Hey, Survivor 10 years!
It’s raining and miserable. In villainland, they have no real shelter, so are all cold, wet and miserable. Rob:” Again, I’m on the buffoon tribe”. Coach and Jerri chatting on the beach at sunrise. Awwww. Later in the day, Rob has ideas about how to rebuild the shelter for the 4th time, but gives up because, “everyone has ideas…”
Hero-haven and all is happy happy happy. Oh, except Rupert does not like nor want Stephanie to stay. I’m not sure why other than her voice is really friggin annoying, what with that Philly thing going on. Stephanie doesn’t like Rupert either. “He’s playing too much the good guy role”. They decide to make coconut popcorn, but Rupert pissed Stephanie off even more by being a bossy popcorn adviser.
Vland’s shelter gate continues. Rob is just so frustrated. The girl villains are all bitching about the boy villains not being hot enough. No one is hot without a daily shower, toothbrush and shave. Just sayin. Rob goes out into the woods, and Jerri is luckily nearby. Rob goes down like a patient of Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab. Jerri finds him and he tells her to get help. Jeff and the medical team come, and he’s kinda out of it. They give him water and he’s kinda out of it trying to drink. The crack medical opinion? “He looks worse off than he is”. Rob starts crying, saying he’s sorry, “I feel like this game is getting the best of me… and I love and respect it so much”. It’s kinda weird, frankly. They say he had the flu, but I’m not buying it. Detox is a bitch. Rob decides to get over himself and stop trying to be the good guy.
Can I just say, for the record, that Randy always looks stoned? I mean, the lights are on but no one is home.
Challenge time. Jeff is teasing me in medium blue. Hmmm. It’s a repeat of a former PUZZLE challenge. Where survivors work in pairs and roll big crates to a platform, and then they have to stack the crates to spell their tribe name. JT, Coach and Tyson all did the challenge before. Wanna know what you’re playing for? A tarp and immunity.
Bottom line, the Heroes kick ass at bringing the crates in, and have a decent lead, but of course blow it in the puzzle. They’re totally disorganized, won’t listen to JT, and Stephanie is yelling the whole time. Won’t shut up and listen. James is pissed. Rob, of course, does the bulk of the work for the Villains and they win immunity and finally decent shelter.
James says that Stephanie is Kryptonite for the team. JT takes responsibility for the loss, which is ridiculous. James is getting more pissed by the minute. He just keeps yelling, “One voice”. Tom doesn’t like James. “I’d like to tell James what a winner is and what a loser is, and where he fits in”. LOL. Tom is even elegant when he criticizes people.
The villains celebrate by putting their tarp up, AND the find a giant clam. Russell gets jealous that someone else caught the clam, so he goes out and gets a chicken. “I’m in charge, I’m King Russell”. I’m guessing the employees at his oil company do not mind his ass being gone for another round of survivor.
James continues his rant. “Stephanie’s teams never win”. He is just totally bagging on her to everyone. Dude, it’s a bitch when steroid withdraw kicks in but try to control yourself.
JT has alliances with both James, and with Tom. The tribe is split between James, Rupert and Amanda on one side, and Tom, Colby and Stephanie on the other. JT is trying to walk a fine line. James obviously wants Stephanie. Stephanie and Tom want Amanda. Stephanie tries working on Cirie and Candace. Steph tells Cirie, that “you’re next you know”. Tom works on Candace. She wants to know what’s in it for her. Apparently nothing!
Candace and Cirie talk. “Once we decide which way to vote, the game is gonna bust open”. Cirie doesn’t care who goes as long as it’s not her.
Tribal Council, and my man is in the dark blue shirt. Happy times at the Motel 6 in Pottstown again!
James rants about Stephanie. She argues back. They start to really go at it. There is this whole ridiculous back and forth about the term “y’all”. James is totally obsessed with Stephanie. Colby steps in and protects Stephanie, as does Tom. Jeff points out that this is a divided tribe. Tom accuses James of bullying.
Colby says he had no idea this would be starting so early, and it is “terribly alarming”.
Cirie comments that everyone assumes she and Amanda have an alliance, but “she screwed me in the past”. Amanda admits that she is afraid that the past will come back and bite her.
Time to vote. Amanda gets 3…..Stephanie gets 3…..next vote…..it’s Stephanie.
As she’s leaving, she turns and says, “Next time y’all lose a challenge? A little less cursing would help”.
James “Shut your mouth”.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Bachelor Update: Overnight with the Ho's
Oh, yea, it’s overnight shag week! Jake gets to sample the goods, if the Ho’s are willing! Unlike other seasons, the all go to the same Island. Jake is falling in lurve with all 3 women, or so he says. In fact, this is the ALL TIME, MOST DRAMATIC USAGE OF THE TERM FALLING IN LOVE episode in bachelor history.
He starts out rehashing how he feels about all 3. “Gia and I’s chemistry is electric” (grammar anyone?); “I would have a blessed life with Tenley”; and “Vienna is the center of all the drama but our connection is undeniable. We can mature together”.
Oh! Let’s check in on loser Allie!! Awww, she’s miserable and broken hearted…and it’s been like a whole week? She can’t work or sleep and she needs to tell Jake how she feels. They’re gonna milk this the entire show.
Gia date is on Pidgeon Island. Gia:” Evwything is perfwect with Jake”. They climb up some lookout, and then climb back down and take a little tiny boat to a local market. They drink coconut drinks, listen to some Reggae, which thrills Jake cause it means that Gia is not just a snobby New Yorker. They listen to the music and do this really strange crotch rubbing dance. Afterwards Jake buys her a cheap necklace. She loves it but for some reason wants to wear it on her wrist. They go swimming, and make out at sunset.
Dinner is on the beach. She is wearing some silver rhinestone headband thing. “I’m never taking the necklace off my wrist”. Uhuh, as soon as he sends her home that trinket is going to go into the breakup fire with the dried up roses.
He tells her he likes her because she is deep. LMAO. She wants to know about him. “I put others above myself”. Seriously, isn’t that one of those stupid answers you are supposed to give when you are asked what your greatest fault is?? She thinks he’s deep too, because he knows what he wants and can express it.
Jake says, “I feel what I need to feel on this date”. Such a strange answer, like he was given the bachelor guide to the universe with a weekly script of emotions.
Oh, the Chris Harrison “Get a free shag card” arrives! Of course they take it. Gia goes on and freakin on about how she wants to tell him she loves him (mainly because that is in the bachelorette guide to the universe booklet she was provided). They go to the suite, and there is a trail of clothes leading to the bubble bath. “That was the most romantic part of the date”. Which means it wasn’t that romantic.
Tenley date. Waiting for Tenley, Jake has to repeat the Tenley mantra of “family, and values, and family values”. He takes her flying in a helicopter, but he is not the pilot. They land and have a picnic in the rain forest. In between the endless divorce and ex husband talk, she asks Jake how he will pursue her in the real world. He tells her they can always jump in a plane and fly somewhere exotic, because it’s free. Tenley “I can totally see us together forever and ever”. She feels PASSION again, after the DIVORCE. They swim. Apparently swimming at sunset is his thing.
Dinner is at poolside. She is obsessed with what she is going to do with the shag card, BECAUSE SHE HAS ONLY SLEPT WITH ONE MAN IN HER LIFE. Get over yourself. She says she is happy that he is giving her a chance given her checkered past. Um, Vienna is also divorced but seems to not have any issues with that. After dinner he asks her to dance, and she has to let him lead. She’s FALLING IN LURVE. In fact, she says this about 100 times. He’s FALLING IN LURVE too. Hmmm, maybe I’ve been married too long but I really don’t remember it taking so freaking long to FALL IN LURVE.
Jake reads the shag note. Given all the mental drama about the note, you’d have thought Tenley would at least pretend to think it over. She’s all, let’s go! This suite has a private pool. I’m starting to think Jake was once told you can’t get a girl pregnant if you do her in the water. They sit and eat dessert, and discuss values and morals, values and morals, valuesmorals. Then they get into the pool and make out. See kids, it’s OK if you have sex before marriage IF you feel kinda bad about it.
Vienna date. She keeps calling him sweetheart and honey and it is annoying. They take out the boat from the Pirates of the Caribbean. They are playful. They are so playful that Jake has to repeat that they are playful 10 times. She makes him wear an eye patch and give a toast. He makes her walk the plank (in a green ruffled bottom bikini) by holding a plastic sword at her back. It’s playful, y’all. “Vienna and I have a natural affection for each other”. “Vienna is so nurturing”. LOL, that is a joke. Another sunset ocean makeout thing. They both are FALLING IN LURVE.
Dinner is in a gazebo. She wants to wait to have kids. Ok. Jake is trying to figure out if it’s just a sex thing between them. She says she wants a life partner. A best friend. An only friend is more like it. Jake asks her “what kind of ring do you like?” I’m totally hoping he asked everyone else this. She, of course, rattles off exactly what she wants. She asks him “could you see me as your wife”. “You wouldn’t be here if I didn’t”. BUT, there are 2 other women and “I am FALLING IN LURVE with them too. Oh for Christ sake. She lays it on thick about how much she is in lurve with him, then she cries. Working it, baby!!
He pulls out the shag card. Of course this Ho takes it. The go to the room, and she gets up and changes into lingerie, with no underwear I am sure. They kiss on the bed and she gets up and closes the door. Ugh.
Just when you thought this episode couldn’t get any more DRAMATIC, what with all the falling in lurve going on, Allie calls. Seriously, this is like the quintessential late at night, half a bottle of wine, please take me back desperate call. She tells him she made the wrong choice and wants to come back. Looooooonnnnnnggggg silence.
Jake:” I’m just trying to process this”. How freakin lame is THAT??? Ladies, this is when you say, “oh, I must have the wrong number" and hang up. It is the most fake, awkward conversation on bachelor history. I really think they paid her to make the call. He tells her, “you missed a critical WEEK on the show”. Seriously?? If she was the one would that friggin matter? HANG UP HANG UP HANG UP.
She is begging and he’s avoiding answering her. “I WAS falling in lurve with you but after you left, I fell in lurve with the other women while you were gone”. By the way, Jake does not know how to hold a phone receiver and have a conversation. It’s weird. He holds the ear thing away from his ear and just talks into the mouth part.
“Thanks for the call”. UGH. She’s a big hot mess now.
Finally, it’s rose ceremony night. But first, since there really is so little material to work with this week, and it’s a 2 hour show, we have to rehash the 3 dates with Chris. I fast forwarded past this. Then he gets to watch videos the women made for him. Tenley’s is all about falling in lurve again, just in case he forgot she is damaged goods. Gia’s is totally boring about how incredible he is and the obligatory “I am falling for you” line. Vienna is all, “hi sweetheart”. She is now completely in lurve with him and can’t wait to be his wife. Oh, man, I hope she hasn’t peaked too soon and will be falling OUT OF LURVE with him at any minute.
2 roses tonight. Tenley and…….Vienna. Damn.
He walks Gia out, and they sit on a bench to talk. She is a total sweaty mess.
NOTE: THIS WEEK’S SHOW IS THE WOMEN BITCH FEST, WHICH I ASSUME MAKES NEXT MONDAY THE FINAL ROSE CEREMONY. I will be in Italy and will miss the final episode. Doh!!! Who wants to do the write up for me?
Vienna-Donna
Tenley-Cindy R
Off to the herpes clinic
Gia-Karen
Ali-Tess
Corrie-Betty
Jessica-Ginny
Ashleigh-Cindy M
Ella-Lori M
Catherine-Greta
Valecia-Lori K
Crazy Michelle-Irene
Elzabeth-Elayne
Ashley-Sara
Christina-Stephanie
Slutty Spice-Wendy
He starts out rehashing how he feels about all 3. “Gia and I’s chemistry is electric” (grammar anyone?); “I would have a blessed life with Tenley”; and “Vienna is the center of all the drama but our connection is undeniable. We can mature together”.
