Sooo, Russell shuffles off to Redemption Island. "My whole tribe lost the challenge to get rid of me...Liars. Matt's a rookie, Ima take him out." Idiot Matt: "Russell, you're my favorite person". Russell: "Ima take it from him...my entire tribe is gonna come here. Ima gonna make them sleep out in the mud". Show of hands, who wants to work for Russell in the real world?? LIttle men with little dicks have little brains. (Bumper stickers ARE available).
On O: Phillip is sweeping. Rob: "He's weird. Who goes on Survivor wearing pink tighty whiteys with his stuff flipping out?" Phillip: "These kids don't understand me. I'm disadvantaged by the social game. I gotta show another side". LOL. I doubt he has another side.
On Z: Stephanie and Krista are stuck with "goobers" and are laying out on the beach. Ralph, back at camp away from these two tells the other 6 that he has the idol. "I got them captured to take me farther in the game".
Who wants to go witness the duel on Redemption?? Phillip and Kristina want to go. Phillip: "With my government background I can read the situation and get some good intel". For Z, Sarita and Ralph go.
Duel: Good VS Evil. Jeff is in medium blue. It's a domino challenge. Damn, I was really hoping for a spirograph-off.
Matt finished laying his dominoes first, He falls short and has to restack. Russell gives his a try and misses. It's a restacking race. And...Matt wins!!! Oh GLORY BE TO THE GOD OF DOMINOES. The pizza AND the puzzles.
Russell goes home. Ahhhhhh. He cries. "It's hard to be a professional quarterback with peewees on the team". Ralph takes offense at Russell’s remarks says, "I found the idol in 15 seconds". Sarita tells him "Don't do it" under her breath. He then says he faked it. Hmmm, lie or not? Russell is pleased that Ralph spilled the beans about his idol in front of everyone and asks Ralph to show him the idol. He refuses but CIA man, Phillip believes he has the idol. Russell gets in his final dig: "See Jeff, I get to remain in the game through Phillip and Kristina".
O: Rob declares it a beach day, because he wants time to look for the idol. He makes up a game called Royal Treatment. Then he tells everyone he's constipated to explain his long absences. About the time they ask, "Where's Rob??" he finds the idol.
Z: "Matt won". Ding Dong. Russell is gone, but Stephanie and Kristina are still team Russell.
O: Phillip tells Kristina not tell anyone that Ralph has the idol. She thinks he's a big wind bag. "I'm gonna let him dig his own grave".
Phillip pulls Rob and Grant aside, tells him he knows who on Z has the idol and what the alliances are. "Is that valuable enough information to keep Kristina in the game?" Rob is pissed. "Hey dumb ass, aren’t you in my alliance? Don’t you work for me?” Rob agrees to Phillip's face, and Phillip spills all. Rob and Grant realize he's untrustworthy and needs to go.
Tree mail. Teamwork and ruggedness, Trust. Julie: We need to win this challenge. Karma is against us.
Challenge. Jeff is in dark blue. It's a total CRAFTSMAN (co-marketing ding ding ding) tool use challenge. Build shit, and nail nails. It's also another clay tile discrimination challenge. Here's the actual instructions: "Both tribes will make their way over a balance beam where they will use a crow bar to open a crate and retrieve a shovel. The shovel will be then be used to dig to find an axe, which will be used to chop a log that will release a rope holding two saws. The saws will be used to cut through a wall releasing planks. The planks will be used to complete a ramp that will get the entire tribe to the top of a platform where they must hammer three nails to break three tiles. The final step is to put the toolbox containing all the tools used in the challenge on top of the table on the platform." Yes, it's the Shop Class final. Wanna know what you're playing for?? A Sears BBQ set and food.
Screw it, Team Z wins immunity due to Sasquatch's nailing skills. The get the food. Mike, the Iraq vet: "I'm so hungry I haven't thought about sex in 2 weeks". Ladies, now we know how to get out of sex. STOP COOKING!!. Ralph is sucking stuff out of his nails. GROSS ME THE HELL OUT.
Phillip calls a pre-tribal meeting. "I thought we did good. Anyone got anything they want to discuss??" Crickets.
Phillip is a total pain in the ass. The women all hate him. Kristina sees an opening and trash talks him. Kristina talks to Natalie. Says, "there must have been a clue when we won reward so someone must have the idol by now". This surprises Natalie, that Kristina is no longer looking for the clue. Natalie talks to Rob, who is glad they don't suspect him. "Hmm, does she maybe have it??" He thinks that even though Phillip is annoying as hell, Kristina is dangerous. "Let's send her home, but split the vote just in case she has the idol".
Ashley and Grant take a walk, Ashley vents about Phillip. Grant agrees he is a total lose cannon. He talks to Rob but Rob still thinks Kristina needs to go first. "I just hope these people stay in line". Phillip talks to Rob. Rob tells him Kristina, which pissed Phillip off. He thinks Rob is not a man of his word and "I need to be prepared to make my move".
Tribal. Medium Blue. Meh.
Kristina, are you on the hotseat? Yes. I started off on the wrong side of the numbers. Hopes for a second chance.
Natalie: Second chances are great
Grant: People can get a second chance
Rob: Is it too late?
Kristina thinks people should vote the most disruptive person off
Phillip: I'm a doer. Kristina is disruptive
It's obviously Kristina vs Phillip.
Phillip goes on a rant. I have a tribe history. Says some shit about a Shephard Stamp, a dead mom...a medal...some shit. I'm better than Kristina.
Kristina: I'm a valuable member, smart and trustworthy.
She's also the next person voted off Survivor and onto Redemption Island.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Survivor Update: Ding Dong the Witch is Dead...Maybe
Soooo, we finally get to see some action at Redemption Island. Matt shows up, with none of his stuff since he was so damn sure it wasn't gonna be him. Francesca: "Dude, what the hell are you doing here?? Why wasn't it Phillip??" "Rob is a scoundrel."
Back on O, Rob is all happy. Phillip was a good soldier and Kristina used her idol. "Phillip, you're now in the alliance". "Tomorrow I have to get Andrea back on our side..."
Redemption tree mail: Follow the path to the arena for a duel. Loser goes home for good. On Z and O, the get messages that each tribe can send 2 representatives, chosen by colored marbles. For Z, it's Steve and Dave. For, O it's Ashley and Andrea. Rob's not happy with Andrea getting to see Matt.
Redemption Duel: Jeff is in dark blue. Andrea yells out, "I didn't vote for either of you two". It's an old challenge. They're behind a "wall" of cheap Home Depot bamboo sticks, and they have to build a a pole to get 3 keys and open 3 locks.
Francesca gets her pole going really fast and gets key #1. Matt's stick falls apart. Francesca gets key #2, Matt's stick falls apart. Francesca's stick isn't long enough to get the last key and it falls apart. Matt gets his shit together and gets key 1 and 2. One key left for each of them, and Matt wins. Matt stays alive and Francesca is the first person off this season.
The girls return to O camp telling them that Matt is really pissed off, but they didn't get to talk to him.
Rob talks to Andrea. "I'm sorry...It wasn't just me, 4 people did it. You're still in our alliance". Andrea: "It's smart for me to stay part of the alliance but I don't trust them....(she cries) they sent my only friend away". Oh jeebus.
Over on Z: "The black chick won and the blonde kid left". They want Russell to think he has to fight "the black chick" so he's surprised when he gets there an it's Matt.
Russell: It's 6-3, I gotta find the idol. Ralph, aka Sasquatch is watching him look. "This is not Russell's game no more".
They can't find the idol, so Stephanie suggests they make a fake one and pretend she has it in her bag. She's all acting like her bag is suddenly filled with gold bars, and Steve notices. Russell: "I tell them what to do and they do it for me". Ugh.
Ok, WTF. Apparently prior to Survivor Russell shaved his armpits and now he has a big old rash. God I hope he shaved his balls too. "He's just sitting in his tent all day with his concubines". Great line!! Steve wants him gone. "Would it make sense to throw a challenge and get rid of him?? Most people are good with that but Julie is torn. What if O starts getting on a roll and they just gave up a person? Steve: "If I give a thumbs up, we're throwing the challenge". Usually I am totally against this, but not this season!!
Challenge: Jeff is in Light Blue. It's the waterboarding challenge again. 3 people are strapped to a wheel, they are rotated into water where they fill up their mouths and then spit in a funnel. Once it fills up, they do a puzzle on the atrocities at Abu Graib. Wanna know what you're playing for?? Chairs, pillows, blankets, lanterns...and immunity. Z decides to throw it. Sarita and Sasquatch sit out, and Julie is not happy.
O gets to the puzzle first. You have to build a maze and run a ball through. Rob is the puzzle master. David is doing the puzzle for Z, or rather he is just staring at it like it's too hard for him to even begin it. Rob wins.
Russell: "If I didn't know any better I'd think they threw the challenge. I'm dealing with a bunch of bitches".
O. Rob thinks there is probably a clue to a re hidden idol somewhere on the new stuff. Everyone is looking for it. He looks at one of the chairs but then sees Phillip napping in the other one. "Dude, you're breaking the chair with your fat ass...get up". Phillip moves to the first chair and Rob finds the clue. "Let me go put a new screw in this chair..." Phillip just keeps napping. It's a real vague clue.
Z: Julie wants to know what the plan is. We split the votes 3-3 between Russell and Stephanie. Russell tells his concubines it is stupid to throw a challenge. They need to flip someone. He sends Stephanie to talk to Julie. Julie says, "I'd like my chances better with someone who has been here before..." Russell tells her, "I got your back. They pick Ralph to vote off. "This would be the biggest move ever".
Tribal-Jeff is in Dark Blue. YES. Be right there darling!! I'll bring the quarters for the magic fingers bed!
Ralph: Fist time at tribal? It's good and bad. There are 2 teams on our tribe
Steve: 6 solid, and 3 not solid
Sarita: I think the problem is Russell and his legacy. He came in and gave a fancy speech that he has changed, and it's not the case.
Russell: I'm not playing that game. It felt like people threw the challenge today
Mike: It's true, we didn't go 100% today. We've got some fat to trim.
