Survivor: Ding Dong!

Ahhhhh, I  really don't want this season to end!!!  Finale tonight and I will be watching!!  Especially because....

Ding dong
The witch is dead
Which old witch?
The fucking Brazillian one.

Sooooo, sweet little dufus Carter went last week instead of the horror. Abi thinks they believe that she has an idol.  LOL.  She has to rush off and bury it again while Malcolm and Mike laugh behind her back.  Malcolm's a little worried about Lisa saying she wanted to take people to the finale she can beat. 

Once alone with Lisa, Abi starts working on her.  "you're at the bottom and everyone can beat you".  Lisa is just planning on using her for information. 

Challenge:  Race over a slide twice, run into the ocean, get rings and do a ring toss. Wanna know what you're huffing out into the water for?  A helicopter ride, pizza and a big fish.  Spoiler alert-Mike wins from the very start.  He picks Malcolm and Lisa to go with him but promises Denise all of his food, and Lisa tells her "just leave me the dishes".  LOL, as if they are gonna go back and cook a Thanksgiving meal. 

Abi has the sadz.

Back at camp, it's Denise's worst nightmare.  "It's like a first date with the kid who used to spit on your food in grade school".  And Abi won't shut up!  She thinks Denise is a horrible person.  "I'm the swing  vote and nobody gets that...Next time is my last chance to use the immunity idol..."

Denise: "I want to hang myself".

On the reward, they are on a boat looking for whale sharks.  And eating/drinking.  Apparently Mike hasn't had sugar in 30 years but he downs a couple of "pops" and eats some cookies and is totally wasted. It's pretty funny.  Then the find the giant fish and go snorkeling around it.  Pretty cool.  Afterwards Malcolm starts talking about getting rid of Denise because nobody beats her.  Offers Lisa and Mike final 3.  I'm thinking it's an act to save his own ass. 

Next day, Denise is sick.  She has fang marks on her neck and is totally sore.  Personally, I think it was Abi.  Lisa and Mike pray with her but Abi is relieved. 

Immunity Challenge:  Use the rope bridge, get puzzle pieces and put together a puzzle maze. 

Malcolm is in the lead but at the last minute falls off the rope bridge and has to start over.  Denise is really close on the puzzle but Malcolm comes back and wins.  Oh, and Malcolm honey?  NEVER CUT THAT LONG HAIR OF YOURS.  God, if he can act, maybe Malcolm could play the dude in 50 Shades of Gray!!!  He had long hair redish brown hair.....or at least that's what I remember but I've only read it like 5 times....

So back at camp, and did I ever mention they named the tribe DANGRAYNE?  LOL.  It cracks me up every time.  Anyway, I'm starting my mantra: abiabiabiabiabiabiabiabiabiabiabi,,,,,,

They're sitting around the fire and a giant spark hits Mike. Abi's all SAD. 'I get no credit here".  She tells Mike and Lisa, "you two don't have a change against Malcolm and Denise...take me..." Mike says he'll think about it but OMG 3 more days of her??  Mike and Lisa talk about taking Abi instead of Malcolm or Denise to the finals.  Lisa wants to take Abi along BUT they  need Denise's strength to possibly keep Malcolm from winning the final immunity challenge. 

Denise asks Malcolm for his extra immunity idol, but he tells her "she won't need it".  Hmmmmm. 

At Tribal:

isa tells Jeff that Abi was totally working it today.  Jeff asks Abi if she's in trouble tonight: "you've been detested and laughed out".  LOL!  Abi still thinks they should take her to the end.

Denise: Sure, if you want someone who hasn't outwitted, outlasted or outplayed
Jeff: But she has...
Denise says she was just lucky that the yellow tribe didn't go to tribal, which gets Lisa's hackles up.  "It wasn't luck but hard work and strength that kept us out of tribal".

Malcolm says that at this point in the game, winning takes over your mind. 
Abi:  They can't beat Denise or Malcolm.  Lisa and Mike are not winning. 
Mike starts to talk but Abi interrupts to say, "No, you are an idiot, that's why you are going to lose a million dollars.
Jeff: Wow, you are a total tool.
Abi:  You are a moron, Mike. 
Mike: That's just Abi's way of communicating...
Lisa: I'd take her to the finale....
Malcolm: Keep in mind, people have used that strategy and that horrible person has won.  WHICH IS WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING ALL WEEK!!!
Abi:  It's just my strategy.  Denise is playing to be elite.  She's just here to make friends.
Denise: "Um, NO, I'm here to win a million dollars. 

Time to vote!  Abi, ya wanna play that "idol" of yours?  Apparently NOT. 

Ahhhhhhhh, Abi is voted off.  Mike literally dances away. 
           

Survivor Update: Full on Hating that Bitch

I can't even remember if I blogged last week or not, but bottom line is Abi is in, Penner is out and Abi is still lying about a 4th immunity idol.  And speaking of Abi, can you believe that the Pope's first tweet was"Man, that Abi is a total bitch". 

Ok, so Abi thinks her days are numbered.  She tries to work on Carter , tells him she as an idol.  He's not into her.

Lisa is all confused, as only Lisa can be totally confused every week.  She believes what Penner was saying at the last tribal that Malcolm and Denise are too strong for her to beat.  Mike tries to convince her that Penner was just saying that to get her doubting herself.

Challenge:  Oh, it's the family one.  One by one out comes family members.  Mike's son, Carter's HOT 5 ft tall mom, Denise's husband, Lisa's brother, Abi's mom and Malcolm's brother.  Ok, I'm totally not sure it really was Abi's mom or the maid from the Philippine Hilton.  She no hablo engleeees and has  NO CLUE where she is or what the show is about.  At least Abi didn't haul off and slap her.  Lisa "falls into her brother's arms" and weeps.  Jeff, who now spends his time all estrogen-ed out on the talk show, is all emotional.  GROW A PAIR, JEFF!!!

The survivors throw a muddy ball to their loved one, who in turn throws it to knock down pins.  It's amazingly close, except for Abi and the maid.  Malcolm wins  immunity.  He gets to bring his brother back to camp for the night.  He also gets to bring 2 other couples, and he picks Lisa and Mike. 

Malcolm's brother is kind of a clown, and is telling lots of stories which has Malcolm worried. 

Lisa talks to her bro about everything and he's all "why are you playing nice?"  He asks why she wouldn't vote out Malcolm, and why she, Mike, Abi and Carter don't form an alliance and pick off Denise and Malcolm.  She says "I gave them my word".  "But you tried to vote him off before and he understood".  Lisa's all excited because her brother somehow "gave her permission to play the game". 

Lisa and her bro talk to Mike and his son and they decide to ambush Malcolm.  And then they pray.  'Jesus would look like Malcolm but play like Carter". 

Malcolm's a little nervous something's going on.

Challenge:  Walk across a balance beam to a platform in the water, hook 3 bags, bring them back to shore and build a pole to poke a target. 

It's close except for Abi who is taking her sweet time.  Jeff's totally yelling at her.  I can't figure out if she is actually lame or if she is acting like, "I have an idol so I don't have to rush". 

Bottom line, Malcolm wins immunity and, with the idol he already has, is definitely in the final 4.  Back at camp Lisa is all "when god closes a door..." and "we prayed that God would tell us if this was the right thing".  She's talking to Mike and in the middle of her sermon he just says, "hey look at the huge ass ant".  LOL. 

Mike and Malcolm talk.  Abi or Carter?  Should they go with peace around the camp or strategy?  Carter comes walking up and they tell him what they were talking about. He reminds them that they have always said they didn't want to take the hated person into the finals just to win. 