Oh! Let’s check in on loser Allie!! Awww, she’s miserable and broken hearted…and it’s been like a whole week? She can’t work or sleep and she needs to tell Jake how she feels. They’re gonna milk this the entire show.
Gia date is on Pidgeon Island. Gia:” Evwything is perfwect with Jake”. They climb up some lookout, and then climb back down and take a little tiny boat to a local market. They drink coconut drinks, listen to some Reggae, which thrills Jake cause it means that Gia is not just a snobby New Yorker. They listen to the music and do this really strange crotch rubbing dance. Afterwards Jake buys her a cheap necklace. She loves it but for some reason wants to wear it on her wrist. They go swimming, and make out at sunset.
Dinner is on the beach. She is wearing some silver rhinestone headband thing. “I’m never taking the necklace off my wrist”. Uhuh, as soon as he sends her home that trinket is going to go into the breakup fire with the dried up roses.
He tells her he likes her because she is deep. LMAO. She wants to know about him. “I put others above myself”. Seriously, isn’t that one of those stupid answers you are supposed to give when you are asked what your greatest fault is?? She thinks he’s deep too, because he knows what he wants and can express it.
Jake says, “I feel what I need to feel on this date”. Such a strange answer, like he was given the bachelor guide to the universe with a weekly script of emotions.
Oh, the Chris Harrison “Get a free shag card” arrives! Of course they take it. Gia goes on and freakin on about how she wants to tell him she loves him (mainly because that is in the bachelorette guide to the universe booklet she was provided). They go to the suite, and there is a trail of clothes leading to the bubble bath. “That was the most romantic part of the date”. Which means it wasn’t that romantic.
Tenley date. Waiting for Tenley, Jake has to repeat the Tenley mantra of “family, and values, and family values”. He takes her flying in a helicopter, but he is not the pilot. They land and have a picnic in the rain forest. In between the endless divorce and ex husband talk, she asks Jake how he will pursue her in the real world. He tells her they can always jump in a plane and fly somewhere exotic, because it’s free. Tenley “I can totally see us together forever and ever”. She feels PASSION again, after the DIVORCE. They swim. Apparently swimming at sunset is his thing.
Dinner is at poolside. She is obsessed with what she is going to do with the shag card, BECAUSE SHE HAS ONLY SLEPT WITH ONE MAN IN HER LIFE. Get over yourself. She says she is happy that he is giving her a chance given her checkered past. Um, Vienna is also divorced but seems to not have any issues with that. After dinner he asks her to dance, and she has to let him lead. She’s FALLING IN LURVE. In fact, she says this about 100 times. He’s FALLING IN LURVE too. Hmmm, maybe I’ve been married too long but I really don’t remember it taking so freaking long to FALL IN LURVE.
Jake reads the shag note. Given all the mental drama about the note, you’d have thought Tenley would at least pretend to think it over. She’s all, let’s go! This suite has a private pool. I’m starting to think Jake was once told you can’t get a girl pregnant if you do her in the water. They sit and eat dessert, and discuss values and morals, values and morals, valuesmorals. Then they get into the pool and make out. See kids, it’s OK if you have sex before marriage IF you feel kinda bad about it.
Vienna date. She keeps calling him sweetheart and honey and it is annoying. They take out the boat from the Pirates of the Caribbean. They are playful. They are so playful that Jake has to repeat that they are playful 10 times. She makes him wear an eye patch and give a toast. He makes her walk the plank (in a green ruffled bottom bikini) by holding a plastic sword at her back. It’s playful, y’all. “Vienna and I have a natural affection for each other”. “Vienna is so nurturing”. LOL, that is a joke. Another sunset ocean makeout thing. They both are FALLING IN LURVE.
Dinner is in a gazebo. She wants to wait to have kids. Ok. Jake is trying to figure out if it’s just a sex thing between them. She says she wants a life partner. A best friend. An only friend is more like it. Jake asks her “what kind of ring do you like?” I’m totally hoping he asked everyone else this. She, of course, rattles off exactly what she wants. She asks him “could you see me as your wife”. “You wouldn’t be here if I didn’t”. BUT, there are 2 other women and “I am FALLING IN LURVE with them too. Oh for Christ sake. She lays it on thick about how much she is in lurve with him, then she cries. Working it, baby!!
He pulls out the shag card. Of course this Ho takes it. The go to the room, and she gets up and changes into lingerie, with no underwear I am sure. They kiss on the bed and she gets up and closes the door. Ugh.
Just when you thought this episode couldn’t get any more DRAMATIC, what with all the falling in lurve going on, Allie calls. Seriously, this is like the quintessential late at night, half a bottle of wine, please take me back desperate call. She tells him she made the wrong choice and wants to come back. Looooooonnnnnnggggg silence.
Jake:” I’m just trying to process this”. How freakin lame is THAT??? Ladies, this is when you say, “oh, I must have the wrong number" and hang up. It is the most fake, awkward conversation on bachelor history. I really think they paid her to make the call. He tells her, “you missed a critical WEEK on the show”. Seriously?? If she was the one would that friggin matter? HANG UP HANG UP HANG UP.
She is begging and he’s avoiding answering her. “I WAS falling in lurve with you but after you left, I fell in lurve with the other women while you were gone”. By the way, Jake does not know how to hold a phone receiver and have a conversation. It’s weird. He holds the ear thing away from his ear and just talks into the mouth part.
“Thanks for the call”. UGH. She’s a big hot mess now.
Finally, it’s rose ceremony night. But first, since there really is so little material to work with this week, and it’s a 2 hour show, we have to rehash the 3 dates with Chris. I fast forwarded past this. Then he gets to watch videos the women made for him. Tenley’s is all about falling in lurve again, just in case he forgot she is damaged goods. Gia’s is totally boring about how incredible he is and the obligatory “I am falling for you” line. Vienna is all, “hi sweetheart”. She is now completely in lurve with him and can’t wait to be his wife. Oh, man, I hope she hasn’t peaked too soon and will be falling OUT OF LURVE with him at any minute.
2 roses tonight. Tenley and…….Vienna. Damn.
He walks Gia out, and they sit on a bench to talk. She is a total sweaty mess.
NOTE: THIS WEEK’S SHOW IS THE WOMEN BITCH FEST, WHICH I ASSUME MAKES NEXT MONDAY THE FINAL ROSE CEREMONY. I will be in Italy and will miss the final episode. Doh!!! Who wants to do the write up for me?
Vienna-Donna
Tenley-Cindy R
Off to the herpes clinic
Gia-Karen
Ali-Tess
Corrie-Betty
Jessica-Ginny
Ashleigh-Cindy M
Ella-Lori M
Catherine-Greta
Valecia-Lori K
Crazy Michelle-Irene
Elzabeth-Elayne
Ashley-Sara
Christina-Stephanie
Slutty Spice-Wendy
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Amazing Race Week 1
Amazing Race season 16! Is it me or is this season a semi-celebrity season?? Race starts in LA this time, during morning rush hour traffic. Let’s review the teams, shall we?
Brent and Caite are dating models. But wait!!! It is even better. Caite is the FAMOUS former Miss Team USA contestant from South Carolina who gave the famous education answer about textbooks and South Africa, and the Iraq, such as. Seriously, if you have never seen this, go to you tube and enjoy. At least the Miss USA pageant never pretends to be a scholarship program for smart girls with big tits. Ya gotta respect that.
Jet and Coy are Rodeo hicks. Seriously, besides the fact that one of them reminds me of my first BAD CHOICE of a boyfriend, these two are total morons. I especially like how the show seems to play a theme song whenever they, are on. Seriously, even though they are brothers, they are playing the theme from Brokeback Mountain.
Steve and Ali. Steve is a former Phillies coach. Anyone know of him? They are father and daughter.
Dan and Jordon, are brothers from Rhode Island. One of them is gay, as in “GAY ALL THE WAY” gay. BTW, he does a HYSTERICAL rendition of Miss South Carolina giving her interview answer. He nails it and apparently has memorized all of the words.
Dana and Adrian are married high school sweethearts. Married for 16 years. I can’t figure out what their gimmick is to be on this season.
Jordon and Jeff dated on Big Brother 11. I’m sure Joanne and Karen can fill us in a little more about them. Jordon is apparently the winner of that season.
Jodi and Shannon. Grandmother and her granddaughter. They are tri athletes. Show off old people piss me off.
Louis and Michael are undercover detectives from, I think, Chicago? Some big city. Frankly, they look to me like they spend A LOT of time doing undercover work at Dunkin Donuts.
Monique and Shawne are best friends and MOMS.
Joe and Heidi are married parents. Heidi states that Joe is “very confrontational”. Yea, that trait always helps on the Race.
And, finally, Carol and Brandy are the required dating lesbians.
Ok, so they leave LA and have to travel by public transportation to LAX, where there are 2 flights. Only the first 3 teams get on the first flight which is supposed to leave 1 hour earlier than the second flight. Teams are traveling to Santiago, Chile.
Lesbians: “Who takes public transportation in LA??”
Teams either take the fly away bus or the metro. Monique and Shawne (aka Shawnique), Jordon and Jeff and Caite and Brent get here first and get on the plane via Dallas. Everyone else gets on the Miami route. BUT WAIT!! In another Amazing Race highlight of American Airlines capabilities, the Dallas flight has the dreaded mechanical problems, and the 3 teams switch their tickets to the Miami flight. So, everyone is on the same plane.
Prior to boarding Brokeback Mountain boys change their US dollars into…Brazilian money. I mean, I kinda felt sorry for them because as good ol REAL Americans, how are they supposed to know or even care about the fact that one S. American country is any different than another? I mean, they both press 2 for Spanish.
Once is Santiago, teams need to take a bus to Valparaiso, which is apparently the San Francisco of South America. The gay dude is going to be thrilled. Brokeback tries to get on the bus but have to confess to being dumb asses with the wrong currency.
Once in Valparaiso, it’s a ROADBLOCK. After 16 seasons, I’m gonna assume you know what a friggin roadblock is. One member of each team has to do a cable walk.
Doing the ROADBLOCK are Caite (NOTE: This is this season’s babybabybaby team), Jordon, Joe (although he’s afraid of heights), Dan, Allie, Brandy (she sucks at it), Shawne and Adriane (cause he’s the big DAWG).
Caite rocks it, while Jordon falls and has to pull himself across. Brandy is a hot mess of shakin. After the cable walk, teams need to take the funicular down the hill. God, I was afraid half of these teams were going to think funicular was a sex act. Jordon and Jeff walk past it, and get half way down the hill before asking someone how to do funicular.
At the bottom of the hill is a DETOUR. Teams have to PAINT THE TOWN.
Teams have to pick a color, carry 4 cans of paint UP THE HILL, find the appropriate color house and finish the socialized painting program the gov’t pays for in this town. I’ll bet you thought I was gonna go on a “I can’t get friggin healthcare but these people get their houses painted for free” rant, didn’t you? Nope.
No one can find the damn houses because they are all walking down the hill.
Right about now, the granny and her kin, and brokeback arrive at the cable walk. Adrian is about half way through it and not doing well. He slips and falls, and a “safety specialist” walks his way out to him and determines there is something with his cable or something that means he has to be hauled all the way back to the start.
Jeff and Jordon, even with Jordon’s tremendous stupidity, find their house, paint it and get the clue. Travel by foot to the pitt stop. Jeff and Jordon are team #1 and win a trip to Vancouver. I think Jordan says, “oh, good, the Caribbean!”
Brent and Caite get to the pitt second, but missed the funicular and have a 30 minute delay. Fans of Sarah Palin, they also wrote themselves clues on their hand (“details”) which did nothing to help them.