Julie: I'd rather we merge with the numbers
Stephanie is just a bitch. "The majority of the tribe forget that Russell is important"
Steve: We did not throw the challenge.
On and on. Stephanie is just a crazy nasty bitch!!
They vote. What will Julie do??? She comes through and it's a 3 way tie. No idol. They revote. Russell is voted off!! Yay!!!
"I'll be back...be ready"
Stephanie to Julie: "The storms a coming."
Russell: "I'm pissed. I wanted to bitch slap every one of them".
Getting good!!!
Back on O, Rob is all happy. Phillip was a good soldier and Kristina used her idol. "Phillip, you're now in the alliance". "Tomorrow I have to get Andrea back on our side..."
Redemption tree mail: Follow the path to the arena for a duel. Loser goes home for good. On Z and O, the get messages that each tribe can send 2 representatives, chosen by colored marbles. For Z, it's Steve and Dave. For, O it's Ashley and Andrea. Rob's not happy with Andrea getting to see Matt.
Redemption Duel: Jeff is in dark blue. Andrea yells out, "I didn't vote for either of you two". It's an old challenge. They're behind a "wall" of cheap Home Depot bamboo sticks, and they have to build a a pole to get 3 keys and open 3 locks.
Francesca gets her pole going really fast and gets key #1. Matt's stick falls apart. Francesca gets key #2, Matt's stick falls apart. Francesca's stick isn't long enough to get the last key and it falls apart. Matt gets his shit together and gets key 1 and 2. One key left for each of them, and Matt wins. Matt stays alive and Francesca is the first person off this season.
The girls return to O camp telling them that Matt is really pissed off, but they didn't get to talk to him.
Rob talks to Andrea. "I'm sorry...It wasn't just me, 4 people did it. You're still in our alliance". Andrea: "It's smart for me to stay part of the alliance but I don't trust them....(she cries) they sent my only friend away". Oh jeebus.
Over on Z: "The black chick won and the blonde kid left". They want Russell to think he has to fight "the black chick" so he's surprised when he gets there an it's Matt.
Russell: It's 6-3, I gotta find the idol. Ralph, aka Sasquatch is watching him look. "This is not Russell's game no more".
They can't find the idol, so Stephanie suggests they make a fake one and pretend she has it in her bag. She's all acting like her bag is suddenly filled with gold bars, and Steve notices. Russell: "I tell them what to do and they do it for me". Ugh.
Ok, WTF. Apparently prior to Survivor Russell shaved his armpits and now he has a big old rash. God I hope he shaved his balls too. "He's just sitting in his tent all day with his concubines". Great line!! Steve wants him gone. "Would it make sense to throw a challenge and get rid of him?? Most people are good with that but Julie is torn. What if O starts getting on a roll and they just gave up a person? Steve: "If I give a thumbs up, we're throwing the challenge". Usually I am totally against this, but not this season!!
Challenge: Jeff is in Light Blue. It's the waterboarding challenge again. 3 people are strapped to a wheel, they are rotated into water where they fill up their mouths and then spit in a funnel. Once it fills up, they do a puzzle on the atrocities at Abu Graib. Wanna know what you're playing for?? Chairs, pillows, blankets, lanterns...and immunity. Z decides to throw it. Sarita and Sasquatch sit out, and Julie is not happy.
O gets to the puzzle first. You have to build a maze and run a ball through. Rob is the puzzle master. David is doing the puzzle for Z, or rather he is just staring at it like it's too hard for him to even begin it. Rob wins.
Russell: "If I didn't know any better I'd think they threw the challenge. I'm dealing with a bunch of bitches".
O. Rob thinks there is probably a clue to a re hidden idol somewhere on the new stuff. Everyone is looking for it. He looks at one of the chairs but then sees Phillip napping in the other one. "Dude, you're breaking the chair with your fat ass...get up". Phillip moves to the first chair and Rob finds the clue. "Let me go put a new screw in this chair..." Phillip just keeps napping. It's a real vague clue.
Z: Julie wants to know what the plan is. We split the votes 3-3 between Russell and Stephanie. Russell tells his concubines it is stupid to throw a challenge. They need to flip someone. He sends Stephanie to talk to Julie. Julie says, "I'd like my chances better with someone who has been here before..." Russell tells her, "I got your back. They pick Ralph to vote off. "This would be the biggest move ever".
Tribal-Jeff is in Dark Blue. YES. Be right there darling!! I'll bring the quarters for the magic fingers bed!
Ralph: Fist time at tribal? It's good and bad. There are 2 teams on our tribe
Steve: 6 solid, and 3 not solid
Sarita: I think the problem is Russell and his legacy. He came in and gave a fancy speech that he has changed, and it's not the case.
Russell: I'm not playing that game. It felt like people threw the challenge today
Mike: It's true, we didn't go 100% today. We've got some fat to trim.
Julie: I'd rather we merge with the numbers
Stephanie is just a bitch. "The majority of the tribe forget that Russell is important"
Steve: We did not throw the challenge.
On and on. Stephanie is just a crazy nasty bitch!!
They vote. What will Julie do??? She comes through and it's a 3 way tie. No idol. They revote. Russell is voted off!! Yay!!!
"I'll be back...be ready"
Stephanie to Julie: "The storms a coming."
Russell: "I'm pissed. I wanted to bitch slap every one of them".
Getting good!!!
Monday, March 7, 2011
Bachelor: Fear and Loathing
First up, this week is the return of the bitching Ho's. I usually don't blog that craziness BUT I would consider it for a couple of donations to my 3Day Walk. Show me some love, people!!
So, we're all in South Africa. Which is really nice, and all cute fuzzy animals. No apartheid, no Nelson Mandela, no white rule. Just cute fuzzy animals as far as Brad and the womens are concerned. Final 3: Ashley, Emily and Chantel, which rhymes with clientele and always makes me think of Fergie.
This week Brad wants to "talk" to all of the womens on an intimate level. Intimate is the word of the week. Intimate, intimate, intimate. As if Brad would know intimate if it bit him on the balls, and he sent that woman home already.
He has a "strong connection" with these 3 ladies. There is an EASE with Chantel, although their ride has been a "roller coaster" because she actually has emotions. Ashley has "so much to offer (aka a steady dentist paycheck), they are comfortable except when Ashely has questions and insecurities about me dry humping several other womens. Speedbumps, he calls them. Are speedbumps better or worse than roller coasters? Emily is "one in a million". LMFAO. Yes, dumb blondes incapable of holding even a modest conversation really are hard to find, Brad. He's a much better person with her...she makes him giddy. He wants a "sweet" woman but this one has an intimidating past.
It's overnight date week. He's excited. He's also "terrified of being alone, but I've made enough changes to not end up alone. One of these womens will be my wife". Uhuh. I got $20 says that ain't never happening.
First date is with Chantel in Sabi Sands. It's a safari date. Baby monkeys, Chantel reliving telling Brads he lurves him. They meet and hug. Get in the open air safari bus. "I'm here looking at the bush with a beautiful woman". hmmmm. Ooh, Lions! MAUL THEM, MAUL THEM!!! Brad really wanted to see lions and ABC managed to drug a couple and lay them out in the bush. Ooh, Giraffe. "That is a pretty animal...This is his home". Brad is a freaking genius. Elephants, zebra, African music playing, rhinos. Picnic time. The guide leads them to the river holding a shotgun. So you know it's dangerous. LOL. Now Brad is off on his fear/danger relationship building test bullshit. WTF??
They eat their picnic lunch with a hippo. The overcoming fear bullshit she says is a metaphore for their relationship. Brad: "I miss your family...how's their money doing?" blah blah blah. Really, it's all bullshit. "We're weeks away from something that could change our lives".
Dinner, outside. Chantel: "I want to meet your family". He gets kinda weird. "I get all intense about family. Ooh, should I say this? I'm the most comfortable around you. I like that side of me around you (didn't he say the same about Ashley 5 minutes ago??) My heart is open". Chantel: "Let's get married now" "Would you do that??" "I take the engagement seriously, and if I'm going to get engaged I mean to get married". "I like that about you, the spontenaity...I need that in my life".
The Chris Harrison date shag card arrives. She reads it, "Let's go!!" What happens in the fantasy suite stays in the fantasy suite. Theirs is a real treehouse. Out in the open with apparently no plumbing. Yea, my fantasy too. I wonder what kind of mosquito born diseases you can get in South Africa??
Date 2 is Emily. Ugh, I am dreading this one. They meet, big hug. "Hang on, I need to get something..." He leaves her and then comes riding in on an elephant. "It's my dream...it's like the lion king only better". Brad, if you marry her you will get to watch The Lion King (Disney Productions, DING) 25,000 times in the next 2 years. "Ricky would love the baby elephants". Brad: "I miss your daughter". Mostly because he is way more into the kid than her, like most gay men are. "Does she understand what it means if we spend more time together?" "I dunno, she's kind of stupid like me. I'm ready to find out. Are you?" Brad, with all the swagger of a man who has never spent 30 minutes with a child, "I'm ready". "I'd never ask you to a MOVIE unless you knew I saw you as a packaged deal".
Big hug and kiss. Brad: "The conversation was perfect." What an idiot.
Dinner. He's nervous, she's falling in lurve. Emily: "I'm focusing on my relationship with you but, the other women are bugging me." "I'm ready for this to be over. Don't question anything about me. I'm excited about you, Ricky and me".
Fantasy shag card. This is why he is nervous. "I'm a mom, and I want to set a good example for her. Like by going on this ho-bag show to find a man....BUT I want to shag you in private, but slowly so nobody at home knows I slept with you". They go to the suite. It's kinda boring after the tree house. She tells him she's falling in lurve with him. "I didn't expect that at all". He tells her he's falling in lurve with her too. "He makes me the happiest person on the world...Brad is the right person for me."
Let me say, right now, before we go to Ashley's date. If he DOES NOT chose Emily, and has been stringing her along he is going to have to move to Libya to live in a country where he is not the most hated man.
