Amazing Race Week 10

Woohooo! Final 3, baby.

This week's episode started and stayed in Moscow. Teams had to find a nuclear sub and "find the actor from The Hunt for Red October". Seriously, show of hands now, who thought it was gonna be Sean Connery? Nope. Some no name actor that the Race didn't even have enough respect to give a name to.

Ok, so first let me go back and state for the record, that I honestly don't believe for an American TV show that you should be able to cavort on a nuclear sub. There is NO FRIGGIN WAY that this was a real nuclear sub. Maybe a Bush/Palin "NUCULAR" sub, but those aren't real anyway. I so hope the Amazing Race never comes out to Limerick and has people scale the cooling towers.

Anywhoo, everyone jumps into taxi's (again, with the Russian KGB-spy drivers) and draws a stick figure of sub. Me? I'd of had rays shooting off of it just so the driver knew I wanted the RADIOACTIVE sub.

Everyone gets to the sub at the same time and all rush in, and run around the sub saying, "clue? clue?" Finally, they find the heavily made up ACTOR captain, who is on the phone with his agent trying to find out what this gig is paying. He gives them their next clues: take a taxi to the graveyard of fallen monuments. Which is not grammatically correct because, from what I saw, all of the monuments were right side up, but were of fallen HEROES.

The Cheaters jump in the spy-taxi with GPS. MASSIVE TRAFFIC. Maybe the big 3 automakers should go there to sell their cars?

Roadblock. One teammate had to be "good at solving mysteries...literally". For the roadblock, one teammate had to count the number of Lenin and Stalin statues (6 and 2) , put the separate numbers together, then take a cab to a store where, if their numbers were correct, a shopkeeper would give them a book by the a mystery writer; at the book's page with the same number as the statue total, there would be a clue to an address where the teammate's partner would be waiting. Phew. In case you didn't guess I cut and pasted that sentence from the cbs website. Seriously, it was really confusing. Give me Survivor where all I have to do is tell ya that the unwashed have to lob a ball onto a sheet with circles on it, and get closest to the middle circle. Now, I didn't hear this part in the reading of the clue but everyone gives this member of the team their passport and all their money. This should have been accompanied by dramatic music, since we'd all seen the promos and know some tool loses their passport and $$.

The Frats go to the wrong park.

Nick gets to the park, counts the monuments, goes to the bookstore and gets the right answer. bada-bing. He's off to the famous author's house where their partners are all waiting. The Cheaters argue the whole way in the cab to the cemetery. Tina Cheater wants Ken to tell the KGB agent to put out his cigarette. Ken refuses, just to piss her off. She close her eyes and puts her finger on her forehead to press Ken's image out of her head. As a result, storm clouds gather over the cab and by the time they get to the Roadblock it is raining. Tina doesn't want to chance having her eyebrows wash off, so she takes her time getting a raincoat out of her bag. This exasperates Ken. Tina counts the dead heads, and heads off.

Dallas goes into the park to count the Lenins and Stalins. Cut to mom who is waiting at the author's house and saying, "I paid a lot of money for his education, but I'm not sure he's gonna know how to tell the difference" . LOL. The funniest part is that she paid money to educate this monkey.

Dallas gets to the bookstore and gives the wrong answer, getting a 10 minute penalty. He counted 6 Stalins and 3 Lenins (but one was John), so he's never gonna get this combination right. Tina Cheater counts 5 Stalin and 2 Lenins, but she's not sure of the Stalins. She gets it wrong and gets a penalty. I lost track how many times Dallas got this wrong, but he and Tina Cheater compare notes and they figure out the right numbers. Tina helps Dallas with the higher math and, when she tells Ken Cheater, he gets all pissed off that she helped him. Seriously, these two needs meds.

Meanwhile, Nick and Starr get their next clue: find a lady in the park with a pony. LOL. Sounds like something illicit on an internet chat sight. I didn't realize Shetland ponies are Russian. Detour: take the rails or the lines. I gotta copy this one too cause it's so ridiculously complex:

In Ride the Rails, teams had to make their way on foot to the Sokol’niky Metro Station, where they had to catch the metro to Ulitsa 1905 and find a marked snack shop to receive a traditional pastry known as a samsa. The wrapper of the samsa would direct them to another train to Kitay-Gorod Station in order to find the statue dedicated to the man who created the Cyrillic alphabet (seriously, this is ridiculous and gratuitous information). In exchange for the pastry, a nearby babushka would hand teams a postcard with the name and picture of their final location, VNDKh Park Station.
In Ride the Lines, teams made their way on foot to a bus stop near Sokol’niky Park and hop on a trolley bus to a station called Krasndsel’skaya. Then, they had to find a key maker who would give them a storage locker key, before hopping on another trolleybus to a station called Rizhskaya. When they arrived, they had to search the station for a locker that matched their key, open it, and also retrieve a postcard with the name and picture of their final destination, VNDKh Park Station.

Got it? Ok, right about now Frats get to the right park and wisely get a real live Russian to help them figure out the monuments. They come up with 6 Stalins and 1 Lenins. He gets it wrong the first time.

And, now the moment we've all been dreading... when Dallas gets out of the cab at the author's apartment he leaves his money and passport in the cab. Now, this kind of pissed me off and if I had these 2 as MY pool pick I would have been freaking out, cause it seemed to me he didn't do much to stop the cab. I would have screamed like a banshee (seriously, when traveling outside the US I manically check and recheck my passport about every 10 seconds), and thrown my backpack at the back window of the cab. But, I guess he figured mommy would take care of it. Deep breath. Ok, so they figure they will still try to finish the Detour, but to save money, they take the subway instead of a cab as specified in the clue. Also, they panhandle the money for the subway with ease. Apparently Russian money is totally useless since everyone is willing to give it away.

Nick and Starr ride the rails with ease, commenting about a million times how living in NYC has come in handy. They finish easily and get their next clue to proceed to the Pitt stop where they are once again first and win trips to Anguilla. They are assured a spot in the final 3. I hate them.

Toni and Dallas and the Frats get to the Shetland Pony lady at the same time, but Toni and Dallas have to go back and take a cab instead of riding the subway. The Frats get their Speedbump, and with the challenges on this leg so far, I was dreading hearing what they had to do. Speedbump: they have to perform with Russian dancers. haha. You know the producers just made this up after seeing the marching. I thought this would be the end of them given the total lack of coordination of the one dude. They have to repeat it twice but finally finish.

Toni and Dallas borrow money and go back to the author's house where they also get money to take a cab, return to the Pony lady and start panhandling to ride the rails.

The Cheaters ride the lines but get on the wrong kind of bus. Keeeeeeennnnnn. God, her voice is killing me. The Frats do either the lines or the rails. Lines I think. By this time my head was hurting. Both teams end up at the station, Tina and Ken are kind of lost and arguing. The Frats spot the clue box and head on out to meet Phil. Frats are team number 2. Cheaters cheat and just see Phil and the mat and step on it. Phil tells them that they are team # 3 buuuuut, they missed the final clue. They panic and run all around the station. Fortunately for ME, Toni and Dallas are horribly behind. Cheaters step on the mat and get the final spot. (Ginnie: how big was the drama at your house??)

Phil gets tired of waiting for Toni and Dallas, so he goes out and finds them in the street and tells them it's all over. Toni cries, they both say "I love you" over and over again. I wonder what will happen with Starr and Dallas' romance??

Survivor Week 12

Ok, I really thought I already wrote this one up. I think I dreamed one that was probably WAY funnier.

Show started with a rehash of Randy's humiliation. Man, I could watch that all day. And, continued on the road to the camp with lots of yukking it up at Randy's expense. Bob finally had enough (which I think was more guilt than anything else) and told Sugar he was "pissed off at the belittling". But, Daaaaad, it's sooooo fun.

Corrine is mad. She jumps on Sugar too. She and Sugar go at it. Sugar has taking a lot more from worse people at the pole dancing joint. She takes Corrine to task for talking behind people's back. Corrine basically says, that's the game of Survivor. Cut to Corrine, "I'm in a camp of mutants. I'm NICE to people I like". Wow, how big is that pool of humanity?

Oh, the animal shots are back.

Bob and Ken go fishing. With Ken growing a pair for the first time in his life, Bob wants to explain the facts of life to him and tell him to always carry protection. At first I thought he meant condoms but I think he means you should always have a spare immunity idol in your pocket. Kenny tells the camera-"Bob doesn't know how to play Survivor". LOL. You KNOW this is going to bite him on the ass.

Challenge time. Survivors are divided into 2 teams of 3 people. They are tied together and have to go out through a swamp to get...wait for it.... sprocket puzzle pieces. I think Mark Burnett is trying to patent the sprocket, cause Jeff says it like every week. Ok, so they get the pieces, put them together and.......YES!! Raise a flag. Second round has the 3 winners going against each other with yet another puzzle. See, with America becoming so obese, they can no longer have challenges where people actually MOVE THEIR ASSES. Wanna know what you're playing for? Video's from home. Here, take a sample look on this SAMSUNG PHONE. We have Crystal's husband and child, Kenny's sister, Corrine's family and her brother-he must have had his 3rd eye removed as well, Bob's hot wife, Mattie's girlfriend and dog, Sugar's sister and someone for Suzie. I have to admit to a little teary eyes. The didn't show the video porn Jeff's girlfriend Julie sends him daily ON THE SAMSUNG PHONE.

Suzie and Crystal are captains, and everyone but Corrine is chosen. She has no chance of winning the video-oh it comes with pizza and beer. She wah wah wah's about how nobody likes her and she doesn't know why. Maybe it's because YOU ARE BITCH.

Ok, so the get all tied up, and make their way into the swamp, which is really swampy and everyone falls down. Sugar's top falls down and gets all pixilated. Anyway, Crystal, Bob and Sugar's team figures out how to work the sprocket (I am soooo into that word) and they raise their flag first. I'm guessing Kenny was confused because it was 3D and not on a computer screen. Second round is one of those puzzles we had as kids with 8 pieces in a 9 piece square, but bigger. Bob kicks it and wins the prize.

Bob wins reward, which Jeff now says is a Sprint phone. Either Samsung pulled the placement or it is a Samsung phone with Sprint service. Anyway, since Ford is now bankrupt and no cars are gonna be given out, they gotta make up some cash in phone service product placement.

