Survivor Update

And so we have arrived at the final night!!  Who else believes this game is Ben's to lose?  And frankly these final 4 with him DESERVE TO LOSE for the simple reason that when someone is an idol magnet, YOU NEVER EVER allow them to go ANYWHERE without a tag team.  Jesus people!!!

So Ben played the surprise idol last week and knows, AS DOES EVERYONE ELSE, that there will be another idol planted.  And barely planted because like everything in the world, even the idol placement has become dumbed down and we now have to stamp the trees and rocks with freakin signs that say HEY THERE IS AN IDOL HERE.  

So, while everyone is excitedly talking about how IT HAS TO BE BEN, he slips away and looks for an idol.  And the next morning, while everyone dreams of the million dollars they won't be winning, Ben gets up and looks for an idol.  Chrissy wakes up and is like, "oh I'm guessing Ben is off looking for an idol", yet she waits until the next lazy ASS wakes up to say, "hey Ben's been out there looking for an idol for about 45 minutes".   For GOD sake, you're a bunch of idiots!!!    Chrissy is "banking on him not finding it".  If you have ever watched the show you know that once you find one idol, you pretty much crack the FORT KNOX of logical you need to find every damn one.  

Reward challenge:  Tied in pairs, you get a night at a resort.  Oh, you do the challenge in pairs, not the reward.  HEY here's an idea, SOMEONE SHOULD ALWAYS BE TIED TO BEN AT CAMP.

Devon and Chrissy win the reward and get to pick one other.  They discuss and pick Ryan, totally shocking Ashley who basically says, "well I know who wears the pants in that pair".  Devon, Chrissy and Ryan go off on their Club Med vacation leaving Ben with an angry Ashley and a moron Mike to basically run around the camp looking for that idol.  Was there a clue at the reward?  Dunno because I doubt these 3 tools even looked.  

Ben tries to "work" with Mike and Ashley but they both tell him to not bother so he goes off to idol search.  WITH NO ONE WATCHING HIM.  

Immunity Challenge refrigerator magnets for tonight:

Sandbags 

Basketball hoops

Ladder

Sandbags

Basketball hoops

and 

Cog Puzzle.  

The only bright spot in that episode for me is Chrissy wins immunity so I'm immune this week.  

Back at camp....BEN WANDERS OFF TO FIND THE GOD DAMN IDOL.  

The remaining brain trust sit in the water and think, "hey, what if Ben finds an other idol.  Maybe we should split the vote between him and Mike".  Everyone thinks, THERE'S A GOOD IDEA.  But Chrissy is pushing for the vote to be split between Ben and Ashley because basically those 2 are like cats tied in the same pillowcase.  Devon isn't sure about getting rid of Ashley.  

BEN FINDS AN IDOL CLUE.  But the idol is hidden under the bed at camp, and everyone is hanging around the bed all day.  "I am not going anywhere tonight without that idol".

Tribal

So basically this is another freaking mess.  It's all blah blah blah, with Mike announcing to no one with a clue that "Ben is the biggest THWEAT".  More blah blah blah, Devon says "Ben is going home tonight".  Ben whips out his idol and says "BOOOOOOOOOM".  

Chrissy is all, that's disrespectful going BOOOOM when it really doesn't change things that much.  

Ben is all over himself.  He asks Ashley and Devon, "wanna go back to camp with me?  Vote for Mike".  He's all "AWESOME!!!  I just turned the 5 against themselves.  Mission Accomplished!!!"

Time to vote.....

Mike 1, Ashley 4 and is now the pissed off new member of the jury.

Good luck tonight to those of you (and me) still in this thing!!!  Go Chrissy!!!!!

Survivor: Best Tribal EVER!!

Hello Survivors!  Hope everyone got a chance to watch that INSANE tribal council last week because I seriously doubt I can do it justice.  We must be getting close to the finale but I don't think it's this week!

So we were left last time with Joe's AMAZINGLY tight alliance falling apart, and Mike getting blindsided AGAIN.  Seriously, will anyone go to his urology practice after this show??  I wouldn't let him touch my garden hose let alone anything alive.  

Chrissy talks to Ben, who totally screwed her over by pretending to be in her alliance, and he told her his "plan didn't align with yours".  She starts to argue with him and he is a shit who tells her not to "mother me".  Cuts her off with "Goodnight".  JERK.

Reward Challenge, and it's the looooved ones episode.  We get to see everyone stinking and hanging on their clean and good smelling loved ones.  I know it's been 30 days and they all want to kiss but IT'S BEEN 30 DAYS WITHOUT A TOOTHBRUSH.  Every time I'm grossed out.  So who do we have?

Ashley's Dad Jim

Ryan's Dad Steve

Mike's wife Barry?  Mary??  Couldn't figure it out.  She had 2 eyes, not just one on her forehead though.

Lauren's sister Sunny who also likes to put on the feed bag.  I could hang with Sunny because she runs in and hugs Jeff.  LOL!

Chrissy's husband Keith

Ben's wife who looks to be about 18 and the mother of his 5 and 3 year old

Devon's mom Sonja.  

It's possibly the shortest challenge ever and totally not worth the flight to Fiji.  The each get a bag with a black and a white marble and they pick together.  If they match, they're in.  If not?  OUT.  

In the first round only Ben and Chrissy have matches.  Round 2?  Only Chrissy and her husband match so, sorry charlie you are shit out of luck.  Too bad you were a fuckwit to Chrissy earlier because she probably would have chosen you to join her in a BBQ back at the camp with your loved one.  As it is, she picks Ryan, Mike and Ashley to eat and visit with their loved ones.  Ben, Devon and Laura?  GOT NOTHING FOR YA.

Chrissy decides Ashley might be the easier to break her alliance so they all sit down and talk with her and offer her help in getting rid of her competition in finale, Ben.  

Back at camp, Ben decides to make a fake idol.  He tells Devon about the fake one and they all go off to look for a real one since they think there is a replacement to the one Ryan played somewhere.  Ben tells Lauren about the fake idol.  She's disgusted that he has a personal grudge against Chrissy and he wants her to find it and embarrass herself by playing it at tribal.  "Ben makes it personal and that's wrong".  

Lauren find the idol, but it's only half of an idol.  The other half is a shell that will be at the next immunity challenge and she has to pick it up.  

Immunity Challenge:  They have to stand with arms outstretched holding 2 disks onto a frame,  It looks tough and people start dropping right away.  In the middle, Lauren drops to pick up the shell that's under her feet basically.  Seriously, after they are out, for the first time ever, they don't go to a bench but sit on their perches.  Makes it totally stupid to make a big deal out of her having to pick up the other half of the idol.  Like, hmmm, I'm sitting here and everyone else is staring straight ahead of me, and how unreasonable would it be for me to just pick up a shell and play with it?  C'mon Probst, you can do better.  

It comes down to Devon and Ashley and Devon asks if she wants to just quit.  He agrees to quit for a back rub.  Ashley wins immunity. 

They basically have to decide if it's Mike, Chrissy or Ryan.  OR DO THEY???  Ashley decides she needs a resume builder, a big move!  I hate this whole resume builder bullshit.  Ashley thinks she needs to take out Ben for her resume to be complete.  

Devon wants Chrissy to go.  Devon, Ashley and Lauren are discussing Ben vs Chrissy at the waterhole when Ben walks up. They all stop talking and act totally weird.  Ben talks to Mike and says those 3 are too tight, he needs to make...wait for it... a BIG MOVE.  Ben tells Mike that Lauren has both and extra vote AND and idol.  They decide to vote for her to flush out the idols.  Mike remarks, "All of a sudden, I feel like I'm back on top. So, never underestimate Dr. Mike."  Ben also talks to Ryan and he agrees to vote for Lauren.  

Chrissy talks to Devon.  Ben sees her and asks her what they were talking about and she says "why should I tell you??"   Ben takes a walk with Chrissy and apologizes to her and says he wants to work with her and that he is voting for Lauren.  He also tells her about Lauren's extra vote and her idol and she tells him she'll think about it.  

