge

Brad wins immunity.  Fuckety fuck.

Tribal

Aubry goes home.

Commercial

BANG.  Immunity Challenge.  Jesus, there's no interaction or talking this season!  The good news is we don't have to do the bullshit walk of former torches hall of fame.  

Brad wins immunity.  JESUS FUCKING CHRIST PEOPLE, WHY DIDN'T YOU GET RID OF HIM WHEN YOU HAD THE FLIPPING CHANCE?????

Sarah and Tai are paid by the producers to discuss whether or not to pull a tie and go for fire.  I mean, there has to be some intrigue in this finale.  Ultimately Sarah thinks, what am I nuts to go with fire???  

Tai is voted off.  

Final Tribal with Sarah, Brad, and that other guy.  LOL!  I think Troy gets one question and it's basically, who should win, Brad or Sarah.  

Brad does his attorney thing.  Lots of people shaking heads.  Sarah is basically all, you know I legit beat all of you and the only reason Brad is here is because he's an athlete.  

And TOTALLY SHOCKING TO ME,  the jury votes in the best way possible and SARAH WINS SURVIVOR!!!!!  

WOOOOO FUCKING HOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Thank you Nancy Dudak, official Accountant to Survivor Industries.  Pay up people, I need the money!  

And thank you all for your comments and amusements!  Have a GREAT summer and we'll be in touch next Fall.  

-Elayne

Survivor on Steroids

Tomorrow!  Tomorrow!  I might win tomorrow!  It's only a DAAAAAAAYYYYY AAAAAA WWWAAAAAYYYY!!

Woohoo! The have-never-won Bakers have 2 people still in the game, Tai with 2 immunity idols, and Sarah with an advantage and a vote steal!!  Who wants to bet Tai goes to the jury with those 2 idols in his pocket, and Sarah THE BEST GAME CHANGER OF THIS SEASON, loses??  

So, where are we going into FINALE??  After Sierra was voted off, Sarah looked "shocked", which Aubry pointed out to the other witches of Maku Maku.  They believe it is because, although she voted for her, that she is trying to gather favor on the jury with people she has screwed over.  Or as I call it PLAYING THE FREAKING GAME.  Sarah does get the legacy from Sierra which gives her immunity at 6 remaining people.  Sarah hates Andrea-WHO DOESN'T!  She wants her gone but wants it to be the right time.  

Immunity Challenge.

It's the Brady Bunch JAN, YOUR BRACELET!!! one handed house of card building.  While they begin building Jeff gives them the lowdown that Cochran set a record in this apparent "Survivor Classic" with a 174 minute win.  Blocks and houses are falling faster than an Oklahoma trailer park in a tornado but Aubry is steady as hell.  Until she runs out of blocks and has to go down a few levels and begin again with the 2 blocks leaning against each other style of building.  This works and Aubry gets it done in 6 minutes!!  Aubry barely has the necklace around her neck when Andrea starts talking about getting rid of my girl Sarah.  

Aubry wants Brad to finally go.  She talks to the girls and Michaela is all, wait, I gotta get him to catch some more fish before we shit can him.  She stalks Brad for fish and to make sure he's not looking for an idol.   He's not happy about her asking him to get her fish.  

Andrea starts to lobby for Sarah to go, but Aubry wants Brad.  She tries Ciri but she wants to keep Sarah one more week.  Ciri then tells Sarah that Andrea is gunning for her and Sarah thinks they should get rid of Andrea.  Ciri is weighing the options.

Tribal, and it's not even 8:30 so we are banging through 2 eliminations tonight because no one has had to be medivac'd out this season.  

Aubry says that there have been a lot of names put up tonight

Sarah says that if you trust your support you don't brake what isn't broken.  I love Sarah and always imagine she is like Frances McDormand in Fargo back in her real life.  

Troy, who I can't believe is still hanging around doing basically nothing, says they should use the people at the bottom.

Aubry says it ain't bottom feeding time yet.

Ciri says she was surprised at the lack of any scrambling today

Andrea agrees it was strange that there wasn't any deal making going on

Brad basically says what's the point in talking to Andrea since he's already voted for her twice.  He just hopes one of the other ladies will approach him. 

Sarah hopes the jury will reward a GREAT GAME CHANGER PLAYER, oh and she was just rhetorically asking that for a friend.  

Aubry says people underestimate the emotions of how they were voted out

Tai wakes up from his stupor and says blah blah personal relationships

Andrea,  hilariously, says game play should be rewarded but not people who rub salt by being nice all day and then voting someone out.  I think that's a hint to Sierra.

Michaela's great wisdom for tonight is: tonight is about advancing your group without screwing up your endgame.

They vote, and no idol is played.  Brad gets 2 votes and Andrea goes home with 5.  Aubry says, "nice play".

Jeff gets his required last word:  When all hope is lost, keep talking someone maybe listening.  I think he was misquoting Churchill.  

