Survivor: Ding Dong the Ding Dong is Dead

Hello, and Happy Survivor Day!  Hope you have all sobered up from your St. Paddies Day celebrations.  And by all I mean Matt.  LOL. 

Another fine episode of BBB last week.  After Brice flew off like a gay butterfly Morgan is mad at Jeremiah for turning against her.  She asks J why he voted for Brice in public, and he explains he had to stay with his original alliance. He's pissed she made him admit that, and by pissed I mean mildly confusingly not very bright annoyed.  Morgan tries to stir the pot by telling Alexis that Jeremiah originally was pushing for her because he wants to take over the tribe from LJ.  LJ hears this and perks up his little beautiful ears.  Alexis is now not trusting Jeremiah. 

Treemail. Something about "seeing" and everyone gets that it's the blindfolded challenge.  Because as we all know,  THERE ARE NO NEW CHALLENGES TO BE INVENTED.  The "Brains" tribe walks around practicing. 

Challenge: it's the caller leading blindfolded people through an obstacle course made up mainly of groin height boxes and barrels, with the added twist of the need to hoist the 5 recovered items up to the caller.  It's for reward only.  Chickens for the winners and a dozen eggs for the second tribe. 

It's a ball buster, basically.  Poor LJ gets hit in the privates so many times he's about to lose his logo "Hung like a  Horse Trainer".  The brain tribe is surprisingly doing well, basically because Jtia is kept to she sidelines and only gets to help hoist.  Beauty as usual kicks ass and ends up in first.  It looks like an easy win for Brains but they allow Brawn to come from behind in what Jeff calls AN UNBELIEVABLE AND UNPRECEDENTED RECOVERY.  Because the Brains have to rely on Jtia to hoist the flag, and she basically isn't able to lay a flag on a big giant wooden raft, the Brawn team wins the dozen eggs.  Spencer is furious. 

The beauty team arrive at camp with their 3 hens and a rooster.  Jeremiah finds the idol clue and reads it out loud, annoying LJ.  LJ has the idol but thinks it would have become a community property idol had they all found it.  I'm not even sure if anyone went looking for it!  The beauty tribe live up to their stupid stereotypes by trying to figure out how the eggs keep coming from the hens.  Do you need the rooster?  Do they need to have sex?  Are eggs asexual?  LJ solves the problem by pointing out that since dinosaurs also had eggs, the egg came before the chicken.  Jeremiah twists the head off the chicken, pretending to be a farm boy.  He's actually just a male model and none of them can figure out if they killed a hen or a rooster. 

Sarah is still obsessed with the Cliff/Lindsey story Tony told her.  She wants Cliff gone, to the point of talking to Woo about it.  Woo and she agree that he doesn't need the money, and decide it's their time for some bling.  Woo, although a good buddy of Cliff, is willing to affiliate himself with the majority.  Tony sees them talking and has a little panic attack.  He approaches Sarah who tells him Woo is with them.  So, basically it's 4 against 2 in their eyes. 

Treemail:  Sink or Swim.  They all think it has something to do with basketball.  Sarah wants to throw the challenge to get rid of Cliff.  She talks to Malnutrish, who's all whatever.  Woo isn't really into it but he has no principles apparently. 

Challenge:  floating platforms, swim down and untie 5 buoys, and then sink 5 shots in the basketball thingy. 

Sarah spends a lot of time in the water "trying" to untie one of the buoys, and she "can't get it".  Swims back. Malnutrish has the same problem.  They both lose a lot of time.  But unfortunately for their plans, the Brains team really is that bad.  Jtia, surprisingly, can't get the easy buoy.  Neither can Kass.  Or Tasha.  Basically Spencer has to get all of the buoys, totally ignoring the girls. 

Beauty is already shooting basketballs.  Still drama and slowness on the Brawn tribe.  Woo kicks it up and gets a buoy, as does Cliff.  It's a shootout between Spencer and Cliff, yet Jtia and Kass can't return the balls to Spencer very fast. Jtia even accidentally kicks it outside of the "court" area.  It's a disaster.  Cliff makes the 5 baskets and Brawn wins immunity.  Sarah points out that even TRYING to throw the game Brains suck too badly. 

Spencer feels gypped. "The girls are in the power position but all they do is run the tribe into the ground".  It's obviously between Spencer and Jtia.  Kass and Tasha talk.  "What is the logic of getting rid of Spencer??"  They both agree there is none, but they decide not to tell Spencer he is safe for fear Jtia will get nervous and lose her shit again.  They talk to Jtia to blow smoke up her ass and she's all LOYALTY.  Tasha starts to waver.  Hmmmmmm, maybe a crazy ass black woman with loyalty and nothing else really is better??? 

Kass doesn't really give a shit.  "Just make a decision and stick to it".

Tribal

Jtia:  I did my best today, but swimmin' isn't really my thang. 
Tasha:  Not sure what her thing is, she is always weak
Jtia:  I'm only weak in challenges but I got that whole outplay and outwit thing going for me
Jeff:  You kinda forgot the whole OUTLAST part there.... If you keep losing, none of you will be left.
Tasha:  blahblahblah strength or loyalty
Kass:  the rice thing was an emotional response.  I've been there,  Jtia just makes bad decisions
Spencer:  the rice thing doesn't bode well.  Unpredictability is dangerous.  I'm with them.