So Bob sits down in the jungle couch (I wonder if, like in my house, he had to move the ass of an animal to sit down) and pours himself a beer. He's got the video of his wife going and she says, "wait, I have something to show you". I think Bob was thinking this was gonna get all porno but instead his wife popped out from behind a tree and surprised him. Bob is so friggin cute, although I swear he is starting to look like Tom Hanks in that movie with the volleyball. Anyway, she tells the camera that "Bob smelled sooo good (ok, she actually said smelt but I think that is a small fish)-like campfire. Yea, campfire, perspiration, 32 days of morning breath and unwashed ass. Hmmm, smells like spring in Iowa.

Bob and she go back to camp and meet everyone. Bob gives a whistle and all the other loved ones come over the hill. Aaahhhh, I'm crying now. Corrine hugs her brother-"he "gets" my sense of humor". Kenny talks strategy with his amazingly normal looking sister. Sugar and her hefty sister sit on the dock and throw some of her dad's ashes into the croc (the animal not the smelly shoes) infested water. Sugar has hobbit feet by the way. I was crying again.

Then, the dramatic music. No, not an animal kill, but Matty hugs and kisses his girlfriend Jamie (and again, I am so thinking of the socks on his teeth) and asks her to marry him. It's all romantic, what with the flies buzzing over head and all. He gives her a...wait for it..... fake immunity necklace as an engagement present. HUH, I was expecting that necklace from the Titanic movie. Like, is this the land of lucky charms and beads or what?? Man! Who knew Gabon was just one big AC Moore store. Fortunately they cut away, because the way the water buffalo looked scared and ran away, that dock was a rocking...if you know what I mean.....

Back to the game. Bob and Corrine talk about wanting to blind side Matty. The other 5 talk about getting rid of Bob. Bob tells Corrine that Marcus didn't really throw that immunity idol in the water, he hid it and Bob has it. She asks if it's real, and he tells her, alas it's not, but they should use that as a story to get some others to blind side Matty, thinking it's not worth voting for Corrine if these two have yet another idol. Yea, I'm thinking, what ahole is gonna fall for that move again??

Immunity Challenge: Gabon Questions, which you get balls for each right one that you subsequently throw at a friggin sheet with circles drawn on it.

1) Gorillas were discovered in Gabon...True. Corrine and Sugar get balls
2) The male elephant is called a bull, what is the female elephant called....a cow. Sugar, Suzie, Corrine and Bob get this
3) The gabonese viper (haha, I thought they meant Corrine) is poisonous but not to humans, true or false...False. Everyone but Suzie and Corrine get this.
4) The elephant trunk serves as it's nose, arm and mouth. False. Kenny, Matty, Sugar, Corrine and Bob get this right.

Balls are thrown. Bob wins immunity. Corrine is all wigged out that their lame ass plan is going to work.

Corrine tells Kenny about the idol. Remember, this was his idol until Matty or Marcus showed it to everyone. Kenny wants to blind side Matty, Bob and Corrine ask him to bring in Crystal. Corrine to the camera- "it just shows the level of incompetence we're dealing with". Corrine wants Matty to go, not Corrine.

Bob talks to Crystal, offers her final 4 if she takes out Matty. Kenny and Crystal rejoice in the jungle with their plan to get Matty out, AND get Corrine to use the idol. They decide to split their votes so Corrine gets 4, Matty gets 3, Corrine pulls out the idol and Matty is gone.

Tribal council. Randy is in a green shirt, not the devil costume I was expecting. Lots of blabbing about trust, when to break with your allegiance, paranoia, blah blah blah. Really Jeff, although you are in that hot hot hot dark blue shirt, and without a baseball cap, enough with the psychology. The votes are cast. Anyone want to play an immunity idol? Slowly Corrine shakes her head. Corrine is voted on to the jury of hell.

Survivor Gabon: Rehash show

In case you were in a turkey coma and missed it, I watched the Survivor reheat show. Some new footage, some stuff from their interview tapes. It's narrated by Jeff, who says "it's a true underdog story" like he's auditioning to play King Lear at the summer stock Shakespeare Festival.

Audition Tapes:

-There's some strange thing with Ace-hole in a suite on a beach.
-Randy's tape shows him sitting in front of an urn with his dead dog's remains. "I've only loved one thing in my life, my dog. Dogs rule, people suck". He's also playing with a knife and what looks like a huge steak, surrounded by pictures of his dog.
-Bob is in his school cafeteria saying how good he would be eating bugs and stuff cause he's eaten crap in the cafeteria for years. Before he finished his sentence, the lunchroom lady cracks him on the head and takes him down. Hilarious.
-Susie says that if chosen, she needs to take her tweezers so she doesn't come home with a beard and mustache. I hear ya 45 year old sister.
-Matty: "I was put on the planet for Survivor".

Hey, I never knew there was a Marcus and Jackie romance that made Corrine mad. Seriously, half of this episode is anger management, which is really what survivor is all about.

New scenes:

-Matty makes everyone stand around the campfire and sing "Jamie's a really good fellow" to celebrate his girlfriend's birthday. Afterwards, he's talking about getting engaged or something and Randy tells him he's never suffered any of the losses Randy has. Like what, Randy? Randy gets all emotional talking about how his dog (a big black dog named Johnson-you do the pop psychology on THAT one) died 5 years ago. He's gonna get another dog when he gets home so he will have someone to tell about his Survivor experience. That should send fear through the animal shelters.

Hey, did anyone ever notice that Bob wears crocs? They have crocs in Iowa?? I wonder if you can smell them all the way across Africa? (Note: anyone looking for a cheap high, go to the croc store in the Limerick outlets and inhale. There are like, 10,000 pairs of crocs in there giving off croc gasses. Seriously, my head hurt in 2 minutes)

Replay of the time Kota won reward and got helicoptered to a picnic. It's hilarious cause it's a "high end picnic" and Corrine is freaking out that no one knows what the food is. "It's a freakin gerkin, for god sake". She goes ballistic cause no one knows what pate is, or proscuitto or blue cheese. Close up: "I'd rather be serving up poison to these people". WOW. I hope her parole officer is watching this.

Answer to my question: Sugar made new clothes out of the rug in the Exile Island hut.

Not sure this is a new scene, but I must have missed the part where Sugar decided to educate Corrine on her negative outlook on life. She's telling Corrine that "everything you say is noted" and you probably don't realize what a friggin bitch you are. Corrine just sits there but later EXPLODES to Randy "I'm not going to take a lesson from a non-college educated out of work waitress who lives on the goodness of people. I hate people who live on the goodness of people" (haha-this is my favorite line cause I could see me ranting this a few years ago when I was a big fat executive). "At the least, I'll be able to control the jury and 'this is how the lesson goes, bitch'". WOW. Did I mention her audition tape has her in a bikini yammering on and on about how she went to the University of Florida (ivy league? I think not) on a full scholarship and finished in 3 years. Cause, probably, they wanted her gone too.

The episode finished up with a replay of the Randy cookie incident and his exit. Just as good the third time around.

Back to the real show Thursday night!

Survivor Week 10

First of all, if you have not watched this episode, run DO NOT WALK over to www.cbs.com and watch it. Seriously, it may be the best episode of survivor ever aired.

Nightfall over on NoBAG, Kenny, Crystal and Sugar are rejoicing in their surprise attack on Charlie, which basically ruins Corrine and Randy's alliance. Come morning and Randy and Corrine are spitting nails. They go for a walk and just keep repeating to each other, "I HATE ALL OF THEM". "Yea, me too, and I don't think we should hide our hatred anymore". "Yea, me too". Then they sit down on logs and nod their heads and bang their cymbals together. They decide their only hope is to work on Leonardo.

Hey, it just occurred to me that the animals must have gone back to the Gabon zoo cause I haven't seen many lately. Must be the smell keeping them away.

Tree mail: Auction time. Each player gets $500. Note: Jeff is wearing a blue shirt and a green baseball cap. Not doing it for me.

First item: Beer and Peanuts. Randy jumps all over this, being an alcoholic. Sugar bids it up knowing how much Randy wants it. Randy wins it and sucks the beer down. Niiiice. Always good to be drunk during a strategic auction.

Item 2 is a mystery item. Kenny and the always hungry Randy bid it up. Randy runs out of money and Kenny gets it. It's a note: send one person to Exile and take their money. Kenny sends Bob back and takes his cash.

Item 3 is a mystery as well. Randy bids again. Sugar steps in at the last minute and bids slightly more than Randy has and gets herself peanut butter and chocolate.

Item 4 is a bath and a clean set of clothes. Unfortunately Bob is off to exile cause this would have been an excellent prize for him. Suzie buys herself a bath and gets in the tub. She doesn't stay in that long, murmurs something about it being too hot but I think Randy was leering at her.

Item 5 is a hamburger and fries, which Leonardo wolfs down.

Item 6 is another mystery. Randy must have smelled alcohol cause he bids for it and wins it. Spaghetti, garlic bread and wine. I didn't see this but I think he threw the food down and just inhaled the wine.

Item 7: a sealed note in a bottle that will give a big advantage. Corrine throws her whole $500 into it cause, "nothing taste as good as $500, unless it's a million dollars". Isn't that the weight watchers slogan??

Item 8: something for the whole tribe for $20. Randy coughs up the $20 first and gets a plate of choc chip cookies. And, therein commences the great Cookie Fight. Randy: "Jeff, if I wanted to I could eat this whole plate" Jeff: "No, you ahole, I just said it's for the whole tribe". Randy offers Sugar a cookie. She demurs. everyone else gets a cookie, Corrine gets one and a half. Randy finally offers the last cookie, "his cookie" to Sugar who takes it and gives it to Leonardo. Randy HATES SUGAR. He sits on a log, nods his head and bangs his cymbals.

Back at camp, Leonardo (I SWEAR acting dumb) thanks Sugar for the cookie, "That was the most righteous gift anyone has ever given me". Man, Christmas must suck at the DiCaprio house. Randy blows himself up and makes sure Leonardo knows that THAT COOKIE CAME FROM HIM, AND HE IS THE COOKIE FAIRY, DAMMIT. Randy, "I left the auction full, broke, half drunk and pissed off. Just the way I like to live my life". He's gonna BURN THIS HOUSE DOWN IN THE NEXT DAY OR SO.

