Survivor Africa: Week 1 Part 1

Ok, so I can just hear the new people saying, what the heck? I heard this chick that runs the pool is all brilliantly funny and writes the most amazing summaries, and for the last 6 days I've been checking my email about as often as I've been checking the election blogs on huffington post, and every day it's the same thing. Nothing. Well, suck it up people cause I am not a happy camper about being the first person voted off this season. You know the person? At the reunion show, the one where you go, "oh yea, I kind of remember that zit faced skank girl". Yea, that girl. Was. Mine. So, once and for all, for those of you who I KNOW have always thought that I cheat and keep the best player for myself, you owe me a BIG FAT apology.

So, on to the brilliantly funny summary.

Cue the video of the charging elephants, and the gorillas and some other antelope thing, and play the APPARENTLY ENDLESS Lion King soundtrack. God, I was going to start a drinking game (for those of you new, I pick some inane thing that someone says or does about every 3 minutes and pretend it's a drinking game so that I'm not pathetically sitting watching Survivor and getting hammered) with elephants but I would have been on the floor in half an hour.

In walks the survivors from across the veld (impressed with my vocabulary yet??) and it's one of those "in your street clothes" seasons. Show of hands, who else would show up at the airport and every minute until the show started in the most useful, comfortable, multi-layered clothes?? They stroll out of the bush and bam, there's the shining god of Jeff Probst. Hmmmmmm. Anyone else notice that little tuft of chest hair peaking out? Heavenly. OK, so they resort to some lame excuse about Africa respecting their elders to have Orville Redenbacker and Glenda the good witch chose teams.

Orville is a sharp dude, Glenda is a total idiot. Orville's team is Kota, and when Jeff announces that Glenda's team is Fang, my long suffering husband almost snaps his neck looking up and saying, "did he say the team name is THONG??" . Down boy, time enough for pixilation.

Let me just bag on a couple of the contestants first and get it out of the way:
Ken-the professional video gamer. Like, dude, is that a career?? Or is that what your parents call you to their friends instead of admitting you are a college graduate still living at him watching TV all day.
Randy-Mr. Hawaiian shirt. Under his name it keeps saying wedding videographer, although he hates marriage. Yea, hmmm, how come the bride is always out of focus in the pictures, you woman hater? Weddings may be his job but I know I'm not the only one who thinks kiddie porn is his hobby.
Crystal-former Olympian. Uhuh. More on this later.
Sugar-who I think used to be called Jessica until the cbs website changed her name. She's a pinup model. Bulls$%$t. She's a pole dancer.
Danny-who is now called G-Sizzle, which he abbreviates as GC. Say what? Wouldn't that be GS??

First challenge: run up the hill. Damn, they are going for broke this year. First 2 up the hill get immunity, but the first TEAM gets a bag of corn and beans. I think they go for Beano next week. Kota gets up the hill first and gets the carbs, Marcus and GC get immunity. Old lady Gillian (aka Glenda) gets hauled up the hill as, surprise surprise, does Crystal, the Olympian. Man, see what happens America when we stop using steroids? Pathetic.

Off to camps. Obligatory scary animal footage. Kota has a camp with shelter, a boat, a dock. Fang either got lost and went to the wrong camp or they got screwed. Gillian tries to cheer Tribe Thong up by blowing magic fairy dust up their butts but it ain't working. About an hour into the show, Kiddie Porn man is already sick of her voice. Ken, who I don't think has been with a woman (and, by that I mean in the same room) in 5 years is smitten by the pizza and sullen faced Michelle.

On Kota, Ace "I'm the full package" is giving out the orders while Orville Redenbacker basically macrames a roof on the huts. Charlie (gay lawyer, not that there's anything wrong with that) hits on Marcus, who informs us there are "not 2 Adams here".Nighttime and those DANGEROUS animals abound. OH MY GOD, Kiddie Porn has been attacked by an elephant!! Oh, wait, he hit his head on the doorway.

Day 3: Michelle (pizza face) is MISERABLE. Tree mail: Immunity Challenge coming up. Kota: Quick, let us get into our underwear and do some yoga.

Immunity Challenge: teams are in bondage, traipsing through a leech-filled swamp, over a wall, under something, dig for puzzle pieces, win immunity and flint. Basically it's an ass-whupping. Kota wins immunity.

Usual dynamics pre-tribal council. Gillian thinks they all did a great job. Michelle thinks "they are all retarded". Off to THE MOST FAKE TRIBAL COUNCIL SET EVER. Really, ever. One knocked over torch and it's all going up. You just know there are going to be "authentic" cannibals later this season. Jeff is looking fabulous, although anyone else think he dyed his hair?? Dan didn't get the memo that Tribal Council will now be dress down and he is wearing a tie. Jeff asks a question and all hell breaks out. Yea, they need a leader. GC is chosen by default. Lemme go count (and reorganize) the votes. Pizza face, you need to bring me your torch.