Date 3: Ashley. After meeting her family, I have questions. They meet and go to a helicopter. She freaks out. Not in a good way. She is terrified. It's her biggest fear, and we know he likes that. She's terrified but they take off in the helicopter. Hey, my husband won me by NOT making me do shit I didn't want to do. Exhibit A: camping.
"Africa is a large land filed with exotic animals". Zzzzzz. They go to God's window, which is just a rock in the mountains, and picnic. I also think he likes his women to face their fears of peeing outside.
"I love your family". Brad: "Where do you want to live?" She actually gives a real answer, not the expected "wherever you want to live daaarling. "I don't know, near people I love." He doesn't like that answer. Brad: "You are so driven. Can you allow yourself to live a life while you are trying to succeed?" Again, she gives a complex answer to the complex question, "It's a good question I ask myself. I want to be a good dentist, to keep current, I want to go to conferences." Brad tells her "You remind me of myself at your age....like becoming a dentist is totally relatable to opening a couple of bars in Texas...I wonder if I could have had more balance in my life". "We would have been in the same place 10 years ago". The date goes downhill from here. Brad:" We've never talked about meshing our lives together". Hmmm, he is looking for a reason to ditch her.
Dinner. "I have more questions than before". Jeez. She thinks they are on a path moving forward and this has been good deep conversation. Which would be a positive for anyone other than Brad, who has no interest in deep. Ashley:" It was a very cool day...you made me think. I think we want the same things but I didn't communicate to you what I meant." Brad:" We've never talked about our future together...When I asked you where you wanted to live, you never mentioned Austin". He is so not into her anymore. "Why are we spending so much time reassuring each other??" "You're looking for someone who will easily fit into your life".
She's pissed, and just eating. Brad: "I'm happy to be here." Ashley:" I had no idea you had so many concerns". Fantasy suite card. Good timing. She wants to go. "I'm glad you're here...kiss". It could not be more awkward. "We're totally off our game..."
Rose Ceremony time! Brad chats with Chris. This is the most difficult rose ceremony. Ashley and I had a difficult date. We both shut down. I know what my decision should be but I have to talk to Ashley first.
Rose ceremony. Ashely looks like she ate her way through the mini bar, and is squeezed into an awful brown dress. Brad clears his throat 10 times. "Ashley can we talk?" He walks her half way out the door. "Our date sucked, I'm sorry. I'm shocked that our relationship went so bad". "Me too, what happened?" Brad:" I came loaded with questions and I backed you into a corner." "Why do we have problems??" "I don't know if I can fit into your life."
"I need to tell you goodbye". Wow, it really is that brusque. "I'm confident in the decision, so let me walk you out". Me yelling at the teevee "YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER ASHLEY!!! LET EMILY SETTLE FOR THIS IDIOT".
"Things can change so quickly". Not really, Brad. Not if it's real. Maybe your therapist can explain that to you.
He comes back, mumbles something about Ashley. Scratches his ear for about 5 minutes, them gives out the 2 roses. Emily is all confident and cocky.
In 2 weeks, it's off to Capetown to meet his family. They don't live in Capetown, but they insisted if they have to do this "meet Brad's possible wife" nonsense, they wanted a free trip too.
So, we're all in South Africa. Which is really nice, and all cute fuzzy animals. No apartheid, no Nelson Mandela, no white rule. Just cute fuzzy animals as far as Brad and the womens are concerned. Final 3: Ashley, Emily and Chantel, which rhymes with clientele and always makes me think of Fergie.
This week Brad wants to "talk" to all of the womens on an intimate level. Intimate is the word of the week. Intimate, intimate, intimate. As if Brad would know intimate if it bit him on the balls, and he sent that woman home already.
He has a "strong connection" with these 3 ladies. There is an EASE with Chantel, although their ride has been a "roller coaster" because she actually has emotions. Ashley has "so much to offer (aka a steady dentist paycheck), they are comfortable except when Ashely has questions and insecurities about me dry humping several other womens. Speedbumps, he calls them. Are speedbumps better or worse than roller coasters? Emily is "one in a million". LMFAO. Yes, dumb blondes incapable of holding even a modest conversation really are hard to find, Brad. He's a much better person with her...she makes him giddy. He wants a "sweet" woman but this one has an intimidating past.
It's overnight date week. He's excited. He's also "terrified of being alone, but I've made enough changes to not end up alone. One of these womens will be my wife". Uhuh. I got $20 says that ain't never happening.
First date is with Chantel in Sabi Sands. It's a safari date. Baby monkeys, Chantel reliving telling Brads he lurves him. They meet and hug. Get in the open air safari bus. "I'm here looking at the bush with a beautiful woman". hmmmm. Ooh, Lions! MAUL THEM, MAUL THEM!!! Brad really wanted to see lions and ABC managed to drug a couple and lay them out in the bush. Ooh, Giraffe. "That is a pretty animal...This is his home". Brad is a freaking genius. Elephants, zebra, African music playing, rhinos. Picnic time. The guide leads them to the river holding a shotgun. So you know it's dangerous. LOL. Now Brad is off on his fear/danger relationship building test bullshit. WTF??
They eat their picnic lunch with a hippo. The overcoming fear bullshit she says is a metaphore for their relationship. Brad: "I miss your family...how's their money doing?" blah blah blah. Really, it's all bullshit. "We're weeks away from something that could change our lives".
Dinner, outside. Chantel: "I want to meet your family". He gets kinda weird. "I get all intense about family. Ooh, should I say this? I'm the most comfortable around you. I like that side of me around you (didn't he say the same about Ashley 5 minutes ago??) My heart is open". Chantel: "Let's get married now" "Would you do that??" "I take the engagement seriously, and if I'm going to get engaged I mean to get married". "I like that about you, the spontenaity...I need that in my life".
The Chris Harrison date shag card arrives. She reads it, "Let's go!!" What happens in the fantasy suite stays in the fantasy suite. Theirs is a real treehouse. Out in the open with apparently no plumbing. Yea, my fantasy too. I wonder what kind of mosquito born diseases you can get in South Africa??
Date 2 is Emily. Ugh, I am dreading this one. They meet, big hug. "Hang on, I need to get something..." He leaves her and then comes riding in on an elephant. "It's my dream...it's like the lion king only better". Brad, if you marry her you will get to watch The Lion King (Disney Productions, DING) 25,000 times in the next 2 years. "Ricky would love the baby elephants". Brad: "I miss your daughter". Mostly because he is way more into the kid than her, like most gay men are. "Does she understand what it means if we spend more time together?" "I dunno, she's kind of stupid like me. I'm ready to find out. Are you?" Brad, with all the swagger of a man who has never spent 30 minutes with a child, "I'm ready". "I'd never ask you to a MOVIE unless you knew I saw you as a packaged deal".
Big hug and kiss. Brad: "The conversation was perfect." What an idiot.
Dinner. He's nervous, she's falling in lurve. Emily: "I'm focusing on my relationship with you but, the other women are bugging me." "I'm ready for this to be over. Don't question anything about me. I'm excited about you, Ricky and me".
Fantasy shag card. This is why he is nervous. "I'm a mom, and I want to set a good example for her. Like by going on this ho-bag show to find a man....BUT I want to shag you in private, but slowly so nobody at home knows I slept with you". They go to the suite. It's kinda boring after the tree house. She tells him she's falling in lurve with him. "I didn't expect that at all". He tells her he's falling in lurve with her too. "He makes me the happiest person on the world...Brad is the right person for me."
Let me say, right now, before we go to Ashley's date. If he DOES NOT chose Emily, and has been stringing her along he is going to have to move to Libya to live in a country where he is not the most hated man.
Date 3: Ashley. After meeting her family, I have questions. They meet and go to a helicopter. She freaks out. Not in a good way. She is terrified. It's her biggest fear, and we know he likes that. She's terrified but they take off in the helicopter. Hey, my husband won me by NOT making me do shit I didn't want to do. Exhibit A: camping.
"Africa is a large land filed with exotic animals". Zzzzzz. They go to God's window, which is just a rock in the mountains, and picnic. I also think he likes his women to face their fears of peeing outside.
"I love your family". Brad: "Where do you want to live?" She actually gives a real answer, not the expected "wherever you want to live daaarling. "I don't know, near people I love." He doesn't like that answer. Brad: "You are so driven. Can you allow yourself to live a life while you are trying to succeed?" Again, she gives a complex answer to the complex question, "It's a good question I ask myself. I want to be a good dentist, to keep current, I want to go to conferences." Brad tells her "You remind me of myself at your age....like becoming a dentist is totally relatable to opening a couple of bars in Texas...I wonder if I could have had more balance in my life". "We would have been in the same place 10 years ago". The date goes downhill from here. Brad:" We've never talked about meshing our lives together". Hmmm, he is looking for a reason to ditch her.
Dinner. "I have more questions than before". Jeez. She thinks they are on a path moving forward and this has been good deep conversation. Which would be a positive for anyone other than Brad, who has no interest in deep. Ashley:" It was a very cool day...you made me think. I think we want the same things but I didn't communicate to you what I meant." Brad:" We've never talked about our future together...When I asked you where you wanted to live, you never mentioned Austin". He is so not into her anymore. "Why are we spending so much time reassuring each other??" "You're looking for someone who will easily fit into your life".
She's pissed, and just eating. Brad: "I'm happy to be here." Ashley:" I had no idea you had so many concerns". Fantasy suite card. Good timing. She wants to go. "I'm glad you're here...kiss". It could not be more awkward. "We're totally off our game..."
Rose Ceremony time! Brad chats with Chris. This is the most difficult rose ceremony. Ashley and I had a difficult date. We both shut down. I know what my decision should be but I have to talk to Ashley first.
Rose ceremony. Ashely looks like she ate her way through the mini bar, and is squeezed into an awful brown dress. Brad clears his throat 10 times. "Ashley can we talk?" He walks her half way out the door. "Our date sucked, I'm sorry. I'm shocked that our relationship went so bad". "Me too, what happened?" Brad:" I came loaded with questions and I backed you into a corner." "Why do we have problems??" "I don't know if I can fit into your life."