At this point Jeff points out that neither Kass or Tasha are listening, instead they are having a conversation about which way to vote. 

Spencer:  It's crazy and it's scary
Kass:  as someone sitting on the couch I'd be loving this.  Who knows which is the stupid move??  UM PRETTY MUCH ALL OF US WATCHING KNOW KEEPING JTIA IS A STUPID MOVE.
Spencer:  I'm loyal and I want to win challenges.

Time to vote.....  aaaaaand, leaving tonight is Jtia.  Now, I'm wondering if she left Survivor on that mysterious missing plane because some terrorist organization totally wants an insane rice burning woman with a background in nuclear engineering.....has CNN thought of THAT angle yet???

Survivor:How Do I Really Feel?

Greetings, and welcome to Survivor Wednesday!!  Yes, yes, one of these days I'll get this email sent out earlier in the week but, HEY NOT THIS TIME! 

Ok, so last time we spoke, the shit-for-brains team decided to keep a lunatic who dumped all of their rice.  Because of GIRL POWERZ or something.  Spencer is now the odd man out. Jtia (note:  I'm not even dignifying her with 2 capital letters) notes that "this tribe is a disaster".  Ya think?  And why would that be nuclear engineer??  Kass agrees to go with an all girl alliance.  Says, "YOU CAN ALWAYS REPLACE RICE",  and Jtia is loyal.  WTF???  YOU CAN ALWAYS REPLACE RICE???  With what??  Again, my major annoyance with this show lately is the total and utter lack of medically dangerous starvation.  Kass thinks because they saved Jtia, that she will somehow feel beholden to she and Kitty.  But that's the problem with psychopaths like Jtia.  The mere fact that they owe loyalty to someone else makes them infuriated.  And then dangerous. 

Over on Brawn, Tony finally tells Sarah that he is a cop.  She says she has cop-dar.  Tony works her-"imagine a 2-cop alliance".  She pledges loyalty.  And just to seal the deal he lies to her about Cliff and Lindsay wanting to get rid of her. 

STORM.  Yea, it's just rain so this snow weary girl isn't really that upset for them.  Woo is all EXCITED.  Woohoo, it's REALLY SURVIVOR BABY.  These people are worse than the "fans" -they can't WAIT for the game to get all miserable and deceitful.  Dude, it's gonna get bad enough soon enough.  Chill. 

Tony is still working Sarah.  He has an entire story concocted about Cliff and Lindsay.  They form the Blue Blood Alliance.  It's like curling up with a nice snake. 

And now over to the Beauty tribe, and thank you Mark Burnett for ACTUALLY accompanying this tribe with nice lilting background music.  Pageant girl is all upset. " It's a survivor nightmare".  NO, IT'S SURVIVOR.  LT doesn't think much of the girls.  "They don't do anything".  LT leaves the wet shelter and finds the idol.  Which is apparently not that well hidden! 

Treemail: It's a water throwing challenge.  Kitty makes everyone go into the water and "practice".  Which basically means Kass, Spencer and Jtai throw water at her cleavage. 

Challenge.  And, yes, it's the throw water into a bucket (actually throw a bucket from one to another, then throw the water to the third person), fill a cylinder up to release a ball and then complete a totally awesome vertical puzzle.  Wanna know?  Comfort and a tarp for the first team, and a tarp for the second team. 

Spoiler alert-the practice did not help the brains tribe.  They really suck.  Beauty comes out ahead and goes to the puzzle, followed by Brawn.  At this point I swear the producers just gave Brains the water because I never say them amass enough to raise an olive let alone the ball.  Brawn kills the puzzle and wins the comfort,  Fortunately Brains kept Jtia a loooong way away from the puzzle, and they come from behind to beat the beautiful people and win the tarp. 

Tony carries the goods back to camp and once again searches and finds the clue.  "These people are idiots".  They set up their Pier 1 Imports Survivor collection and the place really does look like a homey hell hole.  Sarah tries out the hammock and lands on her ass. 

And so now it's time for the beautiful people to scramble.  "The energy is about to turn dark".  It's apparently a choice between Morgan and Brice.  And now, the moment you have all been waiting for......Brice.  First up, on what criteria is Brice considered beautiful?  I just do not see it,  and puleeeaaaaze stop with the he's all fashionable.  He dresses like a character from an  80's sitcom on the CW network.  He says he is more than beautiful, he is "a social threat".  LMAO.  And he says that in his most annoying voice.  I seriously cannot stand him. 

Morgan thinks Jeremiah is with them.  They need to bring  in Jefra,  Is Jefra one of the Dugger kids?  Like once they ran out of good J for jeebus names??  Morgan talks to Jefra who is all confused.  Mostly because she thought her whole job was to be beautiful and not, like, to think.  She's all, people have alliances???  Jefra talks to Jeremiah, who tells her no, we're sticking with the original alliance, although he doesn't want to vote against Morgan.  They decide to split the vote, so it would be a 2-2-2 tie, and then to vote out Brice for the win. 