Back at camp, Ciri checks in with Aubry to see if she is ok.  She says she is but is upset that her ally is gone.  She says her game play is always highs and lows.  Tai sees she is upset and tries to comfort her, which Ciri notices and worries about how Tai plays on people's emotions.  

Bang, another IC.  This one is standing on a pole in the water, using a bucket to fill something and raise a key, swim in and use the key to get..wait for it.....puzzle pieces.  

Let's just cut to the chase.  Brad wins immunity.  Hellooooo people!!  Brad could steal the Baker's pool winnings!! Ciri says she is ready to take someone out who is a threat to her.  

Troy feels vulnerable so he is planning to take his idol to tribal tonight.  The fact that he still HAS an idol is ridiculously bad game play from the women.  Aubry and Tai talk.  Tai has decided he is now ready to make a big boy move and wants to get rid of Sarah.  Aubry wants Tai gone.  Aubry tells Ciri that Tai wants Sarah gone.  Ciri tells Sarah that Tai wants her gone, but Sarah trusts Tai more than she trusts Aubry.  To show how much she trusts Tai, Sarah gives Ciri her steal a vote advantage to "hold", telling her if Sarah goes home then Ciri can keep it but after tonight's tribal Ciri promises to return it.  

Ciri still doesn't trust Tai, and worries Sarah is going home tonight.  She talks with Michaela who also realizes Sarah going home could mess things up so she encourages Ciri to use the steal a vote to save Sarah by taking away her vote.  Ciri also decides to tell Tai what her plan is to save him at Tribal so he won't use his idol.  Ciri begs him to not tell anyone her plan, but now Tai is completely worried that people are targeting him.

Tribal

Sarah says there was a lot of sneaking around and lying going on today and she hopes she knows the truth going into tonight

Ciri agrees that there was a lot fo lying and untrue story telling.  

Michaela says something about only a few people are lying tonight but those that aren't lying aren't being trusted because of their past lying.

Tai doesn't like all of the lying because he is trusting

Troy gets his one line of tonight with "if you say too much it could be deadly.  Even favors can be deadly

Michaela says tonight's choice is between staying with your alliance or making the big move.  It's a time for risk or to just be happy where you are vote.

And then they vote BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! Ciri tells Jeff she wants to play an advantage to expose a rat and save someone.  She announces she is stealing Sarah's vote.

Sarah calmy slaps her down and says, "oh, that's my advantage and it's non transferable".  LOL!!!

Jeff has Ciri read the advantage which says it can't be transfered.  Sarah takes it back and goes to whisper in Tai's ear.  Ciri then whispers to Sarah that she is trying to save her, and Michaela backs this up.  They then get mad that Troy is listening in.  Brad tells Sarah not to believe Ciri and it goes off the rails for a bit.  

Sarah decides to steal Tai's vote.  They vote, no idol is played and MICHAELA goes home.  WHAT??  I did not see that happening!!  

Survivor: Tai's Man?!?!

Hey, wasn't this season usually over around Mother's Day?  Are we getting close??  Has everyone paid??  Have I paid???

So, PREVIOUSLY ON......SURVIVOR

Zeke went to Ponderosa, and the bottom 4 are still there.  They realize voting for Tai probably wasn't a good idea (and I think we missed something about why they did it.  Wonder if it'll be respliced into this week/'s episode?)  They maybe lost him as part of their 4.

Michaela points out that the majority already turned after only 1 vote.  Cirie and Andrea think they need to break up Sierra and Brad (YA THINK???).  Sierra clearly is on the bottom and has nothing to lose.  She says Sarah burned me but.....she goes and tells Sarah about the legacy idol.  Tells her she can either use it or will it to her.  Sarah thinks that maybe she should keep Sierra and get rid of Brad.  

Challenge.  Ahhh, it's the loved ones challenge.  Everyone's loved one comes out one at a time from the bushes.  Sarah's husband, Andrea's Mom, Aubry's sister, Sierra's Dad,  Michaela's Mom- making Michaela very emotional.  Out comes Troy's brother, Ho girl Monica joins Brad, Cirie's son who just graduated comes out, and then....Tai's PARTNER???  Seriously is that HOT guy with Tai??  Crazy Tai has to immediately ask how the cats are.  LOL.  

They're tethered by 2's to do an obstacle course that includes that dig and burrow under a log thing that causes me to have an instant anxiety attack for some reason.  They also trot out the sandbags, some keys and a chest.  Ends up with a table and things that need to be knocked down with the sandbags, totally not in anyway meant to throw the game to a freaking BASEBALL PLAYER.  

And, WHAT ARE THE ODDS???  The group with Brad wins.  Brad, Aubry and Andrea.  Michaela throws a bit of a fit.  They get a BBQ with their loved ones.  Wanna chose someone else??  Everyone's cryin and beggin.  They pick Cirie of course.   And one more???  Sarah.  Micheala is PISSED OFF but Andrea says she'll get over it.  