"I need to tell you goodbye". Wow, it really is that brusque. "I'm confident in the decision, so let me walk you out". Me yelling at the teevee "YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER ASHLEY!!! LET EMILY SETTLE FOR THIS IDIOT".
"Things can change so quickly". Not really, Brad. Not if it's real. Maybe your therapist can explain that to you.
He comes back, mumbles something about Ashley. Scratches his ear for about 5 minutes, them gives out the 2 roses. Emily is all confident and cocky.
In 2 weeks, it's off to Capetown to meet his family. They don't live in Capetown, but they insisted if they have to do this "meet Brad's possible wife" nonsense, they wanted a free trip too.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Spring 2011 Amazing Race
Ok, my lazy ass used the "to be continued" status of week 1 to weasel out of a write up, but no such excuse exists today. Amazing Race the return of "those teams that have never won". AKA losers.
We're starting in Palm Springs, where it's all unamerican GREEN WINDMILL energy. Review of the contestants, but I'm gonna skip that because, hell, we all know them intimately. Mel is 70 and Kent is still undergoing his sex change.
Welcome Back! The first team on this leg of the race will get a bonus, express pass, which does not allow them to buy gas easier but to skip a task at some point, "It's a very different race this time". No clues on the bags, you have to search the desert for the flag that represents "Queensland and Northern Territories Air Service". Last one to find it gets an automatic u-turn. Hey, here's a novel idea, look for a word that starts with a Q ya morons. As in Qantas. Mel and Mike (aka GaySon) get it first. The now engaged arguing couple, Amanda and Kris, are last. They lost due to a U-turn. Not happy.
Travel to LAX and get on one of 2 flights to Sidney, Australia. 90 minutes between the first and second flight. Unless, someone on the first flight has a heart attack and you get detoured to Hawaii. Probably some damn, FAT, smoking, BBQ eating American who is not only ruining the healthcare costs in America, but also the damn race!!
2nd flight lands first, mostly because it is Vegan Airlines. Once in Sidney, take a train to the harbor and then a ferry to the Manly Ocean World. Roadblock: Who's ready to get tanked? PICK ME!!! One member of each team has to suit up and enter a shark tank to find a compass and then use it to decode a message via nautical flags.
C'mon, nobody is gonna get chomped. This ain't cable. Mallory finds the first one, then Amanda.
The Cowboys stopped to gawk at the big city and missed the ferry.
The decoded message tells teams to go to Manly 16 Ft Skiff Sailing Club and find a captain and tell him 'I'm between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea". Cowboys get to the shark tank, "hell, we don't even take baths".
Both flights are kind of caught up at this point, everyone has their decoder ring but Vyxin is lost in the shark tank.
Gary and Mallory get the clue first, then have to sail a 16 foot skiff across the bay, and collect their clues on buoys. Globetrotters get the decoder and go to the flags. I'm totally screwed if history repeats itself with my illiterate Globes. Jaime and Cara (NFLs) team up with Margie and Luke (DeafNMom) and work together. The clue on the buoys tells teams to race for the Pitt, at Shelley Beach.
Zev and Justin tell the Globes the answer. Thank you 6 lb baby Jesus. Margie and Luke get it wrong, Zevtin won't tell them it. Brokebacks apparently are missing like most of the clue. Totally bizarre.
Gary and Mallory reach the Pitt as team #1...BUT WAIT, you're still racing! TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK...
ok, BACK AGAIN.
Brokeback is still clueless, everyone else has checked into the Pitt and are continuing to race.
Pitt clue: Make your way back to Sidney and find "sail to stop" and sign up for one of two charter flights to Broken Hill. Dad and Mallory assume they are looking for a charter flight place called Sail to Stop. They are in a cab but can't tell the driver where to go.
Zev has Aspergers. I totally forgot that. I love him, he is quite funny.
You can take either a ferry or a taxi to Sidney. DeafNMom are working with NFLs again. Asian dad is a total douchebag.
Brokeback finally finish the decoder clue...
Kisha and Jen (Peepees) get in a cab whose driver takes them to the Maritime Museum, which is not the correct location but which has internet connection, which they use to figure out there is a anchor statue near the town hall called Sail to Stop.
GaySon 's dad is having leg cramps and is basically dying. They get on the ferry and he all but collapses. Son: "I don't want to kill you for a joy ride". He's crying. "How about this, I'll be responsible for my decisions". DeafNMom use a laptop on the ferry to find the anchor.
Peepees are on the first flight, as are Zevtin, NFLs, DeafNMom, GaySon and Kent/Vyxin (Freaks).
Dad and Mallory are totally lost. He wants to keep jumping in cabs, she wants to figure out where they are going. They run into the Asians, and Angry Engaged and all work together.
Brokeback checks into the Pitt.. They have no clue how to find the sail to stop clue, and just walk around all day and half the night asking people randomly on the streets. Apparently there is no internet connection on the ranch. Fortunately, the flights are the next morning and they have all night to figure it out. Second flight is Globes, Asians, Angry Engaged, Dad and Mallory and finally Brokeback.
1st flight lands, teams get cars and have to drive to the living desert. NFLs and DeafNMom stop for directions. They pass a sign welcoming them to the outback, to which Zev says "not a lot of steakhouses out here".
Detour: chose between the spirit world and the natural world. In spirit world teams have to replicate a mosaic with stones, then dance on it. In natural world, teams have to create a mural by spitting color onto a slate, leaving 4 impressions. Everyone does the spirit thing, although the angry engaged have to do both.
The freaks finish their mosaic first, but then for some creepy reason Kent wants them to "gather all the little children" and dance AROUND their mosaic.
Zev and Justin finish first. Justin says Zev is artistic..."and autistic" says Zev. Drive to Broken Hill, and find the home of the magpies.
The Asians are fighting. In Chinese...and are last.
Angry engaged finish and do the other task, which takes about 2 minutes. We do learn that Amanda is not a spitter...
Home of the magpies is the Central Football Club. And, it's a chemistry challenge! Teams have to dress like Kangaroos and armed with only a copy of the periodic table, with Mg and Bi highlighted have to hop to the corner of Mercury and Bismuth.
Zevtin and DeafNMon find woman on the street with a smart phone. She gives the the info and directions. Mid hop, Margie realizes she lost part of her costume and has to go back to find it. Zevtin get the clue first: drive to Junction Mine, home of the next Pitt stop. Change your hopper shoes first. "owww, I just slammed my tail in the door".
Zev and Justin are team #1!! They win a trip to Cancun. Zev wants a nap. LOL.
GaySon dad picked up Margie's shoe cover, and when he gives it to her she tells them where to go.
This big gang of 'roos find the corner and get their next clue. Left are the Asians, Dad and Mallory and the Angry Engaged. The Asians and Dad/Mallory are trying to work together but Asian Dad is a dick. Mallory takes off following where everyone else went, and Asian Dad says, "Mallory is hysterical". They go the wrong way and have to backtrack. "Don't shout, your voice carries". What a total control freakin DICK.
They find the clue and get ready to drive. Mallory says she has a map with the place on it. "She doesn't know where it is". "Mallory is very impulsive". They part ways and the Asians get lost. LOL. Dad and Mallory check in. It's down to the Asians and the Angry Engaged. Asians step on the mat. "Give us some good news, Bill". Engaged are the last team to arrive and are eeeeliminated.
1Zev and Justin Ginnie
2Flight Time and Big Easy Elayne
3Jet and Cord Donna
4Lakisa and Jennifer Matt and Kevin
5Margie and Luke Tess and Susan
6Mel and Mike Jeff and Eileen
7Kent and Vyxsin Lori
8Jaime and Cara Amy
9Gary and Mallory Joanne
10Ron and Christina Karen and John
Bye Bye.
11Amanda and Kris Terri
We're starting in Palm Springs, where it's all unamerican GREEN WINDMILL energy. Review of the contestants, but I'm gonna skip that because, hell, we all know them intimately. Mel is 70 and Kent is still undergoing his sex change.
Welcome Back! The first team on this leg of the race will get a bonus, express pass, which does not allow them to buy gas easier but to skip a task at some point, "It's a very different race this time". No clues on the bags, you have to search the desert for the flag that represents "Queensland and Northern Territories Air Service". Last one to find it gets an automatic u-turn. Hey, here's a novel idea, look for a word that starts with a Q ya morons. As in Qantas. Mel and Mike (aka GaySon) get it first. The now engaged arguing couple, Amanda and Kris, are last. They lost due to a U-turn. Not happy.
Travel to LAX and get on one of 2 flights to Sidney, Australia. 90 minutes between the first and second flight. Unless, someone on the first flight has a heart attack and you get detoured to Hawaii. Probably some damn, FAT, smoking, BBQ eating American who is not only ruining the healthcare costs in America, but also the damn race!!
2nd flight lands first, mostly because it is Vegan Airlines. Once in Sidney, take a train to the harbor and then a ferry to the Manly Ocean World. Roadblock: Who's ready to get tanked? PICK ME!!! One member of each team has to suit up and enter a shark tank to find a compass and then use it to decode a message via nautical flags.
C'mon, nobody is gonna get chomped. This ain't cable. Mallory finds the first one, then Amanda.
The Cowboys stopped to gawk at the big city and missed the ferry.
The decoded message tells teams to go to Manly 16 Ft Skiff Sailing Club and find a captain and tell him 'I'm between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea". Cowboys get to the shark tank, "hell, we don't even take baths".
Both flights are kind of caught up at this point, everyone has their decoder ring but Vyxin is lost in the shark tank.
Gary and Mallory get the clue first, then have to sail a 16 foot skiff across the bay, and collect their clues on buoys. Globetrotters get the decoder and go to the flags. I'm totally screwed if history repeats itself with my illiterate Globes. Jaime and Cara (NFLs) team up with Margie and Luke (DeafNMom) and work together. The clue on the buoys tells teams to race for the Pitt, at Shelley Beach.
