Survivor: San Juan Del Sur

So, my husband declared this to be a boring season about 15 minutes in.  Let's hope he's wrong!  Is it me or did Jeff get "play in the helicopter" written into his new contract?  I especially loved the final fly away with him standing outside the helicopter and supposedly just holding on to the little strap inside.  LOL! And if you believe he's not also harnessed in and wearing a pair of depends I have a bridge to sell you.  

Nine pair of AMERICANS!!!  Because we ain't gonna let no damn illegals on our AMERICAN show filmed outside of AMERICA. Each team gets FLINT.  WTF?????  And then we get to meet those 9 teams, representing EVERY stereotype typical of every one of these shows.  

First up, the quintessential soon to be 1%ers, beautifully put together and dressed Jon and Jacqueline.  He the football star. she the former beauty queen.  I did not know Talbots and Brooks Brothers make a line of Survivor appropriate clothing!  "Hmmm, honey, what should I wear to sleep in the dirt for 39 days?  How about my white silk ruffle shirt?  I'll top it with a nice linen blazer and a scarf is always a nice accessory.  You do think we get to accessorize, right?"

Next up, it's baseball bad guy John Rocker and his "long term girlfriend".  AKA a dumb blonde with big boobs hanging around a washed up, kinda fat, former someone.  Who also may or may not be a biggot.  Her name is Julie BTW.  

And, monkeys!  Lots of monkeys!  In trees!!  We have the religious right's favorite team to bash, the thrice divorced mom and her daughter, who has been traumatized by all of those divorces.  Missy and Baylor.  Hey. at least their trying to make some money instead if looking for gubermint assistance.  

We have the required Bro's, Jesus Hair boys Drew and Alec.  We're led to believe they have a lot of sibling rivalry and unresolved issues for Dr. Jeff to fix.  I don't care, they're easy on the eyes.

Dad and daughter, Dale and Kelly.  He's a farmer from Ephrata I believe, given his shirt.  I heard someone say "he could be as old as 55!"  

And of course, no reality show is legal without a pair of genuine NEW YORK LIBERAL GAYS ON BROADWAY!  Josh and Reed.  And let's give them a pair of Jazz hands for sharing their Valentine day flint gifts and a little episode of hugging from behind!  

Next up, a pair of married blue collar workers, Fireman Jeremy and Policewoman Val!  They also get a check for the "African American" element requirement.  

The twinnies,  Former reality show "stars".    They are recycled here because very few people of Indian decent end up on reality shows.  Mainly because they are in laboratories, and sitting around doing math and science all day.  

And, finally, let's throw a pair of total rednecks out there!  Father and son firefighters Keith and Wes who are so alarmed by fire that they intentionally lose their flint striker.  I am trying to figure out what genetic mutation Wes has that makes him look something like a cabbage kid grown up in poverty or one of those kids on the 70s bubblegum cards mocking advertisements.  He's like a rednecked hobbit.  

And so after one final night of passion in the sand, it's on to DAY 1.  Everyone come on into the set and let's meet.  He asks the Broadway dancers if they made fire.  "Jeff, if you're going to be on Survivor, you had better practice making fire..."   FINALLY SOMEONE SAID IT!!!!!  Keith admits that 'we done lost our striiiiiiker".  And with that the loved ones are divided up into 2 tribes and it's on to the first reward challenge.  

It's a wooden cube with ropes that have to be untangles and then used to haul wooden platforms in. They do rock, paper scissors WHICH I NEVER UNDERSTAND.  Anyway, Jeremy volunteers to do the challenge and we get THE FIRST TWIST OF THE GAME.  He has to go up against his loved one Val, and if he wins he SENDS HER TO EXILE ISLAND.  Winner also gets fire and beans and a DVD of Blazing Saddles.  Jeff is off on one of his blah blah blah thing about blood vs water and the inherent challenges of having to compete against your loved one.  Like most married couples don't already play this little game every day called "who is going to break down first and offer to make dinner".  

It's not even close and Jeremy wins.  AND MORE TWISTS AND DRAMA!  He has to pick someone from his tribe to go to Exile WITH her.  He chooses Keith because "he knows how to make fire" even though we know they lost their firemaking stuff within 5 minutes.  I blame the monkeys though.  Keith gits all emotional and stuff for the couple.  

Back at their camp they have a whole box of stuff including what looks like matching blue canteens.  Jeremy has his one on one camera time to again get all emotional about sending his wife to Exile.  He then gets up and starts working all of the women on the tribe presumably for alliances although his "everyone wants to date the prom king" makes me wonder....

The loser tribe, which I think is orange and called Coyopa are comparing ages.  There's a young group, a middle group and then that old geezer of 55.  He's a farmer and not used to being around people and is worried about his social game.  So he takes a little walk to the watering hole and finds "a little emblem thingy".  Is it an idol??  The tribe is trying to make fire and is split between Dale and basically everyone else.  Everyone else is using the "rub it until it gets hot and glows" technique, whereas Dale uses his reading glasses, eventually breaking them in 2, to get fire started.  One of the ditzy girls says "wow, I didn't know you could start a fire with glasses!"  Uhuh.  Ever watch this show before. honey??  Dale is now a bad ass.  