Phillies Dad and his daughter can’t figure out the house painting thing, so Dad just happens to wander into a house carrying red paint, and the owners of the house have 1) left the doors open, 2) left a room half painted with red paint and 3) hired workers who do not speak English. Dad and daughter paint half of some strange family’s house with probably the wrong color, EXTERIOR paint, and when finished ask the workers for the clue. LOL. This might be my favorite Race moment ever.
Brokeback kicks ass on the cable thing, and the painting thing. Shawnique are team #2, Brokeback are team #3.
Dan and Jordon are team #4 BUT Dan dropped and lost a brush so they get a 15 minute penalty.
Adrian gives the cable walk another try, but again falls off half way across.
The crack detectives can’t find the houses to paint, so just start randomly painting graffiti for some reason.
Steve and Allie are team #4, Joe and Heidi team #5, Carol and Brandy team #6, Brent and Caite can finally check in as team #7, Dan and Jordon can check in as team #8 and the detectives finally manage to find both the house and the pitt and are team #9. Granny and kid cross the pitt as team #10. Phil shows up at the cable walk and tells Dana and Adrian that they have been eeeeliminated.
1. Jordon and Jeff
2. Monique and Shawne
3. Jet and Coy
4. Steve and Allie
5. Joe and Heidi
6. Carol and Brandy
7. Brent and Caite
8. Dan and Jordon
9. Louis and Michael
10. Jodi and Shannon
Out
11. Dana and Adrian
Brent and Caite are dating models. But wait!!! It is even better. Caite is the FAMOUS former Miss Team USA contestant from South Carolina who gave the famous education answer about textbooks and South Africa, and the Iraq, such as. Seriously, if you have never seen this, go to you tube and enjoy. At least the Miss USA pageant never pretends to be a scholarship program for smart girls with big tits. Ya gotta respect that.
Jet and Coy are Rodeo hicks. Seriously, besides the fact that one of them reminds me of my first BAD CHOICE of a boyfriend, these two are total morons. I especially like how the show seems to play a theme song whenever they, are on. Seriously, even though they are brothers, they are playing the theme from Brokeback Mountain.
Steve and Ali. Steve is a former Phillies coach. Anyone know of him? They are father and daughter.
Dan and Jordon, are brothers from Rhode Island. One of them is gay, as in “GAY ALL THE WAY” gay. BTW, he does a HYSTERICAL rendition of Miss South Carolina giving her interview answer. He nails it and apparently has memorized all of the words.
Dana and Adrian are married high school sweethearts. Married for 16 years. I can’t figure out what their gimmick is to be on this season.
Jordon and Jeff dated on Big Brother 11. I’m sure Joanne and Karen can fill us in a little more about them. Jordon is apparently the winner of that season.
Jodi and Shannon. Grandmother and her granddaughter. They are tri athletes. Show off old people piss me off.
Louis and Michael are undercover detectives from, I think, Chicago? Some big city. Frankly, they look to me like they spend A LOT of time doing undercover work at Dunkin Donuts.
Monique and Shawne are best friends and MOMS.
Joe and Heidi are married parents. Heidi states that Joe is “very confrontational”. Yea, that trait always helps on the Race.
And, finally, Carol and Brandy are the required dating lesbians.
Ok, so they leave LA and have to travel by public transportation to LAX, where there are 2 flights. Only the first 3 teams get on the first flight which is supposed to leave 1 hour earlier than the second flight. Teams are traveling to Santiago, Chile.
Lesbians: “Who takes public transportation in LA??”
Teams either take the fly away bus or the metro. Monique and Shawne (aka Shawnique), Jordon and Jeff and Caite and Brent get here first and get on the plane via Dallas. Everyone else gets on the Miami route. BUT WAIT!! In another Amazing Race highlight of American Airlines capabilities, the Dallas flight has the dreaded mechanical problems, and the 3 teams switch their tickets to the Miami flight. So, everyone is on the same plane.
Prior to boarding Brokeback Mountain boys change their US dollars into…Brazilian money. I mean, I kinda felt sorry for them because as good ol REAL Americans, how are they supposed to know or even care about the fact that one S. American country is any different than another? I mean, they both press 2 for Spanish.
Once is Santiago, teams need to take a bus to Valparaiso, which is apparently the San Francisco of South America. The gay dude is going to be thrilled. Brokeback tries to get on the bus but have to confess to being dumb asses with the wrong currency.
Once in Valparaiso, it’s a ROADBLOCK. After 16 seasons, I’m gonna assume you know what a friggin roadblock is. One member of each team has to do a cable walk.
Doing the ROADBLOCK are Caite (NOTE: This is this season’s babybabybaby team), Jordon, Joe (although he’s afraid of heights), Dan, Allie, Brandy (she sucks at it), Shawne and Adriane (cause he’s the big DAWG).
Caite rocks it, while Jordon falls and has to pull himself across. Brandy is a hot mess of shakin. After the cable walk, teams need to take the funicular down the hill. God, I was afraid half of these teams were going to think funicular was a sex act. Jordon and Jeff walk past it, and get half way down the hill before asking someone how to do funicular.
At the bottom of the hill is a DETOUR. Teams have to PAINT THE TOWN.
Teams have to pick a color, carry 4 cans of paint UP THE HILL, find the appropriate color house and finish the socialized painting program the gov’t pays for in this town. I’ll bet you thought I was gonna go on a “I can’t get friggin healthcare but these people get their houses painted for free” rant, didn’t you? Nope.
No one can find the damn houses because they are all walking down the hill.
Right about now, the granny and her kin, and brokeback arrive at the cable walk. Adrian is about half way through it and not doing well. He slips and falls, and a “safety specialist” walks his way out to him and determines there is something with his cable or something that means he has to be hauled all the way back to the start.
Jeff and Jordon, even with Jordon’s tremendous stupidity, find their house, paint it and get the clue. Travel by foot to the pitt stop. Jeff and Jordon are team #1 and win a trip to Vancouver. I think Jordan says, “oh, good, the Caribbean!”
Brent and Caite get to the pitt second, but missed the funicular and have a 30 minute delay. Fans of Sarah Palin, they also wrote themselves clues on their hand (“details”) which did nothing to help them.
Phillies Dad and his daughter can’t figure out the house painting thing, so Dad just happens to wander into a house carrying red paint, and the owners of the house have 1) left the doors open, 2) left a room half painted with red paint and 3) hired workers who do not speak English. Dad and daughter paint half of some strange family’s house with probably the wrong color, EXTERIOR paint, and when finished ask the workers for the clue. LOL. This might be my favorite Race moment ever.
Brokeback kicks ass on the cable thing, and the painting thing. Shawnique are team #2, Brokeback are team #3.
Dan and Jordon are team #4 BUT Dan dropped and lost a brush so they get a 15 minute penalty.
Adrian gives the cable walk another try, but again falls off half way across.
The crack detectives can’t find the houses to paint, so just start randomly painting graffiti for some reason.
Steve and Allie are team #4, Joe and Heidi team #5, Carol and Brandy team #6, Brent and Caite can finally check in as team #7, Dan and Jordon can check in as team #8 and the detectives finally manage to find both the house and the pitt and are team #9. Granny and kid cross the pitt as team #10. Phil shows up at the cable walk and tells Dana and Adrian that they have been eeeeliminated.
1. Jordon and Jeff
2. Monique and Shawne
3. Jet and Coy
4. Steve and Allie
5. Joe and Heidi
6. Carol and Brandy
7. Brent and Caite
8. Dan and Jordon
9. Louis and Michael
10. Jodi and Shannon
Out
11. Dana and Adrian
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Bachelor Update: Wait, these Ho's have jobs??
Hometown night! Meet the Fockers! Cannot wait to see what all American stock these freak-ettes come from!
First up, NYC and Gia. Ok, what the hell is with her and the jump up on him and wrap her legs around his waist thing? I mean, jesus, when my dog does that she gets smacked with the newspaper. They take a boat twip, "This is where I'm fwom, Jake!"
"I'm falling for Gia too" yawn. They pose, drink, and take pictures of each other. Uhuh, the nude shots will be appearing on the internet in about another week.
Funniest line contender #1: "When I kiss Gia I get into it. I get a burning desire to.....know her heart". hahahhahahahah
Oh for god sake, he brings up her past relationships. Seriously, I think he is waiting for one of these girls to ask him if he wants to watch her fool around with her old boyfriend. It's creepy. She has to do the rundown of all of the Tony Sopranos she's dated in her life. "She's been hurt before". Yea, Jake, she is over the age of 13.
Meet the parents, and since it is NYC they meet in a restaurant. Mom, stepfather Tony (no shit), brother and maybe a stepbrother. Dunno. I couldn't get past how freakish the brother looked. Like, a baby chicken that just popped out of the egg all wet and geeky. Mom is in a dress that is way too short. She takes Jake aside. "You are dating 4 girls, are you in love with all 4 girls?" "What makes my Gia special? Jake: "She has a way about her". Hmmm, that would make a good song lyric.
The baby chicken brother, Erik, doesn't want to see her hurt. However he does want to see her expose herself, and discredit her morals by going on TV to find lurve. Mom gets to ask her final question, which is basically, "Jake, would you seriously fuck up anyone who hurt Gia?" .
Mom and Gia on a park bench (two for one special tonight gentlemen): "Gia he has lurve in his eyes when he looks at you" G:"Mom, he is that way with everyone". M: "No I feel it here, in my silicone breasts". Gia: "I want the faiwy tale"
The night ends up with the two of them sitting on da stoop. Jake tries really really hard to find something nice to say about the Real Housewives of NYC and her family.
Date 2: Ali. I can't figure out where this is, seems like New England. "When I was a kid we would jump up and catch leaves and make a wish". Jake jumps up and grabs leaves for them to make wishes. I wish this date was already over.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: It is not acceptable to wear a white jacket after labor day. It is NEVER acceptable to wear said white jacket with a freakish lumberjacket shirt.
Oh, this is going to be a good date. She takes him to her dead grandmother's house. It makes Jake think about life and death, 'cause he's just so damn deep.
Ali's Mom, sister and brother. Ali's mom has never watched the show but went online to learn all about Jake. Her head must have exploded. "Ali has a heart of gold". She takes him outside, even though he is a totally pussy about cold weather. Ali and her sister chat in the worlds most ugliest blue kitchen. Seriously, if I were Jake I would be running for the hills.
Mom: "What does family mean to you" J: "It is extremely important". yawn. "Ali has strong feelings for you, and she is the happiest I have ever seen her, so you have my blessing. And, here's $50 if you chose her."
Later, Ali and Jake by the fire. A:"You are everything I dreamed I would ever find. I want you. If you asked me today I would say yes". Jake takes off his gloves for the big kiss. J:" I'm right where I need to be with Ali". Either that or he said, "I have her right where I want her, mwahahahahha".
Ok, what the HELL is with the cheesy Jared "Will You Marry Me ads???"
Date 3 is Tenley and Oregon. "Blah blah blah, Tenley has impressed me with her CORE VALUES." Oh give it a freakin rest. Tenley gets to ask Jake questions-wants to ask him who he is as a man". "What part do your parents play in your life?" (Ladies, this is a good question that you will NEVER get the true answer from). Jake: "I run everything past my parents". HOLY CRAP. Run.
OMFG. Please tell me I am not seeing this. Tenley choreographed a dance for him to Pachelbal's Canon. "I never did this for my ex". Lucky ex. They then dance together. Really, it is gagging me.
Whew, now to meet the parents. I can open my eyes now. Dad, mom, sister. Apparently, although divorced, Tenley is the only bach-ette who does not come from a broken home. Put that in your family values pipe and smoke it, Jake. Her mom looks younger than me. The bitch. Dad takes Jake upstairs to the man cave. Dad: "When I watched the bachelor (really???) last season, I thought, I wish Tenley would find someone like Jake". Oh come on!!! Dad lays on the broken heart bullshit really thick.