Cirie points out to her son there is no bathroom on Survivor and he is appalled.  Brad and Monica flip burgers and discuss strategy.  Monica thinks Michaela will flip.  

Tai and Michaela are  in the water talking.  "You can see where the loyalties are"  Micheala hopes to join up with Tai.  

Sierra and Troy are also alone and they say they are still together.  They discuss grabbing Micheala to join them.  They discuss it with Michaela.  She says she is just trying to figure out how to survive the next 9 days.  Michaela tells them Andrea decided Zeke.  She needs to be next.  They agree they don't need no steak.  

Immunity Challenge:  Stand on a perch holding a buoy.  Brad wins immunity.  Dammit.  

Andrea and Aubry tell Tai it's Sierra.  Michaela and Tai decide Andrea.  They tell Sierra but tell her to be cool about it.  

Aubry tells Sarah it's Sierra.  Sarah is ambivalent because she thinks she'll get that legacy idol.  Sarah talks with Sierra.  She says Brad, Sierra, Micheala and Tai are all going with Andrea.  Sarah just wants the idol.  She tells Michaela about the legacy idol.  

Tribal

Andrea says something about consequences.

Sierra says it's still the same 4 on the bottom but they've gotten closer

Aubry says every interaction with people adds up

Brad says immunity helps him but not his 4 group

Sierra says Andrea is a threat in challenges

Andrea says that the bottom 4 are now considered underdogs and could win if they get to the end

Micheala is this week's philosopher:  "We" is relative to who feels they are the big W.  It can quickly flip to an M for ME.  

Andrea says something about hearing a lot of red flags today

Seirra says that people who bother to talk to her get her vote.  

Andrea says some people who talked to her were probably lying.  

Vote...Andrea 3, Sierra 5 and is gone.  Sarah is like, WHERE'S MY DAMN IDOL??  But off camera Sierra still wills it to her.  

 Christ, with all of the blindsiding and drama going on in the country it's hard to remember what night the OTHER reality show is on.  Missed last week's update, which is sad because I did not get to say adios to Debbie.  

It was "quite a blindside", and Brad has the sads.  Sarah announces she flipped because to win this season you need to be known as a GAMECHANGER.  Zeke has to also jump in and announce that Debbie went to Ponderosa because SHE ACTED LIKE SHE WAS IN CHARGE.  

Bang, challenge.  Apparently this season the interpersonal drama and discussions aren't worth even covering.  The remaining miscreants are divided into 2 teams, and it's that challenge from last year where someone sits on a chair thingy and 2 people move them around to gather 30 numbers in order.  Think Circue de Soliel but no way near as attractive.  Then, of course, there is the obligatory word puzzle.  Wanna know?  A chopper will take you to a luxury resort for american crap junk food and a chance to smell up a bed at the luxury resort.  I couldn't tell if there was a shower and soap included this time around.  Apparently Walmart chose not to provide any towels.  

The puzzle apparently has a long word in it so it takes about 50 minutes to get.  Jeff has to give them a clue "it's a METAPHOR FOR THE SEASON".  Zeke figures out the long word is reinventing and they win with reinventing how this game is played.  Andrea, Sarah, Zeke and Aubry to away with Brad, so you know something is going to happen.  Brad confirms this with "I'll be with the people I need to be to change the game".

Zeke is waxing bullshit about how climbing mount everest is harder the closer you get to the top.  LOL, done a lot of mountain climbing Zeke boy?  Brad bonds with Zeke over the 2007 Florida-Oklahoma game and Zeke talks about watching it with his Dad and  COME ON PEOPLE who else was wondering if Pappa Zeke was enjoying that moment with his son or his daughter??  

Andrea is doing the slow burn.  Zeke should know better than to talk to Brad.  Plus, let's be honest, that male thing about reliving football games is god damn annoying.  

Back at camp, they're all STARVING.  Hey, speaking of that, on Ponderosa Hali weighed in and only lost 2 pounds. Yea, see, that would be me.  They'd be like, how did you gain 10 pounds?  THERE'S CARBS IN THAT RICE!  

Tai and Troy are happy that they're still there.  Tai feels like he is on the bottom.  "My name come up, me play idol".  

They come waltzing back to camp, not any cleaner I might ad, and Aubry is concerned about Brad and Zeke.  Cirie and Andrea talk and wonder if it's time to take out Zeke.  Cirie thinks Zeke is way more threatening and they decide to feel out Sarah.  Sarah is now in the Zeke camp she tells them she isn't concerned about him because she has a plan for him, and she has a backup.  She tells Cirie about the steal a vote and tells Cirie Zeke can wait until later.  Sarah thinks she can always flip again and decides to see what happens.  

Zeke decides it's to eerily calm and is nervous.  He thinks at this time in the game his scheming play should be winning him bigly.  