Chrissy talks to Mike and tells him she still doesn't trust Ben.  He says, "i know you are mad at him but this would be a huge move".  Chrissy really wants Ben gone so Mike needs a plan B.  Mike goes to talk to Devon and Ashley and asks them whey they didn't tell him about Lauren's not very secret advantage or her idol?  Devon runs off to Lauren and tells her Ben is trying to blindside her so in order to reel Mike back in she shares half of the idol with him, since she can't play only half.  Mike thinks this is possibly one of the stupidest moves on Survivor history and asks if the Survivor Gods will make her pay for it.  

Tribal INSANITY

Jeff asks Devon about throwing the challenge for a massage and he is very defensive, saying he did it to show his loyalty to Ashley and Lauren.  

Ben is like, OH REEEEAAAAALLLY.  I notice you didn't mention my name there smiley boy

Ashley says the pressure is getting to some people and now people at the bottom are safe and people at the top should be worrie

Ben is like, ya mean me?

Lauren asks him what kind of game move it was to tell people about his idol? 

Ben says it was part of his game play

Lauren:  we got some game for you dude.

Ashley says he is messing up his own game

Ben asks, oh like the game you were playing at the well??

Lauren says he's paranoid

Ben says, Oh I'm not paranoid, I'm just gunning for you

Lauren suggests he better have enough ammunition

Chrissy announces that Lauren is a target because has a special advantage

Lauren says she ripped it up.  Yea, yea, that's what happened.  Then she says it's back at camp and she "can't use it if she don't have it".

Jeff is amazed that everyone knows every idol and advantage and Mike says he has half of her idol

Lauren says that Ben made a fake idol.

Ben pulls it out and puts it on saying "I didn't want to use it as a personal attack on my good friend Chrissy

Mike stands up and says he always wanted to do this, and then throws his half of the idol in the fire so it can't be played.  He then of course looks to Jeff for approval

Jeff asks, "so no one likes idols?"

Mike points out that they are a blessing and a curse, to which Ryan says they are a curse IF people know about them

Lauren says that the advantage isn't being played and tells Ryan he can have it.

Ben says, how about we just send Lauren home?

Devon says that Ben is more dangerous

And then again, multiple conversations break out, people get up and start talking to Ryan and Mike. Devon and Ashley come over and work on them.

Ben says, Jeff they are deciding on me of Lauren but I'll just announce that I'm voting for Lauren.

Devon says, LET'S VOTE.

They vote and Jeff can read the votes, Ben says, Um, hey Jeff?  I made that fake idol for my wife.  I'm playing this one!!

Ben gets 6 votes, none count.

Lauren goes to the jury with only Ben's vote!!!  

Awesome Tribal!!!  Nancy, can you share the payment info again?

Shit it's Wednesday, and another double episode!  I gotta bang through this because it was an important pair of episodes!

So Mike played his idol and Joe is mad because 1) it was freaking stupid to play it and 2) Joe didn't know about it.  

Chrissy announces Mike and Joe are dead men walking.

Mike declares he's here to WIN!!  Stay tuned!!!

Reward Challenge:  Use your disgustingly dirty feet to build a block tower and add a flag.  Wanna know?  Cheeseburgers and fries.  Hey remember back in the day when they actually pretended to give a shit about the local culture?  Yea, that world is so yesterday.  

Lauren wins.  She picks Ben, Devon and Ashley to join her.  Jeff asks Ryan if that bothers him and he says no because Devon is always hungry and Ashley hasn't won yet.  But he's 100% wrong because the real reason Lauren chose these 3 is her decision to split the 7 into the her final 4, leaving JP, Chrissy and Ryan out of the final alliance.  They eat cheeseburgers and share everything they know including that Ryan has an idol and Lauren has the special advantage. They decide it's all about business and they have to keep Joe and Mike around.  Poor Devon thinks Lauren is ALMOST as good at the strategy as he is!  

They're all happy and then they find letters from home under the burger buns.  

Back at the ranch, Mike and Joe decide it's time for them to bust things up.  They run around basically yelling HELLOOOOOOO, WE ARE 2 VOTES YOU CAN USE TO SPLIT UP YOUR ALLIANCE!!  They decide to call themselves the coco-nuts.  

Chrissy talks to Ryan and they once again agree Joe is next.  But then they agree that the first off of the 7 should be Ben and then Lauren.  Chrissy asks, will we really get to the final 7 and get to play together??

Ben goes out to read his letters from home and finds a clue and then an idol.  

IC:  Balance on a triangular platform in the water.  Or if you are feeling secure you can sit out the challenge and eat.  Devon, Lauren and Ben decide to eat.  Ryan is a bit annoyed by that.  Ashley wins immunity.

The 7 debate Joe or Mike and decide the boys vote Mike, the girls vote out Joe.  Devon is all gloating how Ryan and Chrissy are cluelessly blinded by power.  He's just so thrilled with himself!  

Lauren decides that NOW is the time to take control of the game.  They need to flush out Ryan's idol and split the 7.  Devon comes up with his big plan to blow things up with a blindside of JP/Ryan/Chrissy by having Ben continue to pretend that he's also out of the loop so they can get info from the remaining 2.  

Lauren approaches Joe and Mike and says they want to work with them.  FINALLY!!!!  Mike says he's not the court jester, he's actually freaking MERLIN and he's going to take everybody out one by one.  

Tribal

Mike says his ridiculous play last week was to reinvent the game.  He says although he's saying the same bullshit Joe is, that now that a DOCTOR is saying it people will believe him.  

Everyone is laughing it up at the coco-nuts.

Ryan says that the 7 are still totally strong! He says something about a shared vision among the 7

Joe says it's possible that he and Mike's vision might line up with someone in that 7 that wants to split it up

Lauren says not only is this not the calm before the storm, that it is the PERFECT storm

Poor clueless Chrissy says something about how do we manage our individual way to the end?

Lauren says that in fact they aren't all sitting around thinking they are a happy 7

Ashley says they're not all playing as poorly as Joe thinks they are.

Ryan is asked by Jeff how you know when something is happening and he says "it's happening when you don't think it's happening"

Ben says for about the 5th time at Tribal, you need to trust 2-3 people to get you to the final.

Chrissy says she's like to trust the people in my closest alliance.

Vote:  Mike 3, Joe 1 and JP is voted off breaking the 7 alliance.  

Back at camp Chrissy asks if someone would like to tell her what happened?  Devon just keeps strutting around with his dumb grin on his face.  Joe is an asshole to her saying "we aren't going to tell you but like you always said to us, you should just be glad to be here still and not bitter".  Chrissy says she is most mad about how they were treated after the vote.  

Ryan tries to be gracious but is pissed.  

Ben is still acting but says Joe is walking around like the whole thing was his idea.  Lauren is gloating about reversing the roles so Ryan and Chrissy are at the bottom.  Ben promises to get Ryan to play his idol.  

Ryan talks to Devon who tells him he was left out of it because he lied to him about not telling anyone about his idol.  "I trust Ashley and Lauren but you scared me".  

Reward Challenge:  Swim to a boat, paddle in collecting logs, use them to push puzzle pieces, do the puzzle.  In 2 teams.  Ben, Ashley, Joe and Devon win a spa day.  

Joe: "I finally have a true alliance".  At the reward Ben is still acting all hurt at being on the outs, while Joe is eating it up and rubbing his face in it.  Joe says Ben is now at the bottom and doesn't know how to play the game.  

Ashley sees what a great actor Ben is and she's a bit scared of how good he is.  Devon and Ashley keep congratulating themselves on their big moves!!  

At camp, Ryan is upset that his game is so bad he couldn't even win a veggie wrap.  He decides to talk to Mike to see if he can split him back off.  Mike is all proud of his new position and rightly points out that Ryan never wanted to work with him when the tables were turned.  Mike says, "I'm good now, unfortunately for you..." 