Exile Island is apparently "pretty desolate" and why you should never rent a beach place in Nicaragua on the internet without seeing the 360 degree photos.  They have to chose an urn and I'm like OMFG THEY ARE GOING TO CREMATE THEM???"  But, no, one has an idol clue and the other has nothing.  Val gets the clue and just says "it's just stuff about my tribe" and Keith buys it even though, HOW WOULD THEY KNOW SHE WOULD GET THAT URN???  Do they not get the teevee in his trailer park???  They bond a little about how he and her husband are firefighters.  

On the blue tribe, named Hunahpu. Jesus hair Drew, who yes yes has worked as a male model, is getting the shelter done.  Which annoys John Rockers LONG TERM GF for some reason.  She thinks he's arrogant.  

Wes figures out who John Rocker is and he tries to get him to confess.  While walking around carrying a huge pile of branches beside JR in REALLY BAD LOOKING OUT OF THE GATE JOCKEY UNDERWEAR, who is of course carrying nothing.  He asks him if his last name has 5 letters.  Um, NO.  Oh right, 6 letters then.  

About 10 minutes after building the shelter Josh's eye starts swelling up and looking like a nasty epidemic of  pink eye is about to take over Nicaragua but, instead, he remembers reading about some jungle plant that makes people allergic.  OH NO, it's the sap from the plant they used as a roof.  So they have to remove it and replace it.  Apparently that works for his eye.  

Monkey shot.  Jon has already torn the sleeves off his blue oxford Brooks Brothers shirt. Either that or $250 doesn't buy a quality item anymore.  He left his dying father back home to do the show.  Hopefully that won't effect the will.  

Immunity Challenge.  

Val and Keith return.  Jeff: "Hopefully you can find a spot in your tribe since everyone has already paired up".  

It's an obstacle thing.  Crawl under stuff, then there are 3 levels of walls to climb, after you untie 3 bags of stuff.  The first leg of it you need to climb a rope up the incline (I'd still be there), second uses pegs and finally you have to use each other.  And then......PUZZLE TIME!!

Orange gets out to a lead.  And then lots of shots of I think Julie's almost released from the buff tits.  Orange gets to the  puzzle first but Blue gets 'er done first.  Jeff asks Natalie "what does it feel like to know your sister might be in trouble?"  Blah blah blah.  Jeremy tells Wes he owes him for taking care of his wife and he'll help him get back into the tribe.  Apparently that tribe isn't a bunch of age discriminators.  

On Orange, Val goes right to the watering hole looking for the idol.  Right about where Dale found that little thang.  

Nadiya is going on and on about Amazing Race.  Dale knows how she played on AR and tells people "she was a backstabber then and will be again".  He talks the guys into voting her out.  Nadya talks to Josh.  Tells him "I was already counting you as one of the girls",  which apparently gay men do not like to hear.  

Val wants a girl alliance.  They want to take Dale out and Nadiya tells them "Josh is totally on board".  Meanwhile, Baylor seeks out Josh because she "wants to vote how he votes".  I have no idea where that came from but Josh realizes he's in the middle.  

Tribal.  Yea, yea, fire = life bullshit again.  

JR says it's been a fast 3 days and things move quick.  There isn't one obvious choice.  

Nadiya: We're all getting along now so it's a big decision. I'm looking at attitudes and physical attributes (she clearly does not own a full length mirror) and I want people who are positive and want to keep going.

Josh: Yes, a positive tribe is a good thing.

Nadiya: Thank you for asking me AGAIN about Amazing Race, Jeff.  It's so different because there are no directions and none of my "primal needs" are being met.  

VAL says that Exile was stressful, and she didn't get to know many people.  But Exile does provide a time to explore and FIND THINGS.....

Dale: Is it hard to be OLD?  I just had to prove my worth which I did using my old man bifocals to make fire.  It was a huge thing that I did making fire.  Huge I tell ya.  

Wes says that Josh is well liked.  And he sings show tunes to drive the monkeys away.

Nadiya, Yes, I agree.  Josh is able to go between the boys and girls......

Josh: I am a question vote!

Time to vote while we listen to monkeys have sex.  Jeff just looks like, "it wasn't me this time".

Anyone have an idol??  Val hems and haws but nope.  

And in the end, Nadiya is yet again first off of a reality show.  

"The tribe is still finding itself".  Namaste, Jeff.

Survivor LLama Talk!

Hello and welcome to the finale day update.  CAN TONY BE STOPPED???  Will Woo finally realize HE'S ON SURVIVOR??  Will Kass become even more hate-able??  And could Spencer actually pull this one out?  IT'S ALL DOWN TO 2 HOURS TONIGHT.  Lots of internet rumors of a final 2 instead of a final 3.  

Last week after Woo and Kass changed their minds at the last minute and sent Tasha home, Spencer was all 'why bother with the charade??"  Tony tells him they were just toying with him but that they are all still loyal to him. Kass is thinking she should go with Tony to the finale.  Woo isn't even thinking.  Spencer thinks that no one knows how to play the game.  

