Ok, so Matty starts the episode sitting around carving his girlfriend a ring. Ace sits around jawboning about who he will lure into his alliance: "I just don't know who will be my potential Benedict Arnold." GAG. Who says shit like this??? Then he and Ace make a promise to stick together. I didn't catch if Matty actually gave Ace the ring to seal the promise and thereby getting himself engaged to the faux Englishman.
If it's Survivor, it must be all about rice. Dan eats too much of it and people are getting a little hot. Corrine is mad about the rice. Same thing over at Fang.
Ace corners Sugar and tells her in his smarmy English accent everyone knows she has the idol. Then, he lets this HUGE silence fill the hut. And, as anyone who has ever worked with someone with an English accent knows, he could have been reading the phone book and Sugar would have thought him jolly brilliant. So, to fill in the void, she offers him the idol to hold from her. Weeeeeelllllll, geee, I dunno about that Sugar. I gueeeeeeesssss I could HOLD it for you. He puts it in his pants and now has 2 precious idols in there. Oh, Sugar is wearing the leopard bathing suit today. She says to the camera, "I know he's a snake, but he's my snake".
Speaking of snakes (man, how do they get these people to just happen to say the perfect segways?) it's time for reward challenge. Chase the snake. Which, isn't what I was thinking it was going to be, darn it. Teams run around in a circle carrying a 200 lb snake and one team has to catch the other.
Fang sucks at this game. Sugar and Kelly drop out almost immediately. The Olympian goes out next. For Kota, Susie drops out about half of the way around the track. The rest keep up a great pace, including Orville in his buff bow tie. Man, can I just mention that he stays in the background because he is absolutely covered with dirt? It ends up being Matty and Ace carrying the snake getting chased by most of Kota. As Jeff says, "Not even close". OH, crap, I forgot. WANNA KNOW WHAT YOU'RE PLAYING FOR? Cheese danish and coffee/tea. Kota gets the food and gets to eat some in front of Fang. Crystal is in tears of frustration at losing again. Randy has the balls so say "wah wah wah" and grovel at how much he loves to win. Sugar gets sent to exile and cries at how unfair it is she gets to eat fruit while her tribe starves. Hey, do we know for sure that there is only one idol hidden??
Kota, leery about Dan's tapeworm, decides to split the pastries so people can eat them when they want. Dan SUCKS his down and wants to know what time dinner is. Um, ya just ate it you a-hole.
Kelly apparently hates tears cause she's all over Crystal for crying in front of Fang and showing her weakness. Which is rich considering NO ONE SHOWS THEIR WEAKNESS like lazy ass Kelly. Kelly and Ace go into the woods to talk about the crying incident (and, can I say it's not like she cried and dropped to the ground and did the 3 stooges roll in a circle tantrum). What pisses me off is Ace saying Sugar cries from emotion, which is not the same thing as Crystal's crying.
Kota catches a turtle and cooks it up (oh PETA....). For their sake I hope the next challenge comes with Rolaids. Randy-"slurp slurp I wuv this, grunt slurp" CLASS.
Immunity Challenge: teams are split into 3's, tethered, and they have to run into the jungle over and under some bamboo shit and untie a couple of pieces of a flagpole, which they have to put together at the end.
First up: Randy and Bob vs Sugar and Kelly. No contest. Kelly stops on the way back to look for some 4 leaf clovers. Next up, Corrine and Charlie vs Ace and Crystal. Ace keeps saying "come on" to Crystal but I notice Crystal is always in the lead of the 2. Ace gets whacked with the flagpoles but they make up some time. Finally, Dan and Marcus take on Matty and Ken. Matty and Ken kick ass and pass Kota. (note: anyone catch Jeff running along side to call the challenge? It was pretty funny) The 2 teams are neck and neck but Ace-hole has to put it together himself and Kota wins immunity.
Fang has to do the manipulations again. Crystal hates Ace and wants him out. Ace wants Kelly to go home. Matty wants to flush the idol out of Sugar but Ace stares him down and says "we don't have to worry about that wink wink". Crystal figures out that Matty is a fairy who keeps running back to Ace telling him everything everyone is saying. Ken goes after Sugar and has a conversation with her in the jungle (this from a man who couldn't hold a conversation with a woman on week 1) and she tells him she gave the idol to Ace. "Was that wrong? Should I get it back?" Um, HELL YES. Sugar takes the idol back and tells Ace she now has it. "You don't mind do you?" He now has no hard idols in his pants.
Tribal Council. Sugar is wearing her full out cat suit. How does she keep her clothes clean and how come she has so many of them? And, is it really wise to run around the jungle in animal print??
Jeff gives his instant pop psych diagnosis of no teamwork. Crystal almost has a seizure getting out that Ace wouldn't let anyone help with the flagpole. Kelly goes on about Crystal crying again, says "I didn't say it's a sign of weakness, I said it's a sign on being unstable". WHOA. Kelly throws Ace under the bus saying, "Ace said it too". Ace tells her "I'm surprised you understood anything I said". OOOOHHHHHH. But, if I can digress for one second here. PEOPLE, THE WORD IS FRUSTRATED NOT FUSTRATED. God, that just gets up my ass when people say that word wrong. Same with NUCLEAR but for god sake, let's not get into politics here.
In the end, Kelly (or Kelli as Ace spells it) is the 6th person votes out of Gabon.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Survivor Gabon: Week 4/5
OK, so the official CBS site has this as episode 5, which means week one was episode 1 and 2. And, if you care about those things, for total accuracy sake (and this summary is nothing if not accurate), I'll call it 5.
First off, we need more Probst this season. Write to your congressmen. He or She will probably be happy for a non-robocall complaint letter this season anyway.
Night 12. Ace is yammering on about Jacque going, and, wait, HIS ACCENT IS TOTALLY GONE. LOL. You damn poser. Sugar returns the next morning, all sunshine and light, and immediately explains that she spent the night in the Sugar Shack instead of looking for the idol. DING DING DING. Crystal's head whips around and she's convinced she has the idol.
Over on Kota Orville Redenbacker bags an electric fish. They also catch 5 other fish (which is it me or is someone calling them Tilapia?) and Randy think it's Thanksgiving. But, then again, maybe when you are in jail for Kiddie Porn over the holiday they do serve you fish.
This episode is brought to you by the Elephant Council. On Fang, Mattie finds an elephant and brings the whole tribe down to the water to ooh and aaah. Ace and Joey kayak out to get in this massive elephant's face. I don't know about you but I was friggin hoarse from yelling, "Kill the fake English one".
Reward Challenge: Fruit Toss. Wanna know what you're playing for" A friggin herb garden. Yea, that'll bring the wildlife a little closer to camp, won't it Jeff? So, basically in this challenge one person stands in front of a net with a pole and the other team has to throw fruit through the hole without it getting whacked. Man, HOW DO THEY THINK OF THIS STUFF??
The challenge goes pretty much the way you would think, one highlight being Ace getting whacked by a pineapple. Kota figures out to throw multiple pieces of fruit at once to confound the fruit whacker. Fang ends up with 16 lbs of fruit, Kota 18. Kota gets the herbs and sends Sugar back to exile. As she leaves, she tells Jeff "I already know the way", and probably also mouths-"and so do you big boy". Sugar fills herself up on.....fruit on Exile.
High on some herb, Dan gets all emphatic that the new Kota has to stay together against the evil Fang. It's kind of an uncomfortable moment. You can kind of see why he's a washed up lawyer.
On Fang, Crystal slips into mommy mode and while fighting with GC, she just keeps saying, "eat your rice". I kept waiting for the second part of that statement "cause there are kids starving in Africa" but they probably edited it out. Ace is observing this like the slimy fake limey he is.
Tree Mail: Some kind of gravity challenge. GC ain't used to all these damn white people and their talking and shit, so he takes the boat out and disappears. OOOOOH, maybe this is the death and dismembering episode. But, no, he returns just as the pissed off tribe is about to leave for the challenge.