Tenley, whose voice is just god awful, pumps Dad afterwards. They both cry about the fucking divorce. (Note: I added the word divorce into the drinking game just because I was getting too sober watching this shit).
Mom:"What do you want to ask me?" J:" Is she ready?" Mom:"She is a different girl than the last time I saw her. She will have empotional spillovers". Jeezuz, another ringing endorsement.
Dad and Jake go outside this time to bond. Jake: "If I asked Tenley to marry me would I have your permission?" "I would give you my blessing but it carries with it a responsibility". Jake gets all emotional. And, all I notice is the biggest ASS flag on the side of the house.
Date 4, Vienna in the swamps of Florida, which is appropriate. She is wearing the 80's off the shoulder flashdance look. It ain't coming back, honey. Jake likes her and can't see why EVERYONE thinks she is a bitch.
"My dad didn't meet most of my dates, and didn't get to know my ex until after we were married." I believe we are all about to see why. Dad, Vinnie, has a little dog Chloe. Wife Lisa, who is clearly not V's mom. My first impressions: OH MY GOD, they are trailor trash. And, she and her dad have a scary relationship. Run, Jake, Run. V tells her dad she "LOVES JAKE", and totally reminds me of the little girl in Willy Wonka that WANTS things and makes her Dad GET THEM FOR HER.
Dad takes Jake out to his garage, "I don't like you dating 4 girls". "You need to treat her like a princess" "I expect her to be treated GOOD". Um, Vinnie? You expect her to be treated WELL. Just a little matter of grammar. Jake:"V and I connected right away and everyone else was jealous and tried to throw her under the bus". Dad:"Oh, she gets that all the time". BECAUSE SHE IS AN UGLY ASS BITCH.
Later, Dad catches them making out. Ugh. He gives Jake another 10 minutes to finish.
AND FINALLY, THE DATE IS OVER AND WE ARE BACK IN LA. Ahhhhh, end of the drama. But, WAIT, the most dramatic scene is coming right up! Knock knock...Ali comes in crying. She has an impossible decision to make. Her job (which is Facebook) called and wants her to either quit her job or come back to work (probably because they are getting all kinds of death threats due to the new Facebook format). She wants to let him know.
Jake: "So, what are you asking me? We have something special, you have to weigh which one is bigger". "I can't guarentee I won't put a ring on your finger but I can't say that I wouldn't." Wow, so freaking romantic and sensitive! She'll let him know at the rose ceremony, which will make it EVEN MORE DRAMATIC. Chris just wet himself.
Rose Ceremony. Just the guys, Jake and drooling Chris. "Crazy week, Jake, but let's talk Ali". Jake:" I don't know, she'll get fired if she choses to stay, but I can't make that decision, and certainly ABC will fire my ass if I tell her to stay cause she's the one.
Chris escorts each "lady" in while Jake bullshits about why each girl could be the one. "Tonight's decision isn't mine to make" PUSSY.
Ali wants to talk to Chris, he takes her to Jake. J:"You are beautiful". A:"You are handsome". I am nauseous. Seriously, I have about a page of notes on this bullshit, but I can't type it. He can't say stay, she can't get past that, lots of drama. Chris is listening in the whole time, "Ali, have you made a decision??" "I have to go". Jake walks her out. Boooohooooo. He comes back in, 3 women are gloating, one more than the others. Jake looks totally totally happy to have her gone. Seriously, it's full steam ahead to the overnight dates!!
Vienna-Donna
Gia-Karen
Tenley-Cindy R
Off to the herpes clinic
Ali-Tess
Corrie-Betty
Jessica-Ginny
Ashleigh-Cindy M
Ella-Lori M
Catherine-Greta
Valecia-Lori K
Crazy Michelle-Irene
Elzabeth-Elayne
Ashley-Sara
Christina-Stephanie
Slutty Spice-Wendy
First up, NYC and Gia. Ok, what the hell is with her and the jump up on him and wrap her legs around his waist thing? I mean, jesus, when my dog does that she gets smacked with the newspaper. They take a boat twip, "This is where I'm fwom, Jake!"
"I'm falling for Gia too" yawn. They pose, drink, and take pictures of each other. Uhuh, the nude shots will be appearing on the internet in about another week.
Funniest line contender #1: "When I kiss Gia I get into it. I get a burning desire to.....know her heart". hahahhahahahah
Oh for god sake, he brings up her past relationships. Seriously, I think he is waiting for one of these girls to ask him if he wants to watch her fool around with her old boyfriend. It's creepy. She has to do the rundown of all of the Tony Sopranos she's dated in her life. "She's been hurt before". Yea, Jake, she is over the age of 13.
Meet the parents, and since it is NYC they meet in a restaurant. Mom, stepfather Tony (no shit), brother and maybe a stepbrother. Dunno. I couldn't get past how freakish the brother looked. Like, a baby chicken that just popped out of the egg all wet and geeky. Mom is in a dress that is way too short. She takes Jake aside. "You are dating 4 girls, are you in love with all 4 girls?" "What makes my Gia special? Jake: "She has a way about her". Hmmm, that would make a good song lyric.
The baby chicken brother, Erik, doesn't want to see her hurt. However he does want to see her expose herself, and discredit her morals by going on TV to find lurve. Mom gets to ask her final question, which is basically, "Jake, would you seriously fuck up anyone who hurt Gia?" .
Mom and Gia on a park bench (two for one special tonight gentlemen): "Gia he has lurve in his eyes when he looks at you" G:"Mom, he is that way with everyone". M: "No I feel it here, in my silicone breasts". Gia: "I want the faiwy tale"
The night ends up with the two of them sitting on da stoop. Jake tries really really hard to find something nice to say about the Real Housewives of NYC and her family.
Date 2: Ali. I can't figure out where this is, seems like New England. "When I was a kid we would jump up and catch leaves and make a wish". Jake jumps up and grabs leaves for them to make wishes. I wish this date was already over.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: It is not acceptable to wear a white jacket after labor day. It is NEVER acceptable to wear said white jacket with a freakish lumberjacket shirt.
Oh, this is going to be a good date. She takes him to her dead grandmother's house. It makes Jake think about life and death, 'cause he's just so damn deep.
Ali's Mom, sister and brother. Ali's mom has never watched the show but went online to learn all about Jake. Her head must have exploded. "Ali has a heart of gold". She takes him outside, even though he is a totally pussy about cold weather. Ali and her sister chat in the worlds most ugliest blue kitchen. Seriously, if I were Jake I would be running for the hills.
Mom: "What does family mean to you" J: "It is extremely important". yawn. "Ali has strong feelings for you, and she is the happiest I have ever seen her, so you have my blessing. And, here's $50 if you chose her."
Later, Ali and Jake by the fire. A:"You are everything I dreamed I would ever find. I want you. If you asked me today I would say yes". Jake takes off his gloves for the big kiss. J:" I'm right where I need to be with Ali". Either that or he said, "I have her right where I want her, mwahahahahha".
Ok, what the HELL is with the cheesy Jared "Will You Marry Me ads???"
Date 3 is Tenley and Oregon. "Blah blah blah, Tenley has impressed me with her CORE VALUES." Oh give it a freakin rest. Tenley gets to ask Jake questions-wants to ask him who he is as a man". "What part do your parents play in your life?" (Ladies, this is a good question that you will NEVER get the true answer from). Jake: "I run everything past my parents". HOLY CRAP. Run.
OMFG. Please tell me I am not seeing this. Tenley choreographed a dance for him to Pachelbal's Canon. "I never did this for my ex". Lucky ex. They then dance together. Really, it is gagging me.
Whew, now to meet the parents. I can open my eyes now. Dad, mom, sister. Apparently, although divorced, Tenley is the only bach-ette who does not come from a broken home. Put that in your family values pipe and smoke it, Jake. Her mom looks younger than me. The bitch. Dad takes Jake upstairs to the man cave. Dad: "When I watched the bachelor (really???) last season, I thought, I wish Tenley would find someone like Jake". Oh come on!!! Dad lays on the broken heart bullshit really thick.
Tenley, whose voice is just god awful, pumps Dad afterwards. They both cry about the fucking divorce. (Note: I added the word divorce into the drinking game just because I was getting too sober watching this shit).
Mom:"What do you want to ask me?" J:" Is she ready?" Mom:"She is a different girl than the last time I saw her. She will have empotional spillovers". Jeezuz, another ringing endorsement.
Dad and Jake go outside this time to bond. Jake: "If I asked Tenley to marry me would I have your permission?" "I would give you my blessing but it carries with it a responsibility". Jake gets all emotional. And, all I notice is the biggest ASS flag on the side of the house.
Date 4, Vienna in the swamps of Florida, which is appropriate. She is wearing the 80's off the shoulder flashdance look. It ain't coming back, honey. Jake likes her and can't see why EVERYONE thinks she is a bitch.
"My dad didn't meet most of my dates, and didn't get to know my ex until after we were married." I believe we are all about to see why. Dad, Vinnie, has a little dog Chloe. Wife Lisa, who is clearly not V's mom. My first impressions: OH MY GOD, they are trailor trash. And, she and her dad have a scary relationship. Run, Jake, Run. V tells her dad she "LOVES JAKE", and totally reminds me of the little girl in Willy Wonka that WANTS things and makes her Dad GET THEM FOR HER.
Dad takes Jake out to his garage, "I don't like you dating 4 girls". "You need to treat her like a princess" "I expect her to be treated GOOD". Um, Vinnie? You expect her to be treated WELL. Just a little matter of grammar. Jake:"V and I connected right away and everyone else was jealous and tried to throw her under the bus". Dad:"Oh, she gets that all the time". BECAUSE SHE IS AN UGLY ASS BITCH.
Later, Dad catches them making out. Ugh. He gives Jake another 10 minutes to finish.
AND FINALLY, THE DATE IS OVER AND WE ARE BACK IN LA. Ahhhhh, end of the drama. But, WAIT, the most dramatic scene is coming right up! Knock knock...Ali comes in crying. She has an impossible decision to make. Her job (which is Facebook) called and wants her to either quit her job or come back to work (probably because they are getting all kinds of death threats due to the new Facebook format). She wants to let him know.
Jake: "So, what are you asking me? We have something special, you have to weigh which one is bigger". "I can't guarentee I won't put a ring on your finger but I can't say that I wouldn't." Wow, so freaking romantic and sensitive! She'll let him know at the rose ceremony, which will make it EVEN MORE DRAMATIC. Chris just wet himself.
Rose Ceremony. Just the guys, Jake and drooling Chris. "Crazy week, Jake, but let's talk Ali". Jake:" I don't know, she'll get fired if she choses to stay, but I can't make that decision, and certainly ABC will fire my ass if I tell her to stay cause she's the one.
Chris escorts each "lady" in while Jake bullshits about why each girl could be the one. "Tonight's decision isn't mine to make" PUSSY.
Ali wants to talk to Chris, he takes her to Jake. J:"You are beautiful". A:"You are handsome". I am nauseous. Seriously, I have about a page of notes on this bullshit, but I can't type it. He can't say stay, she can't get past that, lots of drama. Chris is listening in the whole time, "Ali, have you made a decision??" "I have to go". Jake walks her out. Boooohooooo. He comes back in, 3 women are gloating, one more than the others. Jake looks totally totally happy to have her gone. Seriously, it's full steam ahead to the overnight dates!!
Vienna-Donna
Gia-Karen
Tenley-Cindy R
Off to the herpes clinic
Ali-Tess
Corrie-Betty
Jessica-Ginny
Ashleigh-Cindy M
Ella-Lori M
Catherine-Greta
Valecia-Lori K
Crazy Michelle-Irene
Elzabeth-Elayne
Ashley-Sara
Christina-Stephanie
Slutty Spice-Wendy
Monday, February 8, 2010
Bachelor: And then there were 5 Ho’s
So, I’m in a bad mood. Expect this to be meaner than usual
Gia: “We’re awwiving in San Fwancisco and it’s the end of owr woad trip”
They get off the big old bus, Vienna is totally sprayed on black pants and high heels. Ladies, just a public service announcement. If you are gonna wear pants this tight? Make sure you are wearing cotton panties. This chick is looking for a mean case of crotch itch if you ask me.
