So, basically I can no longer remember when I blog and when I forget. Last week, Ernie and the most annoying fiance used their Xpress pass but still got beat by the awesome snowboarders! Bro and Sis Justin and Jennifer were shown the door.
This week starts in Malawi. And if you're like me, you had no fucking idea where Malawi was because, duh!! It used to be called Nyasaland. I know, right?? These little shitty countries try to hide from me by changing their names all the time. I mean, hell yea, it DID work for Allegheny Airlines after they flew into that mountain but still. I'm wondering what happened to the pennies I collected last Halloween and mailed "To the Poor Nyasalander Children".
So anyway, teams have to exchange their Malawian kwachas (the monetary unit of Malawi) and fly to Copenhagen, Denmark, which the brain scholar "boy who sailed 'round the world" friggin mispronounced. Once in Denmark, they have to drive a FORD FOCUS (DING DING DING) to some bell tower. Yea, all the names of stuff are in denmarkian and have like, too many vowels for me to remember.
Caution: This leg of the race has a double U-turn. Cindy wipes the evil drool off her chin and says, "we're totally using it, even if we don't need to". Ernie, OPEN YOUR EYES. There is time to run from this little smeagol. Me want the precious trip for 2 from Travelocity priiiiiizzzzzzeeeeeeee.
So they're all booked on an Malawi Airlines 8:20 am arriving flight via Amsterdam but hey, if you want to be safe and fly a different airline go right ahead and find a different connection. Dad and Sailorboy decide to fly via London. Basically because he had some kind of accent that might be Londonese or might be Australian. Everyone else decides to try their luck at the Amsterday connection. Only Amani and Marcus decide to stick with the original plan, and take naps in the airport while everyone else gets into Copenhagen the night before.
But, the bell tower doesn't open until the morning. Amani and Marcus are only 1 hour behind not the 12 AR kept advertising.
So, teams climb up the tower and look for their clues. One is a banner saying "borg slot" and another is on a rooftop saying "Fredericks". But for some reason they keep folding the rooftop one up. They have to find Frederickborg Slot" which is a castle. Jeremy and Sandy manage to fight their way to the wrong castle and have to go back. They run into Amani and Marcus at the bell tower.
At the castle: it's a roadblock. Teams have to learn to dance. For some reason we are forced to learn that the Grandparents met in high school or younger and have been together for years and years, and Smeagol and Ernie met in a bar. A very very very DARK bar I am sure.
Ernie and Sailorboy get in costume and makeup (I believed Cindy made Ernie practice crossdressing for months) and learn a 3 part dance. Sairboy sucks. Ernie gets it first and they learn they have to drive the FORD FOCUS (DING DING DING) to oh, shit, I don't know but there is a postbox with the clue.
Marcus doesn't like to stop fir directions...
Sailorboy sucks at the dance.
Grandma, Snowboarders pass them. Sailorboy sucks and his loving dad is bashing him, because he could dance back in the day when he was a frontman for a rock and roll band. Yea, keep telling your stories old man... He finally gets it 4th, but Sandy is already dancing. The NFLs are lost. They get out of their car to finally ask for directions and nobody stops to help the very large black man.
Detour: All Hopped Up or All Churned Up. Teams can either make butter or make rabbits do a steeple chase. Most teams take the butter because animals are unpredictable. Which is a shame because the rabbit thing was totally adorable and easy.
Ernie and Smeagol finish the butter first. They have to head towards some Windmill where there is a U-turn. Even though they are in first, Smeagol wants the precious trip for 2 priiiiiiizzzzzzeeeeeeee. Ernie doesn't want to use the U-turn, and as every argument they are gonna have for the next 50 years of their married life ends, they use the U-turn against the Grandparents.
Teams have to drive to the Havet Ship pit stop.
The grandparents U-turn the Dad and Sailorboy. Fortunately the rabbits are easy. Right about now the NFLs get to the dance thing.
Ernie and Smeagol come in first and I was PRAYING Phil would say, here's a clue you bitch, you're still racing. But, alas, they won a trip to Fiji where they can honeymoon while he heals from the castration.
Jeremy and Sandy figure out they're going in the entirely wrong direction...at least twice. The dad and sailorboy get lost too. Dad is just ranting. It comes down to which pair of these two is less lost and hits less traffic. And.......it's Dad and Son who are OUT.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Survivor: Revenge of the Nerds
Word up.
That return to camp after the big Woody finds his balls tribal council was a little chilly. Oz is right on his ass. "I want to talk to Woody alone". Woody "I didn't watch 11 seasons of Survivor for my fate to be decided by pulling stones out of a bag". Amen Woodman.
Brandon steps into the conversation. "I just want to check nobody's getting aggressive with him". Awwwww. He is kinda sweet for a stupid idiot. Oz "We're not gangsters... You stabbed me in the back and prevented me from taking you only so far before stabbing you in the back, damnit!" "That's how a wiener plays". Oh SNAP, I'm gonna have to use that one at the Sellmans next game night.
Whitney "You disgust me". Ah, shut up ya bitch who has been riding coattails the whole damn way. "I just lost 6 weeks of my life out here". What a bunch of wieners unable to deal with being in the middle or bottom.
Fortunately the whole Upola tribe is still embracing him.
Next morning. Coach "last night was cause for a little Tai Chi celebration. I gotta be humble to go the whole way". Coach asks Woody who is next? Woody: "Jim is the worst of them". I whole heartedly agree.
Oz "I have no strategy....wo is me..."
Challenge: 2 parts: toss coconuts into rings, then the first 4 get to crack coconuts, carry mouthfuls of juice through a maze and spit into a tube. I hate these whole spit things.
Part 1: Dawn, Whitney, Jim and Sophie move on. Oz is totally pissed. Can't stand not being the king.
ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??? In the middle of watching this on Demand my cable was totally 100% taken over by the Billy Graham Network. No FREAKING kidding you. I couldn't change the channel, couldn't do anything for about 5 minutes. WTF???
Ok, I got it back. God, that was totally scary. Second part of the challenge it comes down to Sophie and Jim, until Sophie pukes and Jim wins immunity. Then I puked.
Brandon "It's Ozzy".
Oz talks to Coach. "I don't want to go" "I appreciate this new humility. But it's too little too late".
Dawn starts working it. Gives Coach a pillow and a blanket. "I might have to flip".
Jim, Whitney and Oz are doing the group toilet thing sitting in 2 feet of water. Jim "Woody is a poor excuse for a man...maybe I will give Oz the immunity idol and make the point that only one of us so far has been disloyal..."
Totally fake shot of Oz standing on the beach looking at a rainbow. And I believe they have used this clip more than once.
Tribal
Woody: yes, the reception was chilly at best. Jim was yelling the loudest.
Jim: I said immature things
Woody: I took it all. It was personal, to take control of my destiny. Drawing rocks is not the essence of Survivor.
Jim: We saved him 4 times. No one else out here needs his battles fought for him. He isn't loyal.
Brandon: Enough is enough! The smaller people don't need to take it anymore. We're all behind Woody.
Oz: When did I ever make Woody feel small? Um, are you kidding dude???
Woody: from the first you tried to get people to vote me out due to my size and perceived weakness.
Jim: I am powerful with immunity. I might give it to Oz and turn this all into a referendum on loyalty. (which is kind of ironic since he talked of getting rid of Oz once himself...)
Coach: Or it would turn it into a message that standing up for yourself gets you screwed.
Oz: If I go to redemption I'm gonna be eating and resting and getting ready to come back.
Time to vote. Jim, you keeping immunity? Uh, Yea.
Ozzy is voted off. Interestingly, and I had to go back and rewatch this, even Dawn and Whitney voted for Oz.
"You fell for my master plan..."
Oz is out at redemption doing the Jacque CuOzzy routine. He and Keith eat a bit old fish.
BANG, another challenge. Stand on a beam and balance a ball on a bow. OR.... take your chances and eat lots of sugary stuff.
Coach: " I want to compete...but we're family". Only Jim, Whitney and Dawn compete. The 7 get chowing down on sugar and caffeine.
Jim is out. Dawn "I'll stay as long as I can so you can eat". Woohoo, Dawn is awesome!
Dawn falters and Whitney wins immunity.
Albert starts his little brain spinning. "I think we were way too inclusive with Dawn. I want to nip this in the bud now".
Woody is strutting around camp in the Dragon Slaya's black jacket and the cowboy's hat. LOL. Meanwhile Jim tries to sell Sophie on some big plan. Yea, that's going nowhere. Albert tells Sophie about his better plan to get rid of Dawn first. Sophie, who is perhaps the smartest person playing this game, says, "yea, it's Jim dude".
Coach: Is it gonna be charging Rhino Jim or serpent like Dawn??
Tribal-dark blue.
Is it fair to assume it's Jim or Dawn? Yes.