Abi is at camp being a bitch, as usual.  Denise is all, "can you just give it a damn rest?"  Abi says "I guess I'll just have to play my hidden immunity idol..."  Malcolm calls her a soul sucker, while Mike says she has every psychological condition rolled into 1. 

Abi, business student and future CEO of a large bank: " If you tell a lie long enough, people start to believe it". 

Tribal:
Malcolm says he feels safe but he's glad he has the immunity necklace. 
Carter says they should pick him instead of Abi because he is "worthy"
Mike says he really likes Carter and it'd be like voting off his son.
Lisa reverses course and says that she'd rather sit next to someone she could beat.

Abi just keeps repeating like a parrot "I have the 4th immunity idol".
Denise: Yea, but no one's seen it and she isn't leveraging it.  Why relationship with Abi?  It's improved but not enough to keep her.
Abi laughs, and Jeff totally thinks she's a crackpot. He asks Denise if Abi can win, and Denise says NO but personally I'm not that sure she wouldn't get votes for hanging in. 

Vote.  Anyone have an idol??  Apparently not...  And, Carter is voted out :(

Amazing Race: Final 4

Yo yo yo!!  Where've you all been?  I've been writing awesome updates in my head but unfortunately they haven't gotten written down in a few weeks.  So, tonight is the 2 HOUR FINALE!  Final 4, which should be final 3 but we can hope the twinnies get the ax early tonight. 

Last week started in Amsterdam, which  makes it even more amazing that the stoner goat herders even made it to the pitt stop.  I have to say, they are getting on my damn nerves!  Last week, if you remember, the had a chance to finally get ahead of Abbie and Ryan, who YET AGAIN got the shaft in Frankfurt, but they decided to "stay and work together".  ARGH!!!  Do you want to win a million or what???  Fortunately Abbie and Ryan had been double whatevered and had to do both roadblocks/detours.  I can't remember which is which without Phil telling me.  Gawd, I thought the Goats were gonna wait for them for finish!  But, alas, the bogus "this season is for 2 million dollars" marketing ploy is kapput. 

Teams have to fly from Amsterdam to Barcelona,Spain and take an OVERNIGHT ferry to the Isle of Mallorca.  Twins have a big advantage and get a 6 am flight, next team gets a 7:20 flight, followed by a 7:55 flight.  No idea what time the Goats got a flight BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER since they have ALL DAY in Spain to lay on the beach and relax.  Twins, Lexi/Trey and the Chips are all happy to be together and playing in the ocean. 

They all meet at the ferry and these 3 teams are thrilled that the Goats beat out Abbie and Ryan, since everyone knows the Goats don't have the balls to win.  Once in Mallorca they have to find a band of very strange and scary people pretending to be Devils and Demons.  Yea, it's kinda freaky.  The clue says they are to drive to Central de blah blah blah, which is a sports complex.  The 3 amigos decide to follow each other, but the one TWINNIE who was supposed to learn stick thought it was easy and skipped her lessons.  She can barely get out of the parking lot. 

Once at the tennis complex, one member has to return 20 tennis balls, in bounds, because someone from Mallorca was a big deal tennis player. 

Trey knows how to play tennis!  The ball shooter thing goes really fast, and you only get one "bucket" of balls to get to 20, or you have to start over again.  Trey does it on the first try.  Next up is James, who's not the tennis player.  It takes him 2 rounds to get to 20.  Clue:  Drive to the Cove de Campaneta.

Next to arrive are the Goats, and the tall Goat, with the bad ankle, chooses to play tennis.  He obviously sucks.  And he's lame ass, and he is such a whining moaner the little goat says he sounds just like Monica Seles.  After the first or second round he has to sit drinking Evian and breathing hard. 

Twins arrive then.  And it's all COME ON TWINNIE, MOVE YOUR ASS TWINNIE.  Apparently they skipped the tennis lessons their parents paid for as well.  Goat dude gets his shit together and he gets done first. 

At the coves, which are caves, teams have to find the music playing.  Not really difficult but there are 2 dudes playing guitar and the don't stop or say anything.  Clue:  Detour:  Spin it or Bull it.  In spin it, teams have to repair a giant windmill;  in bull it teams dress up as a bull and have to go around 8 matadors and butt a target at the end. 

Both the Chips and Lexi/Trey decide to do the bull thing, but the Chips actually drive in the wrong direction and end up at the windmills.  Lots of tawdry jokes about them dressing as construction workers in their jobs but they really did know how to put the windmill together.  They finish first and are told to head to the Pitt stop, a 14th century castle.

Trey and Lexi do the bull thing, which requires one person to be the blind half of the bull and the one in back yelling which way to go.  It's pretty easy and you have 2 minutes to get through it.  At the final part, where the bull is supposed to just touch a target to release the bullfighter, Trey tells Lexi to run towards it, to ram it, and they crash into it.  She cuts her finger and is totally PISSED OFF.  They have to do it again. 

It's a race the Pitt stop, but Trey/Lexi come in first place, followed by the Chips. 

Down to Twins and Goats. Both choose to do the windmill, and the Twins are all cocky since they they think the guys are a bunch of weaklings.  Turns out, owning a goat farm means you have to repair farm equipment all the time, and they kick ASS on it.  Twins are hopelessly stupid, attached stuff wrong and just are lame. 

Goats are team #3!!  And, here come the Twins.  PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE, Phil, give them the BOOT!!!

ACK!!!!!! Yet another non elimination leg!!!  Twins are still in the race!!!  BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Good luck to the final 4!!!!!

1. Trey and Lexi                Amy
2. Jaymes and James        Joanne
3. Josh and Brent            Susan
4. Natalie and Nadiya    Jeff and Eileen

Out
11. Rob and Sheila             Donna
10.Amy and Daniel        Lori
9. Caitlin and Brittany       Kevin and Matt
8. Gary and Will            Karen and John
7. Rob and Kelley        Elayne
6. James and Mark         Betty
5. Abbie and Ryan            Ginnie

Survivor: Lisa comes alive!

Whoah, who gave Lisa caffeine?  She's a little fighter!! 

After last week, Jonathan feels betrayed by his alliance.  He's pissed.  Jeff is thinking perhaps it wasn't a good idea to give up power to Pete.  Ya think so jackass??

Mike and Jon talk.  Mike doesn't want him to give up.  Says "there are cracks  in their alliance.  Let's just wait for them to screw themselves".  Wise advice.

Lisa has a plan...or two...or three.  First up is to get rid of Jon or Mike, then flip things so that they can get rid of Pete, Abi and Artis. 

Reward challenge-something to interrupt the constant scheming.  Split into 2 teams, swim out and get 4 buoys, get pulled back, dig up the key to the puzzle frame and then do a flag puzzle.  Wanna know?  A river cruise with ribs, cornbread, iced tea.  LOL.  I love how they gave up actually enjoying the local culture about 5 seasons ago. 

Blue team is Mike, Pete, Artis, Abi and Carter vs the Yellow team of Denise, Malcolm, Lisa, Jeff and Jonathan.  I wonder if they got to chose their own teams?  So, it's neck and neck and then Lisa sucks at swimming.  Denise makes up the time and then Mike can't find his buoy.  The blue team gets to the puzzle first but yellow crushes it and wins reward.  NOTE: the patterns on the yellow flag are MUCH EASIER TO DIFFERENTIATE. 

Back on the beach, Abi is asked who is in their alliance and she spouts off a bunch of information which pisses Pete off.  He says she's immature and just leaks information.  He'd love to get rid of her but anyone standing next to her at the end is guaranteed a million dollars.  So, we have officially entered the "let's keep the total dicks" portion of the game. 

