Ok, so at this point I can't even remember if I did an update last week. Sorry if I did not. There was a really funny one in my head, y'all would have loved it. So. Last week John, the Rocket Scientist, went to the jury and we all learned Etroll made $1.7 million last year as an oil company owner. Drill Baby Drill.
So, last time I predicted Shamwow was gonna come at Etroll like a spider monkey. Not so much. Yes, she was mad but E just mesmerized her with his hot body and told her, "John was mad at Shamwow and Etroll did her a favor by getting rid of him" . Oh, and here's a taffy little girl, run off and play in the sand. Shamwow wants Danger Dave next.
Jaison et al are lounging on the beach discussing how Russell is the biggest threat cause he has played the game most excellently. Jaison gets his fancy ivy league knickers in a twist. Jaison explains that he and Etroll are partners, and he is the silent SMART guy in the background. Now Jaison thinks he needs to start showing how smart and full of strategery he is. BRETT TALKS!!! Says Etroll doesn't need the money cause he made $2 million last year.
Immunity Challenge. Bang, no reward. Jeff is in like a putty colored shirt. Ooooh, what highly intellectual and physically demanding thing will they have to do to prove their worth? Oh, christ, it's a bowling challenge. Or, as my mother would call it, "Polish Night Out". Paired up. Shamwow kicks Natalie's ass. Russell kicks Brett's mute ass. Jaison kicks Monica's ass. Danger Dave rolls a strike and kicks Mick's ass. Round 2 (and where is our damn waitress??) Sham kicks Russells ass, Jaison, who has some queer ass underhanded English style of bowling, kicks Dave's ass. Final Round, and still no god damn waitress. Jaison kicks Sham's ass and wins immunity. And, trust me, this recap was way more enjoyable than the actual show.
Ok, time for plotting. Deep breath, here we go: Sham wants Dave (not sexually, god no, she wants him gone), Etroll tells Monica Dave is going. When did the troll and Monica get to be buddies?? Monica makes a case for Sham going, plants a seed in Etroll's little primative brain. Hmmmmm, maybe it shouldn't be Dave. Etroll talks to Dave. Says it's between Dave and Sham. Dave doesn't trust Etroll. I just want to know how on day 32 Dave is still white as a friggin ghost. Etroll is getting a little schizo.
Tribal. Jaison rambles some high brow shit. Shamwow does some jury working/ass kissing. Jeff asks Dave basically "who do you have to screw to stay around?" Dave apparently does not know who to screw and gives some lame answer. Dave is voted off. Etroll sends another pissed off person to the jury.
Ok, that all happened in like the first 20 minutes. So now back to camp. Brett apparently clears his throat and Etroll finally notices he exists. He must be destroyed cause he is suddenly A HUGE THREAT. Mick is getting all girly and freaking out. Asks the Troll, "like, we all can't be in the final 4, are you taking me??" And, as all women know, men hate this kind of "chose one" shit. So, Etroll is nervous that Mick is nervous. Seriously, they need meds in the water.
Back for another Immunity challenge. BANG, it's going fast tonight. I think some of the Survivors have visa problems. Anyway, the challenge is not dominos or a game of jacks, but......wait for it...... they have to run out into the water, bring back a friggin pillow, use a level thingy and launch the pillow into a basket. LAME ASS. Oh, and as if I wasn't annoyed enough, Jeff has to make some crack about Natalie "struggling to keep her clothes on". WTF?? Jeff honey, I know you miss me but stay strong. That's why we both wear promise rings while you are away. Like, I promise not to sleep with any more of these dirty sleezy ho's. I will spare you the details, and tell you Brett wins immunity. He gets a kiss from Shamwow. Ugh.
Back at camp. Etroll: it's Monica.
Brett talks AGAIN. He and Monica work on Mick. Tell him Etroll is taking Natalie and Shamwow to the finale. Mick freaks, goes to Jaison. Meanwhile, Monica works on Etroll again. This time about Jaison. She tells Etroll she can make or break him on the jury. Mentions they all know he made a gazillion dollars last year. Etroll throws a hissy fit, comfronts Natalie, then goes to Brett. "Who told you I was Richie Rick?" It was Jaison. OOOOOOOhhhhhhhhh. Etroll confronts Jaison. Jaison talks to Mick and Natalie about maybe getting rid of Etroll.
Tribal. Jeff is in pale green. Notice we have not seen the dark blue "meet me at the motel 6 in Pottstown" shirt in a while. FYI-Dave looks worse cleaned up.
Etroll puts on the immunity necklace right off.
Brett: "See y'all, Etroll is way way way too comfortable"
Shamwow: "this was the worst day at camp. Etroll threw a hissy fit"
Monica just sits and gloats that she pushed Etroll's buttons and created some doubt.
Etroll: "I know I am fine, Jeff"
Time to vote. Monica is the next member of the angry jury.
AIGA
Jaison Kim
Mick Wendy
Russell Donna
Natalie Carolyn
Brett Pam
Shamwow Jeff and Eileen
Gone:
Marisa Ginnie
Mike Karen and John
Betsy Becky and Mary
Ben Nancy D
Yasmin Elayne
Ashley Tess
Russell S Lori
Elizabeth Leslie
Erik Terri
Kelly Kevin and Matt
Laura Kelly
John Joanne
Dave Amy
Monica Stacey
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Survivor Week 8
Yo peeps, what up? It's MERGE MANIA week!! Although I don't remember merging before there are 10 people left, but everyone seems convinced it's MERGE DAY. Etroll is excited cause, "I'm too sly for this game".
Over on Galout, Laura and Shamwow are going at it.
Treemail! Oooh, it's vague. TO MERGE OR NOT TO MERGE, that is the question. Tribes show up on the beach again, and find a treasure chest but NO FRIGGIN JEFF. He better not be off shagging some Samoan Ho instead of doing his show.
Yes, it's a merge, and a feast. The new tribe will live at Galout. They go back and eat chicken, cheese, fruit, beer and cake. Burp. Shamwow eats enough that she has to go off and float in the water. Not a pretty picture. Tribe has a new name, AIGA which I think was one of the banks that went out of business screwing me out of my 401K. It's Somalian for "extended dysfunctional family".
Etroll decides to put his plan into action. He's such a little dwarf swagger dick. "Who gets grapes fed to them? The Kings do". His plan includes sending FF out to make friends with Galout. And, to basically expose himself to everyone.
Natalie feels like she's staying at the Hilton, which if you have ever stayed at the Hilton in NYC, you can totally relate to. Laura is her mother hen.
Etroll has many "tricks up his sleeve". But basically the only trick he has is the idol in his pocket. He chums it up with his Christian soulmate, Laura, and shows her the idol. He promises her top 7. Top 7?? WTF?? Laura isn't buying what he's selling. "Desperate people do desperate things". Russell tells her the first rule: the first one to go has to be a Galout member. "That ain't gonna happen". Oooh, Laura has just "dug her own grave". Seriously, someone needs to dig up Etroll's backyard and see how many bodies are burried there.
Etroll next tries Monica. Shows her the idol, tells her she's the only one he has told about it. I mean, c'mon. Why not just dress in a raincoat and walk around exposing the idol, dude? He offers her top 2. Does he really think she isn't gonna compare notes with Laura?? Next, he shows John the idol. Tells him he wants Laura gone in return. John is interested in the deal. John, let's remember, is a friggin rocket scientist.
Etroll finally hits rock bottom when he is flirting with Shamwow. They have the "southern connection", aka absolute stupidity. Lots of Laura trash talking. Shamwow: "Russell is cut from the same cloth as me". Uhuh. That would be polyester I believe. Etroll : "It's easy to control these minds".
Challenge, and JEFF IS BACK!!!!! And, he's in spearmint. Hmmmm, my own little mint julep. It's an individual immunity challenge and this time there's a boy and a girl immunity. The challenge is....t-ball. Are you kidding me?? What's next week, the coloring within the lines challenge? In this lame ass challenge you have to hit the ball onto a little course marked with numbers 1-5. Oh, and a totally stupid basket for 10 points. In violation of Title IX, boys play boys, girls play girls.
Dave's up first. Jeff: "Dave is this your sport?" "My sport is making looooove". Gag. Seriously, you got Jeff there in all of his minty glory, and you have skank Dave proclaiming himself a loooove machine. Give me a break. Dave hits a 3. Jaison, the non-athletic black dude gets an out. Etroll swaggers up and manages to get a 4. Brett (whose name I didn't even remember he's so quiet) is also out. Mick gets a 2 and Erik strikes out. It's up to John to take the little sausage outta Etroll's pants. Bang, John gets a 5. John wins immunity!! Etroll looks like he's gonna wet himself.
The ladies (and I use that term loosely) are up. Natalie is as lame as you would expect and gets out. Monica gets a 2. Kelly whose hair is totally getting on my nerves gets a 3. Sham is up and fails to WOW with a really bad out. Seriously, what is her value?? Finally it comes down to Laura. Karma, it's a bitch. Laura hits a 4 and gets immunity!
Back to camp, let the scrambling begin. Etroll now wants Monica. Shamwow says, "forget that".
Laura tells Erik that Russell has the idol. Erik wants to flush the idol away from Etroll and then vote off the useless Jaison. John tells Erik he wants to do a switcheroo and get rid of Monica. Thinks getting rid of someone from FF is "junior varsity Survivor". Erik and John are thinking Monica, and tell Dave and Brett who don't like the plan. Thinks Erik is crazy with power.
Erik then approaches Mick, Natalie and Jaison with the notion of voting for Monica without telling Etroll, so that they can flush out his immunity idol. Jaison thinks Erik is treating them like idiots. They decide to vote for Erik.
Natalie, the newest cast member of 90210 tells the girls that F2 is voting Erik. The girls like this idea. Tell Dave about it. Dave tells Shamwow. She goes (I swear to god), "Who's Erik??" LMAO. Can't wait for the "how well do you know your teammates challenge".
Tribal Council. Jeff is in blue. Seriously, doesn't blue bring out his eyes?
Erik: "Jeff, I struggle to see anything F2 has to offer"
Etroll: "I don't like pity. He's gonna be surprised"
Erik has to bag on Jaison. Say's he's useless, not living up to his potential.
Jaison for some reason suggest Erik read his resume. Says, "Jeff, these personal attacks eat at me, remind me of being a poor black child, well except for the fact that my family was upper middle class" or something like that. I pretty much chugged during his whole speech.
Etroll: "we can still make this happen" Uhuh, keep taking your meds troll.
Erik: "This competitiveness of the trolls is misdirected".
Vote, and time to tally the vote. Jeff FORGETS to ask if anyone has the idol and wants to play it. He musta been thinking of me in my HOT snorkeling outfit. Etroll plays his idol. Shoots his wad. You get the picture.
Jeff reads the votes. Jaison gets 2 votes, Erik gets 7. Erik is voted off. Shamwow is totally confused!
AIGA
Jaison Kim
Mick Wendy
Russell Donna
Natalie Carolyn
Brett Pam
Dave Amy
John Joanne
Kelly Kevin and Matt
Laura Kelly
Monica Stacey
Shamwow Jeff and Eileen
Gone:
Marisa Ginnie
Mike Karen and John
Betsy Becky and Mary
Ben Nancy D
Yasmin Elayne
Ashley Tess
Russell S Lori
Elizabeth Leslie
Erik Terri
Over on Galout, Laura and Shamwow are going at it.
Treemail! Oooh, it's vague. TO MERGE OR NOT TO MERGE, that is the question. Tribes show up on the beach again, and find a treasure chest but NO FRIGGIN JEFF. He better not be off shagging some Samoan Ho instead of doing his show.
Yes, it's a merge, and a feast. The new tribe will live at Galout. They go back and eat chicken, cheese, fruit, beer and cake. Burp. Shamwow eats enough that she has to go off and float in the water. Not a pretty picture. Tribe has a new name, AIGA which I think was one of the banks that went out of business screwing me out of my 401K. It's Somalian for "extended dysfunctional family".
Etroll decides to put his plan into action. He's such a little dwarf swagger dick. "Who gets grapes fed to them? The Kings do". His plan includes sending FF out to make friends with Galout. And, to basically expose himself to everyone.
Natalie feels like she's staying at the Hilton, which if you have ever stayed at the Hilton in NYC, you can totally relate to. Laura is her mother hen.
Etroll has many "tricks up his sleeve". But basically the only trick he has is the idol in his pocket. He chums it up with his Christian soulmate, Laura, and shows her the idol. He promises her top 7. Top 7?? WTF?? Laura isn't buying what he's selling. "Desperate people do desperate things". Russell tells her the first rule: the first one to go has to be a Galout member. "That ain't gonna happen". Oooh, Laura has just "dug her own grave". Seriously, someone needs to dig up Etroll's backyard and see how many bodies are burried there.
Etroll next tries Monica. Shows her the idol, tells her she's the only one he has told about it. I mean, c'mon. Why not just dress in a raincoat and walk around exposing the idol, dude? He offers her top 2. Does he really think she isn't gonna compare notes with Laura?? Next, he shows John the idol. Tells him he wants Laura gone in return. John is interested in the deal. John, let's remember, is a friggin rocket scientist.
Etroll finally hits rock bottom when he is flirting with Shamwow. They have the "southern connection", aka absolute stupidity. Lots of Laura trash talking. Shamwow: "Russell is cut from the same cloth as me". Uhuh. That would be polyester I believe. Etroll : "It's easy to control these minds".
Challenge, and JEFF IS BACK!!!!! And, he's in spearmint. Hmmmm, my own little mint julep. It's an individual immunity challenge and this time there's a boy and a girl immunity. The challenge is....t-ball. Are you kidding me?? What's next week, the coloring within the lines challenge? In this lame ass challenge you have to hit the ball onto a little course marked with numbers 1-5. Oh, and a totally stupid basket for 10 points. In violation of Title IX, boys play boys, girls play girls.
Dave's up first. Jeff: "Dave is this your sport?" "My sport is making looooove". Gag. Seriously, you got Jeff there in all of his minty glory, and you have skank Dave proclaiming himself a loooove machine. Give me a break. Dave hits a 3. Jaison, the non-athletic black dude gets an out. Etroll swaggers up and manages to get a 4. Brett (whose name I didn't even remember he's so quiet) is also out. Mick gets a 2 and Erik strikes out. It's up to John to take the little sausage outta Etroll's pants. Bang, John gets a 5. John wins immunity!! Etroll looks like he's gonna wet himself.
The ladies (and I use that term loosely) are up. Natalie is as lame as you would expect and gets out. Monica gets a 2. Kelly whose hair is totally getting on my nerves gets a 3. Sham is up and fails to WOW with a really bad out. Seriously, what is her value?? Finally it comes down to Laura. Karma, it's a bitch. Laura hits a 4 and gets immunity!
Back to camp, let the scrambling begin. Etroll now wants Monica. Shamwow says, "forget that".
Laura tells Erik that Russell has the idol. Erik wants to flush the idol away from Etroll and then vote off the useless Jaison. John tells Erik he wants to do a switcheroo and get rid of Monica. Thinks getting rid of someone from FF is "junior varsity Survivor". Erik and John are thinking Monica, and tell Dave and Brett who don't like the plan. Thinks Erik is crazy with power.
Erik then approaches Mick, Natalie and Jaison with the notion of voting for Monica without telling Etroll, so that they can flush out his immunity idol. Jaison thinks Erik is treating them like idiots. They decide to vote for Erik.
Natalie, the newest cast member of 90210 tells the girls that F2 is voting Erik. The girls like this idea. Tell Dave about it. Dave tells Shamwow. She goes (I swear to god), "Who's Erik??" LMAO. Can't wait for the "how well do you know your teammates challenge".
Tribal Council. Jeff is in blue. Seriously, doesn't blue bring out his eyes?
Erik: "Jeff, I struggle to see anything F2 has to offer"
Etroll: "I don't like pity. He's gonna be surprised"
Erik has to bag on Jaison. Say's he's useless, not living up to his potential.
Jaison for some reason suggest Erik read his resume. Says, "Jeff, these personal attacks eat at me, remind me of being a poor black child, well except for the fact that my family was upper middle class" or something like that. I pretty much chugged during his whole speech.
Etroll: "we can still make this happen" Uhuh, keep taking your meds troll.
Erik: "This competitiveness of the trolls is misdirected".