Tony talks to Woo and says he believes that Kass can't get any jury votes.  Woo just thinks it would be "fun" to sit next to his buddy Tony at the final vote.  Because that is the whole point of Survivor.  Getting to spend quality time with your big smelly friend.  Tony admits that Woo is genuine and a threat.  "It's gonna be a shame to blindside him".  

Mud Challenge for Pizza Delivery.  So, are we going to go a whole season without the family visits??  Load yourself up with mud, and dump it in a bucket.  Gee, how ironic that the fat boy with much more surface area wins this one.  Tony gets to pick someone to join him and he picks starving Trish.  

Kass is annoyed at this.  It shows that Tony is the alpha male and Trish is the alpha female.  "No one should have that much power in the game".  Spencer thinks everyone is handing Tony the game.  

Tony inhales his pizza.  Trish thinks he's gonna puke it up, he's eating so fast.  Nooooo Tooooooony, slooooooow down, you're grooooooooss.  I have a feeling Tony would be like an animal and barf it all up just to eat it all over again.  He tells Trish that he does have a special power idol and that he can use it at final 4, which is a lie,  

Once back and full of dough, Tony confronts Kass.  "Woo told me you were conspiring against me".  He says he pledged on his wife and baby that she was gonna go final 3.  Kass says, Chaos Kass is back.  Hey, Kass, you're the only one who thinks this is amusing.  

Kass tells Woo that Tony told her that Woo spilled the beans about the potential of getting rid of Tony.  Woo says no, and Kass takes that back to Tony.  WHY ARE YOU INVESTIGATING??? You sealed your fate!!!  Kass tells the group that Tony swore final 3 to her.  

AND TONY DOES LLAMA TALK.  WTF was that all about??  Tony thinks Kass is an insult to the game.  She tells Tony that what she did was strategic, and that now one of your people doesn't trust you.  She tells Woo that he needed to know what Tony was saying.  She now wants to pull in Woo and Spencer and ruin Tony's game.  

Woo finally thinks, "Why would Tony take me to the final 3 when I have a better reputation with the jury?"  Spencer tells him that if he goes, then basically Tony and Trish are in the drivers seat to decide.  Woo's like, 'OMG, I never thought of that!!!"  

Trish, however, overheard the whole conversation.  

Immunity Challenge.  COME ON IN GUYS!  Today Immunity is UP FOR GRABS.  Untangle a braid for a key, put up ladder rungs, lay down planks and then solve the trademarked Survivor slide Puzzle.  (pat pending).  

Trish totally sucks at all challenges.  Did I ever mention that?  So, yea, she's still trying to figure out how to cross the starting line.  Tony kicks ass through the challenge and gets to the puzzle first.  And then just starts flailing the pieces around.  Remind me again, he's from the Brawn tribe?  I guess being a cop in Jersey City, you don't get to do a lot of slide puzzles.  Spencer comes from behind and kills the puzzle in Brain fashion.  He wins immunity again!  Wow, he should TOTALLY WIN THIS SEASON.  LOL!  

So back at camp Trish confronts Kass. DO YOU THINK I'M DEAF OR STUPID??? God, I totally love when people ask those open ended questions about their stupidity.  She keeps yelling at Kass I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOUR VICTIM STUFF.  I WILL PULL YOU APART IN 30 SECONDS, YOU AND YOUR BIG UGLY FACE ARE NOT WINNING!!!!!!!!!  

In one of the most hilarious responses, Kass calls her SKELETOR and a vicious, cruel human.  

Tony suggests he and Trish take a walk..... He walks away with Trish and Woo.  Kass and Spencer tell each other "we need Woo".  

Tony asks them both if they have any questions, in that fatherly tone of voice that means THERE BETTER NOT BE ANY QUESTIONS TONIGHT.  Woo asks him if he really did swear on his kid and his wife to Kass.  Tony admits he did but I'm now swearing to you on my mother, AND MY DEAD DAD that Kass is gone.  Any bets that his father is still alive?? 

Woo realizes he can't trust Tony.  He also realizes this is a reality show, and that he's Asian and frankly, unnaturally NOT wickedly smart.  SHOULD I MAKE A BIG MOVE??? OR WAIT A COUPLE MORE WEEKS???

 Woo comes back, kneels by Kass and tells her "I'm voting for Trish".  Kass and Spencer are skeptical.  WHY???  Woo says it's for his long term strategy.  He does know it's like day 33, right??  Spencer tells him that since Trish and Tony are inseparable,  They can't both get to the final 4 while Trish is still there.  

Tribal-Sarah has completely gained every ounce she lost.  

Tony-so one of your 4 is going tonight?  Yes, Jeff the Challenge Beast won again.

Kass-Trish came at me like a blue eyed skeletal banshee today

Trish says something about "capacity for hatred".  Says Kass always is the victim.  If you are going to pit people against each other, don't sit back and claim innocence.  She basically fights with everyone.  

Spencer-yes, Jeff, it's all good for me.  This process was going to happen but immunity sped it up

Woo-it has made hidden animosity evident.  Now, it's back to a 3 brawn, 2 brain alliance.  Spencer and Kass are aligned.