Chrissy tries to talk to Lauren and gets nothing there either.  "You never wanted to work with me before..."

It's a rainy day and Chrissy is all depressed and miserable.  

Immunity Challenge and it's not a balance one!  The have a cart, and a key and some puzzle pieces with a 12 letter word and....CHRISSY WINS IMMUNITY.

Ben asks, then who is it going to be knowing Ryan has an idol?  They decide Joe but have to pitch it to Joe and Mike as Devon, Mike and Joe will vote for Ryan while Lauren,  and Ashley vote for Ben with her extra vote.  I still don't think this makes sense but Joe and Mike stand there taking a sand bath saying okey dokey.

Chrissy and Ryan talk to Ben and inform him that they want Ashley or Lauren to go.  Ben tells Ryan if he had an idol, he's play it tonight.  

Lauren and Ashley talk about how crazy it would be to take Ben to the final.  Ashley tells Devon that she's considering an alternative and maybe they should take Ben out.  Devon is all WHAAAAAT? He can't figure out if that's a good idea or a bad idea so he has to think about it.  

Tribal

Mike is totally loving this new game because he's playing with the cool kids and "my tribe vibes me"

Chrissy is excited to have immunity

Joe is all excited too because he is now part of a VERY STRONG alliance of 5

Ben is still acting and says "oh, I'm  prolly going home"

Joe says again it was NEVER a real alliance of 7 and he takes a lot of joy out of seeing those 3 on the bottom

Ben says, the coconuts are still on the bottom

Mike says not true, we all share everything and we know everything that is going on

Ryan points out this is the same thing he was saying when Joe was calling bullshit

Mike says, yea but out 5 is better than your 7 ever was

Devon says there's a new plan every tribal.

Ashley says it's more insane than you think when watching from home

Chrissy says there is always hope and you just have to keep looking for the cracks.

Joe says he's totally comfortable this vote!  He trusts the 5!!!

Ben says that's what every comfortable alliance member thinks.

Vote, and Ryan plays his idol

Ryan 2, Ashley 3 and Joe goes home finally!!

Hello Survivor peeps!!  Today I have 2 updates for you.  I was going to do one last week but I was only thinking of YOU ALL and how busy you might be stuffing your turnkey and I didn't want to interrupt you.  

Soooo.  2 weeks ago Jess the Virgin was voted off, and although they had merged is not the first member of the jury.  Which will suck for Cole when he shortly joins her and has no cuddle buddy to dry hump.  There is at present a Hero/Hustler alliance.  

Cole is mad about the no cuddling at Ponderosa thing.  Joe is also upset that he didn't see it coming and perhaps he isn't the greatest player of all time.  He says "Now you're playing with the Devil".  

Ben and Lauren are continuing to play together.  But they know their margins are so close that "one individual can mess this all up".  Lauren then finds the paper hidden in the nails that Cole and apparently everyone else missed.  She hides it and it's a secret advantage that allows her to secretly not vote one week and hold use an extra vote another time.  

Reward Challenge:  2 teams, they have to get up a tower and fling sandbags at 5 targets.  Everyone has to go once before they can switch people out.  Wanna know?  Be taken to a private island for a spaghetti dinner.  They do a random draw and Joe is not chosen but he automatically gets to go to the spaghetti dinner.  The blue team including Chrissy, JP, Ryan, Cole and Devon win the challenge.  

At the dinner they learn that it's being served family style, one big plate of pasta and salad and a big loaf of bread.  They eat individually, can eat as much as they want but there's only what's on the table to share.  Joe gets to decide what order they eat in.  He has Devon for first which is risky but he eats as much as he wants.  Under the plate is an idol clue for back at camp.  Devon misses is as does JP.  Cole finds the clue.  Chrissy is next and she finds the clue.  She dumps the spaghetti into the napkin and puts it back on the plate so hopefully people won't see the clue on the table.  Ryan is next and he finds the clue.  He also hauls off and buries the plate.  While Joe is eating they are all laying around and Chrissy, who can't just shut her pie hole for once, whispers with Ryan about the clue.  Cole hears them and knows they know about the clue.  

Back at camp, Cole goes off to pee and Ryan rushes down to dig up the clue.  He stuffs it in his pants and tells Chrissy to cover up the hole under the team flag.  Cole sees that and jumps in the hole fighting with her.  She yells for help and basically the rest of the team gets into the digging in the sand routing.  Ryan just stands there with the idol in his pants.  Ben accuses Cole of having it because he was seen tucking his shirt into his pants.  Cole now has a giant target on his back.  

Immunity Challenge:  Stand on a balance beam balancing a statue.  Cole wins immunity and ain't nobody happy.  

Ben decides they need to split the vote 4/3 between Joe and Desi.  Cole tells Joe and Mike that he doesn't have an idol.  Joe is upset but begins to think about how to sway a vote away.  He goes to work on Devon telling him that Ben is too strong and is too big of a threat.  Ben actually sees them talking.  

Ben confronts Joe who starts pushing Ben's buttons by saying he has sworn on the marine's name to people".  This is apparently not a good thing to say because Ben gets really angry and yells at Joe, who is such a dick that he keeps pressing the buttons.  Desi once again hopes Joe knows what he is doing.  Lauren blows Ben's plan up by revealing her secret advantage and telling him she is going to save her vote for another time.  Ben now has to scramble so he makes an overture to always clueless Mike who FOR GOD SAKE NEEDS TO CLEAN HIS GLASSES!!!  Maybe he wouldn't be so clueless if he could freaking see.  Mike isn't sure why Ben would need him but he thinks it's his chance to move up.  

Tribal

Joe was there heat after last tribal?  Of course, Jeff, because Ben is running the game.

Ben says he just is fortunate to have a bunch of people who has his back and whose back he also has

Cole says that the healers are the target and that there is no point in trusting the heroes.  

Joe brings up the marines thing which sets Ben off.

Ben says he would never swear on the marines

Chrissy steps in and tells Joe to STFU

Ashley says something about whether Joe is really good at survivor or just and asshole

Mike wakes up and realizes they are at tribal and mumbles something about fearing he can't trust anyone

Ben apologizes and hints at his veteran story and how he say things and has to work to control his anger.  And if you weren't paying attention to this warm up for his final tribal plea for the million bucks, shame on you.

Desi basically says they're all liars.

Devon says something about the game stripping you down and he doesn't want to be a zombie but wants to go back to being the bright light he used to be.  

Jeff says some bullshit and it's time to  vote.

Vote: Ben gets 1, Lauren gets 1, Desi and Joe each get 4 so there is a tie, and apparently no one knows how to count because Lauren didn't vote.  They revote and Desi goes.  WHY not take out Joe?  I have no idea.  

Jeff says there are a lot more roller coaster loops to come.  

LAST WEEK

Ok, so to recap Mike and Ryan have idols.  There is a 7 person alliance but Mike did vote with the majority.  

Mike voted for Joe but Desi ended up going home.  He now needs to throw another healer under the bus. 

Ryan tells Devon he has an idol in his pants.  It's apparently unusual for Ryan to have anything of substance in his pants.  Devon is all psyched that they are still best buddies.  

Reward Challenge:   

They follow refrigerator challenge magnets were used:

Swim

Jump off something high into the water

Dive and until buoys

Gets keys

Play basketball.

Wanna know?  A cruise with food.  Which the red team wins : Chrissy, Cole, JP, Joe and Mike.  LOL, my notes said M and it took me a while to remember loser Mike.  

Chrissy would rather be with her friends instead of the 3 people on the bottom but at least she's here to hear what they are saying.  Joe never stops looking for idols or clues and starts cutting into the cake all over to see if there is a clue.  The boat cruises by the beach and the non-reward winners moon them.  

Ryan takes the opportunity to talk to Ben.  He tells him he has an idol in his pants.  Ben is thrilled because that means Cole doesn't have it.  He tells Ryan the 7 have to stick together.  