Vote, and time to tally the vote. Jeff FORGETS to ask if anyone has the idol and wants to play it. He musta been thinking of me in my HOT snorkeling outfit. Etroll plays his idol. Shoots his wad. You get the picture.
Jeff reads the votes. Jaison gets 2 votes, Erik gets 7. Erik is voted off. Shamwow is totally confused!
AIGA
Jaison Kim
Mick Wendy
Russell Donna
Natalie Carolyn
Brett Pam
Dave Amy
John Joanne
Kelly Kevin and Matt
Laura Kelly
Monica Stacey
Shamwow Jeff and Eileen
Gone:
Marisa Ginnie
Mike Karen and John
Betsy Becky and Mary
Ben Nancy D
Yasmin Elayne
Ashley Tess
Russell S Lori
Elizabeth Leslie
Erik Terri
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Survivor Update Week 7
Yo, Day 16 and some of these girls are getting kind of mangy looking. Like, a couple of them have the dreaded "thighs don't touch at the top of the leg" disease. Nasty. What man is going to for that look?
Galout is without their leader, GoodRussell. The men do the math and figure out they would be better off with Shamwow on their side. They rig a vote for a new leader, and before the girls can figure out what happened, Shamwow is chosen as the new leader. She gives a really heartwarming speech, about the military, apple pie and not making 90210 get up before 9am. The boys are happy but Dave says, "Shamwow is so dim, she could still screw it up."
Over of F2, Etroll is all happy cause 5 people is almost the same as 8...
Challenge: It's a memory game. 13 pairs of matching items are on little tables with cute little straw hats on them. Teams have to match the items, uncovering 2 at a time. You either get to keep the item or you get a point. Etroll goes, John, Jaison and then Laura gets the first match which is a Romco Fire Starter Kit, wrapped in a tarp. Galout keeps the item. The keep going along. and it's so friggin boring even Survivor has to speed it up. Etroll is getting all confused. End of the day, Galout wins reward, a sail and lunch. Shamwow sends Laura to F2.
Cut to Kelly for the best line of the season: "It's like Sham was raised in a trailor park, married the rich guy in town and is now driving around in a jaguar". Hmmmm, which of course makes me thing Kelly was raised in a trailor park and has a little bit of experience with jealousy.
On F2, everyone is all friendly to Laura. Etroll invites her into his web, I mean to go get crabs (god, I was really scared for a minute here). Laura says to him, "so you have twins" , which is the first I have heard it. Etroll goes on to tell her his daddy is a minister and, GOSH Laura is a theology student, although she doesn't believe in "women being ministers". She does apparently believe in lady ministers walking around half naked on cbs. Etroll offers her an alliance when the two tribes join, cause they are both "good christians". He also lies to her about Ben finding and then hiding the idol, just like any good christian would do.
Galout goes off to their reward, and OMFG, it's the ship from Pirate Master, Jesus, please tell me no one is gonna be put on the black spot today and have to prove why they should not walk the lame ass plank. They get beef stew, bread and, according to Dave who I SWEAR is light in the loafers, "some really lovely scones".
On F2, Liz is trying to look busy but has to listen to Laura and Natalie discuss inspirational christian literature. Liz doesn't like the spiritual book of the month club and tells Etroll all about it.
Immunity Challenge: Jeff is in blue of course but his pants either got wet or he has a bladder condition. Hmmmm. Don't know if I could go with a man who wears depends, no matter how cute the dimples. Paddle out in the water, "fish" for wooden fish (dude, is this like a Child Learning Center game??) and then, wait for it, DO A PUZZLE.
Ok, so first of all F2 has no leadership necklace on, and Jeff asks about it cause his mom gets paid $50K a season to craft this shit up. They left it back at the tribe because they think it has bad juju. Then the fish are in such shallow water that both teams just walk their boats out to them instead of paddling. Lame ass. F2 gets all of their "fish" first and paddle in. Galout is following behind but kicking ass on the paddling. Jaison basically gives up.
It's rainbow fish! And, oh how FRIGGIN cute, their tails form a little pattern. Dave must be wetting himself. Galout wins immunity AGAIN. This time under Shamwow's steady leadership.
Back on F2, Etroll's giddy happy spirit of the morning has left him. "These idiots are gonna cost me $1 million." He wants Jaison gone, until Liz wants Jaison gone, then he apparently changes his mind. Liz is feeling pretty safe,
Tribal, Jeff is in medium blue.
Jeff: you have lost 8 out of 10 challenges making you the worst overall team in Survivor history (which I disagree with cause wasn't there a tribe that went down to 2 members before a merge??).
Natalie: no use getting negative Jeff
Etroll: "Do you still wake up thinking today's the day"? Oh yea, Jeff, we're just waiting for the merge to start kicking ass
Liz: "Do you trust these aholes?" Of course Jeff, cause I am one of them
Mick: "You stupid too?" Oh yes, Jeff, I loves me my team
Etroll;" Is it hard to vote someone off if you are all so tight?" Oh yes, Jeff, we're very tight. And we're gonna be an tighter 4.
Jaison: "Wassup? You look like you think these people are aholes" Why yes, Jeff, I secretely cannot stand these aholes, and in fact,I lame assed it in the challenge hoping they would vote me out of this hell.
Time to vote. Liz is out. SURPRISE!!
F2
Jaison Kim
Mick Wendy
Russell Donna
Natalie Carolyn
Galout
Brett Pam
Dave Amy
Erik Terri
John Joanne
Kelly Kevin and Matt
Laura Kelly
Monica Stacey
Shamwow Jeff and Eileen
Gone:
Marisa Ginnie
Mike Karen and John
Betsy Becky and Mary
Ben Nancy D
Yasmin Elayne
Ashley Tess
Russell S Lori
Elizabeth Leslie
Galout is without their leader, GoodRussell. The men do the math and figure out they would be better off with Shamwow on their side. They rig a vote for a new leader, and before the girls can figure out what happened, Shamwow is chosen as the new leader. She gives a really heartwarming speech, about the military, apple pie and not making 90210 get up before 9am. The boys are happy but Dave says, "Shamwow is so dim, she could still screw it up."
Over of F2, Etroll is all happy cause 5 people is almost the same as 8...
Challenge: It's a memory game. 13 pairs of matching items are on little tables with cute little straw hats on them. Teams have to match the items, uncovering 2 at a time. You either get to keep the item or you get a point. Etroll goes, John, Jaison and then Laura gets the first match which is a Romco Fire Starter Kit, wrapped in a tarp. Galout keeps the item. The keep going along. and it's so friggin boring even Survivor has to speed it up. Etroll is getting all confused. End of the day, Galout wins reward, a sail and lunch. Shamwow sends Laura to F2.
Cut to Kelly for the best line of the season: "It's like Sham was raised in a trailor park, married the rich guy in town and is now driving around in a jaguar". Hmmmm, which of course makes me thing Kelly was raised in a trailor park and has a little bit of experience with jealousy.
On F2, everyone is all friendly to Laura. Etroll invites her into his web, I mean to go get crabs (god, I was really scared for a minute here). Laura says to him, "so you have twins" , which is the first I have heard it. Etroll goes on to tell her his daddy is a minister and, GOSH Laura is a theology student, although she doesn't believe in "women being ministers". She does apparently believe in lady ministers walking around half naked on cbs. Etroll offers her an alliance when the two tribes join, cause they are both "good christians". He also lies to her about Ben finding and then hiding the idol, just like any good christian would do.
Galout goes off to their reward, and OMFG, it's the ship from Pirate Master, Jesus, please tell me no one is gonna be put on the black spot today and have to prove why they should not walk the lame ass plank. They get beef stew, bread and, according to Dave who I SWEAR is light in the loafers, "some really lovely scones".
On F2, Liz is trying to look busy but has to listen to Laura and Natalie discuss inspirational christian literature. Liz doesn't like the spiritual book of the month club and tells Etroll all about it.
Immunity Challenge: Jeff is in blue of course but his pants either got wet or he has a bladder condition. Hmmmm. Don't know if I could go with a man who wears depends, no matter how cute the dimples. Paddle out in the water, "fish" for wooden fish (dude, is this like a Child Learning Center game??) and then, wait for it, DO A PUZZLE.
Ok, so first of all F2 has no leadership necklace on, and Jeff asks about it cause his mom gets paid $50K a season to craft this shit up. They left it back at the tribe because they think it has bad juju. Then the fish are in such shallow water that both teams just walk their boats out to them instead of paddling. Lame ass. F2 gets all of their "fish" first and paddle in. Galout is following behind but kicking ass on the paddling. Jaison basically gives up.
It's rainbow fish! And, oh how FRIGGIN cute, their tails form a little pattern. Dave must be wetting himself. Galout wins immunity AGAIN. This time under Shamwow's steady leadership.
Back on F2, Etroll's giddy happy spirit of the morning has left him. "These idiots are gonna cost me $1 million." He wants Jaison gone, until Liz wants Jaison gone, then he apparently changes his mind. Liz is feeling pretty safe,
Tribal, Jeff is in medium blue.
Jeff: you have lost 8 out of 10 challenges making you the worst overall team in Survivor history (which I disagree with cause wasn't there a tribe that went down to 2 members before a merge??).
Natalie: no use getting negative Jeff
Etroll: "Do you still wake up thinking today's the day"? Oh yea, Jeff, we're just waiting for the merge to start kicking ass
Liz: "Do you trust these aholes?" Of course Jeff, cause I am one of them
Mick: "You stupid too?" Oh yes, Jeff, I loves me my team
Etroll;" Is it hard to vote someone off if you are all so tight?" Oh yes, Jeff, we're very tight. And we're gonna be an tighter 4.
Jaison: "Wassup? You look like you think these people are aholes" Why yes, Jeff, I secretely cannot stand these aholes, and in fact,I lame assed it in the challenge hoping they would vote me out of this hell.
Time to vote. Liz is out. SURPRISE!!
F2
Jaison Kim
Mick Wendy
Russell Donna
Natalie Carolyn
Galout
Brett Pam
Dave Amy
Erik Terri
John Joanne
Kelly Kevin and Matt
Laura Kelly
Monica Stacey
Shamwow Jeff and Eileen
Gone:
Marisa Ginnie
Mike Karen and John
Betsy Becky and Mary
Ben Nancy D
Yasmin Elayne
Ashley Tess
Russell S Lori
Elizabeth Leslie
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Survivor Samoa Week 6
Yo, today's update is brought to you by DayQuil. Let's see if it is funnier than usual!
Usual rehash, Ashley is gone. It's raining, and to prove it's wet, let's show some skank wrinkled feet. Niiiice. Everyone has hut fever.
Jaison is miserable. Man, this dude better suck it up. He would die in the hood. ETroll loves the weather, loves everyone being miserable. Loves loves loves it. I think if I were there I would kill Etroll, skin him and everyone could stay nice and cozy under his skin. Mmmm, lots of whale blubber for the oil lamps too.
Awww, thanks Jeff!!! He included pictures of our snorkeling trip. God, y'all should have seen Jeff in his Speedo. Yowza!!
Galout: So, now 90210 wishes they had that Eddie Bauer tarp instead of these wet nasty pillows and blankets. Damn that GoodRussell for thinking of us! And, why is GoodRussell out there doing all the work? He's making us look bad. "It's a bit unnecessary". Yea, cause the fire will keep itself lit, kids.
FF: Mick is basically laying inside the Keebler idol tree to stay dry. Etroll, who loves the rain, calls his whole team "worthless". "Where they from, NY City??" Lots o' misery.
Cue Maureen McGovern, "there's got to be a morning aaaaaaaafter". Galout wakes up to a double rainbow. They all stumble out onto the beach as the clouds part, and sunshine shoots out of their asses. It's really moving,
Challenge: Jeff is in baby blue. Today's challenge: one member of the tribe will be strapped into a bamboo gerbil ball, while 2 other members are blindfolded and roll the ball down towards...shit, a game board. The seeing person gets to yell directions. Wanna know what you're playing for? OOOH, THE NEW LEOPARD SNUGGIE??? Nope, hot pizza. Hot cause there are freakin brick ovens in the jungles of Samoa. Um, Jeff, can one of those be veggie? No, damnit. And, there is gonna be a double elimination tonight, with the winning team watching the losing team's tribal therapy session while eating their HOT pizza. (Note: the HOT is just another of our little secret messages. So cute).
For Galout, Laura is in the ball, with Erik and GoodRussell rollin'. FF has Liz the crafty Asian in the ball with Etroll and Jaison rollin'. Ok, so they are rolling. It's kinda interesting but I would have barfed long ago. FF is doing really well, they get lost once but cut in front of Galout. Galout gets to the gay table maze first but Liz is upside down.
Galout gets kinda lost in the weeds, and finally they get Laura in place but GoodRussell is totally exhausted. He's weaving. In fact, he has lays his head on the game board before falling down.
Game stops. Medical! GoodRussell is down with that dreaded low blood pressure. Probster declares the challenge over with no winner (cause they now have to give the pizza to Medical as payment) but both tribes still have to go to tribal. Everyone leaves. Russell lays there kinda out of it while Jeff, my love, eulogizes him. It was kinda sweet and kinda freaky actually. But, still hot.
It's Home Alone over on Galout without Russell there to tell them to breathe in and out.
Oooh, more underwater shots. This time of circling sharks. Da dum...da dum...
Natalie and Liz decide they should both pack their bags. Etroll wants Liz gone. Not so sure on how this is gonna come out.
Galout: Shamwow is trying to hang with the cool girls and they treat her like the cootie ridden hag she is. She asks them not to write her name down and they are like, "um, yea, haven't really thought that through yet". She goes on and on about how she made the fire for the first 8 days, which does nothing for these biatches. Monica's all torqued cause Shamwow wrote her name down last time.
Over on the boys side, they think Monica is the weakest girl. Plus, no one really wants to do her (cause you know that's what they really mean). They like Shamwow cause she's manly. Plus she has no alliances and no power. The men are gunning for Monica to break up the Monica-Laura relationship. Shamwow asks them how to vote. They don't trust her but tell her to wink wink vote consistently with your last vote. She asks them all and finally gets it that she should vote for Monica. "But, lock it up, Sham".
Joint Tribal! Jeff is still in the blue. He explains that GoodRussell will not be coming back. Jeff says he was very scared by Russell. POOR JEFF. Everyone is SAAAAAD about Russell. Just SAAAADDD on and on with the damn SAAAAADDDD. Christ.
Shamwow: why not quit? I am not a quitter, Jeff
Dave: What's the status? Well, Jeff, Galout is clearly ahead
EvilTroll: What's the attitude on FF? Fine, we're ready now to start kicking ass
Mick: Does today's challenge feel like a moral victory? (me: MORAL VICTORY??? are we overblowing the importance of Survivor just a bit, honey??) Yes, we are back
Erik: Does it concern you that they think they won today? No, still a bunch of p(bleeeeep)sies
Psych! No vote, no one else is going home tonight. Etroll: "This is the turning point of the game". GAME ON!
Foa Foa
Jaison Kim
Mick Wendy
Russell H Donna
Marisa Ginnie
Elizabeth Leslie
Natalie Carolyn
Galu
Brett Pam
Dave Amy
Erik Terri
John Joanne
Kelly Kevin and Matt
Laura Kelly
Monica Stacey
Shamwow Jeff and Eileen
Gone:
Marisa Ginnie
Mike Karen and John
Betsy Becky and Mary
Ben Nancy D
Yasmin Elayne
Ashley Tess
Russell S Lori
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Survivor Samoa Week 4
Yo, did you hear there was another earthquake on Samoa, during next season's filming of Survivor 20?? Anyone else notice I was away then?? Baby, if this island is a rocking, don't bother knocking.
Ok, so last week Jaison was just wrung out about the tribal council. He's also hungry and tired and thinks going on Survivor was "the worst decision of my life". He vents to E-troll, who tries to cheer him up (as if...), but when Jaison fails to respond to his lucky charms, E-troll wants him gone. Hmmm, anger management problem or what?? E-troll: "Whoever I want to go it gone. It's all under my dwarf like thumb".
Shamwow goes back to camp 90210, wishing she were over at Foa squared. Man, she really is a military girl if she would rather be in that war zone! She and Erik talk about the idol on F2, and decide if there's one on F2 there might be one in the same location of Galout. John gets in on it too and she shares all of her info with them.