Albert: Dawn's tough and likable.
Dawn :This is what we would have done had we won. But it was hard for me to watch them eat.
Brandon. Hold on!! You told us to eat!! I am not buying this at all. They are being nice because they have to be.
Dawn: I genuinely want to get to know you...
Brandon: We're not going to stop until they are all gone.
Whitney: I feel all vilified. Boohoooooooo. They don't accept us as real people, just bullies. I when the shoe is on the other foot!!
Brandon: It's hard to see her sit there and cry but we were excluded and mocked until we got power.
Vote. 3 for Edna, 6 for Jim, who is out. I can only imagine the trash talking gonna happen at redemption when these 3 tough men have to admit they were killed by a wimpy little man. Mwahahahahaha.
That return to camp after the big Woody finds his balls tribal council was a little chilly. Oz is right on his ass. "I want to talk to Woody alone". Woody "I didn't watch 11 seasons of Survivor for my fate to be decided by pulling stones out of a bag". Amen Woodman.
Brandon steps into the conversation. "I just want to check nobody's getting aggressive with him". Awwwww. He is kinda sweet for a stupid idiot. Oz "We're not gangsters... You stabbed me in the back and prevented me from taking you only so far before stabbing you in the back, damnit!" "That's how a wiener plays". Oh SNAP, I'm gonna have to use that one at the Sellmans next game night.
Whitney "You disgust me". Ah, shut up ya bitch who has been riding coattails the whole damn way. "I just lost 6 weeks of my life out here". What a bunch of wieners unable to deal with being in the middle or bottom.
Fortunately the whole Upola tribe is still embracing him.
Next morning. Coach "last night was cause for a little Tai Chi celebration. I gotta be humble to go the whole way". Coach asks Woody who is next? Woody: "Jim is the worst of them". I whole heartedly agree.
Oz "I have no strategy....wo is me..."
Challenge: 2 parts: toss coconuts into rings, then the first 4 get to crack coconuts, carry mouthfuls of juice through a maze and spit into a tube. I hate these whole spit things.
Part 1: Dawn, Whitney, Jim and Sophie move on. Oz is totally pissed. Can't stand not being the king.
ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??? In the middle of watching this on Demand my cable was totally 100% taken over by the Billy Graham Network. No FREAKING kidding you. I couldn't change the channel, couldn't do anything for about 5 minutes. WTF???
Ok, I got it back. God, that was totally scary. Second part of the challenge it comes down to Sophie and Jim, until Sophie pukes and Jim wins immunity. Then I puked.
Brandon "It's Ozzy".
Oz talks to Coach. "I don't want to go" "I appreciate this new humility. But it's too little too late".
Dawn starts working it. Gives Coach a pillow and a blanket. "I might have to flip".
Jim, Whitney and Oz are doing the group toilet thing sitting in 2 feet of water. Jim "Woody is a poor excuse for a man...maybe I will give Oz the immunity idol and make the point that only one of us so far has been disloyal..."
Totally fake shot of Oz standing on the beach looking at a rainbow. And I believe they have used this clip more than once.
Tribal
Woody: yes, the reception was chilly at best. Jim was yelling the loudest.
Jim: I said immature things
Woody: I took it all. It was personal, to take control of my destiny. Drawing rocks is not the essence of Survivor.
Jim: We saved him 4 times. No one else out here needs his battles fought for him. He isn't loyal.
Brandon: Enough is enough! The smaller people don't need to take it anymore. We're all behind Woody.
Oz: When did I ever make Woody feel small? Um, are you kidding dude???
Woody: from the first you tried to get people to vote me out due to my size and perceived weakness.
Jim: I am powerful with immunity. I might give it to Oz and turn this all into a referendum on loyalty. (which is kind of ironic since he talked of getting rid of Oz once himself...)
Coach: Or it would turn it into a message that standing up for yourself gets you screwed.
Oz: If I go to redemption I'm gonna be eating and resting and getting ready to come back.
Time to vote. Jim, you keeping immunity? Uh, Yea.
Ozzy is voted off. Interestingly, and I had to go back and rewatch this, even Dawn and Whitney voted for Oz.
"You fell for my master plan..."
Oz is out at redemption doing the Jacque CuOzzy routine. He and Keith eat a bit old fish.
BANG, another challenge. Stand on a beam and balance a ball on a bow. OR.... take your chances and eat lots of sugary stuff.
Coach: " I want to compete...but we're family". Only Jim, Whitney and Dawn compete. The 7 get chowing down on sugar and caffeine.
Jim is out. Dawn "I'll stay as long as I can so you can eat". Woohoo, Dawn is awesome!
Dawn falters and Whitney wins immunity.
Albert starts his little brain spinning. "I think we were way too inclusive with Dawn. I want to nip this in the bud now".
Woody is strutting around camp in the Dragon Slaya's black jacket and the cowboy's hat. LOL. Meanwhile Jim tries to sell Sophie on some big plan. Yea, that's going nowhere. Albert tells Sophie about his better plan to get rid of Dawn first. Sophie, who is perhaps the smartest person playing this game, says, "yea, it's Jim dude".
Coach: Is it gonna be charging Rhino Jim or serpent like Dawn??
Tribal-dark blue.
Is it fair to assume it's Jim or Dawn? Yes.
Albert: Dawn's tough and likable.
Dawn :This is what we would have done had we won. But it was hard for me to watch them eat.
Brandon. Hold on!! You told us to eat!! I am not buying this at all. They are being nice because they have to be.
Dawn: I genuinely want to get to know you...
Brandon: We're not going to stop until they are all gone.
Whitney: I feel all vilified. Boohoooooooo. They don't accept us as real people, just bullies. I when the shoe is on the other foot!!
Brandon: It's hard to see her sit there and cry but we were excluded and mocked until we got power.
Vote. 3 for Edna, 6 for Jim, who is out. I can only imagine the trash talking gonna happen at redemption when these 3 tough men have to admit they were killed by a wimpy little man. Mwahahahahaha.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Survivor: Man Up Woodman!!
Awwww, it looks like someone's testicles have descended! And I don't just mean Justin Bieber! The Woodman grows up!
The tribe is sure the merge is right around the corner. Their plan is for Woody to become a double agent and get info from the other tribe.
Oz arrives at Redemption Island and wakes up Christine. She's surprised to see him and asks what happened? He tells her they voted someone out and he whipped out the idol. Guess who had it? Cochrain. Yep. She seems to buy the story.
Duel time, and everyone comes to watch. Woody is in his mastermind outfit: just the pink vest, without the pink shirt. Oz puts on a big act about getting hoodwinked and voted out. "It's now everyman for himself, I want to get back for revenge..." Yea, no academy award there.
It's the tie together sticks to make a pole, get 3 keys and unlock 3 locks. Winner comes back into the game. Christine builds a sucky pole and Oz kicks her ass.
Jeff announces the merge. And Woody goes to work. He sits with Coach and complains how they treat him. Coach: "yo, our tribe is tight and I'm pretty sure you guys are trying to play us. I've been made fun of all my life...wasn't always the dragon slaya, I know what it feels like." You basically have a choice, we go tribal and have a tie, and draw rocks or you could jump ship.
Woody tells the rest of the blue tribe what Oz did and what the master plan was. I'm supposed to be gathering information. He and Brandon talk and he tells him Kieth is the meanest. Oh, Woody also gives the idol back to Oz.
Dawn has another menopause moment and asks Woody what his plan is. She knows he's been treated badly and is afraid he's gonna jump ship. She cries. "I should have stood up for him earlier..." Leaves the door open of jumping ship as well.
Challenge: dark blue. It's a one man/one woman immunity up for grabs. They have to balance on a little thing and hold a coconut between 2 rods, with ropes. Hard to explain. OH, the new tribe is called Te Tuna which is some play on some stupid south pacific legend. Supposedly.
Dawn and Oz win immunity. Oz asks everyone, "we're still solid, right"? Uhuh. They decide to play the idol and increase their odds in the random draw. They decide to give it to Whitney, who I forget is even in this game.
Woody doesn't believe Survivor should be decided by choosing rocks. He talks to Sophie, who is a little worried whether or not he is telling the truth. He tells Coach, if I do bail, they are gonna tear me apart.
Dawn asks him again his plan. "You're starting a war". She's not flipping, she decides she likes her tribe and wants to stick with them. Woody "I want to control my own choices". Dawn doesn't want him to do it but she doesn't tell anyone.
Tribal
Coach: a tie vote? I guess so!
Oz: yep, with our tribe having both idols, the odds are on our side
Edna: can you see a scenario where it makes sense to flip??
Woody: What are the odds of 2 tribes remaining this unified?? I've never seen it Jeff.