On reward, they are all happy happy happy to be together, because Pete, Abi and Artis have a reputation as being negative complainers.  But the winners are all happy and nice!  LOL.  Jon says he doesn't want to see bullies win, so he's willing to go with any of the 4 on the reward with him. He's scrambling surely. 

Lisa's new plan is to go into the final with people who are not really well liked and nice, ie, Abi, Pete and Artis, and Mike because he is her buddy.  She tells Mike that Malcolm has the idol.  She wants Tandang to hold together. 

It all depends on immunity.

Immunity Challenge: Only 1 idol this time around.  2 phase challenge.  First is an obstacle course, second is a puzzle challenge for the 3 winners of the first round. 

First round.....Pete, Jeff and Jon.  Moving onto the snake puzzle, it's Jeff and Pete until BAM Jonathan pulls ahead and wins his first ever immunity.  NOTE: he had the yellow snake pieces which had much clearer patterns. I'm totally saying it is a conspiracy. 

Soooooo.  All plans are off now and it's time to scramble.  First it's Mike.  Jeff says, 'sorry Mike".  Then Lisa tells Pete about Malcolm and the idol.  Says they should blindside him at tribal.  Pete is totally surprised, and asks Malcolm about it.  Malcolm says he doesn't have the idol and asks where he heard it.  Lisa.  Pete tells Malcolm he can save him if they go with Jeff. 

Lisa confronts Pete about telling Malcolm and he's all wishy washy.  Suddenly there are 6 people intending to vote for Pete.  Jeff tells Carter everyone is voting for Pete and Carter says, "dude, I thought it was you...".

Total scramble!

Tribal council:
Mike, is it you?  Not sure since I heard people talking today...
Malcolm: Lisa totally there me under the bus.
Probst: Lisa???
Lisa: Yep. I did.
Abi: One of our tribe members just screwed us.
Lisa:  But you were OK with getting rid of Mike
Abi: He was always on the outside.  Our alliance is Pete, me, Artis and you. 
Malcolm: Say WHAT??
Abi:  Oh yea, I probably wasn't supposed to say that.
Lisa:  I was trying to get the idol out.  I was playing both sides but my alliance is tandang.
Malcolm: Yo, I totally have the idol and I'm totally playing it.
Probst:  Anyone else have an idol??
Abi: I do Jeff. 

What a total idiot.  So now everyone shares the various plans and it's all out in the open. 

Time to vote:
Abi 1
Pete 4
Jeff 5

And just like that I will not be winning any Survivor pool this time around!

Survivor Non Election Edition

Yo!!!  Who's up for a little NON HURRICANE Survivor?  I KNOW Karen Sellman is!!  She was observed around last Thursday trying to start a fire with John's glasses and a handful of Chihuahua hair. 

So, yo.  Last week there was no update. 2 tribes. Yellow and Red.  Yellow doesn't have much food.  Probably because freaking Michael eats it RAW.  Challenge: Giant ball that looks like a rubber band ball, 3 per tribe have to push it around in the mud.  WORST CHALLENGE IN THE HISTORY OF SURVIVOR.  It's so freaking lame that an hour later they are all still stuck in the mud going nowhere.  Kudos, though, for Lisa in keeping Denise pinned in the mud.  Jonathan and Michael start to negotiate.  Jonathan offers their remaining rice for the win.  Michael takes it, with RC's support and no one except Artis and the Brazilian really arguing against it.  They take the deal, Red goes off to eat and Abi, Pete and Artis are totally pissed off.  Blah blah blah, immunity challenge-Malcolm (with Lisa's help) kick ass in the chucking and catching contest and Red goes to tribal once again.  There's Penner drama but ultimately Katie is voted off. 

Phew.  Ok.  Last week.  Boat arrives, it's the merge.  So that rice thing totally worked out.  Both tribes go to a new beach, eat food and if they renamed themselves I totally missed that.  Jeff is upset that there are now 2 veterans he has to be pissed off about.  But let's face it, he's also PISSED off that no one recognizes him as the baseball hero.  Maybe he should stand around picking at his crotch so they figure it out. 

I'm already confused so bare with me.  The Yellow tribe consists of:

Michael
RC
Lisa
Pete
Abi
Artis
Malcolm

Red is: Penner, Jeff. Denise. Carter

So it's basically a 7-4 split which would favor the yellow tribe to pick off the red tribe.  But Michael and RC are on the outs, Lisa is in la la land although I think she would go along with Michael and RC, which leaves the Pete/Abi horror show and the always angry Artis.  Malcolm is still in the air  but is really aligned with Denise over on red.  Jeff is aligned with Carter, says he is with Penner and a Denise is kinda aligned with him. 

Everyone starts building shelter and Lisa, who is totally into the laundry and who I totally wish lived near me, decides to go into everyone's stuff and hang the clothes out to dry.  She finds Malcolm's idol, and he sees her do it.  Malcolm tells Denise and then he goes to confront Lisa.  She's all "I totally didn't meant it"  and he believes her.  He offers her an alliance with Denise and him but he's worried that he's now aligned with 2 people who could beat him at the end.  "Hallelujah the church lady found my idol".  LOL. 

Penner is old enough to recognize Lisa.  They have a little bonding session, and some strange talk about how they would be friends if they sat down and had lunch and talked about their lives.  Whatever, I walked the dog during this part. 

Strategizing has begun.  RC and Mike talk-we really aren't aligned with the rest of yellow so why not approach the red team?  Mike talks to Jeff.

Jeff is working the other side of the yellow tribe-he and Carter (aka Blue Lagoon) are talking with Pete, Malcolm and Artis against Penner. They wonder if Penner has the idol and come up with an idea for a 4-4 split between Penner and RC to flush out the idol. 

Challenge:  It's a hang on to you can't thing.  Hold a rope spool with a bucket holding 25% of your weight in water.  My husband got all hung up on "was that their prior weight or did they just weigh them??"  Yea,  he's annoying that way.  Immunity for one male and one female.

Denise of course gets the female immunity.  Male comes down to Jeff and Blue Lagoon.  Seriously, that dude is buying ganja from the natives.  Jeff says to Carter "I drop and u owe me one".  Carter says "Whatever dude, sure".  No idea if they actually made a deal but Jeff drops out giving the stoner immunity. 

Back at camp.  I keep getting confused!  Mike and RC say they will line up with the Red tribe to make 6.  But Mike is worried that as they do that, Jeff and Carter will align with Abi/Artis/Pete and Malcolm.  Mike doesn't want Pete/Artis or Abi to get the upper hand because they are "rude".  Jeff and Carter realize that they are the swing votes tonight.  If they stick with Mike and RC they can get rid of Penner.  If they go with the rude yellow alliance they end up at the bottom of the group.  Penner walks up and says, "yo I'm loyal and am hoping y'all are too". We should take out Pete and take control of the game.  Which is really a good idea in my mind UNLESS you are obsessed with Penner going home.  So of course Jeff tells Pete he and Carter are with them. 

You have NO IDEA how long that last paragraph took me to write.  LOL. 

Tribal
Is there animosity in the yellow tribe?  RC says, sure but we're all one big happy family.  Uhuh, but only one of you can win.  Abi's all "that bitch betrayed me".  RC is all "no I didn't"  Abi "yes you did you unburied the clue"  "Did not".  Abi:  "Your actions speak louder than your words".  BITCH GO BACK TO BRAZIL.

Probst ends this exchange and Lisa points out both the plus and the minuses of switching your alliance.  If you switch you look like you aren't loyal BUT you might move up the food chain.  I think she has finally gotten her Survivor legs.

Pete then bags on the returning players. 