Tree mail: send 2 members of each tribe for a quest. E-troll, Mick and Natalie go for F2, GoodRussell, Dave and Shamwow for Galout. WTF??? They get there and there is NO JEFF. waaaaaahhhhhhhh. So, no Probster but a cage of chickens and a pirate chest. Holy shit, they found the beach where Pirate Master was filmed. I just had a seizure thinking about how MOST OF YOU PEOPLE BAILED AND MADE ME FINISH WATCHING THAT DOG. Shamwow, thinking out loud, says, I wonder if we are supposed to just go ahead without Jeff? I don't know, Shamwow, how about we ask the cameramen and the entire fricken crew?? Shamwow runs to the chickens, while everyone else runs for the pirate chest. While Shamwow is busy petting the FOOD, everyone else finds a chest of bocce balls and a note. Hmmmm, is bocce indigenous to Samoa?? It's basically horseshoes with balls.
F2 is in the lead throughout the challenge until the balls. E-troll is all arrogant and shit. He rolls his ball closest. Dave focuses for a sec then tosses the final ball, which lands right up against the stick – Galout wins reward. “It’s so ludicrous that we can’t even pull off freakin’ bocce ball,” Mick pouts.
Back at Galout, Erik gets everyone working and goes looking for the idol. He finds it and swears to not tell a soul about it. The bocce victors return with the chickens, which Shamwow says she will take care of due to her farming experience. Yea, 5 seconds later she loses one. Everyone runs around chasing the chicken, including Erik who trips on a closeline (yes, I did laugh). The chicken flies into a tree, and Shamwow is amazed that the chickens can fly. Me too, cause the ones at Acme NEVER fly.
Storm time, and E-troll is tired of Jaison. He decides to take Natalie, aka Pharma Barbie, to the end cause she's too stupid.
Galout: the girls are all tired of Yasmean.
Immunity Challenge WITH JEFF!!!! Wooooo hooooo. In baby blue. Mmmmmmm.
Ok, the challenge is a block stacking kindergarten thingy. Tribes will race across a net run carrying wooden blocks. When they reach a platform, they stack the blocks . Then across a rope bridge to another platform with...more blocks. Stack these even higher. The first tribe to get both stacks completed wins immunity. Galout is kicking ass until Monica blows the lead at the rope bridge thingy. It's dead even until Kelly drops her last 2 blocks and Pharma Barbie gets hers stacked. Foa wins immunity!
Galout has to vote someone out. GoodRussell lobbies for Monica cause she sucked it at the challenge. Dave, Monica and Laura want Yasmean out cause she's lazy and annoying. Shamwow and Yasmean talk and Yasmean starts telling Sham that she's in trouble cause she lost the chicken. Erik joins Kelly, Dave, John and Brett, and is surprised that they want to get rid of Yasmean instead of Monica. Right before tribal, GoodRussell finds out they all want Yasmean.
Tribal:
Brett is on Yasmean about being lazy, she says she does whatever she's told. Russell says performance at challenges is how they should decide. Monica defends her performance. The vote. Yasmean is out. Damn it. I could used that money :)
Foa Foa
Jaison Kim
Mick Wendy
Russell H Donna
Marisa Ginnie
Elizabeth Leslie
Natalie Carolyn
Ashley Tess
Galu
Brett Pam
Dave Amy
Erik Terri
John Joanne
Kelly Kevin and Matt
Laura Kelly
Monica Stacey
Russell S Lori
Shamwow Jeff and Eileen
Gone:
Marisa Ginnie
Mike Karen and John
Betsy Becky and Mary
Ben Nancy D
Yasmin Elayne
Ok, so last week Jaison was just wrung out about the tribal council. He's also hungry and tired and thinks going on Survivor was "the worst decision of my life". He vents to E-troll, who tries to cheer him up (as if...), but when Jaison fails to respond to his lucky charms, E-troll wants him gone. Hmmm, anger management problem or what?? E-troll: "Whoever I want to go it gone. It's all under my dwarf like thumb".
Shamwow goes back to camp 90210, wishing she were over at Foa squared. Man, she really is a military girl if she would rather be in that war zone! She and Erik talk about the idol on F2, and decide if there's one on F2 there might be one in the same location of Galout. John gets in on it too and she shares all of her info with them.
Tree mail: send 2 members of each tribe for a quest. E-troll, Mick and Natalie go for F2, GoodRussell, Dave and Shamwow for Galout. WTF??? They get there and there is NO JEFF. waaaaaahhhhhhhh. So, no Probster but a cage of chickens and a pirate chest. Holy shit, they found the beach where Pirate Master was filmed. I just had a seizure thinking about how MOST OF YOU PEOPLE BAILED AND MADE ME FINISH WATCHING THAT DOG. Shamwow, thinking out loud, says, I wonder if we are supposed to just go ahead without Jeff? I don't know, Shamwow, how about we ask the cameramen and the entire fricken crew?? Shamwow runs to the chickens, while everyone else runs for the pirate chest. While Shamwow is busy petting the FOOD, everyone else finds a chest of bocce balls and a note. Hmmmm, is bocce indigenous to Samoa?? It's basically horseshoes with balls.
F2 is in the lead throughout the challenge until the balls. E-troll is all arrogant and shit. He rolls his ball closest. Dave focuses for a sec then tosses the final ball, which lands right up against the stick – Galout wins reward. “It’s so ludicrous that we can’t even pull off freakin’ bocce ball,” Mick pouts.
Back at Galout, Erik gets everyone working and goes looking for the idol. He finds it and swears to not tell a soul about it. The bocce victors return with the chickens, which Shamwow says she will take care of due to her farming experience. Yea, 5 seconds later she loses one. Everyone runs around chasing the chicken, including Erik who trips on a closeline (yes, I did laugh). The chicken flies into a tree, and Shamwow is amazed that the chickens can fly. Me too, cause the ones at Acme NEVER fly.
Storm time, and E-troll is tired of Jaison. He decides to take Natalie, aka Pharma Barbie, to the end cause she's too stupid.
Galout: the girls are all tired of Yasmean.
Immunity Challenge WITH JEFF!!!! Wooooo hooooo. In baby blue. Mmmmmmm.
Ok, the challenge is a block stacking kindergarten thingy. Tribes will race across a net run carrying wooden blocks. When they reach a platform, they stack the blocks . Then across a rope bridge to another platform with...more blocks. Stack these even higher. The first tribe to get both stacks completed wins immunity. Galout is kicking ass until Monica blows the lead at the rope bridge thingy. It's dead even until Kelly drops her last 2 blocks and Pharma Barbie gets hers stacked. Foa wins immunity!
Galout has to vote someone out. GoodRussell lobbies for Monica cause she sucked it at the challenge. Dave, Monica and Laura want Yasmean out cause she's lazy and annoying. Shamwow and Yasmean talk and Yasmean starts telling Sham that she's in trouble cause she lost the chicken. Erik joins Kelly, Dave, John and Brett, and is surprised that they want to get rid of Yasmean instead of Monica. Right before tribal, GoodRussell finds out they all want Yasmean.
Tribal:
Brett is on Yasmean about being lazy, she says she does whatever she's told. Russell says performance at challenges is how they should decide. Monica defends her performance. The vote. Yasmean is out. Damn it. I could used that money :)
Foa Foa
Jaison Kim
Mick Wendy
Russell H Donna
Marisa Ginnie
Elizabeth Leslie
Natalie Carolyn
Ashley Tess
Galu
Brett Pam
Dave Amy
Erik Terri
John Joanne
Kelly Kevin and Matt
Laura Kelly
Monica Stacey
Russell S Lori
Shamwow Jeff and Eileen
Gone:
Marisa Ginnie
Mike Karen and John
Betsy Becky and Mary
Ben Nancy D
Yasmin Elayne
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Survivor Samoa: Week 3
Yo, and welcome to another fine update from Survivor: Post-racial America, where a dumb ass southern cracker isn't allowed to act like a dumb ass southern cracker. Oh, apologies to those of you who live below the mason dixon line. Ima gonna type slow for ya.
Again, don't expect to read anything on Galout, cause, well, they don't have the evil sausage man on their side. Nothing funny about watching doves fly out of everyone's butt. Oh, and speaking of that, I am also not going to discuss the "did you poop" conversation. Cause this is a high brow update.
Jaison and Mick have it out for Ben from the get go. "He's a mental plague". Me thinks they are a pair of those intellectual elites we're always hearing about lately. Danger!!
The evil troll is asking his long hair blonde bimbo who she thinks should go next. She doesn't know or, could it be?? She's smart enough to keep her mouth shut? She's a hairstylist too, just like Yasmean. Snap, I'm hoping for a haircut challenge! The E-troll continues his one-on-one rants: "Ima have them all under my control like zombies". I'm guessing he didn't get enough love as a child.
Sticking with F2, Ben is making fire. He's a big fire maker. He tells everyone that he is the only one who should make fire cause they are almost out of flint. WTF?? In 19 seasons of Survivor I don't believe there was ever a time when they ran out of flint. Not even the time they actually almost starved and had to dive into a rain swollen river for a bag of rice a roni. Like, it's not like that strip on the side of the box of 25 matches that wears out after the 18th match (you can laugh but pay attention next time).
Ooooh, wait!! A glimpse of life on Galout. Oh, Christ, it's yoga time. Shamwow hates yoga. It's communism. Or socialism. Whatever, they're both the same anyway. God damn kids and their yoga. I'll show 'em what a downward dog means in the military.
Back on F2. E-troll wants Ben to stay. Cause they are soulmates and he's hoping they can exchange emails after the show. E-troll tells Ben Ashley wants him gone. E-troll want Ashley gone. Wait, is it me or did he make an alliance with all of the people he wants to eliminate first? Dude, you try to keeeeeep the people you are in an alliance with longer. That's the point of forming an alliance. Oh, E-troll loves to get people fighting, loves it. "Everybody trusts me". Famous last words as the blondes put their little blonde heads together...
Tree mail! Oh, it's from Lands End and contains their bathing suits. Shamwow is stoked cause she got her size XXL Champion Sports Bra.
Challenge (and, I'm going out on a limb and thinking water is gonna be involved). Jeff is in Light Blue. Hotter than the cheese inside a hot pocket. It's a swim/battle zone. Cause that whole beat the crap out of each other went over so well last time. But, this time, JEFF OFFERS A STERN WARNING. Two from each team "swim" out and retrieve puzzle crates (ACK!!) but, they have to get through a scrappy opponent. Expect lots of pixilation!! Wanna know what you're playing for? Actually another opportunity for the crew to watch some girl on girl actual (with Asian!!) but we're gonna tell you immunity and either useful stuff or pillows from the Ty Pennington collection at Sears (ding).
Ok, Ben sucks and can't stop anyone. Oh my god. I almost spit my vodka out as John and Dave run out holding hands in THE MOST GAY SWIMSUITS ever on Survivor. Seriously. And, they match!! I was so grossed out that I basically missed the challenge or the point of the crates. But, big surprise, Galout wins immunity!! GoodRussell gets to chose either the really useful stuff or the pillows. He takes the pillows cause he wants to "take care of his ladies". Very Marvin Gaye of him. He also sends Shamwow to F2.
Shamwow is used to visiting people's houses obviously, since she doesn't rush in like a JACKASS and offend everyone. She's just soo darn nice! Jokes with them all about the 90210 crowd doing yoga every morning. F2 is incredulous! Yoga!! Who has time with all of the backstabbing you have to get in during the day! E-troll stands off to the side and seethes hatred. Shamwow gets the clue about the immunity idol and while pretending to teach the blondes skills like, um fire building and cleaning up the yard, she looks all over the tree that used to hold the idol. Fortunately for all the rest of us, she does not look down E-troll's gray underpants for the idol.
Time for some strategerie. Jaison says, if Ben's not gone, I'm done. He won't take the racism anymore. Russell, Liz and Ben all want to get rid of Ashley. Mick isn't sure. E-troll promises Mick that after Ashley, Ben is next. He shares the idol with him to numb him to E-trolls charms. E-troll " This is what God made me for". What, Survivor?? LOL. Mick, E-troll and Jaison discuss. Jaison is adamant.
Tribal Council. Jeff is in a nice spearmint green color. Mmmm mmmm mmmmm. I could lick him like a cone of mint chocolate chip ice cream.
Jaison: Did you like Shamwow? Yes, Jeff, we would like to trade her for Ben who is negative. Bang, right outta the box.
Ben: Who's in trouble tonight? Ashley is weak, even though she works out tons at home on the gym that folds under the bed.
Ashley: Why you? Dunno cause I am sooo not weak or negative
Jaison: Ben, you are a bully. Oh, and you were a fag in the challenge.
E-Troll: What's going on? Ben said racial stuff that upset Jaison.
Jeff: Jaison, how can we heal things? How about a group hug, buddy?
Jaison: There's no million dollars worth sitting here with Ben (I beg to differ...)
Ben: What? I said she was ghetto trash. That's not racial. I purposely did NOT use the N word.
Jaison: So, southern dude, is that how you speak to a lady?
Ben: Yasmean isn't a lady like this white, southern girl sitting next to me.
Jaison: You should have some historical concept of what you are saying. If you don't get it maybe you are just ignorant. Um, he ain't never gonna get that, Jaison.
Ben: You wanna apologize? Nope
Time to vote. Ashley gets one vote. Ben is off to the klan meeting.
Foa Foa
Jaison Kim
Mick Wendy
Russell H Donna
Marisa Ginnie
Elizabeth Leslie
Natalie Carolyn
Ashley Tess
Galu
Brett Pam
Dave Amy
Erik Terri
John Joanne
Kelly Kevin and Matt
Laura Kelly
Monica Stacey
Russell S Lori
Shamwow Jeff and Eileen
Yasmin Elayne
Gone:
Marisa Ginnie
Mike Karen and John
Betsy Becky and Mary
Ben Nancy D
Again, don't expect to read anything on Galout, cause, well, they don't have the evil sausage man on their side. Nothing funny about watching doves fly out of everyone's butt. Oh, and speaking of that, I am also not going to discuss the "did you poop" conversation. Cause this is a high brow update.
Jaison and Mick have it out for Ben from the get go. "He's a mental plague". Me thinks they are a pair of those intellectual elites we're always hearing about lately. Danger!!
The evil troll is asking his long hair blonde bimbo who she thinks should go next. She doesn't know or, could it be?? She's smart enough to keep her mouth shut? She's a hairstylist too, just like Yasmean. Snap, I'm hoping for a haircut challenge! The E-troll continues his one-on-one rants: "Ima have them all under my control like zombies". I'm guessing he didn't get enough love as a child.
Sticking with F2, Ben is making fire. He's a big fire maker. He tells everyone that he is the only one who should make fire cause they are almost out of flint. WTF?? In 19 seasons of Survivor I don't believe there was ever a time when they ran out of flint. Not even the time they actually almost starved and had to dive into a rain swollen river for a bag of rice a roni. Like, it's not like that strip on the side of the box of 25 matches that wears out after the 18th match (you can laugh but pay attention next time).
Ooooh, wait!! A glimpse of life on Galout. Oh, Christ, it's yoga time. Shamwow hates yoga. It's communism. Or socialism. Whatever, they're both the same anyway. God damn kids and their yoga. I'll show 'em what a downward dog means in the military.
Back on F2. E-troll wants Ben to stay. Cause they are soulmates and he's hoping they can exchange emails after the show. E-troll tells Ben Ashley wants him gone. E-troll want Ashley gone. Wait, is it me or did he make an alliance with all of the people he wants to eliminate first? Dude, you try to keeeeeep the people you are in an alliance with longer. That's the point of forming an alliance. Oh, E-troll loves to get people fighting, loves it. "Everybody trusts me". Famous last words as the blondes put their little blonde heads together...
Tree mail! Oh, it's from Lands End and contains their bathing suits. Shamwow is stoked cause she got her size XXL Champion Sports Bra.
Challenge (and, I'm going out on a limb and thinking water is gonna be involved). Jeff is in Light Blue. Hotter than the cheese inside a hot pocket. It's a swim/battle zone. Cause that whole beat the crap out of each other went over so well last time. But, this time, JEFF OFFERS A STERN WARNING. Two from each team "swim" out and retrieve puzzle crates (ACK!!) but, they have to get through a scrappy opponent. Expect lots of pixilation!! Wanna know what you're playing for? Actually another opportunity for the crew to watch some girl on girl actual (with Asian!!) but we're gonna tell you immunity and either useful stuff or pillows from the Ty Pennington collection at Sears (ding).