Immunity Challenge: Human Pinball. Teams throw big Martha Stewart balls down a hill and into blindfolded team members who, with the help of a "caller" have to deflect the balls. Ace and Sugar are one blocking team and Dan/Randy are another. Sugar apparently has soured on Ace, as she totally sucks at this challenge. At one point, Ace gets hit with Dan's shield and falls to the ground crying like the damn English boarding school fairy he is. Dan and Randy rock it and, with a little help from a fake call from Randy, they win immunity.
Over on Fang, someone has to go. GC decides it's a little too hard out there for a pimp and begs to go. Crystal does a little bag sniffing and finds the idol in Sugar's bag. They talk up a good game about getting rid of Sugar now when she least expects it, but eventually GC is just too friggin annoying to keep around.
Bye GC.
First off, we need more Probst this season. Write to your congressmen. He or She will probably be happy for a non-robocall complaint letter this season anyway.
Night 12. Ace is yammering on about Jacque going, and, wait, HIS ACCENT IS TOTALLY GONE. LOL. You damn poser. Sugar returns the next morning, all sunshine and light, and immediately explains that she spent the night in the Sugar Shack instead of looking for the idol. DING DING DING. Crystal's head whips around and she's convinced she has the idol.
Over on Kota Orville Redenbacker bags an electric fish. They also catch 5 other fish (which is it me or is someone calling them Tilapia?) and Randy think it's Thanksgiving. But, then again, maybe when you are in jail for Kiddie Porn over the holiday they do serve you fish.
This episode is brought to you by the Elephant Council. On Fang, Mattie finds an elephant and brings the whole tribe down to the water to ooh and aaah. Ace and Joey kayak out to get in this massive elephant's face. I don't know about you but I was friggin hoarse from yelling, "Kill the fake English one".
Reward Challenge: Fruit Toss. Wanna know what you're playing for" A friggin herb garden. Yea, that'll bring the wildlife a little closer to camp, won't it Jeff? So, basically in this challenge one person stands in front of a net with a pole and the other team has to throw fruit through the hole without it getting whacked. Man, HOW DO THEY THINK OF THIS STUFF??
The challenge goes pretty much the way you would think, one highlight being Ace getting whacked by a pineapple. Kota figures out to throw multiple pieces of fruit at once to confound the fruit whacker. Fang ends up with 16 lbs of fruit, Kota 18. Kota gets the herbs and sends Sugar back to exile. As she leaves, she tells Jeff "I already know the way", and probably also mouths-"and so do you big boy". Sugar fills herself up on.....fruit on Exile.
High on some herb, Dan gets all emphatic that the new Kota has to stay together against the evil Fang. It's kind of an uncomfortable moment. You can kind of see why he's a washed up lawyer.
On Fang, Crystal slips into mommy mode and while fighting with GC, she just keeps saying, "eat your rice". I kept waiting for the second part of that statement "cause there are kids starving in Africa" but they probably edited it out. Ace is observing this like the slimy fake limey he is.
Tree Mail: Some kind of gravity challenge. GC ain't used to all these damn white people and their talking and shit, so he takes the boat out and disappears. OOOOOH, maybe this is the death and dismembering episode. But, no, he returns just as the pissed off tribe is about to leave for the challenge.
Immunity Challenge: Human Pinball. Teams throw big Martha Stewart balls down a hill and into blindfolded team members who, with the help of a "caller" have to deflect the balls. Ace and Sugar are one blocking team and Dan/Randy are another. Sugar apparently has soured on Ace, as she totally sucks at this challenge. At one point, Ace gets hit with Dan's shield and falls to the ground crying like the damn English boarding school fairy he is. Dan and Randy rock it and, with a little help from a fake call from Randy, they win immunity.
Over on Fang, someone has to go. GC decides it's a little too hard out there for a pimp and begs to go. Crystal does a little bag sniffing and finds the idol in Sugar's bag. They talk up a good game about getting rid of Sugar now when she least expects it, but eventually GC is just too friggin annoying to keep around.
Bye GC.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Amazing Race Week 3
Hootergate! This episode starts with the strangest accusations I've heard since my last McCain robocall. Christy accuses Starr of pushing her sports bra off the ledge at the last pitt stop. Christy and Kelly vow revenge. Um, I didn't think Christy's boobs were so big that the lack of a sports bra would disqualify them, but I maybe it was her lucky sports bra?
Teams must now fly to La Paz (not to be confused with La Pez, where everyone's neck spits out candy), which Phil informs us IS LITERALLLY BREATHTAKING. Once in La Paz, they have to find one of the many Simon Bolivar statues and wait for the morning paper delivery.
No airport drama this time around so we get lots if time for the teams to give their interviews. I go and get another beer at this point. Teams arrive in La Paz and find the traffic island with the Simon Bolivar statue. You know it's the right one because a woman IN WHAT IS TRADITIONAL BOLIVIAN GARB CIRCA 1950 hands them an AUTHENTIC BOLIVIAN BLANKET and they all settle down for a homeless sleepover.
Morning and everyone is putting on makeup and getting all gelled up for another day on TV. Nick takes the divorcees aside and tries to smooth things over with them related to hootergate. You immediately see WHY Christy and Kelly are divorced, when they still think Starr de-bra'd them at the last pitt stop. Nick walks away, no doubt muttering "bit^&s".
Sarah and Terence have decided to do a manage a trois and bring in a local girl to share in their miserable relationship. The newspapers are delivered and teams have to paw through the spanish newspapers to find the ad, IN A BOX AND IN ENGLISH, of a hat sale. Hmmm, that's rough. Teams have to make their way to a hat and shoe store and buy a TRADITIONAL CHOLITA HAT. Andrew and Dan find it first and jump in a cab, reading out loud "please hold on to your hat", ominously... The southern belles can't read and can't give the newspaper candy so they are the last to figure it out.
Detour: Music March or Bumpy Ride. "In Musical March, teams had to make their way on foot to two plazas several blocks apart where they needed to collect musicians and form a band. Then they had to make their way to Plaza Abaroa and exchange the band members for their next clue. In Bumpy Ride, teams made their way on foot to Mercado de las Brujas where they had to ride a locally crafted bicycle in a harrowing, bone rattling trip down cobblestone streets to Plaza Abaroa" (I'm just cutting and pasting that whole paragraph from cbs.com).
Locally crafted means "hewn" (I always wanted to use that word) out of wood. Actually they look like what Ax-murders get to do on craft day in prison. Andrew and Dan chose to make music together and TAKE OFF ON FOOT AS THE CLUE INSTRUCTS". Terence and Sarah jump in a cab to do the detour. Ooooooh. Good thing they have a spanish interpreter to help them out with the English clues. Mark and Bill miss that part as well and take a cab to the bike thing. Terence and Sarah read the clue in the cab, FREAK THE HELL OUT, and go back and walk on foot.
Music March: Andrew and Dan, Marissa and Brooke
Bikes: MARK/BILL, TERENCE/SARAH, KELLY/CHRISTY, TONI/DALLAS, NICK/STARR, KEN/TINA, TY/AJA
Anyone get why the bike riders have to wear helmets with feathers? I must have missed that part. What I didn't miss was the bad Karma getting beat out of Christy as she fell and SLAMMED her head against a wall while doing the bike challenge. (Becky-nice to hear you waited until you knew she was OK before laughing. I'm not that nice, obviously...). Mark is also almost killed when his "bike" careens through and intersection and is saved by a driver avoiding him. I expected the next Travelocity commercial to be all about their new "travel insurance".
Both detours arrive at the same plaza where a detour is waiting. (I'd explain what a detour is but Phil does a much better job) Also at the detour is the next clue directing them to Los Titanes Del Ring.
I have to hand it to Dallas and his mom. She is a real trooper and in pretty good shape. He lets her rest for a minute after completing the bike detour.
Arriving at Plaza , Nick & Starr propositioned Ty & Aja to U-turn Kelly & Christy.
The Cheaters arrive at Los titanes Del Ring and find out it's a ROADBLOCK. One team member has to hand over the hat to a lovely woman wrestler and then don tights and learn how to faux wrestle. Since the roadblock says, "who's ready for a fight", Ken heartily agrees. Ken looks really, um, like he's not going to be getting as many cheating opportunities once this clip is shown. He quickly learns the tricks and wrestles in front of the crowd. Tina is enjoying seeing him look like an idiot. They finish are receive their next clue to go to the Pitt stop. Although Ken made it look easy, a couple of the others have problems and have to go back for retraining.