Since Joe can't find an idol he turns to plan B to be such a dick people want to keep him until the end.  He starts fights with Ashley and Chrissy. Chrissy gets up and leaves so he keeps up with Ashley telling her she is the ideal goat people will want to take along to the end.  Ashley calls Joe a bully. 

Ben decides Ryan with an idol could be dangerous.  He talks to Devon about what happens next after they are just 7.  He tells Devon he totally wants to go the the end with him.  Devon jumps at the chance and then Ben says that Devon is about to find out things other people are holding secret.  Like what things?  Ben tells him, because I trust you, Ryan told me he has an idol.  Devon plays all surprised but in reality he is upset that Ryan told the secret to someone else.  Devon is therefore in Ben's lair.  

Immunity Challenge. Yawn, it's another balance thing.  Except they are bent over in a squat with a pole over their shoulders and they have only a limited amount of up or down they can move before they raise a flag and are out.  It comes down to Lauren and Cole and happily Lauren wins immunity.  

Cole is going home, they all decide BUT there is still a missing idol.  Ben decided on a 4-3 split between Cole and Mike.  Ashley is PISSED OFF that they aren't going after Mike who is strong and could find another idol because he never stops looking.  Ashley and Chrissy talk about how Ben is steam rolling the game.  

Mike ask Ben who it is and Ben tells him to vote for Cole.  Mike doesn't know if he can trust Ben so he decides he has to do something.  Mike talks to Joe and they decide there is a change to sway someone and get Ben out.  

Chrissy tries to work on Ben about how horrible Joe is.  Ben says he is trying to flush an idol from Mike but Chrissy is more worried about a new idol entering the game and Joe finding it.  Ben wants to keep Joe because everyone hates him.  Chrissy says it's Ben's way or the highway.  

Tribal

Mike tells Joe to follow his lead

Joe says the game is lost for him as Mike, Cole and he are "out of the roundtable"

Cole agrees  AND he's now not getting laid at Ponderosa

Chrissy says the vibe at camp is difficult with Joe and his non stop insults

Mike steps in with this crap about justifiable moral code but says everyone is complaining but they never actually vote for Joe.  He goes on some strange thing about America and the statue of liberty and the british and it's just nonsense.

And when he finishes he looks like he's waiting for Jeff to praise what he says and....crickets

Lauren points out that they are playing the GAME OF SURVIVOR and basically tells him to shut up

Chrissy says they need to do what's right to set up next week

Cole says he talks that to mean he could screw their game up

Joe says it's sad that none of them are actually playing the game but are waiting until the final 7 are left

Ashley points out that in fact there is a lot going on and the game is in fact being played

Ben points out that in Survivor 2-3 relationships will get you to the end but Joe's problem is his mouth gets him in trouble

Everyone erupts in side talk and then Chrissy says, OK, Jeff we just want to vote now.

Vote?  Mike, still on his I am America meme only he understands says "America isn't going home tonight" and he plays his idol which is clearly the biggest thing to ever happen in his life and he keeps looking at Jeff with his dirty glasses waiting for Jeff to be all impressed with him.  

Vote:  Ben 1, Mike 2 and Cole gets 5 and is off to a lonely jury stay.    And I really don't think Mike understands he didn't have to play his idol.  

Survivor: Where is the Blooming Onion???

Hellooooooo!!  And yes, I am still alive and watching Survivor!  Yes, I missed 2 updates and no I am not going to write 3 episodes up today!  Suffice it to say my girl, Chrissy is a tough mamma who has escaped 2 tribals on the block now and has bested both Roark and Ali.  I'm still not spending the pool money early on her though!!

Last week's RIBEYE, LAVA CAKE AND OCEAN FILLING DIARRHEA was brought to you by OUTBACK STEAK.  Mmmmmmmm.

So, they are in these mixed up tribes right now, and maybe or may not be forming "new alliances".  Will the old tribal ones stick or will these new ones stick?  Or is this a season where every vote is an alliance buster?  

Cole says their tribe has GREAT CHEMISTRY and will always be together, for ever and ever and ever.  Ben still thinks Cole and Jess are too close and play too much pattycake laying on the beach every day.  So although they are in his original alliance, he's not trusting them.  

On whatever team Ashley and Devon are on, they are STARVING.  Too bad you can't eat Joe's bullshit.  Devon is hardly able to move his ass he's so hungry.  

Aaaaaaand, drop your buffs we are merged!  Which normally means food but Jeff has to be the little jokester saying it's not normal this time.  IT'S OUTBACK STEAK TIME!!!  Personally, I'd be all "WHERE THE FUCK IS THE BLOOMIN ONION???"  But they all seem to be happy with steak, potato and lave cake.  A few of them order 2 steaks which if you have ever watched this show before can be dangerous to starving people.  Like I said, that ocean front location is gonna have a lot of brown water in it tomorrow.  Best to be the first up to use the bathtoilet.  

So at the feast, Chrissy has her first meeting with obnoxious Joe who spurts out how he had to use an idol.  Someone asks which color it was which gives at least Chrissy the idea that he may have found a second idol at the last beach. Chrissy also starts chatting with Ben again about their alliance and he's like "SHHHHHHHHH!!!!!  TALK TO ME LATER IN SECRET YOU IDIOT".   Ben says he has no formal alliances with anyone now that the playoffs have started and that there are gonna be "blindsides, lies and lots of cryin".  

They appear to be at a new camp supplied by Home Depot with anything anyone could ever need.  Including a bunch of nails with a clue in the package that Cole misses.  No idea what happened to the clue or if anyone found it.  

So, here's the math which makes up the rest of the episode discussions.  There are 4 Heroes, 5 healers and 3 hustlers left.  Which means if they are sticking with original tribes means 2 of the tribes need to work together.  Jess figures out they need at least 2 more to have the needed 7 votes, since there are 12 people.  Ryan and Devon are back as the old bromance (although I think Devon has grown up a bit) and they discuss the need for a merger with the heroes to get their numbers.  

Devon and Lauren talk about how everyone will want them.  Devon wants to get out healers.  

It begins to shake down between getting rid of Cole or Joe because one is annoying and one is too strategic.  Ben doesn't trust Cole and thinks he is selfish the way he just eats food, like his eating the cinnamon sticks.  Ben says something to Jess who has to have another talk with her idiot "boyfriend"  about it.  She admits that Ben said something about it.  

Mike realized he is not in fact the Survivor mastermind, and that OTHER PEOPLE ARE ALSO PLAYING!!  He starts worrying if his Healer 5 will hold together.  Mike talks to Cole and tells him that he's on the top of the to go list.  

Immunity Challenge

It's kinda cool.  They have to hold this big circle with a ball inside, keeping the ball going around and then stepping down a ramp with one foot.  You have to pay attention and not listen OR respond to Jeff's gibberish like Mike does and gets his ass gone quickly.  At the end Desi wins immunity!

So back on the beach it's all hands on deck to figure out who are the 7 votes needed.  Cole knows he is in trouble so he talks to Ben and apologizes for being a jerk.  Ben says he didn't want to call him out and Cole says "I wish you would!  How else will I learn?"  Ben thinks Cole has been annoying the whole time out and that tactically it might make sense to take him out.  

Cole and Joe say they are both targets Cole though says he has this 5 vote pact with Ben to which Joe asks basically "You trust Ben??"  

Cole talks to Mike, Lauren and Devon about Chrissy being a big threat He says if they have 5 healers the hustlers they can take her out.  

Lauren tries to figure out where Ben is about Chrissy but Ben wants Cole.  Chrissy holds court on the beach and they discuss Cole but they play it like it's Joe so he plays his idol.  What if Cole has an idol??  The next best person then is Jess.  

Tribal.  Wow, Jeff is still getting paid extra to say that fire is life crap!  Still a few that haven't been to a tribal at the merge.  

Jeff discusses the 5/4/3 split from the original tribes.  Ryan says yes, those numbers are correct but there have been maybe other alliances made.

Joe rejects the notion that all 12 people are really nervous about going home.  He calls bullshit on that.