Ok, Ben sucks and can't stop anyone. Oh my god. I almost spit my vodka out as John and Dave run out holding hands in THE MOST GAY SWIMSUITS ever on Survivor. Seriously. And, they match!! I was so grossed out that I basically missed the challenge or the point of the crates. But, big surprise, Galout wins immunity!! GoodRussell gets to chose either the really useful stuff or the pillows. He takes the pillows cause he wants to "take care of his ladies". Very Marvin Gaye of him. He also sends Shamwow to F2.
Shamwow is used to visiting people's houses obviously, since she doesn't rush in like a JACKASS and offend everyone. She's just soo darn nice! Jokes with them all about the 90210 crowd doing yoga every morning. F2 is incredulous! Yoga!! Who has time with all of the backstabbing you have to get in during the day! E-troll stands off to the side and seethes hatred. Shamwow gets the clue about the immunity idol and while pretending to teach the blondes skills like, um fire building and cleaning up the yard, she looks all over the tree that used to hold the idol. Fortunately for all the rest of us, she does not look down E-troll's gray underpants for the idol.
Time for some strategerie. Jaison says, if Ben's not gone, I'm done. He won't take the racism anymore. Russell, Liz and Ben all want to get rid of Ashley. Mick isn't sure. E-troll promises Mick that after Ashley, Ben is next. He shares the idol with him to numb him to E-trolls charms. E-troll " This is what God made me for". What, Survivor?? LOL. Mick, E-troll and Jaison discuss. Jaison is adamant.
Tribal Council. Jeff is in a nice spearmint green color. Mmmm mmmm mmmmm. I could lick him like a cone of mint chocolate chip ice cream.
Jaison: Did you like Shamwow? Yes, Jeff, we would like to trade her for Ben who is negative. Bang, right outta the box.
Ben: Who's in trouble tonight? Ashley is weak, even though she works out tons at home on the gym that folds under the bed.
Ashley: Why you? Dunno cause I am sooo not weak or negative
Jaison: Ben, you are a bully. Oh, and you were a fag in the challenge.
E-Troll: What's going on? Ben said racial stuff that upset Jaison.
Jeff: Jaison, how can we heal things? How about a group hug, buddy?
Jaison: There's no million dollars worth sitting here with Ben (I beg to differ...)
Ben: What? I said she was ghetto trash. That's not racial. I purposely did NOT use the N word.
Jaison: So, southern dude, is that how you speak to a lady?
Ben: Yasmean isn't a lady like this white, southern girl sitting next to me.
Jaison: You should have some historical concept of what you are saying. If you don't get it maybe you are just ignorant. Um, he ain't never gonna get that, Jaison.
Ben: You wanna apologize? Nope
Time to vote. Ashley gets one vote. Ben is off to the klan meeting.
Foa Foa
Jaison Kim
Mick Wendy
Russell H Donna
Marisa Ginnie
Elizabeth Leslie
Natalie Carolyn
Ashley Tess
Galu
Brett Pam
Dave Amy
Erik Terri
John Joanne
Kelly Kevin and Matt
Laura Kelly
Monica Stacey
Russell S Lori
Shamwow Jeff and Eileen
Yasmin Elayne
Gone:
Marisa Ginnie
Mike Karen and John
Betsy Becky and Mary
Ben Nancy D
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Survivor Samoa: Week Two
Ok, first off, this is soooo late because, when I heard about the tsunami that hit Samoa, while season 20 was being filmed, I immediately booked a flight and went in search of Jeff. Whew, were we glad to find each other again. I won't bore you with the details, but if you think make up sex is hot, you should try 'almost died in a tsunami sex'.
Soooooo, this week on Survivor starts with Evil (aka Russell) gloating about getting rid of Marisa. He and Betsy have a confrontation as well. So, you might as well get out the red marker and draw a target on her head. Jaison confronts Evil about his anger management problem. "Um, say old sausage chap, perchance do you thing you could just possible turn down the heat just a smidgeon at tribal council? Thanks sooo awfully much." Evil takes Jaison into his confidences about looking for an immunity idol. 2 seconds later, Evil pulls it out from up inside a tree, with everyone else standing around scratching their asses. He unfortunately shoves it down his gray dingy underwear. "Hey, anyone want to share this idol with me?" "Um, no, we're all good, thanks anyway."
Over on Ya Big Galoot, my girl Yasmin is singing the praises of camping. "The hood is not the wood", and I am afraid Yasmean is not gonna be the winner of Survivor Samoa.
On FF, Betsy and Mike help each other maneuver their walkers over to get the tree mail. Everyone else sits around gawking about how DAMN OLD those two are.
Challenge: Time to rumble. This appears to be something the Aztecs did to the death in Mexico, so I'm not really sure of the relevance of it is Samoa, but then again, I am geographically retarded. 3 people in the pit at a time, 3 on a platform. Ya get to kick the crap out of the other team, oh, and pass the balls to the people on the platforms so they can score baskets. It's really rough. Wanna know what you're playing for? Immunity, fishing gear and a "special surprise". oooh, lap dances!
First up, men in the pit. Shamwow shoots like a girl. Liz scores for FF
Second round, girl on girl action, which apparently a certain percentage of the population likes. Jeff: Watch the choking ladies. John scores for Galoot.
Jeff: "We're right on the line of it getting ugly. This is your only warning". Shit, as long as Jeff doesn't get hurt who cares!
Round 3: 2 men, 1 woman in the pit. It's ugly. Ben kicks Good Russell in the leg, gets ejected. Jeff: "Ben, what's it like being the biggest tool on Survivor History?" "Ima outlaw, baby" Mike gets hit really hard and just kinda wonders around stunned. Galoot wins immunity and reward.
The big twist is Good Russell gets to send one person back to the other tribe to "observe". He chooses Yasmean. Jeff wants medical to take a look at Mike. Not good, He has surprisingly low blood pressure and is out of the game. "Head back to camp cause you still need to send someone home" WTF?? I don't think they have ever done that before!
Galoot: Shamwow insists she is a champeeeen spear fisherman, and takes off with the new equipment. Ya know how this is going to end. She finds tons of fish, catches none, decides to take a bath and loses the mouthpiece of the fishing mask. Laura has the best line, "the good news is, there's fish in the ocean if you can believe that". Otherwise, Galoot isn't really on this episode.
Sooo, Yasmean calls everyone over and starts yapping her mouth off. She introduces herself as a professional hairdresser (like, as opposed to the rest of us who do it every morning as part of our routine??) and says she's there to "help them strategize" cause kicking their ass week after week is too boring. Ooooh, Evil is pissed, as is Jaison.
Yasmean takes on Ben next for the cheap shot at the challenge. "Why would a dude tackle me? That's disrespectful". On and on and on. Ben says she's "pretty close to being a hooker. Ghetto trash". Seriously, I think we have the beginnings of a little romance! Just sayin...
Yasmean gets the clue about an idol. Says it's in a tree. She basically ignores it.
Nightfall at FF, Ben is chopping wood and making noise and generally annoying everyone. Me? I'd tell him to knock it the hell off but they all put up with it until morning, and then start pissing about it. Betsy wants him to go. She convinces swiss cheese brained Ashley, who talks to Liz. Liz is all, "are you nuts? Betsy is ooooolllllllddddd, she's like 47". Bitch. I now hate Liz. Liz runs to Evil and tells him. He's now mad at Ashley.
Tribal Council: Jeff is in white. Mmmmmm.
Liz: one big happy family? Yes, Jeff. How was Yasmean's visit? Very nice Jeff, except for when she and Ben were comparing the size of their dicks.
Ben: Do tell! Well, Jeff, she is Ghetto trash with bad grammar. And, I just can't stand bad grammar.
Jaison: Jeff, we just need to keep a stiff upper lip and win some challenges my good man.
Betsy: Um, how come I'm the only one that brought a bag to tribal??
Ben: Any regrets about being a dick in the challenge? Well, Jeff, you never said we had to play by your sissy rules. OOOOOHHHHH, NO YOU DIDNT.
They vote. Betsy is gone. Not a good day for the elderly.
Foa Foa
Ben Nancy D
Jaison Kim
Mick Wendy
Russell H Donna
Marisa Ginnie
Elizabeth Leslie
Natalie Carolyn
Ashley Tess
Galu
Brett Pam
Dave Amy
Erik Terri
John Joanne
Kelly Kevin and Matt
Laura Kelly
Monica Stacey
Russell S Lori
Shamwow Jeff and Eileen
Yasmin Elayne
Gone:
Marisa Ginnie
Mike Karen and John
Betsy Becky and Mary
Soooooo, this week on Survivor starts with Evil (aka Russell) gloating about getting rid of Marisa. He and Betsy have a confrontation as well. So, you might as well get out the red marker and draw a target on her head. Jaison confronts Evil about his anger management problem. "Um, say old sausage chap, perchance do you thing you could just possible turn down the heat just a smidgeon at tribal council? Thanks sooo awfully much." Evil takes Jaison into his confidences about looking for an immunity idol. 2 seconds later, Evil pulls it out from up inside a tree, with everyone else standing around scratching their asses. He unfortunately shoves it down his gray dingy underwear. "Hey, anyone want to share this idol with me?" "Um, no, we're all good, thanks anyway."
Over on Ya Big Galoot, my girl Yasmin is singing the praises of camping. "The hood is not the wood", and I am afraid Yasmean is not gonna be the winner of Survivor Samoa.
On FF, Betsy and Mike help each other maneuver their walkers over to get the tree mail. Everyone else sits around gawking about how DAMN OLD those two are.
Challenge: Time to rumble. This appears to be something the Aztecs did to the death in Mexico, so I'm not really sure of the relevance of it is Samoa, but then again, I am geographically retarded. 3 people in the pit at a time, 3 on a platform. Ya get to kick the crap out of the other team, oh, and pass the balls to the people on the platforms so they can score baskets. It's really rough. Wanna know what you're playing for? Immunity, fishing gear and a "special surprise". oooh, lap dances!
First up, men in the pit. Shamwow shoots like a girl. Liz scores for FF
Second round, girl on girl action, which apparently a certain percentage of the population likes. Jeff: Watch the choking ladies. John scores for Galoot.
Jeff: "We're right on the line of it getting ugly. This is your only warning". Shit, as long as Jeff doesn't get hurt who cares!
Round 3: 2 men, 1 woman in the pit. It's ugly. Ben kicks Good Russell in the leg, gets ejected. Jeff: "Ben, what's it like being the biggest tool on Survivor History?" "Ima outlaw, baby" Mike gets hit really hard and just kinda wonders around stunned. Galoot wins immunity and reward.
The big twist is Good Russell gets to send one person back to the other tribe to "observe". He chooses Yasmean. Jeff wants medical to take a look at Mike. Not good, He has surprisingly low blood pressure and is out of the game. "Head back to camp cause you still need to send someone home" WTF?? I don't think they have ever done that before!
Galoot: Shamwow insists she is a champeeeen spear fisherman, and takes off with the new equipment. Ya know how this is going to end. She finds tons of fish, catches none, decides to take a bath and loses the mouthpiece of the fishing mask. Laura has the best line, "the good news is, there's fish in the ocean if you can believe that". Otherwise, Galoot isn't really on this episode.
Sooo, Yasmean calls everyone over and starts yapping her mouth off. She introduces herself as a professional hairdresser (like, as opposed to the rest of us who do it every morning as part of our routine??) and says she's there to "help them strategize" cause kicking their ass week after week is too boring. Ooooh, Evil is pissed, as is Jaison.
Yasmean takes on Ben next for the cheap shot at the challenge. "Why would a dude tackle me? That's disrespectful". On and on and on. Ben says she's "pretty close to being a hooker. Ghetto trash". Seriously, I think we have the beginnings of a little romance! Just sayin...
Yasmean gets the clue about an idol. Says it's in a tree. She basically ignores it.
Nightfall at FF, Ben is chopping wood and making noise and generally annoying everyone. Me? I'd tell him to knock it the hell off but they all put up with it until morning, and then start pissing about it. Betsy wants him to go. She convinces swiss cheese brained Ashley, who talks to Liz. Liz is all, "are you nuts? Betsy is ooooolllllllddddd, she's like 47". Bitch. I now hate Liz. Liz runs to Evil and tells him. He's now mad at Ashley.
Tribal Council: Jeff is in white. Mmmmmm.
Liz: one big happy family? Yes, Jeff. How was Yasmean's visit? Very nice Jeff, except for when she and Ben were comparing the size of their dicks.
Ben: Do tell! Well, Jeff, she is Ghetto trash with bad grammar. And, I just can't stand bad grammar.
Jaison: Jeff, we just need to keep a stiff upper lip and win some challenges my good man.
Betsy: Um, how come I'm the only one that brought a bag to tribal??
Ben: Any regrets about being a dick in the challenge? Well, Jeff, you never said we had to play by your sissy rules. OOOOOHHHHH, NO YOU DIDNT.
They vote. Betsy is gone. Not a good day for the elderly.
Foa Foa
Ben Nancy D
Jaison Kim
Mick Wendy
Russell H Donna
Marisa Ginnie
Elizabeth Leslie
Natalie Carolyn
Ashley Tess
Galu
Brett Pam
Dave Amy
Erik Terri
John Joanne
Kelly Kevin and Matt
Laura Kelly
Monica Stacey
Russell S Lori
Shamwow Jeff and Eileen
Yasmin Elayne
Gone:
Marisa Ginnie
Mike Karen and John
Betsy Becky and Mary
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Survivor Samoa Week One
Ok, first off, I have to say that I am already disappointed in this season. Seriously, I was all hepped up expecting Survivor SOMALIA, and the excellent opportunities for the teams to camp in bombed out buildings, dodge bullets, win flak jackets in the reward challenges and, generally, ACTUALLY HAVE TO SURVIVE SOMETHING. But, alas, it's just another season of pretending they are all miserable to be on a gorgeous tropical island. YAWN.
Now, onto the good stuff. Holy crap, was it me or was that the most sexually explicit opening in Survivor history?? Seriously, Jeff standing in his eye-matching-baby blue shirt, as the waves POUNDED in the surf, and spewed huge quantities of water into the air with the sheer forcefulness of the rocking waves. MAN O'FRICKEN MAN. Seriously, I have watched that portion like, 5 times already. Man, gimme more of that Probst Porn every week.
So, the tribes are already divided and, apparently some had advanced notice cause the purple tribe had on purple and the yellow tribe had on yellow. Hmmmmm.
The 2 tribes have to chose leaders without knowing anything about each other. Foa Foa chooses Mick as their leader. Galu chooses the Good Russell. We also learn that the mullet chick likes to be called Shambo. Cause, she's as friggin fat as shamu but can kick you in the balls like Rambo. Screw that, I'm gonna call her Shamwow.
Challenge: The 2 team leaders have to make some choices. They each need to pick the best swimmer, the strongest, the most agile and the smartest.
Mick chooses Jaison as his best swimmer, followed by this long boring discussion of whether or not black dudes can swim. WTF? Cause, what, they are all from the inner city and have only swum in uncapped fire hydrants? He chooses Evil Russell as the strongest.
Ok. I gotta start this thing. Evil Russell is quite possibly my favorite person on this season. Seriously, he looks like a little fat sausage man, and is just plain evil. In his first "cameo", he discusses his plan to "make things as miserable as possible for people". Clearly that includes wearing the most disgusting pair of revealing gray underpants for most of the episode. But, more on that later...
For the most Agile, Mick chooses Marissa, who is quite attractive even if she did chose to wear a headband from her my little pony collection. For the smartest....damn, who would guess he'd go with the Asian in the white lawyer suit.
Good Russell chooses John as his swimmer, Erik as his brawns, Yasmin as most agile (cause you know thin black women are cat-like), and for smartest he goes for the obvious choice to go up against an Asian.....Mullet-wearing Shamwow. Um. Yea. She has to tell us right off the bat that she ain't got no book smarts. Or, apparently, cosmetic smarts.
Wanna know what you're playing for? I dunno, Jeff, is it gonna be maybe, FIRE??? And, is it gonna be in the form of FLINT??