Jeremiah wants to take over the tribe.  From I guess LJ.  But he's upset because "somebody's feelings are gonna get hurt".  Awwwww.  Bless his HOT little heart.  Seriously, this dude is HOOOOOT IMO.  Like he could go 50 shades of whatever color he wants on me.  He reminds me of one of the older brothers on another 80's show-like one of those 8 is enough or something shows where there was always a hot older brother who you just KNEW was borrowing the big family station wagon and banging the HELL out of the cheerleader team, and then smiling as he drove his little brothers and sisters around in the studly sperm mobile. 

Tribal.  Jeff is in blue but, meh, I have  Jeremiah on my mind. It is perhaps the most boring tribal ever. 

ARE YOU JUST BUNCH OF BEAUTY CLICHES?  Um, probably although nobody on this tribe knows what the words cliche means. 
Brice: I'm beautiful.  I'm like a beautiful caterpillar who has turned into a beautiful butterfly, flying around being beautiful and eating plants.  LMAO-THAT is almost a direct quote. 
Jefra:  This has been like a big fraternity party, but without the keg and the group sex.  Then there was a storm.  And now there is paranoid.  And apparently there was strategery but I wasn't aware of anything because this beautiful butterfly was annoying the shit out of me.
Brice:  There were formalized groups yes.  Me and Morgan (MORGAN AND I YOU ILLITERATE SHIT) were on the outs.  Alexis has never talked to me.  And I'm, like?  Social?  Everyone should pull their weight DOT DOT DOT harumph.
Brice: TALK ON THE TOWN is there may be idols. 
Jeremiah:  Whatever happens, I'm gonna have the sadz.  But my hair is gonna look GREAT. 

Jeff is basically out of "tough" questions.  Time to vote. It's a 3 way.  Tie that is.  Revote....and Brice gets to fly off but not before standing and staaaaring at Jeff for such a long minute I thought he was gonna go in for the tongue. 

SURVIVOR: BEAUTY, BRAWN AND......

DUMBASSES.

Welcome to week 1 (and 2) of this season's Survivor, where apparently Jeff is still gonna TALK ALL THROUGH THE CHALLENGES. 

The good news?  NO REDEMPTION AND NO RETURNING PLAYERS.  The bad news?  THESE PLAYERS.  Let me just do a little recap for ya.  We have a police officer who's a liar, a hairstylist who looks like Bob Marley on a bad day, a chick with a freaking hello kitty bow in her hair, and anorexic Pilates instructor, a gay Urkel and on and on.  OMG, the nicknames write themselves. 

So, 3 teams of 6 each which means no one can hide early.  Jeff is all,  ooooooh, it's Brains, Beauty and Brawn, think you can guess which one you are??  Choose a leader.  Beauty goes with LJ, Brawn goes with Sarah and the "Brains" go with David because he is wearing a blazer.  Now, the leaders get to pick off the weakest on their tribes.  LJ picks Morgan because in the world of beauty you can be hot or cute, and hot can't be trusted.  Sarah picks the anorexic old lady, Trish.  Blazer man David picks Garrett, who is like Stretch Armstrong with apparently a brain ( extra points if you remember Stretch).  He chooses him because he's already playing the last 2/3 of the game. 

In a twist, the weakest are the first to get helicoptered to camp.  And, of course, they get a choice of an extra bag of rice or the clue to an idol.  Garrett takes the clue, and finds the idol.  His body and head ratio is wrong is some way.  Anyone??

Trish takes the rice.  Not that she eats carbs or anything.  Morgan takes the clue and has no luck finding the idol.  She tells the tribe that she had a choice and she chose fishing gear, rice and shelter.  Which brings me to the point of complaining about how much luxury these people are starting out with.  I mean, a BOAT???  WTF??  Why do I think reward challenges are gonna be for electricity, refrigeration and a Keurik system??  LJ doesn't trust her.....

The beauty tribe bangs out fire.  Mostly by staring at the logs with all of their good looks. 

Anorexic tells everyone she took the second bag of rice instead of the idol.  Which basically tells everyone there IS an idol.  The get to work banging out a shelter. Wooo recognizes Cliff as a basketball player, which is so amazing since he's 8 feet tall and there usually are former athletes on Survivor.  Sarah and Tony have this strange conversation where she asks him if he's a cop and he repeatedly denies it.  She is a cop as well.  I think she smells the donut residue on his fingers.  She thinks he's a liar. 

On Brains, the nuclear engineer, J'Tia tells everyone she has a total plan for building shelter.  She's a bossy pain in the ASS, alienating everyone AND the shelter falls apart before any weight is put on it. 

Challenge.  It's a pull a cart, get keys, unlock chests and carry them through an obstacle course and then, DO A PUZZLE.  There are gonna be a lot of puzzles this season.  Question- I see the advantage of brawn and brains in the challenges but how are they gonna do a beauty advantage challenge?  Catwalk?? 

Bottom line, brains SUCK.  Or as Jeff says, "DISASTER....UNBELIEVABLE.....NEVER IN THE HISTORY OF SURVIVOR...." and other bullshit.    Beauty comes in first, and gets more fire, brawn comes in second and gets flint and brains gets to go to tribal. 

David wants Garrett out.  Kass wants J'Tia,  I want J'Tia out.  Kass tells her, "I think you should go".  JTia gets all hurt and shit, can't handle THE TRUTH.  Why do I get the sense the world has always been telling her how "special" she is?  She and hello kitty girl commiserate, and Garrett small head joins them.  He thinks David is a threat and sets off to orchestrate his demise.  Garrett talks to Spencer who is kind of a pussy, frankly.  He's afraid David has an idol. 