Zev and Justin tell the Globes the answer. Thank you 6 lb baby Jesus. Margie and Luke get it wrong, Zevtin won't tell them it. Brokebacks apparently are missing like most of the clue. Totally bizarre.
Gary and Mallory reach the Pitt as team #1...BUT WAIT, you're still racing! TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK...
ok, BACK AGAIN.
Brokeback is still clueless, everyone else has checked into the Pitt and are continuing to race.
Pitt clue: Make your way back to Sidney and find "sail to stop" and sign up for one of two charter flights to Broken Hill. Dad and Mallory assume they are looking for a charter flight place called Sail to Stop. They are in a cab but can't tell the driver where to go.
Zev has Aspergers. I totally forgot that. I love him, he is quite funny.
You can take either a ferry or a taxi to Sidney. DeafNMom are working with NFLs again. Asian dad is a total douchebag.
Brokeback finally finish the decoder clue...
Kisha and Jen (Peepees) get in a cab whose driver takes them to the Maritime Museum, which is not the correct location but which has internet connection, which they use to figure out there is a anchor statue near the town hall called Sail to Stop.
GaySon 's dad is having leg cramps and is basically dying. They get on the ferry and he all but collapses. Son: "I don't want to kill you for a joy ride". He's crying. "How about this, I'll be responsible for my decisions". DeafNMom use a laptop on the ferry to find the anchor.
Peepees are on the first flight, as are Zevtin, NFLs, DeafNMom, GaySon and Kent/Vyxin (Freaks).
Dad and Mallory are totally lost. He wants to keep jumping in cabs, she wants to figure out where they are going. They run into the Asians, and Angry Engaged and all work together.
Brokeback checks into the Pitt.. They have no clue how to find the sail to stop clue, and just walk around all day and half the night asking people randomly on the streets. Apparently there is no internet connection on the ranch. Fortunately, the flights are the next morning and they have all night to figure it out. Second flight is Globes, Asians, Angry Engaged, Dad and Mallory and finally Brokeback.
1st flight lands, teams get cars and have to drive to the living desert. NFLs and DeafNMom stop for directions. They pass a sign welcoming them to the outback, to which Zev says "not a lot of steakhouses out here".
Detour: chose between the spirit world and the natural world. In spirit world teams have to replicate a mosaic with stones, then dance on it. In natural world, teams have to create a mural by spitting color onto a slate, leaving 4 impressions. Everyone does the spirit thing, although the angry engaged have to do both.
The freaks finish their mosaic first, but then for some creepy reason Kent wants them to "gather all the little children" and dance AROUND their mosaic.
Zev and Justin finish first. Justin says Zev is artistic..."and autistic" says Zev. Drive to Broken Hill, and find the home of the magpies.
The Asians are fighting. In Chinese...and are last.
Angry engaged finish and do the other task, which takes about 2 minutes. We do learn that Amanda is not a spitter...
Home of the magpies is the Central Football Club. And, it's a chemistry challenge! Teams have to dress like Kangaroos and armed with only a copy of the periodic table, with Mg and Bi highlighted have to hop to the corner of Mercury and Bismuth.
Zevtin and DeafNMon find woman on the street with a smart phone. She gives the the info and directions. Mid hop, Margie realizes she lost part of her costume and has to go back to find it. Zevtin get the clue first: drive to Junction Mine, home of the next Pitt stop. Change your hopper shoes first. "owww, I just slammed my tail in the door".
Zev and Justin are team #1!! They win a trip to Cancun. Zev wants a nap. LOL.
GaySon dad picked up Margie's shoe cover, and when he gives it to her she tells them where to go.
This big gang of 'roos find the corner and get their next clue. Left are the Asians, Dad and Mallory and the Angry Engaged. The Asians and Dad/Mallory are trying to work together but Asian Dad is a dick. Mallory takes off following where everyone else went, and Asian Dad says, "Mallory is hysterical". They go the wrong way and have to backtrack. "Don't shout, your voice carries". What a total control freakin DICK.
They find the clue and get ready to drive. Mallory says she has a map with the place on it. "She doesn't know where it is". "Mallory is very impulsive". They part ways and the Asians get lost. LOL. Dad and Mallory check in. It's down to the Asians and the Angry Engaged. Asians step on the mat. "Give us some good news, Bill". Engaged are the last team to arrive and are eeeeliminated.
1Zev and Justin Ginnie
2Flight Time and Big Easy Elayne
3Jet and Cord Donna
4Lakisa and Jennifer Matt and Kevin
5Margie and Luke Tess and Susan
6Mel and Mike Jeff and Eileen
7Kent and Vyxsin Lori
8Jaime and Cara Amy
9Gary and Mallory Joanne
10Ron and Christina Karen and John
Bye Bye.
11Amanda and Kris Terri
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Suirvivor Redemption: Week 2
Sooo, Francesca gets to Redemption Island. It's sparse. Only rice and water. She's running around with a lamp in her hand trying over and over again to make a fire. Um, is that a battery operated lamp in your hand??
Tribe O. Wow, was that a wild tribal council or what?? Kristina thinks, "that didn't go well...". Ya think?
Rob: Kristina and Phillip were lying. Phillip tries to kiss Rob's ass, "you'll have my vote for the rest of the time I'm here". Rob thinks he's delusional. "Government jobs are apparently really stressful".
Rob to the rest of the tribe: "We're a 6 member alliance. Phillip has to go but let's win some challenges before we let him go."
Phillip is out crab hunting with a big sharp spear. He's crouching and darting through the jungle, in his red underwear which I am sure is terrifying for the crabs. Everyone else is watching him and laughing. Now he's literally crying about being a federal agent and Francesca doubting his trustworthiness. Seriously, can someone check out his file and see why he is NO LONGER a fed?
Tribe Z. Russell thinks Ralph is the dumbest survivor ever. He also needs another dumb girl for his harem. He chooses Kristen and Stephanie, then talks them into looking for the idol with him. 2 other tribe members are watching the whole thing. Ralph's out collecting rocks for...I dunno. He stumbles over the idol. LOL. "That was as simple as wiping your hiney with toilet paper".
O. Are Matt and Andrea hooking up? Rob is all over that. She's gonna walk her puppy dog all over this island. Take it from me... I gotta break this up. Rob talks to Natalie- he wants to be sitting next to her at the end. Tells her Andrea or Matt, one of them are next.
Challenge: Jeff is in a disappointing light blue. Phillip mouths off about outlasting anyone. Uhuh.
The challenge is a little pool. Swim to a platform, smash a tile and get a key. Collect all keys, open a box, get a bean bag and play bean bag tile smash. Wanna know what you're playing for? Immunity and fishing gear.
Ok, the swim thing is lame as shit, and ends up pretty much a tie. Both teams have their bean bags. It's Ralph vs Phillip for the toss. Phillip gets his first one. Ralph gets one. Phillip misses, Ralph gets his tile. Repeat 3x. It's 4 to 1 Ralph. Phillip picks it up and it's tie. Ralph and team Z win immunity.
Z: Russell grabs the basket of fishing gear because he thinks it holds a clue, which it does and which he finds. Ralph sees Russell find the clue and spills the beans. Sarita tells Mike about the clue. Russell shows his female vampires the clue. Ralph confronts Russell about the clue. Russell says he doesn't have the clue, and "I'm not liking how your coming at me". OMG, can I just comment on Ralph without a shirt? Hairiest mother I have ever seen.
And now for Redemption Island...Francesca gets her luxury item, which is a journal.
O: Phillip wants to give a speech. "I thought you all performed gallantly. I wish I had performed my best. I will leave it up to the tribe to decide my fate". OMG, he is so damn annoying. Rob: "Phillip, you did good. We win and lose as a team". Matt, however, congratulated the other team on their win, which is SO NOT WITH THE SURVIVOR PROTOCOL. Totally pissed Rob off.
Kristina asks Phillip if he's worried. "No, I am a strong man". She's playing the idol.
Rob and the team. Rob wants Andrea or Matt gone. Grant argues for Matt. 4 people are for Matt. They tell Andrea they are splitting the vote. "Matt is playing textbook survivor, but he's playing with me".
They all talk, "split the votes between Kristina and Phillip". But the real vote is 4 for Matt. Phillip asks Rob who to vote for. "I don't know yet". Matt: "Everyday Rob impresses me". LOL, you're about to be impressed over to Redemption Island.
Rob and Phillip take a walk. "You have to behave this week at tribal, Phillip. I will put my right hand on the person who is going at tribal, and you vote for that person". They do the man hug.
Tribal, Jeff is in dark blue.
Phillip, does this game bring out the animal in people? He spews some crazy shit about the gorilla and the lion.
Rob: Phillip is a good competitor and he takes the loss hard.
Matt: Phillips admitted he should be voted out but it's tough to vote for someone after 1 mistake.
Phillip: When I get to redemption, I will meet my nemesis, Franchesqua.
Matt, is redemption the big deal our high paid marketing group came up with? "Um, sure, sure, Jeff. Especially with the added surprise of how many people come back and when".
It starts to rain, and a BIG crack of thunder just as Rob puts his hand on Kristina's shoulder.
Vote.
Anyone have an idol, and not stupid enough to not use it? Kristina plays the idol.
Kristina 2 votes, Phillip 2 votes, and Matt gets 4. Ashley is totally confused.
Well, tribe, your first Vicious blindside!!
Tribe O. Wow, was that a wild tribal council or what?? Kristina thinks, "that didn't go well...". Ya think?
Rob: Kristina and Phillip were lying. Phillip tries to kiss Rob's ass, "you'll have my vote for the rest of the time I'm here". Rob thinks he's delusional. "Government jobs are apparently really stressful".
Rob to the rest of the tribe: "We're a 6 member alliance. Phillip has to go but let's win some challenges before we let him go."
Phillip is out crab hunting with a big sharp spear. He's crouching and darting through the jungle, in his red underwear which I am sure is terrifying for the crabs. Everyone else is watching him and laughing. Now he's literally crying about being a federal agent and Francesca doubting his trustworthiness. Seriously, can someone check out his file and see why he is NO LONGER a fed?