Terence and Sarah see a red and yellow flag and have their cab driver stop while they investigate a local football game.
Waiting for Ty to wrestle, Aja walked up to Christy and told her that Starr asked them to U-turn Kelly & Christy. Hootergate is ON, baby.
Mark took 3 tries and a whiff of oxygen to finish the task.
Cheaters arrive first and a trip to Cabo, where Tina can continue her passive aggressive punishment. Apparently there's no penalty for Ken stealing the shirt, and I'm assuming the tights, from the wrestling roadblock.
Mark and Bill arrive at the Pitt Stop in 8th place, but receive a 30 minute penalty. Kelly and Christy step on the mat expecting to be eliminated but Phil is pleased to tell them that because of the penalty, they are in 8th place and have not been eliminated. Mark and Bill, on the other hand, are eliminated.
Teams must now fly to La Paz (not to be confused with La Pez, where everyone's neck spits out candy), which Phil informs us IS LITERALLLY BREATHTAKING. Once in La Paz, they have to find one of the many Simon Bolivar statues and wait for the morning paper delivery.
No airport drama this time around so we get lots if time for the teams to give their interviews. I go and get another beer at this point. Teams arrive in La Paz and find the traffic island with the Simon Bolivar statue. You know it's the right one because a woman IN WHAT IS TRADITIONAL BOLIVIAN GARB CIRCA 1950 hands them an AUTHENTIC BOLIVIAN BLANKET and they all settle down for a homeless sleepover.
Morning and everyone is putting on makeup and getting all gelled up for another day on TV. Nick takes the divorcees aside and tries to smooth things over with them related to hootergate. You immediately see WHY Christy and Kelly are divorced, when they still think Starr de-bra'd them at the last pitt stop. Nick walks away, no doubt muttering "bit^&s".
Sarah and Terence have decided to do a manage a trois and bring in a local girl to share in their miserable relationship. The newspapers are delivered and teams have to paw through the spanish newspapers to find the ad, IN A BOX AND IN ENGLISH, of a hat sale. Hmmm, that's rough. Teams have to make their way to a hat and shoe store and buy a TRADITIONAL CHOLITA HAT. Andrew and Dan find it first and jump in a cab, reading out loud "please hold on to your hat", ominously... The southern belles can't read and can't give the newspaper candy so they are the last to figure it out.
Detour: Music March or Bumpy Ride. "In Musical March, teams had to make their way on foot to two plazas several blocks apart where they needed to collect musicians and form a band. Then they had to make their way to Plaza Abaroa and exchange the band members for their next clue. In Bumpy Ride, teams made their way on foot to Mercado de las Brujas where they had to ride a locally crafted bicycle in a harrowing, bone rattling trip down cobblestone streets to Plaza Abaroa" (I'm just cutting and pasting that whole paragraph from cbs.com).
Locally crafted means "hewn" (I always wanted to use that word) out of wood. Actually they look like what Ax-murders get to do on craft day in prison. Andrew and Dan chose to make music together and TAKE OFF ON FOOT AS THE CLUE INSTRUCTS". Terence and Sarah jump in a cab to do the detour. Ooooooh. Good thing they have a spanish interpreter to help them out with the English clues. Mark and Bill miss that part as well and take a cab to the bike thing. Terence and Sarah read the clue in the cab, FREAK THE HELL OUT, and go back and walk on foot.
Music March: Andrew and Dan, Marissa and Brooke
Bikes: MARK/BILL, TERENCE/SARAH, KELLY/CHRISTY, TONI/DALLAS, NICK/STARR, KEN/TINA, TY/AJA
Anyone get why the bike riders have to wear helmets with feathers? I must have missed that part. What I didn't miss was the bad Karma getting beat out of Christy as she fell and SLAMMED her head against a wall while doing the bike challenge. (Becky-nice to hear you waited until you knew she was OK before laughing. I'm not that nice, obviously...). Mark is also almost killed when his "bike" careens through and intersection and is saved by a driver avoiding him. I expected the next Travelocity commercial to be all about their new "travel insurance".
Both detours arrive at the same plaza where a detour is waiting. (I'd explain what a detour is but Phil does a much better job) Also at the detour is the next clue directing them to Los Titanes Del Ring.
I have to hand it to Dallas and his mom. She is a real trooper and in pretty good shape. He lets her rest for a minute after completing the bike detour.
Arriving at Plaza , Nick & Starr propositioned Ty & Aja to U-turn Kelly & Christy.
The Cheaters arrive at Los titanes Del Ring and find out it's a ROADBLOCK. One team member has to hand over the hat to a lovely woman wrestler and then don tights and learn how to faux wrestle. Since the roadblock says, "who's ready for a fight", Ken heartily agrees. Ken looks really, um, like he's not going to be getting as many cheating opportunities once this clip is shown. He quickly learns the tricks and wrestles in front of the crowd. Tina is enjoying seeing him look like an idiot. They finish are receive their next clue to go to the Pitt stop. Although Ken made it look easy, a couple of the others have problems and have to go back for retraining.
Terence and Sarah see a red and yellow flag and have their cab driver stop while they investigate a local football game.
Waiting for Ty to wrestle, Aja walked up to Christy and told her that Starr asked them to U-turn Kelly & Christy. Hootergate is ON, baby.
Mark took 3 tries and a whiff of oxygen to finish the task.
Cheaters arrive first and a trip to Cabo, where Tina can continue her passive aggressive punishment. Apparently there's no penalty for Ken stealing the shirt, and I'm assuming the tights, from the wrestling roadblock.
Mark and Bill arrive at the Pitt Stop in 8th place, but receive a 30 minute penalty. Kelly and Christy step on the mat expecting to be eliminated but Phil is pleased to tell them that because of the penalty, they are in 8th place and have not been eliminated. Mark and Bill, on the other hand, are eliminated.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Survivor Africa Week 3
Wow, night 9 already. Who'd have though we could go 9 nights out in the African outback without a vicious animal attack. Damn it.
On Kota Ace is stewing over the fact that Kelly voted for him. Ace is a pain in the ass. After last week's comment about his accent being fake, I checked out his bio. He was born in, like, Florida, but raised in England. Went to English boys boarding school (some fancy name one). Uhuh. You KNOW what they say about those English boarding schools...Anyway, he's now a watch salesman. "Cartier", as in psssst, you wanna buy a Kartier watch?
Over on Fang, we're repeating the rice argument. haha. In my house the argument is usually, "didn't we have rice already once this year?" Randy now wants to go to once a day. Apparently he's backed up. Matty, Susie and Dan all go "fruit picking" which is code for forming an alliance since I don't see a whole lot of fruit laying around.
Challenge time: Rank your tribe mates on most useful or importance or something like that. It's done in private and Jeff reveals the results. For Kota: Marcus, Ace, Bob, Charlie, Jacque, Corrine, Sugar and then Kelly. For Fang: Matty, Dan, Randy (which is bullsh*t), Crystal, Ken, GC and then Susie. GC is pissed. Says, "Not 2 good for a Pimp" (which is from Hustle and Flow, a movie I highly recommend). Hey Sellman, remember when we had that living will discussion and I said you can pull the plug when my clothing doesn't match? Take note of Randy's outfit here-this is plug pullable.
So, SURPRISE, the whole point of this is to assist with picking new teams. Marcus and Matty get to be new team leaders and chose new members. Apparently even the crew can't stand this season anymore.
New Teams (Fang): Marcus, Dan, Charlie, Randy, Corrine, Susie and Bob
(Kota): Matty, Ace, Crystal, Jacque, Ken, Kelly ("cause she's hot") and the pimp. Sugar is unchosen and sent to Exile until someone's voted off.
Sugar goes to Exile to her "sugar shack" and just lays around for a couple of days. Hey, is it my imagination or is her suit reversible?