So, we find out the skinny black dude is actually a WATER POLO PLAYER, at an obviously ivy league school, which cracks me up. He kicks some serious water ass. John, his co-swimmer gets his ass kicked and then has to lay on the mat and recover. Sausage man kicks his task of carrying a bunch of logs. Marissa takes off the pony headband and takes on the balance beam, until the cat-like Yasmin gets it done. It all comes down to the Asian and the Mullet who have to.....wait for it..... PUT A FRIGGIN PUZZLE TOGETHER. Argh. So, Shamwow is working it but the Asian (Liz) just looks at it and the pieces fall together. F2 wins fire.
Now onto camp. Over on F2, Ben announces he's the hillbilly and knows all about how to set up a camp. He knows where to build the latrine, so he gets everybody going to work. Which leaves sausage man to form his Dumb-Ass Alliance. According to him, he recruits the the dumb short haired blonde (Ashley) , the dumb long haired blonde (Kelly) and the dumb dark haired chick (Marissa). He also adds in the "old lady", Betsy. She's obviously too smart for him cause she doesn't trust him.
Over on Galu, Good Russell takes charge and gets things going. John, the rocket scientist, shows that he is one of the most annoying overthinkers on the history of the show. "We need to also consider the wind direction, and the rain, and inventory our actions". ahahahhahahah. And, now we know why NASA wastes so much friggin money each year. So, a little bit of camp gets built, Shamwow starts showing her "I'm military, I can't stand these kids" attitude, and everyone goes for a swim BUT Shamwow. Yea, cause, see, making yourself seem 1) mean and nasty, 2) not a part of the group, and 3) basically an outsider on day one is always a good thing. I mean, c'mom, everyone who watched Survivor knows that the big decisions are always make in waste deep water, while people are taking a whiz and rinsing the shit out of their butt cracks.
Nighttime over on F2. Time for a bedtime story, so sausage man tells his harem about being a fireman in New Orleans and surviving hurricane Katrina by sitting on his roof while his beloved dog dies. All lies. Johnny Fairplay strategy is in full motion. My Little Pony girl starts to wonder about him.
Evil Russell gets up in the middle of the night and dumps out all the canteens, burns Jaison's socks and basically sabotages his own tribe to get them at each other's throats. Oh, did I mention he is in reality an Oil Company Executive? Drill baby drill.
Immunity Challenge: 6 of each team have to run over a series of A-frames carrying rope. Once they make it to a platform, they have to use the rope to drag a crate up onto the platform, open the crate to reveal.....PUZZLE PIECES. This was pretty boring, so let me just skip to the end where Shamwow leads her team to puzzle victory over the team led by the Asian. Woohoo. Galu wins immunity, and has to start chanting "Galu is in the house" which is just so damn annoying.
F2 has to eliminate someone. "The weakest should go". It's pretty much Ashley, the dumb short haired blonde who is a spa salesperson. Sausage man is running around taking to everyone, and Marissa calls him on it. Tells him she's 'worried about him". He throws a hissy fit, revealing to me at least that he isn't long for this game, and he goes around telling everyone My Little Pony THREATENED him.
Tribal council is just....really boring. Ashley is an idiot, tells everyone she 'works out tons at home" LOL. Marissa and sausage get into it. End of the day, My Little Pony is voted off, which makes me quite sad cause I was getting into the nickname. ah well.
Foa Foa
Ben Nancy D
Jaison Kim
Mick Wendy
Russell H Donna
Mike Karen and John
Marisa Ginnie
Elizabeth Leslie
Betsy Becky and Mary
Natalie Carolyn
Ashley Tess
Galu
Brett Pam
Dave Amy
Erik Terri
John Joanne
Kelly Kevin and Matt
Laura Kelly
Monica Stacey
Russell S Lori
Shamwow Jeff and Eileen
Yasmin Elayne
Now, onto the good stuff. Holy crap, was it me or was that the most sexually explicit opening in Survivor history?? Seriously, Jeff standing in his eye-matching-baby blue shirt, as the waves POUNDED in the surf, and spewed huge quantities of water into the air with the sheer forcefulness of the rocking waves. MAN O'FRICKEN MAN. Seriously, I have watched that portion like, 5 times already. Man, gimme more of that Probst Porn every week.
So, the tribes are already divided and, apparently some had advanced notice cause the purple tribe had on purple and the yellow tribe had on yellow. Hmmmmm.
The 2 tribes have to chose leaders without knowing anything about each other. Foa Foa chooses Mick as their leader. Galu chooses the Good Russell. We also learn that the mullet chick likes to be called Shambo. Cause, she's as friggin fat as shamu but can kick you in the balls like Rambo. Screw that, I'm gonna call her Shamwow.
Challenge: The 2 team leaders have to make some choices. They each need to pick the best swimmer, the strongest, the most agile and the smartest.
Mick chooses Jaison as his best swimmer, followed by this long boring discussion of whether or not black dudes can swim. WTF? Cause, what, they are all from the inner city and have only swum in uncapped fire hydrants? He chooses Evil Russell as the strongest.
Ok. I gotta start this thing. Evil Russell is quite possibly my favorite person on this season. Seriously, he looks like a little fat sausage man, and is just plain evil. In his first "cameo", he discusses his plan to "make things as miserable as possible for people". Clearly that includes wearing the most disgusting pair of revealing gray underpants for most of the episode. But, more on that later...
For the most Agile, Mick chooses Marissa, who is quite attractive even if she did chose to wear a headband from her my little pony collection. For the smartest....damn, who would guess he'd go with the Asian in the white lawyer suit.
Good Russell chooses John as his swimmer, Erik as his brawns, Yasmin as most agile (cause you know thin black women are cat-like), and for smartest he goes for the obvious choice to go up against an Asian.....Mullet-wearing Shamwow. Um. Yea. She has to tell us right off the bat that she ain't got no book smarts. Or, apparently, cosmetic smarts.
Wanna know what you're playing for? I dunno, Jeff, is it gonna be maybe, FIRE??? And, is it gonna be in the form of FLINT??
So, we find out the skinny black dude is actually a WATER POLO PLAYER, at an obviously ivy league school, which cracks me up. He kicks some serious water ass. John, his co-swimmer gets his ass kicked and then has to lay on the mat and recover. Sausage man kicks his task of carrying a bunch of logs. Marissa takes off the pony headband and takes on the balance beam, until the cat-like Yasmin gets it done. It all comes down to the Asian and the Mullet who have to.....wait for it..... PUT A FRIGGIN PUZZLE TOGETHER. Argh. So, Shamwow is working it but the Asian (Liz) just looks at it and the pieces fall together. F2 wins fire.
Now onto camp. Over on F2, Ben announces he's the hillbilly and knows all about how to set up a camp. He knows where to build the latrine, so he gets everybody going to work. Which leaves sausage man to form his Dumb-Ass Alliance. According to him, he recruits the the dumb short haired blonde (Ashley) , the dumb long haired blonde (Kelly) and the dumb dark haired chick (Marissa). He also adds in the "old lady", Betsy. She's obviously too smart for him cause she doesn't trust him.
Over on Galu, Good Russell takes charge and gets things going. John, the rocket scientist, shows that he is one of the most annoying overthinkers on the history of the show. "We need to also consider the wind direction, and the rain, and inventory our actions". ahahahhahahah. And, now we know why NASA wastes so much friggin money each year. So, a little bit of camp gets built, Shamwow starts showing her "I'm military, I can't stand these kids" attitude, and everyone goes for a swim BUT Shamwow. Yea, cause, see, making yourself seem 1) mean and nasty, 2) not a part of the group, and 3) basically an outsider on day one is always a good thing. I mean, c'mom, everyone who watched Survivor knows that the big decisions are always make in waste deep water, while people are taking a whiz and rinsing the shit out of their butt cracks.
Nighttime over on F2. Time for a bedtime story, so sausage man tells his harem about being a fireman in New Orleans and surviving hurricane Katrina by sitting on his roof while his beloved dog dies. All lies. Johnny Fairplay strategy is in full motion. My Little Pony girl starts to wonder about him.
Evil Russell gets up in the middle of the night and dumps out all the canteens, burns Jaison's socks and basically sabotages his own tribe to get them at each other's throats. Oh, did I mention he is in reality an Oil Company Executive? Drill baby drill.
Immunity Challenge: 6 of each team have to run over a series of A-frames carrying rope. Once they make it to a platform, they have to use the rope to drag a crate up onto the platform, open the crate to reveal.....PUZZLE PIECES. This was pretty boring, so let me just skip to the end where Shamwow leads her team to puzzle victory over the team led by the Asian. Woohoo. Galu wins immunity, and has to start chanting "Galu is in the house" which is just so damn annoying.
F2 has to eliminate someone. "The weakest should go". It's pretty much Ashley, the dumb short haired blonde who is a spa salesperson. Sausage man is running around taking to everyone, and Marissa calls him on it. Tells him she's 'worried about him". He throws a hissy fit, revealing to me at least that he isn't long for this game, and he goes around telling everyone My Little Pony THREATENED him.
Tribal council is just....really boring. Ashley is an idiot, tells everyone she 'works out tons at home" LOL. Marissa and sausage get into it. End of the day, My Little Pony is voted off, which makes me quite sad cause I was getting into the nickname. ah well.
Foa Foa
Ben Nancy D
Jaison Kim
Mick Wendy
Russell H Donna
Mike Karen and John
Marisa Ginnie
Elizabeth Leslie
Betsy Becky and Mary
Natalie Carolyn
Ashley Tess
Galu
Brett Pam
Dave Amy
Erik Terri
John Joanne
Kelly Kevin and Matt
Laura Kelly
Monica Stacey
Russell S Lori
Shamwow Jeff and Eileen
Yasmin Elayne
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Survivor Brazil Week 9
Yo, welcome to another edition of Coach: Cock of the Walk. But, before I delve into another episode of fun, intrigue and friggin puzzles, did everyone see the report that Coach has been relieved of him coaching job because he lied about going on Survivor? Told the team he had to go into the hospital for 2 MONTHS for cancer testing. LOL. Guess he already knew there was no chance in HELL anyone on the team would want to visit or send flowers.
OK, so when we left Brandon was voted off cause the jalapeno alliance decided to go along with Coach. Sierra is now alone without her 2 person alliance, and without the immunity idol. Hmmm, didn't she have an alliance with Stephen and Taj as well? Guess not.
Sierra talks to Coach, as one does when in the presence of greatness. "Sierra, you make bad decisions in life. You pitted yourself against me. You deserve to go home." Wow. Let's judge her whole life based upon an alliance on a game show!
Coach is doing the dragon slayer bullshit. "I got rid of the stronger, younger and, let's face it WAY better looking competitor. Although, not sure about strongest cause, we were talking last week? About, like, being strong and stuff? It was right after we whipped out our peckers and measured them-you'll notice I didn't call myself better endowed-anyway, I said I could bench press 300 lbs and Brandon was all, WOW, I can't. Anyway, YYYYYEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Oh, that was an Amazonian primal yell that means, I am the dragon slayer, and victory is already mine".
Sierra continues the pity tour. Talks to Tyson. Ok, he's an ugly ass psychopath. He thinks it's funny. "She's of no worth. I guess her parents love her but her boyfriend must be a loser".
Reward Challenge: 2 teams, have to run out into the jungle, and CRAPPPPPPPPPPPP, untie 4 big swiss cheese puzzle pieces,carry them back and each one in the right puzzle stand. Then, you have to line up the swiss cheese holes so you can read a bunch of vowels that you use with letters to solve the daily word power. C'mon, this is the best we can do?????????????????? Wanna know what you are playing for? Food and some strange ass martial arts-ballet thing that Coach pretends he's all familiar with.
Red team is Tyson, Erinn, JT and Debbie. Black is Coach, Sierra, Stephen and Taj. I'll skip the boredom. The red team obliterates the black team. It's not even close.
Jeff: "Coach, you continue to lose out on these reward challenges, which is surprising with all of your life experiences".
Coach "Well, Jeff, I didn't have to move puzzle boards in the Amazon". Oh, SNAP.
Stephen is sent back to exile in case there is a re-hidden idol.
Reward: Food and local dancing. Apparently the natives speak English. They eat like pigs. I saw corn, what looked like quesadillas, corn bread and WTF?? Brownies? Isn't this the second week of Duncan Hines? (Well, Duncan Hiney's if you include the Charmin challenge). Debbie is all into the kids cause she's a principle in case you missed that. After gorging themselves, Survivors are brought up to "dance" with the "natives" which includes Debbie doing a couple back flips, Tyson doing a cartwheel and Erinn kicking real high. This makes Erinn barf in the woods.
Exile: No new idol.
Back at camp, Sierra tries to talk to Debbie in front of Erinn and Coach. They treat her like a puppy that shit on the rug. Debbie is all, "you made your bed, we all have to live with the choices we make in life". Why do I think these platitudes are going to come back and bite Debbie and Coach in the ass? Erinn gets a few jabs in as well. But, in her one on one camera time, she admits that Sierra is right but Erinn wants Sierra out so she can "turn the game on it's head". LOL. As if.
Sierra works on Coach again. He acts like, poor little thing, I'd like to give you a second chance. It's kind of boring.
Immunity Challenge: It's cold and rainy. Everyone is in bathing suits shivering. Except Jeff. He is in a lovely periwinkle blue safari shirt, and he has the HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT wet shower hair. Uhuh. And, OMG, he has a little tuft of wet hair sticking just slightly peeking out of her shirt.
Ok, I'm not even sure I can type this part. I really really don't want to. Wait, let me slam back a shot of whisky...................................................... Ok. Today's Immunity challenge is.......Shuffleboard. I kid you not. A new LOW in Survivor history. Oh, but there's a catch. If you want to sit it out, you can do that and eat pizza instead. Stephen, JT and Coach sit out and eat pizza. Tyson is not happy with Coach for taking the easy way out.
Shuffleboard. It's boring. It's not even real shuffleboard. It's like the kind you find in a cocktail lounge in Florida. The kind of place old retired people in hats, Hawaiian shirts and black socks with sandals hang out. Also, the little mini board is full of water. Anyway. It's just a bad holiday nightmare. Tyson manages to get 2 chips near the star, and Sierra knocks them both out putting herself in play. She does a little dance which pisses Coach and Tyson off. Debbie is the only one left with a shot. She knocks Sierra off and wins immunity.
Jeff puts the necklace on her and then, BASTARD, keeps his arm around her shoulder for too long, in my opinion. TRAMP.
Back at camp, Tyson, Debbie and Coach huddle around the fire and complain about Sierra. In the tent, Stephen, Erinn and Taj hatch a plot to get rid of Tyson while he doesn't have immunity. Stephen talks to JT about it. JT isn't sure he wants to show his hand this early. Coach talks to JT: "I want to to into the finals with the 5 warrior alliance"JT:" You can trust me"
Tribal Council: Time for Probsting
Oh, in case I forget, Coach turns up at tribal with a feather in his hear and another in his little pony tail.
Tyson: " I'm totally comfortable tonight Jeff"
Jeff: "Sierra, do you think people are being nice to you and telling you it's your time so you'll be nice to them on the jury?"
Sierra: "Well, Jeff, blahblahblah"
Tyson: "Nobody knows what you are talking about you idiot" "I never felt a bond with her" "I gave her 5 minutes and now I'm done with her"
Sierra:" frankly, I'd vote for Tyson cause he's the strong one and will probably win all of the challenges"Jeff: "Coach: I Tyson a threat?"
Coach: "Well, Jeff, I want to walk the path of a noble warrior and go into the final battle with only the strongest. I want to win an honorable battle "
Jeff: "Hmmmm, so, is that why you got rid of Brandon, the strongest player last week??"
Coach:"Um, haha, um, I'm a ravenous wolf"
Me: "What the fuck are you talking about you crazy ass loon with feathers in your pony tail???"
Time to vote and count the votes:
Sierra gets 3 votes, Tyson gets 4. WTF????????????????????? Hey, what's that smell? That's the smell of the Smug-Birdman-Dragon-Slayer crapping himself.
Forza
Coach: Leslie
Debbie: Elayne
Sierra: Donna
Errin.Carolyn
JT: Stacey
Taj: Kelly
Stephen: Mary and Becky
Off to Carnival
Carolina: Terri
Candace: Matt and Kevin
Jerry: Karen and John
Sandy: Jeff and Eileen
Spencer: Joanne
Sydney: Ginnie
Joe: Kim
Brendan: Amy and Maureen
Tyson: Tess and Susan
OK, so when we left Brandon was voted off cause the jalapeno alliance decided to go along with Coach. Sierra is now alone without her 2 person alliance, and without the immunity idol. Hmmm, didn't she have an alliance with Stephen and Taj as well? Guess not.