Tribe Z. Russell thinks Ralph is the dumbest survivor ever. He also needs another dumb girl for his harem. He chooses Kristen and Stephanie, then talks them into looking for the idol with him. 2 other tribe members are watching the whole thing. Ralph's out collecting rocks for...I dunno. He stumbles over the idol. LOL. "That was as simple as wiping your hiney with toilet paper".
O. Are Matt and Andrea hooking up? Rob is all over that. She's gonna walk her puppy dog all over this island. Take it from me... I gotta break this up. Rob talks to Natalie- he wants to be sitting next to her at the end. Tells her Andrea or Matt, one of them are next.
Challenge: Jeff is in a disappointing light blue. Phillip mouths off about outlasting anyone. Uhuh.
The challenge is a little pool. Swim to a platform, smash a tile and get a key. Collect all keys, open a box, get a bean bag and play bean bag tile smash. Wanna know what you're playing for? Immunity and fishing gear.
Ok, the swim thing is lame as shit, and ends up pretty much a tie. Both teams have their bean bags. It's Ralph vs Phillip for the toss. Phillip gets his first one. Ralph gets one. Phillip misses, Ralph gets his tile. Repeat 3x. It's 4 to 1 Ralph. Phillip picks it up and it's tie. Ralph and team Z win immunity.
Z: Russell grabs the basket of fishing gear because he thinks it holds a clue, which it does and which he finds. Ralph sees Russell find the clue and spills the beans. Sarita tells Mike about the clue. Russell shows his female vampires the clue. Ralph confronts Russell about the clue. Russell says he doesn't have the clue, and "I'm not liking how your coming at me". OMG, can I just comment on Ralph without a shirt? Hairiest mother I have ever seen.
And now for Redemption Island...Francesca gets her luxury item, which is a journal.
O: Phillip wants to give a speech. "I thought you all performed gallantly. I wish I had performed my best. I will leave it up to the tribe to decide my fate". OMG, he is so damn annoying. Rob: "Phillip, you did good. We win and lose as a team". Matt, however, congratulated the other team on their win, which is SO NOT WITH THE SURVIVOR PROTOCOL. Totally pissed Rob off.
Kristina asks Phillip if he's worried. "No, I am a strong man". She's playing the idol.
Rob and the team. Rob wants Andrea or Matt gone. Grant argues for Matt. 4 people are for Matt. They tell Andrea they are splitting the vote. "Matt is playing textbook survivor, but he's playing with me".
They all talk, "split the votes between Kristina and Phillip". But the real vote is 4 for Matt. Phillip asks Rob who to vote for. "I don't know yet". Matt: "Everyday Rob impresses me". LOL, you're about to be impressed over to Redemption Island.
Rob and Phillip take a walk. "You have to behave this week at tribal, Phillip. I will put my right hand on the person who is going at tribal, and you vote for that person". They do the man hug.
Tribal, Jeff is in dark blue.
Phillip, does this game bring out the animal in people? He spews some crazy shit about the gorilla and the lion.
Rob: Phillip is a good competitor and he takes the loss hard.
Matt: Phillips admitted he should be voted out but it's tough to vote for someone after 1 mistake.
Phillip: When I get to redemption, I will meet my nemesis, Franchesqua.
Matt, is redemption the big deal our high paid marketing group came up with? "Um, sure, sure, Jeff. Especially with the added surprise of how many people come back and when".
It starts to rain, and a BIG crack of thunder just as Rob puts his hand on Kristina's shoulder.
Vote.
Anyone have an idol, and not stupid enough to not use it? Kristina plays the idol.
Kristina 2 votes, Phillip 2 votes, and Matt gets 4. Ashley is totally confused.
Well, tribe, your first Vicious blindside!!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Survivor Redemption Island: Crazy Time Already!!
Oh man, that was the best week one show I have ever watched!! Let's let the crazy out of the bag on day one, shall we?
Helicopters arrive and drop off the Survivors. And then....another helicopter. Out steps Rob and Russell. Together Jeff tells us they have 156 days if experience playing Survivor. I think they need real jobs...
Francesca is not happy. They are trouble makers, sizing us up. They draw for teams and Rob gets the O team, Russell the Z team. Yea, the team names are longer but I don't feel like looking them up right now.
Here's the new thang this year. When you are voted off you go to redemption island and live alone. The next loser joins you there and you square off in a "duel". The remaining person will be able to reenter the game at some point. Russell thinks redemption is gonna be a vacation. I think Russell will be there shortly.
The X team. Russell is already an asshole. Apparently CRAFTSMAN tools are a sponsor because for the first time ever the Survivors get nails and hammers and stuff. WTF??
On O, Rob's all helpful. Matt calls it camp harmony. Phillip is very pushy and A FORMER FEDERAL AGENT. You will hear those words 500 times. Francesca doesn't like him. Phillip calls them over and announces he's a FORMER FEDERAL AGENT, and is an expert at analyzing people which will be GREAT when they merge. He also has 7 sisters. Not sure what that comment means, maybe he's willing to rent them out. Francesca doesn't care.
Kristina wonders why nobody is looking for an idol? She goes out looking and Rob totally busts her doing it.
Phillip is trying to suck up to Rob, forming a "he male alliance". Phillip and Kristina talk. "Rob is going to try to divide and conquer and play me like a fool. We can work together."
X: Russell as usually sucks right up to the young cute blonde. They go looking for tree mail together and he is hitting on her already. He forms a secret alliance with her. Mike, David and someone else see Russell talking to Stephanie. They want Russell gone ASAP.
O: Kristen doesn't want Rob to stay but everyone else likes him. WHY would you want to get rid of someone with so much experience who you KNOW will never win the game? She is a control freak and thinks he will take control away from her. Kristen takes a shovel (they get shovels too?? christ, how about cable and a mini Kenmore Elite refrigerator??) and goes looking for the idol. She finds it right away. She is Russell's long lost daughter. She re hides the idol.
OMFG. Phillip is wearing red BVDs. I kid you not. Now I believe we know why he is a FORMER federal agent. Things haven't been as much fun since Hoover left. He's standing in his underwear giving attitude to Kristen and Francesca. Total idiot. Let me also point out that his red package DOES NOT NEED PIXELATION, as it is not visible. Even in HD. How do you argue with someone in red underwear?? Wonder what he washed his white load with to ruin it all.
Challenge. My dimpled darling is in dark blue. Ahhhhhhhhh. Each tribe will push four blocks along a track to build the base of a temple. They will then run up the steps where one person will use an ax to chop a series of ropes releasing another set of steps. They’ll then make their way to the top where they will race to solve a block puzzle, which will complete their temple.
O sucks at this. Z gets their stairs done first, gets their puzzle and has a big lead. Russell is calling the shots. For O, Matt cannot chop the ropes. He's pathetic. Finally. Rob is the puzzle master but he can't overcome Z's lead. Z wins immunity. Ashley: "We let Rob down".
Back at camp, all hell starts breaking out. Kristina tells Francesca she has the idol. Let's talk them all into voting for me and then we blindside Rob. Francesca thinks they still need him. Everyone will be pissed if we get rid of Rob. She wants to get rid of Natalie. Kristina admits, “Voting Natalie is better for the tribe. Voting Rob is better for me.
Rob knows Kristina was looking for the idol. He calls everyone except Kristen, Francesca and Phillip together and tells them about her looking for the idol. They decide to split their votes between Kristen and Francesca and flush out the idol. They all agree.
Kristen and Francesca approach Phillip with their plan. He doesn't see how the 3 of them voting for Rob is gonna work, so she shows him the idol. He agrees with her plan because he wants Rob out so he can be the new tribe leader.
Tribal. They all get fire. Fire = Life in this game. I think I will get a Fire = Life tattoo. Who's with me? Won't Jeff be surprised when he finds THAT!
Rob tells Jeff that his tribe got right to work when they first arrived at camp to build a good shelter. He credits Phillip in setting the tone of hard work for everyone. Jeff asks Phillip if he assumed the leadership role. Phillip replies, “Not necessarily the leadership role, but if I see work that needs to be done, I’ll suggest it.” Francesca rolls her eyes at Phillip’s response.
Matt, Is Phillip the leader? He calls people out, and that's not that well received
Francesca: We need to keep this tribe strong
Kristina: I don't feel safe
Rob-are the men safe? "I don't feel safe"
Jeff asks Francesca about redemption island. "it makes the game more complex. Like if Rob gets voted out tonight...NOT THAT HE'S GOING TO...but he could come back.
Phillip calls her out on that. Francesca and he go at it, she telling him that she "never told him to vote for Rob". Kristina calls Phillip unstable and he tells everyone her whole plan, including the fact that she has the idol.
Jeff: Who is that news to?
Rob: "um, ME". They don't deny having the idol. Rob wants to see it. "Give me the idol tonight and you will get to stay". Nope.
Time to vote. Anyone have the idol and want to use it? Nope.
Kristen gets 3 votes, Phillip gets 2 and Francesca is the first occupant of Redemption Island.
Helicopters arrive and drop off the Survivors. And then....another helicopter. Out steps Rob and Russell. Together Jeff tells us they have 156 days if experience playing Survivor. I think they need real jobs...
Francesca is not happy. They are trouble makers, sizing us up. They draw for teams and Rob gets the O team, Russell the Z team. Yea, the team names are longer but I don't feel like looking them up right now.
Here's the new thang this year. When you are voted off you go to redemption island and live alone. The next loser joins you there and you square off in a "duel". The remaining person will be able to reenter the game at some point. Russell thinks redemption is gonna be a vacation. I think Russell will be there shortly.
The X team. Russell is already an asshole. Apparently CRAFTSMAN tools are a sponsor because for the first time ever the Survivors get nails and hammers and stuff. WTF??
On O, Rob's all helpful. Matt calls it camp harmony. Phillip is very pushy and A FORMER FEDERAL AGENT. You will hear those words 500 times. Francesca doesn't like him. Phillip calls them over and announces he's a FORMER FEDERAL AGENT, and is an expert at analyzing people which will be GREAT when they merge. He also has 7 sisters. Not sure what that comment means, maybe he's willing to rent them out. Francesca doesn't care.