Jim: there is no chance there is a flipper on our side
Albert: we know Oz was acting at the duel, but if they pull out an idol we'll know they were lying. (lol, I don't think Oz figured that one out)
Oz: I do have the idol, you're right. Oh, I mean WE have the idol.
Coach winks at Woody.
Vote. Oz gives Whitney the idol. First vote is a tie between Keith and Rick. They revote for only Rick or Kieth.
Keith is voted off to redemption island. Woody tells Oz, "I swapped, I'll explain later". Jim keeps calling him a coward. Brandon "don't talk to him that way. That's exactly why he flipped". Brandon and Woody walk off holding hands, and Brandon says, "stay close to me little man".
Gettin' good!!!
The tribe is sure the merge is right around the corner. Their plan is for Woody to become a double agent and get info from the other tribe.
Oz arrives at Redemption Island and wakes up Christine. She's surprised to see him and asks what happened? He tells her they voted someone out and he whipped out the idol. Guess who had it? Cochrain. Yep. She seems to buy the story.
Duel time, and everyone comes to watch. Woody is in his mastermind outfit: just the pink vest, without the pink shirt. Oz puts on a big act about getting hoodwinked and voted out. "It's now everyman for himself, I want to get back for revenge..." Yea, no academy award there.
It's the tie together sticks to make a pole, get 3 keys and unlock 3 locks. Winner comes back into the game. Christine builds a sucky pole and Oz kicks her ass.
Jeff announces the merge. And Woody goes to work. He sits with Coach and complains how they treat him. Coach: "yo, our tribe is tight and I'm pretty sure you guys are trying to play us. I've been made fun of all my life...wasn't always the dragon slaya, I know what it feels like." You basically have a choice, we go tribal and have a tie, and draw rocks or you could jump ship.
Woody tells the rest of the blue tribe what Oz did and what the master plan was. I'm supposed to be gathering information. He and Brandon talk and he tells him Kieth is the meanest. Oh, Woody also gives the idol back to Oz.
Dawn has another menopause moment and asks Woody what his plan is. She knows he's been treated badly and is afraid he's gonna jump ship. She cries. "I should have stood up for him earlier..." Leaves the door open of jumping ship as well.
Challenge: dark blue. It's a one man/one woman immunity up for grabs. They have to balance on a little thing and hold a coconut between 2 rods, with ropes. Hard to explain. OH, the new tribe is called Te Tuna which is some play on some stupid south pacific legend. Supposedly.
Dawn and Oz win immunity. Oz asks everyone, "we're still solid, right"? Uhuh. They decide to play the idol and increase their odds in the random draw. They decide to give it to Whitney, who I forget is even in this game.
Woody doesn't believe Survivor should be decided by choosing rocks. He talks to Sophie, who is a little worried whether or not he is telling the truth. He tells Coach, if I do bail, they are gonna tear me apart.
Dawn asks him again his plan. "You're starting a war". She's not flipping, she decides she likes her tribe and wants to stick with them. Woody "I want to control my own choices". Dawn doesn't want him to do it but she doesn't tell anyone.
Tribal
Coach: a tie vote? I guess so!
Oz: yep, with our tribe having both idols, the odds are on our side
Edna: can you see a scenario where it makes sense to flip??
Woody: What are the odds of 2 tribes remaining this unified?? I've never seen it Jeff.
Jim: there is no chance there is a flipper on our side
Albert: we know Oz was acting at the duel, but if they pull out an idol we'll know they were lying. (lol, I don't think Oz figured that one out)
Oz: I do have the idol, you're right. Oh, I mean WE have the idol.
Coach winks at Woody.
Vote. Oz gives Whitney the idol. First vote is a tie between Keith and Rick. They revote for only Rick or Kieth.
Keith is voted off to redemption island. Woody tells Oz, "I swapped, I'll explain later". Jim keeps calling him a coward. Brandon "don't talk to him that way. That's exactly why he flipped". Brandon and Woody walk off holding hands, and Brandon says, "stay close to me little man".
Gettin' good!!!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Survivor Prayer Meeting
Dear Heavenly Father,
I realize that you have just had your 7 billionth child, and many of them are National Geographically poor, and sick, and in pain, and some are even democrats, but if you wouldn't mind ignoring them all for the next 60 minutes, your poorly dressed and unwashed Upolu tribe needs your help in winning a challenge for a game called Survivor. Well, you probably knew that since you invented it through you shepherd, Mark Burnett. And I know he is your shepherd since you let him marry that chick from the Angel show. Anywhoo, even though I am lying to my tribe and hiding the idol in my pants, please help my team win today. If so, I can promise you, on your holy book, should one of us win the $1 million dollar prize, there will be an extra $20 in the plate for your son, Jesus' birthday. In the name of the father, and the of the son, and of Jeff Probst, Amen.
Ok, so I seriously felt like just letting that be the update this week, BUT all of the hullabaloo of this episode made me change my mind.
Coach and that cowboy/rancher dude who says like 2 things a week are discussing what a crazy MoFo Brandon is. And Coach goes all cowboy western quoting about sometimes you need to put a bullet in someone's head. But I'm pretty sure that was just a metaphor, because the liberal networks would NEVER allow a contestant to exercise their God given write to be armed to the teeth wherever they go.
Bang, right to the duel. It's Christine vs the temptress, Mikayla. The duel is to take apart a crate, use the pieces to build a bridge, run over the bridge and TAP THE TABLE, then run back, rip up the bridge and use the pieces to unscramble a puzzle. Albert is yelling help to Mikayla, even though Christine was also a tribe member. Apparently the red tribe is still completely clueless that Christine hates on the Upolo tribe.
Christine wins her 5th duel. Jeff: "You are becoming a legitimate force in this game". Christine: "I have always been a legitimate force, ya dumbass".
Back at the red tribe, Oz is thinking and talking about the upcoming merge. NOTE TO MARK BURNETT: if you really want to throw a new and creative wrench into the game? Don't do the merge when everyone expects it. Seriously, that would be way more interesting than Resurrection island. It might even be better than crucifixion island. But, shhhhh, I won't give next season away. Ozzie is wondering if it would be wise to send SOMEONE to RI to bump off Christine.
He tells this scheme to Woody. Now, Woody. Is his personal item sunscreen? Cause he is getting whiter by the minute. And, I just soooooo want to put a little green felt hat with a feather in it on his little head when he sits in his pink shirt and pink sweater west. It's ridiculous that his mom still dresses him. Ok, so Oz is telling his best friend Woody, ya know the dude whose name he has written down just about every time, about the get rid of Christine scheme. And Woody is trying not to piss himself with the excitement of how friggin stupid this idea is. "We need someone strong to take that old lady out...I would go, of course I'd have to give the idol to someone....and of course get it back...." hahaha "It's a big move but I might have to make it..."
Coach, coach, coach. He's out in the am doing his morning jujitsu routine. "I am not worthy father" Ain't that the truth! While he's doing his wipe on-wipe off routine, Survivor imposes a big giant yellow sun over him. LMAO. After prayer time, Coach calls everyone over. "We have to find the idol today in case of the merge". He, Albert and Sophie have decided to pretend to find it. So after lying to the tribe, Coach has them all pray for help in finding the idol. Yea, I threw up a little myself.
Brandon is sniffing around like a little dog. He and Tex are up and down all the trees on the beach. Sophie and Coach go into the woods (which I would make a sex crack about but Sophie is way way way too smart for this fool). They find tree mail, and decide to call everyone over and say, WOW IS THIS OUR LUCKY DAY! We found tree mail AND the idol. Brandon is running around yelling about how GREAT it is. "Coach and Sophie found it RIGHT AFTER WE PRAYED. GOD IS ON OUR SIDE". Ahem. Just another example of religion being manipulated if you ask me. Brandon is of course too friggin stupid to say, "hey where did you find it?? The clue said near the beach and I looked EVERYWHERE". Yep, too stupid.
The tree mail is all about twin warriors, and pairing up and painting their faces to match.
Challenge: They all come in in war paint, as twins including Brandon wearing a painted on bathing suit top to match his partner. Today's challenge is some kind of paired thing, with 3 callers and blindfolded people running around shit in the water. Wanna know what you're playing for? Eternal salvation?? No, that's next week. This week it's a 100% full on product placement whoredom reward. The winning tribe gets to go to the Survivor Cinema and watch Jack and Jill, a new Adam Sandler movie that probably sucks if it needs this much pushing.
Ok, so the challenge. Coach has Edna knock her head onto just about everything out there. "Duck, Edna".
Woody is either his usual incompetent, or trying to get them to lose and have Oz go to redemption. Not sure frankly. He can't get the ropes tied or untied right, and basically, they lose the challenge.
And, CHRIST, Coach has every one GET ON THEIR KNEES and thank the spaghetti monster. I'm thinking if Coach pulled this shit at a state run publicly financed school of learning he'd be shown the door. Well, unless it was in Texas.