On Fang, Crystal notices that Kelly doesn't like Ace and Jacque.
Tree Mail is a lacrosse stick. WTF-was lacrosse invented in Africa? And, I gotta step up to the anti-racism platform here and ask why we don't get a lesson in African contributions to culture this time around like we got stuffed down our throats in China?
Immunity Challenge is water lacrosse. Everyone is in little boats with paddles and they are trying to knock a ball into a net. Randy has finally found his sport. Unfortunately, once off the island he's gonna have to go to Hershey Park's Water World to practice up. Ace, who has an overblown sense of his importance keeps leaving the net (he's supposed to be goalie) which results in another Randy score. Kelly sucks. Well, let me take that back. She would suck if she were actually playing the game. She's not too bad just sitting still in the boat. Ken sucks, which you pretty much would expect. Randy scores for the 3rd and final time, giving Kota immunity. Jeff points out that it was one of the worst performances ever. Dang, getting it from the Probster.
On Fang, another episode of "who are we getting rid of?" It seems a no brainer Kelly will be going. Despite their new alliance, Crystal, GC, and Ken want Kelly—at first. After jawing it over, they think Jacque is in too tight with Sugar and Ace and would be a threat when reunited. All are concerned about Ace having too much power, but no one seems to have the balls to vote him off. Matty goes to Jacque and tells her she might be voted off. Jacque then begins her campaign to stay in, working every angle she can muster. It will either be Kelly or Jacque. Could be either. Wish it were Ace.
Tiki torches are burning and the fake set is all lit up. Jeff asks his usual probing questions. No real drama. Time to vote. It's tight between Kelly and Jacque but surprisingly Jacque gets the boot.
On Kota Ace is stewing over the fact that Kelly voted for him. Ace is a pain in the ass. After last week's comment about his accent being fake, I checked out his bio. He was born in, like, Florida, but raised in England. Went to English boys boarding school (some fancy name one). Uhuh. You KNOW what they say about those English boarding schools...Anyway, he's now a watch salesman. "Cartier", as in psssst, you wanna buy a Kartier watch?
Over on Fang, we're repeating the rice argument. haha. In my house the argument is usually, "didn't we have rice already once this year?" Randy now wants to go to once a day. Apparently he's backed up. Matty, Susie and Dan all go "fruit picking" which is code for forming an alliance since I don't see a whole lot of fruit laying around.
Challenge time: Rank your tribe mates on most useful or importance or something like that. It's done in private and Jeff reveals the results. For Kota: Marcus, Ace, Bob, Charlie, Jacque, Corrine, Sugar and then Kelly. For Fang: Matty, Dan, Randy (which is bullsh*t), Crystal, Ken, GC and then Susie. GC is pissed. Says, "Not 2 good for a Pimp" (which is from Hustle and Flow, a movie I highly recommend). Hey Sellman, remember when we had that living will discussion and I said you can pull the plug when my clothing doesn't match? Take note of Randy's outfit here-this is plug pullable.
So, SURPRISE, the whole point of this is to assist with picking new teams. Marcus and Matty get to be new team leaders and chose new members. Apparently even the crew can't stand this season anymore.
New Teams (Fang): Marcus, Dan, Charlie, Randy, Corrine, Susie and Bob
(Kota): Matty, Ace, Crystal, Jacque, Ken, Kelly ("cause she's hot") and the pimp. Sugar is unchosen and sent to Exile until someone's voted off.
Sugar goes to Exile to her "sugar shack" and just lays around for a couple of days. Hey, is it my imagination or is her suit reversible?
On Fang, Crystal notices that Kelly doesn't like Ace and Jacque.
Tree Mail is a lacrosse stick. WTF-was lacrosse invented in Africa? And, I gotta step up to the anti-racism platform here and ask why we don't get a lesson in African contributions to culture this time around like we got stuffed down our throats in China?
Immunity Challenge is water lacrosse. Everyone is in little boats with paddles and they are trying to knock a ball into a net. Randy has finally found his sport. Unfortunately, once off the island he's gonna have to go to Hershey Park's Water World to practice up. Ace, who has an overblown sense of his importance keeps leaving the net (he's supposed to be goalie) which results in another Randy score. Kelly sucks. Well, let me take that back. She would suck if she were actually playing the game. She's not too bad just sitting still in the boat. Ken sucks, which you pretty much would expect. Randy scores for the 3rd and final time, giving Kota immunity. Jeff points out that it was one of the worst performances ever. Dang, getting it from the Probster.
On Fang, another episode of "who are we getting rid of?" It seems a no brainer Kelly will be going. Despite their new alliance, Crystal, GC, and Ken want Kelly—at first. After jawing it over, they think Jacque is in too tight with Sugar and Ace and would be a threat when reunited. All are concerned about Ace having too much power, but no one seems to have the balls to vote him off. Matty goes to Jacque and tells her she might be voted off. Jacque then begins her campaign to stay in, working every angle she can muster. It will either be Kelly or Jacque. Could be either. Wish it were Ace.
Tiki torches are burning and the fake set is all lit up. Jeff asks his usual probing questions. No real drama. Time to vote. It's tight between Kelly and Jacque but surprisingly Jacque gets the boot.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Amazing Race Week 2
This was actually a good episode for getting to know the contestants. Starting out, we get to see Terence and Sarah, the "newly and probably short-termed" dating couple at the pit stop, Camp Travelocity. Terence (and, dude, you need a nickname) is just a weirdo. He's obsessed with Sarah talking to anyone else. DING DING DING, I can hear the female alarm bells going off all over the country.
Brother and Sister Nick and Starr leave the Pit first at 4:00 am, and they have to fly to Brazil. One by one the teams depart for the airport. Nick and Starr and the Cheaters figure out that there is a plane leaving at 6:45 am but it has only one seat. SOMEHOW, the plane suddenly gets changed to a bigger plane (and, when the hell does that happen in the US???). Tina (Cheater Wife) of course takes credit for it and has to tell EVERYONE that she got them a bigger plane so they better pucker up. The plane has no assigned seating but Tina is assured from the check in lady that she will get a front row seat. Instead of getting in line, Tina walks around to everyone repeating her, "I got us a bigger plane" story. Of course, everyone else lines up to get on the plane. The Cheaters start a huge fight that since TINA GAVE BIRTH TO THE BIGGER PLANE, it's only fair they get the best seats. Anyone hear the hand of fate winding up?
OH, I forgot to mention that Terence bumped his head getting to the airport and is now neurotically nursing a head wound. Sarah, just get the hell out of that relationship.
Once in Brazil, they have to take taxi's to the Plaza do Cumbuco. The Cheaters and others at the front of the plane blindly run around looking for taxi's while the last teams off the plane figure the right way out quicker. Anthony and Stephanie get a bad cab. Ok, I gotta bag on these 2. They are not young and have been dating for a while but Anthony won't commit unless they win the Amazing Race and can afford to marry. haha. I think he's said this enough times over the years that Stephanie called his bluff and got them on the show. He wants them to be financially secure before they marry, although he's a mortgage broker (good luck with that these days) and she's a financial salesperson. Anyway, their cab has issues and Anthony gets out to slooooooowly push it. You think he really want to win and get married?
At Plaza do Cumbuco, teams are instructed to take dune buggies to the Barraca D Manuel where they get their next clues: Detour. Teams have to chose between Beach It, which means moving a boat into the water, or Docket, which is finding a clue in a storage container in a huge lot of storage containers.
Mark and Bill go the docket route. Ok, there 2 are hilarious. From their bios: "Mark and Bill, friends for over 23 years, first met at a science fiction club and have been bonding over their love for comics and games ever since" At one point when they find the clue they actually do, what I believe to be, an impersonation of Yoda.
Terence and Sarah finish the boat thing first but walk right by the taxi stand, and spend a while screaming at each other looking for a cab. The other teams, one by one, drive by. Finally, Mom and Son stop and tell them where to go.
The Blonde Divorcees, Kelly and Christie live up to their haircolor as they finish the boat thing but then begin to crazily dig in the sand looking for the container-um, the one mentioned in THE OTHER DETOUR. After watching 6 other teams finish the boat thing and then run for the taxi's, they give up the search and go to the cabs. There they re-read the clue and figure out there never was any container.
