Survivor: Good People vs Douchebags

I never realized Goliath was a total douchebag that DESERVED to have his ASS kicked by David!  And, just like that, WELCOME to the first update on Season 495 of Survivor!  

Clearly we are all supposed to like the Davids-those who have overcome obstacles or something like that.  Meet some of our Davids-Christian who is a robot nerd.  So is Gabby.  Not sure what obstacle that means they have overcome except nerdness.  Meet Elizabeth who is one of 8 kids on a farm-apparently that's a big obstacle.  Nick is the kid from the trailer in the holler who is now a public defender. Ok, that one I get.  Pat had poor parents that lived paycheck to paycheck, and then his mom got paralyzed.  His dad is a fireman and no college for Pat.  

The Goliaths are the winners  in society!  Natalie is a winner!  And an angry black woman CEO.  Angelina went to ivy league schools (wonder if she LIKES BEER).  John is basically a wrestler who goes by a variety of different porn star names.  He travels around the world doing fake wrestling because that is what is WINNING in the world today.....Alison is a physician from an upper middle class family.  

They all meet on what appears to be an oil tanker and suddenly I'm excited thinking this season is gonna be in somewhere hard like Russia or the Arctic.  But, no, it's Fiji AGAIN.  Probably the only island country that still allows the show to be filmed on the beaches owned by Mark Burnett and that Touched by an Angel wife of his.  The winners are all smart assing and laughing at the Davids, convinced that "the cards are stacked in our affluenza favor".  Jeff spends an enormous amount of time talking about what is an advantage in this GREATEST SOCIAL EVENT EVER.  

He asks the rich kids to chose the weakest from David and they chose "the purple hair girl and the big bang theory nerd).  They also get to chose their strongest so it's the wrestler porn guy and Alison who must have known in advance that their color is royal purple because she's already 10 minutes in shedding her top and showing her purple victoria secret bra.  

The Davids get to pick which challenge each pair does from 2 choices so they pick crossing a beam, crawling under a net, and an 8 piece puzzle.  The Goliaths get a make a plank bridge, go through a net tube and do a cube puzzle.  The Davids kick ass because Big Bang dude once wrote a puzzle solving algorithm.  They get a big bundle of shelter making supplies.  

More people on Goliath-some dude who was on Amazing Race is apparently a screenwriter, A formerly FAT cop who claims he got fat because of all that free McDonalds food cops get.  His name is Dan and he's like most formerly fat kids that are now convinced they are the hottest thing around-already hitting on the good looking blond chick, Kara.  They have an 'IMMEDIATE CONNECTION" which made me check if I was watching the bachelor or Survivor.  She's a former NFL Cheerleader who is now a realtor.  So much WINNING!  

On David we meet Gabby, the tech writer geek.  She says they are scrappier people.  Does tech writing not pay enough to make her a winner??  Pat, of the paralyzed mom, is a property manager so he jumps right on the shelter construction.  He's ordering people around including the 2 African Americans wearing pink shirts.  We never really hear their story so I guess on Survivor just being  minority makes you a David.  I looked them up-older guy is Jeremy and is a truck driver, younger guy is David is a social media manager.  

Shelter building is also going on on Goliath.  Natalie-CEO and minority is doing a lot of standing around looking annoyed.  She's 57 and used to being in charge.  Natalia is an industrial engineer and kinda knows about building stuff.  She is highly annoyed by Natalie.  

Jessica is a 18 year old waitress on David.  She's telling everyone she is 22.  I guess in case there is wine this season.  Carl, the truck driver, thinks she reminds him of his daughter.  Everyone is approaching each other pairing off into alliances.  Elizabeth the farmers daughter is hooking up with purple haired Lyrsa (airline agent).  Lyrsa totally looks like the girl from the "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" chick.  The nerds are obv hooking up and asking each other to tell them when they are being too geeky.  LIKE NOW.  

Johnny porn wrestler goes through his list of names, and I stepped taking notes at Ab-raham LIncoln.  I think his dad was Long Dong Silver.  

Everyone is cold and wet because it's raining like hell.  They're all "working" on the goliath shelter when Mike-Amazing Race dude-goes off to look for an idol.  And then everyone is like WHERE IS MIKE????  Natalie, who has nothing else to do, goes to find him and tell him he is being a dumb ass looking the the idol.  Jeremy-the other minority who is an ATTORNEY and therefore a WINNER thinks Mike is making a rooky mistake.  

Apparently the lazy ass of the David losers is Nick-the public defender from the holler.  I'm thinking a guy who hangs around the courthouse looking for poor people who need representation to fight their oxycontin related infractions.  He says it's really easy to skip work.  Instead he is off to find his flock and he talks with Elizabeth (which surprises me).  Pat and Carl can't stand Nick already.  

Angelina and 2 other Goliath women decide that women need to find more idols.  They actually know the statistics of how often women find idols.  Jeremy decides to look to and pretty soon everyone is looking.  Former Fattie Dan already has it having found it with his girl Kara and some other chick I haven't figured out yet.  He's STOKED MAN.

Davie finds an octopus so the Davids get some food.  Davie is a 'BLERD"  which is a black nerd.  

Later that night they are huddled in the shelter and Jessica is crying and telling a story about her mom being in an abusive relationship. Then Bi tells about her being in an abusive relationship and says her mom was lucky to have her.  And then Nick tells his pathetic story about how hard it has always been for him to open up but his mom overdosed (didn't see THAT Kentucky holler tragedy coming up did we?).  Seriously I expected a personal interview where he laughed and said it was a lie.  

Immunity Challenge:  It's obstacles-sand pit with the first team through getting a key to a lock instead of having to untie it. Then there's a ladder, then a pole vault and then a puzzle of course.  

Goliath DAMN IT wins.  They get the immunity idol which is NOT  a cheap copy of the David statue.  

And then we go to commercial and come back to some strange video with a boat in a storm, and then waves and it's really weird.  Turns out that it was the TOTALLY UNLUCKY David tribe's boat which hits a giant wave and somehow Pat gets an injured back.  Which TOTALLY PISSES ME OFF because it was the fault of the show.  And way he is lying on the beach in a shit load of pain and Jeff arrives with the always Aussie medic and with a copy of the legal release Pat signed letting the show off of any legal repercussions.  They decide they have to pull him from the game which totally PISSED ME OFF because in the past they have taken people off for X-rays before they decided to remove them from the game.  