They to to the movies. Yea, and eat. Coach is all family family family. I clearly needed more alcohol for this episode.
Oz is throwing another hissy fit. Kicking the walls and generally losing it. Woody things he's probably not gonna keep his plan and will be getting rid of the woodster. On their return, he tells Woody "you lost it for us". Woody's upset. Oz still wants to get rid of Woody, so he and Dawn are all, "you could totally beat Christine if you just believed in yourself". Seriously?? "It's time for you to redeem yourself". Quoting just about every BAD inspirational poster I have ever seen. Woody's all "Um, I just don't think I could pull off the I'm indestructible, you better be shakin' in your boots, stupid bitch". LOL. I love when he says bitch, I don't know why.
Fortunately for Woody, Oz has a dream about beating Christine. He goes out and gets the idol, and says "I want you all to vote me out". LOL, Jim is loving this! Keith doesn't think it's wise. "If the merge doesn't happen, we're screwed".
Let me take a moment to comment on something that I have left until WAY too late. Usually about now these men are looking all smelly and gross, and the thought of going out into the jungle with one of them is totally disgusting to me. HOWEVER.....and DO NOT TELL JEFF, but I would totally cougar on Keith and make him beg for mercy. Seriously, I'd go all Jane on that Tarzan until his loincloth burst into flames and he begged for help from the animals.
Ok. Tribal. Jeff's in blue but I'm still smoking a cigarette from Keith.
Oz, you showed a lot of emotion today, was there finger pointing? Yes, at Woody.
Woody: I panicked today.
Jim: Woody got frustrated and just threw his hands up.
Woody: Thank GOD I didn't crap myself.
Jeff: Does this happen a lot Woody? And do you sometimes ejaculate too early?? LOL
Dawn, how will redemption island help? If we beat Christine we have the numbers back for the merge
Oz, you plan is for someone from your tribe to beat her and return? How is Woody going to do that? With depends?? No, Jeff, I AM GOING TO DO IT. I had a dream for my own redemption
Jeff: Whaaaaaa???
Oz: We're gonna tell Christine Woody totally played me, that he's a mastermind.
Jeff: You left being an idiot last time....if you don't win the duel, you are gonna be the BIGGEST DOUCHE in Survivor history.....
Yep, they vote, Oz says, "oh I changed my mind......just kidding" and hands the idol to the mastermind. Good luck Christine!!!
I realize that you have just had your 7 billionth child, and many of them are National Geographically poor, and sick, and in pain, and some are even democrats, but if you wouldn't mind ignoring them all for the next 60 minutes, your poorly dressed and unwashed Upolu tribe needs your help in winning a challenge for a game called Survivor. Well, you probably knew that since you invented it through you shepherd, Mark Burnett. And I know he is your shepherd since you let him marry that chick from the Angel show. Anywhoo, even though I am lying to my tribe and hiding the idol in my pants, please help my team win today. If so, I can promise you, on your holy book, should one of us win the $1 million dollar prize, there will be an extra $20 in the plate for your son, Jesus' birthday. In the name of the father, and the of the son, and of Jeff Probst, Amen.
Ok, so I seriously felt like just letting that be the update this week, BUT all of the hullabaloo of this episode made me change my mind.
Coach and that cowboy/rancher dude who says like 2 things a week are discussing what a crazy MoFo Brandon is. And Coach goes all cowboy western quoting about sometimes you need to put a bullet in someone's head. But I'm pretty sure that was just a metaphor, because the liberal networks would NEVER allow a contestant to exercise their God given write to be armed to the teeth wherever they go.
Bang, right to the duel. It's Christine vs the temptress, Mikayla. The duel is to take apart a crate, use the pieces to build a bridge, run over the bridge and TAP THE TABLE, then run back, rip up the bridge and use the pieces to unscramble a puzzle. Albert is yelling help to Mikayla, even though Christine was also a tribe member. Apparently the red tribe is still completely clueless that Christine hates on the Upolo tribe.
Christine wins her 5th duel. Jeff: "You are becoming a legitimate force in this game". Christine: "I have always been a legitimate force, ya dumbass".
Back at the red tribe, Oz is thinking and talking about the upcoming merge. NOTE TO MARK BURNETT: if you really want to throw a new and creative wrench into the game? Don't do the merge when everyone expects it. Seriously, that would be way more interesting than Resurrection island. It might even be better than crucifixion island. But, shhhhh, I won't give next season away. Ozzie is wondering if it would be wise to send SOMEONE to RI to bump off Christine.
He tells this scheme to Woody. Now, Woody. Is his personal item sunscreen? Cause he is getting whiter by the minute. And, I just soooooo want to put a little green felt hat with a feather in it on his little head when he sits in his pink shirt and pink sweater west. It's ridiculous that his mom still dresses him. Ok, so Oz is telling his best friend Woody, ya know the dude whose name he has written down just about every time, about the get rid of Christine scheme. And Woody is trying not to piss himself with the excitement of how friggin stupid this idea is. "We need someone strong to take that old lady out...I would go, of course I'd have to give the idol to someone....and of course get it back...." hahaha "It's a big move but I might have to make it..."
Coach, coach, coach. He's out in the am doing his morning jujitsu routine. "I am not worthy father" Ain't that the truth! While he's doing his wipe on-wipe off routine, Survivor imposes a big giant yellow sun over him. LMAO. After prayer time, Coach calls everyone over. "We have to find the idol today in case of the merge". He, Albert and Sophie have decided to pretend to find it. So after lying to the tribe, Coach has them all pray for help in finding the idol. Yea, I threw up a little myself.
Brandon is sniffing around like a little dog. He and Tex are up and down all the trees on the beach. Sophie and Coach go into the woods (which I would make a sex crack about but Sophie is way way way too smart for this fool). They find tree mail, and decide to call everyone over and say, WOW IS THIS OUR LUCKY DAY! We found tree mail AND the idol. Brandon is running around yelling about how GREAT it is. "Coach and Sophie found it RIGHT AFTER WE PRAYED. GOD IS ON OUR SIDE". Ahem. Just another example of religion being manipulated if you ask me. Brandon is of course too friggin stupid to say, "hey where did you find it?? The clue said near the beach and I looked EVERYWHERE". Yep, too stupid.
The tree mail is all about twin warriors, and pairing up and painting their faces to match.
Challenge: They all come in in war paint, as twins including Brandon wearing a painted on bathing suit top to match his partner. Today's challenge is some kind of paired thing, with 3 callers and blindfolded people running around shit in the water. Wanna know what you're playing for? Eternal salvation?? No, that's next week. This week it's a 100% full on product placement whoredom reward. The winning tribe gets to go to the Survivor Cinema and watch Jack and Jill, a new Adam Sandler movie that probably sucks if it needs this much pushing.
Ok, so the challenge. Coach has Edna knock her head onto just about everything out there. "Duck, Edna".
Woody is either his usual incompetent, or trying to get them to lose and have Oz go to redemption. Not sure frankly. He can't get the ropes tied or untied right, and basically, they lose the challenge.
And, CHRIST, Coach has every one GET ON THEIR KNEES and thank the spaghetti monster. I'm thinking if Coach pulled this shit at a state run publicly financed school of learning he'd be shown the door. Well, unless it was in Texas.
They to to the movies. Yea, and eat. Coach is all family family family. I clearly needed more alcohol for this episode.
Oz is throwing another hissy fit. Kicking the walls and generally losing it. Woody things he's probably not gonna keep his plan and will be getting rid of the woodster. On their return, he tells Woody "you lost it for us". Woody's upset. Oz still wants to get rid of Woody, so he and Dawn are all, "you could totally beat Christine if you just believed in yourself". Seriously?? "It's time for you to redeem yourself". Quoting just about every BAD inspirational poster I have ever seen. Woody's all "Um, I just don't think I could pull off the I'm indestructible, you better be shakin' in your boots, stupid bitch". LOL. I love when he says bitch, I don't know why.
Fortunately for Woody, Oz has a dream about beating Christine. He goes out and gets the idol, and says "I want you all to vote me out". LOL, Jim is loving this! Keith doesn't think it's wise. "If the merge doesn't happen, we're screwed".
Let me take a moment to comment on something that I have left until WAY too late. Usually about now these men are looking all smelly and gross, and the thought of going out into the jungle with one of them is totally disgusting to me. HOWEVER.....and DO NOT TELL JEFF, but I would totally cougar on Keith and make him beg for mercy. Seriously, I'd go all Jane on that Tarzan until his loincloth burst into flames and he begged for help from the animals.
Ok. Tribal. Jeff's in blue but I'm still smoking a cigarette from Keith.
Oz, you showed a lot of emotion today, was there finger pointing? Yes, at Woody.
Woody: I panicked today.