Zeke talks to Sarah, who says she trusts him.  He wants to make a final 5 with her and Brad and Troy.  Zeke talks to Brad and Troy and offers them final 5. He asks them to go along with him this vote and then they can do a big vote next time.  Brad is all "i've moved on up in 24 hours!"

Immunity Challenge.  Stack blocks on a beam with this grid thing they have to walk around, then do the dominoes thingy off the beam.  Andrea wins immunity.  

Andrea wants to make that big Zeke move.  She and Andrea talk and Sierra walks up to plead her case.  Promises to vote with them no matter who it is.  

Cirie tells Sarah that Andrea wants to blindside Zeke.  Sarah thinks that just because Andrea has a little power around her neck she wants control.  Sarah agrees with them but not really.  Aubry is OK with Zeke.  

Micheala isn't on the Zeke train.  She and Sarah talk and Michaela doesn't like the plan and thinks it makes no numbers sense.  She's kind of right as it keeps the game still too close for one flipper to not screw up.  

Tribal

Sarah admits she told people she flipped.

Brad says that is immediately put their 4 on the outs

Tai basically says something like, "bottom, yes"

Sierra agrees.  Bottom

Zeke says it's now 6 vs 4, which is a mirror of last week.  (PSSST, SEE HOW FAST THAT HAPPENS ZEKE?)

Andrea says it, though, and ever changing 6

Michaela says that if the 6 stick together then they can all progress

Zeke says, he agrees that is's not the time

Sierra tells them she tried to plead her case and she will go wherever they want

Sarah says at this point everyone is making that same pitch.  Keep me another day!

Micheala says she listens to the pleading but you have to turn your heart down.  

Andrea says that sometimes a relationship will get you to the end.

They vote.  Idol?  No.

Tai gets 3 votes-from Sierra. Brad and Troy which doesn't make much sense to me unless they think the others were going for him.  I can't even understand Zeke telling them to vote that way.  

Sierra gets 2 votes, and Zeke gets 5 votes amid Michaela crying.  

Hali, on the jury says, GAME CHANGERS!!  Debbie says, nope IDIOTS.  

Survivor: No Time for Beach Yoga

Welcome to this week's Survivor update!  And, in case you were looking, there was no update last week.  I felt like, in the end, there was enough cyber ink spilled over the Jeff Varner expose and I couldn't add anything more to it other than more outrage.

As Zeke himself says this week, "let's just get back into the game".  Which is not to say that the whole trans-outing isn't now going to be a giant elephant sitting in the middle of the game this season as of now, people seem to be defensive and supportive of Zeke.  We'll see how long that lasts!

Bang, it's a challenge OR IS IT??  There's a table of food and everyone is all antsy that IT'S THE MERGE!!!  Jeff has to ask everyone, "how important is food???"  Yea, about as important as sex at the Pottstown Motel 6 is to you, Jeff.  They're all like kids when you walk in the door after work and are all up in your face with I'M STAAAAAARRRRRRVVVVVVIIIIINNNNNGGGGG.  

Jeff gets to play with the catnip a bit more because there's one final tribal decision they have to make first.  One member of each tribe has to VOLUNTEER to not eat or everyone gets a Ritz cracker and a piece of cheese.  Which, lemme point out there are starving children in Africa that would kill for that high society party snack.  Brad is the first to volunteer.  Zeke, who did not volunteer, says it's because he didn't look great last time he played, and showing off is the Colpepper brand.  Tai, of course, also volunteers because Tai is honest and pure and lives on the farts of unicorns in real life.  

And they merge into Maku Maku.  Cirie, who also did not volunteer to not eat, thinks Tai and Brad are just doing it for brownie points.  Cirie also predicts that "thinks are gonna start happening".  

Tai and Brad sit on a log and bond, while everyone else eats and drinks.  Debbie pretends to be drunk. She also, while not pretending to be drunk. apologizes to him.  Zeke tells the Varner story about being outed as trans and everyone appears to be upset for him all over again.  

The bro's meet (Troy, Oz and Brad) and hammer out their alliance and their desire to get rid of Hali or Michaela.  And then literally everyone runs around telling each other it's Michaela.  Sierra keeps getting mad because Michaela keeps turning up while she's being talked about.  Sierra thinks she has no tact.  LOL!!  Like she should have a fucking bell around her neck or walk up yelling yooooowoooooo, I'm nearby!  Michaela asks Zeke what he told people about her and he says, "you're good at challenges".  

Zeke, Cirie and Andrea have an alliance and decide they need Michaela.  "We have to be first to strike because this is the last day people are going to pretend to get along".  

Hali, who is kinda strange and doesn't really join in the reindeer games, wants to work with Micheala.  She tells Micheala that she's heard her name at least once.  Micheala gets pissed off but fortunately talks to momma Cirie for some guidance.  Cirie tells her basically to not act like an angry black woman.  Says she used to be like Michaela but has learned to control her emotions can chillout.  Cirie decides to nurture Michaela a bit to get her on her side.  