Kass-I didn't predict the psycho bitch was gonna emerge but Tony was caught telling both me and Woo we were final 3

Tony-She's delusional.  She's a strategist and she's sealed her own fate.  Kass shows no emotion on her face ever. 

Kass tells Tony he's an ass

Tony talks llama talk again.

Jeff is just amused.

Spencer-it's funny but in that One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest funny.  

Woo-it's like Tony is Dad, Trish is Mom, Spencer and Kass are their kids and I'm the foreign exchange student. (Say it with me people-"no more yankee my wankee, the Donger is tired")

Tony-it's game play tonight and I brought my bag of tricks.  Puts his idols both on.  

Spencer-that does complicate things!

Time to vote.  Any idols?  Tony plays it.  Trish is votes out (and Tony voted for her as well).  She tells them "good luck" and Kass shoots her the finger while the jury watches. Tasha and Jefra share a look about Kass.....

Survivor Update: Hmmm, maybe they were the smart people...

So, let me just apologize for not commenting yet this season on HOW MUCH TONY LOOKS LIKE A FRIGGIN MONKEY FACE.  Seriously, are you sitting there every Wednesday discussing amongst yourselves how I could be over looking this?  HOLY SHIT.  I just looked at the TV and said, HE'S A MONKEY FACE. 

Ok, last week Jefra stayed with her alliance and male model Jeremiah was sent packing.  Spencer used his idol to protect himself instead of giving it to Jeremiah, and Kass has to rub it in his face. She is kind of a bitch.  Says of course he wouldn't give it up he's the most selfish of the species, a college age boy.  Hmmmm, me thinks someone didn't get invited to the Senior Dance in college! 

It's Survivor Auction day.  And, it's also time for me to rant.  The trouble with this show is it has become predictable.  Everyone knows there is going to be an 'advantage" for sale.  This time, it meant the food was a buyers market with Tony, Tasha and Spencer sitting out bidding and waiting for the advantage.  Tony is such a (monkeyfaced) paranoid bastard that even with the special GAME RUINING idol he still can't handle the thought of someone else getting a slight edge.  Trish, on the other hand, is either feeling really safe or is totally clueless as to strategy.  She is HUNGRY.  She buys the first item-popcorn, candy and soda- for $80.  OMG, IT'S A GUMMY BEAR!!!  My prediction is at the after show she is  going to weigh about 220.  That girl is going to come off the island like a hoover vacuum cleaner. 

Jefra buys the next mystery package and gets quesadillas, quac and a margarita for $100.  For $20 Kass gets the choice of 2 covered trays,  The one she takes has a steak sandwich and ice tea.  At this point Trish is all "why aren't you people eating???"  "Cheapo Deapo's".  Trish buys the tray Kass gave up for $60 and gets rice and water.  LOL.  Ribs and beer go for $40 to Woo who describes them in their entirety. 

Jeff asks Tony, Spencer and Tasha what they are waiting for.  They want an advantage,  Jeff.  Ok, so lets got to it.  Tony yells out $500.  Nope.  If it reaches the maximum, then anyone who has the money and wants in can pay $500 for a chance to draw rocks.  Tony and Spencer are in but FOR WHATEVER REASON, Tasha doesn't.  Idiot.  It would have increased the odds that she and Spencer would have gotten it.  Big surprise, Tony gets the advantage and the auction is ended.

Dear Mark Burnett/Jeff Probst.  PLEASE STOP SELLING AN ADVANTAGE AS AN ADVANTAGE.  If you want to include an advantage in the auction, might I suggest you mention that one of the items up for sale might include an additional advantage?  That way, more people would bid the food stuff up.  Either that or totally skip the advantage next time around and totally screw people over who wait for it and get neither an advantage or food. 

Spencer is miserable and Kass is loving it.  Tony is pissed off that people bought food and ate.  He's also annoyed by the girls sitting around discussing what they ate.  So he wonders off, reads the advantage and yawn, it's a clue to the immunity idol. 

The girls are in the water rinsing out their cooches, and Tasha makes sure Tony sees her right in the mix.  She wants to make him paranoid.  Tony doesn't disappoint.  He sees them all talking and starts wigging out, complaining to Spencer about it.  Spencer, who really is playing a great game, asks Tony if he's worried?  He proceeds to tell him how Jefra wanted to blindside him, and how she was saying she could get Trish to flip as well.  Spencer knows Tony is crazy and could easily be pushed. 

A little later on, the girls and Spencer are in the water and Tony is pissed off.  There's a dying crab and Jefra tells him to hurry up and cook it so it doesn't go bad.  He's mumbles to his ever present sidekick Woo "get your ass up here and cook!" 

A little later, and for whatever reason it is accompanied by the "suspenseful music", Tony finds another idol.  He runs around showing it to his alliance, supposedly because it's for "all of us", but mainly so they don't try to flip and blindside him. 

Challenge:  Race to dig up 5 bags, each one with a ball in it to be used in a table maze.  Kass and Trish are totally lost digging for balls (life imitates art, once again...) and as Jeff says "Tony goes crazy and knocks his balls all over the place".  It's a race between Woo and Tasha, with Tasha once again winning immunity! 