So, no tribal council for anyone.  And apparently Pat ends up OK.

T

Welcome to the probable last update for this season!  Can't say it was my favorite by any stretch of the imagination but we are left with 7.  Donathan and Laurel, Dominick and Wendell, an Sebastian, Kellyn and Angela.  And yes, even at this late date I cannot keep Kellyn and Angela straight.  

This week we have Donathan either having a horrible case of PMS OR playing 11 dimension chess.  Kinda going with PMS myself!

Kellyn is feeling sad and on the bottom.  She's wondering who will come for her and deciding to stir some shit up.

Donathan and Laurel are deciding what their next plan it.  Whether or not to go with the girls or the boys.  Donathan thinks the time has come to not play it safe.  Laurel kind of agrees, saying it's their last shot at taking out Wendell.  She knows she can't beat Dom and Wendell even if they are her new best friends.  Donathan thinks this is their last chance to take control of the game.  The middle ain't gonna git me to the end!

Donathan talks to Kellyn about taking out Wendell, voting with the girls.  He tells her though that she cain't go blurtin this out to no one.  And that this is us extendin out the olive branch.

Reward challenge:

Divided into 3 teams of 2 with someone not chosen, it's one of those "Lucy and Ethel in the chocolate factory" challenges with spools send down a track at differing timing.  Wanna know?  It's the ambassador to poor little island children where they get to plan Mother Theresa without the risk of disease.  Oh, and in case you don't like children there is friend chicken and chocolate cake.  LOL, remember back in the day when they actually attempted to celebrate the culture of the island?  I'm just surprised this isn't called the KFC Challenge.  

They are predictably sorted as : Kellyn and Sebastian, Wendell and Dom, Don and Laurel.  Angie has no partner,  

And, we are off and it's friggin like listening to Chris Collinsworth do the reporting,  Jeff, SHUT THE HELL UP!!!  Seriously I cannot stand listening to him anymore!!!  

Dominick and Wendell win reward and get to chose one additional person to join them- they chose Laurel because they need to get her back into the fold.  They also get to chose someone to go to Ghost Island, and they chose Sebastian which leaves a sad and mad little Donathan.  I'm pissed off and not seeing myself at the end.  Time to rattle some cages.

Sebastian is excited to go to GI, where he gets to PLAY THE GAME.  He's got a 3/4 chance with the bamboo tubes.  He wins an advantage- it's the reused steal a vote that doesn't let you steal a vote anymore but does give you an extra vote.  

And then we have the reward challenge with all of the cute little poor island children in their very clean and nice uniforms.  Let's give them sporting equipment!  Balls and swim noodles-because living on an island their entire lives they prolly can't swim too good.  Here's an idea Survivor-how about giving these kids some BOOKS TO READ???  Wouldn't it be nice to see these bedragged Survivors sitting and reading to the little island chillin?  How about we assume that these kids have a future outside of getting drafted for some US sports farm team???  During the meal Wendell and Donathan say they picked Laurel as a reward to shore her up and that they are 1-2-3 going to the end.  Laurel says her best hope is taking you two to the finale and having you split the vote but privately she wants to cut their throats.  

Back at Lavita Loco, Wendell tries to talk to Donathan about taking Laurel to the reward.  "You understand where we're at, right?"  Donathan tells Wendell that he's voting for Dom at the end it it comes down to Dom and Wendell.  Donathan is trying to drop some truth bombs and scare Wendell into pitting him against Dom.  Wendell tells Donathan that having him vote for him is all the incentive Dom needs to NOT take him to the finale. 

Donathan is really in paranoid mood, and I can't totally figure out if it's intentional or hormonal.  Dominick asks him, if you've given up,what's our incentive to to stick with us??

Dominick thinks that Don is going Kamikaze and ready to MAKE HIS BIG MOVE.  He's scaring Dom and "blowing up the entire game".

Immunity Challenge:  It's one of those use planks to build a bridge and a ladder up to a puzzle things.  Although the planks are also puzzle pieces that only fit in one way.  At the end is the same slide puzzle from day one.  

It's a very strange ending because Wendell finishes first and makes an arm motion but doesn't call Jeff over.  Laurel also finishes but does call him over and wins immunity.  

Back at camp, Laurel backs off the big move to get rid of Wendell because he did finish first and it would't be right to send him home tonight.  Aaaand there goes $ 1 million.

Dom and Wendell thinks Kellyn is probably the general consensus.  Dom comes up and they tell him Kellyn.  He's all OK BUT IF Y'ALLS GONNA VOTE ME OUT JUST LEMME KNOW.  

Dom says that Don is sabotaging himself, and at least Kellyn is dependable.  Wendell says he might need to make a fake idol, and while working on it asks Dom for some materials to use.  Dom looks and hands Wendell some stuff which is overseen by Don.  Donathan totally gets his panties in a wad about it, accusing them of shenanigans to help Kellyn.  If y'alls gonna help Kellyn Ima gonna flip.  Donathan tells Kellyn he thinks they are gonna try for him and even she thinks he's an unpredictable bomb thrower,  

Everyone is sitting on the hammock and talking about how crazy Donathan is and they think....maybe Donathan??

Tribal

Jeff is again playing Doctor Phil and is 100% on my last freakin nerve.  I swear he didn't use to try to control the conversation as much as he does.  Part of me thinks they have a discussion at tribal and then go back and film Jeff looking like he's asking very wise and pointed questions to bring out their feelings.  

Dom says he was shocked at how limited his brainpower has become.  LOL.  Says they are all starting to mentally and physically fall apart

Wendell says basically the same thing-that they are falling apart.  He says he's not sharp and blames his loss of immunity on it.  

Jeff asks what's the vibe?  The vibe, Jeff, is that no one asks what the vibe is in real life.  

Dom says that Donathan got spooked and maybe changed gears

Wendell again tries to explain that Dom put something in his bag and it was no big deal.  Question-Doesn't Dom have a fake idol whose power is only used if he gets someone else to think it's real?