Jim: Woody got frustrated and just threw his hands up.
Woody: Thank GOD I didn't crap myself.
Jeff: Does this happen a lot Woody? And do you sometimes ejaculate too early?? LOL
Dawn, how will redemption island help? If we beat Christine we have the numbers back for the merge
Oz, you plan is for someone from your tribe to beat her and return? How is Woody going to do that? With depends?? No, Jeff, I AM GOING TO DO IT. I had a dream for my own redemption
Jeff: Whaaaaaa???
Oz: We're gonna tell Christine Woody totally played me, that he's a mastermind.
Jeff: You left being an idiot last time....if you don't win the duel, you are gonna be the BIGGEST DOUCHE in Survivor history.....
Yep, they vote, Oz says, "oh I changed my mind......just kidding" and hands the idol to the mastermind. Good luck Christine!!!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
The Survivor Episode Comcast Didn't Want Me To See
Ok, first of all, for the record, this summary is late due to NO FAULT OF MY OWN. First my brother called during the episode last week. I know, I know, WHY DID I ANSWER THE PHONE??? Next, I tried to watch it on demand, and my cable went out for an hour. So I just finally got through it and.....my Dad called during the tally'n of the votes! And if you've been following my Dad drama on FB, I had to take the call :)
Sooooooooo, at the last minute, here's the update!
As we all remember, Oz's squeeze Elyse was voted off to Redemption last week, in an amazing blindside. Oz is PISSED. Like, seriously throw in the towel and forget I'm playing Survivor PISSED. He rants to Woody how blindsides are telling.... yea, rant to Woody who you've tried to get rid of every week. He announces to all that "I'm now a free agent playing for myself". Whitney tries to tell him it wasn't personal and he's all yelling. Dawn says, "give me a break, you hide stuff from us all the time". Oz "oh yea??? How's this for hiding stuff, I HAVE THE IDOL". LOL, epic fail.
OMG, he's a baby. All righteously indignant. Every one's griping about him. Jim is loving the hissy fit. "He's just gonna take his ball and go home". Well, he's gonna take his ball and sit in full view of everyone and do yoga on a rock. Woody has the final comment on the night "he really is behaving like a stupid bitch".
On blue, Coach is all crazy happy about finding the idol. He told Sophie and Albert but isn't telling Brandon. Brandon wakes up all after the clue like a rabid dog, running around sniffing for the clue which he of course being a Hanz finds in the tree trunk. Because that's where Hanz's hide all their valuables and illegal weapons. He shows Coach the clue, because he has a perverse need for approval, then he goes all bloodhound on the beach looking for the idol. It's really extreme insanity. Nobody now wants to tell him Coach has the idol because he's OBSESSED. Funny though, you'd have thought GOD would have given him the 411. Coach is getting a little freaked, having a Russell flashback.
Duel. It's Elyse vs bedraggled Christine. Sophie and Rich, and Oz and Keith are watching. Jeff: "Christine, redemption has become your home". Yes, unfortunately. "It's really hard, boohooo". Shaddup.
Today's challenge is....shuffleboard. C'mon, stop letting grampa design these challenges for god sake. Rick calls to Christine, "Come on, you can do it" and she gives him the finger.
OK, so it's shuffleboard. 'Nuf said. Even trying to make it look interesting, it's not. Christine wins and has to shuffle off to redemption. Rick and Sophie discuss that if she comes back into the game, she's gonna kill them all. Which is probably true.
Blue tribe. Rick and Sophie tell the tribe what a hag Christine has become. Not too many shocked faces.
Edna is still cozying up to Coach, who gets tingles down one leg whenever she's around. He calls her "my little friend out here". Yea, kinda strange. She tells him "we'd be a good, unsuspected team". He tells her not to worry, she's safe and Mikayla is the next to go. He asks her if she's "ready to follow him into battle". There is just something creepy about the whole thing.
On Red, Oz realizes what a douchebag he was and tells Keith he's willing to look past it. He then apologizes to the whole tribe. Jim is loving it. He's got no where to go without us.
Challenge: Race to assemble an IKEA wheelbarrow, drive it through a half assed maze and load it up with coconuts. Then reassemble the wheelbarrow into a slingshot and fire the coconuts at targets.
Wanna know what you're playing for? A trip to sliding rocks water slide, and lunch.
Oz and Dawn are trying to move the wheelbarrow in one of the most unmatched pairs I've ever seen. Blue gets a big lead. But then when it comes to shooting coconuts, Mikayla sucks it big time, HEY USE BOTH HANDS!!! Coach suggests to her over and over again to sit down and let Albert and him shoot the nuts but she refuses. Red of course wins immunity and a visit to wallyworld.
It's a giant Red tribe bonding experience. Nice lunch and then some play time. Even Woody, who is terrified of nature in general goes down the slide.
Blue. Albert wants to keep Mikayla and ditch Edna. He tells her this and tells her he can work on Coach. He makes the case to the others for Edna going. She's too smart and too weak to keep. Everyone pretty much agrees.
Albert talks to Brandon. He now doesn't like Edna, doesn't like her face. Says she looks like she's trying to fool me. But he wants to be a radical for God (aka terrorist??) so he's gonna stick with Edna because they once had an alliance and get rid of Mikayla. Who apparently doesn't give him the hards anymore.
Albert talks to Coach. It's Edna. Coach says no, because it's his fault that they lost the challenge. Mikayla refused to listen to him and is therefore unloyal. Edna would have done what she was told.
Coach talks to Rick. There's railroading going on. Edna will do what she's told. It's basically all in Rick's hands.
Tribal.
It's BORING. All back and forth about strength and loyalty. Is it better to use strength to get to the merge with numbers, or be certain of loyalty when you get to the merge? HEY, IS IT BETTER TO GET TO THE MERGE WITH A RADICAL FOR GOD??? They never listen when I yell at the screen.
Brandon pipes up, "I don't get this. We already agreed that Edna is our 6th person. Vote me out today if we're not gonna stick with loyalty". DO IT DO IT DO IT!!!! "If it's not about loyalty, then you can just throw that million dollars in the fire". Which tells me Brandon is playing a much different, more psychologically insane game than Survivor.
Coach: you can be too honest in this game...
Brandon :You can't tell a half lie, you can's smoke half a cigarette (well, actually you can), you can't have a little lasciviousness. THE WORLD IS BLACK AND WHITE.
Time to vote!
Edna 3, Mikalya 5. Christine, some competition is coming your way!
Sooooooooo, at the last minute, here's the update!
As we all remember, Oz's squeeze Elyse was voted off to Redemption last week, in an amazing blindside. Oz is PISSED. Like, seriously throw in the towel and forget I'm playing Survivor PISSED. He rants to Woody how blindsides are telling.... yea, rant to Woody who you've tried to get rid of every week. He announces to all that "I'm now a free agent playing for myself". Whitney tries to tell him it wasn't personal and he's all yelling. Dawn says, "give me a break, you hide stuff from us all the time". Oz "oh yea??? How's this for hiding stuff, I HAVE THE IDOL". LOL, epic fail.
OMG, he's a baby. All righteously indignant. Every one's griping about him. Jim is loving the hissy fit. "He's just gonna take his ball and go home". Well, he's gonna take his ball and sit in full view of everyone and do yoga on a rock. Woody has the final comment on the night "he really is behaving like a stupid bitch".
On blue, Coach is all crazy happy about finding the idol. He told Sophie and Albert but isn't telling Brandon. Brandon wakes up all after the clue like a rabid dog, running around sniffing for the clue which he of course being a Hanz finds in the tree trunk. Because that's where Hanz's hide all their valuables and illegal weapons. He shows Coach the clue, because he has a perverse need for approval, then he goes all bloodhound on the beach looking for the idol. It's really extreme insanity. Nobody now wants to tell him Coach has the idol because he's OBSESSED. Funny though, you'd have thought GOD would have given him the 411. Coach is getting a little freaked, having a Russell flashback.
Duel. It's Elyse vs bedraggled Christine. Sophie and Rich, and Oz and Keith are watching. Jeff: "Christine, redemption has become your home". Yes, unfortunately. "It's really hard, boohooo". Shaddup.
Today's challenge is....shuffleboard. C'mon, stop letting grampa design these challenges for god sake. Rick calls to Christine, "Come on, you can do it" and she gives him the finger.
OK, so it's shuffleboard. 'Nuf said. Even trying to make it look interesting, it's not. Christine wins and has to shuffle off to redemption. Rick and Sophie discuss that if she comes back into the game, she's gonna kill them all. Which is probably true.
Blue tribe. Rick and Sophie tell the tribe what a hag Christine has become. Not too many shocked faces.