Tasha is still working Tony with her chattering to the woman.  Tony counts and figures out there are 4 women and 3 men.  One of his alliances is an all male one, since he thinks there might be the beginnings of an all female alliance.  He tells Spencer's theory and that he wants Jefra to go.  He talks to Woo, who is like, cool dude.  Tony wants Spencer to get Tasha in on it, and of course she's fine.  He chooses not to tell Trish or Kass the plan. 

Spencer doesn't totally trust Tony, so he goes searching for the idol, which makes Tonymonkeyface mad.  He tells Woo "there's going to be chaos tonight!" 

Tribal
Spencer-yes, Jeff, one would think I was in trouble tonight.
Tony-IT'S CHAOTIC OUT THERE!! Spencer tried to make me think Jefra was against me.  He pulls out his idol and puts it on.  "I'm not going anywhere tonight"
Jefra-I was upset about LJ
Trish-she was upset that you didn't TELL her about LJ
Tony-you don't advertise a blindside dumbass.  All they have left is a belief in our alliance.
Spencer-chaos is great!  If I can mix things up it only helps me.
Kass-someone could very well make a mistake tonight.
Spencer-I've played well and hard but I'm not ready to go.  There are windows of opportunity that open and close fast.  Not making a move when the opportunity arises is why most people lost the game.

Jeff: sniff sniff, you said that way better than I ever did and I've had like 20 seasons of trying.  Let's vote.

It's 3 votes for Spencer and 4 votes for Jefra!  Another blindside!! 

Survivor: Spy Shack Edition

Good afternoon and welcome to today's VERY RAINY update.  I am putting off my rainy day nap to get this out to y'all so I better get a "wow was that freaking awesome". 

The question has to be asked.  Can Tony be stopped?  I'm not sure anyone is even trying.  In an interview LJ said it was almost impossible to play against someone as irrational as Tony.  I totally get that.  And I just want to scream: THIS MAN CARRIES A GUN TO HIS DAY JOB?????  Trish seems at least to be able to manage him, but I think we're starting to get to the point that taking him to the finale because you think he's so hated isn't a good idea. 

Ok, the update.  Last tribal, Woo and Tony flipped to get out LJ,  Jethra (or is it Jefra?  I don't think I've ever typed her name this whole season) is mad.  Why didn't you tell us?  Tony gives her some song and dance about "You and Trish wouldn't have gone along and it would have gotten nasty".  Was it a 1 vote alliance?  Yes.  Kass and Jefra realize that they're really the bottom of the 6 alliance. 

Spencer totally wants to make a move against Tony.  Tony realizes he's probably in trouble, so in typical MANIC, FAST TALKING Tony mode, he thinks "what I need is a cloak of invisibility.....so let me make up a SPY SHACK. "  It's more like a spy bush near the water well, where he sits and listens to conversations.  I'm guessing no one notices that there is a camera trained on a freaking bush. 

And just like that, Jefra and Trish walk up and talk about the alliance.  Trish convinces Jefra that there is still an alliance.  She thinks Tony is an award winning actor (Tony only hears the award winning part...) She's OK with LJ going but not with the fact that Tony lied to her face.  Helllloooooooo!!!!!!!!!  Where has this twit been all season??? 

And, just like that Tony doesn't trust Jefra. 

Challenge:  2 teams row out and collect paddles with letters on them, and then they solve a word puzzle.  Hey, is one of the words LAME?? Wanna know what you're playing for?  A trip to Crystal Cave (I still have my pencil from the 3rd grade trip) and a BBQ lunch.  Wow!  BBQ!  Chicken, ribs and potato salad!  Authentic native food again!  Seriously, why not just start holding Survivor in the swamps of Louisiana?  I mean, they don't even TRY to pretend with the Rent-a-Native services anymore. 

So, yea it's a lame challenge.  I don't even watch the challenges anymore.  It comes down to the letters.  Tony is of course watching what the other side is doing (HELLO, PROBST, HOW ABOUT A FRIGGIN SCREEN ON THESE PUZZLE CHALLENGES??)  It's Woo and Kass working against Tasha and Spencer.  It's "worth playing for", and Tasha, Spencer, Jeremiah and Jefra win the challenge.  Tony and the others are freaked out about Jefra, who is already not trustable, spending time with these 3.  Kass says, Meh, I'm  OK with just a 5 person alliance, basically because that bumps her up one. 

Everyone's sitting down and Trish is out getting water and stuff.  "Oh, are we strategizing??  I just found limes and papayas that the producers wired to trees".  Tony is annoyed that she isn't that worried about Jefra.  Trish takes Woo with her to get the fruit and Tony goes off to find the special idol.  And in one of the WORST promo'd pieces ever, we see Woo FALL OUT OF A TREE!  And I SWEAR to GOD the promo had him falling out MUCH HIGHER THAN HE REALLY DID.  So, he falls and it's like OMG IS THIS A GAME CHANGER???? Nope.  Just fell on his ass. 