Hold tight, wait till this party's over
Hold tight, we're in for nasty weather

Three hundred sixty five degrees
Burning down the house

Bob goes for the clue again on Exile. It's the same clue so he decides to go on his own safari. Lots of Lion King music during this respite from the evils of hell over on Nobag.

Nobag: everyone wants Randy gone. Leonardo lobbies for Bob instead. Sugar thinks Leo is really playing the game. They all agree on Bob.

Corrine and Randy hatch a plot. Randy decides to crash and burn all day, fight with everyone and make everyone vote for him. How is this a new plan?? They think that since Bob definitely is out finding the idol, the tribe will all vote for Randy, Corrine, Randy and Bob will vote for Susie, Randy pulls the idol out and Susie is gone.

Randy: "Leo, you've whored yourself out to these people". Everyone is disgusted with him and want him off. Randy is "happy with where he's sitting".

Immunity challenge: balance beam race carrying 3 bags of puzzle pieces. Enough with the damn puzzle pieces. Corrine gets to skip right to the puzzle. Arrange the puzzle blocks like dominoes and set them off. They have to go to the end and raise a flag. Leo, Kenny and Corrine in the final part. Kenny sets his blocks up from the flag end back, not the other way around. Hey, you don't think an Asian gamer is going to lose this one, do you?? This gets all bogged down and boring, but at the end of the day Kenny wins immunity.

Bob goes into the jungle with Sugar. He tells her he doesn't have the idol. She tells Bob he can vote whoever he wants but he should vote for Randy. But I have another plan.... I think there is a real Sugar/Bob alliance here that people are overlooking. Bob is just the kind of guy to fall for a pole dancer and leave his wife and children out in Iowa somewhere. Sugar tells Bob that she thinks Randy would fall for the idol. Man, Bob without his shirt on looks like a science model for the circulatory system. All veins and arteries. Ugh. Sugar on the other hand is getting fat from all the snickers bars the crew is sneaking her for lap dances. Corrine meets up with Bob out in the wild, says, " I assume you found the idol" Bob kinda nods. She goes on in rapid fire saying "the best thing to do is to give it to Randy". Bob's in the biker shorts again. He agrees, she tells him she loves him but in a "love ya, mean it" kind of way.

Bob shows Randy the idol. Um, where did he get the resin beads for the idol? Michaels?? Randy acts all cool, which is a surprise since I expected him to lunge across the hut and kill Bob for the idol. "It's your call, Bob". "Well, since you are a total a-hole and have pissed everyone off, maybe I should give it to you" " I love what you're thinking, man". This is like bad porn dialog, isn't it??

What the F is with Randy's buff head? Seriously, he has the most misshapen head. Must be the evil building up on top of his skull. God I hope his family is on the reunion show. It's like the coneheads go on reality TV. I expect a mean Jane Curtain to be his mom.

Randy unwraps the idol. "Looks like an immunity idol to me". Sugar tells Kenny and hostile looking Crystal, "tonight is going to be the funkiest night of your life. Wait for it".

Tribal. Jeff brings up the cookie incident. Randy is still pissed she took "his" cookie. Jeff is really laying it on thick. Susie, why is the cookie incident so significant? Susie " I feel sorry for Randy". Randy gets pissed again. Jeff: Corrine sounds like Randy went off. Crystal, is the tension ramping up? hahah HELL YES. Any chance Randy is playing the game? LOTS of arrogant smarmy shots of Randy looking like an evil Smurf. Randy, are you worried tonight? " 30 days is pretty good but I want to stay"

Time to vote. Everyone whispers about what a loser alcoholic bigot Randy is as they vote. Crystal does it in full voice so that everyone can hear her. Even the jury cracks up.

"If anyone has the immunity idol and wants to play it, now would be the time to do so" "Well, Jeff, I happen to have a nice piece of happiness in my pocket." Corrine looks smug. Everyone else who knows Sugar has it is dying. "The rules state that if an idol is played, that person is immune. This.....is.......not.....an.....immunity idol...... Randy's head practically swivels off. Corrine just stares at Bob. Everyone else is dying.

THE KING OF GABON IS DEAD.

Survivor Week 9

At the end of last week, Marcus had been blindsided. Kenny realizes he has power on this team, having orchestrated the last couple of surprise hits. You can almost see him growing a pair as the show progresses. Bob says, in his camera closeup, "if we don't merge, I'm history. Even though I teach science. Get it?? yuk yuk"

Day 25-another day in Fang paradise with no rice and no fire. I wonder if Crystal dropped the rice on the fire and put it out??

Tree mail (early in the show I think...): A golf flag and a slingshot. Say it with me, "hey, it's probably going to be slingshot golf". Walking to the challenge, Corrine says, "I just want to see Marcus..." da da da dum. Batten down the hatches, hurricane Corrine's about to blow. In walks the Kota tribe and the Jeffster remarks, "say hi to the new Marcus-lite Kota tribe". Corrine is pissed, says, "he didn't deserve it". Which makes people wake up and say, "wait, nobody deserves it", which Corrine thinks is purely bullshit since there's still a 47 year old woman WITH NOTHING ON HER left.

The challenge is indeed slingshot golf. 3 holes, teams use a slingshot to shoot the ball into the big hole. Wanna know what you're playing for? FINALLY!!!!! The gabonese screen actors guild was able to come up with some authentic gaboners in authentic gaboner garb, and the winners get to eat, dance and, wait-did Jeff say they also get to sleep with the gaboners??? HOLY CRAP, what a hell of a reward. Um, Jeff, any chance it also comes with condoms?? Ok, the challenge. Corrine sits out again. How come the 47 year old woman is always in the challenges but Corrine always sits out??

I was gonna go hole by hole, shot by shot, but that's too boring. It all comes down to the final shot on the final hole, with Fang up with Randy and Charlie holding the slingshot and Leonardo di Caprio (aka Matty-try to keep up people) shooting. They are about an inch outside the hole, and Randy decides to offer up an endless stream of assistance to Leonardo, which is totally friggin annoying. Leo finally just drops the ball into the hole and Fang wins immunity. Randy is still arguing about how to do it about 5 minutes after the end. Shot to Randy: " I hate Matty (he hasn't noticed he looks like Leonardo yet)". Bob gets sent to Exile.

Over at the authentic gabon village (brought to you by Scotts Miracle Village Grow), the authentic gaboners start by giving the fangers a bath. It wasn't part of the original reward but these dudes stink. Afterwards they are all decked out in gaboner clothing and are led to the table. One little girl holds Corrine's hand and Corrine states, "I can't imagine why she chose me-most kids scream 'she's a witch' and run away". Corrine, Randy and Charlie cry about losing Marcus. After dinner, it's on to the dancing. Sugar is like, "where do y'all keep the pole?" Randy thinks that one of the girls is hitting on him, which is a first in 20 years. The big scarlet KP he's required by law to wear on his forehead usually scares them away. KP=kiddie porn, in case you haven't been reading my summaries...

On Kota, Ken has the boat stuck on a piece of wood and he is paddling around and around in circles. LOL. Metaphoric? He finally gets himself out of the jam and returns to camp with fish. He's all proud of himself and thinks he has the game figured out. He is however wondering when the spaceships are going to start shooting down from above, and how to jump to the next level.

Bob is on exile. Hey, can I just say he looks kind of hot in his swimtrunks? They're kind of tight, not jams. He searches for the idol, and I'm hoping there really was a second one. But, alas, he figures Sugar already has one so he whittles himself a fake one. " “It’s sort of like when you’re holding up a bank. You don’t necessarily need a gun, but if they think you’ve got a gun, they might leave you alone.” Yea, and you get to escape the "armed robbery" charge.
Back to the camps, tree mail: "be the best firestarter you can be". Randy goes off on Crystal, calls her a sasquash (was that racist??), he hates her. Yea, her and everyone else dude. He laughs and laughs about how she can't start a fire for shit.

They get to the challenge and Jeff tells them this is for individual immunity and that they are now merged. They get blue buffs. They each get flint, steel and firemaking stuff. Gotta make a fire and burn through a string. No need to really describe this challenge cause we've seen it before. Susie is the first to get flames. She gets it going before Sugar also gets fire. NOBODY ELSE GETS A SPARK. Swagger dick Randy? All talk, no spark. Susie wins immunity relatively easily.

Back at the new Fang, there's rice, beans, coffee and other stuff. Everyone eats and then darts into the woods to start strategizing. Randy wants Crystal gone. It's basically 4-4 with Sugar as the tie breaker. Everyone works Sugar over. Sugar tells Corrine she hates Randy. Corrine says, let's get rid of Crystal first them we can get rid of Randy next. Corrine tries to be all sympathetic. Afterwards, “Sugar is so weak and naïve and gullible. I’ve been nasty to her for twenty-five days. I was nice to her one day and she’s sold. So it doesn’t make sense that she buys it ‘cause she’s such a moron.” God I hate Corrine. Crystal, Kenny, Leo and Susie want Charlie gone. Kenny is still mad about that idol he found the clue for at the last feast and Charlie shared it with everyone.

Oh, they decide to call the tribe NOBAG. Man, I could do so much with this.

Tribal: Dr. Jeff asks his probing questions. Randy cracks me up by saying, that, at the reward challenge, if everyone would have listened to his suggestions, Fang would have made each shot ten times out of ten. Dude, that long lasting OCD patch is wearing out. Crystal jumps on him and the 2 go at it. Randy says he is still mad at the way she and GC ran the original Fang tribe. Now, frankly, this is so racist I can't believe they are allowing it. Seriously, he compares the way they ran Fang like a posse and a gang. Jeff: Charlie, are the vocal people idiots? Hell yes, Jeff. Charlie even castigates Randy to stop and think before he talks. Jeff: Sugar, is there any drawback to being away having sex with me on Exile so much? Sugar, "well, aside from the bad sex, Jeff, I don't like to talk crap about people". They vote. Jeff reads the votes. Randy uses initials which totally pisses Jeff off (plus, he's tweaked about that lousy sex comment). Sugar goes along with the underdogs and votes Charlie off.