Chris is MIA so Jake tells the girls there are no more date roses.
Date 1 is with Tenley: “Let’s get our lurve on track”. They take a trolley to Chinatown. Tenley says they have chemistry (drink). They go and make their own fortune cookies, they kiss (drink) and then stand on the street watching some old Chinese dude playing some kind of strange ass Chinese saw. It becomes THEIR SONG. They go to a castle for dinner and have to eat outside up in the turret thingy.
Jake: “She’s the one I picture as my wife”. They edit out the next line, “but she’s used goods”.
The bulk of the evening is spent with Jake hounding her about her divorce. “What mistakes did you make in your marriage”. WOW. Let’s just blame the little woman, shall we?? Tenley says, “I didn’t always jump up and great my poor working shit of a husband at the door wearing Saran wrap”. She asks Jake what he expects of his wife (and, I am FRIGGIN GAGGING ON THIS), and he says, “someone who has my back (he is obsessed with that), respect and trust”. Wow. No wonder this dude can’t find a wife the traditional route. Tenley says, “cheating is a choice”. Ahhh. Yes. But being CHEATED UPON is not a choice.
Ugh, they open their fortune cookies and both way, “kiss me”. Seriously? That’s all you got? They kiss and the “On the Wings of Lurve” theme song plays.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the date card comes and it’s a threesome. Vienna and Gia: “Come be the Queens of My Castle”. Vienna and Ali get into it about Ali’s comments at the last rose ceremony. BTW, Ali is wearing a sweater with big neck falling off her shoulder. When did THAT bad look come back in? Vienna: “Ali’s not going to break Jake and me up. I need to go tell Jake what she said”.
Next morning, a trunk arrives for Gia and Vienna. It’s full of clothes for dress up. Seriously, it’s full of skirts and both of them pick black tight pants and stilettos. Vienna picks an ugly ass purple tank top which she pairs with a wool scarf. Why? God knows. Gia picks a nice blue high next top. Gia looks way hotter. Vienna: “I have a really strong relationship with him”.
They go to this vineyard castle, and it’s an overnight date! Holy crap. They drink wine and Vienna treats her totally like a third wheel on the date. And Jake just lets her do it. Vienna “You had me shaking in my pants that night at the rose ceremony”. Then she cries. Gia just keeps drinking. It is really awkward but the Jake-tard (oooh, Sarah Palin is so gonna come after me for that one) just lets her monopolize the date. He tells her, “I want you here”. Really awkward.
He then remembers Gia is there and ‘steals her away”. They wonder around in the wine cellar and find a dark corner and a bench.
J: It’s hard to be on a date with a girlfriend, huh?
G: All the girls compare notes and I don’t think you think I am special
J: I’m really into you. You’re kind and generous and gorgeous. Are you falling for me, because I am falling for you
SLURP
J: We have amazing moments
G: Is it OK to fall?
J: Yes
And then it’s a slurp fest.
Vienna gets tired of waiting, takes a lantern and wonders around in the dark looking for them. She gets all scared and starts saying,” Jaaaake? Jaaaake honey…” It’s so pathetic. She finally finds them and they jump out of the dark and scare her. She keeps calling Jake her boyfriend. PSYCHO TALK. She asks him, “What would married life be like with you?” But he seems distant, so she says, “I don’t want to share you anymore”.
Jake shows them both their shared room. Hahahahahha. MEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWW. Vienna can’t stand seeing Jake and Gia having a spark.
Note: Does Vienna have a weave? Discuss.
Jake is in bed topless (drink). Vienna takes a bottle of wine, a lantern and sneaks into his bedroom. Gia thinks it’s a really bad idea. She gets into bed with him and says, “Cheers to a new beginning and a new love”. Jake is worried about Gia’s feelings. It’s really awkward.
Date card: It’s for Corrie. “Love is a walk in the park”. Corrie shows up in legging and pumps. Seriously, is this really in fashion?? They take a rowboat, and it is awkward. Corrie tells him she doesn’t just date to date, it has to be special. They are in the boat, face to face and…..no kiss. Jake says, “I’m ready for dinner, you?”
Dinner is at the Science Center, in front of the fish tank. “I feel like your head is somewhere else” “Our relationship is moving slowly. We’re about to make a turn and I don’t know where you are?” She stammers on and tells him she doesn’t believe in living together before marriage. She is saving herself for marriage. (ding ding ding, we have a VIRGIN). They kiss and SUDDENLY HE’S INTERESTED.
Date card for Ali: “I want to leave my heart in San Fransisco. Show me your city”. Ali is wearing a blue dress and boots. Big ugly suede boots. And she is carrying a big ass LL BEAN tote. They go to her neighborhood, he buys her flowers. They have lunch. They have really boring chat. “I’m not from the picture perfect family” KISS. Jake wants to ask her about Vienna. They go to the park. She ends up straddling him. Man. “I never thought I’d be here”. They drink champagne. J: “You can come to me if you are bothered. I think you wanted to say something to me after the rose ceremony”. She just says, “if you pick me I’m yours. I have no questions about why people are here”. “Do what you feel, I have to let go of all that”. They kiss and then jump in the surf. With her suede boots on.
Pre Rose Ceremony cocktail party. Everyone’s nervous. Jake is confused. “I am falling for all of you”. He reads cue card well, doesn’t he? One on one time.
Tenley: “It’s hard knowing you are out with other women. J” Thinks with us are going at a good pace. They dance then kiss.
Corrie (VIRGIN). I dunno, they have some weird chat. It’s strange.
Gia, looking VERY HOT. “I was worried about double dating”. She leaves unsaid, “You passed the Vienna tramp test”. Jake: “You’re not like the other women”. No shit, Sherlock, she’s the only one that is not blonde. She gets a CHEEK KISS!
Vienna: “I’m too impatient”. He takes her to his freaking room. On the balcony, “I’m getting my Jake kiss”. He brings up the bungee jumping thing. Shit, he likes her.
Chris is back!!! Rose ceremony. “This is really hard…blah blah blah.
Roses: Tenley, Ali, Gia………Vienna. I am starting to think he is consistently giving her the last rose as a signal that she is going to always get the last rose. UGH.
Bye Bye Corrie.
Gia: “We’re awwiving in San Fwancisco and it’s the end of owr woad trip”
They get off the big old bus, Vienna is totally sprayed on black pants and high heels. Ladies, just a public service announcement. If you are gonna wear pants this tight? Make sure you are wearing cotton panties. This chick is looking for a mean case of crotch itch if you ask me.
Chris is MIA so Jake tells the girls there are no more date roses.
Date 1 is with Tenley: “Let’s get our lurve on track”. They take a trolley to Chinatown. Tenley says they have chemistry (drink). They go and make their own fortune cookies, they kiss (drink) and then stand on the street watching some old Chinese dude playing some kind of strange ass Chinese saw. It becomes THEIR SONG. They go to a castle for dinner and have to eat outside up in the turret thingy.
Jake: “She’s the one I picture as my wife”. They edit out the next line, “but she’s used goods”.
The bulk of the evening is spent with Jake hounding her about her divorce. “What mistakes did you make in your marriage”. WOW. Let’s just blame the little woman, shall we?? Tenley says, “I didn’t always jump up and great my poor working shit of a husband at the door wearing Saran wrap”. She asks Jake what he expects of his wife (and, I am FRIGGIN GAGGING ON THIS), and he says, “someone who has my back (he is obsessed with that), respect and trust”. Wow. No wonder this dude can’t find a wife the traditional route. Tenley says, “cheating is a choice”. Ahhh. Yes. But being CHEATED UPON is not a choice.
Ugh, they open their fortune cookies and both way, “kiss me”. Seriously? That’s all you got? They kiss and the “On the Wings of Lurve” theme song plays.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the date card comes and it’s a threesome. Vienna and Gia: “Come be the Queens of My Castle”. Vienna and Ali get into it about Ali’s comments at the last rose ceremony. BTW, Ali is wearing a sweater with big neck falling off her shoulder. When did THAT bad look come back in? Vienna: “Ali’s not going to break Jake and me up. I need to go tell Jake what she said”.
Next morning, a trunk arrives for Gia and Vienna. It’s full of clothes for dress up. Seriously, it’s full of skirts and both of them pick black tight pants and stilettos. Vienna picks an ugly ass purple tank top which she pairs with a wool scarf. Why? God knows. Gia picks a nice blue high next top. Gia looks way hotter. Vienna: “I have a really strong relationship with him”.
They go to this vineyard castle, and it’s an overnight date! Holy crap. They drink wine and Vienna treats her totally like a third wheel on the date. And Jake just lets her do it. Vienna “You had me shaking in my pants that night at the rose ceremony”. Then she cries. Gia just keeps drinking. It is really awkward but the Jake-tard (oooh, Sarah Palin is so gonna come after me for that one) just lets her monopolize the date. He tells her, “I want you here”. Really awkward.
He then remembers Gia is there and ‘steals her away”. They wonder around in the wine cellar and find a dark corner and a bench.
J: It’s hard to be on a date with a girlfriend, huh?
G: All the girls compare notes and I don’t think you think I am special
J: I’m really into you. You’re kind and generous and gorgeous. Are you falling for me, because I am falling for you
SLURP
J: We have amazing moments
G: Is it OK to fall?
J: Yes
And then it’s a slurp fest.
Vienna gets tired of waiting, takes a lantern and wonders around in the dark looking for them. She gets all scared and starts saying,” Jaaaake? Jaaaake honey…” It’s so pathetic. She finally finds them and they jump out of the dark and scare her. She keeps calling Jake her boyfriend. PSYCHO TALK. She asks him, “What would married life be like with you?” But he seems distant, so she says, “I don’t want to share you anymore”.
Jake shows them both their shared room. Hahahahahha. MEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWW. Vienna can’t stand seeing Jake and Gia having a spark.
Note: Does Vienna have a weave? Discuss.
Jake is in bed topless (drink). Vienna takes a bottle of wine, a lantern and sneaks into his bedroom. Gia thinks it’s a really bad idea. She gets into bed with him and says, “Cheers to a new beginning and a new love”. Jake is worried about Gia’s feelings. It’s really awkward.
Date card: It’s for Corrie. “Love is a walk in the park”. Corrie shows up in legging and pumps. Seriously, is this really in fashion?? They take a rowboat, and it is awkward. Corrie tells him she doesn’t just date to date, it has to be special. They are in the boat, face to face and…..no kiss. Jake says, “I’m ready for dinner, you?”
Dinner is at the Science Center, in front of the fish tank. “I feel like your head is somewhere else” “Our relationship is moving slowly. We’re about to make a turn and I don’t know where you are?” She stammers on and tells him she doesn’t believe in living together before marriage. She is saving herself for marriage. (ding ding ding, we have a VIRGIN). They kiss and SUDDENLY HE’S INTERESTED.
Date card for Ali: “I want to leave my heart in San Fransisco. Show me your city”. Ali is wearing a blue dress and boots. Big ugly suede boots. And she is carrying a big ass LL BEAN tote. They go to her neighborhood, he buys her flowers. They have lunch. They have really boring chat. “I’m not from the picture perfect family” KISS. Jake wants to ask her about Vienna. They go to the park. She ends up straddling him. Man. “I never thought I’d be here”. They drink champagne. J: “You can come to me if you are bothered. I think you wanted to say something to me after the rose ceremony”. She just says, “if you pick me I’m yours. I have no questions about why people are here”. “Do what you feel, I have to let go of all that”. They kiss and then jump in the surf. With her suede boots on.