Ok.  I'm Ok.  The caves are EPIC.  And the food is FABULOUS!  Jefra, how many riblets do you want?  "I'll have 2...don't want to get too full".  They're working on her.  She's "confused because I wasn't told about LJ"  She thinks Tony has to go.  The native guide in the native dress- black pants and an izod shirt,  returns.  I mean c'mon, you can't even throw me a headdress make of bones or something??  A POLO shirt????  FFS.  He hands then the added bonus.  LETTERS FROM HOME!  It's a cry fest.  Jefra's mom has really neat handwriting, although she didn't ever learn cursive writing apparently.  She tells Jefra "don't let your kind heart be your downfall.  Don't be afraid to lie..."  OOOOOH, WILL THIS BE A GAME CHANGER????  She thinks it's a sign from the producer Gods that she should jump ship.  She shakes everyone's hand and they proclaim WE'RE FINAL 4!!

Immunity is up for GRABS Challenge.

Stand on a beam, balance a ball on a pedestal, and with time more down the beam.  The challenge starts and wow, WHAT A FRICKEN COINCIDENCE, ANOTHER BIG WIND COMES UP.  Jeff says, "A lot of balls are moving".  Talkin' about your swinging set big man?  First round it's Jefra, Trish, Tony and Kass out.  Second round, Jeremiah.  It comes down to Woo, Tasha and Spencer.  Tasha wins immunity once again. 

Jefra talks to Trish.  I'm totally not feeling safe.  Kass joins in. Jefra says "I'm over his lies, he's on my nerves" .
Jefra tells her " Nobody likes him, that's why we're keeping him.  To go up against him in the end". And just like that, Tony finds the fucking special idol.  And, frankly, it's a GAME KILLER.  Seriously, the special powers allows the finder to use immunity AFTER THE VOTES ARE READ.  So there's NO CHANCE of Tony going home as long as he has it. He's SUPER TONY!!  It'll be interesting if he ever uses it because if it were my season, I'd basically walk off and say, THAT IS BULLSHIT.

Tony walks up while they're in the water bitching about him.  Trish tells him "we need to trust you tony".  WHOOOO NEEDS TO TRUST ME???  Trish thinks she's helping him with Jefra by calling him out in front of her.  Kass thinks Spencer has the idol. They discuss this for a bit. 

Jefra apparently ISN'T GONNA CHANGE THE GAME.  She tells Jeremiah, sorry but I'm not voting for you. 

Tasha, Spencer and Jeremiah are hanging out.  Jeremiah decides to make his big confession.  HOLY SHIT HE'S GAY???  Nope.  He's a fashion model.  LMAO.  Didn't see THAT ONE coming, did ya?  In exchange for the big reveal, Spencer tells them he has the idol.  They decide to target Woo. 

Tribal:
Spencer agrees that, yes, Jeff, I'm on the outs.  Now I see how you earn the big bucks. He says Jefra went back to her original alliance. 
Jefra: My options are better with Tony.
Spencer: It's frustrating because Tony keeps breaking promises
Tony: WHEN DID I BREAK ANY PROMISES???
Um, when you got rid of LJ?That wasn't breaking promises.....
Spencer tells them all that if they're on the jury their votes are going to go with Tony because he's the only one making moves.
Trish: We called him out on lying and he said he's going to stop that crap.  SURE TRISH, LIARS ALWAYS SAY THAT!!
Woo says they've been thinking which one has an idol, Jeremiah or Spencer.  He think Spencer is a bigger threat in the game.
Spencer points out that it's a social game and everyone likes Jeremiah. 
Tony says, it's not going to be him tonight because he's brought his bag of tricks.

Vote. 

Any idols?  Tony pulls something out of his bag.  Spencer pulls his out and debates what to do.  GIVE IT TO JEREMIAH YOU DUMB SHIT.  He plays it himself. 
Tony "See Jeff, the inexperienced LAD was about to give his idol to Jeremy (WHO??) because he thought I was going to use mine.  MINE IS A FAKE IDOL. 

Jeremiah is the next person to join the jury.  I am gonna miss that freaking eye candy!

Survivor Update: Flaming Balls of Anxiety

Welcome to this week's Survivor update!  Thank you for letting me skip last week, since you all know I spend Holy Week in church.  All week.  Every day.  8 hours.  In prayer.  For your gambling sins. 

So, now onto the recap.  Ok, so during Holy Week's episode the new alliance with Kass were all 'woohoo we're strong 6'.  Yet everyone scrambled to find the idol.  Spencer found the regular one but not the SPECIAL SUPER POWER one.  God, I hope it doesn't come with xray vision.  At tribal, Tony got 4 votes, and Morgan got 6 making her the next person on the jury. 

Tony says he almost pooped his pants when he saw his name, so he confronts Spencer as to why he was targeted.  Really?  You're that clueless??  He says Morgan wasn't worthy of winning and wants to know why he was a threat??  He rants to Tasha and Spencer, who tell him "we'd have gladly voted for Morgan with you if you had asked".  Tony says, "well I didn't need you then".  He admits that even with 3 sitting ducks it isn't easy. 

LJ and Trish talk about what a freaking whack job Tony is when he's pissed.  He is in scramble mode, which is never good.  Trish correctly diagnoses him with paranoia and OCD. 

Tony is afraid of LJ now.  Says (in one of his MANY MANY close-ups this episode) that LJ is sharp.  I want him to die but I need him to make a mistake.  He talks to LJ and basically corners him to say "if Woo has an idol he has to get blindsided".  That's all Tony needs to run off half cracked to say that LJ has targeted Woo, and to get everyone against LJ. 