Don asks if it was so harmless why did they hide what they were doing?  why not tells me what y'alls doin?  Youre dependin on my but withholding information.

Dom says they are not withholding info

Wendell says the problem is that Don has the desire to know everything

Don: yes, when I'm working with y'alls I do!

Do Sebastian or Angela every talk at tribal???

Dom asks if he can say something and Don says NO

Kellyn doesn't know what's going on but she's liking it.  She says that after Chelsea went the word on the street was that she was next.

Don tells Jeff, it prolly ain't goinna be Kellyn it's gonna be me.  I seen them whisperin...they all got loaded pockets.....

Dom says to the group-stay with the hammock plan.

Donathan says he doesn't know what the hammock plan is and Dom says that's because we are done talking.

Laurel says she has a strong plan A but also a plan B and C.....

Kellyn think plan B's and C's sound good to her.  Says there are underdogs and big dogs but that "people came to me with plans today...."

Dom and Wendell are like, say what???

Wendell leans over to Sebastian and says "split the vote".

They vote......Dom gets 1, Kellyn get 3 and Don gets 3.  They revote.....and Kellyn is off to the jury.  

HAHA.  MADE Y'ALL VOTE TWICE!!

Survivor: Is that a crack???

Wow, so we have just one more episode before the finale May 23??  How many people are going into the finale this year?  It seems like there are still way too many people left!  Who do we want to win?  I am 1000% team Donathan!!!

So last update we had the double elimination with Jenna and Michael going to the jury (note to self, catch up on Ponderosa).  Everyone wants to know why there was an extra vote and Kellyn admits she had it and used it for 2 votes against Lauren.  Lauren is pissed off at her, and says although Wendell and Dom stuck up for her, it really is every man for himself now.  

Reward Challenge and grab your hankies because it's the family visit reward.  Probably because of liability insurance involved with letting Aunt Patty do any kind of challenge other than making up a batch of fried chicken, the loved ones just watch this time.  It's an obstacle course that ends with throwing a sandbag on a small round cocktail table.  

Family members are:

Wendell-Wendell Sr who is the "original Wendell"

Kellyn's older incredibly geeky brother, Clay

Don's fantastic Aunt Patty in her pink go-to-church scarf accessory

Angela's daughter Page who talks about how much her mom has been away as a military mom

Chelsea and her sister Sydney

Laurel's big brother

Sebastian's totally hot sister Grace

And Dom's 100% Real Housewife of NJ wife Kristen. Who is wearing an 80's inspired pink camisole tucked into her jean shorts.  She says that SHE HAS BEEN IN AGONY.  Jeff jumps right on that but the agony is.....she hasn't been able to "tawk" to him for 36 days.  

The challenge comes down to Sebastian and Dom, and Sebastian wins the challenge.  He gets to take ultimately 3 people and he chooses Dom, Wendell and Donathan leaving the girls all out in the cold.  Then he gets to chose who to send to Ghost Island where they will get a certain game advantage, and if his group doesn't get it one of the girls gets to chose who gets it.  Sebastian offers it up and Wendell takes it.  

The girls are left high and dry and return to camp PISSED OFF.  

On Ghost, Wendell gets Malcolm's second chance advantage to use on the same challenge-balancing a ball on a cylinder, and holding the cylinder with 2 smaller cylinder pieces.  Malcolm an extra shot at the challenge and blew it, and I am already guessing the challenge loser Wendell will suffer the same fate.  

On reward, although Dom would love to cuddly with his lil jersey tomato he decides it's the opportunity for the 4 to come together and bond.  Dom says he is committed to them and Miss Patty says that's a sacred bond now with her.  Privately Donathan thinks that although they are all making plans, those 3 are the greatest threats in the game, and he doubts he could beat them, so he feels like they need to go.  

On camp, the 4 girls are PISSED OFF.  They're whining like crazy' "they get everything good, and now Wendell gets an advantage without the chance of anything bad happening to him.  it's NOT FAIR!!!  MARSHA, MARSHA, MARSHA!!!"

And then Kellyn and the ladies figure out that since they are all together and pissed they need to make a plan to take out one of the men.  Kellyn conveniently decides to use Lauren and bring on Donathan (being one of the girls and all) to take out either Dom or Wendell and Lauren is having a hard time trusting her after being stabbed in the back.  

Immunity Challenge.  And as I predicted Wendell could have 5 second chances and still lose.  Dom ends up beating Donathan for immunity.  

Kellyn declared that the happy Navidi family has come to an end-it's now all about Lauren and Donathan and who gets their votes.  

Wendell is pissed that he blew an opportunity with his Dad for nothing.  Coulda told ya that.... He also has decided they need to get rid of Chelsea because she is a challenge beast.  

The girls are deciding which of the boys to get rid of because they have too much power.  They talk with Don because "he will work with us".  Since Dom has immunity they decide they want to blindside Wendell.  And Chelsea reiterates that it needs to be a blindside.

Dom and Wendell want Chelsea.  Wendell is concerned because he isn't getting the "we're the only black people left" good feeling from Lauren.  

Lauren and Donathan talks about who they want to align with.  They are concerned that Dom and Wendell are just going to start steam rolling everyone.  

Tribal

Kellyn says, yes Jeff, there was a bit of fallout and bad feelings because I attempted to screw over Lauren, but now she's my bitch

Donathan bangs the door right open by saying that indeed there is an opening in the Navidi Nation tonight

Wendell is all WHAT THE FUCK??? And looks at Dom who is also clueless

Dom admits he is indeed all shook up

Kellyn says that there is usually a tribal truth bomb from Donathan

Lauren announces that indeed there is a crack in Navidi Nation and they have found it and hope to capitalize on it.  GAME ON!!

Everyone is suddenly shitting bricks.

Chelsea is suddenly nervous and admits she is clueless as to what has changed

Donathan says that BOTH of the girls and they guys have come to them-"there's the cracks"

Dom figures out that perhaps he was too blinded by his wife's lingerie to realize it wasn't a good idea to leave the ladies alone without access to that chocolate cake with the french cookies on it (did you think I would NOT mention that cake??)

Wendell says that Donathan doesn't hold his tongue and they have to deal with the fallout

Kellyn says that the family visit kicked her off of her path and with the small number of people left everyone is running multiple scenarios every minute

Chelsea says it's like a big game of bumper cars-who will get out of your way and who will come right at you.