Immunity Challenge.  Oooh, a new necklace.  They have to stand on their toes with a block wedged between their heads and the stand.  Andrea wins immunity.  

Sierra declares she is now in charge.  Decides Hali is playing way too confident and wonders if she has an idol.  Let's split the vote between Hali and Michaela.  They decide to tell everyone else it's Zeke.  When they tell Michaela she says, "I'm feeling like my name is being written down".  

Cirie doesn't like the decision.  Why not just go with Hali?  She wonders where that leaves them since they need Michaela.  

Zeke asks Sierra, laying in her hammock, why Michaela?  Sierra says something about her coming back and causing havoc.  Sierra asks what Zeke's problem is, says there's a new sherrif in town.  

Cirie tells Micheala to stay with voting for Zeke.  

Tribal:

Cirie gets to light her torch and Jeff gets to do his song and dance about fire being your life and I'm like STOP ALREADY!!!

Zeke says it's insanity because there are too many people to watch

Andrea says the lines are being drawn and that this vote sets the tone

Debbie says there is no shock coming tonight.  

Hali goes on this lovely scenario about being in the dark with people with rifles and she and a few others are blindfolded waiting to be shot.  It's like, ooooookay you crazy bitch!

Michaela says she is worried because no one has talked to her.  She says people need to look at who has the control and what's guiding their votes.

Tai says people are looking 2-3 votes down the road. 

Ozzy says his criteria are who is risky and who might have an idol

Jeff asks what roles idols play at tribal.  Literally chapter one from SURVIVOR FOR DUMMIES

Debbie says she loves tribal, it's like the Coliseum, and it's always time to flush out an idol.

Cirie says something about the person who everyone thinks might have an idol might not know they are accused of having an idol.

Hali says anyone who wants to ask can come and shake her down and look through her stuff.  She's not volunteering or anything but if anyone asks they can strip search her.  I'm guessing after the whole terrorist fantasy she just explained, no one is really into the strip search.

Andrea says it's a good strategy to volunteer info like that

Hali then goes zen and asks, are the blindfolded people really the targets?  Ooooh.  Maybe we are all just wandering in dark rooms full of snipers in life, Hali.  

Time to vote.  Zeke 2, Michaela 4 and Hali 6.  

Shit, and then there was another episode!  I hate these double week write ups!!

This is clearly not a season of doing yoga on the beach!  

Next morning Micheala says she slept very well last night.  Cirie tells her no one can know that she has anything to do with orchestrating the vote to be more Hali's than Michaela's.  

Cirie tells Zeke that she has her own ideas about how the game should go.  Zeke says that Sierra is like the Godfather, and Brad is under her controlling Troy.  Zeke thinks that everyone would be on board with disrupting the Sierra-Brad show.  Aubry feels like she's in the middle of a giant italian family brawl, but she's currently find with team Cirie.  

Zeke and Andrea lay in the hammock of power and discuss getting rid of Brad and Sierra.  She tells Zeke, WE CANNOT TELL DEBBIE AND TAI ABOUT IT.  And, bing, Debbie comes up.  

Zeke starts thinking things aren't adding up because he's getting all of his info and instructions from Andrea or Cirie.  He decides that Brad and Sierra are less of a threat than Andrea and Cirie.  Why wait to get rid of them?  

Challenge:  2 teams: swim to a net with wooden fish, untie, swim back, hook fish on a pole, carry fish, do puzzle. Wanna know??  It's a day of luxury at the Marshall's lounge.  

It's Sierra, Brad. Aubry, Michaela, Cirie and Sarah against Tai, Oz, Troy, Debbie, Zeke and Andrea.  Tai and Andrea forget a few fish and have to go back, but in the end they all win the reward.  

At camp, Cirie is very upset.  She tells Sierra that it takes her back to a time when she has 4 children and was unable to provide food for them.  This game takes you to the worst places mentally.  

OMFG, who knew Marshall's Lounge was sponsored by Marshalls??  I totally want to know if the towels matched or if they were all from different manufacturers and different die lots.  Tai decides to streak like he did in the 70s with his ex wife.  The kids are all like, what's streaking??

Zeke can't let it rest and enjoy himself so he pulls Debbie and Tai aside and says he is amassing his own army and thinks Cirie and Andrea are big threats.  Debbie doesn't trust him and is skeptical of why he is saying this to them.  

Immunity challenge:  Hug-a-Pole.  Apparently Ozzy has won this twice in his life.  It comes down to Ozzy and Tai, and grasshopper Tai out Zen's Ozzy to win immunity.  

Zeke is happy that Andrea doesn't win immunity, and he tells Sierra that Cirie and Andrea are gunning for her.  She says, "I thought you and Andrea were close".  She doesn't trust him either.  