Survivor Gabon, Week 8

So, I'm flying solo today with only my scribbled notes to guide me. CBS.com doesn't have the recap on it so I have to try to remember what the heck I was writing about. Which is OK, since half of you probably have already forgotten what went down in Gabon last week.

Day 22 and still no LIVE AUTHENTIC GABONERS. What's up with that?

Over at Kota, Randy is mad at Susie cause she laughed at Randy's comment about Dan going. Randy has anger management issues. Corrine and Susie continue their fight, especially since Susie told Jeff at tribal that Corrine was a lazy ass. Cut to the close up of Corrine" "What could a 47 year old possibly have over me". OOOOOOOH. Them's fighting words from this 46 year old.

Over on Fang, Matty's unhappy about Ace (cause I think their engagement is now over), and worried about trusting Crystal. All are hoping for a merge.

Back to Kota: and more of Corrine bitching. Calls herself "extremely vindictive". Really? Gosh, you hide it so well. I just love when people like this come on this game and then get all whacked out when people ACTUALLY PLAY THE GAME.

Tree mail: "brand new tribe" and a beach party. Could this be the awaited merge or another mind game?

The two tribes assemble for a big old feast. Lots of food and apparently LOTS of drink. There's a box that says, "don't open until you are totally done scarfing down the food". So, they proceed to scarf away. Kenny see a note under the box that has the words immunity clue on it and tries to be all cool about it. Charlie shares it with everyone. In what can only be drunken bravado, they all decide they don't need no stinking immunity idol and "set it adrift". Randy digs it up ("I knew when I saw that strange tree on the beach that it had an immunity idol buried under it") and they talk about it being "the apple in eden". Repeat this phrase about 10 times and you will know how ridiculous this part is.

Randy is hammered. I always think this is a good move on Survivor. Get totally hammered and then be all hung over at the next challenge. Randy is laying on the beach in his dreamed about if only they'd ask Playgirl position, wine glass in hand (and, dude, were they drinking friggin white zinfandel??? ) proclaiming himself King of Gabon. LOL. That is going to come as a big shock to the Gaboners.

Ok, so they open the magic box. It has 2 parts. One is a bag of numbered stones. The other part is a bag of new buffs and they are divided into new tribes. DAMN. Fang is now Randy, Charlie, Corrine, Sugar and Matty; Kota is now Bob, Marcus, Susie, Kenny and Crystal. Lots of endless discussion of how there are 3 of the old Kota alliance on each tribe.

So, back at camp, Marcus finds out that one of his good friends is Crystal's cousin and they do a little bonding. Had this been on abc, you would have heard "it's a small world" played in the background. Marcus now likes Crystal, cause she can't be all bad and be related to his friend. He's not sure he can vote her off now. Crystal has no problem with it.

On Fang, Corrine wants Matty out (i forget why). Anyone else notice that Matty is a friggin dead ringer for Leonardo DiCaprio? In fact, I'm going to start calling him Leonardo from now on. Charlie doesn't trust Randy. Leonardo (aka Matty-you following?) tells Sugar that Kenny and Crystal duped her into thinking Ace didn't have her best interests in hand and that Ace would have never gotten rid of her. Frankly, this is English wonk shit, but Sugar buys it and gets all teary eyed.

Susie is now in the power position. She wants top 3 and asks Marcus to promise her that. Marcus has a hard time with that since he has her at about top 6.

Tree mail. This next challenge is sponsored by Viagra. Vivaaaaaaaaa Viagra. The challenge is called "keep it up" (GET IT, HUH HUH??). Survivors have to hold their hands out palm down and have a pole on each hand that goes up to a platform. They have to stand that way until the last person is out. This apparently really hard cause Crystal, the OLYMPIAN, lasts 1 second. Sugar lasts 10. Susie, Randy and Corrine go out next. It comes down to Leonardo and Bob. Leonardo is being a total smart ass and the Probster is trying to warn him not to screw around. Lots of images of Leonardo's poles getting PERILOUSLY close to the edge of the platform. Bob shifts once and his poles fall. Leonardo and Fang win immunity!!

Kota has to go to tribal. Swagger dick that he is, Randy shoots his mouth off that he doesn't really care that they won immunity.

At Kota, Crystal works on Susie to get rid of Marcus. Susie tells her Marcus promised her final 3. Say what? Are you a crazy white lady or something? He can't deliver final 3.

Tribal. Probst begins by asking Crystal what it’s like for her and Ken to spend time with Kota. She says Kota camp is like corporate espionage – you wear the suit but don’t know what’s going on in people’s heads. But at Fang, it’s the projects. Kenny makes a plea. I guess he was the other one on the chopping block. Bob: "tonight's vote is a clear cut decision". Time to vote. Apparently Susie believed Crystal 'cause Marcus or Marc-ACE as Kenny writes it, is the next survivor to go.

Head on back to camp.

Amazing Race Week 5

Thank you, cbs.com for putting the entire episode online this year and saving my ass, since my VCR crapped out on me. This summary is being done in real time as I watch.

Where did we leave the race? Oh yeah, New Zealand with the Cheaters in first and Starr nursing an injured arm. Teams have to fly to Cambodia and find a gas pumping place for their next clue.

At the Auckland airport there's a "Flight Centre" area where you can apparently check on all flights. Not sure if this really exists or if it's something Travelocity put in just for the show. Cheaters find out there are only 2 flights available, the first at 12:25 pm to Singapore. "Oooh, Terence and Sarah might not make it". Cut to Terence and Sarah driving down the highway and getting pulled over for doing 117 in a 100 zone. Sarah: "Damn, that surprises me 'cause I always thought you drove like a little old woman". T/S get to the airport and are able to make the INTERNATIONAL FLIGHT with only minutes to spare. Huh. How is that even possible and, is it me, or is there no security checkpoints OR OTHER TRAVELERS in Auckland??

Nick and Starr leave the pitt. Starr's arm is amazingly healed. Andrew and Dan leave the pitt "Where the hell is Cambodia??"

Next flight leaves at 4:55 pm. Trouble in the Flight Center as Kelly and Christy mock Dallas's hair, now calling him Teen Wolf. Man, I know I went to high school with these bitches' mothers. These 2 teams plus Nick and Starr get on the second flight. Andrew and Dan are trying to book it, Dan is dancing around all happy when they agent tells him it's doubtful. Hey, where were these oh so friggin helpful ticket agents, calling the gate and stuff, when I used to travel?? Clearly we are not using American Airlines for this leg of the race. No chance of getting on today's flights. Meanwhile, Aja and Ty are still driving to the airport.

Commercial break

Once we're back, Andrew and Dan manage to ask the ticket agent (and, again, there are no friggin people in this airport) at Emirates Airlines and lo and behold, they do make the flight. I wonder if Emirates flies to Seattle??

The second flight catches up with the first in Singapore. Aja and Ty use their time arguing about why Aja has to ask for a kiss. Well, if you have to ask...

Taxi race to wing wang road (or something like that). Kelly and Christy's driver takes them to a gas station, where they run around yelling "Clue Box" and someone points them to the restroom. So, next time you are in Cambodia and have to pee, just start yelling "Clue Box". Once at the gas station, teams have to chose a truck and use possibly the most unsafe method I have ever friggin seen to fill the gas tanks with 25 gallons of diesel. Seriously, this is whack. I think it might be safer to suck the gas up the tube with your mouth and then fill the tank.

Nick and Starr get there first and finish first, Kelly and Christie are touring all of the gas stations in Cambodia. Teams now have to go to ying yang something or other, which is SE Asia's biggest lake (haha, like we all didn't already know that!) and take some crappy looking boat to a floating restaurant.

Andrew and Dan, of course can't get their thingy to pump. Don't know why cause it looks like a damn big old keg. Ken: "dudes, it's just like pulling down the zipper and letting it fly". And, now we know why he's called the Cheater. Toni and Dallas done, Cheaters are done, Terence and Sarah done.

Aja and Ty just now arrive in Cambodia, which seems really fast to me.

Kelly and Christie, done. Frats still scratching their asses. Dan gets it going finally.

Big boat race to the restaurant, following a big flat bed truck race to the boats. Cheaters keep getting passed. Aja and Ty seem to be catching up but who knows with the editing. Ah, finally, time out for the "wow these people are living in poverty" speech, this one by Kelly/Christie. I mean, there's not even a Nordstroms for miles. God, I hope they don't have to eat anything here. Terence and Sarah's boat breaks down right near the restaurant. Terence rows. Hey, Sarah, get your fat ass back and row.

Detour: Village life or Village Work. Village life-teams have to pick up 3 items. For some reason, a pair of joke teeth from the dentist, a doll from the tailor and a basketball, which each member has to shoot into a basket. Here I thought Village life was hard! in Village work, teams wade in the muddy water to a fishing area, search among the traps for a trap with fish in it and transfer the fist into baskets back at the dock. Um, I think it's a no brainer myself.

For some reason only the cheaters do the life thing, Nick/Starr and Toni/Dallas do the work thing which is looking harder. Can I just say again, that Toni is so under the radar but so tough. Terence and Sarah do life since they stumble upon the basketball court. Kelly and Christie come upon the basketball court and see the Cheaters so they decide to start throwing baskets. "Wait, do we need to find, like a clue box or something Kelly?" Frat boys do the fishing thing. This should be good.

After the detour, teams have to go to Ankhor something and find some temple. Roadblock (big shock there). One member has to search the grounds for a room called the echo chamber and thump their chests to make the echo. Nick gets it first, and it's on to the pitt. Nick lies to Mrs. Cheater on the way out in the most religious site in Cambodia. Niiiiice. Cheater woman walks in and out of the chamber, like twice. How the heck did she catch her husband cheating if she's so blind?? She finally finds the clue (did she thump her chest??) and then can't find her way out.

Team # 1-Nick and Starr. They win a trip to St. John, USVI.

Frats arrive at the temple. "Oh, look at that, it's the original Playboy Mansion".

It comes down to a race between the frats and Aja and Ty through some other temple, and Aja and Ty are the last team to arrive and are eliminated. Phil, playing Dr. Phil, asks, "so what's next? Do you hate each other?" No, Ty is moving to be with Aja. Awwwwwww. I give it 3 months.