Jeff is ALL THE HELL OVER THE BUMPER CAR ANALOGY. Expect that to be a lesson in the Survivor college course

Dom points out that right now people are resume building and it's not a good idea to wait to make a big move, since someone else might beat you.

Donathan says it could be a blindside tonight!

Vote....any idols........Nope.

Wendell gets the 3 ladies votes but Chelsea gets the blindside with all of the men and Lauren voting!

Jeff:  There's a crack......now what???

Survivor Double Shot

Hello!  I almost forgot I had to do an update this week.  And it's apparently not just me that thinks this season is dragging and needs a poke in the ASS, last week we had a double elimination night to get this moving.  I can remember years when I rushed my Mom out the door on Mothers Day to watch the finale but we still have 10 people lounging around the camp.  

Previously on Survivor, Desiree YET AGAIN was trying to get rid of Kellyn and got caught.  So, she, Dom and Wendell orchestrated her ouster.  Laurel is also part of this secret group.  

Michael thanked Laurel for saving his ass once again.  Kellyn, never one to let go of the NAVIDI STRONG flag still doesn't trust Lauren, even though she saved her ass.  

Curious-they always show Iguanas climbing stuff on Survivor yet no one ever catches or eats one.  Is it me or are they not allowed to eat land animals? Why not spend a few minutes not lounging on the bed and set up a little trap for a critter?  Someday they truth of this show is going to come out and you will all be forced to admit I was RIGHT that there is purell on the backside of every tree,  And the camps are fenced in so no animals go in or out, nor do any Survivors go anywhere else but their beach.  

Next we have a bit of Don and Wendell snuggling, which looks like it's totally staged and Dom is half assed laughing at the things he has to say.  Dom says they are good friends BUT.....  Dom also is apparently the only one who questions whether or not there is a new idol on the camp.  And since he says he basically knows every inch of the beach he goes out and BAM finds a coconut with a logo burned into it.  He opens it up and it's a fake idol (Jake made it and Jay tried to use it if you care-frankly I am sick of the history lessons).  Anywhoo this little fake idol apparently did not go to Ghost Island and grow up to a real idol BUT the clue says that the opportunity lies in your ability to fool another player, I guess by leaving it laying around for someone else to find and THINK it's real.  

And, BANG WE ARE AT IMMUNITY CHALLENGE.  Show of hands, who else looked at the clock and said, "hmmmm, it's pretty early for an immunity challenge..."  Sooo, there is a twist.  Survivors will be divided into 2 teams, and will compete as 2 teams with each going to tribal separately.  2 eiliminations tonight.  The challenge is one of those stamina things-they have to hold on to a lever that holds a ball in place.  The random picks of course split so each team has a majority of Navidi people, so there is a pretty good possibility of getting rid of 2 Malolo's.  Teams are:

First up

Michael

Laurel

Dom

Wendell

Kellyn

Second Team

Chelsea

Sebastian

Angela

Jenna

Donathan

For the first team, Dom wins immunity, second team Chelsea wins.  The second team is first up at Tribal so the other team will know how the vote came out.

Dom says that it should be easy to put the votes on Michael and finally get him off.  Michael talks to Donathan, asks Don for his idol, just to borrow it for his tribal and Donathan says NOPE.  I was afraid he would fall for Michael's big city ways.  Michael decides to go around and try to convince people he has an idol anyway.  He goes first to the always hysterical Kellyn and tells her.  She is of course all FREAKED OUT and believes him , even when he says that he is with you FOR THE REST OF THE GAME.  Kellyn tells Michael not to show it to Laurel.  

Kellyn also runs with her hair on fire to Dom who tells her to make Michael show her the idol or it's not real.  She continues running around telling people that she's scared and they should instead vote out Laurel and keep Navidi STRONG.  She also tells Wendell this, not knowing about his alliance with Laurel.  

Wendell tells Laurel who is upset because if Laurel has an idol then she would probably go home.  She thinks that it's finally time for Dom and Wendell to protect her and vote instead for Kellyn.  Kellyn still has her extra vote which she decides to use on Laurel.  

On the other side, lazy ASS Sebastian who I really cannot believe is still there, says that it's 3-2 so one of the Malolo is going home.  They decide it's Jenna but they tell her it's Donathan.  Jenna comes up and says "I assume it's me" but they tell her instead that they are all getting rid of Donathan but he has to believe it's Jenna.  Jenna goes crying to Donathan telling him she loves him and hates the thought of leaving him.  Donathan thinks may be he can play his idol and save her.  He tells Jenna to vote for Sebastian, and that he is going to use his idol for her. Jenna is thrilled, and calls him an idiot for doing so.  

Tribal 1

Don agrees that the 2 tribals have shaken things up at camp, 

Sebastian says Malolo is at the low end of the stick and there isn't anything they can do.

Jeff points out that while that is true, there are still more Navidi on the jury than Malolo's

Jenna isn't even trying to plead a case, says there are no cracks so let's vote.

Jeff calls her on her lack of even trying to persuade people.

Sebastian agrees that it's very interesting that she isn't even trying to save herself.....

Donathan says that there are always tricks up people's sleeves

Chesea says that there is a 3/2 split so if people vote wrong a Navidi could go home.

Donathan points out that the 3 Navidi won't want to rub the other Navidi's the wrong way so it's def him or Jenna

Jenna again says, I'm ready let's vote.

Vote.....Donathan plays his idol for.....himself.  

Donathan 1

Sebastian 1

Jenna 2 and an angry Jenna goes directly to the jury.

Tribal 2

Laurel says that Navidi always plays the same game

Dom points out that they have the majority on both tribals and have been lucky this whole season that way

Wendell agrees that it's that simple

Kellyn says that in Survivor the easy move is rarely the right move and she is scared

Jeff says something about animals and prey and that all eyes are on the prey

Dom says that while Michael has a strong history of finding idols he doesn't believe he has one

Michael says that if he did he sure wouldn't show it in advance

Jeff asks Laurel if she is prey #2 and she says she is and that her game hinges on their read of Michael not having an idol

Jeff starts to ask Kellyn if this isn't one of those times that you dream of playing Survivor but Michael and Wendell start having a secret powwow 

Kellyn points out that neither she of Laurel is included in the discussions

Vote-Kellyn uses her extra vote:

Kellyn 1

Wendell 1

Laurell 2

Michael 2

The jury figures out there is an extra vote.  They revote and Michael is finally voted off.  