Sierra confronts Cirie and tells her Zeke told me you wanted to vote for me.  Cirie tells Andrea and Ozzy that Sierra told her that Zeke says they want to vote for her.  Now Sarah, Andrea and Cirie are mad at Zeke.

Debbie and Sierra lay in the hammock of power and discuss.  Debbie says she would be good with Ozzy.  Sierra agrees but says it's like herding cats.  Debbie tells Troy who is thrilled.  Debbie runs around telling everyone that it's Ozzy.  Sarah feels like it's a tough decision because there are 2 competing groups, one wants Ozzy and one wants Zeke gone.  

Tribal

Ozzy says that the stakes are even higher this time as everyone is playing cut throat.

Sarah says there are no real relationships, that "we're all a bunch of singles people waiting to hook up"

Tai says immunity still matters and that it was either he or Ozzy and he wanted to win.

Ozzy says he talks and trust people, and also he is the one who feeds everyone.

Aubry says that the game is much harder this time around and she's glad Ozzy brings in the protein

Zeke says something about people asking "can I beat them or can they beat me and then making them THINK they can beat you"

Tai is as always amazed when someone puts strategy into words like that.

Zeke says it's OK that Tai thinks he's terrific 

Debbie goes on about it's who you put on the jury and then some air force crap about working together but on Survivor the people you are working with all have knives out.

Vote-Jeff, wait, I want to use this extra vote THAT I GAVE UP THE NECESSITIES OF LIFE ON EXILE for.

Andrea 1

Sierra 1

Zeke 4

Ozzie gets blindsided with 5 votes and leaves saying, "good luck eating!"  

Jeff says, a punch was just thrown.  

Survivor: Adios!!

Let's just skip the bullshit preamble this week, shall we?  DA QUEEN IS GONE.  ADIOS!!!!!

Ahhhhhhhh.  

Ok.  Now I can do the update.  After the LAST blindside of JT, Aubry says she's impressed.  Da Queen explains it had to be done because of "da betrayal".  Aubry says that clearly Sandra is running the show and she needs to learn from the master.  

It's night on the Orange beach and Tai decides that, JUST LIKE ON THE OTHER BEACH, the idol is also buried at the water well.  OH COME THE FUCK ON PROBST!!!  REALLY???  Why not just give Tai a six pack of idols in a bubble pack and make the tough part him having to chew the container open.  He goes out in the dark, with a camera crew that apparently none of the sleepers can hear or see, throws water on the well walls and HOLY SHIT WHAT AMAZEMENT!!  Finds his second idol.  His groin is gonna get chaffed from all that cheap raffia in there.  Tai says "I a game changer".  

Challenge.  Or is it???  Drop your buffs!!  They are re-divided back into 2 tribes with Debbie left to go to Exile Island.  More on that ridiculousness in a minute. When told, she tells the totally FASCINATING AND LEWD story about the time as a child that she went off alone with a pony.....  Somewhere there is a pony with a baaaaaaad story to tell.  

Let's see them in their original colors to figure this out:  

Current Mana:

Troyzan

Michaela

Sierra

Hali

Aubry

Cirie

Brad

Current Nuku

Sandra

Varner

Tai

Ozzy

Andrea

Zeke

Sarah

So Mana is pretty well split 4-3 but Brad tries to make a Troy-Brad man connection.  Troy is a bit hesitant to get into a man alliance and get his balls whacked by the ladies.  He says, "we're not connected just because we're men".   So Brad now has an alliance of 3 with Sierra and Troy but needs a 4th.

On Nuku Sandra and Jeff are the odd men out.  Sandra AINT EVEN SCARED.  She's calm and collected because DA QUEEN STAYS DA QUEEN.  Zeke and Under-the-radar Ozzie decide Sandra has to go but also that their best bet is to make them feel comfortable and safe.  Andrea thinks Tai is scary.  

Zeke talks to Tai and tells him Sandra.  Tai agrees because he's terrified of her.  Zeke is telling Sandra and Jeff that the vote is Tai and he hopes Tai doesn't find out. Fortunately he has his balls full of idols.  

Ok, So here's the Debbie thing and I effing swear to god that they invented this on the fly to handle her.  Exile Island is basically a luxury yacht, probably where Probst actually stays during the taping with is little island niblets.  Debbie is gleefully running around the boat when another boat pulls up and.....it's Cochran.  She's awestruck because she thinks sex with Cochran JUST MIGHT be better than a pony.  He's no doubt like, "oh my god not Debbie".  He says his role is to talk strategy with her.  Debbie tells him everything is A-OK, and he's thinking, "then why did I get an emergency call OUT IN HOLLYWOOD to come handle a survivor problem??"  She tells him she's secure and he deduces that her fatal flaw was and is overconfidence.  He tells her there is no such thing as a great position and she confides she MIGHT have had a tiff with Brad before this happened.  Cochran points out to her that while she is on the yacht, Brad has time to tell people what a fucking nutter she is and push her out of the game.  He tells her she needs to go back and swallow her pride, mend fences, etc.  