Survivor Gabon Week 6

Ok, so Matty starts the episode sitting around carving his girlfriend a ring. Ace sits around jawboning about who he will lure into his alliance: "I just don't know who will be my potential Benedict Arnold." GAG. Who says shit like this??? Then he and Ace make a promise to stick together. I didn't catch if Matty actually gave Ace the ring to seal the promise and thereby getting himself engaged to the faux Englishman.

If it's Survivor, it must be all about rice. Dan eats too much of it and people are getting a little hot. Corrine is mad about the rice. Same thing over at Fang.

Ace corners Sugar and tells her in his smarmy English accent everyone knows she has the idol. Then, he lets this HUGE silence fill the hut. And, as anyone who has ever worked with someone with an English accent knows, he could have been reading the phone book and Sugar would have thought him jolly brilliant. So, to fill in the void, she offers him the idol to hold from her. Weeeeeelllllll, geee, I dunno about that Sugar. I gueeeeeeesssss I could HOLD it for you. He puts it in his pants and now has 2 precious idols in there. Oh, Sugar is wearing the leopard bathing suit today. She says to the camera, "I know he's a snake, but he's my snake".

Speaking of snakes (man, how do they get these people to just happen to say the perfect segways?) it's time for reward challenge. Chase the snake. Which, isn't what I was thinking it was going to be, darn it. Teams run around in a circle carrying a 200 lb snake and one team has to catch the other.

Fang sucks at this game. Sugar and Kelly drop out almost immediately. The Olympian goes out next. For Kota, Susie drops out about half of the way around the track. The rest keep up a great pace, including Orville in his buff bow tie. Man, can I just mention that he stays in the background because he is absolutely covered with dirt? It ends up being Matty and Ace carrying the snake getting chased by most of Kota. As Jeff says, "Not even close". OH, crap, I forgot. WANNA KNOW WHAT YOU'RE PLAYING FOR? Cheese danish and coffee/tea. Kota gets the food and gets to eat some in front of Fang. Crystal is in tears of frustration at losing again. Randy has the balls so say "wah wah wah" and grovel at how much he loves to win. Sugar gets sent to exile and cries at how unfair it is she gets to eat fruit while her tribe starves. Hey, do we know for sure that there is only one idol hidden??

Kota, leery about Dan's tapeworm, decides to split the pastries so people can eat them when they want. Dan SUCKS his down and wants to know what time dinner is. Um, ya just ate it you a-hole.

Kelly apparently hates tears cause she's all over Crystal for crying in front of Fang and showing her weakness. Which is rich considering NO ONE SHOWS THEIR WEAKNESS like lazy ass Kelly. Kelly and Ace go into the woods to talk about the crying incident (and, can I say it's not like she cried and dropped to the ground and did the 3 stooges roll in a circle tantrum). What pisses me off is Ace saying Sugar cries from emotion, which is not the same thing as Crystal's crying.

Kota catches a turtle and cooks it up (oh PETA....). For their sake I hope the next challenge comes with Rolaids. Randy-"slurp slurp I wuv this, grunt slurp" CLASS.

Immunity Challenge: teams are split into 3's, tethered, and they have to run into the jungle over and under some bamboo shit and untie a couple of pieces of a flagpole, which they have to put together at the end.

First up: Randy and Bob vs Sugar and Kelly. No contest. Kelly stops on the way back to look for some 4 leaf clovers. Next up, Corrine and Charlie vs Ace and Crystal. Ace keeps saying "come on" to Crystal but I notice Crystal is always in the lead of the 2. Ace gets whacked with the flagpoles but they make up some time. Finally, Dan and Marcus take on Matty and Ken. Matty and Ken kick ass and pass Kota. (note: anyone catch Jeff running along side to call the challenge? It was pretty funny) The 2 teams are neck and neck but Ace-hole has to put it together himself and Kota wins immunity.

Fang has to do the manipulations again. Crystal hates Ace and wants him out. Ace wants Kelly to go home. Matty wants to flush the idol out of Sugar but Ace stares him down and says "we don't have to worry about that wink wink". Crystal figures out that Matty is a fairy who keeps running back to Ace telling him everything everyone is saying. Ken goes after Sugar and has a conversation with her in the jungle (this from a man who couldn't hold a conversation with a woman on week 1) and she tells him she gave the idol to Ace. "Was that wrong? Should I get it back?" Um, HELL YES. Sugar takes the idol back and tells Ace she now has it. "You don't mind do you?" He now has no hard idols in his pants.

Tribal Council. Sugar is wearing her full out cat suit. How does she keep her clothes clean and how come she has so many of them? And, is it really wise to run around the jungle in animal print??

Jeff gives his instant pop psych diagnosis of no teamwork. Crystal almost has a seizure getting out that Ace wouldn't let anyone help with the flagpole. Kelly goes on about Crystal crying again, says "I didn't say it's a sign of weakness, I said it's a sign on being unstable". WHOA. Kelly throws Ace under the bus saying, "Ace said it too". Ace tells her "I'm surprised you understood anything I said". OOOOHHHHHH. But, if I can digress for one second here. PEOPLE, THE WORD IS FRUSTRATED NOT FUSTRATED. God, that just gets up my ass when people say that word wrong. Same with NUCLEAR but for god sake, let's not get into politics here.

In the end, Kelly (or Kelli as Ace spells it) is the 6th person votes out of Gabon.

Survivor Gabon: Week 4/5

OK, so the official CBS site has this as episode 5, which means week one was episode 1 and 2. And, if you care about those things, for total accuracy sake (and this summary is nothing if not accurate), I'll call it 5.

First off, we need more Probst this season. Write to your congressmen. He or She will probably be happy for a non-robocall complaint letter this season anyway.

Night 12. Ace is yammering on about Jacque going, and, wait, HIS ACCENT IS TOTALLY GONE. LOL. You damn poser. Sugar returns the next morning, all sunshine and light, and immediately explains that she spent the night in the Sugar Shack instead of looking for the idol. DING DING DING. Crystal's head whips around and she's convinced she has the idol.

Over on Kota Orville Redenbacker bags an electric fish. They also catch 5 other fish (which is it me or is someone calling them Tilapia?) and Randy think it's Thanksgiving. But, then again, maybe when you are in jail for Kiddie Porn over the holiday they do serve you fish.

This episode is brought to you by the Elephant Council. On Fang, Mattie finds an elephant and brings the whole tribe down to the water to ooh and aaah. Ace and Joey kayak out to get in this massive elephant's face. I don't know about you but I was friggin hoarse from yelling, "Kill the fake English one".

Reward Challenge: Fruit Toss. Wanna know what you're playing for" A friggin herb garden. Yea, that'll bring the wildlife a little closer to camp, won't it Jeff? So, basically in this challenge one person stands in front of a net with a pole and the other team has to throw fruit through the hole without it getting whacked. Man, HOW DO THEY THINK OF THIS STUFF??

The challenge goes pretty much the way you would think, one highlight being Ace getting whacked by a pineapple. Kota figures out to throw multiple pieces of fruit at once to confound the fruit whacker. Fang ends up with 16 lbs of fruit, Kota 18. Kota gets the herbs and sends Sugar back to exile. As she leaves, she tells Jeff "I already know the way", and probably also mouths-"and so do you big boy". Sugar fills herself up on.....fruit on Exile.

High on some herb, Dan gets all emphatic that the new Kota has to stay together against the evil Fang. It's kind of an uncomfortable moment. You can kind of see why he's a washed up lawyer.

On Fang, Crystal slips into mommy mode and while fighting with GC, she just keeps saying, "eat your rice". I kept waiting for the second part of that statement "cause there are kids starving in Africa" but they probably edited it out. Ace is observing this like the slimy fake limey he is.

Tree Mail: Some kind of gravity challenge. GC ain't used to all these damn white people and their talking and shit, so he takes the boat out and disappears. OOOOOH, maybe this is the death and dismembering episode. But, no, he returns just as the pissed off tribe is about to leave for the challenge.

Immunity Challenge: Human Pinball. Teams throw big Martha Stewart balls down a hill and into blindfolded team members who, with the help of a "caller" have to deflect the balls. Ace and Sugar are one blocking team and Dan/Randy are another. Sugar apparently has soured on Ace, as she totally sucks at this challenge. At one point, Ace gets hit with Dan's shield and falls to the ground crying like the damn English boarding school fairy he is. Dan and Randy rock it and, with a little help from a fake call from Randy, they win immunity.

Over on Fang, someone has to go. GC decides it's a little too hard out there for a pimp and begs to go. Crystal does a little bag sniffing and finds the idol in Sugar's bag. They talk up a good game about getting rid of Sugar now when she least expects it, but eventually GC is just too friggin annoying to keep around.

Bye GC.

Amazing Race Week 3

Hootergate! This episode starts with the strangest accusations I've heard since my last McCain robocall. Christy accuses Starr of pushing her sports bra off the ledge at the last pitt stop. Christy and Kelly vow revenge. Um, I didn't think Christy's boobs were so big that the lack of a sports bra would disqualify them, but I maybe it was her lucky sports bra?

Teams must now fly to La Paz (not to be confused with La Pez, where everyone's neck spits out candy), which Phil informs us IS LITERALLLY BREATHTAKING. Once in La Paz, they have to find one of the many Simon Bolivar statues and wait for the morning paper delivery.

No airport drama this time around so we get lots if time for the teams to give their interviews. I go and get another beer at this point. Teams arrive in La Paz and find the traffic island with the Simon Bolivar statue. You know it's the right one because a woman IN WHAT IS TRADITIONAL BOLIVIAN GARB CIRCA 1950 hands them an AUTHENTIC BOLIVIAN BLANKET and they all settle down for a homeless sleepover.

Morning and everyone is putting on makeup and getting all gelled up for another day on TV. Nick takes the divorcees aside and tries to smooth things over with them related to hootergate. You immediately see WHY Christy and Kelly are divorced, when they still think Starr de-bra'd them at the last pitt stop. Nick walks away, no doubt muttering "bit^&s".