Sierra talks to Coach, as one does when in the presence of greatness. "Sierra, you make bad decisions in life. You pitted yourself against me. You deserve to go home." Wow. Let's judge her whole life based upon an alliance on a game show!
Coach is doing the dragon slayer bullshit. "I got rid of the stronger, younger and, let's face it WAY better looking competitor. Although, not sure about strongest cause, we were talking last week? About, like, being strong and stuff? It was right after we whipped out our peckers and measured them-you'll notice I didn't call myself better endowed-anyway, I said I could bench press 300 lbs and Brandon was all, WOW, I can't. Anyway, YYYYYEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Oh, that was an Amazonian primal yell that means, I am the dragon slayer, and victory is already mine".
Sierra continues the pity tour. Talks to Tyson. Ok, he's an ugly ass psychopath. He thinks it's funny. "She's of no worth. I guess her parents love her but her boyfriend must be a loser".
Reward Challenge: 2 teams, have to run out into the jungle, and CRAPPPPPPPPPPPP, untie 4 big swiss cheese puzzle pieces,carry them back and each one in the right puzzle stand. Then, you have to line up the swiss cheese holes so you can read a bunch of vowels that you use with letters to solve the daily word power. C'mon, this is the best we can do?????????????????? Wanna know what you are playing for? Food and some strange ass martial arts-ballet thing that Coach pretends he's all familiar with.
Red team is Tyson, Erinn, JT and Debbie. Black is Coach, Sierra, Stephen and Taj. I'll skip the boredom. The red team obliterates the black team. It's not even close.
Jeff: "Coach, you continue to lose out on these reward challenges, which is surprising with all of your life experiences".
Coach "Well, Jeff, I didn't have to move puzzle boards in the Amazon". Oh, SNAP.
Stephen is sent back to exile in case there is a re-hidden idol.
Reward: Food and local dancing. Apparently the natives speak English. They eat like pigs. I saw corn, what looked like quesadillas, corn bread and WTF?? Brownies? Isn't this the second week of Duncan Hines? (Well, Duncan Hiney's if you include the Charmin challenge). Debbie is all into the kids cause she's a principle in case you missed that. After gorging themselves, Survivors are brought up to "dance" with the "natives" which includes Debbie doing a couple back flips, Tyson doing a cartwheel and Erinn kicking real high. This makes Erinn barf in the woods.
Exile: No new idol.
Back at camp, Sierra tries to talk to Debbie in front of Erinn and Coach. They treat her like a puppy that shit on the rug. Debbie is all, "you made your bed, we all have to live with the choices we make in life". Why do I think these platitudes are going to come back and bite Debbie and Coach in the ass? Erinn gets a few jabs in as well. But, in her one on one camera time, she admits that Sierra is right but Erinn wants Sierra out so she can "turn the game on it's head". LOL. As if.
Sierra works on Coach again. He acts like, poor little thing, I'd like to give you a second chance. It's kind of boring.
Immunity Challenge: It's cold and rainy. Everyone is in bathing suits shivering. Except Jeff. He is in a lovely periwinkle blue safari shirt, and he has the HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT wet shower hair. Uhuh. And, OMG, he has a little tuft of wet hair sticking just slightly peeking out of her shirt.
Ok, I'm not even sure I can type this part. I really really don't want to. Wait, let me slam back a shot of whisky...................................................... Ok. Today's Immunity challenge is.......Shuffleboard. I kid you not. A new LOW in Survivor history. Oh, but there's a catch. If you want to sit it out, you can do that and eat pizza instead. Stephen, JT and Coach sit out and eat pizza. Tyson is not happy with Coach for taking the easy way out.
Shuffleboard. It's boring. It's not even real shuffleboard. It's like the kind you find in a cocktail lounge in Florida. The kind of place old retired people in hats, Hawaiian shirts and black socks with sandals hang out. Also, the little mini board is full of water. Anyway. It's just a bad holiday nightmare. Tyson manages to get 2 chips near the star, and Sierra knocks them both out putting herself in play. She does a little dance which pisses Coach and Tyson off. Debbie is the only one left with a shot. She knocks Sierra off and wins immunity.
Jeff puts the necklace on her and then, BASTARD, keeps his arm around her shoulder for too long, in my opinion. TRAMP.
Back at camp, Tyson, Debbie and Coach huddle around the fire and complain about Sierra. In the tent, Stephen, Erinn and Taj hatch a plot to get rid of Tyson while he doesn't have immunity. Stephen talks to JT about it. JT isn't sure he wants to show his hand this early. Coach talks to JT: "I want to to into the finals with the 5 warrior alliance"JT:" You can trust me"
Tribal Council: Time for Probsting
Oh, in case I forget, Coach turns up at tribal with a feather in his hear and another in his little pony tail.
Tyson: " I'm totally comfortable tonight Jeff"
Jeff: "Sierra, do you think people are being nice to you and telling you it's your time so you'll be nice to them on the jury?"
Sierra: "Well, Jeff, blahblahblah"
Tyson: "Nobody knows what you are talking about you idiot" "I never felt a bond with her" "I gave her 5 minutes and now I'm done with her"
Sierra:" frankly, I'd vote for Tyson cause he's the strong one and will probably win all of the challenges"Jeff: "Coach: I Tyson a threat?"
Coach: "Well, Jeff, I want to walk the path of a noble warrior and go into the final battle with only the strongest. I want to win an honorable battle "
Jeff: "Hmmmm, so, is that why you got rid of Brandon, the strongest player last week??"
Coach:"Um, haha, um, I'm a ravenous wolf"
Me: "What the fuck are you talking about you crazy ass loon with feathers in your pony tail???"
Time to vote and count the votes:
Sierra gets 3 votes, Tyson gets 4. WTF????????????????????? Hey, what's that smell? That's the smell of the Smug-Birdman-Dragon-Slayer crapping himself.
Forza
Coach: Leslie
Debbie: Elayne
Sierra: Donna
Errin.Carolyn
JT: Stacey
Taj: Kelly
Stephen: Mary and Becky
Off to Carnival
Carolina: Terri
Candace: Matt and Kevin
Jerry: Karen and John
Sandy: Jeff and Eileen
Spencer: Joanne
Sydney: Ginnie
Joe: Kim
Brendan: Amy and Maureen
Tyson: Tess and Susan
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Spring 09 Amazing Race: Week 9
Whoa, tempers are flaring this week, which I like to call The Bitch Slap Episode.
Teams are in Bangkok, and the Mini Men face a 4 hour delay due to un sportsmanlike conduct and a speedbump. God I hope this isn't another lame ass speedbump.
Deafmom leave at 9:36 am and have to fly to Guilin, China via Xiandnfkdhigh, or something like that. Once in China they have to take a taxi to a hair salon. LOL how friggin funny would it be if the salon had rows of American girls doing nails?
Deafmom get the first flight at 11:20 am, but their connecting flight isn't until 8:30 pm. The Wicked Smart Asians, and, for this episode I am going to call them the Wickedly Annoying Asians, read that they are going to China and immediately refuse to speak any English. They're all yingyangchingchanging it all over the place. Seriously, They were translating what they were saying, but I doubt it was really "oh, my, how nice we are going to China". Methinks it was more like "ha, now we have those round eyes where we want them."
The Wickedly Annoying Asians and the NFLs are on the second flight to Xknfdnfandklnfl, with the same 8:30 connection. Hey, am I just noticing that the NFLs have the same BAAAD haircolor?? Like, WTF? Did they get a case of it cheap or something?
The Sistas have a 9:10 pm connection to Guilin. Mini men are just leaving at 4pm due to their delay. The first connection is delayed, so the Sistas actually get to China first. The Asians are all cocky about speaking Chinese. Seriously, I was getting a friggin headache from it. Yingyangchingchang, dongwongyinggang.
NFLs get to the hair salon first, but unfortunately don't take the time for a little color therapy. "Go to the #24 Bridge for you next clue". On the wall is also the speedbump sign.
The Asians get the clue and are off yammering away. About now the Mini men arrive in China.
And, now, the drama goes off the charts... The Sistas and Deafmom arrive at the Salon at the same time, and both stand like, right in front of the clue box saying, "where is that damn clue box". Although the Deaf kid just moans this. Both the deaf kid and one of the Sistas (I think the mean one Kisha) spot it and dive for it. Deaf shoves her out of the way and she calls him a bitch. LOL, he's lucky he didn't get cut.
In the cabs, both teams are bitching about it. Mom signs "bitch" and it's ON. OK, time for a little bashing. I'm sure it's frustrating being deaf but this kid is getting on my damn nerves. Look, you can't talk so just stop trying and sign. He is like a bomb of anger waiting to go off.
At the #24 bridge it's a Roadblock. One member has to go out in a little boat and train a Cormorant to catch 10 fish. The Asians think they have this in the bag cause she can talk to the teacher in Chinese and SHE CAN ALSO TALK TO THE BIRDS. Yeeeeaaaa. Good luck with that.
Back to the Bitches, again both the Sistas and Deafmom arrive at the bridge clue box at the same time. Deaf is soooo mad his fingers are flying off. Kisha gets to the box first and he rams her from behind, knocking her into the clue box. Mommy arrives and starts yelling at Kisha for pushing him. It's just ugly.
Jamie, Jenn, Girl-Asian and Deaf are all doing the Roadblock. Girl-Asian is yammering away in Chinese. Seriously, how those Chinese people don't go friggin INSANE listening to each other I have no idea.
The Mini's finally get to the Salon. Ooooh, Speedbump!! Wait, what?? WTF?? All they have to do is wash 2 old ladies hair? LAME. Seriously. I am steamed. They do the speedbump in like, 2 minutes, one of them telling the lady he is going to give her a 'MASSAG-EEE". Yea, that's really funny.
Jamie and Jenn finish the fish roadblock. Deaf is flailing around making noises and scaring the fish. This dude needs to chill and enjoy life a little. He gets bit on the hand by a bird, who probably didn't like what he was saying to it. In case you missed the bite, Deaf reenacts it like, 15 times over and friggin over again. Mommy translates each time. Jesus. I think next week I am watching this show with the volume down.
After the Roadblock teams have to go to the Ancient South Gate. The Girl Asian is still talking Chinese smack to the bird and it flies off. It finally comes back and she finishes.
Detour: Dancing or Calligraphy. Teams either have to learn to do Chinese Ballroom Dancing or copy Calligraphy from 4 different people and read Chinese to find the next Calligrapher. Yingyangdongwang-"haha, we didn't pay attention in Chinese school!" Uhuh.
The NFLs decide to do the dancing, They have to learn a dance routine. Their teacher is another couple and, man, are they rough manhandlers. The NFL's keep doing the dance and getting a "no" from the judge, and with a laugh. One of them gets really steamed and starts yelling. They decide to quit. While they are walking away, they wonder if they were supposed to keep doing the dance the whole time the music played. Decide to go back and give it another try and they get it right.
Everyone else does the Calligraphy. They basically follow the Wickedly Annoying Asians around doing what they do. The Asians won't shut the frig up. Telling one of the calligraphers "our parents will cry if we don't win". Jeez. By this point my head is throbbing. ChowchungHuangHong, wingwangdingdong.
Teams now need to travel to the Banyan Lake Pit stop. The Asians, Sistas and Deafmom all arrive at the same time. It's a foot race. Phil is standing there with a couple EATING CHINESE FOOD. They mumble "welcome to china" through their Kung Po chicken. The Asians say, "yingyang, what he say??"
Sistas are first-they win a trip to Barbados. Asians are second and Deafmom is third. And, just like that the fight begins again. Phil says, "seems like the competition is getting tough". Mommy tells Phil her distorted story about her poor deaf son getting roughed up by these big scary black women. The Sistas smile/laugh. Mommy goes all crazy on them, yelling and shrieking how unfair it is for them to laugh at a deaf person, especially cause they are black. What that has to do with anything, I have no idea! "You're black, you should know better".
To his credit Phil tries to talk her down off the ledge but Deaf goes all hand waving nuts. Seriously it's a total Deaf rant. The Wickedly Annoying Asians are just standing there going, "how the f&*k did we end up second??"
NFL's arrive as team #4.
The Mini's do the dancing detour. All romantic music and slow motion footage. Yep, bye bye you rule breakers. The are eliiiiiminated.
1. Kisha & Jen: Matt and Kevin
2. Tammy & Victor : John
3. Margie & Luke: Maureen and Amy
4. Jaime & Cara: Terri
Off
11. Preston & Jennifer: Becky and Mary
10. Steve & Linda: Jeff and Eileen
9. Brad & Victoria: Donna
8. Amanda & Kris: Elayne
7. Christie & Jodi: Ginnie
6. Mel & Mike: Joanne
5. Mark & Michael: Karen
Teams are in Bangkok, and the Mini Men face a 4 hour delay due to un sportsmanlike conduct and a speedbump. God I hope this isn't another lame ass speedbump.
Deafmom leave at 9:36 am and have to fly to Guilin, China via Xiandnfkdhigh, or something like that. Once in China they have to take a taxi to a hair salon. LOL how friggin funny would it be if the salon had rows of American girls doing nails?
Deafmom get the first flight at 11:20 am, but their connecting flight isn't until 8:30 pm. The Wicked Smart Asians, and, for this episode I am going to call them the Wickedly Annoying Asians, read that they are going to China and immediately refuse to speak any English. They're all yingyangchingchanging it all over the place. Seriously, They were translating what they were saying, but I doubt it was really "oh, my, how nice we are going to China". Methinks it was more like "ha, now we have those round eyes where we want them."
The Wickedly Annoying Asians and the NFLs are on the second flight to Xknfdnfandklnfl, with the same 8:30 connection. Hey, am I just noticing that the NFLs have the same BAAAD haircolor?? Like, WTF? Did they get a case of it cheap or something?
The Sistas have a 9:10 pm connection to Guilin. Mini men are just leaving at 4pm due to their delay. The first connection is delayed, so the Sistas actually get to China first. The Asians are all cocky about speaking Chinese. Seriously, I was getting a friggin headache from it. Yingyangchingchang, dongwongyinggang.
NFLs get to the hair salon first, but unfortunately don't take the time for a little color therapy. "Go to the #24 Bridge for you next clue". On the wall is also the speedbump sign.
The Asians get the clue and are off yammering away. About now the Mini men arrive in China.
And, now, the drama goes off the charts... The Sistas and Deafmom arrive at the Salon at the same time, and both stand like, right in front of the clue box saying, "where is that damn clue box". Although the Deaf kid just moans this. Both the deaf kid and one of the Sistas (I think the mean one Kisha) spot it and dive for it. Deaf shoves her out of the way and she calls him a bitch. LOL, he's lucky he didn't get cut.
In the cabs, both teams are bitching about it. Mom signs "bitch" and it's ON. OK, time for a little bashing. I'm sure it's frustrating being deaf but this kid is getting on my damn nerves. Look, you can't talk so just stop trying and sign. He is like a bomb of anger waiting to go off.
At the #24 bridge it's a Roadblock. One member has to go out in a little boat and train a Cormorant to catch 10 fish. The Asians think they have this in the bag cause she can talk to the teacher in Chinese and SHE CAN ALSO TALK TO THE BIRDS. Yeeeeaaaa. Good luck with that.
Back to the Bitches, again both the Sistas and Deafmom arrive at the bridge clue box at the same time. Deaf is soooo mad his fingers are flying off. Kisha gets to the box first and he rams her from behind, knocking her into the clue box. Mommy arrives and starts yelling at Kisha for pushing him. It's just ugly.
Jamie, Jenn, Girl-Asian and Deaf are all doing the Roadblock. Girl-Asian is yammering away in Chinese. Seriously, how those Chinese people don't go friggin INSANE listening to each other I have no idea.
The Mini's finally get to the Salon. Ooooh, Speedbump!! Wait, what?? WTF?? All they have to do is wash 2 old ladies hair? LAME. Seriously. I am steamed. They do the speedbump in like, 2 minutes, one of them telling the lady he is going to give her a 'MASSAG-EEE". Yea, that's really funny.