Pre Rose Ceremony cocktail party. Everyone’s nervous. Jake is confused. “I am falling for all of you”. He reads cue card well, doesn’t he? One on one time.
Tenley: “It’s hard knowing you are out with other women. J” Thinks with us are going at a good pace. They dance then kiss.
Corrie (VIRGIN). I dunno, they have some weird chat. It’s strange.
Gia, looking VERY HOT. “I was worried about double dating”. She leaves unsaid, “You passed the Vienna tramp test”. Jake: “You’re not like the other women”. No shit, Sherlock, she’s the only one that is not blonde. She gets a CHEEK KISS!
Vienna: “I’m too impatient”. He takes her to his freaking room. On the balcony, “I’m getting my Jake kiss”. He brings up the bungee jumping thing. Shit, he likes her.
Chris is back!!! Rose ceremony. “This is really hard…blah blah blah.
Roses: Tenley, Ali, Gia………Vienna. I am starting to think he is consistently giving her the last rose as a signal that she is going to always get the last rose. UGH.
Bye Bye Corrie.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Bachelor Update: hi HO hi HO, it's up the road we go!
Tonight’s episode is brought to you by MEOW MIX.
So, we start again with Chris in the living room ‘splaining the rules. Why does this bug the shit out of me every week? Anyway, there will be 1 one-on-one, 1 group date and one two-on-one, also known as a ménage a twat, or as my husband excitedly yelled from the kitchen, “woooohooo, a threesome!!”.
But tonight, THERE IS ALSO A BIG CHANGE waiting outside, ladies! OMFG, 2 RV’s roll up. Hi HO hi HO it’s off on a road trip we go. I’d be so done.
The HO’s are assigned to RVs, just so Vienna doesn’t end up all alone. And, they get one hour to pack. Which in HO land, is ridunculous.
Jake, the biker pilot, rides his bike up the coast. UGH, as if I didn’t dislike him enough, we find out he likes to shit in the woods. Also known as camping. The campout is in a vineyard. Hey, is Andrew Firestone around and still looking for a bachelorette? Jake has his tent all set up when he greats the ladies. Vienna grabs his arm and says, “is that our tent?” MEOW. He hands the date card to Gia, and gets the hell out of there.
Gia gets the one-on-one, “Let’s go over the moon and be under the stars”. Gia is a New Yowker, a certified city girl. She wears her casual duds and her stilettos. Ho down tonight in the vineyard! Vienna is drooling thinking of how badly this is gonna go for Gia, “this is completely out of her element. I hope she gets mauled by a bear and left for dead”.
The date is in the vineyard. Gia wants to play hide and seek. Watch out for the Jake shit! How friggin CUTE is that? Once he finds her, they move on to playing hide the salami. “She has a real passion for life”. Holy crap, he carries her around the vineyard with her legs wrapped around his waist. SLUT. Now I understand the purpose of those shoes.
Deep conversations with what appears to be 4 bottles of wine. Jake: in 9th grade I was known as Mr. Dateless. 9th grade?? They play spin the bottle. “Cheeks, lips, all the way”. SLURP. She gets the infamous quick lip peck that quickly moves to the cheek kiss of death. “That was the best kiss of my life”. Uhuh. 4 bottles of wine will do that to you.
They move on to his campsite, where there is MORE WINE. He is going to make a fire, with a shit load of wood in a firepit from Smith and Hawkins. Real rugged. I believe there are firestarter bricks in there. But, it doesn’t matter cause after that much wine she’d spread ‘em for the flick of a bic lighter. Dinner is hot dogs and s’mores.
“How do you picture us working out?” “Well, I prefer to be on the top”. No no no, I mean the future. Oh. “Well, you get rid of that HO Vienna, then we get engaged, I move to bum fuck Texas, we get married after a while, have two kids, and adopt one from China (or take Ella’s kid). Oh, and I want a pot bellied pig.” Wow, Jake never considered a kid from China or a pig! Slurp fest, and she gets a rose.
The Meow Mix starts howling. One of the blondes walks out with the next date card. “Where’d you get that?” “Ummmmmm, it was on the RV windowshield while I was banging the camera guy”. It’s the ménage a twat date!!! And, it goes to Ella and Katherine. Which means the rest of the ho’s are going on the group date.
The next morning, the road trip continues to Pismo Beach for more camping and the group date, “an extremely dirty date”. He and the Ho’s go dune buggying and rolling in the sand. Ali calls Jake’s dune buggy. Vienna “have your fun with him because I am going to marry him”. Jessie and Vienna are in one buggy but Jessie isn’t an aggressive enough driver and their buggy gets stuck. Jake comes to the rescue. Then it’s time for sand surfing. He rolls down the hill with Tenley, and finally gets to cop a feel. They are all lovey dovey when they get up, so I guess she copped one as well.
Picnic time. Fruit and wine. Seriously, this dude is getting on my freaking nerves with these lame ass dates. Is it just so that he never has to dress up? He wants to know who’s up for a roll in the sand, and only Corrie takes him up on it, the rest preferring to continue to drink and bitch at each other.
The day ends at the “Madonna Inn”, which is so famous “celebrities go there”. Yea, by the looks of the interior, they go there to shoot heroin and OD. They all get to shower and dress in this hotel room with, I swear to god, red carpeting on the walls. They go down to dinner in their Ho dresses, and he is not even dressed up. Seriously! I doubt he even showered for the past couple of days. The restaurant is empty (which is a sign of a really good restaurant), there is no wait staff in sight, and there are tons and tons of red leather banquettes.
He takes Ashleigh to this strange teal bedroom, where they lay on the bed and talk. “She is smoking, but I am just not feeling it”. He takes her back and asks Vienna if she wants to go for a walk. “I prefer to go last, thankyouverymuch.” I think she wants to sniff his crotch to see if anyone else got there first.
Ali gets a yellow hotel room. “I have a hard time being affectionate with you in front of everyone”. She wastes her time complaining about the number of roses left this week instead of shutting up and putting out.
Tenley gets the “Madonna” suite. Jake wants to know if she is over her ex husband yet. They talk about him. “Do you feel comfortable with me, Jake?” “Um, I have my head in your lap so I guess yes”. SLURP.
Finally, it’s Vienna’s time. I think he takes her back to the Madonna room. Either that or the lobby. “I want you for myself”. “Vienna, I think you gotta cool it with the biatch thing. You bring it on yourself”. She cuts this line of discussion off.
Finally, they are all back in the restaurant. Jake gives the put out rose to Tenley. Tssssssssss the claws come out. Corrie is frustrated.
Next day, the caravan of Ho’s moves up the coast to Big Sur. More camping. Jake is in a lovely brown plaid flannel shirt. With a puffy vest. He invites Katherine and Ella to his cabin for some grub. Man, the economy sucks for the bachelor! The dinner conversation is all about Family Values, and Ella monopolizes the conversation. He takes her outside (man, is there no plumbing in this cabin either??). It’s all family family family, blah blah blah. “Because you have a kid, if I am not absolutely sure, I don’t want to keep you”. Although I had no trouble using your kid for ratings last week. No kiss. Not good.
Katherine’s time to go out to the woodpile. “I keep getting lost in your eyes”. K: “I have lots of questions” J: “Ask away”. “How long is your penis?” Oh wait, I made that up to kill the boredom. “How come you ignore me?” Yea, how come you ignore her to the point that I was like, who the hell is Katherine? “I’m trying not to get lost in your beauty”. JeSUS. I have a bridge for her if she buys that one.
He leaves the two in his cabin while he goes outside to think. Hahahah, bad move. He comes back and takes Ella outside again. “You are great….BUT….” No h’ose. Bubye. At least she gets to leave in a limo. He goes to Katherine. “You have an honesty about you….BUT…..no h’ose either.” Chris, do we have money for a second limo?? Da’am he is cold. “This is breaking my heart, but in some other strange way, turning me on”.
The meow mix is FREAKING. First the crew comes and gets Ella’s luggage, THEN they come and get Katherine’s. Holy shit.
Jake is all tortured. So he burns the damn rose. Hahahahahah. I friggin love that symbolism.
MMix: Vienna has to go home at the next rose ceremony, and if not, he is getting a real talking to.
The RV’s make their way to the Montalvo Arts Center. The 7 Ho’s stumble out of the vans and into the center to get dressed for the cocktail party. Jake rides up in his suit (finally) and the worlds ugliest tie (God, for a minute I thought it has animals on it), with his leather jacket over it. Nice touch, stud. He walks into the party and announces, “we are all gonna do shots and then you are all gonna get naked”. I wish.
Corrie one on one: “Jake, do I make you nervous? Because I was reading in Teen Beat on the drive here that women should make men nervous. I want us to be like that”. “I will make you a deal, I will pursue you but you have to open up (which is code for put out)”.
Ali: “Jake, I think what you did last night, culling the herd, was honorable”. “I’m falling for you”. SLURP. “I’m scared”. SLURP.
Jessie has really really BAD green eyeshadow. It’s the living in a trailer impact. She basically spends her one on one time bagging on Vienna. Not cool. “Why do y’all dislike her?” “She is self-centered and spoiled. She tells us that her daddy writes her checks for anything she wants”. Cheek kiss. AKA ,the kiss of death.
Vienna: “I’m stressing about what these other Ho’s are saying about me. What will your family and friends think of me if these chicks figured me out so quickly?” Jake, “Don’t worry, I like to form my own opinions.”
Ding ding ding. Thank you Chris for saving us.
Gia and Tenley are safe. Jake yammers and yammers on and on. He gives Ali and Corrie roses.
Dramatic pause, picks up one rose, puts it down. I need a minute…He runs back stage, asks some female production member to find Chris (who is drinking no doubt waiting for his next, “Ladies this is the final rose” line).
Chris, I need some advice
What is it buddy?
Chris, can I send more sluts home?
Well, Jake, we all get paid by the episode.....but if you really want to... we'll take it out of the size of this season’s Harry Winstin engagement ring. "
Well, Chris, I did just have the freakin cheapest camping dates in the history of the show
That is true. And, we did save a mint at that cheap ass, red leather banquette Madonna Inn, so, yea, cut those bitches free. We’ll milk the hell out of it in the promos.
Thanks, Man. Love you.
Chris walks back in with Jake for, truly, THE MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY since the one dude changed his mind after the final proposal. Chris removes one of the roses. I really really wanted him to walk over and drop it in the fireplace. 2 of you sluts are going home, not just one. Jake mumbles something about, “trying to find my wife”.
There are now 3 ladies in black standing in a row. SHIT. He keeps Vienna, gets rid of Ashleigh and Jessie.
Ali is pissed and is mumbling under her breath about Vienna. We have to tell him what a biatch she is. “If that HO is what he wants, then I am not what he wants”. Yea, you tell him.
Next stop, ladies is San Francisco. Everyone clinks glasses, and no one says a damn thing.
Vienna-Donna
Gia-Karen
Tenley-Cindy R
Corrie-Betty
Ali-Tess
Off to the herpes clinic
Jessica-Ginny
Ashleigh-Cindy M
Ella-Lori M
Catherine-Greta
Valecia-Lori K
Crazy Michelle-Irene
Elizabeth-Elayne
Ashley-Sara
Christina-Stephanie
Slutty Spice-Wendy
So, we start again with Chris in the living room ‘splaining the rules. Why does this bug the shit out of me every week? Anyway, there will be 1 one-on-one, 1 group date and one two-on-one, also known as a ménage a twat, or as my husband excitedly yelled from the kitchen, “woooohooo, a threesome!!”.
But tonight, THERE IS ALSO A BIG CHANGE waiting outside, ladies! OMFG, 2 RV’s roll up. Hi HO hi HO it’s off on a road trip we go. I’d be so done.
The HO’s are assigned to RVs, just so Vienna doesn’t end up all alone. And, they get one hour to pack. Which in HO land, is ridunculous.