Jeff:  Either way there is gonna be a blindside

Vote.  Penner plays the idol. 

Penner 5
RC 4
Pete 2

RC is voted off.  Only RC and Penner vote for Pete.  Jeff and Carter vote with Pete and Artis to take out Carter thereby switching their alliance.  Everyone else votes for Penner. 


Carter                    Carolyn           Tess
Jeff                        Elayne            Susan
Jonathan                Joanne            Betty
Abi                        Connie            Nikki
Michael                John                    Wendy
Lisa                       Jill                    Kim
Pete                        Lori                    Annemarie
Artis                        Leslie                Stephanie
Malcolm               Nancy            Donna/John

OUT

Zane                   Kelly             Donna/John (now alt 1)
Roxy                    Cindy             Becky (now alt 2)
Angie                   Kelly              Donna
Russell                Amy               Becky
Dawson                 Jeff/Eileen        Sandy
Dana                      Cindy             Liz
Katie                       Stacey            Rachel
RC                        Kevin/Matt        Ron

Survivor: Greatest Comeback Ever?

Oeoooooeoeoeoeeeoooeoeoeoeoeee

Someday I am going to figure out what the hell the lyrics are.  Or I'm going to make some up.  Personally I think it was the sound the natives on season 1 made when they saw the great white Probst.

So, the Philippines is not a place you want to go for your honeymoon because it apparently has miserable weather. 

This week: Will Matsing continue to SUCK or not?  They're down to 3 people, and no fire.  Russell predicts it's gonna be the GREATEST COMEBACK IN SURVIVOR HISTORY.  Uhuh. 

Yellow: Man that Abi Brazilian chick is a whack job.  Seriously, if the whole country of Brazil is like her driving must be INSANE.  She and her 5 minutes into the game BFF may not be so F anymore.  Pete says he wants to cause chaos to keep people off guard.  He actually plants the clue in RC's spilled bag so Abi could exclaim "WHAT'S THAT IN YOUR BAG RC" and totally sabotage her.  It's what I always say, RC, beware the first person in the dorm or the office that's overly friendly.  They're always the insane one. 

Red: So Jeff knows that Jonathan has the idol, and apparently that has changed his mind about getting rid of Jonathan first.  In fact, he does the whole bro thing and they form an alliance while "fishing" for giant clams.  They call over Carter-who is it me? or does Carter look EXACTLY like the dumb blonde kid from the Blue Lagoon?? Anyway, they shake hands and it's a boy alliance.  Which leads the girls to form their own alliance. 

Blue: Malcolm thinks Russell has met his low expectations.  Says he has no self awareness but they need him for his muscles.  Russell is suspicious of Malcolm and Denise since neither has approached him to form an alliance.  He decides to go back to looking for the idol, and Denise catches him digging near camp.  Hmmmmm.  She and Malcolm wonder if he has the idol so they go through his stuff. 

Yellow: the wild Brazilian insanity continues.  RC tries to talk to Abi who is all "I'm not a gonna talka to yoos". Pete is sucking it up. 

Challenge:  Only 3 people from each tribe get to do this one because of Matsux.  Each person has to carry 2 pots of rice through an obstacle course, placing them on stands.  Then one person on the tribe gets to smash them.  Wanna know what you're playing for?  Steak and veggies, or veggies and spices.  Either can be exchanged for a tarp.  Yellow and Red go with all men teams. 

First off, the Blue Lagoon dude is just freaking awful.  He smashes a pot right away, and falls on the obstacle course.  So Red is falling behind.  Blue, surprisingly is ahead for a while until the Yellow team gets their shit together.  Once it's Denise's turn, Blue falls behind them.  Red is pathetic.

On to the smashing part.  Yellow kicks ass and wins First Immunity.  It's down to the blue and red teams, with Malcolm and Jeff throwing.  It's down to ONE POT LEFT for each of them.  Malcolm swings and misses...Jeff swings and misses...Malcolm swings and misses...Jeff swings and tips the pot....AND SURVIVOR GOES ALL SLOW MOTION as the pot shatters.  Red wins second immunity.  AND OF COURSE RUSSELL LOSES IT.  He smashes the final pot, and starts yelling "LORD HELP ME TO UNDERSTAND".  Everyone is just looking over with embarrassment. 

Probst:  Dude, what is your problem??  You ain't a superhero, you're just a guy
Russell: That's just it, God made me in his image and I should never fail. It pisses me off to fail

Ok then.  The red team decides to forgo the veggies and take the tarp. 

Back on misery  beach, the scheming begins.  Malcolm tells Russell to "vote out Denise, we need to keep the athletes together". 

Denise and Russell talk.  Denise is a really good therapist, as she gets Russell to reveal some story about getting jumped and beat up as a little kid, and going to school scared.  Then he runs into one of the kids that jumped him and he flat out decks the kid, who begins to cry.  So, I'm all waiting for the whole redemption story, how he felt bad and realized we are all just frail children who act out but are good people, and how that kid became his best friend in life.  Instead he came to the conclusion to never back down and be afraid of anything.  Hmmmmm.  Anyway, Denise gives him a story about getting rid of Malcolm because he is a big social threat, and Russell EATS IT UP.  He thinks he's the swing vote. 

Tribal.  What will happen???

Denise: It's crazy Jeff
Malcolm: Ain't no telling what's gonna happen
Russell: Yea, I over reacted but it's a mindset.  I talked to Dr. Denise and I realized I'm good.  Nothing wrong with me.  Nope. 
Malcolm:  Yes, Jeff, I decided to throw the thingy at the pots and I blew it.  Thanks for pointing THAT out at tribal
Why you??
Denise: I'm strong physically and socially
Malcolm: I'm stronger, and younger and taller
Russell: He's a young threat.  I'm still a competitor with experience. 

Why get rid of Denise?  She's perfect, and at the end of the game in addition to voting for her people will be writing her personal checks to help with the taxes on that million dollars.  LOL. 

Vote.  Any idols?  Nope.  Bye bye Russell. 

Amazing Race Week 2

Welcome to Amazing Race!  It's been on long enough that Phil has finally learned to say "eliminated" in 'Merikan.  So, yea, week 1 didn't get written up.  Here's the low down.  Teams left CA to fly to Shanghai, so they are doing the race backwards this time around.  The team who comes in first on this leg has the potential to win 2 million dollars if they win the whole thang.  Unfortunately we are NOT doubling the pool winnings.  So, 2 flights to Shanghai, table tennis followed by and eating challenge where my idiot Monster trucker didn't read the clue, the search for an abacus, which no one can even pronounce anymore, the legless girl is too slow and Abby and Ryan come in first place.  Rob and Sheila come in last and are eliminated.  Got it?

Week 2 starts in Shanghai and I am starting to get a feel for these teams.  Fly to Indonesia and find the Alun Alun stadium.  Everyone SHOULD be on the same flight to Jakarta, except my asswipes Monster Truckers decide to fly through Hong Kong-never asking how long the layover is.  4 freaking hours.  Once in Jakarta there is an earlier flight but the Rockers end up being the only team on standby that gets on.  LOL someone is calling them "Long Hair-Don't Care". 

And of course, it's one of those everybody sit around until 8 am when the place opens.  Rockers get number 1, then everyone else but the truckers arrive.  Hmmmm, WHERE ARE THE TRUCKERS???  Yea, they're still on an airplane telling the cameraman that "we might be first".  Nope, you are dead last. 

But fortunately it's a pretty lame challenge where teams have to get on moterbikes and race bulls on a cart.  And I didn't zoom in but in order to get a pull to go FAST you either pull it's tail or repeatedly poke it in the butthole.  Even when you lose, you get the clue which is LAME.  So everyone finishes in the same order. 