After the detour, teams head to Parque de Vaquejada and get a Roadblock. A Roadblock is a task that only one person can do. Just had to get that in. So, this is the weirdest roadblock and somehow something in the instructions are missing. They have a long wall with Brazilian words and places on it and somehow the contestants have to find their next destination. With no rhyme or reason, the contestants finally just write down everything and read the list one by one to the painter dude who gives them their next clue, leading to the Pit stop.
Ken and Bill and The Cheaters finish first and race to the mat. Cheaters are first to arrive and win a pair of ATV's. And, since there are 2 of them, they will be easy to divide in the final divorce.
Christy and Kelly again fail to read the clue and don't tell their taxi driver to wait. They finish but have to wonder around for a while looking for a cab.
All the other teams make it to the Pit, and it finally comes down to Anthony and Stephanie, who are eliminated and won't be getting hitched any time soon.
Brother and Sister Nick and Starr leave the Pit first at 4:00 am, and they have to fly to Brazil. One by one the teams depart for the airport. Nick and Starr and the Cheaters figure out that there is a plane leaving at 6:45 am but it has only one seat. SOMEHOW, the plane suddenly gets changed to a bigger plane (and, when the hell does that happen in the US???). Tina (Cheater Wife) of course takes credit for it and has to tell EVERYONE that she got them a bigger plane so they better pucker up. The plane has no assigned seating but Tina is assured from the check in lady that she will get a front row seat. Instead of getting in line, Tina walks around to everyone repeating her, "I got us a bigger plane" story. Of course, everyone else lines up to get on the plane. The Cheaters start a huge fight that since TINA GAVE BIRTH TO THE BIGGER PLANE, it's only fair they get the best seats. Anyone hear the hand of fate winding up?
OH, I forgot to mention that Terence bumped his head getting to the airport and is now neurotically nursing a head wound. Sarah, just get the hell out of that relationship.
Once in Brazil, they have to take taxi's to the Plaza do Cumbuco. The Cheaters and others at the front of the plane blindly run around looking for taxi's while the last teams off the plane figure the right way out quicker. Anthony and Stephanie get a bad cab. Ok, I gotta bag on these 2. They are not young and have been dating for a while but Anthony won't commit unless they win the Amazing Race and can afford to marry. haha. I think he's said this enough times over the years that Stephanie called his bluff and got them on the show. He wants them to be financially secure before they marry, although he's a mortgage broker (good luck with that these days) and she's a financial salesperson. Anyway, their cab has issues and Anthony gets out to slooooooowly push it. You think he really want to win and get married?
At Plaza do Cumbuco, teams are instructed to take dune buggies to the Barraca D Manuel where they get their next clues: Detour. Teams have to chose between Beach It, which means moving a boat into the water, or Docket, which is finding a clue in a storage container in a huge lot of storage containers.
Mark and Bill go the docket route. Ok, there 2 are hilarious. From their bios: "Mark and Bill, friends for over 23 years, first met at a science fiction club and have been bonding over their love for comics and games ever since" At one point when they find the clue they actually do, what I believe to be, an impersonation of Yoda.
Terence and Sarah finish the boat thing first but walk right by the taxi stand, and spend a while screaming at each other looking for a cab. The other teams, one by one, drive by. Finally, Mom and Son stop and tell them where to go.
The Blonde Divorcees, Kelly and Christie live up to their haircolor as they finish the boat thing but then begin to crazily dig in the sand looking for the container-um, the one mentioned in THE OTHER DETOUR. After watching 6 other teams finish the boat thing and then run for the taxi's, they give up the search and go to the cabs. There they re-read the clue and figure out there never was any container.
After the detour, teams head to Parque de Vaquejada and get a Roadblock. A Roadblock is a task that only one person can do. Just had to get that in. So, this is the weirdest roadblock and somehow something in the instructions are missing. They have a long wall with Brazilian words and places on it and somehow the contestants have to find their next destination. With no rhyme or reason, the contestants finally just write down everything and read the list one by one to the painter dude who gives them their next clue, leading to the Pit stop.
Ken and Bill and The Cheaters finish first and race to the mat. Cheaters are first to arrive and win a pair of ATV's. And, since there are 2 of them, they will be easy to divide in the final divorce.
Christy and Kelly again fail to read the clue and don't tell their taxi driver to wait. They finish but have to wonder around for a while looking for a cab.
All the other teams make it to the Pit, and it finally comes down to Anthony and Stephanie, who are eliminated and won't be getting hitched any time soon.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Survivor Update Week 3 (2 in my book)
So, week 2 of the show is already day 7, which surprised me. Fang, who is already down a couple people just realized they are running low on rice, so none of this eating 3 times a day. Randy says, "hell yes, I don't need to eat 3 times a day". No, Randy, in fact you could live off your belly fat for the entire 30 days. Today's Randy Weather: Sunny with a smattering of GC hatred.
Over on the Sunshine Tribe, they are at least eating better with the fishing equipment. But, not a lot of good chakras going down Ace's way. Paloma hates him. Sugar, on the other hand, is using all of her wily pole dancer skills on Ace. It appears to be working. Paloma at one point suggests that Ace's accent isn't even real. LOL. I was thinking the same thing. Ace is a "fashion photographer". 'Nuf said. Paloma is a waitress, which I think continues the 17 season unbroken string of nasty waitresses. Charlie, I believe, continues to function as the brains of this team.
Reward Challenge: POW Camp Hijinks. I really don't know what the real name given to this challenge was but is basically consisted of someone trying to hold onto a pole and getting the crap beat out of them by 2 members of the opposing team. Think Rodney King without the nightsticks.
First up, Ace assumes a zen position on his pole while GC and Matty attempt to rip him off. Dan takes on Marcus and Charlie, who I believe are getting a little too into it. Kota wins the first round. For the second round, Ace makes the ridiculous choice of having Paloma take a hit on the pole. Um, doesn't Sugar have some experience with hanging on poles? Susie takes the pole for Fang. Bob and Sugar attack for Kota , Cystal and Randy for Fang. This round lasts about 10 seconds as 90 lb Paloma is carried over the line.
Round 3: Ace and Dan back on the poles (I could not understand why so few people were used for this physical challenge), with Crystal and Matty taking on Ace, Marcus and Bob taking on Dan. This is a long drawn out ass whupping, with Crystal getting back to her Olympian fighting spirit. Unbelievable, Ace must have lost his magic mojo crystal, because Fang wins the challenge.
Fang gets bedding and the chance to send Sugar to exile.
On Kota, all are walking around suggesting Paloma getting her butt kicked sealed her fate. How about the fact that Ace made the DUMMEST call in putting her in? Just don't get it.
On Exile, Sugar chooses to look for the clue and BANGS right through all of the clues Dan missed in about an hour. She gets a clue and a map (don't think Dan got this) BANG she finds the LARGE sand pit and the second clue. BANG she finds the special tree, climbs it, and locates the next clue. BANG she wades through an alligator infested pond and finds the immunity idol. Along the way she tells us she's doing this to get over the loss of her dad.
On Kota, Corrine talks BOB into the alliance. Tree Mail and, thank god, bathing suits. Enough with the Calvin Kline man underwear. Immunity Challenge: Authentic African Slip N Slides are incorporated into a slide/swim/math puzzle/unlock a chest challenge. I'm going to skip to the chase on this one. The final part of the challenge, the math portion, comes down to BOB, the physics teacher and Ken, the gaming dweeb. I think Jeff tried to explain how you have to take the derivative of the second number times the integer of the first number, squared, times the number of days on the show minus the cost of the huts used in the tribal council set ($5) to solve the puzzle, but I was just looking for that peeking chest hair again. Bob gets it first—but it’s wrong. Ken gets it—but it’s wrong. Bob gets it—but it’s wrong. Ken gets it—and it’s correct! Fang wins immunity!!