Tribal.  Get your torch because IN THIS GAME FIRE IS YOUR LIFE.

JTia is all I know you are gonna be up my ASS Jeff  because I'm in danger.  I had a big plan for the shelter and it didn't work.
David: She came out strong.  It was all going well for her.... until it was not.
JTia gets all defensive.  I had a plan.  I'm really a relationship person.  LMAO
Jeff: DAVID, YOU PICKED GARRETT AS WEAK RIGHT OFF THE BAT??
David: Yes, I'm playing my end game now.
Garrett: Yea, that sucked because as everyone can see, I'm Stretch Armstrong with a tiny head chock full of brains.
David: He ain't going anywhere tonight.
JTia: It's the first part of the game we should be playing, so David should go.
Spencer, DO YOU WANT TO SAY ANYTHING?  Yes, Jeff, it is a big vote.  Blah blah, trust. 

Vote:  David is blindsided. 

Back at camp for another hour of this.  Garrett is all THIS IS NOT FUN.  I AM NOT BEING AMUSED.  THERE  HAS NOT BEEN ANY SURVIVOR STRATEGERY YET.

He and Spencer are together.  They shake hands with Kass who is like, I'm everyone's #3. 

 Brawn:  Cliff and Woo go fishing.  In a giant BOAT that just happened to be in their camp.  It's ridiculous.  They tip it over and Cliff has a great laugh.  Everyone loves Cliff except Tony, in his red underwear, which have burned my eyes. 

On Beauty, purple wearing gay Urkel is droning on about, god knows what.  Jeremiah and Morgan flirt, because basically that's all the beautiful know how to do. 

Back on Brawn, Trish tells Lindsay (aka Bob Marley) to get wood.  Big cat fight ensues with Lindsay calling Trish MalnuTrisha.  LOL.  And, another nickname is born.  Trish storms off to find Tony, and they bond over their totally not cool with the youngsters vibe.  Tony is busy building a SPY SHACK.  So he can sneak up on people in the shelter and overhear them. Cliff is his target. 

Another Challenge.  Swim out to a cage, climb in, untie something, get fish traps, swim them back to shore and then....wait for it........PUZZLE TIME.  This one is a REALLY HARD FISH PUZZLE.  Wanna know?  Basically an entire fish kitchen in a basket.  You know, the kind of reward saved for the end when people are hungry?  Yea, that.

JTia is a slow swimmer but somehow they pick up time and end up getting their traps first.  IT'S AN EXHAUSTING CHALLENGE.....YOU ARE GONNA NEED TO REALLY DIG.......

The brains are back on shore first and, hey, it's a puzzle so this is gonna be a slam dunk.  Except they let JTia do the puzzle.  And, she is a freaking idiot.  They have a long advantage where she gets nothing, and then Brawn shows up and Sarah bangs out the puzzle to win.  JTia is still shuffling fish around.  LJ comes from behind and Beauty takes second place.  JTia I think still only had 1 piece.  JTai: " I let my tribe down".  Ya think???

Brawn takes the basket of Long John Silver back to camp, and then searches through the basket to find the idol clue.  No one else apparently thinks about it.  He runs to the pond and finds the idol. 

Ok, so now for the meat of this show.  The Shit for Brains tribe.  Everyone is sitting in the shelter and Garrett says, "I'm saying JTia".  Let's do this without any side conversations.  He pushes Kass to announce that she is aligned with him and she says reluctantly, "yea, probably JTia".  Spencer agrees but thinks the open forum is totally ridiculous.  Hello Kitty has a meltdown.  I WANT CONVERSATIONS.  THIS ISN'T THE SURVIVOR I SIGNED UP FOR WITH THE SIDE CONVERSATIONS AND THE MANIPULATIONS.  Yep, another smart person who always gets her way.  Kitty has the SADS because Garrett and the other ones DON'T WANT TO PLAY THE GAME THE WAY SHE DOES.  She literally cries. 

Spencer thinks Garrett is an idiot.  Now we have to babysit JTia and Kitty.  Garrett wants everyone to just sit together so no one can talk.  What a total meathead.  Kitty and Kass end up at the water and Kitty starts working on Kass.  Says they can be one and two and that if they get rid of Garrett this week she PROMISES that JTia will be next.  Garrett and Spencer wander down to the water and confront them. 

Kass:  YOU DUMB ASSES LEFT JTIA ALONE???????  JTia goes all Brandon Hantz and dumps the rice in the fire.  Kass walks up and says, "who dumped the rice, the RICE FAIRY????"  JTia:"That's what happens when you leave crazy alone".  Garrett is all, "hey, it wouldn't have happened if we had all stuck together".  And no one is really that upset that THERE IS NO RICE. 