Then it's on to a roadblock.  Who likes to Party??  Chose 4 kids and have them ride on a bicycle driven carosel while you make them balloon hats and poodles.  Apparently when Indonesian kids go to the park THEIR parent's don't STUFF them full of junk food because  no one vomited.  "Gays are naturally good at balloon animals", which is a comment I an soooooo not gonna touch, is also incorrect as the gay little goat herder falls waaaaaay behind.  And, what the hell is with the Indonesian girl in the Harry Potter glasses handing out the clues?? 

Take a taxi to the Wijaya Motor Shop (which has nothing to do with vaginas, much to my disappointment).  Nor does it have to do with Wijaya Tires, or Wijaya Brothers which are the other places dumb cab drivers chose to take people.  Apparently the Wijayas are a large mafia. 

It's a Detour (and is it me or is Phil no longer explaining the difference between a roadblock and a detour??).  Ice by the pound or Fish by the barrel.  In ice, teams have to deliver 10 65lb blocks of ice.  In fish, teams have to sort through 2 barrels of fish and set up a fish market stall.  Only the OH MY GOD SO FREAKING ANNOYING Sri Lanka girls do the fish.  Seriously, they are so goddamned annoying I cannot take it. 

Everyone else is doing the ice, while the little gay goater is still trying to make his first condom hat.  Lost are the truckers, the rockers and Amy/Daniel who have no nickname. 

The annoying Sri Lankers finish the fish first and find Phil.  They are team number 1 and Phil tells them they smell of fish, which is kinda rude.  They win the Express Pass.  One by one the teams finish the ice and make their way to the pitt stop.  The rockers finally find the ice.  Right about now the goaters finish the challenge and the little goater is all shaky and upset.  They arrive at the ice at the exact same time as the truckers, so they think it's a race to the finish.  Amy/Daniel are still lost-she asks if someone can call information and is told "there is no information in Indonesia". 

The truckers finish and it's just the goaters, who have dropped their ice and have to repack their cart.  Unbeknownst to them Amy and Daniel have arrived and are closing the gap with the ice.  CBS tries to make you think it's even close, with the big goater saying, "I'm not even going to run, let's just wonder through the market saying hi to everyone. 

They finally arrive at the pitt and Phil tells them they are only team 9, so they are all happy.  Amy and Daniel are team 10 and are sadly eliminated. 


1. Natalie and Nadiya    Jeff and Eileen
2. Trey and Lexi                Amy
3. Jaymes and James        Joanne
4. Abbie and Ryan            Ginnie
5. Josh and Brent            Susan
6. James and Mark         Betty
7. Caitlin and Brittany       Kevin and Matt
8. Rob and Kelley        Elayne
9. Gary and Will            Karen and John

Out
11. Rob and Sheila             Donna
10.Amy and Daniel        Lori

Survivor: Can I Haz a Cookie??

It's raining, it's pouring
Angie is whoring
She went to bed and humped his leg
And might get the boot in the morning.

Welcome back!!!  Is everyone caught up?  Jeff tells us once again that this season has DEADLY ANIMALS AND FEROCIOUS STORMS.  And a few ho bags. 

Blue has the blues.  They are Zaneless.  Now Denise will NEVER EVER get the story of the tattoos.  Russell has ONCE AGAIN decided to take a step back policy.  Angie and Malcolm have been snuggling, which is a nice term for dry humping.  Roxy is very very tired from watching them snuggle all night.  Malcolm admits when he first saw Angie's giant and fake breasts he was afraid he was gonna get bootie blind.  Roxy ain't happy, thinks it's a Booby trap.

Yellow. RC is nervous about the rice getting wet so she sticks her dirty hands into the rice bag to feel it up.  She ends up with the idol clue, which she is hiding when Abi sees her.  RC shares the clue with her but Abi is all Brazilian Getto on her.  Abi tells her she is too close to Mike.  RC says, "I think of Mike as my father, and anyway you are close to Pete".  Abi tells her "you're my friend but if you screw me over you are dead to me.  DEAD TO ME I tell ya".  LOL. I'm so glad my BFF Karen Sellman isn't Brazilian. 

Red: Jeff is struggling with his knee and the rain.  He's a freaking whiner.  Next he'll be complaining that this game is ONLY for one million.  So they are all sitting in the shelter, in the rain, and they decide to  make up a checker board.  Jonathan just wants them all to get the hell out of camp so he can find the idol.  Finally the kids all go to the cave to get dry and Jonathan goes off hunting.  Seriously, try this next week.  Close your eyes when he talks and tell me he does not sound exactly like Alan Alda.  He's crawling all over the place when someone comes back to get the flint so they can smoke a doobie in the cave, so he tells them he lost a lens and is looking for his glasses.  Question: do some of these people wear contacts??  And how unsterile is that??? 

Finally Jonathan goes back to the rice box, peels the emblem off of the top and finds it is actually the idol.  He's thrilled. 

Blue:  Malcolm and Survivor Barbie are still snuggling and Roxy is still pissed.  She tells Russell she wants her out.  She then talks to Denise about it.  Denise, who is in an alliance with Malcolm, is a little concerned that the tits will win out in the end.  Malcolm suddenly feels a weird vibe in the camp. 

It's raining on the Yellow tribe too.  Blair has a breakdown.  She's apparently shy and has had to rely on herself since she was 12 years old and went to LA for the Mickey Mouse Club.  Seriously, that mouse club is responsible for half of the drug addicts in LA.  Blair walks off to cry and all those mean people talk trash about her looking for the idol.  I'm rooting for Blair, totally. 

Blue and wet.  Roxy is having her meltdown.  Just sitting there doing nothing. "I thought being a good christian God would never let me get wet or cold".  Finally the sun comes out and she goes into her praying thing.  Denise isn't into prayer apparently.  "Is she speaking in tongues or what???"  Yea, kind of an uncomfortable  moment.  Russell and Denise are worried because she is weak. 

Challenge time.  2 people pull an apparently really heavy sled, load it up with puzzle pieces, drag it back 3 times.  One person is a caller and the other 2 do the 3 puzzles.  Wanna know what you're playing for??  Tarps and blankets for the first tribe, a tarp for the second. 

Russell asks Angie if she could run the sled thing twice.  She says no.  Roxy also says no because "I haven't had enough to drink".  Of course these 2 women can also not do puzzles so he has to use them in the sled.  And they suck it. 

After the second trip for pieces, Angie is just laying on the ground while everyone else works on the puzzle.  Lisa is a really good puzzler and does the calling.  Yellow comes in first!!  Yeah Blair!!!. and it's down to the wire but Red comes in second.  The blue team loses again and Russell freaks out, throws a puzzle piece and yells "I'm PISSED OFF.  Either go hard or go home.  These folks have to get their heads out of their butts". 

Back at camp he's still mad at both Angie and Roxy for saying they couldn't do it before they even tried.  But, he relies on Roxy for information.  Roxy goes all "gangster" on Russell about getting rid of Angie.  "She's Miss America all damn day long".  Personally I agree with her.  Malcolm and Angie watch her to gangster. 

Russell talks to the voice of reason, Denise.  "Angie isn't as innocent as she appears".  Denise is in the middle between the Russell/Roxy side and the Malcolm/Angie side, even though she has an alliance with Malcolm.  I'm hoping she takes him aside and tells him to stop thinking with his little Malcolm. 