Over on Kota, Sugar comes back all crying about how hard it is on exile, and nobody even asks her if she found the idol 'cause she's just a dumb blond. She actually is a dumb blond because she tells her Ace in the hole that she has it. He reveals his master plan to win Survivor: Vote off Paloma and then Kelly. Um, yea, there's a few more people you gotta worry about Ace. Paloma tries to save her ass by telling Corrine that Ace has everybody in an alliance (really?) and Corrine starts leaning toward getting rid of Ace. But of course you know they are contractually bound to at least try to make the vote look interesting.
Paloma is the 3rd person voted off.
Over on the Sunshine Tribe, they are at least eating better with the fishing equipment. But, not a lot of good chakras going down Ace's way. Paloma hates him. Sugar, on the other hand, is using all of her wily pole dancer skills on Ace. It appears to be working. Paloma at one point suggests that Ace's accent isn't even real. LOL. I was thinking the same thing. Ace is a "fashion photographer". 'Nuf said. Paloma is a waitress, which I think continues the 17 season unbroken string of nasty waitresses. Charlie, I believe, continues to function as the brains of this team.
Reward Challenge: POW Camp Hijinks. I really don't know what the real name given to this challenge was but is basically consisted of someone trying to hold onto a pole and getting the crap beat out of them by 2 members of the opposing team. Think Rodney King without the nightsticks.
First up, Ace assumes a zen position on his pole while GC and Matty attempt to rip him off. Dan takes on Marcus and Charlie, who I believe are getting a little too into it. Kota wins the first round. For the second round, Ace makes the ridiculous choice of having Paloma take a hit on the pole. Um, doesn't Sugar have some experience with hanging on poles? Susie takes the pole for Fang. Bob and Sugar attack for Kota , Cystal and Randy for Fang. This round lasts about 10 seconds as 90 lb Paloma is carried over the line.
Round 3: Ace and Dan back on the poles (I could not understand why so few people were used for this physical challenge), with Crystal and Matty taking on Ace, Marcus and Bob taking on Dan. This is a long drawn out ass whupping, with Crystal getting back to her Olympian fighting spirit. Unbelievable, Ace must have lost his magic mojo crystal, because Fang wins the challenge.
Fang gets bedding and the chance to send Sugar to exile.
On Kota, all are walking around suggesting Paloma getting her butt kicked sealed her fate. How about the fact that Ace made the DUMMEST call in putting her in? Just don't get it.
On Exile, Sugar chooses to look for the clue and BANGS right through all of the clues Dan missed in about an hour. She gets a clue and a map (don't think Dan got this) BANG she finds the LARGE sand pit and the second clue. BANG she finds the special tree, climbs it, and locates the next clue. BANG she wades through an alligator infested pond and finds the immunity idol. Along the way she tells us she's doing this to get over the loss of her dad.
On Kota, Corrine talks BOB into the alliance. Tree Mail and, thank god, bathing suits. Enough with the Calvin Kline man underwear. Immunity Challenge: Authentic African Slip N Slides are incorporated into a slide/swim/math puzzle/unlock a chest challenge. I'm going to skip to the chase on this one. The final part of the challenge, the math portion, comes down to BOB, the physics teacher and Ken, the gaming dweeb. I think Jeff tried to explain how you have to take the derivative of the second number times the integer of the first number, squared, times the number of days on the show minus the cost of the huts used in the tribal council set ($5) to solve the puzzle, but I was just looking for that peeking chest hair again. Bob gets it first—but it’s wrong. Ken gets it—but it’s wrong. Bob gets it—but it’s wrong. Ken gets it—and it’s correct! Fang wins immunity!!
Over on Kota, Sugar comes back all crying about how hard it is on exile, and nobody even asks her if she found the idol 'cause she's just a dumb blond. She actually is a dumb blond because she tells her Ace in the hole that she has it. He reveals his master plan to win Survivor: Vote off Paloma and then Kelly. Um, yea, there's a few more people you gotta worry about Ace. Paloma tries to save her ass by telling Corrine that Ace has everybody in an alliance (really?) and Corrine starts leaning toward getting rid of Ace. But of course you know they are contractually bound to at least try to make the vote look interesting.
Paloma is the 3rd person voted off.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Amazing Race Week 1
Ding...fries are done. Gotta get this update out before tonight's show. The first one is always the hardest when you don't know the teams yet.
Season 13 of the Amazing Race kicked off from LA, and might I say that Travelocity must be raking it in since they took off in Mercedes. Teams took off driving to the airport to get a flight to Salvador Brazil. Anyone else wonder how the hippies ("beekeepers") were going to get through airport security with all of their drugs? Although I'm not sure LAX is equipped with beard-sniffing dogs.
On the drive to the airport we get to learn a few things about the contestants: Ken and Tina are separated Christians, 'cause he shagged outside of marriage, Toni is a single mom to Dallas and newly dating Terence and Sarah aren't going to be together at the end of the 11 legs.
Either I never noticed it last time, or this is the first time they had a marked ticket counter for the Amazing Race. Even the clue apparently said, "go to the MARKED counter", although a couple of teams missed out on that and stood in the terrorist line. Aja and Ty finally figured it out and set off a stampede to the correct counter. I can see why American is not a sponsor, since AS USUAL the American flight had an hour and a half delay. While waiting, Nick and Starr approached the Cheaters (my team, Ken and Tina) to form a loose alliance.
On the American flight: Mark & Bill, Ken & Tina, Nick and Starr, Terence & Sarah, Aja & Ty, and Kelly & Christy. On United: Andrew & Dan, Toni & Dallas, Anthony & Stephanie, Marisa & Brooke, and Anita & Arthur.
Once in Brazil teams have to take a taxi to a sandwich shop, "O Rei Do Pernil" where they have to take a coffee cart through the streets of Brazil and up the funicular to get their next clue leading them to a military base for a night spent under mosquito nets and a sign up sheet for one of 3 departure times. 9 am departures for Terence & Sarah, Mark & Bill, Nick & Starr, and The Cheaters. 9:30 departures for Aja & Ty Kelly & Christy and the fastest couple from the United flight, frat boys Andrew & Dan. 9:45 for Marisa & Brooke, Anthony & Stephanie, Toni & Dallas, and Anita & Arthur.
In the morning teams had to get cabs and go to a church for their next clue: DETOUR. And, once again, thanks to Phil for reminding us all after 13 seasons what a detour is. Detour is hard way up or soft way down, which I thought was not helpful for the Cheaters who are trying to forget that little marriage detour. All but the frat boys, chose soft way down and had to climb down a cargo net. I believe the frat boys felt that their 4 years of experience doing pub crawls would help them with the task at hand.
After completing the Detour, teams were instructed to go to the Pit Stop at Forte Sao Marcelo. The Cheaters and Nick and Starr got down the cargo net first but the Cheaters jumped in a taxi rather than ask for directions. Nick and Starr found out they needed to take a close ferry and they managed to get the first boat for a first place finish. Frat boys crawled up the steps to the most annoying example of Brazilian street music, only to be asked how many steps did you just climb up. LOL. Duh, let's go back and count this time.
At the end, the hippies who were forced to leave their speed behind were eliminated. Which is a shame because we didn't really get to know how freaky they really were. I don't know about anyone else but one look at all that grey hair and I didn't even want to know what the drain in their shower looks like.
Season 13 of the Amazing Race kicked off from LA, and might I say that Travelocity must be raking it in since they took off in Mercedes. Teams took off driving to the airport to get a flight to Salvador Brazil. Anyone else wonder how the hippies ("beekeepers") were going to get through airport security with all of their drugs? Although I'm not sure LAX is equipped with beard-sniffing dogs.
On the drive to the airport we get to learn a few things about the contestants: Ken and Tina are separated Christians, 'cause he shagged outside of marriage, Toni is a single mom to Dallas and newly dating Terence and Sarah aren't going to be together at the end of the 11 legs.
Either I never noticed it last time, or this is the first time they had a marked ticket counter for the Amazing Race. Even the clue apparently said, "go to the MARKED counter", although a couple of teams missed out on that and stood in the terrorist line. Aja and Ty finally figured it out and set off a stampede to the correct counter. I can see why American is not a sponsor, since AS USUAL the American flight had an hour and a half delay. While waiting, Nick and Starr approached the Cheaters (my team, Ken and Tina) to form a loose alliance.