 

Hello!  We have some catching up to do!  I was away and forgot to ask one of you clever people to step into my shoes!  So today I watched the last 2 episodes and 3 things come to mind: 1) It is very likely I have called Jenna Libby, or Kellyn.  Or gotten Angie wrong.  Because after all of this time I still LITERALLY cannot keep these nebulous boring blondes straight.  2) I am finding this season very boring-is it just me?  With the exception of Donathan I just don't like anyone-and to me Donathan is just sitting around looking like "is this it??" because he is also bored.  And 3) any notion I had that after the merge I did not need to keep remembering who was Navidi and who was Malolo is out the damn window.  

So just to remember, and for my own good in writing this up here's a reminder:

For the former Navidi:

Angela          

Chelsea           

Desiree            

Dominick          

Kellyn              

Sebastian        

Wendell         

And the original Malolo we have: 

Donathan        

Jenna            

Laurel            

Libby           

Michael         

But within that we have a second alliance with Dom, Wendell, Laurel and Donathan who goes both ways.  

Ok, so we are now post Chris, and Libby wants to know why she keeps getting votes.  She thinks she needs something to improve her game.

Dom is THRILLED that Chris is gone and says he can now die in peace.  He realizes he might have looked like too strong at Tribal and how he pulled off the Chris exit so he is all "I had total respect for the guy but HE was coming for me" contrite.  He decides he has to walk his bullshit level back and lay low for a while.

Wendell is rebuilding the kitchen.  He has his secret alliance with Dom, Laurel and Donathan but he is suspicious of Laurel who he thinks is a bit hesitant.  He needs to make her feel secure so he tells her his big secret of having an idol and promises her final 4.  And as usual, all this does is make Laurel suspicious because she didn't know he had an idol and is a bit pissed that this is the second time she's been in the dark.  Wendell though tells Dom that she's 100% with them.  

Reward Challenge:  2 teams, there's a floating bridge, slingshots and they have to knock down 6 targets.  Wanna know?  An afternoon of eating tacos and margaritas at the Survivor Taco Hut.  Also, as an added bonus a definite bought of raging diarrhea so stay away from the bottle of habanero hot sauce!

The "purple" tribe wins, consisting of Wendell, Laurel, Donathan, Chelsea, Libby and Angela.  Jenna gets sent to Ghost with a rock draw.  

Ghost Island:  NOT TODAY.  Jenna gets nothing.

At the tiki hut Wendell congratulates everyone and is happy that he has a chance to possibly improve things with Laurel and to bond with Donathan.  Angie brings up the "epic" tribal and Libby asks why she keeps getting votes,  Chelsea explains that it probably has to do with how close she and Michael have been.  Libby again decides she has to MAKE A MOOOOOVE.

At Camp, Michael decides that Chris was an easy vote and he needs to build his case.  He talks to Angie about how worried he is about Wendell and Dom, says Dom is powerless without Wendell so he suggests Wendell needs to go.  He also tells Angie that the girls don't trust her and she decides it's time to stir the pot.

Angie goes to Chelsea and Kellyn and tells them what Michael said about them not trusting her-she wants to start a war and be the victor standing among the bodies in the end.  She then stirs the shit with Dom and Wendell, telling them what Michael said and that Michael wants Wendell gone.  Wendell thinks that this tribal they might finally have a common easy vote at tribal.

Immunity Challenge- and it's the disgusting food challenge.  The first 2 rounds are fish eyes and Michael, Des and Laurel move on as do Angie, Sebastian and Dom.  3rd round is 3 large beetle larvae. Michael, Sebastian and Angie move on from here.  Next up is 2 giant sea slugs and Michael and Angie move on with Angie basically deep throating a whole slug.  The final competition is between Michael and Angie and is a big plate of the meat of mother of pearl, which I guess is some giant clam thing.  Angie literally dances her way to immunity while Michael asks to finish his just because he has the chance.  

Michael thinks his plan to blindside Wendell is coming around nicely.

At camp, Desiree says everyone is agreed on Michael but Chelsea thinks they need a backup spit in case he has an idol.  They think by using Laurel and Donathan they can split the vote between Michael and Libby.  

Michael talks to Don and Libby and say if they split their vote between Michael and Libby then Malolo can basically chose who to vote off.  Donathan asks Michael who he thinks should go and he tells them Wendell.  Laurel thinks it would be a resume builder to go with Wendell.  Donathan and Laurel discuss whether to stick with Malolo or to join Navidi in their plan to split the vote.  Donathan is worried about letting the Malolo numbers get too low and then being eaten by Navidi.

Dom tells Libby the plan is to vote out Michael, and then Donathan tells her the plan is a split between her and Michael.  She's like, What???  Isn't sure who to believe. Kellyn tells Dom she can't read where Donathan and Laurel are headed.  Wendell is a bit worried.

Tribal

Angie talks about going into the challenge feeling left out of many conversations and needing to take charge by winning immunity.  

Sebastian is still impressed the way she downed that phallic sea slug

Don talks about the past few days everyone going off to have conversations and forming alliances.  Says he's not sure there is still a strong Navidi or Malolo bond anymore.

Desiree says if you aren't considering big moves you are already losing

Jeff asks Dom about the "new format" at the finale which is confusing to me but I guess means that they now have the ability to be asked questions and provide rationalities.  Not sure if that is anything new so perhaps they know of some difference this time around.

Wendell talks about how all of the big dogs that take people out end up with a target on their back

Michael is asked about people getting too many steps ahead of themselves and he says he is thinking of only tonight's vote.  He says too many people are getting too comfortable and not making the moves they have to.

Laurel says something about people getting too comfortable, and she says that while Navidi still has power not everyone is on the top.  She suggests those at the bottom use them while they are still here.  

Wendell says it is always hard to convince people that they are at the bottom

Dom says you can't trust anyone because of all the bullshit going around.  He suggests some people might jump ship

Kellyn says it makes no sense to jump ship as Navidi still has the numbers over Malolo

Michael says that you can sit on a timebomb for too long.....