Tribal:
Denise: Was Russell accusatory at the challenge?  Yes but I get it.
Roxy: What would you change about the tribe so far?  These people work to damn much.  Put too much energy into taking care of stuff. 
Denise-We need to work to be strong for the challenges
Angie: what would you change?  We could have cookies!
BLAAAAMMMM Jeff's head explodes.  WTF???
Malcolm: Um , cookies would be nice...
Jeff: Really??? In a game for a million dollars???
Russell-Jeff, she has wonderful tits but this whole thing is new to her. 
Roxy: There are friendships and somethin' somethins' going on between Angie and Malcolm.
Malcolm: WASSUP Jeff?  You know you are a playa as well.  We sleep together but we're just friends.  She's like a sister to me.
Roxy: well that's CREEPY. She's been a booby trap from the start.
Russell: whenever 2 people have a tight friendship it's dangerous. 
Angie: Well, Roxy can have her opinion.
Jeff: WAKE THE FUCK UP, TITS!!
Roxy: Even if there is only a small chance, it's dangerous.

Time to vote......and ROXY is out on her ass. 

Survivor Phillippines Week 1

Yo yo yo!!! I am loving this 3 little tribes thang. It's the first time ever I actually know who everyone is after the first week! No hiding on this season!

 

So, we're in the Philippines. I think we've been in the Philippines many times lately. Probst must like the hookers there. 

 

So, 15 AMERICANS (technically not true but I'll get there later), 3 tribes and HOLY SHIT WHAT A COINCIDENCE, they are all wearing their team colors!! What are the odds of THAT happening??? 

 

Jeff is giving his little speech about Survivor and how DANGEROUS IT IS. He asks Roxy what the worst thing she ever saw happen on Survivor and she gives this dramatic reenactment of Russell passing out and having to leave the show. Which tells me that bitch is too young to have watched season 2, because YOU KNOW the real answer is the dude who fell into the fire and had skin hanging off his hands. Ah, season 2, Australia, still the toughest season ever and the last time I believe anyone actually went hungry on Survivor. 

 

Ok. So here comes another fancy boat with the 3 returning Survivors. There's Russell from Samoa-the actual dude who fainted in the challenge, Jonathan from Fan vs Favorites who left with a cut on his leg because the australian medical lady said he COULD DIE, and Michael the burn victim from Australia. He's looking good! And HOLY FREAKING SHIT, they are all wearing the proper colors for their teams too!!! WOWZA is that a coincidence!!

So, yea Blair Warner is on this season but apparently no one is old enough to have watched The Facts of Life because she looks exactly like she did in the 80's. Only Michael recognizes her but doesn't say anything.

Yea, there are hidden idols this time around but thank you baby jesus no redemption island crap. 

 

"You have 30 seconds to grab stuff and get onto your team rafts". And of course, my damn baseball player has to freaking hurt himself jumping off the damn boat! Christ. 

 

The blue team is Matsing, which I think is a monkey. Russell is assigned to that one. He goes on and on about how the person who is the leaders is a giant target, but then takes on the roll of asshole leader. There's a blonde chick named Angie and a hot guy named Malcolm. Malcolm apparently used to live in Micronesia and knows how to start a fire. He walks Russell through it and they get fire in like the first 10 minutes of the season, which is amazing. Russell totally takes credit for it. 

 

Red team is Kalabaw, which is an ox like animal. This is Jonathan's tribe. I am starting to remember that he was an ahole last time. Jeff, the bballer, is bitching about his knee and a possible ripped MCL. Suck it up or leave now so I can get the alternate buddy. Jeff tells everyone that Jonathan is a good guy but he shouldn't win, one of the others should win. They decide to use him for info and them get rid of him. 

 

Yellow team is Tandang, which is a rooster. This is Michael's tribe full of very young and very energetic people, oh and Blair. Yea, that ain't gonna work. RC is an investment banker pretending to be an administrative assistant, mainly because everyone in the entire world hates bankers these days. She and Abi are all huggingly glad to be on the same tribe. Abi is in fact not American but Brazilian in American on one of the millions of lady-parts waxing visas. They decide they want Peter (because he's kinda dumb), and Michael in an alliance. They go to ask Peter and I SWEAR Abi's left tit was hanging out while they were talking. They don't trust "the old lady". OUCH. 

 

Apparently all the tribes forgo shelter and fire to instead instantly form alliances with complete strangers. 

 

Red tribe: Jeff is telling people he is a rancher from Texas, and that he sells motorcycles. Dawson, however, recognizes him and decides to save that info for later. Jonathan is off idol hunting while everyone else forgets about the idol. He looks everywhere and then realizes the only thing that was already on the beach was the box with rice. Inside he finds the first idol clue. 

 

Yellow: Blair is strangely shy and bad at this game. She for some strange reason is standing in the water with her jeans on and won't take them off with the other girls. She tells them she does a ministry for moms. Privately she goes on and on about the reason she is on Survivor is to "find herself" and "who she is". Jeez. Just give all of us "old ladies" a bad name! Oh, and apparently she lost all of her money in the 80's. She offers to work on the fire while everyone else runs around talking about her and scheming. RC doesn't like her. Michael can't figure out why she isn't using her fame, and asks her about it that night. She's pretty wishy washy about it. Michael is totally accident prone and keeps hurting himself. 

 

Blue tribe: Zane is a drop out with a frankNstein tattoo. Denise, the sex therapist, is intrigued by him and his tattoos, says "there's a story in them". I believe the story is he's a standard issue redneck but hell, let her look. Zane thinks he's the "perfect survivor player", which is typically said as the kiss of death. Zane goes on to form an alliance with everyone individually, and then tell Russell and Malcolm that he's in an alliance with everyone else but he's REALLY in an alliance with them. LOL. And, BANG, Denise and Malcolm form an alliance that seems interesting to me. Russell also finds the clue while making rice. He goes off to the beach to read it and Zane sees him. He asks him later about the idol and Russell says "I don't need it and if I see anyone looking for it that'll put a target on their back". 

 

Challenge. For immunity (2 of them) and fire stuff. Teams pair up into 3 pairs. The first pair run into the jungle and retrieve paddles. Second pair paddles out to unleash a giant box full of puzzle pieces which the final pair uses. "I'll give you a few minutes to strategize". Russell uses the time to be a massive dick, telling people to basically shut up and listen to his assignments. He says he sucks at puzzles, and Angie says so does she. Immediately Russell assigns her to the puzzle leg. 

 

Russell and Zane do the first leg and Zane is so out of shape Russell has to basically drag him back, but they still beat the red tribe out of the jungle. Red makes up a lot of time and they are neck and neck with the yellow tribe going into the puzzle. Red wins first place and yellow comes in second. Blue sucks it and have to go to tribal council. 

 

Back at camp, Russell is giving a "you have to dig deeper in Survivor" speech, and Zane interrupts and says, "Russell you had to pull me and I ain't built for Survivor. Let me go". Privately he says this is a giant ruse to feel them all out and make them ask him to stay. Uhuh. Or he's mentally unbalanced. 

 

Russell talks to Roxy and Angie, says it's Zane. He walks away and Angie starts bitching about Russell making her do the puzzle. She doesn't like Russell, prefers Zane because he's funny. Yea, that'll help in the upcoming comedy challenge. She tells Zane she doesn't want him to go. Malcolm also tells him to stay. Zane says he's pretty sure Russell has the idol. Malcolm tells Denise Zane thinks Russell has the idol, but she still doesn't want to get rid of the stronger Russell. 

 

Tribal, Jeff is in dark blue. Does his get a torch because that represents your life speech. 

 

Denise: I have mixed feelings about there being returning players but right now Russell is an asset to us

Zane: It's like an onion, Jeff, the more you peel it the more you cry

Jeff: What the what??

Zane: The more you uncover the layers the more Russell becomes a threat.