There is a discussion about why saying "I'm not worried" is good because then it tells your alliance you trust them.  Cole steps up and says "I trust you and I'm not worried". 

Lauren says something about voting for physical threats

Chrissy says something about not just voting for physical threats

Joe says he is basically the best Survivor player of all time but he is not the only threat out there.  He talks about people now voting together for each vote but "it's deuces next time"

Mike says he is clearly at the bottom of the healers so it might quickly be deuces for him.

Joe says he didn't just find one idol he found 2 and pulls the second out and puts it around his neck.  

Cole, who really just is a boob who likes like a deer in the headlights says, well it was between Joe and me but now he's safe.

Ben says BATTLELINES ARE BEING DRAWN.....

Time to Vote, and Joe uses his idol for himself.  

Chrissy gets 5 votes.....and Jess gets 7 and is the first member of the jury where she will wait anxiously for lover boy to get his dumb ass voted off.

Jeff, whose contract says he gets the last word:  It's not always about who goes home but new alliances that form.......

Survivor Double Header!

Simone was voted off at the end of episode 2, and she apparently left all of her clothes which include thigh high boots, and a strange leisure suit.  So, tell me, I thought they only got to carry their little survivor satchel. Where was all of this clothing??  Remember the olden days when they got one luxury item??  Ryan and Patrick try on her clothes and discuss why they like Ali waaaay more than the fisherman, Lauren.  Which is soooo hard to understand when Ali jumped off the boat and decided to only wear a pink push up bra for the next 39 days.  

Lauren and Ali chat in the toilet/ocean, while Lauren scrubs out her armpits.  Lauren is a single mother who feels like she's the only adult on the tribe.  Lauren wants Patrick gone after his saying MOST people can be trusted at the last tribal.  Ali is an ally of Patrick, thinks he is strong but also stupid and hard to control.  

Crissy and Ben are happily driving the train and are discussing who goes next?  They think Alan is a hot head but JP is clueless.  At least JP catches fish.  Ashley is still hot for JP, who she thinks is more of a provider than Alan.  But, they have to hide their relationship because of Alan.  She wants Alan gone so they can get back to flirting.  Ashley talks to Ben about Alan, keeps working the JP angle.  Ben thinks JP is like a puppy but Ashley points out he could be their puppy.  Ben reads the whole thing as a continuation of the power couple play and it kind of works against her.

On the Healer tribe, everything is GREAT!!  Everyone is HAPPY!!!  Except Joe is worried about Jessica and Cole getting too close.  Fishing apparently is their secret "alone time".  Jessica reveals that she is from a super religious background and is a virgin.  Why someone from a super religious background would want to go on a half nude reality show is one of life's puzzlements.   During their alone time, Cole tells Jessica that Mike doesn't have the idol, which he knows because Joe does.  He thinks she is his dream girl.  She is so excited that he shared his secret with her that she kisses him on the cheek!  

Patrick is relentless about searching for an idol. Ryan realizes it is making people paranoid.  Patrick has idol fever.  He owns a moving company and works harder than anyone else.  Hmmm.  Personally I think he stands around bullshitting while his underpaid workers do the moving.  Ali also realizes Patrick is a putz and tries to talk to him about his lack of social game and his relentless idol searching.  Ultimately Patrick decides he has to be himself!  So, you do asshole buddy.  

Joe is annoying everyone by being picky about food.  He thinks the potatoes are undercooked so he spits them out.  Desi think he's rubbing people the wrong way.  Cole decides he doesn't like Joe having an idol and he and Jessica discuss blindsiding him.  Cole "word vomits" to basically most of the tribe that Joe has an idol and they should use the element of surprise to blindside him.  Jessica is freaking out because it's too soon to start talk about a blindside.  He tells Roark who is full in, and he also tells Desi.  Jessica is pissed off.  

Immunity Challenge:

Obstacles, sand bags to knock blocks off a high bar, build a tower with the blocks.  Wanna know?  Ist place is chickens, second is 12 eggs.

During the sandbag tossing part of the event, Patrick won't let someone tag in.  Lauren is pissed because she has played baseball for ever.  

The heroes get the chickens, the healers get the eggs and Patrick made the hustlers lose and go to tribal.  

Lauren is pissed.  Patrick finds her in the toilet ocean and she confronts him with why he didn't tag out.  Tells him she played ball.  Says he was a one man team.  She asks if she's the one going home and he is all grinning and lying saying he doesn't know.  She calls him on it and he's just a douche nozzle about it.  Lauren decides she has to work it hard to save her ass.  

Lauren tells Ali what a douche nozzle Patrick was to her, just grinning at her even though he lost the challenge.  Ali starts to wonder if it's worth dragging a douche nozzle around with her.  Lauren, in her infinite wisdom talks to Ryan and literally says, "hey you're an oddball and I'm the old lady we should work together". LOL!!  Ryan and Devon decide they are in charge.  Devon makes the argument for going into the merge with Lauren because she's steady.  Weakling Ryan, who Lauren could literally kick his ass, is all worried about being strong and keeping Patrick for strength.  He also thinks Lauren doesn't fit into the tribe.  

Tribal

Lauren starts right in on the loss and how whatever they are doing isn't working.  Points to Patrick right away as the one who took the game as his own

Patrick says he sees her concern and that he shouldn't have been a douche nozzle.  

Lauren again repeats that she used to be the female Ty Cobb of baseball.  

Patrick says he was experiencing an adrenaline RUSH throwing the sandbags.

Lauren says, "I understand that SON, but we lost...

Ali says she isn't dwelling on the past but is focused on the future. 

Patrick is all happy to not be held at all accountable.

Lauren also points out that Patrick is a good idol hunter, says that she hasn't looked yet

Patrick grins like a fool and says it's a relief that she hasn't looked.  

Lauren thinks one of them will be blindsided.  

Jeff starts to ask Ryan something about "you know when you are in a relationship..." and Ryan stops him to say he's never been in a relationship.  "Ya know anyone??"  

Ryan admits that this is really not a happy or successful group.  

Devon pipes up that their chemistry is bad and he's voting to improve the chemistry of the tribe,

Lauren says she is doing the same to keep the tribe rolling and to make them better

Ryan states that they really need to be strong socially at the merge

Patrick states that he is good at making friends so he should stay

Ali asks, if that's true, why can't he get along with Lauren??

Patrick is douche nozzley smiling and saying he welcomes the criticism and it's a wake up call and a time to grow up

Ryan says this is a watershed moment for the tribe and after this vote they will have real unity.

Vote:

Patrick 3, Lauren 1.  Dude wasn't even a good idol hunter!!

BUT WAIT, THERE'S ANOTHER WEEK TO DISCUSS!!!!!

Bang, right out of the gate, DROP YOUR BUFFS!!  They are being divided into 3 new tribes, so not really a merge.  

On the new red tribe (they have names but does anyone give a shit??):

Jessica

Cole

Mike

Lauren

Ben 

On the new blue tribe:

Ashley

Alan

Joe

Desi

Devon

And on the Yellow tribe:

Ryan

Ali 

Crissy

JP 

Roark      

So, an interesting mix of teams!  They get to do a challenge for PB&J and potato chips.  

3 of each team are tied to ropes and they have to basically unbraid themselves, do an over under thing, and more unbraiding.  Finally hook a sled and pull in puzzle pieces, then do a puzzle.

The new yellow team, wins.  Ben says it'sa comfort they can all work together but there is a 3:1:1 ratio and he has a target on his back.  

Back at camp they are all introducing themselves and eating their sammies when Jessica finds a "special advantage" in her chip bag.  It gives her the power to block one person from voting at tribal, or give it to someone on the losing tribe. She tells Cole about it.  And Cole runs around like an idiot telling Ben and Lauren in some attempt to gain their trust.  Lauren isn't sure it it's bullshit or not but she decides to use the info.  

Roark is alone on the new tribe.  I actually forgot there was a Roark.  Ryan sees an advantage of reminding Crissy that he gave her the initial special advantage.  She asks why her? And he tells her he got a good vibe.  Crissy thinks maybe he has some Freudian complex and really wanted to play with his mother.  LOL.