And with that bit of wisdom it's time to vote.  Michael plays his idol and does a long winded explanation of whose it was which is just freaking boring.  Michael gets 7 votes, Wendell gets one.  Libby goes home with 3 votes.  

Aaaaand, another week!

Everyone is apparently HANGRY.  Desiree is HUNGRY.  And about to meltdown.  

Desiree is NOT ABOUT TO BE TOLD WHAT TO DO.  She knows the plan is to be Navidi strong and finally get rid of Michael but she is at the bottom and wants to shake things up.  She wants to use Michael to take out Kellyn, then to get rid of Wendell and Dom.  her plan is to pull Angie and Chelsea in.  Is it me or has Desiree been playing some other game all along? I mean, she kept voting Libby no matter what anyone else was doing.  She clearly has an issue with other women....

Reward Challenge:  2 teams, one person sits out.  2 people paddle around and rescue the other 3 from cages.  And there are keys.  And PUZZLE PIECES.

Wanna know?  A ride in a helicopter to a bluff and SANDWICHES.  Donathan isnt picked and has no chance at a sammie.  

There are actually extra puzzle pieces but the orange team of Michael, Sebastian, Chelsea, Kellyn and Jenna win.  They draw rocks and Angie goes to Ghost Island.  

Michael says that he is a big target but the reward is his chance to find cracks in Navidi.  He starts with how this is THE BEST MEAL EVER!!   And then smoothes on to offering himself up as a loyal vote since he's on the bottom and powerless.

Sebastian and Chelsea are like, "you never know....."

Kellyn sees this and thinks her plan to get Michael off next is on track.

On Ghost Island, Angie gets to play the game BUT chooses the wrong bamboo tube for a lost vote at the next tribal.  

On camp, Donathan asks Laurel if she's open to working with Des and she says that she feels safer with Dom and Wendell.  Laurel tells Dom that Des is trying to rally people against him and Wendell, telling him she is trying to get the Navidi girls to flip.  Dom thinks he has to do something.  

Dom tells Kellyn that Des wants to take out her, him and Wendell.  Kellyn doesn't believe it.  Says Chelsea can't possibly be against her.  She says that she, Des and Chelsea are tight so someone is lying.

Michael is worried that they are eager to get rid of him so he decides to find an idol.  He ends up looking with Donathan for it although thinks it's a bad idea to share an idol.  Donathan finds Scott's idol and we are treated to a long winded explanation as to who Scot is and why the idol has unfinished business.  This idol needs to be combined with another one hidden under the shelter.  Don is as anxious as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs, and he enlists Laurel, Jenna and Michael to cover him while he pulls the idol out.  I literally can't believe he got away with the keystone cop routine.  

Immunity challenge:  balance a ball on a disk holding 2 ropes.  Chelsea wins immunity.  

Des is happy that Kellyn lost immunity so she can put her plan into place.  Kellyn approaches Des and Chelsea and asks what happened, says Dom told her that they were gunning for her.  Desiree is FURIOUS and denies it saying Laurel is making shit up.  

Desiree confronts Laurel with Don and others around, telling her "you screwed up my plan", but then she sees Wendell nearby and yells at Laurel about her making up a story about Kellyn.  Des also confronts Dom and denies saying anything about him. Wendell and Kellyn.  Says she is on board with a Malolo going.  Dom talks to Laurel and is like, WTF??  They think she is trying to flip.  

Laurel and Jenna tell Kellyn that Des really did say she wanted Kellyn out.  

Des keeps denying it and saying they are tight.  Kellyn is confused but thinks it's not the time to blow Navidi up.  

Dom talks to Kellyn and tells her he wants Desiree gone for targeting them.  Kellyn says she wants Michael NOW.  WE'RE CALLING THE SHOTS NOW.  Dom tells her he thinks Laurel is telling the truth.

Tribal

Donathan tells Jeff the pressure is terrible and it "was lit today".  He says Des was LIT.

Desiree says there are fireworks whenever you hear your name.  She says the source was Laurel and since she doesn't beat around the bush she went to the source

Laurel says Desiree attacked her in front of the tribe because SHE was caught in a lie

Desiree WHAT LIE???

Laurel says that Desiree told the Malolo 4 that Dom, Wendell and Kellyn were running the show.  Said that she, Chelsea and Angie are on the bottom and want to make a move

Donathan says something like "I seen it"

Des is losing it and says she's only gonna say this once....I NEVER SAID I WAS ON THE BOTTOM

Donathan is all "mmmmhmmmmm, Honey

Jenna says that she approached them to get rid of Kellyn

Michael says that initially Des approached Laurel to yell at her about screwing up the plan but changed her story when Wendell walked up

Laurel agrees that's what happened

Desiree yells to Laurel YOU ARE ON THE BOTTOM AND YOU ARE STILL ON THE BOTTOM

Dom says every single person will walk up to you and swear they aren't lying

Wendell says that he is listening to see what the real story is

Michael says he still isn't comfortable

Don says this is the one opportunity to shift the game which is why he is PISSED because he knows what was said. HELL YES, THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE

Laurel says there is one shot to change the game if Navidi believes what is happening but they are all a cult

Jeff sounds like it's a perfect crime

Kellyn says she understands what everyone is saying but she is trying to figure out what is best for her.

Desiree says, let's just GET TO THE VOTE.

Vote (Angie has no vote)

Michael gets 2 votes and Desiree is THANK THE LORD voted out.  

So basically this week was all about who is the alpha male.  Chris vs Dom.  All day, all night, every minute of the episode is just one giant pissing testosterone all over the island thing.  Oh, and talking about pissing testosterone all over the place let me give a personal shout out to my dog, who is a NEW CHAMPION, Ch. Blacfriar's Casey Jones!!!  Yes, I am now that kind of a mom.  hahaha.  

This week was also about how many platitudes we can say in one hour.  I am getting out my bell and ringing it every time someone uses a phrase that has been scripted for them.  Because this week starts out with DROP YOUR BUFFS WE ARE MERGED!