Russell: Yes, I blew it by being a massive asshole in the first 3 days.

Malcolm: he did come on a little strong

Russell: I would be shocked to be first to go, like a dagger in my heart

Roxy: He came on too strong

Angie: yea, he MADE ME DO A PUZZLE. And I was hoping to get through the entire freaking season of Survivor without ever seeing A PUZZLE. I mean, has there ever been A PUZZLE before on Survivor???

Rusell: She's right, I should have listened to her and NEVER EVER had her participate in anything with a puzzle.

Zane: Hey, here's a fun fact, I quit smoking the day I came onto the show! So I'm fat, slow, have no lung capacity AND I'm suffering from withdrawal. But I did say I couldn't run, and who knew anyone would have to do physical stuff on survivor! I mean, I kept meaning to quit smoking and exercise before I came here but shit, there was always a good NASCAR race to watch in my trailer.

Denise: There is a responsibility for your performance in challenges but there is also bad leadership.

Zane: I told them, I'll step aside if I'm holding them back.

 

Time to vote. Idol? Nope. Zane is voted off, proving he is in fact the perfect Survivor player. 

 

"Son of a bitch!!"

Survivor: One Uterus

Dang, finale tomorrow night!!  Can't wait. 

Last week saw Kat get her funny blindside and man oh man was she a mad bitch at tribal this week!  LOL.  Guess it wasn't that fun after all!  And if you watch the Ponderosa clip of her arriving at camp, she had to be accompanied by the Survivor Psychologist. 

OK.  So now it's all scrambling for top 4.  Tarzan has a plan.  He talks to Kim, says take me to 4 and I will talk you up once I get onto the jury.  He badmouths Alicia to her and tells her Chelsea is basically her biggest threat. 

Then he turns around and tells Alicia if she keeps him until 4 "I'll talk you up to the jury". 

Chelsea tries to pull Christina in.  Tells her she will take her on reward if she wins because Christina is so hungry.  Christina runs right back to Alicia, Tarzan and Kim and tells "her alliance" what Chelsea said.  Kim is worried that Chelsea might blow her cover so she goes and tells Chelsea what Christina said.  Chelsea is pissed off. 

Challenge: It's a dizzying one.  Survivors have to spin around poles to unscrew disks, then use the disks to decode the 3 numbers that unlock a flag.  Wanna know what you're playing for?  A night on a luxury yacht. 

Chelsea wins reward and says she is going to use fairness to chose who goes.  Picks hungry Sabrina and then picks Kim.  Totally stiffs Christina. 

Back at camp, Alicia is totally pissed off.  As is Christina.  Says it was not in fact fair to pick Kim since she has been on 3 recent rewards.  Alicia, Tarzan and Christina are thinking that Sabrina, Chelsea and Kim might in fact be in an alliance and decide to force Kim to vote off Chelsea to prove her loyalty.  Tarzan tells them that "Kim and Chelsea are deceiving you guys". 

The yacht is wonderful, they get clean and all decide that they are final 3. 

Next morning Tarzan is crabby.  Wants to make the coconut his way which Alicia is afraid means straining it through his buff which apparently has been near his ass.  Alicia and Kim talk and Kim puts the idea in her head that Tarzan is playing them both.  Mentions what he said about the jury and Alicia says, "hey me too".  They are convinced that Tarzan is playing them  both and they would have looked like total idiots.  Alicia gets her "ghetto Puerto Rican" on, as well as her ghetto leopard bra (which is still tight as hell) and they both tell Christina what they heard. 

Challenge: it's a one hand game of barrel of monkeys to pick up puzzle pieces and then assemble a fish puzzle. 

Alicia wins immunity. 

At camp Tarzan calls her a bitch for winning the challenge and says "I should have won it wasn't even physical".  Niiiice. 

Kim talks to Sabrina and says that she conned Alicia to not trust Tarzan, but she also tells Chelsea that she might go.  Chelsea is pissed about going before Christina who "doesn't do anything".  Sabrina tells her to take it one hour at a time and Chelsea decides that Kim needs to work on Alicia. 

Tarzan and Alicia talk and Tarzan says "I sense you don't want to take me to final 3..."  She assures him that is not the case.  For some reason Tarzan wants to wear Kat's pink tank top to tribal and also her bathing suit bottoms on his head, which the ladies think is highly unsanitary. 

Tribal:  Kat is one pissed off jurist! 

Tarzan why are you still here?   Because I helped the ladies get rid of the men. 
Sabrina: He's still a man and IT'S A RISK TO TAKE HIM
Tarzan: I put Kat's panties on my head and they all freaked out. 
Sabrina: I think he is totally playing us.
Alicia: I wanna bitch about Chelsea taking Kim on reward. 
Christina: I was disappointed that she broke her word
Chelsea: You broke yours 5 minutes later...  And anyway TARZAN IS TOTALLY PLAYING US
Tarzan: I am not playing them.

Vote.  Tarzan is the last man standing but no longer!  It's a game on hormonal mess tomorrow night!!

Survivor: Ahh, young grasshopper...

So I flat out didn't get last week's update done because the Dad was back in the hospital.  He's fine for now...  I'm bummed because I had a totally awesome riff on the slip and slide challenge.  Bottom line, Troyzan is no more.  On his way out the door he leaned over and told Kat to "do it". 

Alicia is all up Christine's ass again.  Perhaps because Christine doesn't have a giant ASS?  I mean, come on Alicia, try laying off the carbs.  "Christine is stupid.  She showed that to the jury".  And you my dear have shown yourself to be a crazy ass mean girl.  Alicia is all worried about Sabrina because she can talk and make good arguments.  Alicia informs us that "I am in control".  lol.  You can't even control those boobs of yours. 

So Kit tells everyone that Troy told her to "do it" but is all "I have no idea what he was talking about".  Hmmmmmm.  Great way to keep working that into everyone's brain Kit.

Treemail.  Ugh, it's the Sprint family video thing.  It is seriously boring.  Christina's dad just had a kidney transplant so he's apparently got limited time, and Tarzan's wife Terri is just a bad bottle blonde.  Not what I expected of a plastic surgeon's wife.  Sabrina is all "Tarzan needs to get time with his wife of 30 years because he is 65 and they both could drop dead at any moment".  LOL. 

Challenge, with the families.  And OMFG do they drag this on an on and on.  One by one.  And what a surprise, Alicia's sister says that they are not an "emotional" family.  Oh, so she's a freaking mean bitch too?  Tarzan's wife comes running out with her big ass artificial jugs just bouncing all over the place.  Wowza.  Oh, how weird is this?  Kat's cousin comes in and Kat like crawls on all fours like a dog and then they do some weird talking thing.  Just freaking WEIRD. 

It's a rope challenge, horizontal and the pairs have to undo the puzzle aspect of it.  Whatevs.

Skip to the chase, Kat wins reward, which is some food thing with alcohol.  She wants to hang and drink with her 2 best buddies so she takes Kim and Alicia with her. It basically pisses everyone off.  At the reward Kat is obnoxious.  "We're the top 3"!  Kim talks to her sister  and she says, yea these are  probably the 2 morons I'm going to the finale with.  Alicia is just delusional that people like her. 

Back at camp Sabrina is annoyed that Kat didn't take Tarzan and Christina.  Chelsea admits that Kat screwed up big time on that one.  Plus, she is concerned about Troy's comment and the fact that the men like her.  Because basically every woman knows that men love to fantasize about having sex with incredibly stupid women.  And do not even try to argue with me on this one. 