Sarah and Terence have decided to do a manage a trois and bring in a local girl to share in their miserable relationship. The newspapers are delivered and teams have to paw through the spanish newspapers to find the ad, IN A BOX AND IN ENGLISH, of a hat sale. Hmmm, that's rough. Teams have to make their way to a hat and shoe store and buy a TRADITIONAL CHOLITA HAT. Andrew and Dan find it first and jump in a cab, reading out loud "please hold on to your hat", ominously... The southern belles can't read and can't give the newspaper candy so they are the last to figure it out.

Detour: Music March or Bumpy Ride. "In Musical March, teams had to make their way on foot to two plazas several blocks apart where they needed to collect musicians and form a band. Then they had to make their way to Plaza Abaroa and exchange the band members for their next clue. In Bumpy Ride, teams made their way on foot to Mercado de las Brujas where they had to ride a locally crafted bicycle in a harrowing, bone rattling trip down cobblestone streets to Plaza Abaroa" (I'm just cutting and pasting that whole paragraph from cbs.com).

Locally crafted means "hewn" (I always wanted to use that word) out of wood. Actually they look like what Ax-murders get to do on craft day in prison. Andrew and Dan chose to make music together and TAKE OFF ON FOOT AS THE CLUE INSTRUCTS". Terence and Sarah jump in a cab to do the detour. Ooooooh. Good thing they have a spanish interpreter to help them out with the English clues. Mark and Bill miss that part as well and take a cab to the bike thing. Terence and Sarah read the clue in the cab, FREAK THE HELL OUT, and go back and walk on foot.

Music March: Andrew and Dan, Marissa and Brooke
Bikes: MARK/BILL, TERENCE/SARAH, KELLY/CHRISTY, TONI/DALLAS, NICK/STARR, KEN/TINA, TY/AJA

Anyone get why the bike riders have to wear helmets with feathers? I must have missed that part. What I didn't miss was the bad Karma getting beat out of Christy as she fell and SLAMMED her head against a wall while doing the bike challenge. (Becky-nice to hear you waited until you knew she was OK before laughing. I'm not that nice, obviously...). Mark is also almost killed when his "bike" careens through and intersection and is saved by a driver avoiding him. I expected the next Travelocity commercial to be all about their new "travel insurance".

Both detours arrive at the same plaza where a detour is waiting. (I'd explain what a detour is but Phil does a much better job) Also at the detour is the next clue directing them to Los Titanes Del Ring.

I have to hand it to Dallas and his mom. She is a real trooper and in pretty good shape. He lets her rest for a minute after completing the bike detour.

Arriving at Plaza , Nick & Starr propositioned Ty & Aja to U-turn Kelly & Christy.

The Cheaters arrive at Los titanes Del Ring and find out it's a ROADBLOCK. One team member has to hand over the hat to a lovely woman wrestler and then don tights and learn how to faux wrestle. Since the roadblock says, "who's ready for a fight", Ken heartily agrees. Ken looks really, um, like he's not going to be getting as many cheating opportunities once this clip is shown. He quickly learns the tricks and wrestles in front of the crowd. Tina is enjoying seeing him look like an idiot. They finish are receive their next clue to go to the Pitt stop. Although Ken made it look easy, a couple of the others have problems and have to go back for retraining.

Terence and Sarah see a red and yellow flag and have their cab driver stop while they investigate a local football game.

Waiting for Ty to wrestle, Aja walked up to Christy and told her that Starr asked them to U-turn Kelly & Christy. Hootergate is ON, baby.

Mark took 3 tries and a whiff of oxygen to finish the task.

Cheaters arrive first and a trip to Cabo, where Tina can continue her passive aggressive punishment. Apparently there's no penalty for Ken stealing the shirt, and I'm assuming the tights, from the wrestling roadblock.

Mark and Bill arrive at the Pitt Stop in 8th place, but receive a 30 minute penalty. Kelly and Christy step on the mat expecting to be eliminated but Phil is pleased to tell them that because of the penalty, they are in 8th place and have not been eliminated. Mark and Bill, on the other hand, are eliminated.

Survivor Africa Week 3

Wow, night 9 already. Who'd have though we could go 9 nights out in the African outback without a vicious animal attack. Damn it.

On Kota Ace is stewing over the fact that Kelly voted for him. Ace is a pain in the ass. After last week's comment about his accent being fake, I checked out his bio. He was born in, like, Florida, but raised in England. Went to English boys boarding school (some fancy name one). Uhuh. You KNOW what they say about those English boarding schools...Anyway, he's now a watch salesman. "Cartier", as in psssst, you wanna buy a Kartier watch?

Over on Fang, we're repeating the rice argument. haha. In my house the argument is usually, "didn't we have rice already once this year?" Randy now wants to go to once a day. Apparently he's backed up. Matty, Susie and Dan all go "fruit picking" which is code for forming an alliance since I don't see a whole lot of fruit laying around.

Challenge time: Rank your tribe mates on most useful or importance or something like that. It's done in private and Jeff reveals the results. For Kota: Marcus, Ace, Bob, Charlie, Jacque, Corrine, Sugar and then Kelly. For Fang: Matty, Dan, Randy (which is bullsh*t), Crystal, Ken, GC and then Susie. GC is pissed. Says, "Not 2 good for a Pimp" (which is from Hustle and Flow, a movie I highly recommend). Hey Sellman, remember when we had that living will discussion and I said you can pull the plug when my clothing doesn't match? Take note of Randy's outfit here-this is plug pullable.

So, SURPRISE, the whole point of this is to assist with picking new teams. Marcus and Matty get to be new team leaders and chose new members. Apparently even the crew can't stand this season anymore.

New Teams (Fang): Marcus, Dan, Charlie, Randy, Corrine, Susie and Bob
(Kota): Matty, Ace, Crystal, Jacque, Ken, Kelly ("cause she's hot") and the pimp. Sugar is unchosen and sent to Exile until someone's voted off.

Sugar goes to Exile to her "sugar shack" and just lays around for a couple of days. Hey, is it my imagination or is her suit reversible?

On Fang, Crystal notices that Kelly doesn't like Ace and Jacque.

Tree Mail is a lacrosse stick. WTF-was lacrosse invented in Africa? And, I gotta step up to the anti-racism platform here and ask why we don't get a lesson in African contributions to culture this time around like we got stuffed down our throats in China?

Immunity Challenge is water lacrosse. Everyone is in little boats with paddles and they are trying to knock a ball into a net. Randy has finally found his sport. Unfortunately, once off the island he's gonna have to go to Hershey Park's Water World to practice up. Ace, who has an overblown sense of his importance keeps leaving the net (he's supposed to be goalie) which results in another Randy score. Kelly sucks. Well, let me take that back. She would suck if she were actually playing the game. She's not too bad just sitting still in the boat. Ken sucks, which you pretty much would expect. Randy scores for the 3rd and final time, giving Kota immunity. Jeff points out that it was one of the worst performances ever. Dang, getting it from the Probster.

On Fang, another episode of "who are we getting rid of?" It seems a no brainer Kelly will be going. Despite their new alliance, Crystal, GC, and Ken want Kelly—at first. After jawing it over, they think Jacque is in too tight with Sugar and Ace and would be a threat when reunited. All are concerned about Ace having too much power, but no one seems to have the balls to vote him off. Matty goes to Jacque and tells her she might be voted off. Jacque then begins her campaign to stay in, working every angle she can muster. It will either be Kelly or Jacque. Could be either. Wish it were Ace.

Tiki torches are burning and the fake set is all lit up. Jeff asks his usual probing questions. No real drama. Time to vote. It's tight between Kelly and Jacque but surprisingly Jacque gets the boot.

Amazing Race Week 2

This was actually a good episode for getting to know the contestants. Starting out, we get to see Terence and Sarah, the "newly and probably short-termed" dating couple at the pit stop, Camp Travelocity. Terence (and, dude, you need a nickname) is just a weirdo. He's obsessed with Sarah talking to anyone else. DING DING DING, I can hear the female alarm bells going off all over the country.

Brother and Sister Nick and Starr leave the Pit first at 4:00 am, and they have to fly to Brazil. One by one the teams depart for the airport. Nick and Starr and the Cheaters figure out that there is a plane leaving at 6:45 am but it has only one seat. SOMEHOW, the plane suddenly gets changed to a bigger plane (and, when the hell does that happen in the US???). Tina (Cheater Wife) of course takes credit for it and has to tell EVERYONE that she got them a bigger plane so they better pucker up. The plane has no assigned seating but Tina is assured from the check in lady that she will get a front row seat. Instead of getting in line, Tina walks around to everyone repeating her, "I got us a bigger plane" story. Of course, everyone else lines up to get on the plane. The Cheaters start a huge fight that since TINA GAVE BIRTH TO THE BIGGER PLANE, it's only fair they get the best seats. Anyone hear the hand of fate winding up?

OH, I forgot to mention that Terence bumped his head getting to the airport and is now neurotically nursing a head wound. Sarah, just get the hell out of that relationship.

Once in Brazil, they have to take taxi's to the Plaza do Cumbuco. The Cheaters and others at the front of the plane blindly run around looking for taxi's while the last teams off the plane figure the right way out quicker. Anthony and Stephanie get a bad cab. Ok, I gotta bag on these 2. They are not young and have been dating for a while but Anthony won't commit unless they win the Amazing Race and can afford to marry. haha. I think he's said this enough times over the years that Stephanie called his bluff and got them on the show. He wants them to be financially secure before they marry, although he's a mortgage broker (good luck with that these days) and she's a financial salesperson. Anyway, their cab has issues and Anthony gets out to slooooooowly push it. You think he really want to win and get married?

At Plaza do Cumbuco, teams are instructed to take dune buggies to the Barraca D Manuel where they get their next clues: Detour. Teams have to chose between Beach It, which means moving a boat into the water, or Docket, which is finding a clue in a storage container in a huge lot of storage containers.

Mark and Bill go the docket route. Ok, there 2 are hilarious. From their bios: "Mark and Bill, friends for over 23 years, first met at a science fiction club and have been bonding over their love for comics and games ever since" At one point when they find the clue they actually do, what I believe to be, an impersonation of Yoda.

Terence and Sarah finish the boat thing first but walk right by the taxi stand, and spend a while screaming at each other looking for a cab. The other teams, one by one, drive by. Finally, Mom and Son stop and tell them where to go.