Devi and Joe realize that Devon is the swing vote.  Ashley is less than thrilled to be with crazy Alan.  They talk and he kind of apologizes to her but not really.  They both realize they need to work together to get rid of one of the healers.  Desi and Joe talk to Devon and Joe comes out like a bull in a china cabinet telling Devon that the 2 heroes have already talked to him in an attempt to get them to agree to vote him out.  Joe admits he'll lie to get what he wants.  

Jessica and Cole are all giddy to be together and Lauren mentions to Ben that they are always together.  Lauren asks Mike if there was an advantage yesterday?  He says no and she tells him, "Oh, I heard there was one in a chip bag".  Mike tells Jessica that they know about the advantage and she gets all pissed off and confronts Cole.  He sheepishly admits that he told Ben and says he is sorry.  She is livid because he is a dumb ass that can't hold a secret for a day and he really hurt her use of the advantage.  She is upset that she formed a relationship with someone she shouldn't have.  

Immunity Challenge

Carry a crate of puzzle pieces through a table obstacle, under a net, and untie the pieces, some how there is a lock and a key in this sequence, and then do the puzzle.  Ali has no shirt again.  

The red tribe is 1, yellow is 2 and the blue tribe is going to tribal.  Jessica has the advantage and her goal is to help the healers.  

Devon is clearly the swing vote.  Ashley talks to him and he's kind of stand offish because as he tells her, Joe told him they want him out.  She says that's not true and Devon thinks Joe is a sketchy dude.  He says he felt like he was talking to a used car salesman the entire time.  Joe is a snake.  Desi oversees this and tells Joe she saw Devon and Ashley talking and then hugging.  Joe decides he has to use the idol and make sure they target him not Desi.  He goes all asshole on the tribe and gets into it with Alan.  Alan takes the bait and says "someone is going home BRO, and you just put your name out there".  Joe says he is voting for Ashley.  Alan asks what makes Desi stronger than Ashley?

Desi is upset because Joe just blew everything up.  Joe tells her he has an idol but she says "yea but now I'm the target".  She asks him to play the idol for her because he came out all confident and they probably know he has an idol.  

Devon gets the secret advantage.  I think something was left out of the editing here and that either Joe or Desi got the advantage to GIVE to Devon.  Thoughts?

Tribal

Alan has a mean face and he says "people were anxious to get to tribal and get this started"

Joe says he was anxious and already threw Ashley's name out.

Ashley-his actions might effect him tonight

Desi says she got thrown under the bus as well.

Joe says he got information from it all, thank you Alan

Devon says he is the swing vote and has to decide who he can work with

Joe says Alan wants me out-there are no cracks in the whole heroes tribe for Devon to fit in.

Alan says Joe is just scratching and clawing like a guy going over a cliff

Time to vote?  Devon says he has a special advantage but as he reads it, he realizes it isn't as special advantage for him, and his vote isn't going to count.  

Any idols?  Joe pulls it out and...... decides to play it for himself.  

Vote is 2 Alan. 2 Joe and Alan is off the island.  Joe tells Ashley "I read your face, thank you baby girl".  

Jeff says, You can make plans but the Survivor Gods don't care about your plans".  Deep, blue eyes, deep. Man, I need a drink after all this!!!  Have a good Survivor Wednesday people!!  

Survivor Week 2

Welcome to week 2's update!  How are you all doing?  Everyone figure out who their contestant is?  After last week, you are officially stuck with your losers.  

Last week ended with an Olympian going home to keep the tribe strong.  Chrissy did not use the special idol but intends to use is as a "decoy" idol.  Alan was not expecting tribal to be so crazy, although he did everything in his power to make it so.  He's pleased with himself because he created the "power couple" suspicion.  Yea, you also created the "Alan is a crazy mofo" suspicion but, hey, enjoy your time there!  

Ashley thinks Alan is nuts.  She talks to Cowboy Ben and Chrissy after tribal and tells them there is no power couple!  Ben isn't sure who to trust but he knows the alliance of 4 is done.  

Over on Hustlers the Devon and Ryan bromance continues.  I literally expect one of them to utter "I wish I knew how to quit you" as they are voted off.  Devon actually said "I only smile when I talk strategy with you".  Ryan states that no one is connecting with Simone because she is "weird", which is hilarious on this tribe!  And, due to awesome editing, we get to see Simone coming out of the water toilet and talking about finally being able to take am aqua dump.  They tell her it is probably her super power.  You know, I have been thinking for the last 10 seasons that all of those scenes where they are all out in the water hanging and talking, that they were also shitting but learning it's true is disgusting.  Yea, makes sure those fishing kits given out as "rewards" come with as shit load of Clorox.  

Back to Simone, who says she is not an outdoors person, can't figure out how to turn on the camp air conditioning, yet she is good under pressure.  To prove herself she guts a fish with the knowledge she googled.  Ali is trying to work with Simone, because she thinks she's a useful idiot.  Ali tries to give her a motivational speech.  Speaking of Ali, is there an official padded bra of Survivor?  These ladies are all rocking the slightly padded, molded cup wonders.  Hey Donna Barnette-might be a marketing idea for you!  Ali's is pink and might I add fits her like a glove!  

On Healers, Jessica and Cole are continuing their flirtation.  " I think she's supercute but she's 30 so I guess she wouldn't go for a hot buff body with a 8 pack like me".  LOL!!!  Seriously dude, as long as you don't live in your parent's basement I think you have a shot!  Desi, the African American woman who neither my husband or I remembered ever seeing on episode 1 is apparently a former Miss Virginia.  2013 and 2016 under some strange system change.  Joe and Mike joke about being on the wrong tribe because everyone other than them are beautiful.  Joe is kinda bonding with Mike but he doesn't want to because he wants to be the alpha non trusting asshole type of player.  He's having a hard time idol searching because his scam is to try and make everyone else thing Mike has the idol but he does run into the jungle looking while everyone else is flirting.  He finds a clue on a tree and finds Cole to ask him about it.  He thinks the clue refers to the raft on the beach, so he tells Cole about it and says "I figured you had already found the idol, WHICH IS OK"  in his best passive aggressive voice.  Cole goes back to the tree and helps Joe figure out the clue is for the well and they find the clue together.  Joe is happy for 5 seconds before declaring Cole has too much knowledge now and "I might have to put a target on his back".  

JP goes fishing and gets a lobster!!  The heroes are all thrilled to eat it, even without melted butter.  He states that he and Ashley aren't a couple for several reasons, mostly because he isn't getting any.  So that romance thing is on the back burner.  

Chrissy decides she needs a partner and goes shopping.  She and JP joke that no one would consider them a power couple, hahahah, because she's so FREAKING OLD you know.  She decides not to pursue him because he's not that smart.  She also doesn't really trust Ashley and we KNOW Alan is crazy so she talks to Cowboy Ben and they decide they are the perfect NON power couple because she's strategic and he's social.  He agrees to forgo his original manly alliance with Alan.

Devon begins the day with yoga on Hustlers.  They then find a crab and Patrick gets all nuts playing with it and yelling.  Crabs scare him but he decides he needs to loudly conquer that fear.  He says he is a "wild banshee" and his strategy is to keep everyone having FUN!!!  Which would be a good strategy if he wasn't a) redheaded and 2) fucking annoying.  (Sorry about the F-bomb Donna's Mom Betty!  But he really is more than non-f-bomb annoying)  .  Lauren isn't thrilled with Patrick as he is getting on her nerves.  She thinks he is a 25 year old boy who needs to be told to SIT STILL and dial the volume down from 10 to 2.  Lauren is not what one would consider a ball of fun!  She is fisherwoman and I assume spends looooong hours alone.  The social part of the game is difficult for her and she tries to worm her way in with Ali, because nothing says PARTY GIRL like a pink bra!  Ali is surprised that Patrick's name is coming up as someone to go home so early yet she is getting tired of babysitting him.