On the American flight: Mark & Bill, Ken & Tina, Nick and Starr, Terence & Sarah, Aja & Ty, and Kelly & Christy. On United: Andrew & Dan, Toni & Dallas, Anthony & Stephanie, Marisa & Brooke, and Anita & Arthur.
Once in Brazil teams have to take a taxi to a sandwich shop, "O Rei Do Pernil" where they have to take a coffee cart through the streets of Brazil and up the funicular to get their next clue leading them to a military base for a night spent under mosquito nets and a sign up sheet for one of 3 departure times. 9 am departures for Terence & Sarah, Mark & Bill, Nick & Starr, and The Cheaters. 9:30 departures for Aja & Ty Kelly & Christy and the fastest couple from the United flight, frat boys Andrew & Dan. 9:45 for Marisa & Brooke, Anthony & Stephanie, Toni & Dallas, and Anita & Arthur.
In the morning teams had to get cabs and go to a church for their next clue: DETOUR. And, once again, thanks to Phil for reminding us all after 13 seasons what a detour is. Detour is hard way up or soft way down, which I thought was not helpful for the Cheaters who are trying to forget that little marriage detour. All but the frat boys, chose soft way down and had to climb down a cargo net. I believe the frat boys felt that their 4 years of experience doing pub crawls would help them with the task at hand.
After completing the Detour, teams were instructed to go to the Pit Stop at Forte Sao Marcelo. The Cheaters and Nick and Starr got down the cargo net first but the Cheaters jumped in a taxi rather than ask for directions. Nick and Starr found out they needed to take a close ferry and they managed to get the first boat for a first place finish. Frat boys crawled up the steps to the most annoying example of Brazilian street music, only to be asked how many steps did you just climb up. LOL. Duh, let's go back and count this time.
At the end, the hippies who were forced to leave their speed behind were eliminated. Which is a shame because we didn't really get to know how freaky they really were. I don't know about anyone else but one look at all that grey hair and I didn't even want to know what the drain in their shower looks like.
Survivor Africa Week 1 Part 2
When we left off, Jeff had just extinguished the ugly inside and out Michelle's torch. Team Fang headed back to camp with GC as it's new leader. Next morning GC starts to lead, giving out a few orders and Crystal just stands around with a "what choo talking 'bout" look on her face. Ever positive Randy announces it's time for the "let everyone crash and burn" while I stand around looking stupid strategy.
During the next night, the elders (Randy and Colleen) are snoring up a storm and GC gets up to do the laundry. Next, a few of the others join him and sit around the ol campfire talking. Colleen busts on them that there's time enough in the daytime for talking, let me sleep. (Karen, I did in fact, think of you...) Funny, I always thought old people didn't need as much sleep. GC gets pissed and quits as leader.
Over on Kota, Marcus, Charlie, Jacque and Corrine form an alliance. Corrine is living up to her self proclaimed "bitch".
Challenge Time: It's called Rolling Stone but it is really Rolling Ball of Paper Mache. Funny how they found 2 boulders with the exact, perfectly round shape, one with red and one with orange squares glued on them. Fang shows up wearing charcoal war paint to inspire themselves. Wanna know what you're playing for? Immunity up for grabs plus fishing gear. Ok, first of all, all we see is wild animals roaming around, and 2 small alligator filled ponds, and they give them fishing gear? C'mon, haul out the rifles and bullets and let's have some real eating.
Both teams push the paper mache balls through some gates, climb up and get some keys, unlock some padlocks and then have to roll the balls into little bamboo squares. Kota does a better job of acting like the ball is really heavy and is rewarded with the win. Dan is sent to exile "island" (yes, my husband did wake up and say, "wait, there are islands in the middle of Africa??).
Once on exile, he gets to chose a clue or comfort (which, in my mind, an apple and an open air hut is not comfort). He chooses a clue which states he has to look in the sandy crater across the way. Um, I'm not any big genius, but I believe by the use of the words "sandy crater" would have indicated it wasn't in the middle of the lake. Idiot. He then proceeds to dig in the grass randomly, just like my dog does.
Back at Fang, Colleen is still blowing smoke up their butts: "I know we lost but we're getting better". Although I want to, I'll skip giving you all the "this kind of false self esteem bullcrap is what's wrong with America" speech this time-but know it's coming. Knowing someone has to go, Colleen and Susie discuss how the young 'ums are going to start kicking off the elderly. Randy manages to use his reading glasses to make a fish hook and catches a fish. The Fang tribe declares themselves "survival experts".
Dan drags his butt back from exile and is really out of it. The others think he's acting strangely and believe he found the idol. What a friggin joke. At tribal council Dan dumps his back to prove that he does not have it. In the end, Gillian is voted off. Randy looks pleased.
During the next night, the elders (Randy and Colleen) are snoring up a storm and GC gets up to do the laundry. Next, a few of the others join him and sit around the ol campfire talking. Colleen busts on them that there's time enough in the daytime for talking, let me sleep. (Karen, I did in fact, think of you...) Funny, I always thought old people didn't need as much sleep. GC gets pissed and quits as leader.
Over on Kota, Marcus, Charlie, Jacque and Corrine form an alliance. Corrine is living up to her self proclaimed "bitch".
Challenge Time: It's called Rolling Stone but it is really Rolling Ball of Paper Mache. Funny how they found 2 boulders with the exact, perfectly round shape, one with red and one with orange squares glued on them. Fang shows up wearing charcoal war paint to inspire themselves. Wanna know what you're playing for? Immunity up for grabs plus fishing gear. Ok, first of all, all we see is wild animals roaming around, and 2 small alligator filled ponds, and they give them fishing gear? C'mon, haul out the rifles and bullets and let's have some real eating.
Both teams push the paper mache balls through some gates, climb up and get some keys, unlock some padlocks and then have to roll the balls into little bamboo squares. Kota does a better job of acting like the ball is really heavy and is rewarded with the win. Dan is sent to exile "island" (yes, my husband did wake up and say, "wait, there are islands in the middle of Africa??).
Once on exile, he gets to chose a clue or comfort (which, in my mind, an apple and an open air hut is not comfort). He chooses a clue which states he has to look in the sandy crater across the way. Um, I'm not any big genius, but I believe by the use of the words "sandy crater" would have indicated it wasn't in the middle of the lake. Idiot. He then proceeds to dig in the grass randomly, just like my dog does.
Back at Fang, Colleen is still blowing smoke up their butts: "I know we lost but we're getting better". Although I want to, I'll skip giving you all the "this kind of false self esteem bullcrap is what's wrong with America" speech this time-but know it's coming. Knowing someone has to go, Colleen and Susie discuss how the young 'ums are going to start kicking off the elderly. Randy manages to use his reading glasses to make a fish hook and catches a fish. The Fang tribe declares themselves "survival experts".
Dan drags his butt back from exile and is really out of it. The others think he's acting strangely and believe he found the idol. What a friggin joke. At tribal council Dan dumps his back to prove that he does not have it. In the end, Gillian is voted off. Randy looks pleased.
Survivor Africa: Week 1 Part 1
Ok, so I can just hear the new people saying, what the heck? I heard this chick that runs the pool is all brilliantly funny and writes the most amazing summaries, and for the last 6 days I've been checking my email about as often as I've been checking the election blogs on huffington post, and every day it's the same thing. Nothing. Well, suck it up people cause I am not a happy camper about being the first person voted off this season. You know the person? At the reunion show, the one where you go, "oh yea, I kind of remember that zit faced skank girl". Yea, that girl. Was. Mine. So, once and for all, for those of you who I KNOW have always thought that I cheat and keep the best player for myself, you owe me a BIG FAT apology.
So, on to the brilliantly funny summary.
Cue the video of the charging elephants, and the gorillas and some other antelope thing, and play the APPARENTLY ENDLESS Lion King soundtrack. God, I was going to start a drinking game (for those of you new, I pick some inane thing that someone says or does about every 3 minutes and pretend it's a drinking game so that I'm not pathetically sitting watching Survivor and getting hammered) with elephants but I would have been on the floor in half an hour.