Reward Challenge:  It's for a spa trip plus lunch of chicken wraps and egg rolls.  I guess they've totally given respecting the local culture these days.

Tony knows strategizing gets done on this break away trips so he is hell bent to win.  It's a throw a rope through a loop to open a box of sandbags, which have to be thrown/worked down a net tunnel, and then bounced into baskets.  It's a fun challenge and I think I will set it up in my back yard the next time I have a bunch of 4 year olds over. 

Tony is in a group with Spencer and Jeremiah.  Bottom line, they nail it with an easy win. 

At camp, LJ and Trish discuss how crazy Tony is.  LJ tells Trish that Tony is paranoid and wants Woo off.  They both decide they need to "put out Tony's fire".

On the reward, we never actually see if Tony gets a shower but I certainly hope so because even without smell-a-vision he stinks.  Spencer sees a chance to life one more day and he asks Tony if he wants to talk a little strategy.  Jeremiah asks Tony if he's comfortable in the game, and he says no.  He tells them that when the time comes he will approach them.  Spencer asks if that will be before or after they are gone. Spencer and Jeremiah tell Tony they're ready.  "I need you guys to help me stay...I have your back".  Jeremiah says they have no choice but to believe him. 

Tasha admits that it's a 3 vs 6 person game and she's probably done.  She approaches LJ to see if he'd talk to her.  Asks him to meet her at the water but he doesn't show up.  LJ: "Tony is a flaming ball of anxiety" and is watching everyone like a hawk.  Tasha knows that Tony is running the show. 

Immunity Challenge.  It's one of those 'you're so hungry let's fuck with your memory" challenges.  Remember sequences of colored tiles.  Tasha wins immunity!!! 

LJ: I say we split the vote in case Spencer or Jeremiah has the idol. 

Tony still thinks Woo might have an idol.  He decides to pin it all on Woo,  He tells Woo that LJ is shady and wants to blindside him.  Woo totally buys it 100%, further proving to me that Woo really isn't as smart as I thought he would be. 

Tony tells Spencer that Woo wants LJ out.  You are safe, just don't vote for me.  Spencer says it's like a BIG CHRISTMAS present.  Considers if it's a lie or not, but tells Jeremiah. 

Tony talks to Trish.  She's trying to calm him down but says LJ says you want to get rid of Woo??  No, LJ is the one who wants Woo.  I'm not proposing anything like that.  LJ is the problem, he's sneaky.  He tells her it's him, her and Woo as final 3.  Totally works her over to be against LJ.  Trish talks to Kass, who thinks it's totally crazy to make a blindside then.  Tony says he has to decide whether it's time to kick ass or kiss ass. 

Tribal.

Jeremiah admits the 3 are in trouble as there is a strong 6 alliance.
Kass is asked if she gives a shit about the 3.  It's a game, Jeff.  There are lots of moves yet to come and it's gonna get dirty.
Tony: It's confusion out there!  That's why I brought my bag of tricks that make me more confident.  He holds up his bag hinting he has an idol. 

Jeff asks, "if it's a strong 6 why be nervous?"

Tasha: There may be fractures
LJ says she's just HOPING there are fractures.  Says he was approached but there's no need.  Loyalty is huge in this game. 
Jeff asks Tony what he does for a living and he says "construction".  Sarah's head whips around on the jury.  He says loyalty is important in his work because of people stealing tools...or something.
Kass says that loyalty is fine at home but she checked that at the door. 
Woo says the 6 are strong but there will be a time for moves.
Spencer: I don't know who's on the bottom of the 6 but if you think that 6 is strong, it might be you.....

Time to vote.  No idol is played.  Jeremiah gets 3 votes, Spencer 1 and LJ is blindsided with the help of Tony and Woo. 

Bang.  Lots of happy faces on the jury!

Survivor: It's a Math Problem, Stupid

If X=11, then 1/2X+1> 1/2X. 

It's basic MATH people. 

Welcome to this week's AMAZING Survivor Update.  I personally am still scratching my head about whether Kass is a total idiot or not. 

As the episode starts, we are again, as we have been since day 1, ALL OBSESSED WITH THE MERGE.  It's all merge, all the time.  Will there be a merge?  Is it better to go into a merge with 6 people of 5 VERY TIGHT PEOPLE??  Will there be a basket of food AND WINE?? 

Spencer is all TOP 6 BABY!!!  We're in CONTROL of the game!  Let's all decide who our first 2 picks to go from the other tribe are RIGHT NOW!  Kass: If we stay strong we can win!!  It sounds so simple!!"  Yes, Kass, it sounds so simple because I am almost convinced that was on the script you were given last night when the cameras were off and the chinese take out arrived, 

And just like that, it starts to fall apart.  Kass and Sarah are strolling on the beach.  Kass tells Sarah she's worried about her and Jeremiah flipping.  Which apparently is totally an irrational thought since they weren't original parts of the brains tribe. Sarah gets all pissed off.  The demise of our tribe is gonna be in not trusting each other.  They shake. 