Edna is still cozying up to Coach, who gets tingles down one leg whenever she's around. He calls her "my little friend out here". Yea, kinda strange. She tells him "we'd be a good, unsuspected team". He tells her not to worry, she's safe and Mikayla is the next to go. He asks her if she's "ready to follow him into battle". There is just something creepy about the whole thing.
On Red, Oz realizes what a douchebag he was and tells Keith he's willing to look past it. He then apologizes to the whole tribe. Jim is loving it. He's got no where to go without us.
Challenge: Race to assemble an IKEA wheelbarrow, drive it through a half assed maze and load it up with coconuts. Then reassemble the wheelbarrow into a slingshot and fire the coconuts at targets.
Wanna know what you're playing for? A trip to sliding rocks water slide, and lunch.
Oz and Dawn are trying to move the wheelbarrow in one of the most unmatched pairs I've ever seen. Blue gets a big lead. But then when it comes to shooting coconuts, Mikayla sucks it big time, HEY USE BOTH HANDS!!! Coach suggests to her over and over again to sit down and let Albert and him shoot the nuts but she refuses. Red of course wins immunity and a visit to wallyworld.
It's a giant Red tribe bonding experience. Nice lunch and then some play time. Even Woody, who is terrified of nature in general goes down the slide.
Blue. Albert wants to keep Mikayla and ditch Edna. He tells her this and tells her he can work on Coach. He makes the case to the others for Edna going. She's too smart and too weak to keep. Everyone pretty much agrees.
Albert talks to Brandon. He now doesn't like Edna, doesn't like her face. Says she looks like she's trying to fool me. But he wants to be a radical for God (aka terrorist??) so he's gonna stick with Edna because they once had an alliance and get rid of Mikayla. Who apparently doesn't give him the hards anymore.
Albert talks to Coach. It's Edna. Coach says no, because it's his fault that they lost the challenge. Mikayla refused to listen to him and is therefore unloyal. Edna would have done what she was told.
Coach talks to Rick. There's railroading going on. Edna will do what she's told. It's basically all in Rick's hands.
Tribal.
It's BORING. All back and forth about strength and loyalty. Is it better to use strength to get to the merge with numbers, or be certain of loyalty when you get to the merge? HEY, IS IT BETTER TO GET TO THE MERGE WITH A RADICAL FOR GOD??? They never listen when I yell at the screen.
Brandon pipes up, "I don't get this. We already agreed that Edna is our 6th person. Vote me out today if we're not gonna stick with loyalty". DO IT DO IT DO IT!!!! "If it's not about loyalty, then you can just throw that million dollars in the fire". Which tells me Brandon is playing a much different, more psychologically insane game than Survivor.
Coach: you can be too honest in this game...
Brandon :You can't tell a half lie, you can's smoke half a cigarette (well, actually you can), you can't have a little lasciviousness. THE WORLD IS BLACK AND WHITE.
Time to vote!
Edna 3, Mikalya 5. Christine, some competition is coming your way!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Survivor Blindside!!
Word. I walked 60 miles in 3 days, but the hardest thing I have done in the past week was to RE WATCH that disgusting meat eating challenge so I could blog it for you guys.
Ok. So, Christine and Stacey meet up for a good old bitch session at Redemption Island. Coach is running things...."It ain't hunky dorey at camp". Stacey wants to take coach down.
Blue camp. Brandon is crying (literally) about Mikayla saying the most annoying thing about him is his uncle. She's "clearly prejudiced against Hanz's". Hmmm, maybe because your uncle truly is an evil person?? And, even you say sometimes you want to be different from him, and reclaim the family name but when someone else comments on what an ahole he is, you go all wussy and stand with him and defend him?? GOD I wish there was a whole other reality show where we could watch Russell watch his nephew on Survivor. Because I think Russell would think Brandon is a damn pussy.
Redemption duel. Mikayla and Albert attend, as do Dawn and I think Whitney? Some blonde chick. BANG, right outta the gate Stacey is spewing it. "those 2 are liars...it wasn't a team. Benjamin is making all the decisions" On and on. She refuses to call him Coach. The red team is just soaking it up.
Duel is to drop balls into chutes, pick them up when the come out the other end and repeat. Adding balls when told to. Stacey is just too consumed with meanness to pay attention to spacing the balls or basically anything else. Man, she must be one MEAN ASS mortician. And even though Christine bobbles the balls a couple of times, Stacey drops one and is out.
Back at camp, Albert tells Coach all that Stacey said. He apparently has an issue with being called Benjamin! Who knew!! He's pretty pissed that the other tribe was given all this info. "Can this day get any worse??"
On the red tribe, Oz and Elyse are basically dry humping each other, in the hammock and in the bed. She says they are pals. Uhuh. Woody is just the little worker bee. He's also annoyed with Oz and Elyse lying in bed all day.
Dawn and that other girl return from the duel. They tell everyone what they heard, that Coach is running the show, that he and Albert are aligned. Oz says "if he's smart, he'll get rid of Albert". Jim's like, "oh no you didn't just say that"! He thinks Oz just revealed his strategy.
On blue, Albert is looking for the clue, and finds it. He goes looking for the idol but can't find it. He shares the clue with Coach and Sophie. Coach goes looking for it and finds it. He's almost giddy with excitement.
Red: Oz and Woody go fishing. Woody says he has no skills or confidence. Oz is a great fisherman. He's also a manipulator "I feel like they are all becoming my tribe..." Famous last words! Woody says that this Oz is the middle aged Ozzie. He gets fish but he's really a lazy ass, arrogant fisherman. No love lost there!
And, then it's the challenge. Which, if you saw it, you don't need a replay. And if you didn't see it? Be utterly thankful. Disgusting. 2 roasted pigs are hanging, teams have their hands tied behind their backs and have to bit off chunks of pig and then spit them into baskets. They win immunity and spices, veggies and bread.
I'm not even gonna comment on the people helping each other get the meat out of their teeth. Ugh.
Bottom line, the blue tribe wins the challenge by 2 oz. OMFG, they also get to take the spit out meat back to camp and eat it. Bad, bad, bad, bad.
Red tribe. Woody announces they are all probably gonna get oral herpes from the challenge. LOL. He's like 99% of people have it anyway... He then offers to open coconuts for the team, while Oz lays on his ass with Elyse watching. "Woody's putting on a display of working hard, but he's gone".
Dawn wants to break up Oz and Elyse. Jim still needs another vote. He goes and talks to Keith about Oz's comment regarding getting rid of Albert. Keith is all up for getting rid of Elyse but is afraid Oz will hold it against them if they blindside him.
Keith talks to Whitney. She is also afraid of messing things up with Oz.
Tribal:
Oz: Where are we? We're far from the merge so it's all about strength now.
Elyse: We're strong across the board
Woody: The novelty of tribal has worn off for me.
Jim: Nobody lost the challenge for us. We all could have gotten more food. Lots of injuries though
Jeff: Injuries?? Does legal know?? Cuts, gums, chipped teeth, dislocated jaws...
Dawn: Woody is endearing and I'm learning to be more tolerant of him
Keith: I thought Woody mentioning oral herpes was gross and not funny
Elyse: I feel sorry for Woody
Woody: I know I have quirks but I do think that I am likable.
Elyse: Is it gonna be hard to vote Woody off? He'll appreciate the experience. LOL.
Time to vote and tally. Woody, 2 votes. Dawn, 2 votes (which explains Keith and Whitney), and Elyse is voted off with 3 votes. Bwahahahahaha. Oz looks shocked. Should be good tonight!!!
Ok. So, Christine and Stacey meet up for a good old bitch session at Redemption Island. Coach is running things...."It ain't hunky dorey at camp". Stacey wants to take coach down.
Blue camp. Brandon is crying (literally) about Mikayla saying the most annoying thing about him is his uncle. She's "clearly prejudiced against Hanz's". Hmmm, maybe because your uncle truly is an evil person?? And, even you say sometimes you want to be different from him, and reclaim the family name but when someone else comments on what an ahole he is, you go all wussy and stand with him and defend him?? GOD I wish there was a whole other reality show where we could watch Russell watch his nephew on Survivor. Because I think Russell would think Brandon is a damn pussy.
Redemption duel. Mikayla and Albert attend, as do Dawn and I think Whitney? Some blonde chick. BANG, right outta the gate Stacey is spewing it. "those 2 are liars...it wasn't a team. Benjamin is making all the decisions" On and on. She refuses to call him Coach. The red team is just soaking it up.
Duel is to drop balls into chutes, pick them up when the come out the other end and repeat. Adding balls when told to. Stacey is just too consumed with meanness to pay attention to spacing the balls or basically anything else. Man, she must be one MEAN ASS mortician. And even though Christine bobbles the balls a couple of times, Stacey drops one and is out.
Back at camp, Albert tells Coach all that Stacey said. He apparently has an issue with being called Benjamin! Who knew!! He's pretty pissed that the other tribe was given all this info. "Can this day get any worse??"