In walks the survivors from across the veld (impressed with my vocabulary yet??) and it's one of those "in your street clothes" seasons. Show of hands, who else would show up at the airport and every minute until the show started in the most useful, comfortable, multi-layered clothes?? They stroll out of the bush and bam, there's the shining god of Jeff Probst. Hmmmmmm. Anyone else notice that little tuft of chest hair peaking out? Heavenly. OK, so they resort to some lame excuse about Africa respecting their elders to have Orville Redenbacker and Glenda the good witch chose teams.
Orville is a sharp dude, Glenda is a total idiot. Orville's team is Kota, and when Jeff announces that Glenda's team is Fang, my long suffering husband almost snaps his neck looking up and saying, "did he say the team name is THONG??" . Down boy, time enough for pixilation.
Let me just bag on a couple of the contestants first and get it out of the way:
Ken-the professional video gamer. Like, dude, is that a career?? Or is that what your parents call you to their friends instead of admitting you are a college graduate still living at him watching TV all day.
Randy-Mr. Hawaiian shirt. Under his name it keeps saying wedding videographer, although he hates marriage. Yea, hmmm, how come the bride is always out of focus in the pictures, you woman hater? Weddings may be his job but I know I'm not the only one who thinks kiddie porn is his hobby.
Crystal-former Olympian. Uhuh. More on this later.
Sugar-who I think used to be called Jessica until the cbs website changed her name. She's a pinup model. Bulls$%$t. She's a pole dancer.
Danny-who is now called G-Sizzle, which he abbreviates as GC. Say what? Wouldn't that be GS??
First challenge: run up the hill. Damn, they are going for broke this year. First 2 up the hill get immunity, but the first TEAM gets a bag of corn and beans. I think they go for Beano next week. Kota gets up the hill first and gets the carbs, Marcus and GC get immunity. Old lady Gillian (aka Glenda) gets hauled up the hill as, surprise surprise, does Crystal, the Olympian. Man, see what happens America when we stop using steroids? Pathetic.
Off to camps. Obligatory scary animal footage. Kota has a camp with shelter, a boat, a dock. Fang either got lost and went to the wrong camp or they got screwed. Gillian tries to cheer Tribe Thong up by blowing magic fairy dust up their butts but it ain't working. About an hour into the show, Kiddie Porn man is already sick of her voice. Ken, who I don't think has been with a woman (and, by that I mean in the same room) in 5 years is smitten by the pizza and sullen faced Michelle.
On Kota, Ace "I'm the full package" is giving out the orders while Orville Redenbacker basically macrames a roof on the huts. Charlie (gay lawyer, not that there's anything wrong with that) hits on Marcus, who informs us there are "not 2 Adams here".Nighttime and those DANGEROUS animals abound. OH MY GOD, Kiddie Porn has been attacked by an elephant!! Oh, wait, he hit his head on the doorway.
Day 3: Michelle (pizza face) is MISERABLE. Tree mail: Immunity Challenge coming up. Kota: Quick, let us get into our underwear and do some yoga.
Immunity Challenge: teams are in bondage, traipsing through a leech-filled swamp, over a wall, under something, dig for puzzle pieces, win immunity and flint. Basically it's an ass-whupping. Kota wins immunity.
Usual dynamics pre-tribal council. Gillian thinks they all did a great job. Michelle thinks "they are all retarded". Off to THE MOST FAKE TRIBAL COUNCIL SET EVER. Really, ever. One knocked over torch and it's all going up. You just know there are going to be "authentic" cannibals later this season. Jeff is looking fabulous, although anyone else think he dyed his hair?? Dan didn't get the memo that Tribal Council will now be dress down and he is wearing a tie. Jeff asks a question and all hell breaks out. Yea, they need a leader. GC is chosen by default. Lemme go count (and reorganize) the votes. Pizza face, you need to bring me your torch.
So, on to the brilliantly funny summary.
Cue the video of the charging elephants, and the gorillas and some other antelope thing, and play the APPARENTLY ENDLESS Lion King soundtrack. God, I was going to start a drinking game (for those of you new, I pick some inane thing that someone says or does about every 3 minutes and pretend it's a drinking game so that I'm not pathetically sitting watching Survivor and getting hammered) with elephants but I would have been on the floor in half an hour.
In walks the survivors from across the veld (impressed with my vocabulary yet??) and it's one of those "in your street clothes" seasons. Show of hands, who else would show up at the airport and every minute until the show started in the most useful, comfortable, multi-layered clothes?? They stroll out of the bush and bam, there's the shining god of Jeff Probst. Hmmmmmm. Anyone else notice that little tuft of chest hair peaking out? Heavenly. OK, so they resort to some lame excuse about Africa respecting their elders to have Orville Redenbacker and Glenda the good witch chose teams.
Orville is a sharp dude, Glenda is a total idiot. Orville's team is Kota, and when Jeff announces that Glenda's team is Fang, my long suffering husband almost snaps his neck looking up and saying, "did he say the team name is THONG??" . Down boy, time enough for pixilation.
Let me just bag on a couple of the contestants first and get it out of the way:
Ken-the professional video gamer. Like, dude, is that a career?? Or is that what your parents call you to their friends instead of admitting you are a college graduate still living at him watching TV all day.
Randy-Mr. Hawaiian shirt. Under his name it keeps saying wedding videographer, although he hates marriage. Yea, hmmm, how come the bride is always out of focus in the pictures, you woman hater? Weddings may be his job but I know I'm not the only one who thinks kiddie porn is his hobby.
Crystal-former Olympian. Uhuh. More on this later.
Sugar-who I think used to be called Jessica until the cbs website changed her name. She's a pinup model. Bulls$%$t. She's a pole dancer.
Danny-who is now called G-Sizzle, which he abbreviates as GC. Say what? Wouldn't that be GS??
First challenge: run up the hill. Damn, they are going for broke this year. First 2 up the hill get immunity, but the first TEAM gets a bag of corn and beans. I think they go for Beano next week. Kota gets up the hill first and gets the carbs, Marcus and GC get immunity. Old lady Gillian (aka Glenda) gets hauled up the hill as, surprise surprise, does Crystal, the Olympian. Man, see what happens America when we stop using steroids? Pathetic.
Off to camps. Obligatory scary animal footage. Kota has a camp with shelter, a boat, a dock. Fang either got lost and went to the wrong camp or they got screwed. Gillian tries to cheer Tribe Thong up by blowing magic fairy dust up their butts but it ain't working. About an hour into the show, Kiddie Porn man is already sick of her voice. Ken, who I don't think has been with a woman (and, by that I mean in the same room) in 5 years is smitten by the pizza and sullen faced Michelle.
On Kota, Ace "I'm the full package" is giving out the orders while Orville Redenbacker basically macrames a roof on the huts. Charlie (gay lawyer, not that there's anything wrong with that) hits on Marcus, who informs us there are "not 2 Adams here".Nighttime and those DANGEROUS animals abound. OH MY GOD, Kiddie Porn has been attacked by an elephant!! Oh, wait, he hit his head on the doorway.
Day 3: Michelle (pizza face) is MISERABLE. Tree mail: Immunity Challenge coming up. Kota: Quick, let us get into our underwear and do some yoga.
Immunity Challenge: teams are in bondage, traipsing through a leech-filled swamp, over a wall, under something, dig for puzzle pieces, win immunity and flint. Basically it's an ass-whupping. Kota wins immunity.
Usual dynamics pre-tribal council. Gillian thinks they all did a great job. Michelle thinks "they are all retarded". Off to THE MOST FAKE TRIBAL COUNCIL SET EVER. Really, ever. One knocked over torch and it's all going up. You just know there are going to be "authentic" cannibals later this season. Jeff is looking fabulous, although anyone else think he dyed his hair?? Dan didn't get the memo that Tribal Council will now be dress down and he is wearing a tie. Jeff asks a question and all hell breaks out. Yea, they need a leader. GC is chosen by default. Lemme go count (and reorganize) the votes. Pizza face, you need to bring me your torch.
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