The Blonde Divorcees, Kelly and Christie live up to their haircolor as they finish the boat thing but then begin to crazily dig in the sand looking for the container-um, the one mentioned in THE OTHER DETOUR. After watching 6 other teams finish the boat thing and then run for the taxi's, they give up the search and go to the cabs. There they re-read the clue and figure out there never was any container.

After the detour, teams head to Parque de Vaquejada and get a Roadblock. A Roadblock is a task that only one person can do. Just had to get that in. So, this is the weirdest roadblock and somehow something in the instructions are missing. They have a long wall with Brazilian words and places on it and somehow the contestants have to find their next destination. With no rhyme or reason, the contestants finally just write down everything and read the list one by one to the painter dude who gives them their next clue, leading to the Pit stop.

Ken and Bill and The Cheaters finish first and race to the mat. Cheaters are first to arrive and win a pair of ATV's. And, since there are 2 of them, they will be easy to divide in the final divorce.

Christy and Kelly again fail to read the clue and don't tell their taxi driver to wait. They finish but have to wonder around for a while looking for a cab.

All the other teams make it to the Pit, and it finally comes down to Anthony and Stephanie, who are eliminated and won't be getting hitched any time soon.

Survivor Update Week 3 (2 in my book)

So, week 2 of the show is already day 7, which surprised me. Fang, who is already down a couple people just realized they are running low on rice, so none of this eating 3 times a day. Randy says, "hell yes, I don't need to eat 3 times a day". No, Randy, in fact you could live off your belly fat for the entire 30 days. Today's Randy Weather: Sunny with a smattering of GC hatred.

Over on the Sunshine Tribe, they are at least eating better with the fishing equipment. But, not a lot of good chakras going down Ace's way. Paloma hates him. Sugar, on the other hand, is using all of her wily pole dancer skills on Ace. It appears to be working. Paloma at one point suggests that Ace's accent isn't even real. LOL. I was thinking the same thing. Ace is a "fashion photographer". 'Nuf said. Paloma is a waitress, which I think continues the 17 season unbroken string of nasty waitresses. Charlie, I believe, continues to function as the brains of this team.

Reward Challenge: POW Camp Hijinks. I really don't know what the real name given to this challenge was but is basically consisted of someone trying to hold onto a pole and getting the crap beat out of them by 2 members of the opposing team. Think Rodney King without the nightsticks.

First up, Ace assumes a zen position on his pole while GC and Matty attempt to rip him off. Dan takes on Marcus and Charlie, who I believe are getting a little too into it. Kota wins the first round. For the second round, Ace makes the ridiculous choice of having Paloma take a hit on the pole. Um, doesn't Sugar have some experience with hanging on poles? Susie takes the pole for Fang. Bob and Sugar attack for Kota , Cystal and Randy for Fang. This round lasts about 10 seconds as 90 lb Paloma is carried over the line.

Round 3: Ace and Dan back on the poles (I could not understand why so few people were used for this physical challenge), with Crystal and Matty taking on Ace, Marcus and Bob taking on Dan. This is a long drawn out ass whupping, with Crystal getting back to her Olympian fighting spirit. Unbelievable, Ace must have lost his magic mojo crystal, because Fang wins the challenge.

Fang gets bedding and the chance to send Sugar to exile.

On Kota, all are walking around suggesting Paloma getting her butt kicked sealed her fate. How about the fact that Ace made the DUMMEST call in putting her in? Just don't get it.

On Exile, Sugar chooses to look for the clue and BANGS right through all of the clues Dan missed in about an hour. She gets a clue and a map (don't think Dan got this) BANG she finds the LARGE sand pit and the second clue. BANG she finds the special tree, climbs it, and locates the next clue. BANG she wades through an alligator infested pond and finds the immunity idol. Along the way she tells us she's doing this to get over the loss of her dad.

On Kota, Corrine talks BOB into the alliance. Tree Mail and, thank god, bathing suits. Enough with the Calvin Kline man underwear. Immunity Challenge: Authentic African Slip N Slides are incorporated into a slide/swim/math puzzle/unlock a chest challenge. I'm going to skip to the chase on this one. The final part of the challenge, the math portion, comes down to BOB, the physics teacher and Ken, the gaming dweeb. I think Jeff tried to explain how you have to take the derivative of the second number times the integer of the first number, squared, times the number of days on the show minus the cost of the huts used in the tribal council set ($5) to solve the puzzle, but I was just looking for that peeking chest hair again. Bob gets it first—but it’s wrong. Ken gets it—but it’s wrong. Bob gets it—but it’s wrong. Ken gets it—and it’s correct! Fang wins immunity!!

Over on Kota, Sugar comes back all crying about how hard it is on exile, and nobody even asks her if she found the idol 'cause she's just a dumb blond. She actually is a dumb blond because she tells her Ace in the hole that she has it. He reveals his master plan to win Survivor: Vote off Paloma and then Kelly. Um, yea, there's a few more people you gotta worry about Ace. Paloma tries to save her ass by telling Corrine that Ace has everybody in an alliance (really?) and Corrine starts leaning toward getting rid of Ace. But of course you know they are contractually bound to at least try to make the vote look interesting.

Paloma is the 3rd person voted off.

Amazing Race Week 1

Ding...fries are done. Gotta get this update out before tonight's show. The first one is always the hardest when you don't know the teams yet.

Season 13 of the Amazing Race kicked off from LA, and might I say that Travelocity must be raking it in since they took off in Mercedes. Teams took off driving to the airport to get a flight to Salvador Brazil. Anyone else wonder how the hippies ("beekeepers") were going to get through airport security with all of their drugs? Although I'm not sure LAX is equipped with beard-sniffing dogs.

On the drive to the airport we get to learn a few things about the contestants: Ken and Tina are separated Christians, 'cause he shagged outside of marriage, Toni is a single mom to Dallas and newly dating Terence and Sarah aren't going to be together at the end of the 11 legs.

Either I never noticed it last time, or this is the first time they had a marked ticket counter for the Amazing Race. Even the clue apparently said, "go to the MARKED counter", although a couple of teams missed out on that and stood in the terrorist line. Aja and Ty finally figured it out and set off a stampede to the correct counter. I can see why American is not a sponsor, since AS USUAL the American flight had an hour and a half delay. While waiting, Nick and Starr approached the Cheaters (my team, Ken and Tina) to form a loose alliance.

On the American flight: Mark & Bill, Ken & Tina, Nick and Starr, Terence & Sarah, Aja & Ty, and Kelly & Christy. On United: Andrew & Dan, Toni & Dallas, Anthony & Stephanie, Marisa & Brooke, and Anita & Arthur.
Once in Brazil teams have to take a taxi to a sandwich shop, "O Rei Do Pernil" where they have to take a coffee cart through the streets of Brazil and up the funicular to get their next clue leading them to a military base for a night spent under mosquito nets and a sign up sheet for one of 3 departure times. 9 am departures for Terence & Sarah, Mark & Bill, Nick & Starr, and The Cheaters. 9:30 departures for Aja & Ty Kelly & Christy and the fastest couple from the United flight, frat boys Andrew & Dan. 9:45 for Marisa & Brooke, Anthony & Stephanie, Toni & Dallas, and Anita & Arthur.

In the morning teams had to get cabs and go to a church for their next clue: DETOUR. And, once again, thanks to Phil for reminding us all after 13 seasons what a detour is. Detour is hard way up or soft way down, which I thought was not helpful for the Cheaters who are trying to forget that little marriage detour. All but the frat boys, chose soft way down and had to climb down a cargo net. I believe the frat boys felt that their 4 years of experience doing pub crawls would help them with the task at hand.

After completing the Detour, teams were instructed to go to the Pit Stop at Forte Sao Marcelo. The Cheaters and Nick and Starr got down the cargo net first but the Cheaters jumped in a taxi rather than ask for directions. Nick and Starr found out they needed to take a close ferry and they managed to get the first boat for a first place finish. Frat boys crawled up the steps to the most annoying example of Brazilian street music, only to be asked how many steps did you just climb up. LOL. Duh, let's go back and count this time.

At the end, the hippies who were forced to leave their speed behind were eliminated. Which is a shame because we didn't really get to know how freaky they really were. I don't know about anyone else but one look at all that grey hair and I didn't even want to know what the drain in their shower looks like.

Survivor Africa Week 1 Part 2

When we left off, Jeff had just extinguished the ugly inside and out Michelle's torch. Team Fang headed back to camp with GC as it's new leader. Next morning GC starts to lead, giving out a few orders and Crystal just stands around with a "what choo talking 'bout" look on her face. Ever positive Randy announces it's time for the "let everyone crash and burn" while I stand around looking stupid strategy.

During the next night, the elders (Randy and Colleen) are snoring up a storm and GC gets up to do the laundry. Next, a few of the others join him and sit around the ol campfire talking. Colleen busts on them that there's time enough in the daytime for talking, let me sleep. (Karen, I did in fact, think of you...) Funny, I always thought old people didn't need as much sleep. GC gets pissed and quits as leader.

Over on Kota, Marcus, Charlie, Jacque and Corrine form an alliance. Corrine is living up to her self proclaimed "bitch".

Challenge Time: It's called Rolling Stone but it is really Rolling Ball of Paper Mache. Funny how they found 2 boulders with the exact, perfectly round shape, one with red and one with orange squares glued on them. Fang shows up wearing charcoal war paint to inspire themselves. Wanna know what you're playing for? Immunity up for grabs plus fishing gear. Ok, first of all, all we see is wild animals roaming around, and 2 small alligator filled ponds, and they give them fishing gear? C'mon, haul out the rifles and bullets and let's have some real eating.

Both teams push the paper mache balls through some gates, climb up and get some keys, unlock some padlocks and then have to roll the balls into little bamboo squares. Kota does a better job of acting like the ball is really heavy and is rewarded with the win. Dan is sent to exile "island" (yes, my husband did wake up and say, "wait, there are islands in the middle of Africa??).

Once on exile, he gets to chose a clue or comfort (which, in my mind, an apple and an open air hut is not comfort). He chooses a clue which states he has to look in the sandy crater across the way. Um, I'm not any big genius, but I believe by the use of the words "sandy crater" would have indicated it wasn't in the middle of the lake. Idiot. He then proceeds to dig in the grass randomly, just like my dog does.