Jake, the biker pilot, rides his bike up the coast. UGH, as if I didn’t dislike him enough, we find out he likes to shit in the woods. Also known as camping. The campout is in a vineyard. Hey, is Andrew Firestone around and still looking for a bachelorette? Jake has his tent all set up when he greats the ladies. Vienna grabs his arm and says, “is that our tent?” MEOW. He hands the date card to Gia, and gets the hell out of there.
Gia gets the one-on-one, “Let’s go over the moon and be under the stars”. Gia is a New Yowker, a certified city girl. She wears her casual duds and her stilettos. Ho down tonight in the vineyard! Vienna is drooling thinking of how badly this is gonna go for Gia, “this is completely out of her element. I hope she gets mauled by a bear and left for dead”.
The date is in the vineyard. Gia wants to play hide and seek. Watch out for the Jake shit! How friggin CUTE is that? Once he finds her, they move on to playing hide the salami. “She has a real passion for life”. Holy crap, he carries her around the vineyard with her legs wrapped around his waist. SLUT. Now I understand the purpose of those shoes.
Deep conversations with what appears to be 4 bottles of wine. Jake: in 9th grade I was known as Mr. Dateless. 9th grade?? They play spin the bottle. “Cheeks, lips, all the way”. SLURP. She gets the infamous quick lip peck that quickly moves to the cheek kiss of death. “That was the best kiss of my life”. Uhuh. 4 bottles of wine will do that to you.
They move on to his campsite, where there is MORE WINE. He is going to make a fire, with a shit load of wood in a firepit from Smith and Hawkins. Real rugged. I believe there are firestarter bricks in there. But, it doesn’t matter cause after that much wine she’d spread ‘em for the flick of a bic lighter. Dinner is hot dogs and s’mores.
“How do you picture us working out?” “Well, I prefer to be on the top”. No no no, I mean the future. Oh. “Well, you get rid of that HO Vienna, then we get engaged, I move to bum fuck Texas, we get married after a while, have two kids, and adopt one from China (or take Ella’s kid). Oh, and I want a pot bellied pig.” Wow, Jake never considered a kid from China or a pig! Slurp fest, and she gets a rose.
The Meow Mix starts howling. One of the blondes walks out with the next date card. “Where’d you get that?” “Ummmmmm, it was on the RV windowshield while I was banging the camera guy”. It’s the ménage a twat date!!! And, it goes to Ella and Katherine. Which means the rest of the ho’s are going on the group date.
The next morning, the road trip continues to Pismo Beach for more camping and the group date, “an extremely dirty date”. He and the Ho’s go dune buggying and rolling in the sand. Ali calls Jake’s dune buggy. Vienna “have your fun with him because I am going to marry him”. Jessie and Vienna are in one buggy but Jessie isn’t an aggressive enough driver and their buggy gets stuck. Jake comes to the rescue. Then it’s time for sand surfing. He rolls down the hill with Tenley, and finally gets to cop a feel. They are all lovey dovey when they get up, so I guess she copped one as well.
Picnic time. Fruit and wine. Seriously, this dude is getting on my freaking nerves with these lame ass dates. Is it just so that he never has to dress up? He wants to know who’s up for a roll in the sand, and only Corrie takes him up on it, the rest preferring to continue to drink and bitch at each other.
The day ends at the “Madonna Inn”, which is so famous “celebrities go there”. Yea, by the looks of the interior, they go there to shoot heroin and OD. They all get to shower and dress in this hotel room with, I swear to god, red carpeting on the walls. They go down to dinner in their Ho dresses, and he is not even dressed up. Seriously! I doubt he even showered for the past couple of days. The restaurant is empty (which is a sign of a really good restaurant), there is no wait staff in sight, and there are tons and tons of red leather banquettes.
He takes Ashleigh to this strange teal bedroom, where they lay on the bed and talk. “She is smoking, but I am just not feeling it”. He takes her back and asks Vienna if she wants to go for a walk. “I prefer to go last, thankyouverymuch.” I think she wants to sniff his crotch to see if anyone else got there first.
Ali gets a yellow hotel room. “I have a hard time being affectionate with you in front of everyone”. She wastes her time complaining about the number of roses left this week instead of shutting up and putting out.
Tenley gets the “Madonna” suite. Jake wants to know if she is over her ex husband yet. They talk about him. “Do you feel comfortable with me, Jake?” “Um, I have my head in your lap so I guess yes”. SLURP.
Finally, it’s Vienna’s time. I think he takes her back to the Madonna room. Either that or the lobby. “I want you for myself”. “Vienna, I think you gotta cool it with the biatch thing. You bring it on yourself”. She cuts this line of discussion off.
Finally, they are all back in the restaurant. Jake gives the put out rose to Tenley. Tssssssssss the claws come out. Corrie is frustrated.
Next day, the caravan of Ho’s moves up the coast to Big Sur. More camping. Jake is in a lovely brown plaid flannel shirt. With a puffy vest. He invites Katherine and Ella to his cabin for some grub. Man, the economy sucks for the bachelor! The dinner conversation is all about Family Values, and Ella monopolizes the conversation. He takes her outside (man, is there no plumbing in this cabin either??). It’s all family family family, blah blah blah. “Because you have a kid, if I am not absolutely sure, I don’t want to keep you”. Although I had no trouble using your kid for ratings last week. No kiss. Not good.
Katherine’s time to go out to the woodpile. “I keep getting lost in your eyes”. K: “I have lots of questions” J: “Ask away”. “How long is your penis?” Oh wait, I made that up to kill the boredom. “How come you ignore me?” Yea, how come you ignore her to the point that I was like, who the hell is Katherine? “I’m trying not to get lost in your beauty”. JeSUS. I have a bridge for her if she buys that one.
He leaves the two in his cabin while he goes outside to think. Hahahah, bad move. He comes back and takes Ella outside again. “You are great….BUT….” No h’ose. Bubye. At least she gets to leave in a limo. He goes to Katherine. “You have an honesty about you….BUT…..no h’ose either.” Chris, do we have money for a second limo?? Da’am he is cold. “This is breaking my heart, but in some other strange way, turning me on”.
The meow mix is FREAKING. First the crew comes and gets Ella’s luggage, THEN they come and get Katherine’s. Holy shit.
Jake is all tortured. So he burns the damn rose. Hahahahahah. I friggin love that symbolism.
MMix: Vienna has to go home at the next rose ceremony, and if not, he is getting a real talking to.
The RV’s make their way to the Montalvo Arts Center. The 7 Ho’s stumble out of the vans and into the center to get dressed for the cocktail party. Jake rides up in his suit (finally) and the worlds ugliest tie (God, for a minute I thought it has animals on it), with his leather jacket over it. Nice touch, stud. He walks into the party and announces, “we are all gonna do shots and then you are all gonna get naked”. I wish.
Corrie one on one: “Jake, do I make you nervous? Because I was reading in Teen Beat on the drive here that women should make men nervous. I want us to be like that”. “I will make you a deal, I will pursue you but you have to open up (which is code for put out)”.
Ali: “Jake, I think what you did last night, culling the herd, was honorable”. “I’m falling for you”. SLURP. “I’m scared”. SLURP.
Jessie has really really BAD green eyeshadow. It’s the living in a trailer impact. She basically spends her one on one time bagging on Vienna. Not cool. “Why do y’all dislike her?” “She is self-centered and spoiled. She tells us that her daddy writes her checks for anything she wants”. Cheek kiss. AKA ,the kiss of death.
Vienna: “I’m stressing about what these other Ho’s are saying about me. What will your family and friends think of me if these chicks figured me out so quickly?” Jake, “Don’t worry, I like to form my own opinions.”
Ding ding ding. Thank you Chris for saving us.
Gia and Tenley are safe. Jake yammers and yammers on and on. He gives Ali and Corrie roses.
Dramatic pause, picks up one rose, puts it down. I need a minute…He runs back stage, asks some female production member to find Chris (who is drinking no doubt waiting for his next, “Ladies this is the final rose” line).
Chris, I need some advice
What is it buddy?
Chris, can I send more sluts home?
Well, Jake, we all get paid by the episode.....but if you really want to... we'll take it out of the size of this season’s Harry Winstin engagement ring. "
Well, Chris, I did just have the freakin cheapest camping dates in the history of the show
That is true. And, we did save a mint at that cheap ass, red leather banquette Madonna Inn, so, yea, cut those bitches free. We’ll milk the hell out of it in the promos.
Thanks, Man. Love you.
Chris walks back in with Jake for, truly, THE MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY since the one dude changed his mind after the final proposal. Chris removes one of the roses. I really really wanted him to walk over and drop it in the fireplace. 2 of you sluts are going home, not just one. Jake mumbles something about, “trying to find my wife”.
There are now 3 ladies in black standing in a row. SHIT. He keeps Vienna, gets rid of Ashleigh and Jessie.
Ali is pissed and is mumbling under her breath about Vienna. We have to tell him what a biatch she is. “If that HO is what he wants, then I am not what he wants”. Yea, you tell him.
Next stop, ladies is San Francisco. Everyone clinks glasses, and no one says a damn thing.
Vienna-Donna
Gia-Karen
Tenley-Cindy R
Corrie-Betty
Ali-Tess
Off to the herpes clinic
Jessica-Ginny
Ashleigh-Cindy M
Ella-Lori M
Catherine-Greta
Valecia-Lori K
Crazy Michelle-Irene
Elizabeth-Elayne
Ashley-Sara
Christina-Stephanie
Slutty Spice-Wendy
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Bachelor Week 3: Goodbye Bunny Killer
Uh oh, the claws are coming out! MEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW.
Here's why I love this show. Comments like "It's very hard to live in a house with 15 other women dating your future husband". But, I guess when you've been through eHarmony's database, and Match.com's and even Snatch.com, your options are limited.
Here's another thought to consider while I dig out my notes: the producers MUST have known that Michelle was crazy. Seriously, I am starting to think they intentionally put crazy people on these shows for the pure entertainment factor. More on her later...
But first, the show tonight begins with Chris (in a really old ratty Tshirt and a blazer. Dude, Miami Vice was in the 80's) ONCE AGAIN explaining how the show works. "This week there will be two one-on-one dates and 1 group date. If you go on a one on one and do not get a rose, you get the van ride home. If you do not get a one-on-date, you cannot sleep with production staff. Oh, and as part of our new hire program, meet our new totally homosexual male crew. Good luck getting anything other than decorating ideas, ladies!"
Vienna gets the first one-on-one date, "Let's fall head over heels". Oooh!! It's a heels behind your ears date!! SWEEEEET.
MEEEOOOOOWWWW. Claws are out on this one-on-one.
Jake (aka PILOT) arrives with his motorcycle and Vienna is ready and appropriately dressed sans prom gown. Off on the bike to Jake's house. Apparently she doesn't get to go inside. What's this?? Oh! They still have time left over on last week's helicopter ride! Up they go, and they land on a bridge where bungee cords are set up. So, clearly in addition to a virgin or someone with few dating experiences, Jake is looking for a woman with good bladder control.
The whole jumping thing is ridunculous. V: "I'm soooo scared" J: "me tooo me tooooo". On and freaking on. Why not just skip to the drinks portion of the date?? Jake goes freaking on and on about "overcoming a fear together is great for couples building...blah blah blah...I need to know that I can draw strength from my future wife". So, in order to test that part, he basically fakes a panic attack. LAME. They jump. Then she gets a kiss at the end of the rope hanging upside down. The night continues to dinner but I just can't stomach it anymore. Bottom line, she didn't shit herself so she gets a rose.
Next morning, it's the group date invitation. Man, I hope Jake isn't really designing these dates because they are FREAKING lame. 8 women go with him to the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club. I didn't realize Lovitz was still alive. Michelle is PISSED cause she wanted a one on one. Jon Lovitz comes in announces that the ladies are going to do comedy. Lots of freaking out. Ashleigh is crying, so Jake gives her a joke.