When they return Kim and Chelsea talk. Kim still wants Sabrina but Chelsea is leaning towards Kat.  Kim is going to flat out stop hiding her strengths and go for all the immunity wins.  And, from the look at her mustache, her testosterone levels are quite high.

Challenge. Ahhhhh, no puzzle.  It's a 50 Shades of Blue challenge where Jeff has then all on a platform with their hands behind their backs holding onto ROPE, and gets to slowly lower the ropes down so they are hanging closer and closer to the water, and in pain.  Uhuh. 

Sabrina is first out.  Alicia looks at Kat who does a little dance.  Tarzan out.  Alicia out.  Chelsea out and Christina out.  It comes down to Kat and Kim.  Kat is basically pissed that Kim is going for it because "you win everything".  Finally Kat falls in and Kim wins immunity.  Kat is not a gracious loser.  She is pissed that an old lady of 28 kicked her ass. 

Alicia is easily swayed by the fact that Sabrina fell in first.  'I could beat her even with my fat thighs".  Thinks Kat was too strong. 

Kim and Alicia talk to Sabrina and tell her Kat, but Kim still wants Sabrina.  Back and forth.

Challenge.  Blue, meh.

Kat: It was so hard for me to chose and it really hurt my feelings.  Jeff: It hurt YOUR feelings??
Sabrina: she was clearly not playing strategic.  The 22  year old wanted to play.  She'll regret it.
Kat: Yea, I am young and naive.
Chelsea: She uses that 22 year naive excuse way to much
Kat: Hey, why is tonight all about me? 
Tarzan: She is 22 and an idiot.  She didn't get why it would be important to take other people but it doesn't bother me.
Jeff: At the challenge, Sabrina was first out.  I was surprised.
Alicia: I don't know if she was acting or not but I didn't know Kat had it in her.  She was a poor sport though.
Kat: Hey, wait, why is everyone bagging on me?  Pay attention little moron...

And in the best line of the season Kat says, "A blindside would be fun and exciting!"   After which she was totally blindsided and sent packing.  Booohooooo.  "I am mortified to have left before Tarzan and Christina.  I'll beg Jeff to let me play again".  Oh please no...

Survivor: Who's NOT Pissed Off??

It's Wednesday afternoon, so it's time for me to feverishly write up the blog.  Show of hands, who noticed I never did one last week?  Yea, lazy ass.  Ok, so last week Chelsea won immunity, the girls coalesced and Troy played the idol.  Since the women split the vote between Troy and Jay, Jay was left with that always surprised stupid look on his face.  Wonder if he realizes those girls are not his alliance yet??

And can I say, GAWD I miss Colton!!!  Who knew?? 

So, last week.  Troy is PISSED OFF.  Like REALLY REALLY PISSED OFF.  He knows he's next in line and he is "out to win".  He tells Chelsea "I feel like I should be here longer than 3/4 or these people".  She says it's just a game and he should take it like a man.  "Girls always get their stuff and then they dump the guy". 

Treemail: Individual envelopes with cash.  It's an auction clearly.  Troy knows there is usually an "advantage" sold at the auction and decides he is going to get it. 

Jeff is in that black shirt again.  Which he never wore until he got married.  I feel like it's a cry for help. 

Item 1: 3 donuts and an iced coffee.  Kim and Chelsea vie for it and Chelsea buys it for $160.  Must be Starbucks coffee. 
Item 2: The Karen Sellman Special: Chips, Guacamole and a Margarita.  Sabrina grabs this for $400.
Item 3: Protein shake and bananas, which little monkey man Leif snags for a measly $100
Item 4: A shower, shampoo and a toothbrush.  Kim walks away with this for $40.  Seriously, I wonder if you could have bought it and made someone else use it if it would have gone higher??
Item 5: BLT, chips and an iced tea goes to Kat for $180. 
Item 6: Peanut butter and chocolate has Kim coming out of the shower to purchase this for $200.  Alicia is too cheap with the Survivor money! 

Jeff asks Tarzan why he isn't bidding on food and he says that he's saving it to buy shocks for his car.  Either that or he knows there are hookers available for the jury. 

Item 7: Letters from home.  Awwww.  Alicia spends her whole $500 for letters from her Dad.  Jeff asks if anyone else wants to buy their letters?  Tarzan is crying and decides that it puts the car repair in perspective. 

Troy is also crying because he's all alone.  Nobody likes him, he has no alliance left...

Item 8 is the advantage.  Troy and Christine start bidding.  WHY did Troy not just start at $500 if he really wanted it that bad??  Stupid.  But everyone else is pushing Christine to increase her bid.  Troy finally gets it for $420 and is all PISSED off that they all want him off that bad that they're all in for Christine to buy the advantage. 

Item 9 is covered and comes with a note.  Kat buys it for $160 and it's an entire cake for the whole tribe, although they only get 60 seconds to eat.  Not very  healthy if you ask me. 

And with that the auction is over.  I always wonder what it feels like after all these days to suddenly eat a shitload of sugar.  Kinda like Easter morning in the no chocolate during lent households I guess-although thanksgod I have never lived in one of those households!!

Back at camp, Troy reads his advantage, "move directly to the second part of the immunity challenge".  He's also crazily looking for another immunity idol "without shame".  Why would you have shame?  And why are the rest of the  idiots not looking??

Everyone is bagging on poor Christine for not buying the note.  So for once they want Christine to stay around! 

Troy is looking all over for the idol, and Kim sees him and he fakes that he has it.  Everyone's freaking out, and Kim isn't the golden girl anymore. 

Challenge: Jeff is in dark blue.  Sorry, Jeff, Nene on Real Housewives of Atlanta suggests we ladies close our legs to married men. 

For some strange reason only Leif has painted his face.  Part one of the challenge is what I like to call the jewelry box challenge, aka untangling knots.  Only 3 people plus Troy will move on to the second stage, which is the bounce coconuts at a target challenge.  Only 2 will move onto the final leg, which is the fire coconuts at a target challenge. 

Moving on with Troy are Tarzan (yes, in that damn speedo), Kim and Christina.  Moving on to the final part are Troy and Tarzan.....................and TROY WINS IMMUNITY!! On his way over to get the necklace he says "Don't eff with me".  Which surprisingly does not go over well! 

Whole lotta pissed off people back at camp!  Tarzan tells Troyzan "when you win you should be noble".  Troy is pretty much FUCK THAT. 

And with that the paranoia sets in big time.  Kim and Christina decide there's no point in voting off a girl now just to do so, so it has to be a guy, leaving Tarzan and Leif on the chopping block.  Tarzan is helping little Leif wipe the strange makeup off his little face.  They're both kinda like, well it's you or me!  Troy decides to talk to the peeps he thinks are on the bottom to upend the game.  He's working it.  Alicia tells Kim that Troy is on to something...

Tribal. 
Troy, you seem to be showing a little animosity?  It's my competitive spirit Jeff, they are all gunning for me.  Sabrina, do you think it's just competitiveness?  He is competitive but you also need to be likable.  They go back and forth in a big fight that everyone else just sits back and watches.  Troy brings up his idea that Tarzan, Leif, Christina and  Alicia long with him could vote Kim out and change the game.  He says they would have the numbers to do it. 

Kim agrees they have the numbers but "no one knows who is at the bottom".  Oh, I'm pretty sure someone does, Kim!  Christina agrees that Troy's math works.  And Alicia says, "if someone would flip, the girls would be screwed".  Alicia isn't sure when the best time to make a move is.

And can I add, before they vote that I would be freaking PISSED off if I starved for 27 days and still had Alicia's thighs. 

Vote: Kim gets 2 votes, Tarzan gets 3 and Leif is the 4th member of the jury.  I'll miss you ya little monkey!!