Back at Fang, Colleen is still blowing smoke up their butts: "I know we lost but we're getting better". Although I want to, I'll skip giving you all the "this kind of false self esteem bullcrap is what's wrong with America" speech this time-but know it's coming. Knowing someone has to go, Colleen and Susie discuss how the young 'ums are going to start kicking off the elderly. Randy manages to use his reading glasses to make a fish hook and catches a fish. The Fang tribe declares themselves "survival experts".

Dan drags his butt back from exile and is really out of it. The others think he's acting strangely and believe he found the idol. What a friggin joke. At tribal council Dan dumps his back to prove that he does not have it. In the end, Gillian is voted off. Randy looks pleased.

Survivor Africa: Week 1 Part 1

Ok, so I can just hear the new people saying, what the heck? I heard this chick that runs the pool is all brilliantly funny and writes the most amazing summaries, and for the last 6 days I've been checking my email about as often as I've been checking the election blogs on huffington post, and every day it's the same thing. Nothing. Well, suck it up people cause I am not a happy camper about being the first person voted off this season. You know the person? At the reunion show, the one where you go, "oh yea, I kind of remember that zit faced skank girl". Yea, that girl. Was. Mine. So, once and for all, for those of you who I KNOW have always thought that I cheat and keep the best player for myself, you owe me a BIG FAT apology.

So, on to the brilliantly funny summary.

Cue the video of the charging elephants, and the gorillas and some other antelope thing, and play the APPARENTLY ENDLESS Lion King soundtrack. God, I was going to start a drinking game (for those of you new, I pick some inane thing that someone says or does about every 3 minutes and pretend it's a drinking game so that I'm not pathetically sitting watching Survivor and getting hammered) with elephants but I would have been on the floor in half an hour.

In walks the survivors from across the veld (impressed with my vocabulary yet??) and it's one of those "in your street clothes" seasons. Show of hands, who else would show up at the airport and every minute until the show started in the most useful, comfortable, multi-layered clothes?? They stroll out of the bush and bam, there's the shining god of Jeff Probst. Hmmmmmm. Anyone else notice that little tuft of chest hair peaking out? Heavenly. OK, so they resort to some lame excuse about Africa respecting their elders to have Orville Redenbacker and Glenda the good witch chose teams.

Orville is a sharp dude, Glenda is a total idiot. Orville's team is Kota, and when Jeff announces that Glenda's team is Fang, my long suffering husband almost snaps his neck looking up and saying, "did he say the team name is THONG??" . Down boy, time enough for pixilation.

Let me just bag on a couple of the contestants first and get it out of the way:
Ken-the professional video gamer. Like, dude, is that a career?? Or is that what your parents call you to their friends instead of admitting you are a college graduate still living at him watching TV all day.
Randy-Mr. Hawaiian shirt. Under his name it keeps saying wedding videographer, although he hates marriage. Yea, hmmm, how come the bride is always out of focus in the pictures, you woman hater? Weddings may be his job but I know I'm not the only one who thinks kiddie porn is his hobby.
Crystal-former Olympian. Uhuh. More on this later.
Sugar-who I think used to be called Jessica until the cbs website changed her name. She's a pinup model. Bulls$%$t. She's a pole dancer.
Danny-who is now called G-Sizzle, which he abbreviates as GC. Say what? Wouldn't that be GS??

First challenge: run up the hill. Damn, they are going for broke this year. First 2 up the hill get immunity, but the first TEAM gets a bag of corn and beans. I think they go for Beano next week. Kota gets up the hill first and gets the carbs, Marcus and GC get immunity. Old lady Gillian (aka Glenda) gets hauled up the hill as, surprise surprise, does Crystal, the Olympian. Man, see what happens America when we stop using steroids? Pathetic.

Off to camps. Obligatory scary animal footage. Kota has a camp with shelter, a boat, a dock. Fang either got lost and went to the wrong camp or they got screwed. Gillian tries to cheer Tribe Thong up by blowing magic fairy dust up their butts but it ain't working. About an hour into the show, Kiddie Porn man is already sick of her voice. Ken, who I don't think has been with a woman (and, by that I mean in the same room) in 5 years is smitten by the pizza and sullen faced Michelle.

On Kota, Ace "I'm the full package" is giving out the orders while Orville Redenbacker basically macrames a roof on the huts. Charlie (gay lawyer, not that there's anything wrong with that) hits on Marcus, who informs us there are "not 2 Adams here".Nighttime and those DANGEROUS animals abound. OH MY GOD, Kiddie Porn has been attacked by an elephant!! Oh, wait, he hit his head on the doorway.

Day 3: Michelle (pizza face) is MISERABLE. Tree mail: Immunity Challenge coming up. Kota: Quick, let us get into our underwear and do some yoga.

Immunity Challenge: teams are in bondage, traipsing through a leech-filled swamp, over a wall, under something, dig for puzzle pieces, win immunity and flint. Basically it's an ass-whupping. Kota wins immunity.

Usual dynamics pre-tribal council. Gillian thinks they all did a great job. Michelle thinks "they are all retarded". Off to THE MOST FAKE TRIBAL COUNCIL SET EVER. Really, ever. One knocked over torch and it's all going up. You just know there are going to be "authentic" cannibals later this season. Jeff is looking fabulous, although anyone else think he dyed his hair?? Dan didn't get the memo that Tribal Council will now be dress down and he is wearing a tie. Jeff asks a question and all hell breaks out. Yea, they need a leader. GC is chosen by default. Lemme go count (and reorganize) the votes. Pizza face, you need to bring me your torch.

Question of the Day

Is anyone really collecting Coke commemorative Olympic cans besides the homeless trying to score a nickel or two? Did someone really get paid for that stroke of marketing genius??

Not sure her age is what we should be questioning...

Survivor Micronesia: The Finale

Wow, sorry it's taken me a week to write this. I was SO SHOCKED at Parvati winning that I jumped up, hit my head on the bookcase and have been laying unconscious since last Sunday. Good thing my husband ran out of clean underwear and came to find me or I'd still be there.

We start with a loooong recap, and reminisce about the all girl power/hormonal alliance. Lots of "let's stir the pot ladies" which is getting on my nerves and it's only 8:05. Ok, ok, you're witches. But we already knew that months ago.

Parvati and Natalie have a heart to heart, Cirie and Amanda spy on them from the beach. Cirie is getting a little paranoid. The four girls set off, ready to face each other in the challenge. Jeff is in shorts again. daaaammmmnnnnn.

Challenge: this is the perch on a log, raise a key, swim to shore, unlock a chest with ladder rungs that are some kind of puzzle pieces. Oh, wanna know what you're playing for? Personally I'm hoping it's a night of wild probsting, but alas Jeff is still sticking with that former Survivor tramp of his. Actually this is an immunity challenge. First one up on the platform WITH THEIR LADDER RUNGS INSERTED CORRECTLY wins. Natalie gets her key first, followed by Parvati. They rush off to the beach. Amanda gets her key, confirming once again to me that the presence of Cirie's breasts hinders her in challenges. Cirie gets her key.

Natalie gets an early lead with the ladder but Amanda wins the challenge and immunity. Back to camp and Natalie and Cirie both try to figure out where they fit into the final 3. Lots of scheming goes on. Most of it is boring. Hey, anyone else read in her biography that Natalie was once a missionary? Wonder if she saved or corrupted?

Tribal council, pretty standard "wow, I'm really worried these bitches will blindside me" talk. Cirie comments that it's scary wondering if it'll be a 3 person final or a 2 person final, and whether if it's 3 she'll be at the bottom of the totem pole. For some reason, Amanda gets her back all up on this and they have a little 'we've been spending waaaay too long together' spat. Natalie enjoys the show. In the end, though, the lone fan is voted off.

Back at camp, Amanda has a hissy fit, fights with Cirie (who is the bottom of the 3 person totem pole, frankly), cries about how she came right to Micronesia from China and hasn't had a decent American meal in way tooooo long (unless you count Ozzy...).

Next morning all is forgiven and they decide to let the chicken out. I forgot about the chicken. Clearly there is way too much food in Survivor these days. The chicken hangs around camp waiting for the next hormonal explosion. And, it comes pretty quick as they go to get what they think is their final meal, and instead find tree mail indicating they have to take that OH SO FRIGGIN BORING walk down memory lane and try to remember all the former Survivors whose ass they've kicked, and try to say something nice about them all. Me? I'd be like: Mikey B-loser, Chet-gay loser, Kathleen-crazy ass loser... Then they have to go to another immunity challenge. Amanda starts crying again.

Final Immunity Challenge: they have to balance a silver ball. Wow. I guess the balance a spoon on your nose challenge would have been too hard? Parv lasts about 2 minutes, mainly because SHE'S NOT THE BOTTOM OF THE TOTEM POLE (have you NOT been paying attention??). Cirie and Amanda take it to the end where Cirie loses concentration and Amanda wins immunity. Let's just skip to tribal council. Cirie is voted off.

The jury now gets to ask it's questions:

Eliza: Parv-are you a mean person? Um, nooooooo.
Jason: Amanda: were you in on Ozzy's vote off? Parv: do you have any redeeming qualities?
Alexis: P: what makes you a better role model for young girls (huh? shouldn't they be in bed by now?) A: what part of your game has been genuine?
Natalie: P: how does playing the flirt card translate into the bedroom (Eliza looks SHOCKED at this very weird question) and what are you doing later? A: was a glazed zombie pageant girl look your strategy? (no, actually that was Chet's strategy)
Eric: Rips A a new one, no question for Parv
James: A: you're da winner
Cirie: A: why that skank Parv?
Ozzy: Still truly hurt, bags on Parv. Still looooooovvvveeeesss Amanda, especially now that she's one step away from the million

Zoom. We're in LA for the reading of the votes. Jeff's hair looks like shit. Anyone else notice that? Pan over to Amanda. WHOA. She's been making up for missed meals. And, once again ladies, wearing fluorescent green DOES make you look larger than life. Final vote, by a 5 to 3 margin, Parvati wins immunity.

PS-is it me of did Johnny Fairplay's daughter look EXACTLY like a monkey?