He also gives her another advantage.  It's a choice of 3 options: a fake idol kit, and extra vote and a team challenge advantage.  She takes the extra vote.  She cries and he tells her "this could be a GAME CHANGER" for her.  Cochran is forced to hug her for a bit before he can get the hell out of dodge.  "You're gonna do great!!!"

Ok, I just gotta state the truth here and NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT, but Zeke and Varner have a little gay down time on the beach and "bond".  Jeff tells Zeke that he's scared and Zeke feels like he's a desperate person that he could maybe save.  He tells Jeff he's not at the bottom and that Zeke wants Tai to go home.  Jeff buys into it. "I'm in".  

Sandra asks Jeff what youse was talking about.  Jeff tells her that they are targeting Tai and she says she's in but it aint adding up.  "I'll take control.  They don't know Da Queen.  

Immunity Challenge.  Today the refrigerator magnets have lined up as follows:

Swim to a platform

Monkey bars

Lift heavy puzzle pieces

Put heavy puzzle pieces on a sled

Drag heavy sled up the beach using roller logs

Do puzzle

It's basically a blow out and Orange wins immunity sending Blue Nuku to tribal.  

At the campfire, Ozzie is sad that they lost but Zeke says they can now get rid of Sandra.  Sandra thinks it's time to work her magic.  She tells Zeke, Ozzy and Sarah that when Debbie comes back, having her, Tai and Aubry isn't going to be good for them come merge.  She tells them she could help them.  Sarah points out later that it was as if Sandra was grooming them.  Kind of like when your mom spit washed your hair down and them slapped you in the head.  That kind of grooming.  Ozzie admits he did make eye contact with her and felt for a moment his spirit begin to be sucked in the vortex, but then he woke up and remembered why she has to go.  BUT, he does think she is right about those 3.  

Tai is getting worried because everyone has disappeared. I was wondering if he was gonna look for a freaking 3rd idol for his jock.  He talks to Ozzie and Jeff and mentions that it's Sandra.  Jeff tells Sandra and she says it's all about setting Tai up and she's gonna twist it and he is GOING HOME. 

Tribal and Debbie returns.  

Andrea is all about getting rid of big threats

Ozzie says it's all about which of us returning hero's is the biggest threat

Probst points out that Ozzie was looking at Sandra when he said that.  She says, yep, it's probably me.  

Tai says it's accurate that Sandra is the target but that he is also worried because he took out Malcolm.  

Sarah indicates that she's heard a few names and says some people might be open still

Tai says that's what he's worried about because no one said any other names to him.  Says he thought it was all Sandra votes.

Sandra jumps on this and tells Tai she'll vote anyway he wants.  Tai whispers in her ear.

Sandra tells everyone he said Ozzy.  

Tai agrees that he said Ozzy because he is the biggest physical threat

Lots of craziness again ensues and people are talking about voting Tai behind his back.

Zeke points out to Tai that he constantly tells everyone he's looking for an idol.  

Varner asks if they can just vote.  So they do.  

Any idols?  Nope.

And after 94 days playing Survivor, DA QUEEN's torch is snuffed out.  ADIOS!!!

Survivor: Who ate the Sugar??

Good morning and welcome to the very sad Malcolm-less world of Survivor.  Malcolm was, of course, blindsided at the insanity tribal last week, and I agree with the comments from some of you that there will be new rules put in place next season regarding talking during tribal.  Poor Jeff didn't even get to use the psychobabble he especially looked up on the google machine.  

So, MALCOLM IS GONE.  Da Queen, Sandra, is royally pissed.  (See what I did there??)  She wants to know from JT why they went for Malcolm.  JT is majorly on the hot seat, and being in Sandra's cross hairs is not a place any human or goat ever wants to find themselves.  He SWEARS he did not tell them they were all going for Sierra.  Sandra says it's payback time.
JT decides he needs an idol and HOLY COW WHAT A FREAKING COINCIDENCE, he finds a clue after about 5 seconds of looking.  The clue tells him something about landmarks and WOW, he finds that clue in about 5 seconds.  Totally believable, doncha think??

Challenge and OMG MALCOLM IS GONE!!!  Ozzy is particularly bothered as he is now the big strong alpha dog.  The challenge is for PB&J, cookies also for team 1.  The tribe has to use a hook , and then a bow, digging for a ball, and then there is a balance beam with balls and then.....a slide puzzle.  Teams are given a few to strategize and Debbie ASKS TO DO THE BALANCE BEAM PORTION.  Troy is like, OK.

OK, so it was a really boring challenge to me, and I have notes but they are just names and arrows.  Teams had to go through the non-puzzle part of the challenge twice, and Hali did the beam the first time through and Debbie bungled her way through it the second time, dropping the ball multiple times.  And they lost.  And now do you all remember why Debbie was a psycho last time around??  Debbie goes into full crazy mode, blaming he loss on BRAD because he's such a dictator and was just "assigning jobs".