Jamie and Jenn finish the fish roadblock. Deaf is flailing around making noises and scaring the fish. This dude needs to chill and enjoy life a little. He gets bit on the hand by a bird, who probably didn't like what he was saying to it. In case you missed the bite, Deaf reenacts it like, 15 times over and friggin over again. Mommy translates each time. Jesus. I think next week I am watching this show with the volume down.
After the Roadblock teams have to go to the Ancient South Gate. The Girl Asian is still talking Chinese smack to the bird and it flies off. It finally comes back and she finishes.
Detour: Dancing or Calligraphy. Teams either have to learn to do Chinese Ballroom Dancing or copy Calligraphy from 4 different people and read Chinese to find the next Calligrapher. Yingyangdongwang-"haha, we didn't pay attention in Chinese school!" Uhuh.
The NFLs decide to do the dancing, They have to learn a dance routine. Their teacher is another couple and, man, are they rough manhandlers. The NFL's keep doing the dance and getting a "no" from the judge, and with a laugh. One of them gets really steamed and starts yelling. They decide to quit. While they are walking away, they wonder if they were supposed to keep doing the dance the whole time the music played. Decide to go back and give it another try and they get it right.
Everyone else does the Calligraphy. They basically follow the Wickedly Annoying Asians around doing what they do. The Asians won't shut the frig up. Telling one of the calligraphers "our parents will cry if we don't win". Jeez. By this point my head is throbbing. ChowchungHuangHong, wingwangdingdong.
Teams now need to travel to the Banyan Lake Pit stop. The Asians, Sistas and Deafmom all arrive at the same time. It's a foot race. Phil is standing there with a couple EATING CHINESE FOOD. They mumble "welcome to china" through their Kung Po chicken. The Asians say, "yingyang, what he say??"
Sistas are first-they win a trip to Barbados. Asians are second and Deafmom is third. And, just like that the fight begins again. Phil says, "seems like the competition is getting tough". Mommy tells Phil her distorted story about her poor deaf son getting roughed up by these big scary black women. The Sistas smile/laugh. Mommy goes all crazy on them, yelling and shrieking how unfair it is for them to laugh at a deaf person, especially cause they are black. What that has to do with anything, I have no idea! "You're black, you should know better".
To his credit Phil tries to talk her down off the ledge but Deaf goes all hand waving nuts. Seriously it's a total Deaf rant. The Wickedly Annoying Asians are just standing there going, "how the f&*k did we end up second??"
NFL's arrive as team #4.
The Mini's do the dancing detour. All romantic music and slow motion footage. Yep, bye bye you rule breakers. The are eliiiiiminated.
1. Kisha & Jen: Matt and Kevin
2. Tammy & Victor : John
3. Margie & Luke: Maureen and Amy
4. Jaime & Cara: Terri
Off
11. Preston & Jennifer: Becky and Mary
10. Steve & Linda: Jeff and Eileen
9. Brad & Victoria: Donna
8. Amanda & Kris: Elayne
7. Christie & Jodi: Ginnie
6. Mel & Mike: Joanne
5. Mark & Michael: Karen
Spring 09 Race: Weeks 7 and 8
Whoah. Been a while!! Anyone miss me last week? Good thing my poolster contract allows me to miss one update before it effects my grade.
Week 7 in a nutshell: Fly to Phuket, Thailand, find a giant gorilla statue in the zoo. Gays go to the beach. Have your picture taken with a tiger, get walked on by an elephant. Find a clue in an herb shop. Do not stop and smoke herb. Chose between filling barrels or riding in a rickshaw. DO NOT SABOTAGE THE EQUIPMENT. Mini's hide the pumps for the rickshaws. Bad. Gays are still at the beach. Mini-men arrive first but get bitch-slapped by Phil, get 2 30-minute penalties. Wicked Smart Asians come in first-get a trip to Oahu from Travelocity (ding). NFL's arrive second, then mini's are checked in by Phil who is still looking for an ass kicking. Deaf-N-Mom have trouble. It's really hot in Thailand. Mom faints at the pit. They are team #4. Phil is into hot mammas cause he gets her an ambulance and a bottle of water. Sistas spend a lot of the episode-surprise-lost. They are team #5. Gays decide to take their shirts off and pick up Thai men on the beach instead of playing this stupid race game. Both score. Phil finds them later that night at a public bath, tells them they are eliminated. Gets in the Bath with them and their dates, Raul and Jeffrey. Mom joins them. Ok.
Are y'all happy now? Can we go on to week 8??
So, we're at some temple in Phuket, Thailand. Teams have to fly to Bangkok, which always sounds dirty to me. One of the NFL chicks is totally PMSing. She doesn't believe the pink taxi is a taxi. Calls the police over. Yells at the driver to shut up and stop talking to the police. THEN THEY GET IN THE CAB AND LET HIM DRIVE AWAY WITH THEM. Seriously, I expected to segue right into an episode of CSI:Bangkok.
First flight on Thai air is at 7:25am. All end up on the same flight. They have to take a taxi to the boatyard (apparently there is only one). Sistas driver gets wrong directions. Big friggin shock there.
Roadblock: Who wants to propel their team forward? One person has to screw on a propeller. Once that is approved by a really CRACK overseer who, basically, looks at it and shakes his head, teams have to navigate through the canals of Bangkok with the driver using the cocktail stirrer with the propeller. AND HERE TEAMS MAKE STUPID DECISIONS.
For some reason, the Sistas and the Mini's leave their bags in the taxi thinking they are coming back. Sistas even leave their shoes and friggin fanny packs. Stupid. The canal takes them quite a ways away.
Detour. Teams have to chose between broken teeth or broken record. In broken teeth, they make their way to the "street of happy smiles", which isn't what I was thinking it was going to be, and then have to match dentures to 5 people, fishing then out of a bowl and inserting them until they find the right match. Disgusting. Teams get to wear gloves and glasses to protect them from the massive amounts of parasites and HIV particles in the mouths. Mom and Deaf chose this route.
In broken record, teams have to take a party cab with a couple of really ugly "party girls" ("how much for bang bang??") and sing Thai karaoke. Seriously, this just has hell written all over it.
Mini men are freaked out about their stuff. The better looking one wants to forget their stuff and go on. The other one wants his personal stuff. He was so adamant that I am sure he had Preparation H in his bag. They try for a water taxi but that's too far. They find a taxi from the same company, and arrange for their driver to bring them their stuff. Tweedle dee wants to go do the detour and have the cab meet them in Chinatown, but Tweedle dum wants his Prep H first. Big fight ensues. They decide to take the cab back to the other cab and get their stuff. That costs 400 rupees or whatever they use in Thailand.
The sistas decide to go ahead and do the detour and then worry about their stuff. Well, one decides that, the other is freaked out the whole way. One sista is running around Thailand barefoot. Ugh. That is nasty. Seriously, I've taken parasitology and the route of infection is like, 75% through the feet.
NFL and wicked smart Asians do the party taxi. Some of these party girls need to go over to the street of smiles. Lots of teeth missing.
Back at the dentures, Deaf dude is groaning and grunting and putting bottom plates in the top of people's mouths while his mom kicks ass and slams 4 dentures in. Seriously if they don't win the million, and Phil goes back with his wife, she has a standing offer to work in the dental mines. They finish and make their way to the pit stop -Phiya Thai Palace (I wonder if they have that coconut soup with the chicken?) where they are met by loverboy and a dude with a parrot. The parrot says hello. Phil says, "hey momma how's it hanging? You and the silent kid are team #1. You have won a trip to San Juan. We can leave the kid in an airport locker-who's he going to tell??"
The sistas are in the parteey cab. One of them is convinced the party girls are transvestites. The sistas finish and can't find their taxi. Have to get someone to take them for nothing. Fortunately, the people of Thailand are either 1) very generous or 2) scared to DEATH of two big black chicks.
NFLs are team #2. The Asians and the Sistas are in a footrace for the mat. Sistas are first followed by Asians. Sistas are team #3 BUT Phil can't check them in cause they don't have their travel documents. The Wicked Smart Asians look at them with disdain cause they ALWAYS follow the rules.
The mini men get back to the boatyard. See that there is another cab waiting. They get their stuff and take a cab back to Chinatown to do the detour. They don't have enough money and give the driver a flashlight and compass. Apparently it's bad luck in Thailand to not barter with dwarfs. MIni-men do the party taxi. They then take a cab to the pit, paying this driver with a watch. They are team #4 BUT Phil is really really mad now. Like, really. They incur 2 2-hour penalties for breaking the rule against using personal possessions. Funny, you can't trade a watch but you can sleep with the host to come in team #1.
The Sistas go back and get their bags, find their travel documents and money and make their way back to the pit. Phil checks them in as the real team #4. He then calls the mini-men over to tell them that it's not an elimination leg BUT the 4 hour penalty is added onto their departure time, and they will have a speedbump. And, if they break another rule, he will seriously f them up.
1. Margie & Luke: Maureen and Amy
2. Jaime & Cara: Terri
3. Tammy & Victor : John
4. Kisha & Jen: Matt and Kevin
5. Mark & Michael: Karen
Off
11. Preston & Jennifer: Becky and Mary
10. Steve & Linda: Jeff and Eileen
9. Brad & Victoria: Donna
8. Amanda & Kris: Elayne
7. Christie & Jodi: Ginnie
6. Mel & Mike: Joanne
Week 7 in a nutshell: Fly to Phuket, Thailand, find a giant gorilla statue in the zoo. Gays go to the beach. Have your picture taken with a tiger, get walked on by an elephant. Find a clue in an herb shop. Do not stop and smoke herb. Chose between filling barrels or riding in a rickshaw. DO NOT SABOTAGE THE EQUIPMENT. Mini's hide the pumps for the rickshaws. Bad. Gays are still at the beach. Mini-men arrive first but get bitch-slapped by Phil, get 2 30-minute penalties. Wicked Smart Asians come in first-get a trip to Oahu from Travelocity (ding). NFL's arrive second, then mini's are checked in by Phil who is still looking for an ass kicking. Deaf-N-Mom have trouble. It's really hot in Thailand. Mom faints at the pit. They are team #4. Phil is into hot mammas cause he gets her an ambulance and a bottle of water. Sistas spend a lot of the episode-surprise-lost. They are team #5. Gays decide to take their shirts off and pick up Thai men on the beach instead of playing this stupid race game. Both score. Phil finds them later that night at a public bath, tells them they are eliminated. Gets in the Bath with them and their dates, Raul and Jeffrey. Mom joins them. Ok.
Are y'all happy now? Can we go on to week 8??
So, we're at some temple in Phuket, Thailand. Teams have to fly to Bangkok, which always sounds dirty to me. One of the NFL chicks is totally PMSing. She doesn't believe the pink taxi is a taxi. Calls the police over. Yells at the driver to shut up and stop talking to the police. THEN THEY GET IN THE CAB AND LET HIM DRIVE AWAY WITH THEM. Seriously, I expected to segue right into an episode of CSI:Bangkok.
First flight on Thai air is at 7:25am. All end up on the same flight. They have to take a taxi to the boatyard (apparently there is only one). Sistas driver gets wrong directions. Big friggin shock there.
Roadblock: Who wants to propel their team forward? One person has to screw on a propeller. Once that is approved by a really CRACK overseer who, basically, looks at it and shakes his head, teams have to navigate through the canals of Bangkok with the driver using the cocktail stirrer with the propeller. AND HERE TEAMS MAKE STUPID DECISIONS.
For some reason, the Sistas and the Mini's leave their bags in the taxi thinking they are coming back. Sistas even leave their shoes and friggin fanny packs. Stupid. The canal takes them quite a ways away.
Detour. Teams have to chose between broken teeth or broken record. In broken teeth, they make their way to the "street of happy smiles", which isn't what I was thinking it was going to be, and then have to match dentures to 5 people, fishing then out of a bowl and inserting them until they find the right match. Disgusting. Teams get to wear gloves and glasses to protect them from the massive amounts of parasites and HIV particles in the mouths. Mom and Deaf chose this route.
In broken record, teams have to take a party cab with a couple of really ugly "party girls" ("how much for bang bang??") and sing Thai karaoke. Seriously, this just has hell written all over it.
Mini men are freaked out about their stuff. The better looking one wants to forget their stuff and go on. The other one wants his personal stuff. He was so adamant that I am sure he had Preparation H in his bag. They try for a water taxi but that's too far. They find a taxi from the same company, and arrange for their driver to bring them their stuff. Tweedle dee wants to go do the detour and have the cab meet them in Chinatown, but Tweedle dum wants his Prep H first. Big fight ensues. They decide to take the cab back to the other cab and get their stuff. That costs 400 rupees or whatever they use in Thailand.
The sistas decide to go ahead and do the detour and then worry about their stuff. Well, one decides that, the other is freaked out the whole way. One sista is running around Thailand barefoot. Ugh. That is nasty. Seriously, I've taken parasitology and the route of infection is like, 75% through the feet.
NFL and wicked smart Asians do the party taxi. Some of these party girls need to go over to the street of smiles. Lots of teeth missing.
Back at the dentures, Deaf dude is groaning and grunting and putting bottom plates in the top of people's mouths while his mom kicks ass and slams 4 dentures in. Seriously if they don't win the million, and Phil goes back with his wife, she has a standing offer to work in the dental mines. They finish and make their way to the pit stop -Phiya Thai Palace (I wonder if they have that coconut soup with the chicken?) where they are met by loverboy and a dude with a parrot. The parrot says hello. Phil says, "hey momma how's it hanging? You and the silent kid are team #1. You have won a trip to San Juan. We can leave the kid in an airport locker-who's he going to tell??"
The sistas are in the parteey cab. One of them is convinced the party girls are transvestites. The sistas finish and can't find their taxi. Have to get someone to take them for nothing. Fortunately, the people of Thailand are either 1) very generous or 2) scared to DEATH of two big black chicks.
NFLs are team #2. The Asians and the Sistas are in a footrace for the mat. Sistas are first followed by Asians. Sistas are team #3 BUT Phil can't check them in cause they don't have their travel documents. The Wicked Smart Asians look at them with disdain cause they ALWAYS follow the rules.
The mini men get back to the boatyard. See that there is another cab waiting. They get their stuff and take a cab back to Chinatown to do the detour. They don't have enough money and give the driver a flashlight and compass. Apparently it's bad luck in Thailand to not barter with dwarfs. MIni-men do the party taxi. They then take a cab to the pit, paying this driver with a watch. They are team #4 BUT Phil is really really mad now. Like, really. They incur 2 2-hour penalties for breaking the rule against using personal possessions. Funny, you can't trade a watch but you can sleep with the host to come in team #1.
The Sistas go back and get their bags, find their travel documents and money and make their way back to the pit. Phil checks them in as the real team #4. He then calls the mini-men over to tell them that it's not an elimination leg BUT the 4 hour penalty is added onto their departure time, and they will have a speedbump. And, if they break another rule, he will seriously f them up.
1. Margie & Luke: Maureen and Amy
2. Jaime & Cara: Terri
3. Tammy & Victor : John
4. Kisha & Jen: Matt and Kevin
5. Mark & Michael: Karen
Off
11. Preston & Jennifer: Becky and Mary
10. Steve & Linda: Jeff and Eileen
9. Brad & Victoria: Donna
8. Amanda & Kris: Elayne
7. Christie & Jodi: Ginnie
6. Mel & Mike: Joanne
Spring 09 Amazing Race: Week 6
Ok, I am a lazy ass. I admit it. I now have about 50 minutes to write up last week. So, hold onto your hats:
Leaving Russia. Teams have to fly to Jaipur India. I would so hate that. All teams end up on the same flight from Moscow to The Pink City, where they have to take taxi's to a sacred tree.
The Ho's will have a speedbump in this leg of the race.
Once in India, we get the message that it's hot, dirty, smells like crap and everyone is poor. And, the taxi drivers are idiots and don't know where they are going. Which is not surprising if you have taken a cab in NYC when you think that the smart Indian drivers got out of India and are in NYC and still can't drive or find your destination. Mini men are frustrated when their driver basically disappears completely. Turns out he was just consulting mapquest and now has the directions.
Ho's get pissy when their driver stops for gas: "Do they have a hurry button". Which is funny since the driver was wondering if the blondes had an easy button he could play with.