It's now an INDIVIDUAL GAME (DING)
I'm now THAT MUCH CLOSER TO WINNING (DING)

It's like CHRISTMAS MORNING (DING)

We now have an EVEN PLAYING FIELD (DING)

Personally I am so freaking glad it's an individual game because I no longer have to keep track of who was Navidi and who was Malowlow.  We are now all Lavita, which isn't a brand name of an erection medication but should be a drug for low T.  

So it's lunch and new black buffs.  Dom gives a speech and my toes curled.  All about treasuring new relationships and renewing old ones.  Barf. 

 Chris gives a rap and I give no crap.  bom chuka bom bom.

Dom is totally annoyed at the rap.  Later Chris finds a clue in his buff that asks if he wants to RISK taking a boat to Ghost Island at night in order to get an idol.  Hell to the yes, yo.  He's a risk taka, y'allls. And the whitest person ever on Survivor.  

Dom and Wendell and a few others talk about whether or not to start out Navidi strong.  Most everyone wants just one night with a reprieve from blindsides and they just want to get rid of a Malowlow.  Dom isn't sure because of Chris.  Wendell tries to be a peace broker and brings Dom and Chris together.  Dom does an apology for that first day when he insinuated Chris had made a bad choice and asks if they can work together.  Chris is all asshole, "I haven't made up my mind...can't say yes right now".  Then a conga line of everyone else goes by with a bottle of something and Chris jumps up and is all "YO, can I get me some of dat??"  

Chris tells the camera that he's too suaveeeeey to fall for that.  

Dom and Wendell decide the gloves are off now.  

That night Chris sneaks off to Ghost Island saying he's "pretty clutch actually".  Which I think does not mean he's a purse without a handle.  He gets the idol that JT left at camp during a tribal when he felt safe and was blindsided.  The idol is now good for only the next vote but Chris can play the game and chose between bamboo tube pairs, 5 pairs with one half of the pair extending the idol one more tribal, or the other side costing him his vote at the next tribal.  Chris goes for it and extends the idol to another "week" but loses his vote at the next one.  He "def isn't gonna be THAT GUY who goes home with an idol in his pocket".  

The next morning Dom comments that Chris is cranky and tired and issuing orders at people.  Dom says "that SOB wants me gone".  And is it me or is there more cursing this season?  Survivor used to be more of a family show....

Chris tells people that Dom has an idol and they need to extinguish it.  Everyone is kind of amused because most of them know the idol Dom showed Chris is a fake.  Desiree says some thing about the only way to get him to use it is to blindside and Chris is all defensive since he never got the chance.  He says Dom is a LOSER, IDIOT, JOKE.....

Meanwhile Dom talks to the blonde girls I can still not keep straight-Jenna and Libby.  In actuality they are team Chris, thinking that although Chris is a target, he isn't a liar like Dom.  They're all pleased because "we have the control and the power now".  

Immunity Challenge

Stand on a bean while balancing a statue on a long pole.  Kellyn wins immunity.  She is pleased although "lines are truly being drawn in the sand tonight"

Chris goes to the water well with everyone but Dom and Wendell and talks about getting Dom and Wendell out.  Because of the idol he things they should split the vote.  Someone says that Dom and Wendell want Libby gone.  I can't figure out anyone at the water well because basically no one argues with Chris, who states "how is that not a great deal for everyone!!"

Dom and Wendell realize everyone but them have left camp.  Dom decides Chris has to go because of his out of hand ego.  He tells Wendell, "let's put together the numbers".  Wendell tells Dom he has an idol and offers it to Dom, who has, what, 3 other ones himself?  Dom is all, "I don't need to see it".  

Dom starts telling people to vote for Chris.  I'm a little concerned because he has no tact about who he is telling.  Donathan tells him NOT to tell Jenna and LIbby.  Wendell talks smack to Sebastian, telling him they know they are splitting the votes.  He tells him, and Jenna/Libby that it's time to chose as a side.  

The girls (Kellyn, Chelsea, Desiree and Angela talks about how the boys are going at each other and have lost sight of what is going on.  Desiree wants her pick, Libby, to go home and she tells the girls to vote for Libby.  

Dom says THIS IS MY MOMENT (DING)!

Chris says he's not sure if he needs to use his idol but there is BLOOD IN THE WATER (DING) and time to GO FOR THE KILL (DING DING).

Tribal

Chris says the game  has fully kicked in and he feels MORE ALIVE THAN EVER

Donathan is happy to have met everyone and says there are so many different connections happening

Jeff asks Sebastian (who has stayed out of the testosterone spraying) if his gut is telling him what to do and Seb says TOTS, MAN!!  He also says something, something DOUCHE, something something.  

Dom says he is re-assessing all the time and then proceeds to tell his version of the day one Chris story again.  He says Chris engages in interrogation not conversation, then he mentions finding and idol

Chris is all, oh how convenient he just found an idol.  Yes, asshole, because he LOOKED FOR ONE.

Dom pulls out the fake idol and puts it on.  He tells him he showed him the idol and couldn't get his love so now it's a SHOWDOWN

Chris says he showed him the idol but then goes into the ancient Angela vote history again.

Wendell reminds him that he jumped on Malowlow and blamed them for it when it was his own tribe

Chris says his gut says he can't trust Dom so he's totally cool with a SHOWDOWN

Angela says there were conversations that Dom and Wendell weren't privy too and that she thinks there are several plans going on.  She's just rolling with the majority.

Chris says there were talks and he was the leader

Jeff asks Dom if he is afraid everyone is against him and Wendell. Yep.

Libby mutters something about the STAKES, how there are 13 of them now, and bonds, alliances, trust but THE STAKES ARE HIGH (DING)
Kellyn says that the first merge tribal is always cuuuurrrrraaaaaaazzzzyyyy and she's glad she is safe.

Chris says you never know but he has developed trust, key alliances and he has GUT INSTINCTS.

Time to vote.  Anyone have an idol??  Dom gets up and says, not this one..... but he pulls out the legacy immunity and uses if for himself.

Libby gets 2 votes from Desiree and Angie, and Chris leaves with that unused idol in his pocket with all remaining votes.  Wendell say YOU'RE TRASH.  PUT THE MIC DOWN, BRO, USE AN ERASER.