Tribal

SO I CAN SEE FROM YOUR FACES SOMETHING IS UP
Spencer: Garrett wanted an open forum, which was not a good idea
Tasha:  I wanted to talk to JTia
Garrett:  I wanted Kass to know we were with her.
JTia:  ok, ok, ok, Jeff, I threw the rice into the fire.  Not my best moment. GET OVER IT PEOPLE
Tasha:  She's volatile which is why I didn't want them to tell her she was going.
Jeff:  THIS IS WHY BLINDSIDES WORK.
JTia:  You spanked my ass publicly Garrett
Kass:  They are all paranoid.  Garrett left her alone when we went to wash our feet.
Tasha:  I FEEL STIFLED,  STIFLED I TELL YA. 
Garrett:  Tasha was upset about our alliance, I mean our tribe.
Kass says she is not in the alliance with Garrett.
Garrett says, "we shoot hands on day 4"
Spencer:  He said it now....
Garrett tries to say Kass approached Spencer and him but Kass insists that isn't the way it went down. 

Time to vote...... Garrett is the second person voted out.  Which begs the question, HOW BAD DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO GET VOTED OUT OVER A CRAZY WOMAN WHO DUMPS YOUR RICE????????

Jeff:  It's the ODDEST TRIBE EVER. 

Survivor: Prelude to Finale Day!

Happy snowy Survivor Finale day!  Are we all ready???  Got your rice and snacks, a little east indies ice cream, couple of tasty grubs?  I'm gonna keep wearing the same pair of lounge pants (they are NOT PAJAMAS, even if I sleep in them) that I've been wearing for 39 days just to keep in the spirit of it all.

Sooooooo what's it gonna be?  Will Tina or Laura get off Redemption Island??  Will Tyson pull the idol out of his crotch?  Hmmmmm, bet Jeff will love taking that from him.  Will Gervase realize he's really not in control??

 But first, let's discuss last week.  Katie arrives at RI and it's all momma and daughter time.  (Note-not sure if you all saw the news but sadly Tina's son was killed in a car accident I think last week.) Tina says she wouldn't be opposed to letting Katie win.  Katie says, "let's both try hard".  In reality, Tina probably had a better shot at winning that million dollars. 

Back at camp, it's all  BIG FAKE HUGS and WOW, WHAT A GREAT TRIBAL.  Tyson is a little pissed at Gervase.  You never tell the person on the bottom that they're on the bottom.  Monica says she's gonna pull Ciera back in to the alliance. 

Monica is spinning her little head over what to do next.  What if Ciera has the idol?  Should we split the vote???  She's too intense.  Tyson has to tell her to shut up because he has the idol.  She keeps at it.  I can't believe she has lasted this long, except for the fact that she never wears anything other than that bikini bottom.  She's mad that he had the idol and didn't tell anyone.  Tyson and Gervase: Monica isn't great at Survivor but she comes in handy. 

Ciera is all happy with her big move.  She and Hayden plan to find the idol, win the challenge and drive a wedge between Monica and the other 2. 

RI Duel.  It's Tina, Katie and Laura.  Dr. Jeff has to explore Tina's feelings about competing against Katie. Are you capable of giving 100% against your daughter??  LOL Jeff, she'd push her off the island for a chance at another win. 

It's the old make a pole and steal the jail keys challenge.  Tina starts out barking orders at Katie on how to make the pole.  Seriously she would drive me nuts if she were my mom.  Laura, the challenge queen, makes quick work of it and gets out of jail first.  It's down to Katie and Tina, Tina sucks pretty bad but Katie drops one of her keys and can't get it up.  Jeff IS SO GOD DAMNED ANNOYING WITH THE INCESSANT MOTHER-DAUGHTER COMMENTS.  Before she kicks her daughter's ass, Tina asks Katie if she's OK with losing. 

Tina wins and Katie is out.  Tina goes on some bullshit about being adopted and having Katie was the first time she ever had a connection to someone in her life.  How quaint.  Laura gives the clue to Ciera.  Ciera looks like she's hyped out on something. 

Back at camp, Ciera shares the clue with Hayden and they go looking for the idol.  At one point Monica sees them but she just walks away.  WHICH SHOULD HAVE BEEN A CLUE that she knows who has the idol. 

Gervase talks with Monica about who she trusts in the game.  Obviously it's Gervase and Tyson.  "You guys chose me and that means a lot".  Meanwhile, Ceira is plotting working on her. 

Challenge:  It's one of the few times this season with swimming.  Swim to a stand, unwrap a buoy, swim back, untie PUZZLE PIECES and decode an expression Jeff has endlessly repeated all season.  Wanna know? Immunity and room service.  God even the rewards suck this season.  And did I miss the auction??

Ciera sucks at swimming, even worse than Gervase.  These 2 better be glad they weren't on the season where every challenge was a swim out, swim back thing.  She's the last to get her bag o' letters.  AND YET....Ciera wins reward with the catchy phrase "YOU WILL HAVE TO DIG DEEP" or something like that.  Obviously no one else listens to Jeff either.  She obviously chooses Hayden for the food reward.  I think he orders pizza and she orders a hamburger.  It's not even a big deal because THEY ARE ALL SO WELL FED. 

Tyson and the crew are all "meh, it's better that they eat".  Ciera is all in on trying to turn Monica.  She gets her aside and starts telling her about all the MAD CRAP Tyson has been saying about Monica.  You're weak, paranoid, like a puppy on a leash.  Monica-if that were the case why would he draw rocks to save me?  Duh, he took a change because without you he wouldn't have the numbers.  Monica cries.  It hurt me.  I'm now playing my game.  Whatev.