Kristina wonders why nobody is looking for an idol? She goes out looking and Rob totally busts her doing it.
Phillip is trying to suck up to Rob, forming a "he male alliance". Phillip and Kristina talk. "Rob is going to try to divide and conquer and play me like a fool. We can work together."
X: Russell as usually sucks right up to the young cute blonde. They go looking for tree mail together and he is hitting on her already. He forms a secret alliance with her. Mike, David and someone else see Russell talking to Stephanie. They want Russell gone ASAP.
O: Kristen doesn't want Rob to stay but everyone else likes him. WHY would you want to get rid of someone with so much experience who you KNOW will never win the game? She is a control freak and thinks he will take control away from her. Kristen takes a shovel (they get shovels too?? christ, how about cable and a mini Kenmore Elite refrigerator??) and goes looking for the idol. She finds it right away. She is Russell's long lost daughter. She re hides the idol.
OMFG. Phillip is wearing red BVDs. I kid you not. Now I believe we know why he is a FORMER federal agent. Things haven't been as much fun since Hoover left. He's standing in his underwear giving attitude to Kristen and Francesca. Total idiot. Let me also point out that his red package DOES NOT NEED PIXELATION, as it is not visible. Even in HD. How do you argue with someone in red underwear?? Wonder what he washed his white load with to ruin it all.
Challenge. My dimpled darling is in dark blue. Ahhhhhhhhh. Each tribe will push four blocks along a track to build the base of a temple. They will then run up the steps where one person will use an ax to chop a series of ropes releasing another set of steps. They’ll then make their way to the top where they will race to solve a block puzzle, which will complete their temple.
O sucks at this. Z gets their stairs done first, gets their puzzle and has a big lead. Russell is calling the shots. For O, Matt cannot chop the ropes. He's pathetic. Finally. Rob is the puzzle master but he can't overcome Z's lead. Z wins immunity. Ashley: "We let Rob down".
Back at camp, all hell starts breaking out. Kristina tells Francesca she has the idol. Let's talk them all into voting for me and then we blindside Rob. Francesca thinks they still need him. Everyone will be pissed if we get rid of Rob. She wants to get rid of Natalie. Kristina admits, “Voting Natalie is better for the tribe. Voting Rob is better for me.
Rob knows Kristina was looking for the idol. He calls everyone except Kristen, Francesca and Phillip together and tells them about her looking for the idol. They decide to split their votes between Kristen and Francesca and flush out the idol. They all agree.
Kristen and Francesca approach Phillip with their plan. He doesn't see how the 3 of them voting for Rob is gonna work, so she shows him the idol. He agrees with her plan because he wants Rob out so he can be the new tribe leader.
Tribal. They all get fire. Fire = Life in this game. I think I will get a Fire = Life tattoo. Who's with me? Won't Jeff be surprised when he finds THAT!
Rob tells Jeff that his tribe got right to work when they first arrived at camp to build a good shelter. He credits Phillip in setting the tone of hard work for everyone. Jeff asks Phillip if he assumed the leadership role. Phillip replies, “Not necessarily the leadership role, but if I see work that needs to be done, I’ll suggest it.” Francesca rolls her eyes at Phillip’s response.
Matt, Is Phillip the leader? He calls people out, and that's not that well received
Francesca: We need to keep this tribe strong
Kristina: I don't feel safe
Rob-are the men safe? "I don't feel safe"
Jeff asks Francesca about redemption island. "it makes the game more complex. Like if Rob gets voted out tonight...NOT THAT HE'S GOING TO...but he could come back.
Phillip calls her out on that. Francesca and he go at it, she telling him that she "never told him to vote for Rob". Kristina calls Phillip unstable and he tells everyone her whole plan, including the fact that she has the idol.
Jeff: Who is that news to?
Rob: "um, ME". They don't deny having the idol. Rob wants to see it. "Give me the idol tonight and you will get to stay". Nope.
Time to vote. Anyone have the idol and want to use it? Nope.
Kristen gets 3 votes, Phillip gets 2 and Francesca is the first occupant of Redemption Island.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Bachelor: HOmetown Dates
Ah yes, it's that time of the season again when Brad gets dragged to the ladies hometowns and we get to see WHAT KIND OF FREAKS HAVE DAUGHTERS THAT GO ON THIS SHOW.
He's in NY packing, I have no idea why. "This is an incredible adventure...this is the most important week..." He's so glad America has short attention spans and can't remember he said this same shit last time.
He runs down the women who are left:
Chantel N: I have questions for her...she's emotional...roller coaster...fucks like a rabbit though...
Ashley: so happy and outgoing..."she has everything a guy wants in a wife...but there have been speedbumps". She didn't lay down and just rollover like a good wife should have
Shawntel O: she's FUN! We have a connection! No roller coaster BUT she told me she loves me and DAMN, that makes a guys testicals retract. " I like where we're at".
Emily: She's very real. She's what I'm looking for in a wife (someone boring as all HELL who will never talk back, never have an opinion and never have the guts to leave me). It's deeper because she had a daughter...and he doesn't know if he could play hide the salami with her sacred baby-hole.
First date. Chantal. I think this is Chico? He loves the city, they go to her banging house. She has 2 cats and a dog. Cats are Jinxie, Baily and the dog is Boca. No, you do not need to know that. It's the happy confident Chantal! The dog loves him, which is a big deal. They discuss the fact that the pets come with her. He tells her he has a loft in NY (I thought he lived in texas??) with no closets. "That's not going to work". I was really liking them together anyway but HOLY CRAP are her parents friggin LOADED. The house is unbelievable. Like HUGE ASS. I'd have dropped to my knees and proposed RIGHT THEN.
Mom looks like she's 35. Except nothing moves on her face. They have wine and chat in one of the many rooms. They tell the o-so-funny story about her slapping him when they first met. Seriously, if he doesn't marry her I am gonna go lesbian and hunt her down. Fabulous family, AND THEY ARE RICH!! Dad and Chantal chat. She tells him she had THAT FEELING from the start with Brad. "Well, honey, if you love him, I'll just offer him a check to get this over with and wipe off that stain of divorce you carry".
Dad takes Brad off to another wing of the mansion to show him a BIG ASS statue he owns. It's a statue of a self made man. LOL. Total male bonding. Brad tells him about his own Dad and OMG, her Dad didn't see his father for the last 15 years of his life. What a fucking coincidence! Brad "I'll be a damn good son in law and father..." People say the funniest things when money is involved. "Is Chantal ready to marry again?" "Yes, and here's $10,000 to make sure it happens". I was literally praying there was not gonna be a man-hug.
Chantal and Mom, with the bad purple eye shadow and huge glasses of wine talk. Mom tells her to "trust your heart...and your genitalia". Chantal has "feelings again".
Brad and Daddy-o are now in THE FUCKING WINE CELLAR. Brad: "My intensions are true" "I know they are...we would give you our blessing to take our divorced baggage off our hands".
Hang on, I need an insulin shot.
Date 2: Ashley. She wants SPARKS!! "You're cute today" "No, you are" . They are in northern Maine. She takes him to a place where she was a waitress as a kid. The cameraman is totally into her boots. LOL. They're in French Canadian land. They order a quick thin, which is fries with gravy and cheese. I am so moving to Maine. Everyone talks french and Brad manages to order potatoes. What a guy! The fries arrive and he picks up a fork. "You cannot eat these with a fork, use your hands!" He starts to eat and she says, "Hey I just saw your crown!" Spoken like a true dentist. He's all confident in them together BUT they have to "move forward as a couple" which is clearly code for blow job. She says the word disconnected and he gets all wigged out. "We're wasting time here". They go get lobsters for dinner. And as my friend correctly texted me, "that lobster is way more interesting than Brad".
They stop and take pictures at the Madawaska sign. "I've never seen her this happy". Meet the folks. Lots of screaming. She is so excited. He fits right in. His sister is totally into him. Dad's into him but wonders if Brad will support her in her climb to be the worlds best dentist. She is apparently still in dental school. Didn't know that. They act like you can't be a friggin dentist anywhere in the world. "Do you want kids?" "I do but I have no idea what Ashley thinks". Hey, genius, FRIGGIN ASK her. God, he sucks at conversation.
Her brother asks her, "would you accept a proposal?" Ashley would have to think about it. Hmmmmm.
Brad is now worried she is too good for him (she is) and won't take a rose from him. He's wondering if he will scare her away or take her away from her job. As a dentist. Because they don't have those in NYC. Sister: "Now is the time for her to start both her career and her life". Mom: "He's awesome" Ashley: "He's everything I've been looking for". C'mon, is it really that hard out there??
"Brad you wanna stay over tonight? Check out her plumbing??" He's obsessing over the "keeping her down from her ambitions" bullshit. Because he is totally looking for a reason to ditch her.
Date 3 starts with OMFG the family funeral parlor commercial. LMAO. The whole family is into it, apparently. (Note: if you have never watched the series, Six Feet Under, you have to netflix it.) He meets Shawntel at the mausoleum. Niiiiiice. She wants to find out now if he's comfortable with her life. He loves Chico. Shit, this is Chico. Where the hell does the other chick live??
She shows him the crypts with the husbands and wives, the cremation wall, and here's the spot for you and me!! Shows him the crematorium. That sound is his reproductive organs falling off. This is 70% of our business! We do 3 a day!! Um, what is she selling him?? He's like, "if we get married I will have to listen to what a bad day at the crematorium will be like..." Ah, here's the prep room. Lay down on the table and let me totally and completely CREEP YOU OUT. She puts on a mask, is all into it...shows him the equipement. It is really weird.
Brad: "I don't do death well". She loves her job. "The good thing is, I can embalm anywhere we live!!"
Parent's House. Brad so has "where is the back door" in his eyes. Dad is a trip. Wants Shawnie to take over the bidness some day. Mom, Dad and 2 sisters are counting on it!
They tell Dad Shawnie even got Brad on the table. Dad wisely says, "no rose 4 U!"