On the red tribe, Oz and Elyse are basically dry humping each other, in the hammock and in the bed. She says they are pals. Uhuh. Woody is just the little worker bee. He's also annoyed with Oz and Elyse lying in bed all day.
Dawn and that other girl return from the duel. They tell everyone what they heard, that Coach is running the show, that he and Albert are aligned. Oz says "if he's smart, he'll get rid of Albert". Jim's like, "oh no you didn't just say that"! He thinks Oz just revealed his strategy.
On blue, Albert is looking for the clue, and finds it. He goes looking for the idol but can't find it. He shares the clue with Coach and Sophie. Coach goes looking for it and finds it. He's almost giddy with excitement.
Red: Oz and Woody go fishing. Woody says he has no skills or confidence. Oz is a great fisherman. He's also a manipulator "I feel like they are all becoming my tribe..." Famous last words! Woody says that this Oz is the middle aged Ozzie. He gets fish but he's really a lazy ass, arrogant fisherman. No love lost there!
And, then it's the challenge. Which, if you saw it, you don't need a replay. And if you didn't see it? Be utterly thankful. Disgusting. 2 roasted pigs are hanging, teams have their hands tied behind their backs and have to bit off chunks of pig and then spit them into baskets. They win immunity and spices, veggies and bread.
I'm not even gonna comment on the people helping each other get the meat out of their teeth. Ugh.
Bottom line, the blue tribe wins the challenge by 2 oz. OMFG, they also get to take the spit out meat back to camp and eat it. Bad, bad, bad, bad.
Red tribe. Woody announces they are all probably gonna get oral herpes from the challenge. LOL. He's like 99% of people have it anyway... He then offers to open coconuts for the team, while Oz lays on his ass with Elyse watching. "Woody's putting on a display of working hard, but he's gone".
Dawn wants to break up Oz and Elyse. Jim still needs another vote. He goes and talks to Keith about Oz's comment regarding getting rid of Albert. Keith is all up for getting rid of Elyse but is afraid Oz will hold it against them if they blindside him.
Keith talks to Whitney. She is also afraid of messing things up with Oz.
Tribal:
Oz: Where are we? We're far from the merge so it's all about strength now.
Elyse: We're strong across the board
Woody: The novelty of tribal has worn off for me.
Jim: Nobody lost the challenge for us. We all could have gotten more food. Lots of injuries though
Jeff: Injuries?? Does legal know?? Cuts, gums, chipped teeth, dislocated jaws...
Dawn: Woody is endearing and I'm learning to be more tolerant of him
Keith: I thought Woody mentioning oral herpes was gross and not funny
Elyse: I feel sorry for Woody
Woody: I know I have quirks but I do think that I am likable.
Elyse: Is it gonna be hard to vote Woody off? He'll appreciate the experience. LOL.
Time to vote and tally. Woody, 2 votes. Dawn, 2 votes (which explains Keith and Whitney), and Elyse is voted off with 3 votes. Bwahahahahaha. Oz looks shocked. Should be good tonight!!!
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Survivor: God Must Be Proud.
If it's Tuesday, it must be time for me to feverishly write up the Survivor blog! Because, you know, God wants me to.
So, right up at Savaii, Ozzie and Elyse are snuggling up in a hammock. Smart strategy. Jim sees it and is worried they are getting too friendly. He runs through the jungle yelling "ROB AND AMBER, ROB AND AMBER" at the top of his lungs, straight up to the main strategizer, Woody. Yo, Wood, Elyse is a variable we can't control. She should go. And, wow, IT WOULD BE A BIG MOVE IN SURVIVOR HISTORY. That, in a nutshell is what Woody's whole life has been leading up to, and no doubt why GOD put him on this earth. They shake.
Upolu. Brandon, dude that Hanz family needs to be banned for life from reality TV shows. "This game is all jacked up on Mountain Dew". Ok, he didn't say that but name the movie it's from. "This game is all jacked up with emotion! My pride got to me!" That and the apparently 7 voices in my head at all times. "I shouldna did that". (LOL I have been walking around saying that all week) He goes AGAIN to apologize to Mikayla. She's all, "What a freaking fool. Think before you do something stupid! But look who his uncle is... (literally, followed by a clip of swimming sharks).
Brandon now goes to Edna and tells her he can't lie anymore, there's a core alliance between 5 people not 6, and you are not in it. She's upset. However, unless they didn't show it, at NO TIME does she confront Coach.
Now, I'm not a doctor, although I play one in my own medicine cabinet, but I have heard if you keep a chronic masturbator from wacking off hourly, you get this kind of Brandon-esque behavior. 'S true. You can google chronic masturbation. Preferably from your work computer...LOL.
Savaii: Tree mail. Who wants to go to the 2 PERSON DUEL. Woody wants to go. Who else? Crickets..... Jim says he'll go but he's worried about being too close to the Wood.
They finally get bathing suits. Dawn is happy because she hasn't gone swimming in her underwear because she is a mormon. Well, that just disqualified her from being president of the United States. She's also 40. 40..Forty...Four-Oh. Forty. So she thinks she's the Rudy of the tribe. Rudy, who was like 65 years old.
Before he leaves Jim starts to go on about maybe the tribe should pretend they are weak so that the other tribe starts to think they are weak... and Ozzy starts getting annoyed. "Chill out Bro!" Afterwards, Oz says no strategizing. And Dawn thinks, hmmmm, that's be cause he already strategized without me.
Duel: Christine vs Papa Bear. Papa seeing Wood and Jim "doesn't bother me in the least". Also attending are Brandon and Edna. Brandon has to apologize to her, and says he came clean to everyone else (about the Hanz thing, not the wanking thing), and he want to come clean to her. She accepts it but doesn't buy it.
It's the sandbag toss on the wooden crate challenge. Didn't we just see this??
Papa sucks it, Christine gets a really good lead, blows it, Papa comes on strong, it's tie, it's not, it's tie, it's not, it's tied at 9.....Christine wins! Papa bear rambles on how this has all been a dream.
Upolu: Edna thinks she needs to be cautious and polite. But she goes off trying to be just plain annoying as shit. Just laughing, asking a bazillion questions, even agreeing to walk on Coach's back . Stacey is annoyed.
Which finally brings me to Stacey. Ahhhhhhhhhh. Stacey is one mofo hard ass. Seriously, she reminds me of one of the women on Women of Cell Block H. Like the mean one everyone was afraid of.
Savaii: Woody talks to Dawn about when they were off the camp. Any strategizing? Dawn, "nope". Woody, "we should do something..." Dawn wants Oz to go but would agree to Elyse too.
Challenge, light blue.
3 people from each tribe, 2 men 1 woman, have to hold a pole on their shoulders while the other tribe decides which person gets weight added to their poles. Wanna know what you're playing for? Chickens (1 rooster and 2 hens, which I hear are known as chickens)
Savaii: Keith, Jim and Dawn
Upolu: Brandon, Albert and Stacey
After 26 minutes, Brandon and Jim both have 200 lbs, Keith and Albert have 180 and the ladies (and I use that term loosly) each have 100. Keith is the first out at 180. Apparently 220 lbs is a Survivor record, and Brandon and Jim are about to tie it. But first, Albert falls over. So he's out. 240 lbs, a new record, and Jim then Brandon both are out. It comes down to Dawn and Stacey. BTW, I just checked. Stacey is 44 years old. But she shuts the hell up about it.
Stacey has the pole sitting on her butt. So she's good for hours. Dawn is struggling, and ultimately shifts the pole down her back as well. It's 44 vs 40...struggling....struggling..... But Dawn wins!! Everyone is really happy for her! Well, except Stacey...
Back at Upulu, Coach is saying all nice things about how great Stacey did, and how they just need to let it go and move on, and Stacey's all like, "screw you!!!" Such a charmer. Edna's all worried. She asks Stacey if she should pack her stuff. After a long pause Stacey says, "Girl, you ain't talked to me for days, I don't know what you should do".
Coach talks to Stacey. "Where do I stand". "I'm not gonna lie to you, it's between Edna and you". Stacey:" Well, I might not walk on your back but I do pull my weight..." Stacey leaves then runs into Brandon..."you better watch out, Mikayla, Sophie and Albert are talking..."
Brandon runs right to Coach and says, "well we got us another problem". "AGAIN???" Brandon starts telling him what Stacey said and Coach loses it. STOP IT!! You're listening to someone on death row over your alliance. This game is gonna get a lot worse so you gotta stop taking everything as fact". COACH, WAKE THE HELL UP!!!!
Sophie "I gotta reshuffle some stuff. Brandon is a mini Russell Hanz (which is redundant in itself)." Coach..."he could ruin us all...I'm here for the 3rd AND POSSIBLY FINAL time (god lets hope so), and I can't trust him.