Tribal

Ciera-is there still a division?  Duh Jeff, of course there is. 
Hayden-we're on the bottom but we can still control some of the events. He starts on the Monica is being used thing.
Gervase-this is what people at the bottom always try to do. 
Monica-Ciera told me stuff that Tyson and Gervase were saying about me.  It could be true...
Tyson-meh, Ciera has been saying stuff about Monica the whole time. 
Ciera-Monica should know what has been said about her now instead of sitting with her family at home as a loser hearing it.
Gervase-if you were so concerned, why didn't anyone tell her while it was happening??
Hayden again says Tyson is controlling the game which gets Gervase all upset. 
Ciera-remember, evil, rude things were said about you. 
Monica-I'm gonna dig deep.  I feel good. I like these people, since I've lost weight my implants look even bigger.  A new side of me....blah blah....morality and ethical issues will bite you in the ass at the end.....
Jeff-are Hayden and Ciera showing you a better path to the end?  (In other words, please give me something to make this game not seem like a slam dunk for Tyson). 
Hayden-She's a strong independent woman
Ciera-Your family will be cheering if you make a big move....

Vote.  And as expected Hayden goes to RI.  Wonder if he can beat the women in the final duel.....

Gervace     Meagan     Nancy

Monica      Liz             Tess

Tyson        Chris         John S

Ciera         Leslie         Becky

Redemption Isle

Hayden     Donna/John Kelly
Laura M     Lori             Amy
Tina         Jill                Susan

OUT
Rupert Donna Mary Which means you now have Colton. 

Colton     Alt 1Donna      Alt 1Mary  Which means you now have KAT
Rachel         Cathy V    Kim  Which means you now have John.
Marissa Rachel Joanne
Candice Ron Kevin/Matt
Brad         Elayne         Carolyn
Kat         Alt 2 Donna       Alt 2 Mary
John      Cathy  V and Kim. 
Laura B     Stacy         Jeff/Eileen

Aras         AnnMarie     Stephanie

Vytas         Betty         GailCaleb         Karen         Cindy
Katie         Denise         Ginnie

Survivor Crazy Time

Wow, so since I just realized it's 2 weeks until xmas, I'm thinking the finale must be coming up!  Is it Sunday???  We're getting down but there's still a bunch of people left.  Must  be going to bring someone back from Re-education Island tonight.  That'll throw the whole thing off!

Ok, so first up, isn't this the time when they're all bitching about being hungry??  I have never seen them crying about a lack of rice or food once on this show.  And, frankly, no one is looking really skinny.  Second, if it really is 115 degrees, why are there never any sweaty pits showing???  Anyone?  Anyone?  Bueler?

So, Caleb went to RI last week.  Hayden is all "YO, I HOPE Y'ALL LIKE LOSING TO TYSON".  Y'all are all fighting for second place.  Gervase takes issue with that and claims he's really running the show.  LOL.  I doubt even Gervase' mother believes that. 

Duel time.  Tina, Laura and Caleb all come in.  Caleb won't even look at the remaining players.  " A man's word apparently doesn't mean much in Philly or Utah".  Gervase calls him a sore loser. 

So the RI challenge it the "Jan, watch your bracelet" house of cards challenge.  First to get to 8 foot or highest at the 30 minute mark.  Seriously, Laura kicks ASS on this.  She gets to 8 foot without barely losing any cards.  Jeff is his usually utterly fucking annoying self repeating "You never give up...things could change in a heartbeat.....you never give up....."  GAD, shut the hell up!!!! 

At the 2 minute mark, Caleb was ahead.  Tina was not gettin it done.  AND JUST LIKE JEFF SAID, THINGS CHANGED IN A MINUTE".  Caleb's falls over and Tina just waits the time out.  Tina survives.  And then Jeff just had to go into the whole "how do you stand Colton??  Your relationship is puzzling to me" crap.  Caleb tells him, well they are both men so they have that in common.  Frankly I thought it was rude. 

Laura gives Ciera the clue, and she decides to keep it. 

Back at camp the twit shares it with her "alliance"- Tyson, Gervase, and Monica.  They all go looking for it, and Hayden and Katie follow.  Tyson finds it again, and with dramatic epic music playing, hides it in his crotch.  Because apparently there is a lot of room down there.  Decides not to share it.

So here's the thing that always bothers me.  You see one person quit looking for an idol and then what, you all just also figure "oh well, it's too hard"???  WTF???  I'd still be out there looking. 

Hayden knows he's toast, so he tries to work Gervase on the second place angle.  Gervase either pretends to listen or is kinda interested.  He tells Hay that he needs a 100% plan with Ciera in.

Challenge.  It's an obstacle course with a balance a ball thing, followed by the bean bag toss.  Wanna know?  Immunity and an ice cream truck. 

Monica, as expected, has vast pole experience.  She just kicks ass on the balance and the obstacle course.  Gets to the bean bags in front.  Gervase is right behind, and he kicks the bean bags.  Tyson shows up and tries but Hay and Katie are in the weeds. 

Gervase wins immunity.  He choses Monica and Tyson to join him.  Hayden thinks he can work Ciera on the see??  You;re 4th angle.  She has no intention of working with him but he keeps pointing out nobody ever wins without making the big move. 