Once at the sacred tree, there are a bunch of dudes sitting around looking sacred AND BIG ASS RED PHONES NEXT TO THEM. The wicked smart Asians get there first and quickly figure out the clue is to call one of 4 numbers on the phones. Although they can't understand the clue until their driver, Babu (seriously) listens to it, they learn they have to go to Amber Fort. While the wicked smart Asians take off, the rest of the IDIOTS keep walking around the tree saying, "I wonder where the clue box is".
Amber Fort holds a Roadblock. Camel Care. One member has to move water and food USING THE PROPER VESSELS to a camel with it's daily requirement. Asian dude is first up and at first takes the water bucket to the food but figures out the large baskets are the proper vessel for the food. By the time he finishes the food, the idiots arrive. Gaydad has trouble carrying all the water but at least he has stopped yelling "my groin, my groin" every 5 seconds. He figures out the basket for the food and starts on that.
After filling the food and water, teams must travel to a puppet store. Seriously, how do you keep a store that sells puppets open for business in the midst of that poverty?? Once at the puppet store, however, there is a detour that has nothing to do with puppets which proves my point that it probably was just an opium den with a puppet store front.
Detour: Movers or Shakers. In movers teams travel...somewhere...and have to bike a bunch of huge ass barrels to...somewhere else. Once at somewhere else, they have to unload them, and unload the hay and find a little elephant. Only the mini-men do the movers.
In shakers, teams have to dress up as prostitutes in bright colors and makeup, and pimp for 100 rupees. Seriously, do not tell me that the Amazing Race crew does not hand out the money in advance. Hmmm, we're all poor as shit and we have 10 rupees. Do we 1) eat, 2) eat some more or 3) give our money to some crazy whored up Americans playing in our country for a million dollars, which is alike a friggin BAZILLION rupees.
Speedbump: the HO's have to do paint by number on an elephant's head. YAWN. This sets them back about 5 minutes.
All the other teams do the whore thing. The gays LOVE THE PRETTY COLORS!!! Reminds them of this year's gay pride parade. Wow, still 20 minutes left of my time but alas, this was a kind of dull week and teams now have to get to the pitt stop which is Jaeger Port.
Teams arrive and are met with some Indian dude playing a nose flute. What incredibly poor people won't do for a little money!
Team1 is the wicked smart Asians! They win ocean Kayaks which no doubt will sit and gather dust in their 3 car garages while they are back at their corporate lawyer jobs.It's a race to the finish as the mini men can't find the little elephant trinket in their hay. Ooooh, who will come in last? Mini's or Ho's????? Ahh, it's the Ho's who are the next team eeeliminated.
Leaving Russia. Teams have to fly to Jaipur India. I would so hate that. All teams end up on the same flight from Moscow to The Pink City, where they have to take taxi's to a sacred tree.
The Ho's will have a speedbump in this leg of the race.
Once in India, we get the message that it's hot, dirty, smells like crap and everyone is poor. And, the taxi drivers are idiots and don't know where they are going. Which is not surprising if you have taken a cab in NYC when you think that the smart Indian drivers got out of India and are in NYC and still can't drive or find your destination. Mini men are frustrated when their driver basically disappears completely. Turns out he was just consulting mapquest and now has the directions.
Ho's get pissy when their driver stops for gas: "Do they have a hurry button". Which is funny since the driver was wondering if the blondes had an easy button he could play with.
Once at the sacred tree, there are a bunch of dudes sitting around looking sacred AND BIG ASS RED PHONES NEXT TO THEM. The wicked smart Asians get there first and quickly figure out the clue is to call one of 4 numbers on the phones. Although they can't understand the clue until their driver, Babu (seriously) listens to it, they learn they have to go to Amber Fort. While the wicked smart Asians take off, the rest of the IDIOTS keep walking around the tree saying, "I wonder where the clue box is".
Amber Fort holds a Roadblock. Camel Care. One member has to move water and food USING THE PROPER VESSELS to a camel with it's daily requirement. Asian dude is first up and at first takes the water bucket to the food but figures out the large baskets are the proper vessel for the food. By the time he finishes the food, the idiots arrive. Gaydad has trouble carrying all the water but at least he has stopped yelling "my groin, my groin" every 5 seconds. He figures out the basket for the food and starts on that.
After filling the food and water, teams must travel to a puppet store. Seriously, how do you keep a store that sells puppets open for business in the midst of that poverty?? Once at the puppet store, however, there is a detour that has nothing to do with puppets which proves my point that it probably was just an opium den with a puppet store front.
Detour: Movers or Shakers. In movers teams travel...somewhere...and have to bike a bunch of huge ass barrels to...somewhere else. Once at somewhere else, they have to unload them, and unload the hay and find a little elephant. Only the mini-men do the movers.
In shakers, teams have to dress up as prostitutes in bright colors and makeup, and pimp for 100 rupees. Seriously, do not tell me that the Amazing Race crew does not hand out the money in advance. Hmmm, we're all poor as shit and we have 10 rupees. Do we 1) eat, 2) eat some more or 3) give our money to some crazy whored up Americans playing in our country for a million dollars, which is alike a friggin BAZILLION rupees.
Speedbump: the HO's have to do paint by number on an elephant's head. YAWN. This sets them back about 5 minutes.
All the other teams do the whore thing. The gays LOVE THE PRETTY COLORS!!! Reminds them of this year's gay pride parade. Wow, still 20 minutes left of my time but alas, this was a kind of dull week and teams now have to get to the pitt stop which is Jaeger Port.
Teams arrive and are met with some Indian dude playing a nose flute. What incredibly poor people won't do for a little money!
Team1 is the wicked smart Asians! They win ocean Kayaks which no doubt will sit and gather dust in their 3 car garages while they are back at their corporate lawyer jobs.It's a race to the finish as the mini men can't find the little elephant trinket in their hay. Ooooh, who will come in last? Mini's or Ho's????? Ahh, it's the Ho's who are the next team eeeliminated.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Survivor Brazil Week 8
YO, I just watched last week's episode last night. Am still laughing about what a total ASS Coach it.
It was all Coach, all the time last week. Coach thought everyone was bored sitting around the campfire, so he decided to tell some little stories of his life, just to amuse people.
If you didn't watch the show, find a teenager, but some dope and take a BIG hit while I tell ya the story.
“I want you to know that there are three people in the world that know this story,”
APPARENTLY this idiot thinks he was air lifted BY MILITARY HELICOPTERS (I have connections,,,) into the Amazon, where he was captured by six or 7 "indigenous 4 foot tall people" with arrows pointed at him. He was tied to a stake and beaten (I guess around the knees since they were all dwarf amazonians). He slipped out of the rope, slipped out the back of camp and kayak'd for 2 days to escape.
SERIOUSLY??? Are ya sure they weren't aliens? Cause, the look a lot like 4' tall amazonians. Apparently, the National Geographic wanted to go to the Amazon with him and he said, "nooo, this is all about me". Riiiiiight.
The funniest part was the other Survivors just looking at him and the sound of crickets. Man, we watched this and then went to bed and I kept waking Wil up asking him if he really said, military helicopters? Like, blackhawks?? And, was this the same trip w ith the snake or did he go back for revenge? Is it me or is this like the plot of that crappy "Captain Hook" movie-the one where Julia Roberts had that shitty short haircut after she alter-ran from FRIGGIN KIEFFER SUTHERLAND"????????
So, next morning Coach is doing his yoga-oh sorry Tai Chi, which he calls Chong Ran. I call it Douche Bag. “If you do a Google search on it, you won’t find it. It’s only passed down verbally. You have to go there to the monastery to study it,”
Time to make a bazillion alliances. JT says he has an alliance with Coach, Tyson, Stephen and I think Debbie (he was twanging pretty bad here).
Coach: I am the dragon slayer, and Brendan is the head of the dragon. Sierra is the colon. I must kill the dragon.
JT sides up to Erinn. She missed Joe. JT: "so, do y'all have an alliance out here? Hmmmmm, maybe for a little sex I can help y'all out little lady".
JT goes to his OTHER alliance and asks Taj and Stephen what they would think about an alliance with him and Erinn.
Reward Challenge: thanks god, that whole alliance shit was testing my sobriety. In yet another blatant attack on Ceramic Artists, survivors are split into teams of 3 (Coach, Taj and Tyson; Stephen, Erin and Sierra; Debbie, JT and Brendan) and take turns throwing bean bags through ceramic tiles. Seriously, I think this game was called connect 4 when I was a kid.
Wanna know what you're playing for? White water rafting and a picnic. No toilet though . You also get to send one person to exile.
Team Coach is first out. So, Coach just stands around looking bored and pissed the rest of the time. Team Stephen is out next meaning Debbie, JT and Brendan win reward. They send Stephen back to exile.
Cut to Stephen at exile. Stephen manages to build a fire which takes about 2 hours. Poor Stephen, doesn't have his brokeback mountain buddy. Apparently this time he spends 2 nights on exile.
Reward: rafting and food. While Debbie takes a walk, Brendan ask JT if anyone has approached him to be in an alliance. This guy is working the stupid hick thing like a champ. Brendan thinks his chances lie with JT.
Back at camp next morning, Brendan stayed up all night trying to figure out how to not lose. He decides he wants to bring JT into his alliance. He talks to Sierra who is a little hot for JT and wants to keep him around. Brendan lays out the plan. “Take out Tyson, Coach and Erinn,” He presents the idea to Taj who just wants to keep Jalapeno around as long as possible.
Hey, is Taj really a former pop star??
Challenge: it's some complicated rope mess. You are attached to a rope and have to navigate through a maze. There are 2 stages. It is friggin lame.
Stage 1: JT, Tyson and Brendan win. Coach, Mr I-got-out-of-the-amazon-alive comes in about last.
Stage 2: Tyson wins immunity.
Ok, Tyson kind of creeps me out. He looks like one of the lost boys from said mentioned Captain Hook movie. Coach wants to split the vote between Brendan and Sierra so if one of them plays the idol, the other goes. Which is Tyson's plan from last week...
Brendan wants Coach and talks to Sierra, JT, Taj and Stephen about it.
Tribal: Jeff has apparently been briefed by the camera crew cause he starts right off with "so, who tells the best campfire stories". LOL.
Coach has his samuri hair tonight. Jeff is in pale green. It's a good color for him.
TAJ: Coach tells the best campfire stories.
Jeff: Really?? Do tell.
Coach: I actually toned the story down to make it PG. The dwarfs really wanted to eat my ahole. LMFAO. uhuh.
Coach: I've had 6-8 life or death situations, Jeff. Been in a hurricane, attacked by a shark, and a croc, the Indian tribe capture... WOW, who knew how friggin stressful being a concert conductor could be!
Jeff: Coach, are you still confident?
Jeff: Tyson, how big is trust??
Taj: JT is a triple threat, Jeff.
Jeff: Taj-do you have the idol? Stephen? Brendan? "Yes, Jeff, I have the idol"
Time to vote.
Coach gets 2 votes (Sierra and Brendan)
Sierra gets 3 ( JT, Tyson and Erin)
Brendan gets 4 votes ( Coach, Debbie, Taj, Stephen).
Brendan is voted off. Damn, I was hoping Coach was going but, why ruin the party now??
It was all Coach, all the time last week. Coach thought everyone was bored sitting around the campfire, so he decided to tell some little stories of his life, just to amuse people.
If you didn't watch the show, find a teenager, but some dope and take a BIG hit while I tell ya the story.
“I want you to know that there are three people in the world that know this story,”
APPARENTLY this idiot thinks he was air lifted BY MILITARY HELICOPTERS (I have connections,,,) into the Amazon, where he was captured by six or 7 "indigenous 4 foot tall people" with arrows pointed at him. He was tied to a stake and beaten (I guess around the knees since they were all dwarf amazonians). He slipped out of the rope, slipped out the back of camp and kayak'd for 2 days to escape.
SERIOUSLY??? Are ya sure they weren't aliens? Cause, the look a lot like 4' tall amazonians. Apparently, the National Geographic wanted to go to the Amazon with him and he said, "nooo, this is all about me". Riiiiiight.
The funniest part was the other Survivors just looking at him and the sound of crickets. Man, we watched this and then went to bed and I kept waking Wil up asking him if he really said, military helicopters? Like, blackhawks?? And, was this the same trip w ith the snake or did he go back for revenge? Is it me or is this like the plot of that crappy "Captain Hook" movie-the one where Julia Roberts had that shitty short haircut after she alter-ran from FRIGGIN KIEFFER SUTHERLAND"????????
So, next morning Coach is doing his yoga-oh sorry Tai Chi, which he calls Chong Ran. I call it Douche Bag. “If you do a Google search on it, you won’t find it. It’s only passed down verbally. You have to go there to the monastery to study it,”
Time to make a bazillion alliances. JT says he has an alliance with Coach, Tyson, Stephen and I think Debbie (he was twanging pretty bad here).
Coach: I am the dragon slayer, and Brendan is the head of the dragon. Sierra is the colon. I must kill the dragon.
JT sides up to Erinn. She missed Joe. JT: "so, do y'all have an alliance out here? Hmmmmm, maybe for a little sex I can help y'all out little lady".
JT goes to his OTHER alliance and asks Taj and Stephen what they would think about an alliance with him and Erinn.
Reward Challenge: thanks god, that whole alliance shit was testing my sobriety. In yet another blatant attack on Ceramic Artists, survivors are split into teams of 3 (Coach, Taj and Tyson; Stephen, Erin and Sierra; Debbie, JT and Brendan) and take turns throwing bean bags through ceramic tiles. Seriously, I think this game was called connect 4 when I was a kid.
Wanna know what you're playing for? White water rafting and a picnic. No toilet though . You also get to send one person to exile.
Team Coach is first out. So, Coach just stands around looking bored and pissed the rest of the time. Team Stephen is out next meaning Debbie, JT and Brendan win reward. They send Stephen back to exile.
Cut to Stephen at exile. Stephen manages to build a fire which takes about 2 hours. Poor Stephen, doesn't have his brokeback mountain buddy. Apparently this time he spends 2 nights on exile.
Reward: rafting and food. While Debbie takes a walk, Brendan ask JT if anyone has approached him to be in an alliance. This guy is working the stupid hick thing like a champ. Brendan thinks his chances lie with JT.
Back at camp next morning, Brendan stayed up all night trying to figure out how to not lose. He decides he wants to bring JT into his alliance. He talks to Sierra who is a little hot for JT and wants to keep him around. Brendan lays out the plan. “Take out Tyson, Coach and Erinn,” He presents the idea to Taj who just wants to keep Jalapeno around as long as possible.
Hey, is Taj really a former pop star??
Challenge: it's some complicated rope mess. You are attached to a rope and have to navigate through a maze. There are 2 stages. It is friggin lame.
Stage 1: JT, Tyson and Brendan win. Coach, Mr I-got-out-of-the-amazon-alive comes in about last.
Stage 2: Tyson wins immunity.
Ok, Tyson kind of creeps me out. He looks like one of the lost boys from said mentioned Captain Hook movie. Coach wants to split the vote between Brendan and Sierra so if one of them plays the idol, the other goes. Which is Tyson's plan from last week...
Brendan wants Coach and talks to Sierra, JT, Taj and Stephen about it.
Tribal: Jeff has apparently been briefed by the camera crew cause he starts right off with "so, who tells the best campfire stories". LOL.
Coach has his samuri hair tonight. Jeff is in pale green. It's a good color for him.
TAJ: Coach tells the best campfire stories.
Jeff: Really?? Do tell.
Coach: I actually toned the story down to make it PG. The dwarfs really wanted to eat my ahole. LMFAO. uhuh.
Coach: I've had 6-8 life or death situations, Jeff. Been in a hurricane, attacked by a shark, and a croc, the Indian tribe capture... WOW, who knew how friggin stressful being a concert conductor could be!
Jeff: Coach, are you still confident?
Jeff: Tyson, how big is trust??
Taj: JT is a triple threat, Jeff.
Jeff: Taj-do you have the idol? Stephen? Brendan? "Yes, Jeff, I have the idol"
Time to vote.
Coach gets 2 votes (Sierra and Brendan)
Sierra gets 3 ( JT, Tyson and Erin)
Brendan gets 4 votes ( Coach, Debbie, Taj, Stephen).
Brendan is voted off. Damn, I was hoping Coach was going but, why ruin the party now??
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