Immunity Challenge

It's a swim thing.  Dive in, untie puzzle pieces, slide them through a cage and put together a cool sign post puzzle.  Wanna know?  Fishing kits.  With poop scooping nets.

Ali and Simone are doing the puzzle and although they get there first, they suck.  Or as Jeff said "IF IT WAS EASY IT WOULD NOT BE SURVIVOR".  Look for that little gem to show up on a puzzle some day!

The healers come back from last to win first immunity.  Heroes are second and the hustlers are going to tribal.. Devon thinks Simone is least valuable and has to go.  For some added drama, editing makes it appear to be between useless Simone and Annoying Patrick.  

Simone apologizes back at camp and laments how they were all bonding so well and someone has to go home.  She decides she has to shape the narrative around Patrick being annoying and not trustworthy.  She talks to Lauren and Ali, and Lauren agrees that although he is strong, he can't follow instructions for shit.  And he's a redhead.  

Patrick talks to Ryan about how they are both safe and how it's clearly Simone.  Patrick tells Ali it's Simone and she's like, OK.  

Ali talks to Ryan about Patrick and he says NO WAY, we'd lose every challenge.  She points out that they can control Simone but Patrick is a loose cannon.  Ryan agrees that Patrick is like a newborn that you have to watch constantly.  

Tribal:  Get fire

What's the vibe Ryan?  It's sad that we lost.  This is like a birthday party for the kid no  one likes that no one wants to go to.

Lauren says it's more like a funeral!

Ali gets to be the one to say "yes Jeff, trust is important" 

Patrick is asked about the fact that everyone who is voted off somehow impacts your game. He agrees but STRENGTH!

Ryan says it's physicality, social dynamics and that there are 6 agendas and one plan.

Simone argues that the old school is just about challenges but now it's more social dynamic

Ali says this vote will show where everyone stands

Patrick says "trust is huge, I can trust MOST here", which is apparently a huge faux pas and everyone gets all bent out of shape that he didn't say ALL.  He mumbles how he meant ALL but no one is buying it.  He says he's now nervous but he's trustworthy and wants to stay.  

Simone also says she wants to be here 100% even if the air conditioning doesn't work.

Vote:  1 Patrick. 4 Simone.  

Survivor: And we are off!

Hello and welcome to Season 35 of AMERICA'S LONGEST RUNNING SOCIAL EXPERIMENT (TM).  This season again begins on a boat, and teams (are they still called tribes?) are divided into 3:  Heroes, Healers and Hustlers (not the pervy magazine kind, unfortunately).  We first meet Ben who is a marine, and therefore a hero.  Also on that team is Chrissy who is a mom.  And therefore also a hero.  She's also 46 and AN OLD LADY.  The healers are people who, HEAL.  And we are introduced to Cole who is a hot although childbait Wilderness Therapy Guide.    Mike is a nerdy sex doctor.  Basically he's also 43 but no one will say a word about HIM being old.  Finally, the hustlers are people who "get shit done".  Alli is a personal assistant to someone on Youtube, because that is now a job.  Ryan is a bellhop, a geek and a chronic masturbater.  I've also read on social media that his claim to fame is wearing a turtleneck on Survivor and would like to correct that-he's wearing a MOCK TURTLE.  

So, they have a few minutes to grab supplies from the big boat and then go to their little boats when Jeff gets to ring the bell.  In a twist they paddle to shore, and hold one person up to get fire from high up torches.  Team 1 gets a fully stocked fire kit, team 2 gets flint and team 3 gets nothing.  Personally?  I like watching the ding dong try to make fire without help.  What evs.  There's also a secret advantage.

Everyone grabs shit and throws it overboard where about 80% of it appears to sink and very little supplies end up in the little boats.  Ryan finds the secret and shoves it down his pants.  The hustlers take off paddling and GETTIN IT DONE the wrong way.  Healers get the fire, heroes get the flint and the hustlers are lost at sea.  

Healers arrive at camp and find a big fire. We meet Roark who is a social worker, Jessica who is a nurse practitioner who thinks Cole is hot.  They're all standing around saying how they are gonna be the winning team because they are so awesome.  And then we meet Joe, who is a probation officer and an asshole.  "I wanted a tribe I could manipulate.  They're my victims".  He's like a little TONY.  

Heroes we meed Ashley who is a lifeguard and has the hots for JP, a firefighter who is in agreement.  They bond and immediately discuss bringing in Cowboy (Ben) as a group aligned.  Alan is an NFL player and do not fucking get me started on how that makes him a hero.  He's kind of an asshole too which makes sense since he played for the Cowboys.  He talks to Ben and they agree they need STRENGTH.  Alan right away gets it up his ass that JP and Ashley are aligned and he starts shit stirring immediately.  But, he agrees to an alliance with them so he doesn't have to be with the MOM SQUAD, Chrissy (46) and Kristina who is a freaking olympian but 46 as well.  

On Hustlers they land on their beach and as far as I can tell the women all strip down to bras and panties to build shelter.  Ok, well NOT Lauren who is a meaty fisherman.  There's a redheaded guy named Patrick that is going to sunburn like nobody's business.  He's a small business owner and seems to be aligning with Ali.  Ryan wanders off to check his advantage which is a post vote play immunity good only for the first tribal, and if his team isn't going to tribal he has to will it to someone who is anonymously.  

Healer Mike says his 10 year old told him to look for an idol, so he goes to find "firewood" and scopes around.  Joe gets his jock in a wad over this and bullying like confronts Mike about looking and possibly finding an idol.  Tells Mike he's SUSPECT and Mike thinks he's a bully. 

Hustler Devon is a surf instructor and Ryan thinks a really good guy so they bond and Ryan tells him about his advantage.  Devon suggests Ryan not run around telling everyone about the advantage.  

On Heroes, NFL non-hero Alan is obsessed with JP and Ashley.  At night he confronts them about JP having an idol and JP is basically forced to drop his pants to prove he doesn't have an idol.  I literally hate this bullying shit.  

Immunity Challenge:  Climb up a cargo net to a tower, pull a cart up to the tower, ride the cart down like a roller coaster, pick one of  3 table mazes, drag the maze to another tower and do the maze.  WHEW.  Oh, and Jeff announces that ties are back in this season.  Does that mean we don't have to do that rock drawing shit?  

Team 1: Healers

Team 2: Hustlers who also get flint

Team 3: Heroes going to tribal.  

Alan, Ben, Ashley and JP: who's going home?  And then Alan decides "I'm blowing it up" because of Ashley and JP.  Alan then talks to the moms, claims no one is talking to him. He gets them all excited and brings Ben over.  Ben is like WTF?  Alan tells Ben he's with him but doesn't trust Ashley and JP.  On the way to tribal  Chrissy finds the package.

Tribal.  GET FIRE BECAUSE IT REPRESENTS YOUR LIFE IN THIS GAME.  Here, Jeff, have your cookie.

Ben: the game is exciting and scary

Chrissy: I felt I don't belong to this team from the start

Katrina, whose first and last words of the show are "I felt the same"

Ashley: On day 2 we had drama from Alan

Alan: all they do is deny, deny, deny

Ashley: he even make JP strip to prove he doesn't have an idol

Chrissy calls them a power couple

Ashely says "there is no me and JP

Alan: I know what I know

Ben: lets just do what we planned and hash it out later

Alan: I had to take a risk so people know what is going on.  

Vote:

Katrina 5

Ashley 1

The special advantage is unused.  

Survivor BEST EVAH Finale

WOOOOO FUCKING HOOOOOOO!!!!!  Wasn't that the BEST season of Survivor EVAH???  Holy crap, epic, and has there EVER been a more worthy winner than Sarah.  Seriously, they should JUST STOP FILMING the show because NO ONE WILL EVER BE MORE DESERVING as a winner!!!!!

On a totally unrelated note, congrats to Stacy and MOI for winning the pool this season!!!!  