"Um, Dad... Brad lives in Austin TX (not NY?? I am so damn confused)" Dead silence. Dad and Shawnel go sit in the barcolounger TV room. "You leaving for Austin would be bad. Last week some kid from the local high school bought it and they were disappointed you didn't carve him up". WOW. "If he proposes, I'm OUTA here". "You are destroying our dreams". WOW, that went well.
"We trust her, Brad. If it's meant to be, you have our blessing". Creepiest home visit EVER. "I'm in love with you Brad". She thinks the day could not have gone better!
Next up, Emily. Emily meets up with her daughter, Ricky-ticki. Let me vomit now. "I made a new friend while I was a way...and he is going to come to meet you". Ricky has to put her 5 year old stamp of approval on this adult decision. Ridiculous.
Brad meets her. He brings her a kite. She's shy. She doesn't want to open the present. Brad has never been in a relationship with someone with a daughter. God help him. Ricky is not having any of it. No eye contact. They fly the kite and she gets a little better. "This day has been perfect" He is a freaking idiot. Back at home, it's a big ass house. Ahhh, life insurance. What a great thing. Ricky runs upstairs into the magic Ricky room (run Brad run). She calls him Mr. Brad. They play games. He's totally tricked into believing this is what being a step dad is like. LOL. Idiot. She gives him a painting, brushes her teeth and Brad goes to say goodnight. She's a happy kid, despite what ABC chose to show on the previews.
Alone at last with Brad. "My day was perfect, I couldn't be happier". She is falling for him. Horny as all get out. Brad: "I want to be affectionate but your daughter is upstairs". No kiss. Emily is not buying it. "If this works out, she will always be upstairs sleeping". Kiss me damnit!! Nope, he has a total Madonna complex. He gets up to leave and they finally kiss, with the door open so all of the neighbors can see. LOL. Idiot.
Cocktails. The 4 ladies are wearing red, white, blue, and black. All tight, all ugly as all get out. Brad: "I don't want to say goodbye to one of you".
Roses: Ashley, Emily and Chantal. Shawntel goes back to her freak world. "I care for you but I didn't feel the way a man should when a woman says she loves him".
Sign, most men don't treat an embalmer that good. Next week, off to South Africa.
He's in NY packing, I have no idea why. "This is an incredible adventure...this is the most important week..." He's so glad America has short attention spans and can't remember he said this same shit last time.
He runs down the women who are left:
Chantel N: I have questions for her...she's emotional...roller coaster...fucks like a rabbit though...
Ashley: so happy and outgoing..."she has everything a guy wants in a wife...but there have been speedbumps". She didn't lay down and just rollover like a good wife should have
Shawntel O: she's FUN! We have a connection! No roller coaster BUT she told me she loves me and DAMN, that makes a guys testicals retract. " I like where we're at".
Emily: She's very real. She's what I'm looking for in a wife (someone boring as all HELL who will never talk back, never have an opinion and never have the guts to leave me). It's deeper because she had a daughter...and he doesn't know if he could play hide the salami with her sacred baby-hole.
First date. Chantal. I think this is Chico? He loves the city, they go to her banging house. She has 2 cats and a dog. Cats are Jinxie, Baily and the dog is Boca. No, you do not need to know that. It's the happy confident Chantal! The dog loves him, which is a big deal. They discuss the fact that the pets come with her. He tells her he has a loft in NY (I thought he lived in texas??) with no closets. "That's not going to work". I was really liking them together anyway but HOLY CRAP are her parents friggin LOADED. The house is unbelievable. Like HUGE ASS. I'd have dropped to my knees and proposed RIGHT THEN.
Mom looks like she's 35. Except nothing moves on her face. They have wine and chat in one of the many rooms. They tell the o-so-funny story about her slapping him when they first met. Seriously, if he doesn't marry her I am gonna go lesbian and hunt her down. Fabulous family, AND THEY ARE RICH!! Dad and Chantal chat. She tells him she had THAT FEELING from the start with Brad. "Well, honey, if you love him, I'll just offer him a check to get this over with and wipe off that stain of divorce you carry".
Dad takes Brad off to another wing of the mansion to show him a BIG ASS statue he owns. It's a statue of a self made man. LOL. Total male bonding. Brad tells him about his own Dad and OMG, her Dad didn't see his father for the last 15 years of his life. What a fucking coincidence! Brad "I'll be a damn good son in law and father..." People say the funniest things when money is involved. "Is Chantal ready to marry again?" "Yes, and here's $10,000 to make sure it happens". I was literally praying there was not gonna be a man-hug.
Chantal and Mom, with the bad purple eye shadow and huge glasses of wine talk. Mom tells her to "trust your heart...and your genitalia". Chantal has "feelings again".
Brad and Daddy-o are now in THE FUCKING WINE CELLAR. Brad: "My intensions are true" "I know they are...we would give you our blessing to take our divorced baggage off our hands".
Hang on, I need an insulin shot.
Date 2: Ashley. She wants SPARKS!! "You're cute today" "No, you are" . They are in northern Maine. She takes him to a place where she was a waitress as a kid. The cameraman is totally into her boots. LOL. They're in French Canadian land. They order a quick thin, which is fries with gravy and cheese. I am so moving to Maine. Everyone talks french and Brad manages to order potatoes. What a guy! The fries arrive and he picks up a fork. "You cannot eat these with a fork, use your hands!" He starts to eat and she says, "Hey I just saw your crown!" Spoken like a true dentist. He's all confident in them together BUT they have to "move forward as a couple" which is clearly code for blow job. She says the word disconnected and he gets all wigged out. "We're wasting time here". They go get lobsters for dinner. And as my friend correctly texted me, "that lobster is way more interesting than Brad".
They stop and take pictures at the Madawaska sign. "I've never seen her this happy". Meet the folks. Lots of screaming. She is so excited. He fits right in. His sister is totally into him. Dad's into him but wonders if Brad will support her in her climb to be the worlds best dentist. She is apparently still in dental school. Didn't know that. They act like you can't be a friggin dentist anywhere in the world. "Do you want kids?" "I do but I have no idea what Ashley thinks". Hey, genius, FRIGGIN ASK her. God, he sucks at conversation.
Her brother asks her, "would you accept a proposal?" Ashley would have to think about it. Hmmmmm.
Brad is now worried she is too good for him (she is) and won't take a rose from him. He's wondering if he will scare her away or take her away from her job. As a dentist. Because they don't have those in NYC. Sister: "Now is the time for her to start both her career and her life". Mom: "He's awesome" Ashley: "He's everything I've been looking for". C'mon, is it really that hard out there??
"Brad you wanna stay over tonight? Check out her plumbing??" He's obsessing over the "keeping her down from her ambitions" bullshit. Because he is totally looking for a reason to ditch her.
Date 3 starts with OMFG the family funeral parlor commercial. LMAO. The whole family is into it, apparently. (Note: if you have never watched the series, Six Feet Under, you have to netflix it.) He meets Shawntel at the mausoleum. Niiiiiice. She wants to find out now if he's comfortable with her life. He loves Chico. Shit, this is Chico. Where the hell does the other chick live??
She shows him the crypts with the husbands and wives, the cremation wall, and here's the spot for you and me!! Shows him the crematorium. That sound is his reproductive organs falling off. This is 70% of our business! We do 3 a day!! Um, what is she selling him?? He's like, "if we get married I will have to listen to what a bad day at the crematorium will be like..." Ah, here's the prep room. Lay down on the table and let me totally and completely CREEP YOU OUT. She puts on a mask, is all into it...shows him the equipement. It is really weird.
Brad: "I don't do death well". She loves her job. "The good thing is, I can embalm anywhere we live!!"
Parent's House. Brad so has "where is the back door" in his eyes. Dad is a trip. Wants Shawnie to take over the bidness some day. Mom, Dad and 2 sisters are counting on it!
They tell Dad Shawnie even got Brad on the table. Dad wisely says, "no rose 4 U!"
"Um, Dad... Brad lives in Austin TX (not NY?? I am so damn confused)" Dead silence. Dad and Shawnel go sit in the barcolounger TV room. "You leaving for Austin would be bad. Last week some kid from the local high school bought it and they were disappointed you didn't carve him up". WOW. "If he proposes, I'm OUTA here". "You are destroying our dreams". WOW, that went well.
"We trust her, Brad. If it's meant to be, you have our blessing". Creepiest home visit EVER. "I'm in love with you Brad". She thinks the day could not have gone better!
Next up, Emily. Emily meets up with her daughter, Ricky-ticki. Let me vomit now. "I made a new friend while I was a way...and he is going to come to meet you". Ricky has to put her 5 year old stamp of approval on this adult decision. Ridiculous.
Brad meets her. He brings her a kite. She's shy. She doesn't want to open the present. Brad has never been in a relationship with someone with a daughter. God help him. Ricky is not having any of it. No eye contact. They fly the kite and she gets a little better. "This day has been perfect" He is a freaking idiot. Back at home, it's a big ass house. Ahhh, life insurance. What a great thing. Ricky runs upstairs into the magic Ricky room (run Brad run). She calls him Mr. Brad. They play games. He's totally tricked into believing this is what being a step dad is like. LOL. Idiot. She gives him a painting, brushes her teeth and Brad goes to say goodnight. She's a happy kid, despite what ABC chose to show on the previews.
Alone at last with Brad. "My day was perfect, I couldn't be happier". She is falling for him. Horny as all get out. Brad: "I want to be affectionate but your daughter is upstairs". No kiss. Emily is not buying it. "If this works out, she will always be upstairs sleeping". Kiss me damnit!! Nope, he has a total Madonna complex. He gets up to leave and they finally kiss, with the door open so all of the neighbors can see. LOL. Idiot.
Cocktails. The 4 ladies are wearing red, white, blue, and black. All tight, all ugly as all get out. Brad: "I don't want to say goodbye to one of you".
Roses: Ashley, Emily and Chantal. Shawntel goes back to her freak world. "I care for you but I didn't feel the way a man should when a woman says she loves him".
Sign, most men don't treat an embalmer that good. Next week, off to South Africa.
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