(Question, has it rained more than one day this season???)

Kass feels like Sarah hasn't really proven herself with one easy vote.  "Show me the blood on your hands from a former teammate and I'll believe her". 

Tony is bored because there's no drama to stir up.  Hang on Tony.  It's merge time.  Pack up and head over to the other beach.  Cue about 10 minutes of discussing 6/5, 5/6, 6/5.......We gotta be strong MAN, I love you all MAN. 

Along with the food comes a note indicating there is a new idol, with SPECIAL POWERS.  Tony says he's gonna relentlessly search for it but apparently he either doesn't or has no success.  They decide the new black buffed tribe will be known as Solarrion, which I believe was the name of the linoleum we put in the kitchen in my old house. 

Tony decides that Sarah is his hope.  And he begins manic phase Tony.  Seriously, this guy carries a loaded weapon every day??  After the daily Trish pilates class, they discuss "who is the head of the snake??"  Woo tells Tony he has to smooth things over with Sarah.  Tony's version of smoothing things over is more like "Stop and Frisk". "We'd have 6, it's a no brainer, you'd be #3 (I thought she was #2 already??), SWEAR ON YOUR BADGE.  It's Spencer of Kass.......

Sarah: It's 5-me-5.  A Sarah sandwich.  I WILL DECIDE THE FATE OF THE GAME .  Seriously, Mark Burnette you need to get some new lines.  Sarah, Jeremiah and Kass talk.  Sarah assures everyone LJ does not have an idol.  Jeremiah points out that he doesn't have it so it could very well be LJs.  Sarah wants LJ or Woo voted out.  Kass says, if Woo wins immunity it has to be Trish.  Sarah is a TOTAL NO FREAKING WAY on this idea.  And don't piss me off because I CONTROL THE DESTINY OF THIS GAME.  She accuses Kass of bullying. 

Kass doesn't trust Sarah.  Thinks she's in a 1 person alliance not a 6 person alliance.  Who made her queen?? 

Trish overhears Kass and Sarah having a cat fight.  Her horse head rears up at that. 

Kass, Sarah and Tasha go off to talk.  Tasha tries to calm Sarah down and keep her in line.  Sarah tells them again that she controls everyone's fate, to which they reply, "no you control your own fate only". 

Immunity Challenge.  It's that stand on a triangular platform in the water thing.  Every 15 minutes they have to change positions.  Basically everyone but Woo and Tony fall on the last transition.  A strong breeze blows fat Tony off his perch and Woo wins immunity. 

Sarah is still running around yelling ME ME ME ME ME, I GET TO DECIDE!!!!! 

Spencer wants Jefra.  Sarah again insists no one has an idol.  She wants Tony of LJ.  Kass thinks that if Sarah is about to destroy the game, she should do it first. 

Trish and Tony talk.  They decide Sarah is in charge.  She tells Tony he shouldn't trust her.  Trish wants to talk to Kass.  Tony wants one more chance to beat some sense into Sarah.  He starts beating her up again, all panicky and manicky.  Totally hard sell.  YOU GOT NOBODY ON YOUR SIDE.  SWEAR ON YOUR BADGE.  DO YOU LOVE ME, WILL YOU LOVE ME FOREVER, WILL YOU NEVER LEAVE ME, WILL YOU MAKE ME SO HAPPY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.....I GOTTA KNOW RIGHT NOW.....  LET ME SLEEP ON IT, BABY BABY, LET ME SLEEP ON IT......

Trish gallops over to Kass.  Kass tells her she's been replaced.  Trish feels her out on switching....asks her who she would vote for?  Kass says Sarah and WHAT A FREAKING COINCIDENCE, because that's who we are all voting for.  Oh, and would you happen to have any hay on you?? Kass thinks "maybe they're smarter than I think..."

Tribal
LJ: Yes, I am on the hot seat.
Tasha: The biggest threats need to go
Tony: Yes, there are different groups but I still think it's more important to align with who you are comfortable with not just the #s.  I'm worried tonight.
Kass: If I were LJ or Tony I would be worried.
LJ:  No idea if there are idols.  None have appeared yet...maybe it's a Survivor myth.
Tony.  I have one.  I'm gonna use it for my tribe.  He pulls it out and puts it on.  BIG MOVE TONIGHT JEFF. 
Spencer and Tasha start telling everyone "It's the other one.. vote for the other one..."

Jeff:  Hell, since I've totally lost control, let's just vote.

JEFF, JEFF, CAN YOU VALIDATE MY IDOL JEFF????????
Yes Tony, that is a legitimate idol. 
I'd like to give it to LJ.  And they're all smug!
LJ:  I'd like to do one better and give Tony MY idol!
Whaaaaaat???  LOL.

Jeff starts reading the votes, and the "other one" was in fact Jefra.  Who is all freaking out.  Smug faces are dropping.  Vote for Jefra.....vote for Sarah.....vote for Jefra......vote for Sarah......And the first person on the jury is.......SARAH. 

Whaaaaaa???  Who flipped??  Everyone thanks KASS for flipping. 

Spencer: YOU HAVE ZERO CHANGE OF WINNING THE GAME KASS.

We shall see!!

Survivor: It'