Chris becomes the first member of the jury and please enjoy his shitty rap:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BE3DLW6SQwU&feature=youtu.be

Survivor

Here's the thing.  I could pretend I just noticed last week's update ended up in my unsent folder but that would be a dick move that someone like, say BRADLEY would make.  So let's not be Bradley's.  I never did my update last week!  And boy did I love having those extra 4 hours to myself!  Unfortunately last week was a tad bit important in the scheme of things so let's blow through it quickly and move on to this week.

First of all, DROP YER BUFFS.  And, like every season before it my husband turned to me and said, "do you think they plan when this is gonna happen or does it depend on the story line"?  Dunno honey.  But we are going from 2 tribes now to 3 with the new one a start up with no shelter.  I'm getting confused with which was the first, second or third iteration of these tribes so hang on. I'm using the original tribe colors.  

The new Orange is:  

James     

Michael   

Desiree  

Kellyn  

Angela       

New purple is:

Domenick         

Donathan 

Libby 

Chelsea   

Bradley 

New green is:         

Chris  

Sebastian        

Wendall               

Jenna               
Laurel   
       
Here's the fast summary.  Orange once again goes to Tribal, it's totally predictable and James goes home crushing my Pool dreams.

OK, now on to this week.

And, my formatting is messed up but I have shit to do today and don't have time to fix it.  

James went home and MIchael is all worried.  Decides he needs an idol, and the producers decide he needs an idol so HOLY SHIT WHAT ARE THE ODDS, he finds an idol.  Everyone was all, "oh he's prolly just looking for an idol".  Desiree says he's paranoid because he's easy pickins.  Michael finds the fake idol Ozzy made that someone gave to save someone else and they all ended up going home one after another so, wow, let's concoct a gay story about this fake stick having bad powers.  And let's be even gayer and say that little stick lived on Ghost Island for years and finally matured into a real idol.  Wow, it's like the freakin Island of misfit toys, although without Rudolf or toys.  

Challenge.  I think it's a repeat. The 3 teams are like spokes in a wheel but with ropes and they have to balance a platform in the middle with the ropes, while one at a time someone walks into the middle and balances another block until the blocks spell REWARD.  Wanna know?  Winning team gets a full on BBQ.  Second place gets just the chicken Kabobs that are sitting out in the sun for a while.  Final team gets nothing.  Someone goes to Ghost to watch over the baby sticks.

Purple and Green drop midway through and have to go back.  Orange is completely slow doing it.  Purple and green rebuild while green is still soooo slow. Then orange drops.  It's between purple and green and donathan has the last block.....Bradley is riding his ass about it.  Purple wins the full on BBQ while Green gets the salmonella.  Orange gets nothing.  

Oh, for Ghost Island they decide that the mystery needs to stay a mystery so they send Kellyn back for her second visit.  She breaks the urn, GAME ON.  She has basically a 2/3 open the bamboo odds that she risks by the 1/3 chance of losing her vote.  She has to dick around deciding and goes ahead and gets another vote. 

Back on purple Donathan and everyone are all excited they won and are talking about how they did it and how great and Bradley has a cob up his ASS ordering our little Donathan around and making people shut up and get his grub on.  Domenick says it's amazing how unaware Bradley is that he's a nasty SOB.  Donathan knows with 3 Navidi and only 2 Malolo "me and hers on the bottom" so he does his share of stoking the Brad is a dick fire. Dom is conflicted about getting rid of the SOB or keeping the numbers up for Navidi come merge.  But does he want to take that asshat into the merge?

The green tribe are eating their chicken and Chris is all happy because someone as big and lovely as him needs more food.  It's Wendell's girlfriend's birthday so they all sing happy birthday to Nicole.  Wendell is a bit sad but decides to channel his sadness into looking for an idol while everyone takes a nap and lets the salmonella perculate.  GUESS THE FUCK WHAT???  Wendell finds a "landmark tree" and scratches around it, finds a clue with a map to AN EVEN MORE LANDMARK tree where he finds an idol.  WHAT THE HELL ARE THE ODDS???  It's the big old immunity necklace Erik gave to Natalie and then was voted off like a dumbass.  This giant necklace also went to Ghost Island to marinate in those special magical idol growing powers and is now a full grown idol!  It's also one that ain't gonna be easy to hide in your pants!

Orange is starving.  Desiree is complaining as usual, and she gets Michael to help her burn the bad juju out of the Malolo flag.  

Immunity Challenge:  It's a jump in the water, swim 20 feet to a platform, climb up, jump off, get 2 sets of rings and then play with floating ring toss.  Jeff asks Orange if they are feeling more confident and they tell him they burned the flag.  I'm sure there is something in their contracts that says they aren't allowed to damage any of the set pieces because they have to go back to Ghost Island and become new things for next season.  

Green comes in first, and it's between Donathan and Michael, with Michael winning finally for Orange and Naviti going to tribal.

Basically it's 15 minutes of "do we get rid of Bradley or Libby??"  

Tribal

Dom is asked if there is still a Naviti vs Malolo split and he agrees that there is but to a lesser extent lately
Bradley, who no one is really sitting next to, says that you wouldn't notice that there was a divide because they are getting along SWIMMINGLY
Donathan says they are not really one big happy family and throws out there the Naviti ugly history of Dom getting hosed by the ousting of Morgan
Dom says that it still stings.
Libby explains her role in it saying she was loyal to I can't even remember who Dom wanted, which is why she voted Morgan instead
Bradley says that he could give Libby a counter point about what happened but then notes he wasn't there and is only talking out of his ass
Jeff stirs the pot by saying how intriguing it is that he has an opinion when he wasn't even there
Bradley says he could argue about the color of the sky, and that it's not really arguing just having a discussion and he wouldn't just be argumentative to be a dick because c'mon, I hate dicks like that.  He basically says he just likes to bring up dick points.
DEAD SILENCE
Dom says something about times when you think of a point but it's actually better to SHUT THE HELL UP
Chelsea says camp behavior is an important component of tribal votes and you need to be aware
Dom reiterates his vote is composed or trust, compatibility, and the relationships people may or may not have made with the other tribe. And then he looks at Chelsea and then at Bradley all dramatically

Vote: Libby 1, Blindsided Bradley all the rest.  

Told ya.  You do not want to be a dick like Bradley.