Tribal, dark blue of course.
Stacey, I held on as long as I could
Coach, is it a good news/bad news being the one that held on but ultimately lost it? Nope, Stacey wasn't on the fence today, she pulled her weight.
Sophie: Strength is defined by numbers and by physical strength in this game. So if you come down to the merge with the numbers, but with people you can't trust, that's not safe.
Jeff "let's try some group therapy"
Rick, what is most annoying about Albert? HUH? I'm just sitting here trying to get away without ever talking. "I guess his snoring"
Brandon, what's most annoying about Edna? She talks A LOT
Edna-does that ring true? Nope
Edna, what's annoying about Stacey? It's difficult to engage her.
Stacey-true? "What this asian white girl want from me? I open up when I need to and when I want to".
Mikayla, what's annoying about Brandon..."Who his uncle is..." Jeff, who is his uncle? Russell Hanz. "oh you told them??"
Mikayla, blood's blood.
Brandon (cue the harp) "I'm proud of being a Hanz. I love my uncle and he played well. Sometimes we fight the temptation...I wanna be someone God is proud of... (oh for crap sake...was he treated like Carrie as a child, locked in the dark closet with the creepy Jesus picture staring at him all day??) It all went down with my family when Russell went baaaaad. I don't wanna be baaaaad I wanna reclaim the family name. CrazyHanz.
Albert: trust is what tonight's vote is all about.
And, OF COURSE I'm all about thinking lil Hanz is going to redemption island, where Jesus IS NOT, but nooooooooooo.
Stacey is voted off. Coach wants everyone to hug her but she ain't having none of that!
So, right up at Savaii, Ozzie and Elyse are snuggling up in a hammock. Smart strategy. Jim sees it and is worried they are getting too friendly. He runs through the jungle yelling "ROB AND AMBER, ROB AND AMBER" at the top of his lungs, straight up to the main strategizer, Woody. Yo, Wood, Elyse is a variable we can't control. She should go. And, wow, IT WOULD BE A BIG MOVE IN SURVIVOR HISTORY. That, in a nutshell is what Woody's whole life has been leading up to, and no doubt why GOD put him on this earth. They shake.
Upolu. Brandon, dude that Hanz family needs to be banned for life from reality TV shows. "This game is all jacked up on Mountain Dew". Ok, he didn't say that but name the movie it's from. "This game is all jacked up with emotion! My pride got to me!" That and the apparently 7 voices in my head at all times. "I shouldna did that". (LOL I have been walking around saying that all week) He goes AGAIN to apologize to Mikayla. She's all, "What a freaking fool. Think before you do something stupid! But look who his uncle is... (literally, followed by a clip of swimming sharks).
Brandon now goes to Edna and tells her he can't lie anymore, there's a core alliance between 5 people not 6, and you are not in it. She's upset. However, unless they didn't show it, at NO TIME does she confront Coach.
Now, I'm not a doctor, although I play one in my own medicine cabinet, but I have heard if you keep a chronic masturbator from wacking off hourly, you get this kind of Brandon-esque behavior. 'S true. You can google chronic masturbation. Preferably from your work computer...LOL.
Savaii: Tree mail. Who wants to go to the 2 PERSON DUEL. Woody wants to go. Who else? Crickets..... Jim says he'll go but he's worried about being too close to the Wood.
They finally get bathing suits. Dawn is happy because she hasn't gone swimming in her underwear because she is a mormon. Well, that just disqualified her from being president of the United States. She's also 40. 40..Forty...Four-Oh. Forty. So she thinks she's the Rudy of the tribe. Rudy, who was like 65 years old.
Before he leaves Jim starts to go on about maybe the tribe should pretend they are weak so that the other tribe starts to think they are weak... and Ozzy starts getting annoyed. "Chill out Bro!" Afterwards, Oz says no strategizing. And Dawn thinks, hmmmm, that's be cause he already strategized without me.
Duel: Christine vs Papa Bear. Papa seeing Wood and Jim "doesn't bother me in the least". Also attending are Brandon and Edna. Brandon has to apologize to her, and says he came clean to everyone else (about the Hanz thing, not the wanking thing), and he want to come clean to her. She accepts it but doesn't buy it.
It's the sandbag toss on the wooden crate challenge. Didn't we just see this??
Papa sucks it, Christine gets a really good lead, blows it, Papa comes on strong, it's tie, it's not, it's tie, it's not, it's tied at 9.....Christine wins! Papa bear rambles on how this has all been a dream.
Upolu: Edna thinks she needs to be cautious and polite. But she goes off trying to be just plain annoying as shit. Just laughing, asking a bazillion questions, even agreeing to walk on Coach's back . Stacey is annoyed.
Which finally brings me to Stacey. Ahhhhhhhhhh. Stacey is one mofo hard ass. Seriously, she reminds me of one of the women on Women of Cell Block H. Like the mean one everyone was afraid of.
Savaii: Woody talks to Dawn about when they were off the camp. Any strategizing? Dawn, "nope". Woody, "we should do something..." Dawn wants Oz to go but would agree to Elyse too.
Challenge, light blue.
3 people from each tribe, 2 men 1 woman, have to hold a pole on their shoulders while the other tribe decides which person gets weight added to their poles. Wanna know what you're playing for? Chickens (1 rooster and 2 hens, which I hear are known as chickens)
Savaii: Keith, Jim and Dawn
Upolu: Brandon, Albert and Stacey
After 26 minutes, Brandon and Jim both have 200 lbs, Keith and Albert have 180 and the ladies (and I use that term loosly) each have 100. Keith is the first out at 180. Apparently 220 lbs is a Survivor record, and Brandon and Jim are about to tie it. But first, Albert falls over. So he's out. 240 lbs, a new record, and Jim then Brandon both are out. It comes down to Dawn and Stacey. BTW, I just checked. Stacey is 44 years old. But she shuts the hell up about it.
Stacey has the pole sitting on her butt. So she's good for hours. Dawn is struggling, and ultimately shifts the pole down her back as well. It's 44 vs 40...struggling....struggling..... But Dawn wins!! Everyone is really happy for her! Well, except Stacey...
Back at Upulu, Coach is saying all nice things about how great Stacey did, and how they just need to let it go and move on, and Stacey's all like, "screw you!!!" Such a charmer. Edna's all worried. She asks Stacey if she should pack her stuff. After a long pause Stacey says, "Girl, you ain't talked to me for days, I don't know what you should do".
Coach talks to Stacey. "Where do I stand". "I'm not gonna lie to you, it's between Edna and you". Stacey:" Well, I might not walk on your back but I do pull my weight..." Stacey leaves then runs into Brandon..."you better watch out, Mikayla, Sophie and Albert are talking..."
Brandon runs right to Coach and says, "well we got us another problem". "AGAIN???" Brandon starts telling him what Stacey said and Coach loses it. STOP IT!! You're listening to someone on death row over your alliance. This game is gonna get a lot worse so you gotta stop taking everything as fact". COACH, WAKE THE HELL UP!!!!
Sophie "I gotta reshuffle some stuff. Brandon is a mini Russell Hanz (which is redundant in itself)." Coach..."he could ruin us all...I'm here for the 3rd AND POSSIBLY FINAL time (god lets hope so), and I can't trust him.
Tribal, dark blue of course.
Stacey, I held on as long as I could
Coach, is it a good news/bad news being the one that held on but ultimately lost it? Nope, Stacey wasn't on the fence today, she pulled her weight.
Sophie: Strength is defined by numbers and by physical strength in this game. So if you come down to the merge with the numbers, but with people you can't trust, that's not safe.
Jeff "let's try some group therapy"
Rick, what is most annoying about Albert? HUH? I'm just sitting here trying to get away without ever talking. "I guess his snoring"
Brandon, what's most annoying about Edna? She talks A LOT
Edna-does that ring true? Nope
Edna, what's annoying about Stacey? It's difficult to engage her.
Stacey-true? "What this asian white girl want from me? I open up when I need to and when I want to".
Mikayla, what's annoying about Brandon..."Who his uncle is..." Jeff, who is his uncle? Russell Hanz. "oh you told them??"
Mikayla, blood's blood.
Brandon (cue the harp) "I'm proud of being a Hanz. I love my uncle and he played well. Sometimes we fight the temptation...I wanna be someone God is proud of... (oh for crap sake...was he treated like Carrie as a child, locked in the dark closet with the creepy Jesus picture staring at him all day??) It all went down with my family when Russell went baaaaad. I don't wanna be baaaaad I wanna reclaim the family name. CrazyHanz.
Albert: trust is what tonight's vote is all about.
And, OF COURSE I'm all about thinking lil Hanz is going to redemption island, where Jesus IS NOT, but nooooooooooo.
Stacey is voted off. Coach wants everyone to hug her but she ain't having none of that!
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