My summary for the last show basically looks like this:

Bang. Immunity Challenge.  Brad wins.  Fuck.

Tribal

Basically EVERYONE plays some kind of idol, and only Cirie is left without one and goes home with loving remarks from Jeff.  

Commercial

BANG.  Immunity Challenge

Brad wins immunity.  Fuckety fuck.

Tribal

Aubry goes home.

Commercial

BANG.  Immunity Challenge.  Jesus, there's no interaction or talking this season!  The good news is we don't have to do the bullshit walk of former torches hall of fame.  

Brad wins immunity.  JESUS FUCKING CHRIST PEOPLE, WHY DIDN'T YOU GET RID OF HIM WHEN YOU HAD THE FLIPPING CHANCE?????

Sarah and Tai are paid by the producers to discuss whether or not to pull a tie and go for fire.  I mean, there has to be some intrigue in this finale.  Ultimately Sarah thinks, what am I nuts to go with fire???  

Tai is voted off.  

Final Tribal with Sarah, Brad, and that other guy.  LOL!  I think Troy gets one question and it's basically, who should win, Brad or Sarah.  

Brad does his attorney thing.  Lots of people shaking heads.  Sarah is basically all, you know I legit beat all of you and the only reason Brad is here is because he's an athlete.  

And TOTALLY SHOCKING TO ME,  the jury votes in the best way possible and SARAH WINS SURVIVOR!!!!!  

WOOOOO FUCKING HOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Thank you Nancy Dudak, official Accountant to Survivor Industries.  Pay up people, I need the money!  

And thank you all for your comments and amusements!  Have a GREAT summer and we'll be in touch next Fall.  

-Elayne

Survivor on Steroids

Tomorrow!  Tomorrow!  I might win tomorrow!  It's only a DAAAAAAAYYYYY AAAAAA WWWAAAAAYYYY!!

Woohoo! The have-never-won Bakers have 2 people still in the game, Tai with 2 immunity idols, and Sarah with an advantage and a vote steal!!  Who wants to bet Tai goes to the jury with those 2 idols in his pocket, and Sarah THE BEST GAME CHANGER OF THIS SEASON, loses??  

So, where are we going into FINALE??  After Sierra was voted off, Sarah looked "shocked", which Aubry pointed out to the other witches of Maku Maku.  They believe it is because, although she voted for her, that she is trying to gather favor on the jury with people she has screwed over.  Or as I call it PLAYING THE FREAKING GAME.  Sarah does get the legacy from Sierra which gives her immunity at 6 remaining people.  Sarah hates Andrea-WHO DOESN'T!  She wants her gone but wants it to be the right time.  

Immunity Challenge.

It's the Brady Bunch JAN, YOUR BRACELET!!! one handed house of card building.  While they begin building Jeff gives them the lowdown that Cochran set a record in this apparent "Survivor Classic" with a 174 minute win.  Blocks and houses are falling faster than an Oklahoma trailer park in a tornado but Aubry is steady as hell.  Until she runs out of blocks and has to go down a few levels and begin again with the 2 blocks leaning against each other style of building.  This works and Aubry gets it done in 6 minutes!!  Aubry barely has the necklace around her neck when Andrea starts talking about getting rid of my girl Sarah.  

Aubry wants Brad to finally go.  She talks to the girls and Michaela is all, wait, I gotta get him to catch some more fish before we shit can him.  She stalks Brad for fish and to make sure he's not looking for an idol.   He's not happy about her asking him to get her fish.  

Andrea starts to lobby for Sarah to go, but Aubry wants Brad.  She tries Ciri but she wants to keep Sarah one more week.  Ciri then tells Sarah that Andrea is gunning for her and Sarah thinks they should get rid of Andrea.  Ciri is weighing the options.

Tribal, and it's not even 8:30 so we are banging through 2 eliminations tonight because no one has had to be medivac'd out this season.  

Aubry says that there have been a lot of names put up tonight

Sarah says that if you trust your support you don't brake what isn't broken.  I love Sarah and always imagine she is like Frances McDormand in Fargo back in her real life.  

Troy, who I can't believe is still hanging around doing basically nothing, says they should use the people at the bottom.

Aubry says it ain't bottom feeding time yet.

Ciri says she was surprised at the lack of any scrambling today

Andrea agrees it was strange that there wasn't any deal making going on

Brad basically says what's the point in talking to Andrea since he's already voted for her twice.  He just hopes one of the other ladies will approach him. 

Sarah hopes the jury will reward a GREAT GAME CHANGER PLAYER, oh and she was just rhetorically asking that for a friend.  

Aubry says people underestimate the emotions of how they were voted out

Tai wakes up from his stupor and says blah blah personal relationships

Andrea,  hilariously, says game play should be rewarded but not people who rub salt by being nice all day and then voting someone out.  I think that's a hint to Sierra.

Michaela's great wisdom for tonight is: tonight is about advancing your group without screwing up your endgame.

They vote, and no idol is played.  Brad gets 2 votes and Andrea goes home with 5.  Aubry says, "nice play".

Jeff gets his required last word:  When all hope is lost, keep talking someone maybe listening.  I think he was misquoting Churchill.  

Back at camp, Ciri checks in with Aubry to see if she is ok.  She says she is but is upset that her ally is gone.  She says her game play is always highs and lows.  Tai sees she is upset and tries to comfort her, which Ciri notices and worries about how Tai plays on people's emotions.  

Bang, another IC.  This one is standing on a pole in the water, using a bucket to fill something and raise a key, swim in and use the key to get..wait for it.....puzzle pieces.  

Let's just cut to the chase.  Brad wins immunity.  Hellooooo people!!  Brad could steal the Baker's pool winnings!! Ciri says she is ready to take someone out who is a threat to her.  

Troy feels vulnerable so he is planning to take his idol to tribal tonight.  The fact that he still HAS an idol is ridiculously bad game play from the women.  Aubry and Tai talk.  Tai has decided he is now ready to make a big boy move and wants to get rid of Sarah.  Aubry wants Tai gone.  Aubry tells Ciri that Tai wants Sarah gone.  Ciri tells Sarah that Tai wants her gone, but Sarah trusts Tai more than she trusts Aubry.  To show how much she trusts Tai, Sarah gives Ciri her steal a vote advantage to "hold", telling her if Sarah goes home then Ciri can keep it but after tonight's tribal Ciri promises to return it.  

Ciri still doesn't trust Tai, and worries Sarah is going home tonight.  She talks with Michaela who also realizes Sarah going home could mess things up so she encourages Ciri to use the steal a vote to save Sarah by taking away her vote.  Ciri also decides to tell Tai what her plan is to save him at Tribal so he won't use his idol.  Ciri begs him to not tell anyone her plan, but now Tai is completely worried that people are targeting him.

Tribal

Sarah says there was a lot of sneaking around and lying going on today and she hopes she knows the truth going into tonight

Ciri agrees that there was a lot fo lying and untrue story telling.  

Michaela says something about only a few people are lying tonight but those that aren't lying aren't being trusted because of their past lying.

Tai doesn't like all of the lying because he is trusting

Troy gets his one line of tonight with "if you say too much it could be deadly.  Even favors can be deadly

Michaela says tonight's choice is between staying with your alliance or making the big move.  It's a time for risk or to just be happy where you are vote.

And then they vote BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! Ciri tells Jeff she wants to play an advantage to expose a rat and save someone.  She announces she is stealing Sarah's vote.

Sarah calmy slaps her down and says, "oh, that's my advantage and it's non transferable".  LOL!!!

Jeff has Ciri read the advantage which says it can't be transfered.  Sarah takes it back and goes to whisper in Tai's ear.  Ciri then whispers to Sarah that she is trying to save her, and Michaela backs this up.  They then get mad that Troy is listening in.  Brad tells Sarah not to believe Ciri and it goes off the rails for a bit.  

Sarah decides to steal Tai's vote.  They vote, no idol is played and MICHAELA goes home.  WHAT??  I did not see that happening!!