Sarah is all happy with the win but decides she needs options.  She talks to Troy, and since no one else is talking to him, she swears him to secrecy.  Sarah has decided the straight cop life isn't working for her so she's gonna play like a criminal because "they always win".  Hmmmm, someone seems a bit burned out.  Troy would love to work with Sarah (or anyone) and not have to use his idol.

Back in crazy land, Debbie is continuing to melt down.  Jesus she is so effing annoying.  And I know I am not the only one who has worked with these types of nut jobs.  Brad says she's "unpredictable" which is hilarious because SHE'S A FREAKING NUTCASE.  She's ranting, "I'm just doing what I'm told, it's Marsha, Marsha, MARSHA!!!!   I get no respect as a double naught spy!!  I've been TRAINED!!!  HALI lost us the challenge because she took too long on HER part of the balance beam.  "Brad is so far up your ass he's looking out of your eyes".  JESUS do I love a good meltdown that is not me.

Debbie rants to Tai that  Brad has NO RESPECT.  HALI LOST US PB&J!!!!!  Tai is actually scared of the crazy lady.  And she's running down the beach with her blanky during all of this.  And then she does push ups and says the reason for her six pack is all of the times she works out instead of losing it on people.  It really is EPIC.  Like all nutbags, she now has them all around her and Brad is trying to apologize.  Brad, I had your back but YOU CRUSHED MY HEAAAAAAART.

So, in other crazy news, JT does not like Michaela.  Apparently they still have coffee left over from last week, and a bit of sugar.  Michaela asks JT to make her a cup of 7 drips of coffee and a scoop of sugar.  JT is mad and apparently they are the only 2 that take sugar in their coffee, because as you know, when you are starving on Survivor you need to make sure you get your coffee the way you like it.  Sandra decides to eat the rest of the sugar so JT will blame Michaela.  And it works like a charm.  Varner is completely amused at how Sandra manipulated the situation.  Michaela is predictably mad as well.

It's mealtime at Mana.  And it's awkward.  Tai doesn't like the tension so he decides to ask the magic idol fairies for another idol and HOLY SHIT WHAT A COINCIDENCE, he finds a clue inside a tree knot.  Now, not that I'm cruel or anything but why do they always hide the clues inside tree knots??  And why, in the freaking jungle, does no one ever get stung and need emergency care from sticking their hands inside a dark tree knot??  And why in all of these seasons, has no one ever DIED from Survivor??  I mean, come on the odds are pretty good.

Challenge:

Race over a wall
Roll a giant wooden cube
Unwind keys
Chest of sandbags
Another freaking balance beam
Slingshot.

Seriously, I think they are just using refrigerator magnets to decide what to do in challenges this season.

Debbie wants balance beam again.  I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS DONE GYMNASTICS FOR 10 YEARS.  I took 2 minutes to do the balance beam and Hali took 10 minutes.  Brad wants Hali and Tai, so Debbie decides she in fact WON'T DO IT.

During the race she's all "hey Brad did you see I was first over the wall???" annoying.  Tai has some trouble with the beam and Debbie is all "I'm glad we didn't have the gymnast do it".
At the end, Brad kills the slingshot and they win.  It comes down to JT and Ozzy shooting, and Ozzy beats him to win th second immunity.  Nuku goes to tribal.

JT pleads his case that he is stronger and more pleasant than Michaela.  Aubry wants Michaela to go.  They decide to call her crime sugar napping.  Sandra, meanwhile, wants vengeance for Malcolm.  She talks to Jeff and they wonder if JT has an idol.  They realize it's going to come down to a struggle between JT and Michaela.

Tribal
Sandra says that they blamed JT for last week's tribal because someone leaked Sierra's name.
JT points out that Malcolm was the last person he wanted to go home and that the vote certainly wasn't what he wanted
Michaela dislikes JT being the boss around camp
JT says they've tried to babysit Michaela but camp is difficult right now
Sandra says that JT thinks Michaela licked the sugar container, and they all laugh.
Sandra also says they are keeping strong
Micheala is all hurt and says she's not surprised
JT again says they are all babysitting her
Michaela says she washed dishes makes food etc.
They all begin to pile on Michaela and JT starts to fluff it up, saying she's just filing space.
Aubry says she likes Michaela but it's a quality of life issue. Varner says it's complicated situation but there's too much arguing at camp.
Aubry: the vote is clear
JT: Yep
Sandra:Yep.

They vote and Sandra says the queen stays queen, adios!

Any idol?  NOPE
Jeff starts to read the votes and Michaela takes a cup and a bottle out of her bag and slowly begins to drink water all cool.

And with that, JT is voted off.
Aubry says, damn you guys are good.  Michaela says, hey who ate the sugar?  Sandra says, I did and they all laugh.