He keeps working Gervase and Ciera and finally tells Tyson that they aren't willing to go against him.  Hayden decides to blow up tribal.

Tribal

Hayden is on fire.  It's a 4-2 split and everyone is controlled by Tyson.
Ciera insists she is not in fact controlled by Tyson.  She's comfortable about not being chosen for food. 
Gervase keeps stepping in it calling they 1,2,3,4 and Ciera is always 4.  He says, "that's because those 2 were  my original alliance". 
Hayden keeps telling then this is their chance.  He wispers "Monica" to Katie and Ciera. 

Katie makes some inane comment about not being involved in the "political whatever", which totally pisses Jeff off because THAT'S THE WHOLE GAME AND THE WHOLE REASON I GET PAID MONEY TO HOST THIS SHOW.

Monica keeps telling Ciera that 4 is better than 6, again telling her she's 4.  Hayden:  See??? You;re #4.  You could be $3 with us. 
Gervase says she should stay with them because "at least we're honest".  This gets a big laugh from the crowd.  Again, Gervase says it's 1,2,3,4 and points to Ciera as #4.  If it's 3-3 it forces the rocks to be drawn.  (when did they give up the fire challenge to break a tie?????)

Hayden says if Ciera isn't 4, Monica is.  He's trying to "rustle feathers".  Tyson takes time out to correct him that the correct word is "ruffle.  Russell is a mans name".  "It's rustle, not Russell".  LOL!! Kind of an inane interlude. 

Time to vote. Tyson tells Ciera to stick with him and Monica.

 Hayden 3, Monica 3. 

Revote: Hayden 2, Monica 2.  Deadlocked.  Per the rules of Survivor 2.7 edition, Katie, Ciera, Tyson, Gervase must come to a unanimous decision or draw rocks (not Gervase). 

Ciera: Don't bullshit me.  I'm #4, I'm doing rocks. 
And just like that, they're doing rocks.  Which is a stupid move for Tyson with an idol in his crotch. 

And.....Katie is out.  Tyson "I didn't think you had the balls to do it".

It's GAME ON.  God I hope Laura comes back and shakes it all up again!!!

 

Survivor Update: The Jeff Therapist is IN

Is anyone else looking forward to season 42 when Tina crawls once again out of her box of sawdust and plays against her grandchildren?? 

So yea, last week's update was canceled due to Thanksgiving.  Right about now last week I was in my pajamas screaming "I fucking hate this holiday" to my scared as hell husband.  My notes say "Big Ciera drama" and Laura went to redemption again.  Oh right, they made a big deal that Ciera voted her mom off.  LOL.

Ok, so now everyone's all ooooh Ciera is showing her loyalty... except Tyson now things she appears to be "playing the game" and dangerous.  Laura shows up at redemption and Tina is expecting it to be Katie.  Question: how far away from the tribe do you think the fake redemption island set is?  Like, how far do they have to walk from tribal to redemption?  Or is there a car that takes them?  It seemed to me Tina and Vytas were aware someone was coming.  I want to know if this is really spread out or if the "sets" are really right next to each other.  And, is this public land??  Or are they renting someone's farm/beach??  They'd have to be renting someone's fancy land to have access to that much space, with a production crew, etc.  Just wondering.....

Oh, so the show.  On Redemption, everyone's all "why can't they see Tyson is in charge and vote him off??" 

Duel time.  Vytas, Laura and Tina.  They have to roll cubes down a mesh tunnel thing, and then solve a puzzle with the cubes.  Tina sucks at getting the cubes out and falls behind.  Laura wins, and then tells Tina how to do the puzzle, thereby getting rid of Vytas.  This is followed by about 10 freaking minutes of Dr. Jeff going on and on about the Vytas-Aras relationship and it's SUCH PSYCHOBABBLE BULLSHIT I have to leave the room and get a drink of something strong.  Laura gives the clue to Ciera who burns it. 

Is it me or does Ciera look like a ferret? 

Tyson is determined to get rid of Katie, because he thinks she now has 3 jury votes.  I guess he's counting the people on RI. 

Hayden and Caleb, the southern braintrust, are waiting for their time to strike.  "You don't want to wait too long to get blindsided".  They decide to take out Tyson.  They tell Katie their plans and she's obviously all for it.  They then tell Ciera who listens and plays along and then runs straight to Tyson.

Ciera is upset that Hayden and Caleb are going all rogue and "it's too sketchy" for me.  She talks to Tyson, tells him she doesn't trust them and basically tells him she's totally with him.  Tyson tells Gervase, who I cannot believe is still in this game.  They're all "what happened to our 4 man alliance"?? 

Next morning, Ciera is all ridiculously obvious.  She asks Tyson to go with her to get tree mail, and won't look Caleb or Hayden in the eye.  They're like, "hmmmmmm, this is weird."  Ceira, in addition to looking like a ferret has a lazy eye, amiright?? 

Hayden has a stroke of genius.  WHAT IF CIERA TELLS TYSON??? Hayden and Katie are now nervous and need a plan B. 

Challenge.  Come on in, guys.  They have to hold a bucket with 25% of their body weight in it.  But, there's a twist.....who wants to sit it out and eat?  Tyson, Gervase AND CIERA sit out and are obnoxious about eating.  Seriously, how many seasons do people have to watch before you realize you NEVER SIT IT OUT AND EAT???  I mean these 3 are being so awful.  Ciera, why not just hold up a sign saying, "I'M WITH TYSON"? 