Back at the ranch, Ella gets the next one on one envelope, "Let's lift off to another world". OMG, I think NASA is going to let Jake take the Space Shuttle out. Gia gets no date this week, nor does someone else but I can't remember all their names. The blondes are confusing the hell out of me. Vienna goes on and on about how much she will enjoy her date with Jake, cause Jake is just so wonderful and makes you feel like you are the next Mrs. Jake Pilot. This pisses Gia off. Drama enfolds, everyone is pissed off at Vienna.
Bad comedy back at the club. Jessie, I think, makes a joke about her family being too fat to know if they were greek. That'll work! Tenley for some reason lays down and puts her ankles behind her ears. Now we're talking!! Elizabeth the non-kisser, gets up and tells filthy jokes. Very weird. Michelle gets up and bombs, says, wonder why there are no coconuts on the trees? Cause I have them down my shirt. And, makes some strange golf joke about "Waiting for my hole to get a one-on-one". WOW. Seriously, you can't make this shit up!
Corey gets up and basically rips on everyone, Tenley for being a work out nut, Catherine, and finally she goes bonkers on Vienna. Totally rips her, and Jake doesn't like that.
Ashleigh finally gets up and does blonde jokes. Which, apparently Jake knows a lot of.
Afterwards, they have a "wrap" party. GAY. Tenley gets her one on one time, tells Jake that she was married to the only man she ever slept with, and he left her. Boohooo. Jake gives her a pity kiss.
Ashleigh uses her time to continue to bag on Vienna. Tells Jake that everyone was mad that he gave the ho a rose. She tells him Vienna came home from her date and gabbed all about the intimate details, makes her a controversy. Jake isn't to happy with this litter box scratching. Meanwhile, back at the house, Gia and Vienna are still going at it. Vienna cries herself to sleep, boohoo, everyone hates me. EXCEPT JAKE!!
Ali is all upset that he has ignored her since their date, and she put out, which used to really bug me when I was single. She gets some one on one time, and smooth operator that he is, Jake starts right off apologizing for ignoring her. Ahhhh, KISS. Then she starts bagging on Vienna.
On the couch, everyone's happy that Vienna got bagged on by Corey, they toast but Michelle doesn't join in. "What is your freaking problem, psycho??" Michelle goes on some rant about wanting a husband REALLY BADLY, and also wanting to kiss Jake in a crazy, tongue in your mouth, ripping out handfuls of hair, humping his thigh way. It is really freaky.
She gets her one on one time and man, it is a sight! She is all, I want a husband crazy!! Ladies, this tactic does not work!!! Watch and learn. She asks for a kiss, and gets a kiss, but tells him, "that sucked it, it wasn't enough cause my clothes are still on." She threatens to leave again (she's packed up like 3 times already) and he tells her, that would probably be a good idea.
Jake returns to the couch and tells the ho's, I have a headache, I just kissed a witch, and none of you Vienna baggers are gonna get the rose.
Next morning, Ella's date. It's a makeup date for her missed birthday. The required date helicopter arrives at the house and whisks them off to Sea World. Ok, at this point I was yelling at the TV, "Noooooooo, don't involve the child in this.............. Please!! There should be laws against this............" And, just like that her son runs over clutching that friggin airplane. Here little boy, have an airplane while I molest your mom, who I met 2 weeks ago. UGH. It's a family fun date with Shamu and other cute animals. Hands up, who else was hoping the kid threw up on Jake so he would get the clue about fatherhood?? WHATEVER. He's falling for her kid I think. She gets the rose.
Next night, Cocktail party time. It's the Elizabeth crazy show. Jake calls her (in his head) the Queen of the Mixed Signals. Funny, it used to be called cock tease when I was in school. Do you wanna kiss me? I'm a good kisser. You should want to kiss me. He basically tells her she is confusing, and he is never gonna give the expensive Harry Winston ring that ABC is gonna buy for him to give someone he has never....kissed. It starts getting uncomfortable and Vienna interrupts. AND SHE ALREADY HAS A ROSE. Major faux pas. She cries to Jake, "It's soooo hard here, I'm not a bad person, but these sluts are crazy". She gets a cheek kiss. Hmmmmm. Are his feelings for her changing??
The other girls are all pissed and tell her so. Ali confronts Vienna AGAIN. Elizabeth is crying, telling people that Jake is pressuring HER for a kiss. She goes back to confront Jake. She's pissed. More of the kiss bullshit. You can tell Jake is not into it at all. Fortunately, Chris comes and saves the day.
Roses tonight go to...
Vienna-Donna
Gia-Karen
Tenley-Cindy R
Ella-Lori M
Cory-Betty
Jessica-Ginny
Ashleigh-Cindy M
Catherine-Greta
Ali-Tess
Here's why I love this show. Comments like "It's very hard to live in a house with 15 other women dating your future husband". But, I guess when you've been through eHarmony's database, and Match.com's and even Snatch.com, your options are limited.
Here's another thought to consider while I dig out my notes: the producers MUST have known that Michelle was crazy. Seriously, I am starting to think they intentionally put crazy people on these shows for the pure entertainment factor. More on her later...
But first, the show tonight begins with Chris (in a really old ratty Tshirt and a blazer. Dude, Miami Vice was in the 80's) ONCE AGAIN explaining how the show works. "This week there will be two one-on-one dates and 1 group date. If you go on a one on one and do not get a rose, you get the van ride home. If you do not get a one-on-date, you cannot sleep with production staff. Oh, and as part of our new hire program, meet our new totally homosexual male crew. Good luck getting anything other than decorating ideas, ladies!"
Vienna gets the first one-on-one date, "Let's fall head over heels". Oooh!! It's a heels behind your ears date!! SWEEEEET.
MEEEOOOOOWWWW. Claws are out on this one-on-one.
Jake (aka PILOT) arrives with his motorcycle and Vienna is ready and appropriately dressed sans prom gown. Off on the bike to Jake's house. Apparently she doesn't get to go inside. What's this?? Oh! They still have time left over on last week's helicopter ride! Up they go, and they land on a bridge where bungee cords are set up. So, clearly in addition to a virgin or someone with few dating experiences, Jake is looking for a woman with good bladder control.
The whole jumping thing is ridunculous. V: "I'm soooo scared" J: "me tooo me tooooo". On and freaking on. Why not just skip to the drinks portion of the date?? Jake goes freaking on and on about "overcoming a fear together is great for couples building...blah blah blah...I need to know that I can draw strength from my future wife". So, in order to test that part, he basically fakes a panic attack. LAME. They jump. Then she gets a kiss at the end of the rope hanging upside down. The night continues to dinner but I just can't stomach it anymore. Bottom line, she didn't shit herself so she gets a rose.
Next morning, it's the group date invitation. Man, I hope Jake isn't really designing these dates because they are FREAKING lame. 8 women go with him to the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club. I didn't realize Lovitz was still alive. Michelle is PISSED cause she wanted a one on one. Jon Lovitz comes in announces that the ladies are going to do comedy. Lots of freaking out. Ashleigh is crying, so Jake gives her a joke.
Back at the ranch, Ella gets the next one on one envelope, "Let's lift off to another world". OMG, I think NASA is going to let Jake take the Space Shuttle out. Gia gets no date this week, nor does someone else but I can't remember all their names. The blondes are confusing the hell out of me. Vienna goes on and on about how much she will enjoy her date with Jake, cause Jake is just so wonderful and makes you feel like you are the next Mrs. Jake Pilot. This pisses Gia off. Drama enfolds, everyone is pissed off at Vienna.
Bad comedy back at the club. Jessie, I think, makes a joke about her family being too fat to know if they were greek. That'll work! Tenley for some reason lays down and puts her ankles behind her ears. Now we're talking!! Elizabeth the non-kisser, gets up and tells filthy jokes. Very weird. Michelle gets up and bombs, says, wonder why there are no coconuts on the trees? Cause I have them down my shirt. And, makes some strange golf joke about "Waiting for my hole to get a one-on-one". WOW. Seriously, you can't make this shit up!
Corey gets up and basically rips on everyone, Tenley for being a work out nut, Catherine, and finally she goes bonkers on Vienna. Totally rips her, and Jake doesn't like that.
Ashleigh finally gets up and does blonde jokes. Which, apparently Jake knows a lot of.
Afterwards, they have a "wrap" party. GAY. Tenley gets her one on one time, tells Jake that she was married to the only man she ever slept with, and he left her. Boohooo. Jake gives her a pity kiss.
Ashleigh uses her time to continue to bag on Vienna. Tells Jake that everyone was mad that he gave the ho a rose. She tells him Vienna came home from her date and gabbed all about the intimate details, makes her a controversy. Jake isn't to happy with this litter box scratching. Meanwhile, back at the house, Gia and Vienna are still going at it. Vienna cries herself to sleep, boohoo, everyone hates me. EXCEPT JAKE!!
Ali is all upset that he has ignored her since their date, and she put out, which used to really bug me when I was single. She gets some one on one time, and smooth operator that he is, Jake starts right off apologizing for ignoring her. Ahhhh, KISS. Then she starts bagging on Vienna.
On the couch, everyone's happy that Vienna got bagged on by Corey, they toast but Michelle doesn't join in. "What is your freaking problem, psycho??" Michelle goes on some rant about wanting a husband REALLY BADLY, and also wanting to kiss Jake in a crazy, tongue in your mouth, ripping out handfuls of hair, humping his thigh way. It is really freaky.
She gets her one on one time and man, it is a sight! She is all, I want a husband crazy!! Ladies, this tactic does not work!!! Watch and learn. She asks for a kiss, and gets a kiss, but tells him, "that sucked it, it wasn't enough cause my clothes are still on." She threatens to leave again (she's packed up like 3 times already) and he tells her, that would probably be a good idea.
Jake returns to the couch and tells the ho's, I have a headache, I just kissed a witch, and none of you Vienna baggers are gonna get the rose.
Next morning, Ella's date. It's a makeup date for her missed birthday. The required date helicopter arrives at the house and whisks them off to Sea World. Ok, at this point I was yelling at the TV, "Noooooooo, don't involve the child in this.............. Please!! There should be laws against this............" And, just like that her son runs over clutching that friggin airplane. Here little boy, have an airplane while I molest your mom, who I met 2 weeks ago. UGH. It's a family fun date with Shamu and other cute animals. Hands up, who else was hoping the kid threw up on Jake so he would get the clue about fatherhood?? WHATEVER. He's falling for her kid I think. She gets the rose.
Next night, Cocktail party time. It's the Elizabeth crazy show. Jake calls her (in his head) the Queen of the Mixed Signals. Funny, it used to be called cock tease when I was in school. Do you wanna kiss me? I'm a good kisser. You should want to kiss me. He basically tells her she is confusing, and he is never gonna give the expensive Harry Winston ring that ABC is gonna buy for him to give someone he has never....kissed. It starts getting uncomfortable and Vienna interrupts. AND SHE ALREADY HAS A ROSE. Major faux pas. She cries to Jake, "It's soooo hard here, I'm not a bad person, but these sluts are crazy". She gets a cheek kiss. Hmmmmm. Are his feelings for her changing??
The other girls are all pissed and tell her so. Ali confronts Vienna AGAIN. Elizabeth is crying, telling people that Jake is pressuring HER for a kiss. She goes back to confront Jake. She's pissed. More of the kiss bullshit. You can tell Jake is not into it at all. Fortunately, Chris comes and saves the day.
Roses tonight go to...
Vienna-Donna
Gia-Karen
Tenley-Cindy R
Ella-Lori M
Cory-Betty
Jessica-Ginny
Ashleigh-Cindy M
Catherine-Greta
Ali-Tess
Off to the herpes clinic
Valecia-Lori K
Crazy Michelle-Irene
Elizabeth-Elayne
Ashley-Sara
Christina-Stephanie
Slutty Spice-Wendy
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