Monica wins her 3rd immunity challenge.  Jeff is all into the psychology of why some people chose to eat, asking why they feel so secure.  Back at camp, all Tyson can do is discuss the food.  Katie thinks those 3 eating was telling.  YA THINK??? 

Plan B is to flat out ask Tyson if he's splitting with their alliance.  Tyson: "you were after ME".  They try to convince him that Ciera is wicked and is playing both sides.  Tyson doesn't trust them. 

Gervase is all, "yo, what are we doing??" 

Tribal.

Eating shows no harmony and too much confidence.  I think Jeff said that.  Anyway, he's ramped up about that again.  Hayden-my hands were totally bleeding and I held on.  I'm jealous that they feel so good today.

Caleb says he wasn't shocked about Ciera because she feels comfortable.  Ciera says, "if I don't think I can win I might as well eat". Tyson was surprised more people didn't eat. 

Now Jeff is all about TRUST.  Gervase goes on about trust looking at Hayden.  Jeff points it out to Ciera and asks her if she would be surprised if it was her.  Yes, Jeff I would. 

Vote.  Tyson plays the idol to the shock of everyone.  Caleb ends up voted off.  And Jeff is still talking about trust and blah blahblah. 

Survivor Update: How many alliances?

Yo Yo Yo!!!  Where ya all been?  I've been sending out updates for the past 3 weeks without any comments.  (hahaha).  Ok, that's a lie.  But I'm up off my ASS and just rewatched last week's episode. 

But first!  Looks like Kat bit it at her first threesome, and then Laura B went to redemption as the switch tribe of all women chose her over Vytas.  Supposedly they are all bonded for life now.  As are the men and Ciera. 

Laura B arrives at redemption and is all PISSED and think the women made a terrible mistake.  "It's ridiculous, ridiculous, it's ridiculous, ridiculous".  Apparently she thinks the vote was ridiculous. 

So, the women and Vytas talk about what happens when the teams merge.  Vytas-"I can bring Aras and Gervase into the merge with us", that would make 6.  For some reason, they tell Monica she's above Gervase but still #5.  Which pisses her off totally. 

Threesome time.  The winner re-enters the game.  Jeff goes on to explain what "winner takes all" means for about 10 minutes.  It's totally annoying. 

And hey. BTW, how come these contestants are all wearing CLEAN CLOTHES?? 

Ok.  The threeway is the big pole hug.  Who has the strongest thighs.  I'm thinking we can leave Laura B out of this one.  Ciera isn't sure she wants her mother back but LM is all "I proooomised Ciera I'd make it back". 

John is out first followed my Laura B whose heavy ASS dragged her down the pole.  Just the way Rupert likes it.  LOL. 

Tribes are now merged.  Laura M burns the clue.  And they get food. 

And, now, it gets so freaking confusing that I had to rewatch it twice.  There are apparently 3 alliances floating out there.  The original celebs and their loved ones, the switched tribes and then there's a new alliance of those with loved ones and those without. 

Aras and Vytas talk and agree that their alliance is Tina, Katie, Monica, Gervase, Tyson.  Vytas isn't sure about Tyson but Aras is all for including him.  Aras wants Laura M gone first.  Vytas is pretty sure he and Aras are already the final 2.  Monica beats Tyson's ear about her being #5 and Tyson keeps telling her it's gonna be Aras.  He also says he's like to dig his eye balls out with a rusty spoon in order to get to his brain. 

Challenge: it's a memory test. Bottom line, it comes down to Vytas and Aras and Vytas wins immunity. 

So... Aras decides that the boys will all vote for Laura and the girls will all vote for Ciera.  Not sure how or why that would be acceptable since it goes across the alliances. 

Laura and Ciera talk.  They wonder if Aras has the idol.  Laura is a total spaz.  Wants to split the vote between Aras and Tina.  I'm not even sure what alliance they think they are in. 

Tyson wants to get rid of Aras.  He considers his alliance to be him, Caleb, Gervase, Monica, Hayden, Ciera and Laura. 

Did I mention Tyson found the idol? 

Tribal

Tyson agrees that there are 3 potential alliances.
 The original tribes (Aras, Gervase, Laura, Monica, Tina, Tyson vs Vytas, Caleb, Hayden, Ciera, Katie),
the switch tribes (Aras, Gervase, Tyson, Caleb, Hayden, Katie vs Laura, Monica, Tina, Katie and Vytas)
OR the blood tribes (Aras/Vytas, Laura/Ciera, Tina/Katie vs Gervase, Monica, Tyson, Caleb, and Hayden)

Hayden agrees that there is a pairs vs individuals possible alliance but that with Laura back in, most of the combos make Laura and Ciera a swing pair.  He also points out that any of the bloods could swing. 

Is Laura a target as the person who spent time on redemption usually is?  Laura says she has a bond with her daughter who gives her advice.  Ciera admits she has to talk her mother down off the ledge. 

Gervase insists the "smart people" who are paying attention will still be around tomorrow. 

And, it's time to vote.  There are 2 votes Laura and 2 votes Ciera.....and Aras is blindsided.  Crap.  There's still gonna be redemption island!